SuperMansion (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

Good morning! - It's two o'clock.
- Thanks! What's up, Ted? - My name's Derek.
- If you say so! One hot dog, please! This is a newspaper stand.
Are you lost? Can't remember what I went out for, so there's no way to tell.
Wait a minute [sniffing.]
I smell leprechauns.
- You trying to be funny? - Funny?! This could be the invasion I've been warning people about.
That's it! I'm calling the police! Police?! Call the goddamn army! Let go of me, you psycho! Leprechauns don't exist.
Leprechaun: Hear that, fellas? It sounds like we don't exist after all.
Then I suppose you won't be minding if we take your world as ours! [screams.]
[theme music.]
3x05 - Brokeback Saturn Black Saturn: Rex! Rex! - Reeeex! - Christ, Saturn, what now? Oh, I don't know.
You tell me.
[grunting.]
Oh, for the love of [slurping.]
Saturn, are you okay? - Don't worry.
Rex got it.
- Wha You called Robobot, too? When Bugula almost broke my back, you all said you'd be there for me.
I don't wanna leave anybody out.
Oh, that reminds me.
Ranger, it's cool.
Rex got it.
I'm sorry.
Were you calling for me? Through that cup, you sounded like one of Charlie Brown's teachers.
- Nice reference.
- Thank you.
I've been bing-ing "Peanuts" cartoons on the Ruko box.
Am am I saying that right? - Which part? - Any of it! [slurping.]
And I'm out.
Bunsen, let's move! - At once, sir! - You've got your butler?! How many helping hands do you need? All of 'em, Rex.
It takes a village.
Toot-toot! All aboard the Sponge Bath Express! We should get Lex in on this spongy beat.
Nothing she hasn't seen before.
- Oh, God.
This is bad.
This is bad! - Hey! Where's my Arby's? I couldn't get there 'cause of all the leprechauns.
Cooch, if you don't wanna get Saturn's food, just say so.
We all get it.
Believe me.
No! The city is crawling with leprechauns! This is the big one.
Dozens of reports coming in from all over Storm City of tiny green-clad Irishmen running rampant through the streets.
What the hell is going on? And while this is odd to say as a grown adult man, the number of, um, leprechaun sightings in Storm City has us concerned.
All citizens are asked to stay inside until further notice.
You're telling me leprechauns are real? No, I'm not a dumb human child, but there's no denying people are seeing something.
9-1-1 lines are flooded with sightings.
Well, leprechauns or not, it doesn't seem like they're hurting anybody.
Dr.
Devizo and the West Side's newest heroes are meeting the leprechaun crisis head-on.
It doesn't matter what I believe.
If the citizens of Storm City are in danger, the League of Freedom West is here to help.
Reporter: No word from Titanium Rex on whether his version of the league plans to help as well.
But if Dr.
Devizo keeps up this level of service, we all may be asking, "Rex who?" "His version of the league?" Robobot.
Yeah, yeah.
Gather the team.
Got it.
You know what you are, what you're made of.
[music.]
Leprechaun hunting is in your blood.
Don't fight it.
Live for nothing or die for something.
- Your call! - Lex: Hey, Cooch.
- Everything okay? - No! It's pretty [bleep.]
far from okay! Don't love where all that's going.
Cooch! We're moving out! Looks like we're going in to the suck together.
I'm ready.
Are you? Careful.
[laughs nervously.]
Cooch is being a little, um, intense.
You ever seen a leprechaun up close? No! No one has because they're not real.
That's what they want you to think.
You know what? I stormed the beaches of Normandy.
I'm not having this conversation.
American Ranger! Just the man I wanted to see.
- I need to have a discussion about Portia! - The woman I fell in love with who's been shacking up with you for the last month? After leprechauns, my favorite subject! Now, I know we've been rivals in the past, but Portia might be more than I can handle.
And I think I need to tag you in here.
Sex is a sacred act between one man and one woman.
On that point, American Ranger does not waver! I think.
Maybe we exchange numbers.
That's not what I'm talking about! She's taking the loss of the show pretty hard.
Been drinking a lot, the odd paranormal disturbance, and this is hard to say, but she's been violent.
[laughing.]
That's rich! Leave now, and if you're lucky, we'll forget you ever came to us with this! Ranger, please! I need help! You've come to me because only a real man can handle a woman like Portia.
It's pathetic, but I respect your honesty.
Lead the way, Agony! You're about to receive a master class in manhood.
You ever seen a leprechaun up clo? - Nope! No, thank you.
- Let's head out, team.
Black Saturn: Wait! I'm coming with you.
