Ted Lasso (2020) s03e05 Episode Script

1
- [FOOTBALL STADIUM CROWD CLAMORING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWING]
[ARLO] And with this loss,
Richmond's dreary
winless streak continues.
Another two goals for
Zava are not enough
as Newcastle dismantle
the Greyhounds 4-2.
The talent is clearly
on the field, Chris.
[CHRIS] It sure is, Arlo.
The problem with this team
might be in the dugout.
Damn it!
- Fuck.
- [SIGHS]
Chris, since their loss to Nathan
Shelley and West Ham last month,
it seems the Greyhounds have
been dropping like a stone.
Well, all objects drop at the
same rate, Arlo. Except feathers.
Well said, Chris. When Zava
arrived, it was sunny days.
But now, if you're a Richmond fan,
you've got to feel like
nothing is going your way.
Boo! Boo!
[ARLO] Things go from bad to worse
as Richmond welcome
Manchester City mid-week.
They are not in form to
finally crack the code
against their sky-blue tormentors
as they fall to ninth place.
I knew positive thinking was bullshit!
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
- Oh. Wow, that's not very nice.
- What?
[SCOFFS] "Even with Zava, Richmond
eat more arse than your mum."
Buddy, you gotta get off Twitter.
This is a text from my father.
Oh, boy. I just don't get it.
You know?
The effort was there, as always.
We just can't get over that hump.
I don't know what the heck
the problem is. Do you guys?
- Our defense is in shambles.
- Our offense is stale.
And if the boys are
gonna fucking stand around
watching fucking Zava all fucking match,
we should make them buy fucking tickets.
Okay, so some constructive criticism.
- I appreciate that.
- Mmm.
Hey, Boss. What's going on?
I just have one quick question for you.
Are we ever gonna win
another fucking match?
Um
Well, I hear the concern in
your voice and its volume.
And it's funny 'cause we were
just brainstorming in here,
coming up with some real strong solves.
You know what we're gonna do?
Pretend this club was a ship.
We're gonna take that ship,
we're gonna turn around.
Go against the tide,
point that baby right at the North
Star and follow it all the way home.
That's north, Ted.
- This way is. Okay.
- I'm pretty sure it's that way.
- That's what I meant. That way.
- No, it's right fucking that way.
- You know, I'm discombobulated.
- No! You're all wrong! It's that way!
Shoot.
I think.
Hmm.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [REBECCA] Mmm.
- Can I take this for you?
You can. Thank you very much.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Sorry [STAMMERS]
do you think you
can take this as well?
[CUSTOMER] Rebecca.
[CHUCKLES] John Wingsnight.
What a lovely surprise.
- Hello.
- Oh, uh, this is Jessica Darling.
Jessica, darling, Rebecca Welton.
- It's so lovely to meet you. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, hi. Likewise. Hello, there.
Uh, we actually went out on a few dates.
And then Rebecca dumped
me out of nowhere.
In this exact coffee shop. [CHUCKLES]
Not that I come here all the
time, hoping to run into you.
- 'Cause I don't.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
Well, may I say, Rebecca, thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
We're engaged.
Ring-a-ding-ding. Wedding
calling. [LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES] Engaged.
Congratulations. That's Wow.
How did [STAMMERS] it happen?
Oh, we matched on the
apps, uh, six months ago.
[STAMMERS] Not Bantr. Couldn't use that.
It felt a bit weird since, uh
- Yeah.
- And in a sea of anythings,
I went fishing and
caught myself a soul mate.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
Took her to see Hamilton
on our first date.
- Amazing.
- And then defended my honor.
Oh, God. Yeah. Get
this. It's intermission.
We're standing in line to
buy the CD of the soundtrack,
'cause I refuse to stream music.
And guess who's standing in front of us.
- Sir Anthony Hopkins.
- [SQUEALS] Can you imagine? [CHUCKLES]
- Nope.
- Jessica politely taps him on the shoulder
and asks if he'll film a little video
for Jessica's father as Hannibal Lecter,
you know.
- [CHUCKLES] And he said no.
- Yeah.
So I grabbed that
rapscallion by the collar,
and I said, "Hey, we didn't
ask you to be famous."
And took a quick ussie
of the three of us
and emailed it to
her her dad's nurse.
Made his day.
My shite in nining armor.
What? [CHUCKLES] I just
What did you say?
- You jumbled your words there a bit.
- [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]
What did you You just
said, "shite in nining armor"?
Yeah. I I meant to say
"knight in shining armor."
