Staged (2020) s03e05 Episode Script

DAVID: It does indeed, yeah.
A sense of relief.
Something different.
Yeah, a change for a bit.
Mm.
From the show for a bit.
Um, I don't always know.
Well, you know, film, TV,
that takes a while to set up,
and theatre projects,
they come and go. And
I forget that Georgia just
hawks you around
broadcasters in a wheelbarrow,
hawking your wares for a
cheese-and-onion sandwich.
Well, you can feel stuck,
can't you, after a while?
Um, two series of Good
Omens, three series of Staged.
You know, I-I think it's
important to mix things up.
I feel that too.
I'm playing Aneurin Bevan for the BBC.
- (CHUCKLES)
- What?
Well, that's not exactly
mixing things up, is it?
I have never played him before.
No, but you've done impressions before.
Don't call them impressions.
How many times have we seen
the tired old Tony Blair shtick?
How many times have you thrown on
a brown coat and glued your hair
into an exponential curve
and battled a salt shaker?
Fucking galaxies have died
since that free-for-all began.
And Bevan's Welsh. Is he gonna
Is he gonna seek out
football teams to shout at?
Is that your new Is that your new
(IMPERSONATING SHEEN) "Oh, bois bach.
Oh, comedy, kick a football around.
Give us some Welsh sugar"? Bit
of that? Is he gonna do that?
Can we expect to see you in
a new crime series for the BBC
any time soon?
- No.
- No? No, really?
I mean, there might be a body
in a small town early next year.
- It's possible.
- Right. Yeah.
You're gonna be looking out over cliffs?
- I might brood.
- Yeah, furrowing the old brow.
I will use all the tools
in my extensive toolbox.
I wonder there's not a mass
exodus as soon as you walk in.
"Oh, this is a lovely town.
I'm glad we moved here.
Oh, isn't that the scrawny fucker
whose arrival heralds
the coming of death?
Hey-ho, on we go."
Yeah.
Yeah. I suppose so.
Recently.
I didn't used to.
GEORGIA: Mm.
I don't know how much mouth rinse
Simon had necked at the dentists,
but the new script for
episode three was
was not boring.
It was big and bold and different.
And I think that's why David
and Michael got excited again.
I know I'd not been keen, but it
was nice to see Michael energised.
And we still had the
documentary as a back-up,
so we just thought, "Let's go."
One last role of the lunacy dice.
So, the script saw David and Michael
meeting past versions of
themselves from season one.
Sort of a warning of what was to come.
David talked to David, Michael
talked to Michael, all on Zoom.
And David taught himself how
to make a sourdough starter.
Then Michael and David
argued with Michael and David.
Then Michael and Michael
argued with David and David,
and the Michaels betrayed the Davids.
It was very high concept.
A Christmas-yet-to-come kind of thing.
Sort of Bill and Ted, really,
or Back To The Future Part II.
One last gasp.
We all really wanted it to work.
Yeah, everyone wanted it to work.
Yeah.
It wasn't
It wasn't really what Josh wanted,
and there was no money, so
Michael checked out.
David did, too.
They didn't want to do it anymore.
So we made the decision
to deliver the documentary.
Georgia got what she wanted.
It wasn't really what anyone wanted.
Not like that.
You know, the show was, um
like a spirited, scrappy little
thing when we started, and now
it's just
Yeah.
I just hope we get away with it.
Fucking hell. They are bad.
- They're not bad.
- They're not good.
Well, stop reading them, then.
"What was fresh and invigorating
is now old and desperate."
Yeah, well, they've
only seen episode one.
- The documentary stuff is fresh.
- This is not what I wanted.
Well, the writing takes the brunt, so
"Evans and co-creator Phin Glynn
should be given concrete shoes
and thrown in the nearest river."
Yeah.
- Hi.
- You've seen them?
- They are bad.
- They are not bad.
They are not good.
I'm listening to Talkback.
- Oh, yeah?
- What's Talkback?
It's, like, a phone-in radio
show. I was listening earlier.
- Are they discussing us?
- Yeah, savagely.
Hey, this caller likes us.
BOTH: Oh.
- No, she doesn't.
- BOTH: Oh.
What did she say?
"In the rankings of comedy double acts,
David and Michael aren't."
Well, people are still calling in.
What about the Radio Times?
Oh, yeah. Yes, they like us!