Don't be stupid.
You're in no shape to fight.
Yes, Bugula got in a few lucky shots.
- He kicked your ass.
- That's not how I remember it.
Of course you don't.
For a good chunk of time, your brain was actually visible.
It wasn't that bad! - You were in a coma! - Medically induced! - Saturn, you're staying here! - You're right.
I am but Black Saturn isn't.
What the hell does that mean? [machinery whirring, heavy footsteps.]
[heroic music.]
Courtney: Is anyone else rock-hard right now? - Yep! - Courtney?! - Huh? - Two Black Saturns? My crippling spinal trauma means Storm City can't have the Black Saturn, but I can still give it a Black Saturn.
You mean, I can.
Want to make it clear that I built the costume.
- Why? - You asked me to find a way to foolproof Saturn.
Well, see if you can keep up.
Cowl mounted, laser-guided targeting system.
Mini-ring launcher.
Reinforced exoskeleton.
Any idiot can wear this and be an effective superhero, even Courtney.
Hey, take it easy.
I feel really vulnerable in this.
Psych! Say whatever you want! I'm untouchable! - What do you say, Rex? - Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
Oh! That that was easier than I thought.
You're making the right choice.
In that thing, Courtney is more Black Saturn than Black Saturn.
[laughs.]
I wouldn't exactly say that.
So much raw power.
It's kinda sexy! Oh, what?! Oh! Hey, actually, I I'm feeling better! Why don't you pop out of the suit, Courtney? No, no.
You rest up, Saturn.
Black Saturn: No, wait! Bunsen, give me a push.
- I wouldn't recommend - Just do it! Oh.
[Bunsen grunts.]
[screaming.]
Oh, dear God! Hoo-hoo! The pain! [grunting.]
Aah! [crying.]
[heroic music.]
See? Good as new.
[bones cracking.]
[screaming.]
[crying.]
No! I will not pass ou [groans.]
- Shall we? - Yeah, let's get a move on.
[door creaking.]
[snoring.]
[shushing.]
She's passed out again.
Then I guess it's time for her to wake up and smell the roses! - Portia, darling, it's me.
- Ranger? Yes, my queen.
You aren't dreaming.
It really is Get the [bleep.]
outta here, you mother [bleep.]
asshole! Abort! Abort! Portia, I've really missed you.
How are you feeling? Oh, the thawed-out caveman wants to solve my problems? Well, picture this, Encino Man.
You got a hit talk show, adoring fans, and more money than God.
Then you go to Flush Fest to help a friend win a gift competition, so he can divorce his wife.
It gets filmed, you go viral, and you lose everything.
[sobbing.]
I'm sorry, Portia.
I didn't [roars.]
Aah! She's biting me! [screaming.]
[sniffing.]
[music.]
Hold up! [sniffing.]
- Hey! Hold up! - We're on the clock, Cooch.
This is no time for make-believe.
Make-believe? I got something.
Couple of 'chauns came this way.
Big ones.
One of them sons of bitches was dancing a jig.
How do you know that? Because one of them's always dancing a jig! One of them's always dancing a jig.
Okay, I'm scanning the surroundings for heat signatures.
You've actually engaged your suit's microwave emitters.
Oh, well, microwave systems functional.
- Yeah, thanks for the update.
- Does anyone see a news van? The only point of being here is keeping up with Devizo's team.
Maybe not the only point, Rex.
This coin is solid gold.
[evil laughter.]
- What the hell was that? - 'Chauns.
Move! Am I the only one that kinda wants to see a leprechaun? Oh my God.
[Cooch yowls.]
Don't come any closer! Rex, these creatures are not scanning as human.
Are you telling me leprechauns are real? I would be if I could get those words to come out of my mouth.
Ha-ha! They're smaller than regular people.
Cooch, let's, maybe, take a step away from those things.
No, Rex! This has been a long time coming.
When you're pushed, killing 'chauns is as easy as breathing.
[screaming.]
[all grunting.]
Son of a bitch! Stay still, you little bastard! - Cooch! - No, stay back! I got this! [grunting.]
[snarling.]
[grunting.]
[leprechauns giggling.]
That'll do, my little pussy willow.
Now, run along.
You've got bigger problems now.
[laughing.]
Cooch: They're getting away! Cooch! We need to call an expert on leprechauns.
- I am an expert.
- A real expert.
To win a war, you must become war! Rex: Damn it, Cooch! [Cooch grunts.]
Wait, what did that leprechaun mean by "bigger problems"? It was leprechaun talk.
It could mean anything! [thudding footsteps.]
Or it could mean that.