I just [STAMMERS] One
of me brain farts. [LAUGHS]
Quite rare for her.
She's actually very smart.
Went to Oxford for a bit.
Wait, n-no, you said,
"shite in nining armor."
You actually said those specific words.
I did. [BLOWS RASPBERRY, LAUGHS]
Anyway, uh, we should go.
Lovely to see you, Rebecca.
You okay? Have you eaten?
I completely understand
where Barbara's coming from,
but as I was explaining to you,
I'm worried that by adding more clients,
that could mean less attention paid
to the wonderful people
we already represent.
[INHALES SHARPLY] And then I
[CHUCKLES] I reminded Keeley,
as you've said so many times, Jack,
that, um, if it does get to the point
where we feel we're
spreading ourselves thinly,
then we'll hire more people.
It's called "growth." [LAUGHS]
- Okay. Uh, let me weigh in here.
- Oh, please. [CHUCKLES]
- I agree with Keeley.
- Well, that's great.
Being a small boutique firm
is exactly what sets you apart.
You want a restaurant to look
successful, you take out half the tables
and you have a line
out the door. [CHUCKLES]
I say let's go for it.
- Hmm.
- No, that's wonderful. Yeah.
And instead of salaries, we can
give away the tables we threw out.
- Don't worry, Barbara. It'll be great.
- Oh, yeah. Yes. Definitely.
[SIGHS]
You ever think sunshine
gets jealous of her?
- [CHUCKLES]
- [KNOCKING]
- Knock, knock.
- Hi, babe.
Now that your little, uh,
cool girls meeting's done,
just wanted to share the exciting
news that I've started an app.
Oh.
It's like Bantr, but
it's better and cooler
and actually cares about helping
people have sex with celebrities.
What? Shandy.
It's called "Star Fuckr."
And, yeah, we are looking for investors.
I take it she's still angry
about the whole Bantr thing?
[INHALES SHARPLY] Oh, yes. Mmm.
Shandy does not have a good
relationship with rejection, or her ex,
or with the workplace,
or most nouns, really.
"You are so passionate,
but I have to let you go.
I'm sorry, but I know
someone as brilliant as you
will land on their feet."
[STAMMERS] What did I do?
No, no, no, no. Keeley, sor sorry.
That's what you say
when you fire Shandy.
[GASPS] Oh, my God. [SPUTTERS]
- Sorry.
- [SIGHS]
It's called a compliment sandwich.
You You give someone bad
news, but to soften the blow,
you slap it between two
delicious slices of compliments.
Oh. But I can't fire Shandy.
She'll hate me.
And she really thinks she's killing it.
Oh, I am sure she does.
The worst people often think
they're the best. [CHUCKLES]
My dad calls it "talent dysmorphia."
[CHUCKLING] That's good.
[BOTH CHUCKLES]
You wanna get some lunch? My
My meeting just got pushed.
Abso-fucking-lutely!
Yeah, my stomach started grumbling
when you said "compliment sandwich."
[CHUCKLES]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- Aw, shit. Come and look at this.
- Ooh.
Man, how the fuck does Nate
bag a baddie like Anastasia?
Oh, maybe she made a bet.
- Oh. In, like, She's All That.
- Yeah.
Yes! But Nate does not have glasses
and a ponytail hiding his beauty.
Nah, fuck no.
His transformation's
gonna be on the inside.
- Yeah.
- You know, She's All That
is just the film version of
the musical My Fair Lady.
Which is based on the George
Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion.
I love pigs. They are cute
but also have the same
intelligence as a human toddler.
Yeah, but Anastasia's
just really fit, innit?
- Oh, yeah. She's very pretty.
- She's the coldest, bro.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Hey, Zava. What do
you think of Anastasia?
I don't.
My wife, Christina, is the
only woman I see with clarity.
Every other woman is a
[INHALES DEEPLY] smudge.
Wow.
My wife is sexy, but in a
girl-next-door kind of way.
Glasses, ponytail, she paints.
Like the girl in She's All That.
- Like what?
- It's a movie.
Oh [CHUCKLES] I don't
care about, uh, moving pictures.
My favorite thing to watch is my wife.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[PLAYERS CHUCKLING] Wow.
[SIGHS]
If we stay with our 4-5-1, we're fucked.
If we move to 4-4-2, we're
fucked. But if we try a 5-3-2
- We're gonna win?
- We're fucked.
- Shoot. Hmm. [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [COACH BEARD] Man City. [SCOFFS]
I can't believe our white whale
has the same name as the strip club
where I danced in college.
