Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e05 Episode Script

1
Listen up.
Here's an old
prison yard play called
"The Cavity Search".
I'm gonna fake a hand-off
to me and then reject it.
Then I'm gonna hit "Nuttage"
here deep and hard.
I mean, I'm gonna get that
ball all down in there.
I got it, Jerri.
No, I'm gonna slam it hard,
you're gonna wish
I got it! Jerri.
On two.
Break!
[GROWLING & BARKING]
Hut one! Hut two!
Lunch!
Lunch is ready!
Who wants meat?
[LAUGHS]
That's my girl.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
This is great.
Yeah, Stew certainly knows
how to dismember an animal
and then burn it.
I've been doing it
since I was a kid.
Oh, gosh, Jerri,
your stepmother's lover
is a great father figure.
You sure are lucky.
Yeah, I am.
This is the first time
since my daddy died
that I feel like a family.
Do you feel like a family, Stew?
I sure do, little girl.
I sure do.
I think I'll call you "Daddy".
I'd like that.
Life is so wonderful
As long as I'm not destroyed
by my secret enemies,
the Red Squad.
Hello!
I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
And that is why they
call it "the oldest profession".
Now, as it is Occupation Week,
we are lucky enough to have
some of your fathers
come speak to us this week
about their jobs.
When are the moms coming?
Never if I have anything
to say about it, missy!
I gave Mom a chance to be civil,
but I guess we have to
settle this in court.
Now we'll see
who the crazy one is.
Okay, whoever's father
is coming by this week,
why don't you stand up
and talk about
what they're gonna talk about.
Well, my dad makes video games,
and he'll have plenty
to give away.
My father's an anthropologist,
and he'll have pictures of
naked attractive young people
with ceremonially-pierced
nipples.
My father will be here
to talk about meat.
Big deal, heh heh.
Who wants to hear about meat?
Actually, he does know
a lot about meat,
and it's pretty cool.
Thanks, "Octopussy".
[BELL RINGS]
Get out!
Meat, huh?
Maybe I misjudged you, Blank.
Yeah, my daddy's gonna give
the best speech ever!
[SPITS]
Hey, Daddy!
Can you speak at
my school about meat?
Huh, please, huh?
Meat!
Anything for my little girl.
What're you doin'
up there Dad?
Just a little roof maintenance.
The dairy smell masks my scent,
makes it hard for 'em
to find me.
I'm gonna go into the house now.
Okay.
Be careful of that doorknob,
it's a smoked Gouda.
Okay?
Bye, Jerri.
Hello, Stepmother.
Hey, how many frozen pizzas did
you buy for my sleepover tonight?
I thought I'd hold off
on the pizzas, Jerri,
until we found out how many girls
are gonna cancel at the last minute.
Hey, I just asked Stew to come to
my school and speak about meat.
Ah, don't go bothering Stew
right now, honey, okay?
He's under enough stress
as it is.
Yeahspeaking of which,
do you think he's been
actin' a little strange?
By accepting you as his
daughter, you mean?
No, I mean by stapling
cheese to the roof.
Listen here, Jerri!
That man works very hard
taking care of his family and ours!
He knows exactly
what he's doing.
He's fine!
Yeah, mind your own
beeswax, plug,
Stew is fine.
Good one, Stew!
So, who ya all talkin' about?
C'mon, I know you were
talkin' 'cause
When I looked through the
window I saw a lot of gum flappin'.
I was just saying
how excited everyone is
that you're coming
to school to talk.
Let's just hope it's not
some sort of setup
by the Red Squad.
Sara, do we have
any cream cheese?
I need to tuck point
the chimney.
Can't wait to talk
to your class.
SARA:
Satisfied, Jerri?
He's fine.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
Alright, what is
the craziest thing
you've ever done with a boy?
You first, Trudy.
Well, Ed Ordenez and I,
kissed beneath
the school stairs.
French!
Okay, oh, what about you, Rene?
Well, um
Me and Rich Kasper,
went to a pool party one time,
and we were kind of
buzzed on sugar.
So after everyone went inside,
we put on our bathing suits
and went skinny-dipping!
[SQUEALING LAUGHTER]
What about you, Jerri?
Well, I don't know
how crazy this was,
but this one time I hooked up
with this Colombian drug lord
at a cock fight.
And me and him and some of
his "death squad"
went to this
abandoned warehouse.
They tell me to face a corner,
strip down to my panties
and hold onto the radiator.
[GIGGLING]
I figure, "what the heck".
Then I hear the
"click-click-click"
of the bigger one's peg leg
moving closer to me.
He removes his leg
and slides it up my
Derrick
All of Jerri's young high
school friends are sitting in there
in nothing but
skimpy nightgowns!
Why aren't you hiding in
the closet masturbating?
I wanna read my
gladiator magazines.
Sooo, after we get
all that mopped up,
we still have to find a place
to hide the body.
That was probably
one of the craziest things
I ever did with a fella.
