Stan Against Evil (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 [Animal howls.]
Marty: [Mumbling.]
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
[Object shatters.]
Charlemagne: Who's there? [Object clattering.]
Homeless Jerry, is that you again? I just took a goofer, so I don't have long to play.
[Object clatters.]
Pepper? [Teacup shatters.]
[Crib creaking.]
Shazbot.
Surprise! [Snarling.]
[Screaming.]
[Snarling.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! [Laughs.]
Eat it! Evie: I mean, I've just never seen this many bites on a single body before.
It It's just these tiny consistent bites.
I don't Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What if a small shark, - riding a dog like a horse - No.
- Hear me out.
- No.
[Door opens, closes.]
Hey, Evie.
Oh, uh, Denise, I you probably shouldn't be here.
Is it a bad time? I'm just here looking for some fermentation buckets.
- Are you using them to breed sharks? - No.
My dad's starting a brewery.
And he asked me to get the supplies.
I really should be dealing with this right now, but I'm curious.
Where is your dad starting a brewery? In the tool shed.
Okay, see, he can't do that.
That's illegal.
Oh, my God! [Gasps.]
A Marty Nubbins doll! [Exhales sharply.]
Is that the Marty Nubbins of the "Nubbin's Family Power Hour"? Sure is.
What is a Nubbin? It was a '70s puppet show for kids.
It was all about unity.
Didn't matter if you were young, old, white, black, a fish or a chicken, a bear, or a pimp! We're all different, and that's groovy.
[Laughs.]
And they're all here.
Marty Nubbins, Groovy Gordy, Convoy Cathy, Peace Bear, and Jive Turkey.
Oh, yikes.
It was the '70s.
Ohh.
Both: Ohhhhhh! Doesn't matter who you are To us, you are a shining star It's the "Nubbin's Family Power Hour"! Ha! Ha! Keep it in the family.
Boop! [Both laugh.]
Yeah! [Both laugh.]
Oh, I love it so much.
I want to take 'em all home.
How do I choose?! How do I choose? How do I choose? I'm gonna take Marty! [Laughs.]
[Screams.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Evie: Did you know Mr.
Cantrell? This is free now, right? [Liquid bubbling.]
Hey, Dad.
Oh, sweetheart, you're just in time.
Did you get that, uh, fermentation bucket - I asked about? - No.
Denise, please understand that if I don't ferment this stuff, it's going to turn into jet fuel, and you don't want to be the one responsible - for blowing up the house, do you? - No.
But I did get a puppet.
[Giggles.]
Ha-ha! [Giggles.]
You're really milking this whole "works in mysterious ways" thing, aren't you? Crafty.
[Insects chirping.]
[Footsteps approaching.]
Mm You're gonna sleep in there tonight.
Aah! [Mumbling.]
[Breathing rapidly.]
[Trash can lid clangs.]
[Shudders.]
[Insects chirping.]
[Trash can lid rattles.]
[Trash can lid clatters.]
[Sighs.]
[Liquid bubbling.]
Stan.
The hell is this? Freedom, Barret.
I am no longer a slave to big liquor.
It used to be if I wanted a beer, I used to have to drive all the way down to the liquor store like some kind of wild animal.
Not anymore.
Now I got everything I need right here on the premises.
I, uh I even gave my product a name.
Miller Beer.
I think they already have that.
Yeah, well, they're damn sure gonna have to change it, aren't they? Well, you can brew a batch for yourself, but if you brew to distribute, that's against the law.
Yeah? Well, this is all for me.
11 barrels? Listen here, there, Judge Judy.
Sure, I may drink a little more than you, but that's only because I find it impossible to stop.
Still, I don't know what to tell you, Stan.
You know, we can let you keep one, but we're gonna have to confiscate the rest.
[Scoffs.]
We'll be back.
[Groans.]
Oh, buy a vowel.
- Time for some liquid America.
- [Vehicle doors open, close.]
[Engine starts.]
[Slurps.]
Hmm, that's interesting.
Little oaky with a a bite at the end.
- Heck of a bite.
- Denise: Hey, Dad, can you help me with something inside the house? Absolutely, but there's only one problem.
- [Glass shatters.]
- What? That beer also made me blind.
What? Dad? - Take me inside.
- It's okay.
- Take me inside.
- Come on.
I'm sure this is just a temporary thing.