[TRENT GROANS]
[INHALES SHARPLY] Um
What's going on, Trent?
You got an idea for us?
Um, no, I can't. I'm, uh
I'm only here to observe.
I I couldn't, um, interfere.
I get it. [STAMMERS] You know,
you're kinda like one of them
sadistic nature documentarians
that won't put down their camera
even though they see
a poor, defenseless,
adorable, little, injured monkey
about to get attacked
by a pack of hyenas.
[IMITATING MONKEY NOISES]
[IMITATING MONKEY NOISES]
[IMITATING MONKEY GRUNTING]
All right. Okay.
Have you ever considered an
old-school long-ball game?
- Oh, what, like route one?
- What's that?
A kick-and-rush tactic
that can be a viable option
for an overmatched team
against a superior opponent.
Okay, well, great. Let's do that then.
Nah, their center
backs are too athletic.
- They'd murder us.
- Yeah, you're fucked.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- [MESSAGE NOTIFICATION TONE]
[ROY SIGHS]
- Uh
- Everything okay, Ted?
Uh, Henry got bullied
at school this morning.
[INHALES DEEPLY] If we leave right now
and take the connecting
flight through Paris,
we can be in Kansas by noon,
and that punk's house
will be in ashes by 12:30!
No, no. Best thing you can do
with bullies is ignore them.
Then you sneak into
their house at 4:00 a.m.,
which, statistically speaking,
is the hour people are least
prepared to defend themselves.
Correct.
And once you're standing over
them, as they sleep in their bed,
you start to beat them.
With a thick, heavy
rope soaked in red paint.
Pummeling them over and
over until they wake,
confusing the paint for their own blood.
When they beg you to stop,
you laugh as loud as you can,
- for as long as you can.
- [TED GULPS]
And then you start to beat them again.
[MUG CLANKS, RATTLES]
Mmm. Yeah.
You know, I may just hold
off on anything like that
until I connect with Michelle
and just get the details,
see what actually happened.
Yeah, all right. Yeah, fair enough.
- But thank you.
- Pleasure.
- [KNOCKING]
- Hmm.
Rebecca, do you have a moment?
Of course.
[SIGHS] May I have a seat?
Leslie, this formality is
really freaking me out. Just sit.
[HIGGINS INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT] The thing is, the
club is going in the wrong direction,
and I fear that it has little to
do with the quality of our players.
Therefore, if we don't do well against
City, we may have to consider
think about thinking about possibly,
maybe focusing on theoretically,
as it were, changing
the manager of our club.
You want to fire Ted?
At what point during any of that
did it seem like
something I wanted to do?
Leslie, this is too bleak
for me at the moment.
Therefore, I am granting myself
permission to change the subject.
Do you believe in psychics?
Oh. [STAMMERS] Uh, yeah,
as a matter of fact, I do.
Why doesn't that surprise me?
I mean you're so, I don't know
[INHALES SHARPLY] whimsical.
Thank you. My Aunt Devorah
has a touch of the shine,
a little bit of the inner eye.
And she predicted that Julie and I
would have five children, all boys.
And look at us now.
Just a house full of
soaking wet toilet seats.
Uh, why do you ask?
Oh [STAMMERS] a few weeks ago,
I [STAMMERS] sort
of went and saw a psychic.
- [GASPS]
- Not sort of. I I completely saw one.
Wha Wow! What did
she say about the season?
- [STAMMERS] I didn't ask.
- Ah.
She was a bit of a quack.
But she did say a couple
of things would happen,
and now they've [SIGHS] happened.
[HIGGINS] Mmm.
That's odd, isn't it?
The universe is full of things
we can't explain, Rebecca.
Fingernails. What's that about?
And psychics, even if some
of them are charlatans,
they can help us see
something in ourselves
that we can't quite see ourselves.
Thank you, Leslie.
[HIGGINS] Mmm. Hmm.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[NATHAN] Oh, hello, Ms. Kakes.
- From Rupert?
- My friend Anastasia.
She wants you to call her.
She was surprised you didn't ask
for her number at Bones & Honey.
Well, I didn't want
to appear too forward.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Okay. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, um, hello. Uh, I'm
glad that I've caught you.
It's, uh, Nathan Shelley.
Uh, I really enjoyed
meeting you the other night,
and I was hoping that we could meet
for another drink. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Yeah, sorry, Mum. I'm just, uh,
practicing for the Yeah. How was I?
"I think we should meet for
another drink" is more direct.