[LAUGHTER]
Jerri's got
a boyfriend ♪
Jerri's got
a boyfriend ♪
Jerri's got
a boyfriend ♪
No, no, no I never even
saw their faces,
much less got their names.
You next, copperhead.
Uhh
I was holding hands
with Mark Cozzi and
[CRASHING]
Who sent you?
Who sent me?
Who hold onto this,
it's made out of cheese!
Now there's two of me!
That oughta throw 'em off
for a little while
I was never here.
Ha ha, Stew, you are hilarious!
Ha ha!
What was that about, Jerri?
Oh, he's trying to scare us.
Well, he did a good job!
Is he gonna be able to
make the speech at school?
Why wouldn't he?
Well, he seems
a little unstable.
Yeah, well he's not!
Hey, I have an idea!
Let's take off our pajamas
and have a pillow fight!
No, it's a school night.
We should really get some sleep.
Okay, no problem.
[GIGGLING]
Girls
Is my daddy crazy?
What is crazy?
Those girls are so
innocent and close.
Hurt them!
I hope the kids at school
don't find out about this.
Set fire to the house.
Make 'em pay!
Do you mind?
I'm trying to think down here!
Sorry!
Sorry!
I'm so keyed up
I'll never fall asleep.
[SNORING]
It's distilled from sugar cane
and can be mixed with
soda or tonic water,
and is usually garnished
with a lime.
Okay, who's ready for some rum?
Let's drink some rum!
Yarr!
Captain Stack!
There's plenty of
Captain Stack's
original smoked rum
for all of ya!
Heh heh heh, get smokey!
Drink me rum!
Ha ha ha, yeah!
Remember, friends know
when to say when
good job and when
to drink more rum!
Heh heh, drink me' rum!
Good job, Mr. Kolovitz
thanks for stopping by.
Drink me' rum.
Me' rum, drink it!
Drink me' rum!
Thank you, Captain.
Okay
Since Mr. Kolovitz finished
a little bit early,
I'm gonna read you this book
silently to myself.
Good rum!
I can't wait till
Stew comes with meat,
that's gonna be great!
Yeah, that's gonna be something.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, uh, Blank,
I just heard from Rene
that your dad is a wacko.
What?!
Yeah, I bet ya that nutcase
doesn't even show up Friday.
That's madness,
that's insane, that's crazy!
He'll be here!
I knew this whole meat thing
was too good to be true.
"They told her
to face the corner,"
"strip down to her panties
and grab a hold of"
"The radiator."
"Just then the big one hopped
across the room with his peg leg."
"Slowly he unscrew"
Stew?
Oh God
I smell like Gouda.
Stew!
Stew?
Ste-eew!
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
Take it down a rung there,
little missy.
How are you feeling?
Never felt better.
Hey, I wanna run my
speech by ya!
[STOMACH GURGLING]
Let me pop in the old
crapper, I'll be right back.
Jerri, everything's
gonna be okay.
I can't speak at
your school on Friday.
Why, what's wrong?
I've been fired.
What do you mean?
Stew's Meats is your company.
You can't get fired.
The man who came into the
mirror, told me I was fired,
and then he tried to shave me.
No, Stew
He tried to shave me, Jerri.
He tried to shave me!
No, no, Stew.
Horror!
1, 2, 3stroke.
Mr. Jellineck?
In a minute, Jerri.
1, 2, 3stroke.
1, 2, 3stroke.
What's on your mind, Jerri?
Do you know anything
about mental illness?
What makes you think I'm crazy?
I know what I'm doing
I paint on every third stroke.
It's a prime number,
it can't be broken down.
I try to paint on the even ones,
but they keep fighting back.
You're not the crazy person.
I'm not?
I mean, of course I'm not.
Oh, you're probably talking
about your stepmother's lover.
I hear he's a psycho.
What?!
Well, that's nothing but
an ugly, vicious truth!
He's insane, and I have to
de-crazy him up by tomorrow.
Have you tried confining
him to a small box,
force-feeding him milk and
poking him with a stick?
Will that fix him?
It'll make his cutlets tender.
Hey, why don't you head down
to the school library
and get some information
on maniacs?
Library
That sounds familiar,
what is it?
I'm not sure.
Thanks, Mr. Jellineck.
Hello?
Yoo-hoo!
Hello?
Hi.
Looking for something?
May we
Help you?
No, I was just leaving.
Nonsense
We wouldn't hear of it.
We get so fewvisitors.
I was sent here to so were we.
Could you get a message to
Principal Mullet for us?
Principal Mullet?
It's Principal Blackman.
BOTH: There's been a
change in administration!
Would you ask him
if we can come out?
Look, I just came in here
to get some information
on mental craziness.
This should get you started.
You mind?
How thoughtless.
We'll be in the stacks.
RECORD:
"The Truth About Mental Illness."
Copyright 1932.
Produced by the Association for
the Advancement of the Mentally Ill.
Turn the filmstrip ahead one
frame whenever you hear [DING]
[DING]
In the middle ages,
physicians believed that
mental illness was caused by
"demons" inhabiting
the patients' skull,
and that there was
no way to let them out.
