Slings and Arrows s03e05 Episode Script

Well, he's got to stop the heroin.
That's a given.
Geoffrey: He'll fight you on that.
Oh, I know how to handle grumpy old men.
Oh, yeah? What do you use? You sweet-talk them or wear short skirts, Or do you just wrestle them to the ground? I have my ways.
You know, anna, you're sensible, right? How do you deal with failure? Why are we talking about failure? You haven't failed.
Well, I just cancelled an opening.
I've been downsized at the studio theater, And i'm now living in an apartment With an almost-dead guy.
If that's not failure, it's got to be in the ballpark.
Well, when life hands you lemons, Make lemonade.
Wow, that's like something you'd see on a pillow.
I have that on a pillow.
My granny stitched it.
Granny conroy? You got a problem with that? No, no.
Know what else she used to say? "you can have my gun when you can pry it Out of my cold, dead hands"? Yes, and she also used to say, "you can't fail If you keep putting your best foot forward.
" Real failure always starts With someone doing something stupid.
Man: when life takes its toll and fate treats you bad you used to be king, and now you've been had alone with your fool, you think you'll go mad it's nice to take a walk in the rain a stomp through a storm is what i'd advise when people you trust tell nothing but lies and kidnap your friend and gouge out his eyes it's nice to take a walk in the rain you say your daughters are evil plotters ♪ a bit about the shower will keep you sane ♪ ♪ when all has been said and all have been slain ♪ it's good to take a walk in the rain for several hours helps to have a howl in the rain without your clothes on nice to take a walk in the rain [applause and cheering.]
[laughing.]
You would not believe-- Shh, she's asleep.
So is my arm.
Oh.
So? Charles: I don't shoot up just for the fun of it, you know? It's for the pain.
That's why i'm putting you on a hydromorphone.
It's safer.
Heroin has additives that can cause blood clots, And those blood clots Can migrate to your brain, And then you die of a stroke.
Is that what you want? No.
It's always been my dream to die of cancer.
Eat your oatmeal.
I'm not hungry.
Where's oliver? I'm going to get you some marijuana For your appetite.
Now, i've drawn up a new drug schedule-- You can take this chart and shove it up your bum.
Marijuana will help with that, too.
What? Your attitude.
Oh, fuck off.
All right.
That's enough of that.
People here are trying to help you.
You try that one more time, and i'll smack you So hard your cousin will fall down.
[laughing.]
[laughs.]
Is that granny conroy again? Yes.
It is, actually.
I like her.
Wrap her up.
I'll get some more oatmeal.
Good, and this time, Charles is going to eat every bite.
Spoon.
Good morning, sunshine.
These are for you.
Oh, you really didn't have to do that.
They're not from me.
Geoffrey? No.
They're from chris.
Hmm, it's like he's stalking me or something.
I see you opened them.
Why would you think I would buy you flowers? We had a fight.
That wasn't a fight.
That was just me yelling some sense into your head.
I'm sorry if i'm hard on you.
It's just because I love you.
So you keep telling me.
Things are really shitty right now, And they're only gonna get shittier.
The show is a disaster.
Your boyfriend hasn't called in days.
Mine has run out of batteries.
This is a time for us women to stick together.
Let's have a margarita night Oh, god, not another one.
Only this time, we'll invite sophie.
I mean, this is her first show.
Things have got to be harder on her Than they are on us right now.
Charles is all over her.
You're right.
She looks miserable.
We will invite her over.
We will tell her everything we wish Someone had told us when we were young.
We better get her drunk first.
Mm.
Hi.
Hi, richard.
Good morning, anna.
Good morning.
Sexy anna.
What? That's my new nickname for you-- Sexy anna.
It's because you're sexy.
Richard, we've talked about this before.
I really don't feel comfortable with that.
Oh, come on, anna.
Lighten up.
It's just a nickname.
Besides, it's because you're sexy.
You know, I think i'd make a very good lover for you.
You'd have very big orgasms with me.
Ok, richard.
That's really creepy.
Stop it now.
Fine.
I know where the line is, all right? You're pretty happy, Considering we just cancelled an opening.
Well, things have turned out A little better than i'd hoped.
We're moving "king lear" out of the rose, And we're moving "east hastings" in.
