Taxi (1978) s03e05 Episode Script

My name is Spencer.
I'm an investigator.
I'm looking for a Jim Ignatowski.
Ohh I guess that's Ignatowski.
Yeah, well, uh, it could be.
Uh do you have business with Mr.
Ignatowski? Well, like I said, I'm a private investigator.
I was hired to find him.
Oh.
Is the fuzz still here? Only on your brain.
He ain't the fuzz, Jim.
He's a private dick.
Oh, Mr.
Ignatowski.
You sure have been a hard man to find.
Well, I've been in the bathroom.
You know, it's pretty difficult tracking down a man whose last known address was a '63 Volkswagen.
And then, what really threw me off was the name change.
You used to be Jim Caldwell, right? Jim, you changed your name to Ignatowski? Yeah.
You know it was the '60s and everybody was changing their names to stuff like Sunshine, Free Moon Unit.
Well, Jim, why Ignatowski? Huh! Say it backwards.
Ikswotangi.
Uh-oh.
That's not even close to "Star Child," is it? Well, look, my job here is to deliver this to Mr.
Ignatowski.
Here you are.
Thanks.
See you around.
Okay.
What is it? What's what is it? What is it, Jim? Wow.
What is it? It's written in some strange language unknown on this planet.
Jim, Jim Who's it from? Where where do I find that? There.
It's from my father.
It's been a lot lot of years, lots of years years and years ALEX: Jim, Jim? Pardon my intrusion.
That's okay.
I didn't even hear it.
No, no.
Jim, Jim what does what does your father want? Now, where do I find that? Huh? Here.
Give me this.
Let me see that.
Hey, look at this.
He sent him two plane tickets to Boston.
First class.
Hey Wait a minute.
( chuckles ) A limousine will pick you up there.
Says he's getting along in years.
He was making out his will and he decided that he wanted to see his family again.
Wow.
Is your father wealthy, Jim? Oh, yeah, yeah.
He-he's rich.
We lived on a big ranch.
My dad taught me how to be a man.
Huh? Me and my two brothers-- little Joe and Hoss.
Jim, that's Bonanza.
Oh, yeah.
But my father's wealthy.
A very wealthy man.
In fact, he's probably a millionaire.
This is incredible.
My God, you know, you are the last person that I'd expect from this garage to have come from the upper crust.
Hey, Jim, how come you're not rich, too? Well, uh, Dad and I had a parting of the ways.
He threw me out of the house.
I see.
So, uh, you think you'll go home? I don't know.
Be interesting to see him.
You know, it's a terrible thing to forget the kind of people you come from.
Yep.
JIM: You know, once a month like clockwork, I call him on the phone and hang up just so I can hear his voice say "For the last time, who is this?" I'm going to the airport right now All right and catch me an airplane.
Aw, great, Jim.
That's a good idea.
It's the right choice.
( all talking at once ) Okay Anybody want to go with me? Huh? Huh? What do you mean? Dad sent me two tickets.
Must have thought I was married or had a friend.
One of you could come along.
No, no, no.
( all talk at once ) I can't make it.
Okay.
Now, now, now let's not fight over this.
There's only one fair way to settle it.
I'll think of a number between one and ten.
Hmm? Yeah.
ELAINE: Okay.
Sounds all right.
All right, Jim.
All right.
Uh ah I got it.
What is it? Three.
I'll take ten.
Tony? Ten? Uh, ten for me, too, Jim.
You're not gonna believe it-- but I always take ten.
Boy, what are the odds of that happening? ALEX: All right Well let's try it again, and I'll take six.
See if that works.
What's your number, Alex? ( chuckles ) Well, I guess my number is six.
Now we're getting someplace.
( mutters ) What's your number, Elaine? No, no, no, no.
Jim.
No, Jim, no Huh? I-I want to go.
Your father sent two tickets, one for a friend.
I'm the friend.
Oh, gee.
Dad's a pretty smart guy, huh? What are you guys doing here? Go home.
JIM: Hey, boss I'm not going to be driving for a couple of days.
I'm going home to Boston to see my dad.
Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory.
Jim, come on.
Let's get out of here.
( doorbell rings ) Dad.
I think he's a butler.
I don't care what he does for a living.
He's my father.
No, Jim.
He's your father's butler.
