The Armstrong And Miller Show (2007) s03e05 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 5
1 We do not know yet when that time will come.
Only God himself knows that, but He has told me there will be signs.
And when I have witnessed these signs, I know that will mean God wishes for us to join Him in eternity.
And at that point, we must have the courage to free ourselves of our earthly bodies and to join our creator in Heaven.
But that time is yet to come.
In the meantime, He wills it that I continue my work here on Earth.
Two fat ladies88.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR PHONE RINGS Sir? Come in.
Hello? Home Secretary.
Oh, hello, Fabio.
Yup, hang on a sec.
My interior designer.
Yup, go on.
Yup, the cushions for the sofa, yup.
All right, you check them out, I'll hang on the line.
What's this about? Me? Yeah! The Daily Mail would like a statement about the gay wheelchair basketball team from Sierra Leone who are applying for asylum.
Frankly, they're freakish and ugly and I wouldn't want them in my home.
OK, I might have to tone that down a bit.
No, no, no, swap them for the other cushions.
Can we send them back? Come on, Peter, can we send them back? Oh, er, no, no.
They're saying they'll face the death penalty, sir.
I'd hang them myself if I could.
Do you want me to quote you on that, or? No, but I'm not good with curtains, so could you attach them to the poles yourselves? Yes.
Out of curiosity, how are they supported? Are you simple, Peter? Who's backing them? There's an online campaign, the spokesperson for Liberty has made remarks to the press and the Lib Dems are behind them.
Those knobs.
Yes, their spokesman No, no, knobs on the kitchen cabinets.
No, they belonged to the previous owner.
Send them away.
Yup.
Dining chairs, hmm.
What's wrong with their legs? No, no, not you, Fabio.
What's wrong with their legs, Peter? Oh, well, mostly spinal injuries, some congenital conditions.
Is it significant? Of course.
I need to know if they're a bunch of fakes.
Well, they're members of the International Federation Sh! Are they genuine Queen Marys? I said, are they actual Queen Marys, Peter, are they really gay? Who knows, I mean? Well, just check their bottoms for giveaway signs.
I don't think we have the powers to do that, sir.
Sorry, Fabio, it's not a good line.
I said turn the vases over and see if they're real Wedgwood, OK? Yep, all right, Fabio, thanks, you're doing a very good job.
OK, bye.
Home Secretary, we really do need a decision.
It's not just the Mail, there's a whole storm brewing.
Are we going to let them stay? Well, this is a delicate matter.
They're clearly exposed and have been badly mistreated.
I trust your judgement.
If you think they need helping out, then let's not leave them dangling.
I'll get on the phone to immigration.
Shh, shh, shh! Not you.
I'm talking to my proctologist on the other line about my piles.
Oh, shit! Kick and kick and keep those core muscles strong! World's greatest pentathlete, that's what they'll say.
Feel that gold medal round your neck, Joe, visualise it, strong and solid against your chest.
You're up there on the podium, packed stadium, God Save The Queen, fighting back the tears, a whole nation united in pride.
A hero's return.
You know what that means, don't you? Year down the line, team captain on Hole In The Wall.
All these 5am sessions will start to make sense when you get in that silver jumpsuit.
My, my, look at you in the green room sharing gourmet crisps with Dominic Littlewood.
Ooh, Bombay mix, don't mind if I do! Oh, stitch, stitch, stitch.
GEORDIE ACCENTS We were going to go.
and catch a beautiful red mullet for our supper.
And cook it right here on the beach! But it's a bit choppy and I don't fancy it.
That's right, so I'm using my iPhone to book us a table at Rick Stein's place in Padstow.
But can they fit us in? It's pretty short notice! We're in! Oh! Get in! And what's more, dude, it's part of a hotel so we won't have to worry about driving.
Let's go for it! Come on! This store closes in five minutes.
Please bring all of your items to the till.
Oh, in the name of Beelzebub! One could hardly call this late night opening.
Darkness has been upon us for but an hour.
Hurry, my dear Horschstadt.
The shop wench regards me with "come hither" eyes.
Sad old perv.
Well? My goodness! You're right.
Something's missing.
I'm told the secret lies in the layering of many garments.
The chemise, is it not supposed to be tucked in? Well, apparently not.
On whose authority? Gok Wan.
Gok what? A gregarious sodomite of some repute.
I saw him on the television.
But, seriously, what do you think? Look, if we are to feed, then we must be more"hep".
Hip? I'm pretty sure they don't say that any more.
Well, aren't you even going to try something on? Horschstadt, I've been ravishing maidens in this very cloak since 1482.
Hey, guys! You're, umlooking good.
Yes, yes, good evening.
Thank you, yes.
Our work here is done.
We were just going to take a quick look in Next.
NoUrban Outfitters.
Urban Outfitters.
Oh, great, yeah, go for it.
Although you may want to try Camden Market, they've got more gothicky-type stuff.
Yes, I'm sure we shall do very well, thank you very much.
Anyway, better run.
Don't want to miss dinner, if you know what I mean.
Insufferable.
Though he did pull off the layered effect with some elan.
Now I think I know what was missing from my ensemble.
I'm not 100 per cent convinced, but if you say so.
Hold, hold, my dear! A startled fawn has just entered the darkling glade.
Right, come on, then, everybody out.
Let us strike like a bolt of lightning hurled from the blackest of skies.
WIND WHISTLES Madam, my friend has something he wishes to show you.
Agh! Come on! Get out! Come, come, come, dear companion.
Let us settle for these weeds, then find a quiet corner of Garfunkel's.
Meeting Mike's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh, shut up.
It is.
He knows it is.
Well, I suppose so.
Oh, hang on, you've got a We moved in together within what? Two weeks? Two weeks, yeah.
Two weeks.
We just do everything together, don't we? Cooking, shopping.
Gym.
Of course.
And the weird thing is Neither of us is gay.
It was weird, though, wasn't it? Yeah, I mean, they came right up to our window.
What, the monkeys? No way! Yeah, the hotel looked out onto these trees.
The monkeys would come right up - you had to be careful what you left out - they'd be, like, whoa! Oh, that sounds so nice.
Yeah, it was brilliant.
I'll bore you with the photos when you next come round.
Do, do, yeah.
Oh, God, Sam! You all right? Sam? Oh, God! Is there a doctor? Please? Sam! Oh, no! Oh, God! This isn't funny, but it did actually happen to a friend of mine, so If you've just joined us, it's a special edition of the programme today.
We've got live coverage of all the build-up to this afternoon's Royal wedding.
Time now to get the inside story from Royal expert, Terry Devlin.
Terry, it'sit's still relatively early in the day, but it looks as though everything's in full swing in central London.
Oh, you're absolutely right, Jeremy.
In fact, the revelry here started as early as last night as the guests very much arrived for an, if you like, eve of wedding party at Clarence House.
Stephen Fry, Will Young, Michael McIntyre, Leona Lewis, Jools Holland.
These just some of the names of people.
Yeah, and did you talk to any of the guests, Terry? Sanjeev Bhaskar, Mike Tindall, Rowan Atkinson, Lady Sarah Chatto, formerly Armstrong-Jones, the Sugababes, the Earl of Ulster, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Viscount Severn, Rory Bremner.
Just some further names of people, all of them no doubt wound up in the splendour of this, if one might call it, and it's by no means overstating it to do so, the latest of many, many weddings in the Royal House of Windsor.
Yeah, so just let me ask you Will everyone turn up? Peter Phillips, son of the Princess Royal, very much expected.
Terry Viscount Linley, offspring of the late Princess Margaret and Lord Snowdon.
And, of course, his Royal Highness, the Duke of Gloucester.
And Archbishop of Olomouc sadly won't be there on account of his having died in 1831.
Yeah But Princess Eugenie and her cadre of Royal bodyguards very much will be there.
Did I say Michael McIntyre? Yes, yes, you did.
What about the Prince? I imagine even you're not going to be getting too close to the groom, Terry? Well, on that score, I think it's safe to say that you are absolutely 110 per cent correct, Jeremy.
I shall be staying well away, giving the Prince and his immediate family, the Royal Family, the space that they need, in accordance with Royal protocol, and indeed not one but two restraining orders.
Oh, I am now being singled out for special singular attention by one of Her Majesty's constabularians.
I won't tell you again.
So you have no previous experience of running a school? Bull's-eye! Let's do this.
Snakes hear through their jaws.
With you.
Prince Charles doesn't know what he's talking about.
That's your opinion.
You can forget how to ride a bike.
Shit! Book me a refresher course.
Mr Stevenson and Mrs Hargreaves have been at it for months.
No way! The Vikings discovered America.
Fair enough.
Tom Cruise can move small objects with his mind.
Of course he can, dammit! I've got a note.
Not interested! Radiohead is becoming accessible again.
Yes, it is.
Vegetarians aren't cool any more.
I see.
There's a scrap on by the long jump pit.
Is there? Come on, team! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Visitors to the Boltraffio Gardens in Bologna might be forgiven for walking past this simple-looking fountain.
Not much to look at, perhaps, but in its design and mechanism it prefigures the achievements of Bernini by more than a century.
It is, of course, the work of a man whose name echoes down the centuries - Leonardo da Vinci.
And its value is absolutely beyond measure.
Not just an artist, or an engineer, Leonardo was a scientist before there were scientists.
A biologist, a physicist.
Many will have heard of his designs for helicopters and tanks, but few will be aware that he also catalogued chemical reactions and processes too.
That he was the first to make soap from olive oil.
And that he refined potassium from burnt wood and tree leaves.
And we know all this because he recorded all of his findings in meticulous detail here.
On numerous vellums made from a delicate paper he produced himself.
The detail, the sheer erudition recorded herein must render this artefact one of the most priceless in the whole of Europe.
Just take a look at this sketch.
FOUNTAIN GURGLES See how the French are using the natural cover of those rocks.
He's a clever one, this Captain Luchard.
Shall we engage, sir? Only if attacked directly.
This is a local quarrel and England's fortunes are furthered not a whit should we lose our heads.
No, I don't mind sitting this one out.
Gives us a chance to observe Frenchies' cannons in action, what? Indeed, sir.
CANNON FIRE Ah! There they go now.
CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE CAPTAIN BREAKS WIND Ah! Here we go again.
CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE No, you listen to me, OK? If you can't get it done by tomorrow, I'm going to come over there and I am, by God, going to stick it where the sun don't shine! Problem? Old dear next door has got a yucca plant needs moving into the shade.
It's quite heavy.
Is this stool free? Help yourself.
Ken! Ken! Over 'ere, Ken.
Angelina Ballerina, Phil, is that you? Yes, it's me.
What's going on? What's with all the cloak and dragon stuff? Come over here and I'll show you.
Here, look.
Have a Nicky Witchell at that.
That came in the post today.
China crisis! A red brushed-cotton Oxford pillowcase.
What's it mean? Nothing, that's just a sample I got from Beds Beds Beds.
Underneath.
Olympia Dukakis! A grey brushed-cotton Oxford pillow I'm still none the wiser.
It's bad, Ken, it's the classic augur of death in the world of wholesale bedding.
Somebody is out to get me.
Yeah, well, of course they are, Phil.
You can't run a multi-county franchise without rucking a few underlays along the way, but so what? You can't go on like this, this isn't living.
Your own flesh and blood not recognising you.
Look in the mirror, don't even know yourself.
You're right, Ken.
Oh, I tell you what, that is a relief.
Good to have you back, and besides, it could be a genuine mistake.
I remember when I first started out in the carpet game, I got sent a child's finger in the post.
It turns out there was a perfectly innocent explanation behind it.
Which was? I can't remember, but I can laugh about it now.
Well, this ain't no laughing matter, Ken.
I might not have made the bed, but sure as eggs is en Provence, I'm the one who's gonna have to lie in it.
Believe you me I you they them, Phil Cable, you can't run away from this, you've got to turn around and fight.
You're right, Ken.
It's dog eat dog out there.
In fact, it's worse than dog eat dog, it's dog leaves school at 14, dog boils beetroot for a living, dog runs market stall, dog climbs ladder of swords that is the retail bedding industry, dog accidentally upsets other dog, then dog threatens dog with a grey brushed-cotton Oxford pillowcase.
Tin Machine, Phil Cable, you are in a bad way.
Have you considered re-carpeting? What?! I know I should mind me own Ski Sundays, but the All Souls Claret can solve a great many of man's problems.
HE SHOOTS Agh! You all right, Phil? Mystery solved, Ken.
It was Terry Duvet, Dauphin Prince of the Duvet brothers dynasty.
I remember now.
He ordered 12 gross of orthopaedic, I sold him memory foam.
And you know the irony? If anything, they are actually better for your back.
It's time to roll down the blind and switch out the light.
It's curtains for Phil's Beds.
No, that's madness, Phil.
This is no time to be branching out.
No, you silly lump, there's nothing wrong with you.
You ought to have more faith in the good book.
That's what took your bullet.
Now, let's see who it was.
Yeah, you let me down, I'll remember that.
You let me down, won't forget that.
You let me down, won't forget that.
Ah, would you look at that, I might have known! Executive Parsley! Aye, that is a hard-wearing weave.
Job done.
Tell you what, I'll smooth things over with Terry, send him a complimentary cheval mirror with luxury bevelling.
That ought to do it.
Now, I'm going to treat you to a J2O.
Oh, Phil Cable, you ruin me! Gentlemen, our orders have changed.
Are ye of a mind to fight? ALL: Arrh! It seems we have women aboard.
Was that a crowd of women shouting? I said, are ye of a mind to fight? Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Oh, I'm hearing Terry Devlin is back with us now.
Terry, very quickly, Royal honeymoon plans? Oh, well, Jeremy, like many a groom before him, the Prince will have tried to keep this a secret from his Royal bride, but I can tell you this - he will have had the option of choosing from any number of favoured Royal destinations.
The Maldives, Mustique, Madeira, Malta, the Falkland Isles, the Isle of Wight, Balmoral, the Royal County of Berkshire, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Dubai, or, indeed, any of the many, many, many holiday destinations that do exist within the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, or, indeed, the Right, I've warned you! Arrgh! UmTerry Devlin there, our Royal Correspondent.
Now, more news on those dreadful Californian mud slides.
Is he OK? Is he? Yeah, I mean, I suppose it is a bit weird, but, you know, we just all really get on.
Er Yeah, I get on great with Chrisum, I've no problem whatsoever with the whole Fiona thing, and, um, you know, Fiona gets on great with Hermione, so WOMEN: Who's Hermione? Ah, Barraclough! Perhaps you'd be so good as to allow me to accompany you.
Um Actually, I think I might go for a stroll out on deck, sir.
Here we are, then.
Oh, yeah, this is great.
Yes, sorry about the mess, we had a party here yesterday, as you can see.
It was absolute mayhem.
I can see.
And I gather you're going to be doing a similar sort of thing? Yes, my little boy's tenth birthday, so I thought I'd do something a little bit special.
Oh, lovely.
Sorry, do you mind if I sort of? No, no, no, by all means.
Now, we can do the tables like this, or some people prefer Oliver, will you stop being such a spoilt little shit! I've spent a lot of money today.
Stop crying and go and dance with your sister.
You're making me look like a bad parent.
No, I like it, it's very, um It's got a lovely ambience, hasn't it? What is the hire? Er It's £100 for the room and then an extra £20 for use of the kitchen, for drinks and so forth.
I'll probably just do a sort of drinks table over here.
Yeah.
This is good, isn't it.
Yes, it's a good sized stage for the room, yeah.
Hey! That was great, wasn't it, everyone? Yeah.
Not 200 quid's worth of great, though, was it, mate? Yeah? Well, do some balloon animals or something.
Oh, shut up.
Don't you push me.
Yeah? Not so magic now, are you, Molenzo? No, I like it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So shall we take a look at the kitchen, or? Yup.
Umyes.
Just through here.
It's fairly basic, but it's Oh! Look, boys and girls, it's the wicked witch of the west London.
No.
No, he is not leaving.
He is staying here and enjoying the party that I have thrown for him because I love him! Getoff! Oh, brilliant! That's the cake ruined! Congratulations, Sandra, brilliant! Do you want some birthday cake, Oliver? Yeah? You want some happy birthday cake? Ollie! Come back.
I'm sorry.
Jessica Sandra Don't take them! Please don't take my children! No-o-o-o-o-o-o! Um, sorry, actually I I know what you're going through, because, umlast year my ex and I had It's perfect! So, do I pay a deposit, or, er? Oh, you've got a piano! MUSIC: "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin You can't go wrong with gold bullion.
Received.
Everyone loves their own farts.
Good.
I'm carrying a piece.
With you.
E=MC squared.
Prove it.
London's the loneliest place in the world.
Spot-on.
No-one watches snooker any more.
Uh-huh.
We're all out of cheese flan.
Well done.
Your mum's a tramp.
What's your source? Um, your dad.
Good work.
No-one knows where Malta is.
Sure.
They want you on board at Henchman and Co.
Oh, yes! What's that? My resignation.
But you've only just I'm out of my bloody depth, man! Eine minuten, bitte.
Danke schon.
Ich brauche einen Fernsprecher, bitte.
Danke.
PHONE RINGS Listen very carefully, I haven't got much time.
Good God, man! GUN SAFETY CATCH What's this? Possibly the single biggest intelligence coup of the war.
It seems there's a dark secret lurking at the heart of the Nazi state.
A secret which in the right hands just might turn the tide of the war.
Who else has seen this? No-one, sir.
Enderby rang it through from Austria about 20 minutes ago.
Rang it through? I fear he shan't be coming back.
But this is dynamite.
"Hitlerone ball.
"Goering, two, but small.
"Himmler similar.
"Goebbels, no balls at all.
" I think you know what to do with this, Walduck.
What do you want? A song.
You lot, you think this stuff grows on trees.
You wanted bawdy barrack-room ditties to raise morale.
I poured out my soul.
"Goering's prick is full of diseases, "that's why he has to piss with tweezers.
" I remember the songs, Harold.
But they had a crucial flaw.
They were always based on speculation.
This time it's different.
Get me my old piano.
MUMBLES WORDS HUMS Ah! One ball! If Hannibal had many balls up in the air, there'd da da da da Can't have Hannibal.
Hannibal, that's not going to work! The testes, testes The Fuhrer has only one.
It's no use! It's no use! TRAIN HOOTS PLAYS COLONEL BOGEY TUNE # Hitler has only got one ball Goering has two, but very small # Himmler has something sim-lar And poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.
Gentlemen I think we've just won ourselves a war.
Bravo! Bravo! HE TAPS CODE BEEPING Churchill hast eine massive cock! Nein, nein! Haben ein grossen Kockendick? Das ist gut, nein?
Only God himself knows that, but He has told me there will be signs.
And when I have witnessed these signs, I know that will mean God wishes for us to join Him in eternity.
And at that point, we must have the courage to free ourselves of our earthly bodies and to join our creator in Heaven.
But that time is yet to come.
In the meantime, He wills it that I continue my work here on Earth.
Two fat ladies88.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR PHONE RINGS Sir? Come in.
Hello? Home Secretary.
Oh, hello, Fabio.
Yup, hang on a sec.
My interior designer.
Yup, go on.
Yup, the cushions for the sofa, yup.
All right, you check them out, I'll hang on the line.
What's this about? Me? Yeah! The Daily Mail would like a statement about the gay wheelchair basketball team from Sierra Leone who are applying for asylum.
Frankly, they're freakish and ugly and I wouldn't want them in my home.
OK, I might have to tone that down a bit.
No, no, no, swap them for the other cushions.
Can we send them back? Come on, Peter, can we send them back? Oh, er, no, no.
They're saying they'll face the death penalty, sir.
I'd hang them myself if I could.
Do you want me to quote you on that, or? No, but I'm not good with curtains, so could you attach them to the poles yourselves? Yes.
Out of curiosity, how are they supported? Are you simple, Peter? Who's backing them? There's an online campaign, the spokesperson for Liberty has made remarks to the press and the Lib Dems are behind them.
Those knobs.
Yes, their spokesman No, no, knobs on the kitchen cabinets.
No, they belonged to the previous owner.
Send them away.
Yup.
Dining chairs, hmm.
What's wrong with their legs? No, no, not you, Fabio.
What's wrong with their legs, Peter? Oh, well, mostly spinal injuries, some congenital conditions.
Is it significant? Of course.
I need to know if they're a bunch of fakes.
Well, they're members of the International Federation Sh! Are they genuine Queen Marys? I said, are they actual Queen Marys, Peter, are they really gay? Who knows, I mean? Well, just check their bottoms for giveaway signs.
I don't think we have the powers to do that, sir.
Sorry, Fabio, it's not a good line.
I said turn the vases over and see if they're real Wedgwood, OK? Yep, all right, Fabio, thanks, you're doing a very good job.
OK, bye.
Home Secretary, we really do need a decision.
It's not just the Mail, there's a whole storm brewing.
Are we going to let them stay? Well, this is a delicate matter.
They're clearly exposed and have been badly mistreated.
I trust your judgement.
If you think they need helping out, then let's not leave them dangling.
I'll get on the phone to immigration.
Shh, shh, shh! Not you.
I'm talking to my proctologist on the other line about my piles.
Oh, shit! Kick and kick and keep those core muscles strong! World's greatest pentathlete, that's what they'll say.
Feel that gold medal round your neck, Joe, visualise it, strong and solid against your chest.
You're up there on the podium, packed stadium, God Save The Queen, fighting back the tears, a whole nation united in pride.
A hero's return.
You know what that means, don't you? Year down the line, team captain on Hole In The Wall.
All these 5am sessions will start to make sense when you get in that silver jumpsuit.
My, my, look at you in the green room sharing gourmet crisps with Dominic Littlewood.
Ooh, Bombay mix, don't mind if I do! Oh, stitch, stitch, stitch.
GEORDIE ACCENTS We were going to go.
and catch a beautiful red mullet for our supper.
And cook it right here on the beach! But it's a bit choppy and I don't fancy it.
That's right, so I'm using my iPhone to book us a table at Rick Stein's place in Padstow.
But can they fit us in? It's pretty short notice! We're in! Oh! Get in! And what's more, dude, it's part of a hotel so we won't have to worry about driving.
Let's go for it! Come on! This store closes in five minutes.
Please bring all of your items to the till.
Oh, in the name of Beelzebub! One could hardly call this late night opening.
Darkness has been upon us for but an hour.
Hurry, my dear Horschstadt.
The shop wench regards me with "come hither" eyes.
Sad old perv.
Well? My goodness! You're right.
Something's missing.
I'm told the secret lies in the layering of many garments.
The chemise, is it not supposed to be tucked in? Well, apparently not.
On whose authority? Gok Wan.
Gok what? A gregarious sodomite of some repute.
I saw him on the television.
But, seriously, what do you think? Look, if we are to feed, then we must be more"hep".
Hip? I'm pretty sure they don't say that any more.
Well, aren't you even going to try something on? Horschstadt, I've been ravishing maidens in this very cloak since 1482.
Hey, guys! You're, umlooking good.
Yes, yes, good evening.
Thank you, yes.
Our work here is done.
We were just going to take a quick look in Next.
NoUrban Outfitters.
Urban Outfitters.
Oh, great, yeah, go for it.
Although you may want to try Camden Market, they've got more gothicky-type stuff.
Yes, I'm sure we shall do very well, thank you very much.
Anyway, better run.
Don't want to miss dinner, if you know what I mean.
Insufferable.
Though he did pull off the layered effect with some elan.
Now I think I know what was missing from my ensemble.
I'm not 100 per cent convinced, but if you say so.
Hold, hold, my dear! A startled fawn has just entered the darkling glade.
Right, come on, then, everybody out.
Let us strike like a bolt of lightning hurled from the blackest of skies.
WIND WHISTLES Madam, my friend has something he wishes to show you.
Agh! Come on! Get out! Come, come, come, dear companion.
Let us settle for these weeds, then find a quiet corner of Garfunkel's.
Meeting Mike's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh, shut up.
It is.
He knows it is.
Well, I suppose so.
Oh, hang on, you've got a We moved in together within what? Two weeks? Two weeks, yeah.
Two weeks.
We just do everything together, don't we? Cooking, shopping.
Gym.
Of course.
And the weird thing is Neither of us is gay.
It was weird, though, wasn't it? Yeah, I mean, they came right up to our window.
What, the monkeys? No way! Yeah, the hotel looked out onto these trees.
The monkeys would come right up - you had to be careful what you left out - they'd be, like, whoa! Oh, that sounds so nice.
Yeah, it was brilliant.
I'll bore you with the photos when you next come round.
Do, do, yeah.
Oh, God, Sam! You all right? Sam? Oh, God! Is there a doctor? Please? Sam! Oh, no! Oh, God! This isn't funny, but it did actually happen to a friend of mine, so If you've just joined us, it's a special edition of the programme today.
We've got live coverage of all the build-up to this afternoon's Royal wedding.
Time now to get the inside story from Royal expert, Terry Devlin.
Terry, it'sit's still relatively early in the day, but it looks as though everything's in full swing in central London.
Oh, you're absolutely right, Jeremy.
In fact, the revelry here started as early as last night as the guests very much arrived for an, if you like, eve of wedding party at Clarence House.
Stephen Fry, Will Young, Michael McIntyre, Leona Lewis, Jools Holland.
These just some of the names of people.
Yeah, and did you talk to any of the guests, Terry? Sanjeev Bhaskar, Mike Tindall, Rowan Atkinson, Lady Sarah Chatto, formerly Armstrong-Jones, the Sugababes, the Earl of Ulster, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Viscount Severn, Rory Bremner.
Just some further names of people, all of them no doubt wound up in the splendour of this, if one might call it, and it's by no means overstating it to do so, the latest of many, many weddings in the Royal House of Windsor.
Yeah, so just let me ask you Will everyone turn up? Peter Phillips, son of the Princess Royal, very much expected.
Terry Viscount Linley, offspring of the late Princess Margaret and Lord Snowdon.
And, of course, his Royal Highness, the Duke of Gloucester.
And Archbishop of Olomouc sadly won't be there on account of his having died in 1831.
Yeah But Princess Eugenie and her cadre of Royal bodyguards very much will be there.
Did I say Michael McIntyre? Yes, yes, you did.
What about the Prince? I imagine even you're not going to be getting too close to the groom, Terry? Well, on that score, I think it's safe to say that you are absolutely 110 per cent correct, Jeremy.
I shall be staying well away, giving the Prince and his immediate family, the Royal Family, the space that they need, in accordance with Royal protocol, and indeed not one but two restraining orders.
Oh, I am now being singled out for special singular attention by one of Her Majesty's constabularians.
I won't tell you again.
So you have no previous experience of running a school? Bull's-eye! Let's do this.
Snakes hear through their jaws.
With you.
Prince Charles doesn't know what he's talking about.
That's your opinion.
You can forget how to ride a bike.
Shit! Book me a refresher course.
Mr Stevenson and Mrs Hargreaves have been at it for months.
No way! The Vikings discovered America.
Fair enough.
Tom Cruise can move small objects with his mind.
Of course he can, dammit! I've got a note.
Not interested! Radiohead is becoming accessible again.
Yes, it is.
Vegetarians aren't cool any more.
I see.
There's a scrap on by the long jump pit.
Is there? Come on, team! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Visitors to the Boltraffio Gardens in Bologna might be forgiven for walking past this simple-looking fountain.
Not much to look at, perhaps, but in its design and mechanism it prefigures the achievements of Bernini by more than a century.
It is, of course, the work of a man whose name echoes down the centuries - Leonardo da Vinci.
And its value is absolutely beyond measure.
Not just an artist, or an engineer, Leonardo was a scientist before there were scientists.
A biologist, a physicist.
Many will have heard of his designs for helicopters and tanks, but few will be aware that he also catalogued chemical reactions and processes too.
That he was the first to make soap from olive oil.
And that he refined potassium from burnt wood and tree leaves.
And we know all this because he recorded all of his findings in meticulous detail here.
On numerous vellums made from a delicate paper he produced himself.
The detail, the sheer erudition recorded herein must render this artefact one of the most priceless in the whole of Europe.
Just take a look at this sketch.
FOUNTAIN GURGLES See how the French are using the natural cover of those rocks.
He's a clever one, this Captain Luchard.
Shall we engage, sir? Only if attacked directly.
This is a local quarrel and England's fortunes are furthered not a whit should we lose our heads.
No, I don't mind sitting this one out.
Gives us a chance to observe Frenchies' cannons in action, what? Indeed, sir.
CANNON FIRE Ah! There they go now.
CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE CAPTAIN BREAKS WIND Ah! Here we go again.
CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE CANNON FIRE No, you listen to me, OK? If you can't get it done by tomorrow, I'm going to come over there and I am, by God, going to stick it where the sun don't shine! Problem? Old dear next door has got a yucca plant needs moving into the shade.
It's quite heavy.
Is this stool free? Help yourself.
Ken! Ken! Over 'ere, Ken.
Angelina Ballerina, Phil, is that you? Yes, it's me.
What's going on? What's with all the cloak and dragon stuff? Come over here and I'll show you.
Here, look.
Have a Nicky Witchell at that.
That came in the post today.
China crisis! A red brushed-cotton Oxford pillowcase.
What's it mean? Nothing, that's just a sample I got from Beds Beds Beds.
Underneath.
Olympia Dukakis! A grey brushed-cotton Oxford pillow I'm still none the wiser.
It's bad, Ken, it's the classic augur of death in the world of wholesale bedding.
Somebody is out to get me.
Yeah, well, of course they are, Phil.
You can't run a multi-county franchise without rucking a few underlays along the way, but so what? You can't go on like this, this isn't living.
Your own flesh and blood not recognising you.
Look in the mirror, don't even know yourself.
You're right, Ken.
Oh, I tell you what, that is a relief.
Good to have you back, and besides, it could be a genuine mistake.
I remember when I first started out in the carpet game, I got sent a child's finger in the post.
It turns out there was a perfectly innocent explanation behind it.
Which was? I can't remember, but I can laugh about it now.
Well, this ain't no laughing matter, Ken.
I might not have made the bed, but sure as eggs is en Provence, I'm the one who's gonna have to lie in it.
Believe you me I you they them, Phil Cable, you can't run away from this, you've got to turn around and fight.
You're right, Ken.
It's dog eat dog out there.
In fact, it's worse than dog eat dog, it's dog leaves school at 14, dog boils beetroot for a living, dog runs market stall, dog climbs ladder of swords that is the retail bedding industry, dog accidentally upsets other dog, then dog threatens dog with a grey brushed-cotton Oxford pillowcase.
Tin Machine, Phil Cable, you are in a bad way.
Have you considered re-carpeting? What?! I know I should mind me own Ski Sundays, but the All Souls Claret can solve a great many of man's problems.
HE SHOOTS Agh! You all right, Phil? Mystery solved, Ken.
It was Terry Duvet, Dauphin Prince of the Duvet brothers dynasty.
I remember now.
He ordered 12 gross of orthopaedic, I sold him memory foam.
And you know the irony? If anything, they are actually better for your back.
It's time to roll down the blind and switch out the light.
It's curtains for Phil's Beds.
No, that's madness, Phil.
This is no time to be branching out.
No, you silly lump, there's nothing wrong with you.
You ought to have more faith in the good book.
That's what took your bullet.
Now, let's see who it was.
Yeah, you let me down, I'll remember that.
You let me down, won't forget that.
You let me down, won't forget that.
Ah, would you look at that, I might have known! Executive Parsley! Aye, that is a hard-wearing weave.
Job done.
Tell you what, I'll smooth things over with Terry, send him a complimentary cheval mirror with luxury bevelling.
That ought to do it.
Now, I'm going to treat you to a J2O.
Oh, Phil Cable, you ruin me! Gentlemen, our orders have changed.
Are ye of a mind to fight? ALL: Arrh! It seems we have women aboard.
Was that a crowd of women shouting? I said, are ye of a mind to fight? Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Arrrh! Again! Oh, I'm hearing Terry Devlin is back with us now.
Terry, very quickly, Royal honeymoon plans? Oh, well, Jeremy, like many a groom before him, the Prince will have tried to keep this a secret from his Royal bride, but I can tell you this - he will have had the option of choosing from any number of favoured Royal destinations.
The Maldives, Mustique, Madeira, Malta, the Falkland Isles, the Isle of Wight, Balmoral, the Royal County of Berkshire, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Dubai, or, indeed, any of the many, many, many holiday destinations that do exist within the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, or, indeed, the Right, I've warned you! Arrgh! UmTerry Devlin there, our Royal Correspondent.
Now, more news on those dreadful Californian mud slides.
Is he OK? Is he? Yeah, I mean, I suppose it is a bit weird, but, you know, we just all really get on.
Er Yeah, I get on great with Chrisum, I've no problem whatsoever with the whole Fiona thing, and, um, you know, Fiona gets on great with Hermione, so WOMEN: Who's Hermione? Ah, Barraclough! Perhaps you'd be so good as to allow me to accompany you.
Um Actually, I think I might go for a stroll out on deck, sir.
Here we are, then.
Oh, yeah, this is great.
Yes, sorry about the mess, we had a party here yesterday, as you can see.
It was absolute mayhem.
I can see.
And I gather you're going to be doing a similar sort of thing? Yes, my little boy's tenth birthday, so I thought I'd do something a little bit special.
Oh, lovely.
Sorry, do you mind if I sort of? No, no, no, by all means.
Now, we can do the tables like this, or some people prefer Oliver, will you stop being such a spoilt little shit! I've spent a lot of money today.
Stop crying and go and dance with your sister.
You're making me look like a bad parent.
No, I like it, it's very, um It's got a lovely ambience, hasn't it? What is the hire? Er It's £100 for the room and then an extra £20 for use of the kitchen, for drinks and so forth.
I'll probably just do a sort of drinks table over here.
Yeah.
This is good, isn't it.
Yes, it's a good sized stage for the room, yeah.
Hey! That was great, wasn't it, everyone? Yeah.
Not 200 quid's worth of great, though, was it, mate? Yeah? Well, do some balloon animals or something.
Oh, shut up.
Don't you push me.
Yeah? Not so magic now, are you, Molenzo? No, I like it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So shall we take a look at the kitchen, or? Yup.
Umyes.
Just through here.
It's fairly basic, but it's Oh! Look, boys and girls, it's the wicked witch of the west London.
No.
No, he is not leaving.
He is staying here and enjoying the party that I have thrown for him because I love him! Getoff! Oh, brilliant! That's the cake ruined! Congratulations, Sandra, brilliant! Do you want some birthday cake, Oliver? Yeah? You want some happy birthday cake? Ollie! Come back.
I'm sorry.
Jessica Sandra Don't take them! Please don't take my children! No-o-o-o-o-o-o! Um, sorry, actually I I know what you're going through, because, umlast year my ex and I had It's perfect! So, do I pay a deposit, or, er? Oh, you've got a piano! MUSIC: "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin You can't go wrong with gold bullion.
Received.
Everyone loves their own farts.
Good.
I'm carrying a piece.
With you.
E=MC squared.
Prove it.
London's the loneliest place in the world.
Spot-on.
No-one watches snooker any more.
Uh-huh.
We're all out of cheese flan.
Well done.
Your mum's a tramp.
What's your source? Um, your dad.
Good work.
No-one knows where Malta is.
Sure.
They want you on board at Henchman and Co.
Oh, yes! What's that? My resignation.
But you've only just I'm out of my bloody depth, man! Eine minuten, bitte.
Danke schon.
Ich brauche einen Fernsprecher, bitte.
Danke.
PHONE RINGS Listen very carefully, I haven't got much time.
Good God, man! GUN SAFETY CATCH What's this? Possibly the single biggest intelligence coup of the war.
It seems there's a dark secret lurking at the heart of the Nazi state.
A secret which in the right hands just might turn the tide of the war.
Who else has seen this? No-one, sir.
Enderby rang it through from Austria about 20 minutes ago.
Rang it through? I fear he shan't be coming back.
But this is dynamite.
"Hitlerone ball.
"Goering, two, but small.
"Himmler similar.
"Goebbels, no balls at all.
" I think you know what to do with this, Walduck.
What do you want? A song.
You lot, you think this stuff grows on trees.
You wanted bawdy barrack-room ditties to raise morale.
I poured out my soul.
"Goering's prick is full of diseases, "that's why he has to piss with tweezers.
" I remember the songs, Harold.
But they had a crucial flaw.
They were always based on speculation.
This time it's different.
Get me my old piano.
MUMBLES WORDS HUMS Ah! One ball! If Hannibal had many balls up in the air, there'd da da da da Can't have Hannibal.
Hannibal, that's not going to work! The testes, testes The Fuhrer has only one.
It's no use! It's no use! TRAIN HOOTS PLAYS COLONEL BOGEY TUNE # Hitler has only got one ball Goering has two, but very small # Himmler has something sim-lar And poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.
Gentlemen I think we've just won ourselves a war.
Bravo! Bravo! HE TAPS CODE BEEPING Churchill hast eine massive cock! Nein, nein! Haben ein grossen Kockendick? Das ist gut, nein?