My little workshop is going to become A full-scale production.
Wow, that's-- Oh, wow.
Yeah.
I'm only telling you because you're so sexy.
I'll tell you something else Because you're so sexy, and that is That I found out something about charles.
Oh? Yeah.
He's an alcoholic.
He was plastered The night of the opening.
Isn't that sad? Oh, that's-- that's terrible.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Whoo! Anna, you are all woman.
Richard! Lighten up.
Jeez.
Darren.
Big dick.
Well, that's what they call you, isn't it? It's a nickname.
Obviously.
I've had my share of nicknames in the past, But rarely have they had such positive connotations.
Thank you.
Darren, i've got some news-- Let me explain something to you.
I don't care if the actors like me-- Truth be told, I thrive on their antipathy-- But I do not appreciate having my authority Undermined by anyone.
Darren-- I acknowledge you had some small contribution To the final product, but flatter yourself not.
All you really did was make the piece much more accessible, A word that, I am proud to say, Is rarely associated with the work of darren nichols.
"east hastings" is moving to the rose.
The rose? Yes.
But what about geoffrey's "lear"? There have been problems.
It's switching to the studio.
We'll have to restage it.
Yes.
Bigger.
Lasers? Anything you want.
Well Well, accessibility does have its virtues, Given the right context.
[both laugh.]
I want to tell the actors.
Only if you thank me profusely.
You know what? This is really ridiculous, Just because she's in the musical company.
She is an actor, sophie.
She is just like us.
She's nothing like me.
She is.
You calling me an idiot? No.
Well, maybe you didn't notice, paul, But she's a complete moron.
Sophie-- She can barely form a sentence, ok? That's why i'm mad.
I didn't think you were the kind of person Who'd be attracted to a complete idiot.
Ok.
Look.
Shut up.
We're starting.
Welcome, everybody.
No doubt, you have all heard the various rumors That are swirling around about charles.
Basically, to be brief, charles had An accident.
An accident.
He's fine, but it does mean That we're going to need just a little bit more time To prepare him for the opening, And that means we will be delaying for a week.
Ohh What? Well, now, it's not gonna be a complete waste of time Because we are also changing venues.
Oh, no.
Goddamn it.
We are going to move into the studio theater, And the--ahem--musical Is going to be taking over the rose.
Oh, jesus christ.
Now listen.
I don't want any of you to interpret this As a lack of confidence in the production Because it isn't.
It really is not.
We have a megahit on our hands, And the demand for tickets has been overwhelming, So I am thrilled to announce that richard smith-jones Has wisely decided to move "east hastings" Into the rose and extend the run.
Whoa! Yeah! Aah! Now, there's gonna be a lot of hard work.
We are moving into a much smaller space.
We have fewer lighting instruments.
We have only one usable wing.
This is not just about plopping the set down on a bigger stage.
This is about expansion.
We have more lights.
We have more seats, and we have more money, Thanks again, to richard smith-jones.
I see this show as growing exponentially.
I see video projection screens.
I see lasers.
I see flames.
We're gonna blow the roof off this fucking festival.
You know, maybe we should-- Maybe it would help if we thought of it this way.
Lear loses everything.
He loses his money, his power, His humanity, his sanity, And it is only when he is all alone, Naked, and in a storm that he is able to discover his Dignity.
Dignity.
His dignity.
Ah, here's charles.
Maria: Ok, everyone.
If you could clean out your dressing rooms Richard: Oh, and one more thing.
The t-shirts have arrived.
[all clamoring.]
Esta es una cancion acerca de un burro Que no tiene hogar.
"it is a song about a homeless donkey.
" Es una cancion muy triste.
"it's sad.
" oh.
El burro se llama pluma porque se lo avienta.
"his name is pluma.
" Whose name? The donkey.
It means feather Because he gets blown around, you know? Hasta que un dia, descubre que su casa Es donde se encuentra.
It has a happy ending.
Oh, good.
[singing in spanish.]
Ah, is that the Yes.
Why? Take a look.
[thunder.]
[wind blowing.]
I love it! It's yours.
[thunder.]
Sorry.
Ooh, ho ho hoy! Es tri-- In, boy.
Go first.
Nay, get thee in.
I'll pray, and then i'll sleep.
