Sullivan and Son (2012) s03e05 Episode Script

Hey, Steve, notice anything different about me? Uh, you don't have a beer in your hands.
And whose fault is that? Okay, how about now? Uh, the vein in your forehead is pulsing.
Did you see two men holding hands? Come on.
What do you see? New suspenders.
No, no.
These are the ones I found in the alley.
Come on.
I give up, Hank.
Sweet Jesus! I got my hair cut! I told my barber to surprise me, and, boy, did he.
Huh? - Hey, everybody! - Hey.
Oh, God.
It's the world's worst driver Brad Keselowski.
And that's coming from an Asian woman.
The guy hasn't won a Nascar race in months.
It's been loss after loss after Hey, champ! Stop blowing smoke up my ass.
I'm on the worst losing streak of my life.
Oh, it hasn't been that bad.
Oh, really? First, my tires blew.
Then I ran out of gas.
And last week, I was tweeting amusing emoticons Smiley face, birthday cake crash.
Were you tweeting last year when you turned my Corolla into an accordion? Hey, I remember you.
You used to scare me.
And you still do.
So, Brad, haven't seen you in a while.
What brings you to town? Oh, just passing through for the big race.
- How fast can you go? - About 200 mile an hour.
You know, usually, I don't like men who finish fast, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
Ma'am.
Hey, Brad, you remember me? Oh, yeah.
Hank.
Hey, I really like what you did to your hair.
Well, thank you.
Steve suck it.
Steve, I'll open the beer this time.
I'm feeling good about this one.
Come on, baby.
Oh, man! I'm never gonna win this beer sweepstakes.
So unfair.
Well, there's something the supreme court can't fix for you.
Hey, Owen, check it out 2:00.
- Oh, she is hot.
- Ask her out, Owen.
No way.
I've been on a cold streak.
I totally lost my game.
I'm not smooth.
I'm not cool.
I'm not confident.
Lately, I've been saying a lot of stupid things.
Lately? Yeah, it's happened with like the last 68 girls.
Well, then, you're due, Owen.
Look, what have you got to lose? You're right.
I'm going in for 69.
Hi! Uh, sorry.
That was too loud.
Hi.
Sorry.
I'm waiting for someone.
- Who? - A bolt of lightning, Anything that'll end this conversation.
So that's a negatory? I keep screwing up.
I want a girlfriend, someone special in my life that me and my mom can wake up with.
Aw, honey, here's your problem.
You're setting your stakes too high.
You're looking for someone who will be better than mommy.
It's not gonna happen.
- Good luck.
- Mm.
Mom, you still playing that Korean lottery? Oh, yes.
I'm in it to win it.
Why? You always lose.
This year is going to be different.
I have worshiped and shown great respect to Chilsungshin, the Korean God of luck.
And his power is going to manifest itself somewhere here in this bar.
I can feel it.
Which reminds me it's ritual time.
And now I remember why my friends never came over.
How dare you mock the all-powerful Chilsungshin.
I can't believe how superstitious you are.
How can someone as practical as you believe you can control something like luck? All I know is the one time I disrespected them, the next morning, I woke up pregnant with Susan.
And Keselowski wins! He's back on top! Congratulations on the win, Brad.
What turned things around for you? I don't even know.
Just, uh, a great effort today, uh, everyone on the team, fast car, great pit stops.
I did stop by my favorite bar in Pittsburgh.
I-I pulled up a stool, had a beer.
Uh, hey, I guess that was lucky for me.
Here's to you, Sullivan & Son.
Thank you.
Just got a shout-out on national TV! It's the stool.
Keselowski sat right here.
Chilsungshin's power has manifested itself in this stool.
He has blessed me and this bar with luck.
Mommy needs a hit.
All right! Now it's time to pick the winning lottery numbers.
Steve's birthday 26.
Susan, what's your birthday again? The 11th.
Okay, 10 and 12.
Whoa! Check out that girl, Owen.
No.
I'm done getting shot down.
Why don't you sit on the stool? Maybe it'll give you some luck.
I guess I could do that.
You know what? I'm gonna give it a try.
Cool.
I'll watch your beer.
Ahh! That stool's already lucky for me.
Oh, yeah, I'm feelin' it.
Hi.
Wow! That was just right.
Hi, yourself.
Little 411 on me I'm more of a Cocoa Puffs guy than Cap'n Crunch.
I think Cap'n Crunch is kind of a dick.
Like, why is he so cocky, all smug on that box? He should be an admiral by now.
I'm Nicolette.
I'm Owen.
Hey, do you want to go out? I'd love to.
Come on, lucky stool.
Big Roy needs some luck.
Check it out! I finally won! A weekend trip to Maryland! Oh, that's great.
You can take your wife.
Or my wife can take her sister, and I can spend the weekend in my shorty robe watching Turner classics.
- Hey, can I get a beer? - Sure thing.
I could really use some good luck.
It's been a rough day.