- They had us on the front cover.
- Yeah, what do they say?
"We have too much respect for David
and Michael to publish a review."
- What can we do?
- Well, we can't DO anything.
- Can we explain?
- Explain what?
You know, that it was a train
wreck from start to finish.
That we're lucky to have
escaped with our sanity,
let alone six episodes of television,
and there should be prizes for effort.
The reviews are out, babe.
- We could film new episodes.
- When?!
- This week.
- You're insane.
We did it in a week before.
We were much younger men then.
It was two years ago.
- Anyway, Lily's over from New York.
- So?
So I want to forget bad reviews
and move on from this sorry chapter
and spend Christmas with my family.
Yeah, listen, everything
is gonna be fine, OK?
Episode two airs tonight.
Michael storms off, we
segue into the documentary,
and it carries on during
the week as planned.
What's episode three?
Um, how we agreed to do series three.
- With Michael hiding in the car?
- Yeah.
- You and me in the shower, that one?
- Mm-hm. Mm.
Episode four is you two
trying to write together.
Oh, God.
And episode five?
This. Where we are now.
(SCOFFS) Are we filming this?
We're filming everything.
Simon can still write us a finale.
We already have one.
Part retrospective, part
looking to the future.
- Well, that sounds terrible.
- I am trying my best.
- Have you heard from Simon?
- No.
Are we worried that they might
be at the bottom of the river?
I mean, let's not worry
about that right now.
OK, well, working on the
basis that he is still alive
and not Mafia casualty,
he still won't have any time
to write anything, will he?
- What about a live episode?
- Oh, don't be so stupid.
MAN: (ON RECORDING)
You're our next caller.
You'll be on air with
Ben Wicks in a second.
- What's that?
- Thanks for waiting.
- I'm on hold.
- With who?
Talkback.
- Why?
- Someone's got to fight our corner.
You can't just call
into a radio station!
- Just watch me.
- Oh!
I'm gonna tell them that we
deserve a prize for effort.
As yourself?
Not as myself. Obviously,
I will disguise my voice.
Well, what name did you give?
They didn't ask for a name.
Hello, you're on with Ben
Wicks. What's your name?
- David.
- Oh!
Hi, David.
(UNUSUAL ACCENT) But my
friends call me Steven.
Good to meet you, Steven.
With a V.
A V, like in David?
Yeah, similar.
And what do you want
to say about Staged?
I really enjoyed that first episode.
Ah, finally!
You are in a minority of one.
What did you enjoy about it?
What did I enjoy about it?
Um I think
That they were trying something new.
They don't give prizes for effort.
- Well, they should!
- It doesn't work that way.
It was a tough production. Their
writer left halfway through.
How do you know that?
Did you work on the show?
No.
So how do you know
about the writer leaving?
Um
Well, what's happened is,
I have a wife on the crew.
A wife? Does this wife
have the inside gossip?
Yeah, she knows a thing or two.
And what did she like
about the first episode?
Oh, she's a big fan
of that David Tennant.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
She thinks he's really sexy.
And can we speak to her?
No, she's busy right now.
But she likes the first episode?
Very much. Very much indeed.
She said to me, "David "
Steven!
- "Steven," she said to me
- Who was that?
My son.
What's his name?
Mervyn.
Did you enjoy the first episode, Mervyn?
(HIGH-PITCHED) I liked it a lot.
He loved it, he did.
You don't think it's
just the same old shtick?
People love the old shtick.
People love the old shtick. Bye!
But critics are calling
it boring, tired.
Steven, they're calling it predictable.
What do you say to them?
Well, they don't know what's coming.
What's coming?
Oh, something really surprising.
I'm all ears.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
As long as it's not another
lazy layer of meta-rubbish,
like a shift into
documentary or something.
No.
Well? What's coming?
What should we be looking out for?
- Um
- Steven?
- What is coming up
- Seriously.
- is really surprising is
- Excite me.
What's gonna save this dead
horse before it's flogged?
Please tell me it gets better.
They're doing a live episode.
Hope you enjoy it. Bye, everyone!
Oh, fuck.
We're doing a live episode.
Hm. OK.
Is that all you're gonna say?
- I'm waiting for a punchline.
- Oh, it's not a joke.
- I'm not writing you a live episode.
- OK, David said something stupid.
- Yes, I heard, on the radio.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Where was he supposed to be from?