Poor naked wretches, Whereso'er you are, That bide the pelting of this pitiless storm, How shall your houseless heads and unfed sides, Your looped and windowed raggedness, Defend you from seasons such as this? He's so Learish.
Works in here.
It's better, actually.
He doesn't have to strain so much.
Shh.
Charles: That thou mayst shake the superflux [knocks on door.]
Sophie.
Hi.
Welcome.
Hi.
Cinderella, cinderella.
Sorry? It's because you're playing cordelia.
And we're your evil sisters.
Margarita? Don't say no.
Uh, please.
Yeah.
Good girl.
We're already on our third.
Just toss your coat anywhere.
Barbara and I were roommates on tour Many years ago.
Yes.
Ellen was a complete slut.
And here we are again.
So, how's your house? Do you get along with everybody? Ok.
Yeah.
Not great.
I'll bet.
That paul-- i've seen that movie.
You know who he reminds me of? Mike greenfield.
Oh, no, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
Ellen was crazy about him.
What was the name of that girl You found him screwing at the green room? Mary-- Oh, you got a scary memory for details.
And you have terrible taste in men.
Ha ha! Don't mind us, sophie.
We're just menopausal and bitter.
I'm not-- Anyway, we're not here to talk about us.
We're here to talk about sophie.
Yeah, sophie.
How are you? I'm fine.
Really? Really? Yeah.
I mean, it's, you know, a dream come true Getting to play cordelia, right? I feel really lucky.
Well, he's trying to read, And he keeps falling asleep.
It's like baby-sitting an 85-year-old child.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Good.
Well, you seem to have everything under control, And charles is doing better.
For the moment, yeah.
Now I think we should go back to couples therapy.
It is not couples therapy.
And yet I feel so close.
Oh, I went there on my own.
I know.
You went there seeking help for your uncontrollable weeping, But, geoffrey, before I can move on, We have to resolve these issues that we have.
No, oliver.
You and I do not have issues.
Ellen and I have some problems Which we are working on.
Ha! What? You and ellen barely know what to say to each other.
That's thin ice.
Barbara has replaced you in the house.
Ellen doesn't need you.
I'm not going to therapy with you.
Get a boner lately? Oh, you are a mean, Pop a chub? Nasty, lowdown Sport any wood? Ghost.
Know what I mean? Spark it, casper.
Ellen: Charles is a bully, sophie.
He's always been like that.
It's not you.
I know.
I know that, and, you know, i'm learning so much From him, you know, about shakespeare And the verse and how you must respect the verse, And at the same time, it's getting to play cordelia, You know, and it's just such a privilege To say those words.
Barbara: Oh, you really are an ingenue.
Barbara.
What? I was an ingenue.
You were an ingenue back in the days When dinosaurs still roamed the earth.
We're not that old.
I know.
Barbara: I'll tell you something about this industry.
They hook you in when you're green.
They promise you the big parts-- Ooh, the big parts-- and then one day, You're not the flavor of the month anymore, And--boom!--You're temping at wood gundy, Or you're catering, Or you're working some shit-for-cash tv show, And you can't go back to school anymore, And anyway, what would you do that for? You're an actor.
You live for your audience, for someone to applaud.
So, one day, you look in the mirror, And you realize you're just a dead, empty shell.
You're not a shell, barbara.
Look at ellen.
She has been here her whole life, And what has she got to show for it? No children, no savings.
She doesn't even have a car.
It makes me want to fucking bawl my eyes out.
I should get going.
Thanks for this.
Oh, no.
I was gonna make another pitcher.
I'm happy.
I'm a happy person.
Oh, me, too.
[clock ticking.]
I gave you all-- And in good time you gave it.
Review your blocking.
You're over there.
Am I? Made you my guardians, my depositaries; But kept a reservation to be followed with such a number.
What, must I come to you with 5 and 20, regan? Said you so? And speak't again, my lord.
No more with me.
I'll go with-- Where the hell is goneril? Press interview.
Another one? She said she'd be done by lunch.
I'm very sorry, charles.
Fucking tv stars.
I'll go with thee.
Thy 50 yet doth double 5-and-20, And thou art twice her love.
"hear, me, my lord.