My mom's sick in the hospital.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah.
Hello? What? Oh, my God.
My mother just died.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
See? That stool wasn't so lucky for him.
Yes! She's dead! I can finally come out! I'm gay! I'm free! Good luck, long time.
You look like me.
You sit for free.
- Cool shoes.
- I know.
Yesterday, I sat on the stool, and the first emergency call I get, I save this guy's life Jimmy of Jimmy Choo.
The Jimmy choo? No, Jimmy Steinberg, his regional sales rep.
I've always loved the shoes, but I could never afford them.
Steinberg gave me these.
- Well, you look hot.
- Thanks.
- Super lucky, right? - Really? You're buying into this whole stool thing? All I know is I went to work wearing Skechers and I came home in Jimmy Choos.
Thanks to my lucky bottle cap, I'm going on a pleasure trip Driving my wife to the airport.
And that's when I learned you can't chew on batteries.
Oh, Owen, you're such a kidder.
I'm gonna get us drinks.
You stay right there.
Wow, looks like you two are hitting it off.
Yeah, I got my game back.
I'm not saying anything stupid.
I'm smooth.
That stool is a game-changer.
My blood's rushing to my heart and not just my bathing-suit place.
Oh, my little boy's becoming a man.
I-I want to go meet her, but I-I just don't want to intrude.
You're his mother.
And you're his best friend, his confidante.
You share a home together.
And that's where it ends, right? Thank you, Hank.
I'll introduce myself.
Hi.
I'm Owen's mom.
I'm Carol.
It's so nice to meet you, Mrs.
Walsh.
I just want you to know I'm not one of those overprotective moms.
I'm very well aware that my son is a grown-up, so if you ever wanted to spend the night at our house, - It's totally cool.
- Aww! Thanks, Carol.
We're just not really there yet.
Is something wrong with my son, prick tease? It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's all good.
I'm sorry.
I-I guess I'm a little more overprotective than I thought.
I'd put a clock on that skank.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Mom, you're wrong about Nicolette.
She is really nice, and I'm crazy about her.
Well, if you're crazy about her, then I am, too.
I want to let her know how much I like her.
How do I do that? Well, I always like jewelry.
Hey, why don't you give her one of my rings? This was given to me by a very special man.
It's engraved.
"Thanks, Carol.
Love, '78-'79 Steelers.
" I'm really happy for you, Owen.
I feel like I'm moving into girlfriend territory.
But just to be sure, I need a quick recharge.
Ahh! Luck, get in my butt.
Hi.
I'm Bob fortune.
Close enough? You don't believe in all this luck crap do you, Dad? Hell no.
But I'd never let your mother know that.
On a full moon, she'll do some of those rituals naked.
She'll sneak up behind me with a candle Stop.
It's not what you're thinking.
She'll take the blunt end and wrap it up in duct tape and Stop! Seriously! Don't touch that stool! I'm just cleaning it, mom.
No.
You're messing up the juju.
Don't even look at it.
"Don't even look at it.
Don't touch it.
" Ooh! What's gonna happen? Nothing.
I mean, what happens if I pick it up and throw it in the air? Nothing! What happens if I throw it in the air and close my eyes? Aah! It breaks.
It's a big day for me, Steve.
Me and Nicolette are on our third date.
I haven't had one of those since never.
Well, that's great, Owen.
Dad, you think Mom's gonna notice it's not the same stool? It's gonna be fine, kid.
And if it isn't, your father's got your back.
Today, I win the lottery.
Chilsungshin, do your stuff.
- It worked.
- Wait.
Something's not right.
I'm not feeling the butt tingle.
You sure? It looks like it's tingling to me.
That is not the lucky stool! Well, sure it is.
Right, dad? Dad.
What did you do to my lucky stool? Nothing.
What happened to this? What are you doing with my random wood collection? No! Wait.
This was the lucky stool? Steve messed up? I am now the golden child! - Susan.
- Yes, mom? What did you do to make Steve break the stool? I did it.
It it was an accident.
A likely story.
Chilsungshin will have his vengeance.
You will see.
You have cost me the lottery and and screwed everyone here.
This stool is a fake! This bar is doomed.
Get your affairs together.
Oh, wait a minute! Don't listen to her.
We're all fine.
Everything's good.
No, we're not fine.
My sister-in-law's sick.
Now I got to go on that trip with my wife.
And so it begins, luck killer.
Melanie, what happened to you? Ugh! I put on my new shoes to take out the garbage.
Who doesn't do that? And I tripped and twisted my ankle.
That's because Steve broke the stool.
Seriously? You guys are blaming me, th-that breaking the stool caused a cosmic disturbance that destroyed everybody's good luck? - Yes! - Give me a break, all right? A couple of things happen to a couple of people.
It doesn't prove anything.
What doesn't prove anything? Steve broke the stool.
- So? What's big deal? - The lucky stool! Oh, God! What am I gonna do? I had this great plan where I was gonna surprise Nicolette by putting the ring in a glass of champagne.
Without the lucky stool, I'm done.
I'm back to no game.
Hey, babe.
Hey, sweetie.
Take a seat over there, bro.
I-I mean, girl, thing, person.
Over there.
I'm losing it.
Owen, listen to me, all right? Nicolette doesn't like you because you sat on some stool.
She likes you for you.
Now, you're the same guy you've always been.
Nicolette's gonna love that ring.
Okay.
I'll give it a try.
Yeah, buddy.
Hi, there.
Hi back.
So, did you have a good day? I-I did.
I ate.
I lost the remote.
I found the remote.
I farted just now.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh.
- Are you okay? - I was until you came in.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
I-I-I got I got I got you a gift.
But now I don't have a gift.
So, now you don't want to give it to me.
I-I do, but I can't.
It's it's it's all me.
It's not you.
Oh, I know where this is going.
I'll save you the trouble.
- Where are you going? - You just broke up with me.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah.
I did? I didn't mean to.
It's Steve's fault.
He broke the lucky stool.
And now you're just freaking me out.
Nicolette, wait.
Great.
What am I gonna do now? You ever been to Maryland? my baby's gone and she's never coming back I wanted to give her a ring but I swallowed that bling I got the broken-stool blues I haven't seen Owen this bummed out since the "Blue's Clues" guy went into rehab.
she's never coming back she's never coming back since that stool went crack Owen, I know you're upset, but but I got some good news.
I called Nicolette.
She's on her way over here.
Why would you do that, Steve? Without the power of the stool, she's never coming back.
Look, I can't replace that stool, but, uh But I got something better.
Put your money away.
I don't take requests.
Owen, this is not just any coin.
Now, look, this is the most powerful Korean talisman our family possesses.
It must be.
It was made in Taiwan.
And do you know what Taiwan means in Korean? "Magic.
" Awesome.
But how do we know if it works? Hey, what's that? - Wow! A dollar! - What?! It works! Hey, where are you going? To the 99-cent store to get Nicolette a present - A pouf sponge for the shower.
- Are you sure, buddy? It didn't work out so well the last time you got her a gift.
Steve, even I can't swallow a pouf sponge.
Owen, hey, you don't have time.
She's on her way right now.
It's all gonna be fine.
As long as I got my lucky coin.
Right.
As long as you got your lucky coin.
Thanks, buddy.
You're the greatest.
No! Oh, the lucky coin! We got to get that back before Nicolette gets here.
Meet you in the sewer.
This place is cool.
How come we never come down here? 'Cause it's a sewer! Oh, there's something shiny! Damn, it's just a gum wrapper.
You must really like this girl.
Whoever built this place is a genius.
If you stand here, you can see up ladies' skirts.
Hello, Minnie Mouse panties.
Owen? Shit! Nicolette? - What are you doing in there? - Uh Hey, Steve said you wanted to talk to me, but he didn't mention that you were in a sewer.
I can't do this.
Sure you can.
Just just say something.
What? Words.
Okay.
Nicolette, I'm going to say a few words.
The guy you've been hanging out with for the last couple days, he's been full of confidence and luck.
He would know what to say right now.
But that's not the real me.
This is the real me, a guy who wanted a girlfriend but instead ended up in a sewer.
Sometimes, I say stupid stuff.
I don't have a job.
I live with my mom.
And brace yourself.
I'm horribly lactose intolerant.
But you're honest.
Can't say that about too many guys.
I like it.
Really? Thanks, Steve.
It turns out I didn't even need a lucky coin.
True.
But, uh, looks like I need a lucky tetanus shot.
Owen, this ring is so beautiful.
I'm so glad it was finally off back order.
Tell me about it.
Look how happy he is.
Thank you, Steve.
You're such a good friend.
You know, you would think that a boy who breast-fed until he was 10 years old would have more confidence with women.
Steve, you're not gonna believe this, but that weekend trip to Maryland with my wife turned out great.
I took her to a seafood buffet.
She ate herself into a crab coma.
Passed right out, didn't try to touch me once.
It was like a second honeymoon.
Well, you see, guys? Roy's weekend was fine, Owen's got a girlfriend, and, uh, we all know Melanie's a dork in heels.
Hey! Just admit it, Mom.
There's no lucky stool.
There was no lucky stool.
Finally.
But then I started to follow Keselowski's trail.
He had a beer.
And what do we all know about beer, besides the fact that when you water it down, your customers don't notice? It goes in, comes out.
So I realized that Chilsungshin's luck is manifested in this.
A urinal cake? This guy isn't too choosy about where he manifests.
Congratulations.
You won the lottery.
Didn't I tell you?! It worked! Oh, thank you, Chilsungshin! I give up.
She's crazy, right? Hey, Ok Cha, can I see that urinal cake? I get it after him.
- Then me.
- You want to get lucky? Oh.
Screw it.
I'm in for $40.