Yeah. Okay, yeah. Thank you.
All right, love you. Bye-bye. Bye.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay.
Should go for another
drink. Should. [MUTTERS]
- Hey, Coach.
- [TED] Hello, Rebecca.
- Ted.
- No, I know, I know, I know.
You are still feeling bad about
yelling at me the other day, right?
I can be a little bit psychic.
[CHUCKLES] It's okay.
No, yes, I I shouldn't
have bullied you.
- Nice speaking with you, boss.
- You too, Ted.
Afternoon.
[HUMS]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Hi.
Ms. Jones. [CHUCKLES]
- Hope you enjoyed your lunch with Jack.
- Mmm.
Um, just a quick question.
Did you tell Shandy to call Emma
Jayye at 4:00 in the morning,
whilst drunk on "espresso martinis,"
to pitch her an idea
for "condoms for balls"?
- What?
- Emma Jayye designs sunglasses.
Yeah, no, of course
I didn't do that. Why?
Oh, because she just fired us.
Because of Shandy.
Because of your friend.
[INHALES SHAKILY]
Shandy.
- Yeah?
- Can I speak with you, please?
- Can you give me 30 minutes?
- No, now.
- Please can I watch?
- Barbara.
Hi. I can give you five minutes,
then I have to go downstairs and
meet with a potential assistant.
She's scared of elevators.
It's cute, right?
Can you come have a seat, please?
[SIGHING] Yeah.
Shandy.
Am I getting a raise?
You are so brilliant.
But
[SHANDY] My bold
determination? What the fuck?
[CLATTERING]
All right! Listen up,
sheep. [CLICKS TONGUE]
I was just let go because some people
can't handle working with an innovator.
So, I'm starting my own PR
firm to take this place down.
Who's coming with me?
I'll pay you double
what you're making here.
Who's coming with me?
[INHALES SHAKILY] All right.
Three months holiday
every year, company car,
massage table in the office
with a licensed masseuse.
Who's coming with me?
[STAMMERS] I'll go with you.
- Not you, Dan.
- Right.
Barbara. I know you're with me.
I couldn't be less with you.
That's because you're a
coward, and I fucking hate you.
I hate all of you! [BREATHES SHARPLY]
Oh, Keeley, please let me stay.
[SOBBING] I just love it
here so much. We're a family.
- I love you.
- You're gonna be fine, Shandy. I pro
- No, I'm not!
- [KEELEY GRUNTS]
Oh, you bunch of fascist fucks!
[SIGHS]
I fucking You fucking ten-percenters.
Yeah, that's what you are.
You know what? Fuck you all.
That's ours.
Well, fuck off then.
Dan, let's go.
Actually, I'm staying.
Suck my dick.
All right.
[BARBARA] Mmm.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Well,
I'm not gonna say it.
No, but you're gonna think it.
Yes, often. [STAMMERS] And forever.
[CHUCKLES]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, there. I'm Rebecca Welton.
I have an appointment with Dr. Wagner.
Fill this out, and
he'll be right with you.
- Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.
- Take a seat.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS]
- Rebecca. What a nice surprise.
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]
- You don't have to fill out all that junk.
- Oh.
- Come on back, my dear.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
[DOOR OPENS]
- Thank you.
- Take a seat.
- Yep. Thank you.
- Make yourself at home.
So, how are you holding up?
[STAMMERS] Given
Richmond's current slump?
You poor thing. So
stressful, it must be.
Well, it's been a bit tough, I'll admit.
But, um, we're just in
a bit of a bad stretch.
Well, it will all work out. I know it.
As long as you have
Zava, you'll be just fine.
- He's amazing, isn't he? [CHUCKLES]
- He is. Yes.
Yes, we're, uh
we're lucky to have him.
So tell me, what brings you in today?
Right. So, um, you know, I'm I'm
aware that what I'm about to ask,
given my age, uh, is a bit far-fetched.
But I was just wondering if
If you're able to have children?
Yes. That.
It's not far-fetched at all.
I treat women your age,
and older, all of the time.
- You do?
- Absolutely.
Now, that said, I can't guarantee
Oh, no, of course. I know.
But we can run some tests and
see what's possible. Sound good?
Great. Yep. Thank you.
Well, uh, sit tight, relax.
I'll have our tech, uh, take
some blood and do some imaging.
- [CHUCKLES] Wonderful to see you.
- [CHUCKLES] Likewise.
Go Richmond!
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Right, listen up.
When you're leaving, get
yourself a shower. Get some rest.
More importantly, no
video games before bedtime.
Unless it's Animal Crossing.
That shit's fucking soothing.
- [PLAYERS] Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- [SAM] Well done, guys.
You know, I think we're really
starting to turn our fortunes around.
- Well, actually, Sam [STAMMERS]
- Jan Maas, no need.
Sam, we're playing like
shit, and we all know it.
- [PLAYERS] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- [SIGHS]
Hey. Enough of that negativity.
Yeah, City are great. They just are.
But who the fuck
cares? 'Cause so are we.
So stop acting like a bunch
of little bunny rabbits.
Let's fucking do this, yeah?
[GROANS]
[PANTING]
Jamie is so right.
[WEIGHT CLANGS]
It's as if he were Zava.
Get off me, man.
You see, I am no prophet.
Prophets believe in something.
I do not just believe.
I know in my heart, in my bones,
in my well-defined
delts, traps and glutes
that there is no opponent
this team cannot conquer.
I literally just said that.
You will not win because of me.
You will win because you work together.
Because together
you can achieve anything.
Manchester City is going down!
[CHEERING]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Hey. There you are.
Hey, Ted. I'm sorry we
kept missing each other.
That's okay. I get it, you know?
How's the little guy doing?
He's okay. He's actually
at the park right now.
He is? Oh, that's great.
Yeah. Jake thought it'd be a good idea
to get outside, get some fresh air.
Yeah. [STAMMERS] No, that's,
uh that's that's smart. Yeah.
Um, what about you? How are you doing?
Oh, I've definitely been better.
I hear you. [INHALES SHARPLY]
I've been pulling my hair
out all day over this.
You know, I actually told Beard
and Roy about what happened.
Those fellas were ready to
hop on a flight to Kansas
and go full Wicked Witch of the West
on the kid that bullied him. [CHUCKLES]
No, Ted, um, Henry wasn't
bullied. He was the bully.
What?
[ARLO] AFC Richmond
versus Manchester City.
Normally, the Greyhound faithful
mark the loss on the calendar
before the match is even played.
But tonight, with Zava,
hope is in the air
that Richmond will finally prevail
in this decidedly one-sided rivalry.
It's, uh, quitting time.
I'll see you tomorrow, Dan. [CHUCKLES]
No.
I quit. [BREATHES SHAKILY]
[LAUGHS] No, no. [STAMMERS] I'm joking.
[CHUCKLES] U Unless
you want me to quit?
- No, I'd love to see you tomorrow, Dan.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- Night.
- All right. Thank you.
- Good night, Ms. Jones.
- Oh, night, Barbara.
- Barbara?
- Oh.
Ooh! [GASPS]
Do you wanna go see the Richmond
match tonight? Either of you?
Will it be as violent as last time?
- Probably not.
- Then no.
[CHUCKLES] I'll tag along.
Uh, can I borrow your
office to make some calls?
Oh, yes, of course. Yes. [CHUCKLES]
[STAMMERS] Just don't
look in my desk drawer.
- [LAUGHS] Don't.
- [CHUCKLES]
I'm definitely gonna
look in those drawers.
- Mmm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
[FANS CHEERING]
[FANS] Zava! Zava!
Zava! Zava! Zava! Zava! [CHEERS]
Peel 'em.
Slice 'em.
- Cut 'em.
- Yeah.
- Mash 'em.
- I'm not playing.
- Cheer until your voice bleeds.
- Okay.
Eat 'em.
- Outclass 'em, Sam.
- Thank you, Coach.
Oi. Where's Zava?
Hey, Coach. Check it out.
115 straight days, no pee
drops on the khakis. New record.
- Proud of you.
- [CHUCKLES]
You connect with Henry yet?
No, keep missing each other.
Why can't the world just have
one big time zone, you know?
- The sun.
- Right, the gosh-dang sun. Oy, oy, oy.
Henry's a good kid,
'cause you're his dad.
[TED] Mm-hmm.
And whatever's going on with
him, he's gonna be just fine.
Thank you, Coach. I needed to hear that.
No, you needed to hear it.
- That's what I said.
- You did?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
We got a fucking problem.
[SNIFFING]
- Oh. Is that my
- [KNOCKING]
Two questions. Um, are you
ready to leave for the match?
And do you smell that awful stench?
Yes and yes.
- [BANGING]
- [SHEEP BLEATS]
Oh, my God. What was that?
- [SHEEP BLEATS]
- [GASPS] That is fucking weird.
- [GASPS] Oh! Wow! [GROANS]
- [BLEATS]
- [KEELEY] What the fuck? [GASPS, GROANS]
- [GAGS] Where did that come from?
[KEELEY] Oh, my God. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
[BLEATS]
[SIGHS] "The lion has left. Enjoy
the lamb, bitch. XOXO, Shandy."
[LAUGHS] Jesus.
It's a gentle reminder to cancel
her security badge. [CHUCKLES]
Fuck me.
[BLEATS]
[GAGGING]
Oh, my God! That is so sour.
After you.
Oh.
Ooh.
Hello, Jade. Um
[SMACKS LIPS] Shelley.
Uh, reservation for two. Thank you.
And you, miss? How can I help you?
- Oh [STAMMERS]
- Oh, no, she, uh We, uh
This is Anastasia.
Uh, she is a very famous
model, uh, and we are on a date.
Togeth [STAMMERING]
Together. Two. For two.
Hello. [CHUCKLES]
Um, you have very cute head.
Thank you. I got it from my father.
- Right this way.
- Oh, no. Sorry, Jade, dear.
Uh, we would like the,
uh, window table, please.
- I'll have to go ask Derek.
- I already checked with Derek.
[SINGSONGY] Oh, Nathan
Jelly! The wonder kid!
[LAUGHING] Yeah. Touch it.
- Hey! [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.
And, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slap me round the face. Am I dreaming?
The one and only
Anastasia in my restaurant.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I'm a huge fan of your face and body.
Best table in the house for you two.
If you'd like to come
this way? [CHUCKLES]
Oh. [LAUGHS] Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
There you go.
- There you go.
- Thank you, Derek.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
[NATHAN] Hmm.
It's not very nice in here.
Oh. No, but
[STAMMERS] Just wait
till you try the food,
'cause the baklava is divine.
Hmm.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[HIGGINS SIGHS]
I have some bad news.
[CROWD ROARING]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Let's go, lads. Let's go! Come on!
And Richmond are ready to start the game
with Colin Hughes in place of Zava.
Hughes for Zava. Any thoughts, Chris?
Yes. That's the stupidest
thing I've ever seen.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] And we're off. But where is Zava?
Hey. Any news?
Nobody knows where he is.
That fucking prick's
not answering his phone.
Neither is his agent, his manager,
his publicist, his trainer,
his acupuncturist, his acupressurist,
his fecalist, his avocado whisperer,
not even his barber.
Hmm. Maybe he's dead.
Fucking better be.
[ARLO] Richmond have played
without Zava for ten minutes,
and we're all left wondering why.
- Goodbye, my sweet little stinky friend.
- [CHUCKLES]
[BLEATS]
If Shandy asks to borrow an
animal again, please say no.
Oh, sorry, Keeley.
She promised to get a
date with a celebrity.
I've always wanted to come
out of a restaurant and say
[STAMMERS] "No pictures, please."
Edward, gotta love someone for
what they are, not who they are.
[STAMMERS] Mmm.
- And here is a giant bag of shit.
- Oh.
[SNIFFS] Yeah. That's finally
starting to smell better, right?
Better? Uh, sure.
Now it smells like someone took a dump
directly into a pumpkin spice latte.
[LAUGHS]
Oi. [SIGHS] I could
use a drink actually.
You don't have anything, do you?
Oh, shit. No, sorry.
[GASPS] Wait. [CLEARS THROAT]
[JACK SIGHS]
Shandy's work vodka
finally comes in handy.
Nice. Where'd she hide that?
On her desk.
[BOTTLE THUDS]
- Yeah.
- You probably want a mixer and ice.
Candied oranges?
Keeley, you're adorable.
But I went to the most prestigious
boarding school in Denmark.
We chugged warm vodka for breakfast.
Wow. It takes a lot to surprise
me, and yet you just did.
- [CHUCKLES] Skål.
- Cheers.
[PHONE CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[ANASTASIA SIGHS] I cannot post this.
The little dips look
like piles of vomit.
I cannot post vomit. People will see
this, and they will want to vomit.
Okay. Um, well, the good news is,
it tastes a lot better than it looks.
And this pita is, um,
freshly made at the bakery
down the road. [CHUCKLES]
Feed it to me.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- [NATHAN CHUCKLES]
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Yeah? [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm. Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Hmm.
- Nate?
- Yeah?
Can we please leave? I
mean, the food is yummy,
but it's just so dumpy and sad.
Okay, look, I know it
might not exactly be cool,
but this place is important to me.
This is where my family celebrated
our birthdays, anniversaries.
It's where we came after I got
promoted as assistant coach at Richmond.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Every important event in our
lives has been spent here.
And, to me, that makes this place
even better than cool. [CHUCKLES]
Hmm.
Oh, what am I thinking?
We should get the saganaki!
Oh, I'm going to make a call.
My friend has the flu.
And I have to check on her.
[CHUCKLES]
No, that's No, that's
very nice. That's kind.
Do you need all that
stuff to go make a call?
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
["WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU
GO-GO" PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]
[LAUGHING]
All right.
Sorry, mate.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Still got
to charge you for the booze.
- [CROWD BOOING, JEERING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] And the final score is 4-0
as the Richmond Ahabs are still unable
to catch their great blue whale.
And without Zava, we're left wondering
if this team even belongs
in the Premier League.
Well, without Zava, this team doesn't
belong in my church league, Arlo.
It's actually a competitive league
- with some very talented clergy.
- [FAN] Boo!
You're all a bunch of fucking wankers!
McAdoo, you are shit!
Without Zava, you're shit!
Even with Zava, you're shit!
[CROWD BOOING, JEERING]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- [SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hello, Doctor.
Ah, yes. Yes, big loss today.
Mmm. I did. I I just, uh,
saw saw the announcement.
Yes, extraordinary talent.
[STAMMERS] Sorry, Doctor. I'm
I'm just in a little bit of a rush.
That would be great. Thank Thank you.
Ah. Okay.
Right. Yes. [STAMMERS]
That's That's what I thought.
Oh, it's it's definitely to
be Bet Better to be sure.
[STAMMERS] Yeah, well, thanks again.
Yes. Yes, it was nice
to see you again too.
Thank you.
[SCOFFS]
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[LINE RINGING]
[KEELEY] What? You actually
dated a birthday clown?
[SIGHS] For three wacky weeks.
- [STAMMERS, GASPS]
- [LAUGHS]
Did you ever have sex with the clown?
Like, with the nose and everything?
- Of course I did. [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHS]
It was in his car, actually.
All crammed in there with,
like, 30 of his clown friends.
- [SNORTS, LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]
God. Hearing about all your bozo exes,
making me feel much better
about my last relationship.
- Oh, the footballer, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Jamie what's-his-name?
No. [STAMMERS] Well, yeah No Um
The bad breakup?
No. It was fun. Five
stars. Would break again.
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
Hmm.
Actually, it was, uh it was
No, I'm not gonna go there.
I'm not gonna talk about it.
Because it still hurts.
And I'm tired of feeling like that.
I used to be a happy person. [CHUCKLES]
- You seem happy to me. [CHUCKLES]
- It's funny.
I mean, not like fucking a clown funny.
[LAUGHS]
We spent all evening picking up,
like, 50 kilos of lamb ka-poops.
- [CHUCKLES]
- It's the most fun I've had in months.
Oh, I have way more fun than
this, like, all the time.
- Oh, fuck off.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oi.
Thank you for all of it.
- You're welcome.
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[JACK GRUNTS]
Shit. I'm so sorry. I
should not have done that.
[KEELEY INHALES SHAKILY]
[BOTTLE CLINKS]
No, you absolutely should have.
[BOTH MOANING]
[REMOTE CLATTERS]
Baklava for two.
Oh, yeah, um
My date had to
[NATHAN SIGHS]
Yeah, I'm not gonna be able
to eat all that on my own.
Unless you you'd
care to join me. No. No.
Sure.
After all, our baklava is divine.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, I don't Um
For some reason, whenever
I'm trying to impress someone,
I end up sounding like my gran.
- [LAUGHS] Your gran?
- [NATHAN] Mm-hmm.
Um, okay, well
- [JADE CHUCKLES]
- Take a seat. [CHUCKLING]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[COACH BEARD] The
only modicum of comfort
is knowing that in all the
innumerable parallel universes,
there is not one where we win that game.
[ROY] I know what Madchester is.
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
[DISTORTED DIALOGUE]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING STOPS]
Uh, hey, fellas. It's, uh,
Henry. Do you mind if I
Do your thing.
Thanks.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
[SIGHS]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Hey, big guy.
Hi. Sorry about the match.
Oh, don't worry about that. It
happens. It's good to see you, man.
Hey, um, look, I've been
really wanting to talk to you
about what happened at school
the other day, you know?
Dad, I messed up.
And if if I'd just
followed your advice,
then none of this would've happened.
- What advice?
- "If you're angry, count to ten.
If that don't work, do it again."