Mm, I dunno.
- And Michael was Mervyn, yes?
- OK, we are doing it on Saturday.
- Mm-mm. No, we can't.
- It's important to David.
That is not a basis for
decision making at all.
And Josh is excited about the idea.
I cannot imagine for a second that
Michael is excited about the idea.
Well, he will do it for David.
- Well, I WON'T do it for David!
- Listen, listen.
You started this, you little
tenacious-till-the-going-gets-tough
watered-down idealist.
You came to me.
And, you know what, it
might not have ended up
like the great statement
that you wanted,
and it might not parcel up all
your, like, hopes and dreams,
but YOU are gonna help us finish it.
- What do we need?
- OK. Right, what was it originally?
- What, the original final episode?
- You had a story, didn't you?
Like David and Michael
doing A Christmas Carol?
Yes, but it was all gonna fall
apart due to outside pressures.
OK. What sort of outside pressures?
Michael was going to be
beset by angry carol singers,
and David was gonna be
arrested in Pyongyang.
- What for?
- Treason.
Right. Well, can't it still be that?
No. No.
It's missing all the all the set-up.
Oh!
Could we just do A Christmas Carol?
What, without all the outside pressures?
Yeah. Like, OK, David
Tennant and Michael Sheen
present a live version
of A Christmas Carol,
adapted by Simon Evans,
in the style of Staged,
filmed on laptops, audio on phones.
- On Saturday?
- On Saturday.
Have you read A Christmas Carol?
I have seen the Muppet version.
Dickens was paid by the word.
Kermit the Frog has a doctorate.
Then get Kermit the
Frog to fucking write it!
OK, you wanted to do something
different for episode three.
- And look how that all worked out.
- OK, so do something different here.
People don't want different, do they?!
If we do A Christmas Carol, I
tell you what people will want.
They'll want Marley and Cratchit
arguing about whose name comes
first on the sign outside.
They'll want Bob Cratchit
drawing fucking pineapples.
They'll want us to find
an Oscar-winner to play
- Tiny Tim!
- So give them that.
No! Because they don't
really want that, do they?
Because I will get it in the
neck for being predictable.
Unless, of course,
it's a storming success,
in which case, who gets all the credit?
David and Michael.
You know, there was a review
this morning for episode two.
It called it "Sheen and
Tennant's improvised farce".
- Oh, that sounds positive!
- Argh!
That episode stretched the bounds
of all etiquette around plot
contrivance and exposition,
beyond ALL the boundaries
of literary decency,
and they still think David and Michael
made it up on the fucking spot!
OK, they've never actually
said that, though, have they?
Have they?
- No.
- No.
No, because they have
always stood up for you.
They have always told
everyone how you write it
and praised what you do.
- In public.
- Well, in public, yeah.
Behind the scenes,
they are less generous.
Well, behind the scenes, you're as
useful as a yeast infection, babe.
But, listen, they believe in
you. They stand up for you.
And they have never taken away from
how hard you work and what you do.
- No?
- Not once.
Hm.
Come on!
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
- DAVID: Where are you?!
- MICHAEL: Uh
We're getting there,
you know. Not far now.
- You're supposed to be here.
- Well
Anna's a very cautious driver.
You bringing the kids with you?
No, we left them at my mum and dad's.
- You feeling confident with that?
- In absolutely no way whatsoever.
How's everything looking at your end?
I just stepped outside.
What's the collective
noun for garden gnomes?
A violation?
- It's pretty mental inside.
- Ah.
How's Simon getting along?
He's supposed to be here too.
Have you had anything in from him yet?
- Not a squit.
- Oh, it'll be fine.
I just want it to feel different.
- Well, we can do it in silly hats.
- Yeah.
I just want us to help set up.
Well, isn't it just laptops and phones?
No, no, no, no, no. No, not anymore.
There's lights being hung
Oh
surfaces being painted
Well, historically,
the best way we can help is
by staying out of the way.
I feel responsible.
- Yeah, well, that's understandable.
- We did get everyone into this.
No, YOU got everyone into this.
I'm just caught in your rats' nest.
Yeah.
I just want it to feel different.
What has Georgia said that we can do?
She's asked me to put up some signs.
Well, put up some signs, then.
But we're strong,
handsome men. I wanna be
lifting things up and
putting them down again.
I feel like that would
be a waste of energy.
I mean moving things.
I don't think people
would appreciate that.
Well, we can do what we're told.
Historically, we can't.
- We're here!
- Where the hell have you been?
Yeah, don't ask. We're
outside by the side gate.
We assemble a who's who of acting talent
and you arrive two hours late?
- Did you tell them your joke?
- (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
BOTH: Ah! Ah, welcome! Welcome!
Oh, hello!
Anna! Hello.
- And you brought a camera crew!
- Yeah!
Watch out. Let him through.
Don't ask questions.
- See, I'm getting used to it now.
- Is Lily not with you?
- She's coming down later.
- What's in the bag?
Costume options.
We don't need anything.
Christmas jumpers, funny hats.
- OK.
- Yeah, alright. Is the bunting for me?
Georgia's birthday,
isn't it? Party later.
- Oh, we didn't bring a card.
- I brought a card.
- I'm glad you came.
- Me too.
- I wasn't sure if you were going to.
- Well, Anna told me to.
Oh, yeah? I thought you didn't
want him making any more.
I want him to finish it properly.
- That's very dramatic.
- Well, she's a romantic at heart.
Only when it costs me nothing. Georgia!
Yeah, fair, fair.
Well, well, look at that.
- Very good.
- Yeah. So, we're filming in here.
So, why are we making
it look like my kitchen?
Georgia wanted to keep
the aesthetic of the show.
Ah, right.
- Do you think we'll get away with it?
- Yeah.
OK.
What's the collective noun for
electronics into an extension lead?
A gamble?
Yeah.
We just thought we should make
sure everyone's here on site
in case anything goes wrong. Right.
Ooh!
- Look at that.
- Georgia!
Oh, Michael!
You are late, and Anna
said it's your fault.
- Simon's pulling up.
- OK.
Alright.
No, no, sorry. There's
no shoes upstairs.
- That's yours.
- Ooh, lovely. Great.
Is he Is he in?
- Yeah, he's here. Go on.
- He is?! Right!
(KNOCKS) Ian?
It's Mich Hello! Oh! (CHUCKLES)
Oh you
Yeah, great. Great. OK.
Script with you soon. OK. Bye.
(WHISPERS) I don't trust people
who are comfortable naked
in other people's homes.
GEORGIA: Right, is everyone in position?
Ooh, is Michael's forehead a bit shiny?
- What?
- Yeah, I'll do a little buff.
MAN: (ON RECORDING) Live in 60 seconds.
- Ooh, I'm excited!
- Me too!
- Do we have a script yet?
- Yeah, Simon's printing it now.
- Right.
- OK. There we go. Right, listen.
There's a lot of wires under
your feet, so don't move them, OK?
Oh, right. OK.
- Standing by OBS and phones.
- Yeah. Good here
- Yes. Good here.
- All good.
Mwah! I love you, baby.
- Love you too!
45 seconds.
- Oh, this is what I'm talking about!
- Ha-ha!
We feel like that, uh, that dog
that chases the bird off the cliff
and there's just all air underneath.
But, you know, as long as we
keep our eyes straight ahead,
- we won't fall.
- Yeah.
But it's a coyote.
No, a dog doesn't chase a coyote.
No, it's a coyote that chases
the bird, the Road Runner.
No, it's a cartoon, David.
- Of a coyote.
- Well, how do you know it's a coyote?
'Cause his NAME is Wile E. Coyote.
Well, a name doesn't define a person.
30 seconds.
Still need a script, please, thank you.
Yes, has anyone got eyes on Simon?
- GEORGIA: It's coming!
- Right.
- SIMON: Sorry, sorry!
- Ah! Cometh the hour!
- OK, there we go.
- Thank you.
One for me too, please.
Thank you.
Can I just say a big
thank you, actually,
because I know that, um, things have
It just means a huge amount to me.
I know that you both
always have my back.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I just want to say
- I hope you have a really great time.
- OK. Pleasure.
I'm sure we will, I'm sure we will.
- Have a good show.
- Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
- Time for a cookie jar?
- Maybe later.
- Yeah. Have a very good show.
- Have a good show.
Live in 10 seconds.
- Is yours blank?
- It's completely blank. Is yours?
- Also blank, yeah.
- Five seconds.
- Something on the very last page.
- Oh.
Three, two
- "Improvise your way out of this."
- And we're live.