Suburgatory (2011) s03e05 Episode Script

Hey jacket? Or no jacket? - Jacket.
- Right.
The two of us always wore jackets.
We never hung out without jackets.
- Dad? - Natural waist, or sagging? Sagging, definitely.
Dad was nervous.
Nervous about reuniting with his best friend Noah.
But he didn't have to be.
They were old friends.
Come on, dad.
You guys are like these two.
Who Simon & Garfunkel? Yeah.
Sure, life happens, and you go your separate ways.
But when you reunite, it's like time stands still and you pick up right where you left off and make beautiful music together, according to Wikipedia.
Right.
Right where we left off.
The only thing was, neither Simon nor Garfunkel had ever spent 80 days seeking inpatient treatment for anger issues at least not according to Wikipedia.
Free at last, buddy! - Free at last! Whoo! - Aah! Oh, what? I was just going in for the high five.
High fives aren't scary.
High fives are 'cause something awesome happened.
There you go.
I'm sorry.
I just I'm - A little shell-shocked.
- Yeah.
Right, I I completely understand.
But you're out.
And you're leaving all that behind you.
Right? We're both wearing jackets.
A new day is dawning.
- Am I right? - Right.
- Right, so give me a pound! - Aah! Okay.
No no pound.
So far, the reunion was a little more "Troubled Water" than "Homeward Bound.
" Wow, so, you're telling me it's not even an elective.
Correct.
It's a class required for graduation.
Uh, but how does senior tanning enrich students academically? It doesn't.
It enriches our yearbook aesthetically.
See, this is exactly what's wrong with Chatswin.
There is way too much emphasis on aesthetics.
We should be studying Descartes, not De La Renta.
But that is a super-cute De La Renta.
Thanks.
Suburgatory 3x05 - Blame it on the Rainstick Original air date February 26, 2014 Okay.
Hey, seniors.
Now, as you all know, I'll be overseeing the tanning unit, as well as all subsequent field trips wherein we will be tanning your unit.
Curious who here knows the proper tanning form? If your hand's not in the air, don't despair, as I will be going over all that.
Now, those of you with more junk in the trunk, you will need to be vigilant about performing a maneuver known as the butt-cheek check.
And if you're white as chalk like Tessa, you need to start slow.
If you drop a cracker into a fire, it just burns, and so, too, will you.
- Yes.
- I have to go pee.
Okay.
Senior tanning? The more I thought about it, the more I made peace with it.
It wasn't something I saw myself doing pre-Chatswin, but maybe it was time to surprise myself and for the first time ever ditch school.
This is nice Good, old-fashioned hang.
Hang sesh.
Just a couple of bros enjoying the sound of silence.
Silence, yeah.
I, uh I I notice - you're wearing glasses.
- Yeah.
I don't recall you ever wearing glasses before.
No.
Something happen to your eyes? I wasn't seeing clearly.
Okay.
Noah what did they do to you in there? The A.
C.
isn't on, and you haven't complained once about the temperature.
I haven't heard a single snide comment about how uncomfortable the couch is or the dog smell, which I know you hate.
But I don't hate.
Not anymore.
Sorry, I'm not buying it.
There are way too many things that enrage you.
- Not anymore.
- Yeah? Pomegranates.
Worth the effort.
Ted Danson dating Whoopi Goldberg.
The heart wants what it wants.
The sequel to "Bring It On.
" Was entitled "Bring It On Again" and aptly so.
It got the job done.
While George was getting his first taste of the new Noah I was tasting freedom, and it was delicious.
In Manhattan, parks were mostly for buying drugs and public urination, but in Chatswin, it seemed like the parks were used for something else.
What's going on in here?! I don't know performance art, some stupid band.
I'm out.
I got zumba in half an hour.
Whatever it was, it was incredibly un-Chatswin-like.
And by that, I mean it was amazing.
Whoo! Whoo! Wow, that was just, like wow! - Thanks.
- And you guys get so sweaty.
- Yeah, we do.
- Just, like, a lot of sweat in a really short period of time.
It's not that hot in here impressive.
- I'm Caris.
- Tessa.
I couldn't help but notice that our music seemed to move you.
It was like you were singing what I was feeling.
Isn't it amazing? People wander across each other's paths for a reason.
And I bet there's a reason you wandered across ours.
Yeah, 'cause I cut school.
Guys, this is Tessa.
Tessa, this is Carol, Tommy, Lonny, Dommy, Nonny, Konny, Bahammy, Mikey, Likey, Tikey, Sikey, Moop, Meep, Nimmy, Dimmy, and Luke.
We're a group of musical nomads.
We live together, and we travel wherever the rhythm brings us.
And it brought you to Chatswin? I think it brought us to you.
Greta, hey, I I got your message.
Is everything okay? It's great to have him back.
It is, but, uh, Dr.
Werner he isn't himself.
Right.
He's had a patient unconscious in his office for over an hour.
What? Noah? Noah? Noah? Hey, George! - Whoa.
- Good to see you.
You look well.
Is that a new top? Noah, w what's what's going on with this guy? Oh, you know, I can't do this.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't.
I tried, and I just can't.
It goes against all my training.
Your your dental training? No, my mental-wellness training.
I can't bring myself to brutally wrench the bone from his flesh.
It's the ripping and the tearing.
It's the rippin' and the tearin'.
I won't do it! Well, you should have thought of that before you anesthetized him.
You're not wrong about that.
But you y you have great instincts.
You know, and a and a and a and a steady hand.
You know? Uh, you got a you got a firm firm firm grip.
Hold it.
I've always said that about you.
Noah, I mean, doesn't that require years of training? Not really.
Just think of it as a nail that you're pulling out of a wall.
Right? You've pulled plenty of nails out of walls.
- Noah - This one's just made of jawbone.
That one.
I could go to jail for what I did today.
This could be my last meal.
In that case, it needs salt.
And the worst part isn't all the hand-holding Noah needs.
The worst part is feeling like I I lost a best friend.
Just as I gain 17 new ones.
George, not to gloat, but I joined a band.
Well, they're not so much of a band as they are a radical musical movement, and the best part is they're not from Chatswin.
In fact, they're the antithesis of Chatswin.
Where are they from? The whole wide world planet Earth.
They are musical nomads, and they taught me how to play this.
- The giant stick? - The giant rain stick.
It is a conduit for divination, relaxation, and spiritual healing.
Cool.
- Can you hear it? - Yeah.
- Can you feel it? - Eh.
Well, Nimmy says it's transformative.
Yeah, well, maybe Nimmy can use it to transform Noah back to the way he used to be.
- Nimmy? I can't be saying that right.
- You are.
It's like Noah overcorrected, you know? He's he's completely neutered.
I have to figure out a way to snap him out of it.
George, I'm telling you, I have the cure for what ails him right here in this stick.
- You want me to show you? - Sure.
Can you muster a little enthusiasm?! Sure! Right, so, we have that.
Maybe I'll just try a couple other things first.
Since poor food service was Noah's button Well, I I cannot imagine what is taking the food so long.
Dad decided to push it again and again.
First course, gentlemen, Chef's salad.
Ah.
Dressing on the side? Oh.
No onions.
You're allergic to onions.
And that's a $23 salad.
Which is why it will not go to waste.
Can I get you anything else? Hmm.
Maybe just a a small glass of water.
Coming right u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-p.
Nothing in life is perfect, not even this glass of water.
Really? You're gonna drink the water? Oh, geez.
I must say you're looking quite golden.
Quite, quite golden indeed.
Perhaps one or two of you still need to work on your technique.
Perhaps it's just one of you one student in particular.
I know, okay? I know.
I dozed off.
Well, that's what the buddy system is for, and I can't help but notice your buddy, Tessa Altman, is once again a no-show.
No, Tessa's here.
She's definitely here.
She just has a raging U.
T.
I.
Um, you know how much bacteria loves Tessa.
Um, you know what? She's probably in the bathroom.
- I'll just go check.
- Okay.
Hey! - Buddy, what gives?! - Oh.
I just had to cover for you again.
What are those dots? - Never mind my dots.
- Now you have dots? Okay, okay.
I found something way more enriching than the march towards skin cancer.
I joined a band, and it's amazing and liberating.
And I really hope you come see us play in the park.
Why do you look like "Braveheart"? Why? Because my buddy has her priorities screwed up.
My priorities are screwed up? You can't keep skipping class.
- Lisa, it's not a real class.
- It will be when you fail it.
Lisa if you want to be a half-tan sheep in a full-tan flock, go for it.
But me, I'm marching to the beat of a different drummer Luke.
- That's my band's drummer.
- You're still in a flock.
It's just a different flock, and I can't believe you'd be more loyal to a group of strangers you just met in the park than you would be to me, your best friend! What am I supposed to do about a buddy?! I don't know, Lisa.
Maybe it's time you go find yourself a new one.
Burn.
On your face.
You should get that looked at.
Yeah, what about? Oh! I don't know why I thought it was soundproof.
It looked soundproof, but it isn't.
It's about Tessa.
What's up, Dallas? Well, this is about the bronzing requirement expected from all students in their senior year.
Tessa's performance, I'm afraid, pales in comparison, and I just wanted to Wanted to come down and talk to me about it.
- Got it.
- Well, now, hold on.
Am I detecting a tone? No, no tone.
I will talk to Tessa about taking her "tanning class" more seriously.
And the next time you want to talk to me, don't feel compelled to use my daughter as an excuse.
What?! First off, if you're implying that I harbor tenderness for you, you are sorely mistaken.
And secondly, I don't appreciate your "air quotes" and "all" that they "imply.
" - Incorrect use of air quotes.
- Incorrect use of your mama.
I came down here out of concern for Tessa.
And if you're not concerned, well, there's nothing for you to concern yourself with.
Hang on, guys.
Hang on a sec.
Tessa, everything okay? Yeah.
Why? The stick felt a little off today.
- A lot off.
- Shut up, Nonny.
Why don't you mind your own washboard? Whoa, hey.
Whoa.
Not cool.
Tessa, i if something is intruding on your happiness, let us know, but please don't intrude on Nonny's.
Sorry Nonny.
Sorry, you guys.
I just, um I got in an argument with my best friend, and I know she's really mad at me.
And I guess it's really nagging at me.
Would it help if we killed her? What? If we murdered her, I mean.
You see, technically, the band is your best friend now, and we find that outside friendships tend to get really problematic.
So killing, uh Lisa.
Lisa might be the cleanest way to go on this one.
A charismatic leader, no outside friendships, matching white outfits, and made-up names that rhyme with the exception of Luke.
How could I have missed it? I didn't join a band.
I joined a cult! Um Caris, I just had, like, a small question that I wanted to question you about over here.
Shoot.
So, uh, what happens to band members who don't want to be in the band anymore.
Tessa, we don't keep people here by force, silly.
You can pretty much go anytime you want.
You just need to turn your uniform in, suffer one exit beating, and you are on your way.
Exit b beating? Oh, it's a formality.
Exit beatings are exacted using whichever instrument you play.
In your case youch! Yeah.
Too bad I don't play the kazoo, right? Yeah.
But I once took someone's eye out with one of those, so Right.
Hey.
You're not thinking about leaving, are you? - No way.
- Okay.
Tessa? Tessa? Lisa, no.
No, no, no, no.
You have to get out of here.
Look, I know that things got pretty real in the bathroom between us.
- What? What are you talking about? - The fight.
But I just want you to know that I put our friendship above all else.
So if Muhammad won't tan at the mountain the mountain will play in the band with Muhammad.
Lisa, this is a cult, and they're gonna kill you.
They're gonna kill you.
They told me they want to kill you.
- Mm, what? - Yeah.
Look here! Not one but two little cutters who avoided my Holy crap! This is a cult.
You girls joined a cult? Unintentionally.
H how did you even know that this Oh, my gosh, I was big into cults as a tween.
Loved cults, loved 'em.
If not for all those pesky exit beatings I don't want an exit beating.
Okay, girls, just take a deep breath.
I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
- How many have you slept with? - What?! None! And you haven't exchanged any vows or sister-wived yourself in any way? - No.
- Good.
You're doing great.
Do they know your last name, your place of residence, or either of your socials? - No! - No! In that case run! - Oh, damn! - Lisa! Don't slow down! If she's supposed to make it, she will! She said it was a band.
Well, there was a musical element.
But then with most good cults, there usually is.
I'm sorry I didn't take you seriously.
I can't thank you enough for looking out for Tessa.
You want to stay, have a slice of pizza? - It's the least I can do.
- No, thanks.
Um, but, George, the next time you want to invite me to dinner, you don't need to use your "daughter" as an excuse.
Improper use of air quotes.
She is my daughter.
When friendships change, sometimes you have to change with them.
Lisa was willing to join a cult to save our friendship, so maybe George had given up too quickly on connecting with Noah.
After all, he was Simon to his Garfunkel.
Thank you, George.
- I know I let you down.
- No, no.
I let you down.
For not being more accepting.
But that's all behind us now.
I just have never been so at peace in my life My son playing in the sand best friend at my side.
Give me that, fat ass! Whoa! Wow, that oh.
- The old me would have gotten mad at that.
- Right? - He called my son a "fat ass"! - You okay? Well, no, I'm I I'm good.
Hoo.
Hoo.
- That's right.
- He called him a "fat ass"! - Hey, hey, Noah! Noah! - Listen, hey, hey, hey! I want to I want to talk to you there, champ! - That's not a fat ass! That is a diaper a diaper, okay?! - Hey.
Even though George feared for that child's safety, he had to admit it was nice to have his old friend back.
- I will end you! - Okay.
Okay.
All right?!