"what need you 5-and-20, 10, or 5, "to follow in a house where twice so many Have a command to tend you?" What need one? Reason not the need! Our basest beggars are in the poorest thing superfluous.
Allow not nature more than nature needs.
Man's life is cheap as beast's.
Thou art a lady.
If only to go warm were gorgeous, Why, nature needs not what thou gorgeous wear'st Which scarcely keeps thee warm.
Charles! We didn't rehearse this.
But, for true need-- Give me that patience, patience I need! You see me here, you gods, a poor old man, As full of grief as age; wretched in both.
If it be you that stirs These daughters' hearts against their father, Fool me not so much to bear it tamely; But touch me with noble anger, Lest not women's weapons, water drops, Stain my man's cheeks! No, you unnatural hags! I'll have such revenges on you both That all the world shall-- You think i'll weep.
No, i'll not weep.
I have full cause of weeping, But this heart shall break into 100,000 flaws Or ere i'll weep.
O fool I shall go mad.
He molested me in front of the company.
Barbara wasn't there.
He just got a little, you know, confused.
Don't blame barbara And don't apologize for charles.
He's been brutalizing the company For the entire rehearsal, and you've let him.
Well, now, that's not exactly true.
See? This right here.
It's symptomatic of your problems.
I-I-I--he--he-- look.
I've been a good sport.
I know charles has problems, And I haven't said anything, have I? Who is this person, ellen Or just some actress in your company? No.
That's true.
You really haven't complained.
I'm not happy, geoffrey.
I am not happy.
Well, ellen, it's not my job to make you happy.
It's my job to put up a great play.
Geoffrey, I am upset.
Two of you are trapped in these roles, much like-- Shut up! Fuck off.
No.
I-- he--he-- What happened to us, geoffrey? I thought at least we were friends.
We were.
We are friends What would you know about friendship, geoffrey? And the last that I checked, We were lovers taking a little break.
In any event, this has nothing to do with you Or with anyone else, for that matter.
This is about "king lear" and charles, And i'm just trying to give him his lear.
Geoffrey.
What, charles? A little help.
Oh, you're busy, aren't you? Yeah.
Can you just give me a minute? No, no, no.
That's fine.
It's fine.
Oliver, would you-- I need a little help in my dressing room.
Of course.
Anything for a friend.
What was that? What? I quit.
No, ellen.
No.
I can't take this anymore.
This is too, too much.
I deserve better than this.
I quit.
Well, what are you quitting? Everything.
Charles: Incredible lack of professionalism, Quitting just before opening.
Barbara will be next, I suppose.
Geoffrey: You attacked her! Lear attacked regan.
It's a play.
She isn't a fucking character! Lear is being disowned by his daughters.
He's on the brink of madness, And i'm not going to apologize Every time i'm motivated to be impolite.
You are a complete prick.
You knew that 20 years ago.
Well, yes, but I thought maybe dying Might make a person more compassionate.
It doesn't.
It pisses you off.
You have a history with ellen.
Call her up.
Offer her a second chance.
If she says no, then we'll recast.
It's done all the time.
What am I doing here? You're sacrificing everything for you art, And I thank you for that.
Now, what does it say on this pill, 500 milligrams? Barbara: Good morning, beauty.
What'd chris say? Did you call him? Oh, he's elated.
He sent the contracts to my agent.
Well, that's good.
You stood up for yourself.
I just wish charles had torn my dress.
It'd save me hiring a lawyer.
I don't feel in control.
Everything is spinning.
I'm gonna make you some ginger tea.
Geoffrey hasn't called.
No.
He hasn't, which means you're doing the right thing.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up? Oh, terrible about ellen, eh? Yeah.
Maria, I need to ask you something, And I need you to be very discreet.
I don't want anyone to know.
Ok.
Well, i've never done this before.
I mean, I nearly did it in college, But I chickened out.
Oh.
Oh, ok.
I know what you're trying to say, And, well, I did try it.
Guess the whole festival knows about it, The props party a couple of years ago.
Anyway, it wasn't for me.
Oh, ok, so you can't help me out? Sorry.
I'm not a lesbian.
A lesbian? Oh, god.
Oh, ha ha! No.
No.
Oh, that's not what I meant.
Oh, gosh.
Ha ha ha! Oh, that wasn't a come-on? No.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
God, no.
I was asking about pot, You know, marijuana.
Oh, I know what pot is.
So, you assume i'm a pothead As well as a lesbian Because all stage managers Are pot-smoking lesbians, right? No.
Well, i'm sorry to disappoint you, But i'm all out.
This process has been hard on my stash, And my guy is out of town till Tuesday.
Sorry.
Ok.
I'll figure something out.
Ok.
Anna, what are you doing with my day-timer? Oh OhOh It's so stupid, it's embarrassing.
What? I was gonna write my birthday in it.
It's coming up, And I thought you might forget.
Isn't it September? No.
I thought it was September.
There.
You see? You forgot.
No.
It's coming up in a couple of days.
You're kidding.
No.
You know what? I'm taking you out.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
No, no.
Come on, anna.
No arguments.
I owe you.
You've been incredible to me Throughout this whole thing, you know? Let me take you out for your birthday.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
We'll get caught up.
You and I haven't had a good heart-to-heart Since the musical opened.
Ok.
Thanks.
Good, and, anna, wear something hot.
[tapping.]
Oh, hi.
Is she here? No.
You're safe.
Come in.
Ahem.
Ellen, I want you to come back You do? And I know you're angry, And you have every reason to be angry, But I cannot do this without you.
"this"? The show.
"lear.
" Oh, "lear.
" well, I can't.
I've been offered a television series.
That was fast.
Yeah.
Well, they've been very persistent.
I've got a 5-year contract.
It's really quite a big deal.
I'll make a lot of money, pay my taxes, Put some aside for retirement, But, you know, it's not about the money.
It's about respect.
It's about being a grownup And being satisfied in my work.
He's dying.
Charles has cancer, And he wants to play lear before he dies.
I'm gonna kill you, geoffrey.
I know, but he wanted to keep it a secret, And he made me promise.
What, and you couldn't tell me? I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know anything, really, anymore, Except this, and this I know In my heart of hearts, That the answer to your problem Is not television.
Oh, fucking hell, geoffrey, I just signed a contract this morning.
Oh, shit.
When do you start? In a few weeks.
That's perfect.
That's perfect.
You can just help us through to the opening.
Oh, come on, ellen, please? We're very close.
Please? Shh Oh, god, I love you.
What? [indistinct.]
I love you.
Still don't understand you, But yeah, ok.
Me, too.
for she's a jolly old lady for she's a jolly old lady for she's a jolly old lady which nobody can deny Whoo! Whoo! Yeah.
Whoo! So anyway, it happened on Tuesday.
What, before our opening? I didn't want to upset anyone.
Oh, shari chere, that's tragic.
What's tragic? Sharon's mom's cat has cancer.
Oh, my god, i'm so sorry.
How old is she? Is that old? It's old for a cat, yeah.
Anna, it's good to see you having a good time.
Anna is the greatest employee in the universe.
No, truly.
She is.
You know what? Wait.
We should all take turns toasting anna.
Oh, no.
Don't.
Please.
Yes.
Yes.
Somebody start.
Oh.
Ok.
I'll start.
UmOk.
Anna, I don't know you very well, But you seem really nice, And--oh, shit-- happy birthday.
Aww.
Aww.
Come on.
Come here.
My turn.
My aunt anna louise was 42 when she died.
She had been a prostitute all her life.
She simply lost the will to live.
"east hastings" is dedicated to her, So, anna, I salute you For making the courageous decision To live.
I applaud you for that.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Ok.
My turn.
God, anna, um I don't have the words, you know, to tell you How much I feel about you as a friend.
I mean, you are a wonderful, warm, loyal friend, You know, and i'm feeling these big feelings right now.
Um I love you, anna.
No.
I mean that.
As a friend, I absolutely love you.
To anna.
To anna.
Ha ha ha! Richard, how much ecstasy did you take? Just the pill you gave me.
The whole pill? You were just supposed to take half.
Oh, no! Ha ha ha! Oh.
Pfft! You are on ecstasy, richard? Anna, relax.
It's a club drug.
You know, you take it to go out.
I-i'm--um Thank you so much, all of you, for this.
It's lovely.
Anna, wait.
Where are you going? Well, we have an opening tomorrow, So I have a lot of stuff to do.
Thanks so much.
She's the best.
Bye, anna.
Bye, anna.
Bye, anna.
It's got to be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh! Just come right this-- oh, lovely to see you.
Minister, welcome back.
Hello, richard.
Does the ambassador have seats this time? Ah, well, we have no seats for sweden, But two seats for norway.
Ha ha ha! And is it to be more bolivian folk music tonight? Oh, no, minister.
It's "king lear.
" Oh, yeah.
You just go to your seats.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Good, because let me tell you, It's a long drive back to toronto With two dejected norwegians.
Well, don't worry.
They'll be giggling all the way home.
"lear" is still a tragedy, isn't it? Well, maybe not giggling.
Oliver: So, you told her the truth? Well, that's the only reason she's doing it.
She agreed to stay on for a couple weeks of the run, And then she's off to the idiot box.
Ooh, she's only gonna run it for a few weeks? Well, he may only last a few weeks.
I mean, I know this is hell, But i'm kind of excited.
Me, too.
Well, wait.
Are you excited about the show, Or are you excited about achieving your higher purpose? None of your beeswax.
Anna: Charles, did you eat? [singing indistinctly.]
Geoffrey: What's happening? I don't know.
It doesn't make sense.
He's on exactly the same drug combination.
He should be fine.
I'm gonna die tonight.
Anna: He's been saying that a lot.
Charles, look at me.
I'm gonna die tonight.
Is he right? I mean, what do you think? I think he's right.
Oh, christ.
Maria: How we doing? A-ok.
Oh, christ.
All right.
Look.
Maria, come back at 15.
Geoffrey, we're past the 15.
I was about to call places.
All right.
Just give me a minute to think.
That's exactly what we have-- A minute.
[singing indistinctly.]
All right.
Here's the plan.
Go to the booth.
Start the fucking play.
Shit.
[applause.]
I say Excuse me.
What is going on? Uh, nothing.
Just a little delay.
Oh, are you sending out the bolivians again? No.
Don't be ridiculous.
Ok.
Now listen.
Charles is here? He's actually in the building? Yes.
Of course he's in the building.
Ok, geoffrey.
Be honest with me.
Is he drunk again? Oh, for god's sakes, would you have a little respect? He is not drunk.
He's old.
He just needs a little more time, But you can rest assured, "lear" is underway.
Anna: Charles, no! You don't need it.
Give it to me.
No.
Charles, listen to me.
You don't need it.
Charles-- she betrayed me.
She's trying to kill me.
He won't eat, and he won't smoke the pot.
What? Would that I had not been born Rather than serve me better.
Is this man on drugs? Charles, look at me.
Look at me! The play What? The lear.
I am lear.
He's fine.
Come on.
Richard: What? Geoffrey, no.
You can't-- It's an actor thing.
Don't worry.
He can't go out there.
He's raving.
He's fine.
What was in that needle? What needle? Man: Though this knave came something saucily into the world Before he was sent for, yet was his mother fair; There was good sport Geoffrey: Charles, you ready? I know that voice.
Charles, are you ok? Ay, every inch a king.
When I do stare, see how the subject quakes? I pardon that man's life.
What was thy cause? Adultery? Ha! Thou shalt not die: Die for adultery? He thinks he's lear.
Man: He hath been out 9 years, and away he shall again.
Ah, the king is coming.
Charles: I remember thine eyes well enough.
Dost thou squiny at me? Geoffrey.
Richard: Geoffrey! All right.
You have to go out there and tell them we're cancelling.
Again.
You know, no.
You go this time.
Oh, no.
I don't think I can.
I think i'll start weeping.
And you think I won't? Now would be a good time.
There's a lull in the action.
Geoffrey, in my office tonight.
Shoot! [audience murmuring.]
Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
No.
I'm not king lear.
Heh heh.
I'm richard smith-jones, the executive director Of the new burbage festival.
So, how are we enjoying the show so far? So, he's an addict.
Well, you saw the needle.
Hell of a shock.
I don't know.
I'm guessing he had some kind Of an addictive personality Sort of syndrome maybe.
Anyway, I think what you and I should do, We have got to find a methadone clinic Right now, right here in new burbage.
You fucking liar.
He's got cancer.
Barbara told you.
Yes.
Yeah.
You were gonna put a dying man on stage? Well, now, richard, that really depends On how you define "dying.
" Jesus, geoffrey! This is not a philosophical discussion.
What was I supposed to do? He begged me not to tell anybody.
It's his dying wish.
Geoffrey, if my dying wish Is to drive a city bus blindfolded, You know, do us all a favor.
You say no.
I know that you haven't seen it, but I have.
Charles is lear, And what the hell is my mandate, anyway? I'm supposed to be putting on Great performances of great plays.
Well, great.
Then next season, we'll start using live ammo.
Oh, christ, are you just a numbers guy? Don't you get it? I get that you lied to me You and anna.
I'm cancelling.
No, richard.
We can make this thing work.
It's cancelled.
Richard-- It's over.
All right.
Well, let me tell charles.
Fine.
Be my guest.
Use my phone.
Well, I can't right now.
He's over at the hospital having a brain scan.
I'm going over.
I'll tell him then.
Good, and hey, while you're there, Why don't you see if you can snag One of those brain scans for yourself? [rock music playing.]
Woman: Oh, my god.
I've never been cancelled twice.
I have, but it was theater in the park.
Oh, weather.
Even then, i'd have gone on, But rain is terrible for marionettes.
I'm just saying that richard saw it all.
There's no way to hide it now.
But he still thought it was the booze.
What? I know.
Not too bright.
Why are you so pissy about this? Just disappointed in you, that's all.
You've heard her sing.
Yeah.
I have heard her sing every morning at 7 a.
M.
She warms up with "memories.
" It's driving us all fucking nuts.
Ellen: How do you know this? Richard told me.
When? After the show when I told him about charles.
I told you that in confidence.
Well, somebody had to tell him.
I can't let geoffrey go on with this any longer.
You've seen her on stage.
So? So, she's fantastic.
She's a barbie doll.
Tell me what the problem is with her, ok? What is your problem exactly? So, she's not einstein.
So what? You can't be an idiot and be a good actor.
Yes, you can.
No, you can't.
Yes, you can.
When did you become such a judgmental bitch? Fuck right off.
I'm sorry, sophie.
Sorry.
I thought you were my friend, ok? I thought you'd be happy for me.
I have a broken heart, ok? You broke my heart, so if you can't see it, You're just as stupid as she is, I guess.
What? Oww! Ha ha! Oh, hey, is it true, what we heard? Yeah.
Oh, i'm so sorry.
I don't need your fucking sympathy, loon.
Soph, don't.
No.
You have no idea how hard it is.
You have no idea what it's like Having to go up there and do "king lear.
" Neither do you.
They keep cancelling.
Shut the fuck up, sharon.
You never think about anyone But yourself ever.
Oh, what the hell do you care now? You quit.
The man has cancer, you insensitive bitch.
Jerry: Hey, everybody.
Everybody listen.
I've got a son.
A son! What did he say? I just got back from the hospital.
4 girls and finally a boy.
What? Turn down that bloody row! You're bothering a deaf man, You annoying piece of sequined fluff.
I beg your fucking pardon? What did he say? Jerry: My wife had her baby, a boy.
No, jerry, not you.
I'm talking to this Chirping wiggle worm here.
On behalf of the entire musical company, I insist on an apology.
It's chirping, Irrelevant chirp, chirp chirping.
I wrote a hit musical.
Oh, look who's throwing the gauntlet down now, duckie.
You want a gauntlet? Oh! Oh! Oh, shit.
Jerry: Aah! Aah! It was an accident.
I'm not violent.
AghOhh I think it's back to the hospital for daddy.
Jerry: Ohh acorn media Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- call the understudy I can't go on tonight i'm drinking with my buddy i'm getting good and tight before they raise the curtain i'll be higher than a kite so, call the understudy I can't go on tonight tell the cast and crew to break a leg, break a leg roll me out to dump the bloody keg, bloody keg i'd introduce the pain that life can bring and liquor is what will hit the spot the play is not the thing so, call the understudy I think it's only right my diction will be muddy i'll never find me light before the intermission i'll be pissing on a sprite so, call the understudy I can't go on he can't go on I won't go on he shan't go on I can't go on tonight damn right