The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s03e05 Episode Script

Hey, ho! Mike: Congratulations, Colin.
You've once again proved you're a psychopath.
But let's get one thing clear: when you get yours, and you will, it'll be at my hands.
So, they're flat mates.
- Guests.
- Just for a while.
- Until I get back on my feet.
- And my feet, too.
(Crashing) - Everyone okay? - Please, I can't even pay my own rent.
I was a Johnson brother.
I liked that.
Not anymore.
There's one thing you need to know about my tenant.
She's my mother.
I love parties and you're good at games! We will have great fun being under the same roof.
(Voices laughing in background) - G'day.
- Aren't you even going to say hello? Michael? Hello, Dad.
Hey! I'm sick and tired of the both of you! - Just grow up! - You grow up, you wanker! (Grunting) Hey! Cut it out, the lot of you! (Grunting) Don't make me unleash the kraken.
Because you know I will.
font Small world, isn't it? Clearly not small enough.
Yeah, well, better get back.
I haven't seen you for 15 years and that's all you've got to say? - Can we talk in the morning? - Will you be here in the morning? (Toilet flushes) It's the story of the duck and the bee.
No, not a bee, they can fly, so that doesn't work.
- What are you lot doing down here? - What's the story about the duck and the insect? - Birds and the bees? - A frog! The frog and the scorpion, that's the story.
A scorpion wants a ride across the river Joe, I know the stupid story.
The scorpion promises not to sting the frog, then halfway across the river it does, and the frog says, "Why did you do that?" And the scorpion says, "'Cause it's in my nature.
" Yeah, that's it.
- Then they both die.
- I always leave that bit out.
That's not a very funny joke.
- I don't get it.
- It's not a joke.
Njord, God of the Sea here, is saying that he left his family because it was in his nature.
Call of the ocean or some such bullshit.
- Mikkel? - What? No God talk in front of the mortals, eh? (Chuckles) God talk.
You'll have to excuse my son, he's a bit overwhelmed.
- You're Njord? - Oh, this is too good.
Njord, meet Lervin.
And her daughter, Sjofn.
Well, then.
Well, that explains a lot about the night in the yacht club.
- The instant attraction? - From hello to naked in 20 minutes.
So, God of the Ocean want to come back to bed and rock my boat? Rock it? I will sink it, baby! (Laughs) Catch you in the morning.
(Footsteps patter) (Sighs) (Door closes) - So, that's everything? - Yep, that's everything, Ingrid.
Ingrid: Nothing that you've left behind? We've talked about this.
It's a small place, one bedroom.
- There's not enough room for you.
- No, I know.
(Zips) - Thanks for everything, guys.
- No worries, bro.
- We'll be around for the housewarming party? - Don't hold your breath.
There he goes.
Our revenue stream.
I guess you aren't going to pick up any of the slack.
Money is not my friend right now.
I find myself almost negatively polarized toward financial gain.
- Ingrid, it's okay to crash here.
- We're a flat, not a charity! - It's okay, Zeb.
- No, it's not, Axl! It's my name on the lease, so I'm the one who gets hassled by the Kwans whenever we're late paying the rent.
We have a spare room.
Ingrid can crash here until we find someone.
Well, actually, I have found someone.
Potentially found someone.
Explain.
It may take a bit of attitude adjustment on your behalf.
It's Amelia Tennet.
(Smooch) (Driving percussive music) - Will you still respect me after this? - No! We've been Facebook friends while she's been living in Sydney.
A step in the right direction, but still not far enough away.
But now she's back and she's looking for a place.
- It'll be the Three Musketeers, together again! - We were never the Three Musketeers, Zeb! Yes, we were! Back at school! And I know that your opinion soured of her for some reason.
Because she is a psycho nut bar.
She has a big personality.
Don't you remember all the fun we had? We were her lapdogs because she was incapable of having real friends.
You're just saying that 'cause she liked me better.
Yeah.
Sure, okay.
(Chuckles) Zeb, the only person Amelia likes is herself.
You had a crush on her, and it made you blind to the fact that she was using us! She was our friend, she needs somewhere to stay, - we need a new flat mate! - Yes, but not her! (Slams) (Sighs) There you go, my sweet.
- Joe, you have outdone yourself.
- Oh, just in time! Your mum said you were watching the old waistline.
I never said that! - I said she should be.
- And for my number one son.
Cut the soldiers, nice and thin, just how you like them.
When I was eight.
Go on, give it a taste.
(Crunch) See? - It's okay.
- Well, my breakfast: every mouthful an explosion of yumminess.
You're quite a catch, Johann Johnson.
I'm still blown away the fates have brought us together.
Any idea why fate never brought you back to your family, Joe? 15 years, not even a postcard.
It's hard to stay in touch when you're a slave to the ocean, son.
On the waves, a day seem likes a second, a year seems like a day.
The only way to truly measure the passage of time is by the lines on your own face.
So long apart.
- Do you know what this family needs? - Mum-- - A party! - No.
A Johnson family reunion barbeque, here this afternoon.
And it'll be fancy dress.
- You're such a bitch.
- Oh, come on.
You love dressing up! Remember that adorable little lamb outfit you wore for weeks? - Hey.
- Does it have to be fancy dress? Excuse me? You of all people who hates fancy dress with a passion.
- How do you know about this party? - It's says right here on my events organizer.
Johnson Boys Reunion, Fancy Dress Barbeque.
What about the bergerbar? Wasn't that reunion enough? Yeah, you'd think so.
But Dad sailed back into our lives.
Dad? You're kidding, right? Sitting right in front of me.
Well, fun times ahoy.
Can someone please explain? You are now witnessing Lervin's insidious powers at work.
Call her the social organizer of the Gods.
Lervin decides to throw a party you are powerless to resist.
(Phone rings) Mike, I'm not really in a party place at the moment, okay? So I'm going to give tonight a miss.
What's the reunion for, anyway? Dad's back in town.
(Melancholy instrumental music) Our dad? Yep.
Yeah, I can wait another 15 years to see the man who abandoned us.
As you can see, there's excellent indoor-outdoor flow when the front and back doors are open, of course.
Right.
.
And, um, is there a dishwasher? You're looking at him.
(Giggles) Zeb, just as funny as I remember.
(Door latch clicks) Axl! You're back.
- Already.
- Yes, Zeb, I am.
Hey, Axl.
It's good to see you again.
Zeb.
I had no idea Amelia was coming round, when you asked me to go to the dairy.
Well, as the lease holder of a flat in need of a paying flat mate, I took it upon myself to show our prospective new flat mate the flat.
In the best possible light.
(Sighs) This is a bit weird, isn't it? - The three of us together again.
- There are other words for it.
Look, I didn't want to sound like I'm sucking up, okay? But you guys were the best friends that I've ever had.
- Zeb: We were the outsiders! - The outlaws! It was us against the world! (Laughs) Okay.
Axl.
I know that things went totally pear-shaped at the end of school.
But we're so much older and wiser now, and I promise I will be the best flat mate ever.
My job doing publicity for the liquor company pays more than enough to cover rent plus I get free booze.
Plus I know heaps of super cute promo girls that I can introduce you to.
Plus I have a big screen TV and killer speakers.
Plus I can move in today.
All excellent pluses.
For a trial period.
(Laughing) Zeb: This is going to be so good! It's going to be like high school, - but better than high school! - Amelia: Better! So, what did the others get? Anders got Bragi.
No surprises there.
- Ty? - Hod.
(Laughs) He was always carrying around a dark cloud.
(Laughs) Always had the shittiest luck.
Well, maybe his luck's changed because he's not a God anymore.
- Can that happen? - Apparently so.
(Phone rings) Speak of the devil.
- Hey, Ty.
- Fancy dress? Whose idea was it to make it fancy dress? Dad's back.
(Melancholy instrumental music) So, I'm guessing that you won't be coming.
Oh, no.
I'll be there.
Mike: Aren't you going to ask me what Axl got? Is he 21 already? You're such a wonderful father.
- So, what'd he get? - Odin.
Seriously.
(Phone rings) The surf is amping, Michael.
- I mean, ridiculously good.
- Good to know.
So, why in the name of Thor's underpants do I have a sudden urge to go to a fancy bloody dress party? This is Lervin's work, isn't it? - Yep.
- There'd better be an outstanding reason.
Your son's returned.
Have you talked to Johann? Whatever you do, do not talk to him.
- A bit late for that, Grandpa.
- He broke my one rule, Mikkel.
I only have the one rule.
And he broke it.
And he And he will suffer the consequences.
Tell him he has a world of hurt coming his way.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Don't tell him.
I will tell him in my own way.
Your father's looking forward to talking to you.
This might not be such a bad party after all.
It's funny how the universe works, isn't it? Throwing us together with gods from the same family? - Michele: Hilarious.
- Njord, eh? - Real charmer, don't you reckon? - Mum you know you don't have a good history with gods.
Your father was a glitch.
A train wreck is not a glitch.
But Joe and I are a perfect combination.
Parties and boats.
We could run party boats around the Mediterranean.
Michele: Until he sails off into the sunset without you.
He won't do that because I'll be on the boat with him.
Michele: It's not a good idea for you to date a god.
You get your hopes up and it never ends well.
But it's alright for you.
Mike is different.
- We have a connection.
- Joe and I have a connection.
You and Colin had a connection.
- You'd rather I date a psychopath? - He's got some issues, - sure, But-- - Mum, I'm with Mike now.
(Sighs) Alright, let's have a look at you, then.
(Gasps) - This isn't even a costume.
- Sure it is! Sexy Easter Bunny! Porno Easter Bunny.
(Clatter) I am so not wearing this.
I might wear it, then.
(Gasps) Joe would love it.
What has your father done to my mother? Judging by what we heard through the wall, I'd say pretty much everything.
Is he using his power over her? - It's the only explanation.
- For what? No offence, but if my mother is, say, an eight, excluding personality, then your father is about a two.
Oh! I feel like I should be offended on behalf of my family.
- I did say no offence.
- Yeah, but that doesn't make it not offensive.
All I'm saying is he must have done something to her to make her go for him.
I think you're confusing him with Anders.
- Like son, like father? - Or your mum, sensing that he was a god, just threw herself at him.
- If you dare add like daughter, like mother - No, no.
See, 'cause I value my life.
Good.
I have no idea what my father's powers are.
(Whirring) Hi.
- Hello.
- I didn't know we were expecting any deliveries today, were we, Dawn? - I'm not here on business.
- Oh, pleasure, then? Family business.
Party? Oh yeah, that reminds me.
Hey, Dawn, can you hire me a costume? I don't think that costume shopping is in my job description.
Oh, and get something for bike boy too, while you're at it.
- No, it's okay.
- Nonsense.
Dawn will delight and surprise us with her costume choices, won't you, Dawn? Chop chop.
So, do we know why Dad's here? - Do we know why he left? - Fair point.
- So, what do we say to him? - As little as possible.
I don't know the guy, I don't want to know the guy.
We've got this far without the old bastard.
That's easy for you, but I've got unfinished business.
Wait, hang on.
Are you here for brotherly advice? Okay, cool.
Well, in that case, I say hit the bugger.
Or don't hit the bugger.
Hit the bugger or don't hit the bugger.
That's what you've got.
Man, you sure pack a lot of stuff into such a small car.
You're doing such a good job.
Some things never change, eh? - Sorry? - Zeb still running around after you like a love-sick kitten.
He is being helpful.
And Zeb knows he's now in the upper structure of my friendship rainbow.
No, he still has no idea he's being friend zoned.
Just like then.
He's not a complete idiot.
Even he would have got the message by now.
Look, Amelia.
The reason you're here, the only reason you're here, is because we're desperate for a flat mate.
End of story.
Desperate.
That's an interesting choice of word.
- Did you ever tell Zeb about us? - There was no us, Amelia.
Really? Really? A certain senior dance? Two kids sheltering from social death in a sport shed-- Three young kids.
(Panting) (Groaning) Yeah.
Two of them struggling to control their hormones and their desire for one another and failing miserably.
(Slow pop music) - No, we failed spectacularly.
- Yeah.
And no, I haven't told him.
Why would I tell him? That's ancient history and a huge mistake.
Are you sure about that? Zeb: Here we go.
(Thud) Perfect.
Zeb, you really are such an angel.
I honestly don't know how I managed to survive all these years without you.
How about this? Makes a statement.
Johann's and my outlook.
Outer space, in the void.
Bit subtle.
Grandpa, you said on the phone that I shouldn't talk to Dad.
- And did you talk to him? - I didn't have much choice.
Were you angry seeing him swan back in after all those years? - Yeah.
- And he gave you one of those bullshit nautical speeches, didn't he? Full of all this crap.
Then how'd you feel after that? You felt less angry, right? Yeah.
I did, come to think of it.
Johann's power as Njord is to pour oil on troubled waters.
You're pissed off at him, he goes blah, blah, blah, blah, suddenly you're not so pissed off anymore.
Does this sound familiar? Yes.
And yes, he also calms the actual sea.
Which I'm sure is good if you're going sailing with him, but it's shit when you're trying to bond with your 21-year-old by taking him surfing.
Hey, Dawn.
Oh, hello.
- Same party as your brother? - Yeah.
Good to know that one of you is capable of shopping for themselves.
You have a bone to pick with Johann? - Yeah.
- You make sure he never gets the first word in.
(Upbeat synth-pop music) - (Sighs) I don't know if I can do this.
- Just do what feels right in the moment.
But I don't know what that'll be until I get in there.
That's why they call it in the moment.
(Sighs) (Light lounge music) Mike: A nautical theme, of course.
But your costume's also fine.
- I'm not in costume.
- Put your tool belt on.
Karen, dressing up as a builder is not a costume, it's what I do.
Unless you'd like me to dress up like a flash lawyer.
Now, why would I want you to do that? That wouldn't be you at all.
Put your belt on.
- Sex on the Beach.
- (Laughs) Joe, you read my mind.
I know, I look ridiculous.
Don't you dare laugh.
Oh, no.
You look stunning.
Oh, you haven't done too bad without me, have you, son? I had no choice, Dad.
Better get the lady a drink.
(Smooch) - Anders: Hello.
- Yay, new Johnsons! Hello, and welcome to my party.
See? I told you you were in costume.
Village of Johnson People? (Sighing) Did Dawn put you up to this? She said she saw you looking for a costume.
Does this look like a costume to you? It does when you stand next to me.
Back away! Dawn is so not getting a Christmas bonus this year.
(Sighs) Hello, Anders.
- Wow, you recognize me.
- Hello, Tyrone.
Now, I know you have a lot to say to me, but before you give me the broad side, can I just say one thing? I look forward to listening to what you have to say.
- Ty, I don't think that's going to - Mike don't you dare side with him again.
Fine.
Whatever.
I need to hear this.
Mike tells me you managed to slip out of the net of being Hod.
What a bloody brave thing to do, son.
That's some major balls right there.
I salute you, mate.
Love the costumes, boys! Reminds me of this bar I know Way to tell him, Ty.
- What are you doing? - Making pasta.
I would have thought that was obvious.
You're making your famous spaghetti Bolognese.
The one you make when you're trying to impress a girl.
No, I'm making it to welcome Amelia into the fold.
The fold of your duvet, you wish.
Don't you have a fancy dress party to go to? Whoa, did someone just mention a party? Johnson family only.
The likes of you and I are not invited.
To which I am not going.
Zeb: Well, I haven't made enough pasta to go around, so if you stay, you're going hungry! Okay? But you love dress-up parties, Axl, we both know that.
Seriously, Amelia? Have you seriously forgotten how that ended? (Panting) (Groans) Wait, wait, wait, stop.
Stop.
- What? - Zeb.
(Grunts) - What about him? - I think he's going to chuck.