Yeah.
Well, that's something my
dad used to say. [CHUCKLES]
Then Nana would tell him
that numbers were infinite
- just so she could deal with his snoring.
- [CHUCKLES]
[TED CHUCKLES]
Uh, is Doug all right?
I let him know that I was sorry
by doing an apology rap in
front of the whole class.
Huh.
Well, you know, a hip-hop song's a
great way to get across a message.
You know? [STAMMERS] Just look
at the hip-hop song "The Message."
Hey, guys. Good effort today.
Mr. Higgins, is it true about Zava?
I'm afraid so.
[CRYING]
Maybe some tissues for Dani.
- [DANI WAILS]
- Hey, hey, guys. Zava just posted a video.
Hello. How are you? I'm just
I have to share something
with you, my friends.
You are not my followers.
You are my believers.
[INHALES DEEPLY] And so
it I have to tell you.
Zava has played his last match.
I will now dedicate all of
my time and all of my energy
to my family and my avocado farm.
If you put your energy into
the things you truly love,
the universe puts its thing
back into you. You're welcome.
[PLAYERS MURMURING]
[HENRY CHUCKLES]
Um, hey, buddy.
I gotta go talk to the
team here real quick.
But then I'm gonna grab
my stuff and scurry home.
And how about we hop online, play a
little Roblox? How does that sound?
You're on. Love you, Dad.
I love you too, buddy. I'm proud of you.
[VIDEO CALL ENDS]
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
He's okay. He's okay.
He's okay. He's okay.
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING STOPS]
[SIGHS]
Hmm.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[TED] Gentlemen, hey.
That was a tough one tonight. Okay?
Man City has still got our
number. That That's all right.
We're gonna get another crack at
'em later in the season. Uh-huh.
Coach, no practice tomorrow, yeah?
- That's right.
- Okay. Well, I'll see y'all on Monday.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [STAMMERS] Hey, hey. Hey, Coach.
What about Zava?
[STAMMERS] Um
He quit the team.
[STAMMERS] I mean, technically
he retired from the whole sport,
which makes it feel a
little less personal, yeah?
[STAMMERS] You know, like if, uh,
your girlfriend runs off with some dude
and it turns out they were soul mates.
Oh. Yeah.
Gina fucking Gershon.
- [PLAYER] Right.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
Uh, but look, look, look, look.
I hear you, okay? Zava is gone.
And you know what? I
think it's a good thing.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING] What? How?
- [TED] Well, I do. Okay, look.
Do I wanna win? Heck yeah.
But I also wanna do it with
folks that wanna be here.
[PLAYERS GRUMBLING]
It's not like we could handcuff him
to his locker and make him love us.
- We could have tried.
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLE]
Hey, guys. Guys, look. We
got a good thing going here.
- All right?
- Mm-hmm.
We didn't need Zava. Yeah?
Yeah.
All we need to win are the
fellas in this room right now.
And all you fellas need
to do is believe it.
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING] Whoa!
- It's a sign.
That's it. We're doomed.
We're done. We're done. We're
finished. We're finished.
Now Now, hold on.
Hey, knock it off, okay? We're
not doomed. No one is doomed.
But, Bumbercatch, yes, you're
right. It is a sign. I agree. Yeah.
In fact this, it's just a sign.
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
All right, guys, listen to me.
Belief doesn't just happen 'cause
you hang something up on a wall.
All right? It comes from in here.
You know? And up here. Down here.
Only problem is, we all got so
much junk floating through us,
a lot of time we end up
getting in our own way.
You know, crap like envy or fear, shame.
I don't wanna mess around
with that shit anymore.
You know what I mean? Do you?
- [PLAYERS] No.
- No, Coach.
- [TED] No.
- No.
- Do you?
- [PLAYERS] No.
No, me neither. Hell no.
Well, you know what I
wanna mess around with?
The belief that I matter, you know?
Regardless of what I
do or don't achieve.
Or the belief that we
all deserve to be loved,
whether we've been hurt or
maybe we've hurt somebody else.
Or what about the belief of hope?
Yeah? That's what I wanna mess with.
Believing that things can get better.
That I can get better.
That we will get better.
Oh, man. To believe in yourself.
To believe in one another.
Man, that's that's
fundamental to being alive.
And look. Yo, hey. If you can do that,
if each of you can truly do that
can't nobody rip that apart.
- See y'all Monday?
- [PLAYERS] Yes, Coach.
Thank you.
- Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?
- Damn fucking right.
[SIGHS]