But today, modern science
teaches us
that this can be accomplished
with the use of a hand drill.
[DING]
Thanks to this new technology,
there is no reason
the mentally ill
can't be a valuable member
of society.
Here are some treatment
success stories.
[DING] Ed Walsh
works as a carpenter.
[DING] Sean O'Shea
is a successful grocer.
[DING] And if you need your
teeth fixed go see Steve Skrine
He's a dentist.
[DING]
Remember, with proper
medical care,
the owner of an
alternative brain
can be a doctor, or a butcher,
or even a daddy. [DING]
I gotta get some treatment
for my daddy's demons.
Where are you going?
I thought we were friends.
I-I gotta go save my daddy.
You betrayed us.
Run little girl!
I can't hold him for long!
You fool, now they'll
never let us out.
So that's what a library is!
Stew?
Stew?
Ahh hhhha!!
Stew!!
Oh, hi, Jerri,
how was school today?
I think the beasties in your
head need to be let out.
What are you talkin' about?
You're crazy.
I am? You're the one
who's yellin'.
I am? Yes, and I wish
you'd keep it down
because Derrick
is trying to sleep.
But what about you
firing yourself?
Oh, turns out that was
just a big mixup.
But I had a talk with myself,
and I've decided to give me
another shot.
Which means I can talk
to your class tomorrow!
So you're really sane?
Jerri, if I wasn't sane,
would I be able to make
these rapid mood swings?
I'm so happy.
Let's celebrate!
I'll take the whole family
out for pizza.
We could go to Pizzamania!
All the kids go there, and they
can see how un-crazy you are
Daddy.
Pizzamania!
Pizza-pizza-pizza!
[CROWD CONVERSING]
[EVERYONE SILENCES]
Soo, what would
anyone like to eat?
I'm gonna have
chicken "snatchatori".
SARA:
Garlic!
Certainly, and the
garlic knots are excellent.
Uh hello blanks!
And Stew.
As you are scheduled to
speak at my school tomorrow,
and in light of certain
unfortunate rumors
that I have helped promulgate,
it is my duty to ask,
are you insane in the membrane?
Boo!
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
I give this man a clean bill
of mental health!
[APPLAUSE]
I didn't order that.
Who sent it?!
Who sent it!!
It's not for you.
Then it's not for anybody!!
Arrrrrgh!
My eyes, my eyes!
I'm lactose intolerant!
Death to the Red Squad!!
Hello, yes!
Wild dunes mental hospital?
This is an emergency.
The Red Squad!
The Red Squad!
You betrayed me!!
You betrayed me in
the wrestling ring!!
Well, Jerri,
it's been a tough night,
but we finally subdued him.
I'll tell ya, your son Stew sure
can take a blow to the head.
Well, technically,
he's not my son,
he's my stepmother's lover.
Oh, good, then you can
sign these release forms.
How's he doin'?
Well, aside from the insanity,
he's as healthy as a horse
that's been beaten unconscious
by a gang of savage orderlies.
Dr. Trepanning,
can you get all the crazy
out of my daddy?
I can't make any promises,
Jerri, but
I promise I will.
I'll use every tool
at my disposal:
Medication, drugs
And pills!
Well, how long will it take?
Well, if we can
get the mixture right
and successfully balance
his humors, I'd say about
What is it, Wednesday?
30 years.
What?! I need him
by this afternoon!
Jerri, the brain is a delicate
and highly complicated organ.
I know, I've taken
a few of them apart,
and every time I put them
back together
there's always a few
extra parts layin' around.
Why can't you just drill
a hole in his skull
to let the demons out?
[CHUCKLES]
Jerri
Drilling a hole in the skull
to let the "demons" out
is a pretty archaic treatment
of mental illness.
Today, we sedate the demons
until they become addicted,
and then we coax them out
with a piece of meat.
It takes years.
Then could I have a moment
alone to say good-bye?
Of course.
C'mon, Daddy!
You got a speech to give!
Because Jerri Blank's father
had a mental breakdown,
he's in the hospital.
So I thought we'd all pitch in
and make one big card for Jerri
that expresses
how much I hate Jerri.
Not so fast!
My daddy promised to
give a speech today,
and by golly
he's gonna give one!
Please welcome Stew
My new healthy daddy.
[SHEEP BLEATS]
Get that lunatic outta here!
It's okay, I'm all better now.
Now, as you all know,
I am a meat man.
And today, my little
friend Toni
And I are gonna show you just a
little bit about what that means
Jerri, I came back and you
and Stew were gone.
What's he doing here?
He's a very dangerous man!
Not anymore, I fixed him.
How?
With this!
Oh dear God.
Easy, girl.
That's right.
Now let's talk about
cuts of meat.
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Well, I'll be damned!
You sure did fix him.
What do ya make of that?
Only this
We had a lot of fun tonight
with mental illness,
but the statistics
aren't so funny.
Millions of Americans suffer
from psychological disorders
and are not getting
the proper care.
Now you tell me,
what's so funnyabout that?
Good night.