Huh? Hi.
Um, I'm Alex Rieger.
This is Mr.
Caldwell's son.
I'll tell your father you're here.
May I take your luggage? Oh, thank you.
Well Dad.
You look even younger than you used to.
I'm your brother, Tom, Jim.
Oh.
Of course, Tom-Jim.
This is my brother, Tom-Jim.
Tom.
And you're.
.
? Uh, extremely uncomfortable.
I'm-I'm Alex Rieger.
Hi.
Tom Caldwell, the son that lived.
Jim? Lila? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy! It's my sister, Lila.
( squeals ) Lila, I'd like you to meet my brother, Tom-Jim.
LILA: Hi.
And my friend, Alex Rieger.
Oh, hi.
Oh Want a bite? Pardon me? Oh, no, thank you.
Thank you very much.
( chuckles ) Lila is a tad shy at first, but she'll warm up to you.
Nice family, Jim.
Uh thanks.
Promise me you won't leave me alone with them.
( grunts ) Thanks.
Wow.
Boy, it's all coming back to me, Alex in bits and pieces.
Hey, Jim, is that your mother? Yeah.
( chuckles ) I don't remember her much.
She passed away when I was a kid.
But she never took off those white gloves.
After she died, I was raised by a nanny.
Oh, really? Yeah.
A fat, sweet-tempered black lady.
She used to laugh at me all the time and scold me.
For some reason, she used to call me Miss Scarlett.
Jim, that's Gone With the Wind.
Yeah no use looking back on it now.
MAN: Is my son in there? This could be my dad or your dad.
Son.
No.
Dad? James it's good to see you.
You're bald.
Yes, I am.
You haven't got hardly a hair on your head.
( laughing ) No, I haven't.
You see this, Alex? James, it's been a very long time.
Yes, it has, Dad.
Where did all your hair go? Uh, Mr.
Caldwell, I'm Alex Rieger.
Hi.
I'm a friend of Jim's.
( chuckles ) Listen, I guess you guys have a lot to talk about, and I'll just wait right outside.
Don't go.
Uh please, stay, uh Why don't you both sit down? Thank you.
( sighing ) Well, James, we have a lot to talk about.
A lot's happened, and I want to know everything-- where you've been, what you've done.
I want to put all the unpleasantness behind us.
Thought about a toup? ( mutters ): Jim You know, some people think that baldness makes a man look distinguished.
Thank you, Mr.
Rieger.
Well, what about the fat part? I'm the same size as when you left here.
Oh, yes! Now I remember.
Everybody here was fat.
James, don't we have other things to talk about? It's good to see you, Dad.
I missed you.
All you had to do was call.
Dad, I did.
Once a month, no matter where I was, for the last ten years, I called just to hear your voice.
Is that the number you've had for the whole time? My God, I-I've been estranged from the wrong family.
I don't know how to talk to him.
Is he, uh? ( speaking gibberish ) Um Mr.
Ignatowski Uh No, no.
I mean, Mr.
Caldwell, I I can assure you that in the year and a half that I've known Jim, he's grown incredibly.
Oh, my God.
Uh, I'll have Carl show you to your rooms.
Oh, thank you.
You have the same room, James.
Even your toys are still there with the exception of the airplane glue.
You finished all of that.
By the way, we usually dress for dinner.
Well, I certainly Fine, fine.
Fine, thank you.
Alex, I love him.
It's amazing.
I haven't seen him for so long.
He's changed physically.
And we never were very close.
And I've been talking to a different voice.
But there's something about being here that has stirred me.
It's in the genes.
It's in those chubby little genes.
Yeah, well, that's-that's fine, Jim, that's fine.
I mean, I mean, that's why you came here, right? ( sighs ) I don't love my brother, Alex.
That's all right, Jim.
I don't know why.
He's almost as fat as my dad.
My sister I love a little.
( chuckles ) And I like the butler, and you've been terrific.
Okay.
Can we go home now? No, no, no, Jim.
Not yet.
Not yet.
You mean, there's more? Mm-hmm.
What else are we having tonight, Carl? Everything but string beans, sir.
Uh, Mr.
Rieger, if you like string beans we can No, no, sir.
Thank you very much.
I have enough to pick from right here.
You just reach out and grab anything you like.