Are you for real? I'm doing you, like, the biggest favour in your life and you're thinking about Zeb? What if he chokes? - Oh my God, it is true.
- What is? What everyone says about you guys, that you're actually closet homos but you just don't realize it yet.
- That's not true! - Okay, then prove it.
Just be with me here.
Forget about him.
He's a fucking loser, anyway.
(Zeb groans) How could you say that about him? - Because it's true.
- But he adores you! He worships the ground you walk on.
I know, what a loser.
(Zeb groans) What a pair of losers! I was young.
We all say stupid things when we're young.
Just take me to your party tonight and then we can get it right this time.
- Zeb's cooking you dinner.
- There will be other dinners! I mean, you wanted me back then, what's different now? Now I know you're insane.
(Scoffs) - Okay, I am going to that party.
- Sweet, man.
You'll be able to resolve some family issues while Amelia and I, uh, catch up on old times.
Yeah.
Sure.
Aren't you forgetting something? Shit, fancy dress.
Dude.
Am I not the man with the best fancy dress-up box of all time? Yes, Zeb, you are.
- You could have warned me.
- I tried, but you were all, "Don't you dare side with him", so-- - Do you still want to smack him? - Yes! I don't know, I'm confused! (Chuckles) It's not funny! Are we just going to let him get away with what he did to us? To our family? Apparently we are, Ty, because we're powerless to stop him.
Ah.
This is wrong, this is not right.
He was a really bad father.
I didn't just imagine that, right? No, Ty.
And now there's part of me that wants to hug him.
How does he do that?! (Chuckles) Shit! Fucker! (Upbeat dance music) (Clattering) Ah! I don't know why I couldn't drive.
No one drives my car.
You couldn't have put your octopus costume on after we got here? I'm not an octopus! The kraken.
Mortal enemy of sailors.
So, it's true what they say.
You can't stop the music.
Amusing much.
I'd just like to say here and now how pleased I am that you fellas have stuck by each other all this time.
It's so rare in our kind.
Well, maybe the fuck off and abandon your family gene skips a generation.
I'm just saying! I'm proud of you, that's all.
That would have carried a lot more weight 15 years ago, Dad.
Now, there's a costume! (Crash) (Crash) That is for breaking my one rule.
Hi, Dad.
You haven't aged a day.
(Grunts) That's how you should have handled it.
I do love a good god party.
What's the one rule? Never hit a woman.
Oh.
A cowboy, really? This is not a good day for our heterosexuality.
Axl.
Hello, Dad.
My lord, Odin.
Odin? I wasn't sure if it was BYO, so I just bought a bottle.
Why didn't you tell me the builder's brother is Odin? Because of this moment right now.
Sure he's a little bit on the young side for you, but-- - Mum! - But he's Odin! And I'm not Frigg.
Much to your disappointment.
True, but he's Odin! Actually, Mother, I've already fucked Axl.
That make you happy? - Really? - He was a woman at the time.
Okay, I won't ask.
But a step in the right direction for sure.
And I much prefer the builder.
So, I guess you've got two choices here.
You can stick with Njord and play mummy to Axl or go after Odin yourself.
For the record, I take no pride in what I did.
Fair enough.
Although it was awesome.
Thank you for doing what we couldn't.
Bless you.
But violence is not an answer.
Except he totally deserved it.
Yeah, justice was served.
With a squid entrée.
(Laughing) Now, go and make peace with your father.
- What? - Why? Because he's your father.
But he's a knob! - Who is your father.
- Are you going to make peace with him? He's my son.
I don't have to.
(Sighs) Sons must always make peace with the father.
He must come to me, just as you must go to him.
(Sighing) And I got us The Notebook to watch after.
The Notebook is, like, my most favourite movie.
I know.
I learned it from your Facebook page.
You know, coming from anyone else that would be totally creepy.
Cheese board? But you know my happiest memories of this family? The summer afternoons when you boys would play cricket out the back of the house.
You trying to bowl as fast as you could.
You trying to smash the ball out of the back of the farm.
And Mike could umpire.
Pull you apart when you started fighting.