[hissing.]
[stammering.]
Is that a? A goddamn Medusa? Yes.
Yes, it is.
This realm is now mine.
Prepare to be turned to solid stone by the eyes of Lady MacDusa! [crackling.]
No! No one look in her eyes.
No.
No, it's too big! No, it won't fit! [screaming.]
Oh, no, what are you doing, Bunsen? Your head lost a fight with the floor, sir.
I'm required to wake you every two hours.
Yeah, well, I I bet the floor got messed up pretty bad, too.
- It did indeed, sir.
- Wha What's this? We take you live where the older, less exciting League of Freedom, seems to have been drawn into battle with a Medusa-like creature.
Come on! Turn around! Look at me! No! You already told us it would turn us to stone.
Seriously.
You helped us dodge a bullet there.
Oh, shit, look.
That guy is pooping on a bird.
A reversal of the usual things.
- Not buying it.
- Seriously! I count 16 awesome things to see behind you.
Number six will blow your mind! Do something, Robobot! Her powers don't work on you I'm guessing.
Appreciate the concern, but it won't be necessary.
Courtney, you should be able to look at her now.
"Should"? What is this "should" shit?! Rex: Turn around! Look at me! [whimpering.]
- I'm okay.
- Impossible.
[both grunting.]
Oh, yeah! It is on! [both grunting.]
[music.]
I-Is he winning? [both grunting.]
Look at me! Huh? Nooo! [groaning.]
[crackling.]
[clinks.]
I think he did it! [crowd cheering.]
That was actually a lot harder than it looked, so your applause is totally appropriate and appreciated.
No! Courtney's dunking on my legacy out there! Sir, I have read your charts.
I cannot advise you to [grunting.]
[music.]
I'm doing it! Okay! [groaning.]
I'm actually doing it! [bones crack.]
[crying.]
And he's out again.
[fabric rustling.]
- That ought to do it.
- How long has she been like this? Ever since she lost the show, it's been getting worse and worse.
It started with the drinking, then the violence, then the eye glowing and the creepy whispers.
[creepy giggling.]
[rumbling.]
- What what is that? - Oh, that? Don't know.
Never really thought it was worth checking out.
Just gonna hop in the bathtub, and plug my ears in the fetal position.
[crying.]
[doorknob rattling.]
[demonic growling.]
Holy hell! [growling.]
Make some room, Agony! I'm coming in! Leprechauns, some sort of Medusa.
Something bigger than we thought is happening here.
And Cooch is out there in it by herself.
We have to go after her.
She headed towards the West Side.
If we take 10th, we might link up with her.
Sounds like a plan.
Let's head out, team.
10th, eh? The West Side? I'm afraid we can't let you do that, Rex.
I really can't say enough about this new and improved Black Saturn.
He's the hero Storm City deserves, whoever he is.
Reporter: Is it possible he's the same man just in a different costume? Ha! Oh, God no! Not even remotely possible.
This guy's no massive tool bag.
He's the kinda guy you'd like to have a beer with, take out for a round of golf.
Christmas shopping go to Macy's, you pick out scarves for your wives.
Cry-over manhood getting older.
Give him your daughter's hand in marriage.
No! That is my commissioner! That's [bleep.]
it! [crying.]
I'm not letting Oh! - this go on! [whimpering.]
- Please, sir.
[bones crack.]
[crying.]
- I thought I had it.
- Of course, sir.
Come out, 'chauns.
I just wanna talk to ya.
[music.]
Well, what do we have here? Marshmallow droppings.
Come on, Cooch.
You're tracking 'chauns.
You do what you have to do to win.
[sniffs.]
[groans.]
[sniffing.]
Oh-ho! Didn't know you liked dog shite so much.
We just stuck little marshmallows in there to fool ya! [laughing.]
[screeches.]
[squelches.]
Oh, son of a bitch! I'm not backing down, Devizo.
Don't push me, Rex.
You can't win this.
The franchise agreement is airtight.
Your team is not allowed to enter our territory without express permission.
You know I don't read this crap before I sign it.
Is that true? I don't seem to remember that at all.
Now, look.
Your territory starts south of the Arby's here, hooks around the 7th Street Arby's there, terminates on the east side of the Arby's over there on 16th.
Why is almost every Arby's in Storm City in your territory? What a happy accident.
Hey, hey! Take it easy, buddy.
I'm sure you're great, but, you know, one Black Saturn in my life is quite enough, thank you.
You don't know who I am, do you? - Should I? - It's me, Courtney! Oh! Yeah! I, uh, I-I remember you.
And I remember you, and the months of psychological abuse you put me through to get me out of the mansion.
You know, back when I wasn't a multimillion-dollar killing machine.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Good thing we're on the same side now, right? Anyway, great catching up.
Just walk away.
Just walk away.
[thudding footsteps.]
That doesn't sound great.
[heavy thud.]
[Groaner screaming.]
[screaming continues.]
- Oh, God! - One of your members just attacked us! Civil war it is, then! Then again, it is just the Groaner and Courtney.
- Maybe we'll just let them work it out.
- That works for me.
Get out of my [bleep.]
way! The guy's a psychopath! [laughing evilly.]
Who's laughing now, bitch? - You might want to see this, sir.
- Whoa! Wha Groaner? Reporter: Oh ho! Looks like the new, objectively better Black Saturn, is mopping up where his predecessor never could.
Jim: Clean up, Aisle Nemesis.
Can I have one major news moment to myself, Jim?! - Okay, dude, cool out! - You made me feel really small.
Well, I'm not small anymore.
[lasers charging.]
But your rings are small? What? I I'm sorry.
What are you trying to say? Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow! What is the purpose of these things?! Reporter: Wow.
The Groaner just doesn't s eem that intimidating when fighting a competent superhero.
- No! - Sir? [Groaner moans.]
No! [screams.]
That's it! That is my nemesis! Oh, please, don't.
[yells.]
[heroic music.]
[thru teeth.]
Bring me my costume.
Your costume is at the cleaner's, sir.
When Bugula broke you, you lost control of your bowels.
- It was a fecal holocaust, sir.
- Then I must be reborn [dramatic music.]
as Mange! [panting.]
They're gone! I lost! [twinkling music.]
Jackpot! [Groaner panting.]
This can all be over if you just say uncle! What? When did that [bleep.]
deal get tossed on the table? - Uncle, dude! Uncle! - Black Saturn: Wait! Why call uncle when Daddy just showed up? - Who are you? - The ying to your yang.
The steak fries to your seasoned curlies.
The darkness to your light.
I am Mange! You might wanna sit this one out, dude.
This guy's a maniac.
Hold your tongue, clown! The Saturn is mine! And I want to make it clear that I would rather fight the original Saturn, the better one.
But I'm willing to slum it and fight this piece of shit.
Good.
Let's do it then.
Yes, let's do it, but you're overdressed.
- Huh? - A real man fights man-to-man, without technology.
Do you have what it takes to step into the darkness with me? Uh, um Come on, come on! Gotta be something about this in here! "Do not wear clothes woven of two kinds of material"? Dear God! I'm in league with the devil! [demonic growling.]
When she does this, I just like to take a walk around - the block and let her cool down.
- She's done this before?! Wait a minute.
[sniffing.]
That stench.
Like the fetid highlands of the Isle of Ire.
Uh, excuse me, kind sirs, but we must be getting home.
The end is near.
Cooch: End of the rainbow, mother[bleep.]
s.
[leprechauns giggling.]
Leprechaun: Let's go! - Ow! - Did I hit one? - No! - Well, then give me my mallet back.
Where'd they go?! [growling.]
- Then that's where I go.
- Cooch, wait! See ya! That did not seem well thought out.
- Um - What are you looking at? Is someone over there going to tell you if you can step into the darkness with me? Do you need some time to collect and study the facts related to stepping into the darkness before making your decision? Maybe there's a stepping into darkness seminar you could go to brush up on the darkness before you step into it.
Uh Fine! [mechanical whooshing.]
[unbuckling.]
- Let's do this.
- I respect your courage.
Technology is a crutch for the weak.
Only through hand-to-hand combat may we truly see who the strongest one Ah! All right.
Let's see, there's a buckle and into a switch - Hey! - Gotcha, dumb-ass! Saturn? [machinery whirring.]
There is only one Black Saturn! [screaming.]
Stay in your lane, Ringler! Do you hear me?! - Okay.
Are we done here? - Rex! It's Portia! It's more serious than I thought.
Portia What happened? You really don't keep up with people once they - leave the team, do you? - We've gotta get her down! She'll take your finger off, Rex! And get too close to that portal, and you'll get sucked in.
- Just like Cooch.
- Cooch went in there?! Yes, chasing Irishmen.
A damned, dirty profession.
[whooshing.]
Rex: Ah, the Gods' Mother.
Yes, Zenith is my child, and she is in great danger.
Does this have something to do with the mythical creatures attacking Storm City? The creatures of the Gods' Realm are not attacking.
They are fleeing a great evil.
And if you can't stop it, your friend and your world are lost.
[theme music.]