Just a 24-hour bout of complete and total blindness.
But it's funny, though.
I can feel my other senses getting sharper.
[Inhales deeply.]
Sense of smell.
Uh hearing.
Perfect now.
Dad, w-why don't I help you to your armchair? I don't need my eyes to see.
I can see with my ears, like Jesus.
- Crack a nut.
- What? Crack a nut.
[Nut cracks.]
That was an almond.
Crack another.
[Nut cracks.]
Pistachio.
You're not even trying to challenge me.
I'm evolving.
I'm getting stronger.
I'm I'm becoming more than I've ever been before.
Hmm.
- [Crashes.]
- Oh, no! [Objects clattering.]
[Groans loudly.]
[Inhales deeply.]
[Hums.]
You changed your shirt.
I-I did.
H-How d How did you know? I could hear the different thread count screaming at me like a thousand sirens.
Hmm.
I made you a sandwich.
[Sniffs.]
Cracked pepper turkey on whole wheat toast.
Yeah! How did you know? Denise, is one of those slices of toast the heel of the loaf? Yeah.
But I figured you were blind and and you wouldn't notice.
- I'll throw it away.
- It doesn't matter, sweetheart.
We're in the presence of great danger now.
I can feel it.
It's vibrating inside of me.
Put the sandwich down, go downstairs, lock up the house, and seal everything up.
Namaste.
[Door closes.]
[Laughs evilly.]
[Grunts.]
Aah! Eccles says time to die.
- What are you? - [Spits.]
[Snarls.]
[Grumbles, growls.]
Ow! [Grunts.]
Bad move, bitch.
- [Snarls.]
- [Screams.]
I'm gonna bite your ding dong! [Screaming.]
[Thuds.]
I haven't forgotten about your ding dong.
Ohh.
[Screaming.]
[Spits.]
[Groans.]
[Grunts.]
You're wasting your time 'cause you're already dead, bitch.
[Snarls.]
Yeah, yeah.
Really scary.
[Marty screams.]
Your time is up, Stan Miller.
Tonight, we come for you.
[Laughs evilly.]
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Panting.]
Ugh.
The heel of the bread.
What am I, a dog? [Record needle scratches.]
Bobcat: Kon'nichiwa.
Hello.
Kon'nichiwa.
Hello.
Kon'nichiwa.
Hello.
Kon'nichiwa.
Hello.
Kon'nichiwa.
Hello.
Kon'nichiwa.
Hello.
Kon'nichiwa.
[Speaking Japanese.]
I am very sweaty.
Where is the airport bathroom? [Volume increases.]
[Speaking Japanese.]
I am very sweaty.
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Muffled screams.]
[Speaking Japanese.]
- [Record needle scratches.]
- Very sweaty.
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Laughs evilly.]
- [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? Sayonara.
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Muffled screams.]
- [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? [Snarling.]
- [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? - [Needle scratches.]
- Where is the airport bathroom? Marty: [Mumbling.]
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins.
[Groans.]
Ow! [Grunts.]
Gonna need some Ow! help to kill these bitch Ow! [Grunts.]
Darksome night and shining moon, harken to thy blackened rune.
East then south, west then north, here come! I call thee forth! [Laughs evilly.]
Kill, kill, kill, kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill! [All laugh evilly.]
So, after you chewed through the tape, then what? [Shouting.]
I told you! I can't hear anything! Leon, what are you drawing? We already know what the puppet looks like.
Oh, I'm just coloring.
- Sure.
- [Door opens.]
- [Door closes.]
- Denise: Kevin! - Hmm.
Nice kitchen.
- I told you learning a language - is dangerous! - Stan: Hey, Kev-o, uh, Denise tells me that you were attacked by a one-armed puppet.
- What?! - Aah! Stan: Stop screaming.
My ears are very delicate.
- I can't hear you! - Ow! Bobcat Goldthwait made me deaf! - Who? - [Electricity crackles.]
Now what the hell is going on? The phones are dead.
There's no reception.
Do you think they took out a cell tower? [Glass bottles clinking.]
Sheriff! Come out and play-ay! [Clinking continues.]
Sheriff! Come out and play-ay! I want everyone to stay calm.
And get low.
[Nubbins chanting "Kill, kill, kill".]
- Kevin.
- What?! [Muffled grunts.]
Shh.
[Whispering.]
I want you to go up there, look around, and tell me what you see.
[Nubbins chanting "Kill, kill, kill" in distance.]
Turkey: Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! [Gasps.]
What do you see? I think they're surrounding the house! [Normal voice.]
Stop screaming.
Ow! Groovy Gordy: Groovy! [Screams.]
[Glass shatters.]
Kevin! [Both grunting.]
Take your felty paws off me.
Damn you! [Both grunting.]
Aah! [Slow-motion.]
I got 'em! [Slow-motion.]
Wait.
[Groovy Gordy snarling.]
- Aah! - [Grunts.]
[Groans.]
You ain't got the guts, pig.
[Gunshot.]
Ah! Oh, man.
Thank God you got him with one bullet because [Gunshots.]
Stan: [Normal voice.]
Ow! [Gunshots.]
[Gunshots.]
L-Lee? [Gunshots.]
[Gun clicks.]
Because my gun's in the car.
[Glass shatters.]
[Nubbins chanting "Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins".]
Lock all the doors and barricade the windows.
[Gunfire.]
They must be using a silencer! [Gunfire continues.]
[Laughs evilly.]
Peace Bear has a machine gun! [Gunfire continues.]
[Nubbins chanting "Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins".]
- [Footsteps.]
- Evie: What the hell? They're inside the house.
Game over, man! They're in the ceiling.
They're trying to crawl through the pipes.
Evie, you gotta go shut the drain down.
Come on.
- Be careful! Oh! - Hah, ha.
- Get that Get that thing.
- What are you doing? Ow.
I can't see.
[Garbage disposal whirring.]
No, wait! Wait! What? [Grunting.]
Aah! Who wants to die today? Here's Cathy! I'm gonna cut your ass.
We're gonna need more weapons.
There's two live hand grenades in the trunk of the squad car.
What?! They're just rolling around back there.
I didn't tell you because I didn't How long have I been driving around with live grenades in the car? Do you want to hear the story or not? No.
I'll go.
No.
I'll do it.
[Nubbins chanting "Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins".]
[Leon screaming.]
[Nubbins chanting "Nubbins, Nubbins, Nubbins".]
Oh, my God.
Leon, are you okay? Convoy Cathy bit my big rig.
[Whimpers.]
Aah.
[Whimpers.]
They've all gathered.
They're up to something.
Eccles says we ice these bitches.
10-4, good buddy.
Why don't we make them some poison pancakes? Ugh.
Least I don't exploit women for profit.
Oh, because I'm Jive Turkey, I'm a pimp? - You are a pimp.
- Racist.
Guys, guys, guys.
Can we talk about this later? Let's open the portal.
How am I gonna get my gun outta that car? I have a Civil War musket in the back hall! Why? I worked my way through clown college doing Civil War reenactments! I didn't know you went to clown Don't go there.
Get it! Nubbins: No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
- No matter who you are - You only got one shot.
Great.
To us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are Oh, something's coming out out of the ground.
Maybe I should take the shot, Evie, on account I'm - Blind? - Well, I wasn't going to go there, no.
- Nubbins: To us, you are a shining star.
- [Laughs evilly.]
Okay.
He No matter who you are Wait a minute.
What am I thinking? Leon, in addition to your loose hand grenades do we still have that keg of Stan's explosive beer in the trunk? [Mumbling.]
Terrific.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
Rise, omnipotent ruler.
Nubbins: to us, you are a shining star.
[Marty laughs evilly.]
Nubbins: No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
No matter who you are, to us, you are a shining star.
- No matter who you are - It doesn't matter who you are, - to us, you are a shining - to us, you are a shining [Gunshot, explosion.]
[Marty screaming.]
[Laughs.]
- Yes! - [Laughing.]
Evie! What do you know? I can see again.
- Hey! - I heard that! That loud explosion must have brought back my hearing! - Say, Kev-o - Huh.
Can I have a look-see at your your musket here? Sure.
What a wonderful gift.
Thank you, Kevin.
- Thank you.
- What? He said, "What a wonderful gift!" No, no, no.
No, I-I think he was Never mind.
[Muffled speaking.]
[Marty screaming, thuds.]
Oh, it doesn't matter who you are To us, you are a shining star It's the "Nubbin's Family Power Hour"! Bop! Bop! Keep it in the family! Boop!