Those were good days.
You talk to him yet? How do you feel about him right at this moment? Disappointed.
Pissed off.
I want to know why he left us.
Hold onto that feeling, keep it right up here.
Why? You'll find out.
Joe: Sorry, what was the question again? Why did you hit Mum? Well, I could say I wasn't entirely happy on that farm.
Yeah, we guessed that when you took off.
Or I could blame the drink.
Or say your mother was a difficult woman.
Or how when a god and a goddess get together, it always turns feral.
But the truth is, I'm a prick.
I'm a prick now, but I was a bigger prick then.
Could have calmed her down, but I chose not to, cause I like the drama, the passion.
And let me tell you, your mother got a few good blows in.
And of course, there was the makeup sex.
(Smack) That's Mum you're talking about.
Joe: Yeah, sorry.
That was disrespectful.
Stick to the happy memories, boys.
They're much healthier.
(Slow pop music in background) Are you suddenly filled with a need to play backyard cricket? Yes! Huh.
If only we had a bat and ball.
(Snaps) Lance has a bat and ball.
What, Dawn's dickhead boyfriend? How do we know this? I once hit a ball over the neighbour's house into the next yard, mate.
You ever done that? Well, no, we lived on a farm, so that would have been impossible.
So, you actually haven't played backyard cricket, then, have you? We played on a paddock in our backyard, so-- But is that technically a yard, Ty? Is it? - Yes! - Is it? Hmm, I wonder.
- Guys? Sorry.
- What? Can we wrap this up? The movie starts in 20.
Sorry, babe.
Any time you want to figure this out, mano e mano, I've got a bat and ball.
Huh.
Okay, well, off to Dickhead's house we go.
(Sighs) (Sizzling) You're doing a good job.
- Turning the sausages? - The boys.
You're a much better father than I ever was.
The bar wasn't set very high, was it? I knew you would be.
- Right from when you were young.
- (Sighs) Don't you dare.
Don't you dare use me as your ticket out.
Oh no, no, no.
I was always going to bugger off.
But it just helped me sleep a smidge easier knowing there was a born leader at the helm here.
Yeah, and while you were sleeping easy, and Mum was off being a tree, I spent the best years of my life raising your bloody kids! Ya? Any life that I might have had, instead, no, no.
I spent it bringing up my brothers.
You? You made me old before my time.
Bullshit.
Sorry? You love running this family.
Don't fool yourself, Michael.
If you weren't in charge, you'd be bloody miserable.
Let me ask you one thing.
If being the boss is so bloody awful, they're all grown up now.
Why aren't you off surfing in Mexico or sleeping with unsuitable women? That answer is because you think you were born to lead this clan.
Joe? Come and dance with me.
Joe: You know what dancing leads to.
Karen: That's what I'm hoping.
(Chuckling) (Upbeat electronic music) (Engine revving) (Thud) - Ugh, who invited that turd? - Yeah, I heard that, Axl Johnson.
- Like I care! - Colin, you came! And I might just come again looking at you, you saucy fish.
(Laughing) - Oh! Michael Johnson.
- Colin.
Look at you, you macho, macho man! Oh, for fuck's sake.
I do love a Lervin party.
(Chuckling) Axl.
We haven't talked yet.
- Apparently talking to you is some kind of game.
- Well, it's just talking.
We've got a lot to say to each other.
You must have 100 questions.
Yeah, I do.
Starting with why the hell are you here? That's easy.
I'm here because of you.
Nice décor.
Late caveman period? Oh! Hi, Dawn.
Anders.
- What are you doing here? - Gleaning sporting equipment.
- What are you doing? - I was asleep.
Why? What made you tired, Dawn? - That is none of your business.
- Oh, it's a business thing.
Taking delivery of a special package.
So, you're saying there's no chance I can play, bro? No, it's a family honour thing, but thanks for this.
No, okay, I get that, I get that, bro.
There is a ding in this bat from when my sister smashed me over the back of the head, after a disputed run-out.
We're friends now, but that's a true story, bro.
Also, don't you have something else to do? Leaving now.
See you, mate.
To be honest, here's the last place on Earth I want to be.
But for the last two years-- ever since you turned 21, I'll bet every move I've made, every ship I've sailed has conspired to bring me towards here.
Every time I tried to sail in the opposite direction, it was like, the sea would turn on me and I'd end up closer, not further away.
I realize now I was being driven back to you.
- But I didn't do anything.
- You became Odin.
The sea's under your command.
Then why did it attack me? Sorry? Last time I was in the sea, there were these weird flashing light things that attacked me.
Mutiny? Intriguing.
- Now you answer my question, I've answered yours.
- I've got lots more.
Like how could you abandon us, for starters.
Well, we need to make time to answer them.
Why are you so unhappy? You're Odin, son! Why are you so miserable? Because I'm as useless at being Odin as I am at everything else in my life.
- (Chuckles) How can Odin possibly be useless? - He just is, okay? Doesn't have the balls to sort out his own flat.
Say what needs to be said.
And what's that? Why do you care? Because after you tell me, Odin will go and sort it the fuck out.
Which is what Odin does.
(Playful dance music) (Laughing) They get on well.
The thing about a Lervin party is there's always a point when dignity leaves the building.
Vomiting comes next.
I'm just going to pop out, help Axl for a bit.
You keep on doing that thing you do so well.
(Laughing) Where are you going? Bit of a mission.
Mike: Can I have a word? (Colin laughing) (Door slams) - You okay? - Fine.
Apart from being over you asking me if I'm okay all the time.
- Are you okay being with him? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we talked.
- And that is it was fine.
- Yeah, I bet it was.
We're going for, like, half an hour, Mike, to do one thing.
- Then we're coming back.
- Yeah, right.
Do you want me to come with you? I can make my own fucking life decisions, Mike.
- I'm not saying otherwise.
- Yeah, you are! (Beer sloshes) Jeez.
(Door slams) Where's your car? Broken.
I walked.
Is this Olaf's car? - Yeah.
- We'll take that.
Joe! Will this thing take long? Twinkle of an eye, my sweet.
(Grunts) (Car doors close) He used to keep a spare under here in case he left the other in his pocket when he was surfing.
Bingo.
Bingo! (Car engine starts) You know he's not ever coming back, don't you? Nonsense.
Why wouldn't he? (Engine revs) (Music playing on TV) (Sighs) It's so beautiful the way they die holding hands.
I wish all men were like Ryan Gosling.
(Taps) (Sighs) Hey, Axl! How was your party? Dude, I need to tell you something.
I should have told you a long time ago, but you need to know now.
Amelia only ever hung out with you to get to me.
She doesn't give a shit about you at all.
Of course she cares about me! We were the Three Musketeers! Oh, Zeb.
- Whoa! Whoa, what are you-- - Wake up! She is a fruit bat and a user and she will never, ever sleep with you in a million years.
You need to know this because it is just embarrassing watching her use you as her doormat! No! No, no, no.
You've always had it in for her because she liked me more than you, because I am decent and human - toward her! - Yeah, and in return, she treats you as her little monkey boy.
When you realize what an insane grade-A psycho you've invited into our home call me.
Our home? It's in my name, dude.
Get out of my flat! Axl: Fine.
I'm going.
(Melancholy instrumental music) I am not a psycho! (Thud) Ugh! Amelia, that hurt! You need to get help.
Seriously get some.
(Door slams) What? And? - That was not fun.
- Didn't say it would be.
(Sighs) We should go somewhere.
Do something.
Okay.
I'm going to suggest the hospital.
What? I don't want to alarm you, Axl, but you have a knife sticking out of your back.
And he took my car? Yes, Grandpa, and Axl.
No apology.
And he took my car.
He will pay and pay if I ever see him again.
Axl said they'll be gone like half an hour.
Which is what? Like, five years in Joe time? Exactly.
So, shall I go after him? To get my car back? Hell yes! - To get Axl? - Mistakes are what we learn from, Mike.
Like never telling your son where you leave your spare car keys! Njord? Njord is nothing.
He's an ugly, crusty old relic compared to you.
- You are better off without him.
- Without him? That is certainly applicable.
And you could be a little more supportive of your mother, you know.
And you two could get a room, you know.
Ah, Batman! And his offsider, Ball Boy! (Laughs) - Where's Joe? - Joe has gone.
- Why? - Because gods always shoot the gap when given the chance.
- Eh, Mum? - You are a bitch of a daughter.
Where nature meets nurture, Mother.
Well, at least with all your family boo-hoo issues out of the way, we can get down to business, eh? What business? Has Anders failed to mention he's my campaign manager? Gunderson for mayor! Counting on all your votes.
My very highly paid campaign manager.
How could you do that? Could we take this outside? I feel distinctly unwell.
Fantastic at throwing parties.
Crap at ending them.
Well, at least with your mother hurling gives us a chance to be alone.
You know, you are even more beautiful than the real Cleopatra.
If the statues are anything to go by, she was a bit of a dog! You say the loveliest things.
Ah.
If you're looking for an asp for those breasts, - I have a snake.
- Wow! My knees have gone weak.
Oh, wait, they haven't.
(Thud) (Laughs) Came prepared.
(Grunts) Not prepared enough.
(Coughs) Okay.
St Standard rules.
Over the wall, on the roof, you're out.
Plus you go get it.
I know the rules, Anders, which is more than you.
Oh, here comes the sanctimony.
(Up-tempo pop music) You know what your problem? You have no respect for this family, you think you're above us.
Fuck you, Mr.
I Think I'm Too Good To Be A God! Oh, you're calling me a traitor? That's rich.
Yeah, no.
That's out.
- What? Fuck off! - Yeah.
- Leg before.
You're out, give me the bat.
- Bullshit! It was missing the stumps! No, it wasn't.
Give me the bat.
Oh, you want the bat? Fine, take it.
Anders: Ugh.
Okay, I will.
(Grunting) Oh, what? You're going to take this out on me now because you're too dickless to front up to Dad? Maybe he'd still be here so I could if you hadn't slapped him like the little bitch you are! I'll slap you.
(Smack) - Hey, knock it off.
- Oh, great.
Here comes our other dad.
- Ty: At least he's not a traitor.
- Hey, how's your girlfriend Dawn, Ty? Fuck you! (Laughs) (Grunting) This is more like it.
(Grunting) Hey! I'm sick and tired of the both of you.
Just grow up.
You grow up, you wanker! (Grunting) Cut it out, the lot of you! Don't make me unleash the kraken.
Because you know I will.
(Panting) God, this is it! This is what Joe does.
This is his wake.
- Is he dead? - No! What the ship leaves behind.
Once the oil is dispersed: troubled water.
Your father has gone.
He left a long time ago, and what you saw today was an apparition.
You're men, for fuck's sakes! Act like men! You, Dances With Dudes, you're out and you know it.
- Go keep wicket.
- What? Don't whine.
The kraken's decision is final.
Stace, - you're batting.
- Choice! No, I got him out, so I get to bat! You're only letting her bat 'cause you're sleeping with her! Inside.
- You're sending me off?! - I'm sending you inside to get beer.
We've got backyard cricket to play.
- Mike, you umpire.
- Can I play for once? No.
Having you on a team, not a level playing field.
I will bowl.
(Mid-tempo instrumental music) Change of plan.
Michele will bowl.
I'll cover all the fielding positions over here.
(Cheering) (Shouting) Man.
I had a knife in my back, and all he did was pull it out and stick a fancy band-aid on it.
Joe: But they let you keep the knife.
- (Chuckles) Souvenir of how useless I am.
- Joe: You are not useless.
You are Odin, who by definition, - is not useless.
- Axl: Well, this one feels like he is.
You're taking off, aren't you? Thought I might head down to Norsewood, actually.
Take a look at the old homestead.
Fancy a road trip? I'll answer all your questions, just as long as we're moving.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
That's my boy.
You drive.
(Ominous instrumental music) (Car engine starts)