Lila, don't be cheap in front of the company.
Sorry, Daddy.
Well, Jim, we have a lot to talk about.
I guess so.
You like potatoes au gratin or cottage fries? Uh I don't like potatoes.
Still the rebel without a cause, huh? James, why don't you tell us about your life since you dropped out of Harvard? Jim, you went to Harvard? Uh yep.
He was there for a year.
Got excellent grades one semester.
The next semester, he wrote all his term papers in finger paint.
A typewriter seemed so impersonal.
James, I would seriously like to know what the past ten years of your life have consisted of.
Uh Huh? No, I've only known you for the last year and a half.
Would that be? No.
No.
W-What have you been doing with yourself? Drifting? Living on handouts? Getting stoned? Well, don't make it sound so terrible.
How do you make that sound good? Well, drifting ( chuckling ) You know, living on handouts.
And getting stoned.
It's disgusting.
To throw away the opportunities you had-- the education, the breeding.
You know, and you you don't really feel ashamed, do you? No.
Do you feel remorse? No.
What do you feel? Full.
Uh-huh.
I'd hoped the years had changed you, James, but fact of the matter is you don't give a damn, do you? You never have, and I don't think you ever will.
Well, sir, your presence in this house is no longer appreciated.
Well, Jim, uh excuse me.
I-I think I'd better have a word with your father.
( shudders ) Look, Mr.
Caldwell, I-I don't want to interfere in your family's affairs, but I feel Mr.
Rieger you may not believe this, but James was always my favorite.
I can believe that.
I'd give anything if even one of my children had turned out to be someone I could respect.
James was always special.
You should have seen him as a child.
I do.
Mr.
Caldwell, the only damage that Jim's ever done to anybody has been to himself.
He's done his share of that.
My problem is that the tax laws force me to give out the bulk of my money now.
Would you give a million dollars to your Mr.
Ignatowski? Look, Mr.
Caldwell, I don't think that money is an issue here for Jim.
I mean, I think he came here because he had a real desire to be with his family again.
I don't think the money is important to him.
You really believe that? Yes, I do.
Mm-hmm.
James, get in here.
We'll soon see which one of us is right.
Hello again.
James, I'm giving away most of my money.
I haven't decided what the distribution is going to be among my children, but I have come to one decision.
You're not getting anything.
Okeydoke.
I don't believe it.
Jim, your father thinks you came here to get his money.
Dad thinks that? ( mutters ) Boy, now I'm burned! It may take a lot to get me mad, but this did it.
Don't stop me, Alex! I'm going to say what's on my mind.
What was that last thing you said? Your father thinks you came here to get his money.
Dad thinks that?! Oh! Hopeless.
Now, you look here.
The reason I came here was to see you-- to see my dad, to see my family-- and show you all that I'm back on my feet again.
And show you that I'm okay, and you don't have to worry about me anymore.
Dad I came here because I wanted to find out who I am, who you are, who we all are.
I mean, I wonder about these things, Dad.
Like, I wonder about if you call an orange an orange why don't you call a banana a yellow? Or an apple a red? Well, you see, the point is, Mr.
Caldwell Now, blueberries make sense, but somebody explain gooseberries to me.
James you really don't care about my money? Nah, I don't care.
Give it all away to what's his name-- the big guy with the curly hair.
Your brother.
Or him.
Oh.
You are not without charm, my son.
Thanks.
All right.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'm willing to try, if you are.
If you want to be my son and feel what it's like to be a rich man, then come home, enroll in school.
I'll see that you get the best education and the best shave that money can buy.
All you have to do is take some responsibility for yourself and lead a decent, normal life.
Good-bye, Dad.
( door shuts ) He's not coming back, is he? No, sir, I don't think so.
Well, uh, listen thanks for everything, Mr.
Caldwell.
JIM ( yells ): Alex! ( yelling ): What? What are you doing? I'm saying good-bye to your father.
Oh.
Tell him it was really great seeing him again! Uh, I think he wanted me "It was really great seeing" You heard And get his right phone number! Excuse me.
Uh Got it! ( Jim yelling faintly ) ( indistinct yelling continues ) ( yelling ): Jim! JIM ( faintly ): Yo! It was really good seeing you again.
Really son.
( yelling ): It was really great seeing you again, too, Dad! ( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )