The Big C (2010) s03e05 Episode Script
Face Off
Previously on The Big C: Joy Kleinman, life coach, cancer survivor, and joyologist.
- Your blog is inspirational.
- Thank you.
Paul Jamison How 'bout coming up here and sharing your story with us? I was dead for three minutes.
There was this light.
I think it's all around us.
[Applause.]
The next time, you get paid for that gold.
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
Huh.
- I'm Jessie.
- Adam.
My parents just told me they want to adopt a baby, which is, like, totally insane.
Having faith means God's watching out for you.
Apparently nobody wants to give a kid to the cancer lady.
If you really want something, you don't ask for it.
You demand it.
Did you go on my blog last night and post about how we wanted a baby? - I did.
- Well, this guy just wrote me, and his wife's pregnant.
Oh, they want-- they want to meet us! They-- [Laughs.]
[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life Some pregnant women crave pickles.
I just am guzzling water.
It's like I'm creating a sponge baby.
Cathy just got incredibly gassy her third trimester.
Remember that, honey? Human Hindenburg, but I loved being pregnant.
Unlike most things that involve discomfort, you actually--you end up with something you want.
I'm sorry.
That was insensitive.
It's fine, really.
We're--we're fine about giving up the baby.
Some women always know that they want to have kids, and I always knew that I didn't.
Yeah, same, and if anything, the pregnancy really confirmed that for us.
Yeah.
Also taught us not to use cheap condoms.
You can put that in your blog.
- [Chuckles.]
- You know, I think I might.
I've got to tell you, Paul, we think your blog is really cool.
I mean, it's just, like, you on a computer screen, like, the way you put your whole life out there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
You know, I-I don't know.
I guess I just write with what's left of my heart.
[Laughter.]
Well, it makes you all really familiar.
I mean, the fact that you have cancer and Yeah Why are you okay with that? My mom had cancer when I was a kid, and I just hated how people wrote her off.
She's still here.
Well, she's not here, she's in Arizona-- or on the phone, gently suggesting how we should live our lives.
Um, but Well, we should tell you something.
Okay.
We've been in town for a few days Meeting with another couple we're just considering as adoptive parents.
That'sMakes sense.
- I get that.
- Yeah.
That you'dbe talking to someone else.
Yeah, yeah, he's an engineer, she's in P.
R.
They're kind of young.
Likewhat? Early 30s.
Yeah.
But they have no kids, and we like the fact that you have a kid.
I mean, you've had practice.
Oh, boy, have we had practice.
- Here's our practice kid.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- Wow.
- [Laughs.]
- He looks like a total jock.
Oh, absolutely, he's very athletic.
- Oh, man, soccer, soccer.
- Soccer was fall, Paul.
- And hockey, hockey.
- And now it's-- - Now it's hockey.
- Now it's hockey.
We'd like to meet him before we go back home, if you guys aren't too busy.
No, no, no, tomorrow night? - Yeah.
- 6:00? They're talking to a younger couple? What kind of a bomb is that to drop? How are we supposed to compete with "younger"? Well, we're gonna kill 'em in the brains and talent competition, first of all.
- Seriously, Paul.
- Seriously? We're going to play the parent card.
Adam is our ace in the hole, honey.
That is how we're going to vanquish this younger, childless couple.
- Screw 'em.
- You know, you're right.
If we can just get him involved in all this, then Dave and Maxine, they will meet him.
They will see what great parents we are.
Nine days out of ten.
But I'm gonna need your help deep-cleaning the house.
It would be nice if it smelled a little less like socks.
Honey, I am all about helping, but I have to rehearse.
I'm opening for Joy tomorrow night, remember? My first official gig.
My name's on the website and everything.
Traffic on the blog is going through the frickin' roof.
That chick is a rainmaker, I'm telling you.
That is great, Paul, but this adoption just turned into a contest, and we are in it to win it.
[Distant screeching.]
[Knock at door.]
Maybe one day you'll actually wait till I say "Come in" before you come in.
[Continued sound effects.]
Sounds like fun.
What is it? It's like a car race plus killing zombies.
Ah, well, after you're finished killing zombies, how'd you like to kill some dust in here? Just swiffer some surfaces, and make sure you're cleaned up and home by 6:00.
The couple who's giving us their baby, they're coming for a visit.
Why? To meet you.
[Laughing nervously.]
Since you're the only example of our parenting skills.
They'll love you, and also feel free to invite Mia.
- They'll love her too.
- Yeah, uh - We broke up.
- You did? Wh why don't I know this? I should know this.
I-is there anything you want to ask me about the adoption? You know, before you meet Dave and Maxine-- Mom, if you really cared what I thought, you would have talked to me before you started this whole thing.
Okay, I like this one a lot, but I want you to be honest.
How about "Reach for the light?" No? Okay, this is a little corny, but sometimes, we need a little cheese to bring them in.
"Heaven sent me.
" Look, I'm not looking for a standing o, Ababuo, but I can't even tell if you're fucking breathing or not.
Are you breathing? Hey.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your a-hole and tell you that these lines are great.
As your new personal assistant- slash-style maker, it's my job to help you find the ideal catchphrase for your brand.
We just haven't found it yet.
Ababuo, we just haven't found my "Where's the beef?" yet, but we will.
I don't know what beef you're talking about, but if you don't walk out on stage looking good, no one's going to listen to you anyway.
Stand up straight.
Now suck in From your chest to the top of your belt.
Do it.
[Hoarsely.]
I am.
Oh, shit, dude.
Look, it's all this blogging, okay? It's very sedentary activity.
I might have put on a few pounds.
I'm not feeling that great about my silhouette right now, so can we just, you know, stick to the task at hand? Oh, hey, Mrs.
J.
I'm sorry about those baby parents going all ageist on you.
It's not fair to compare you to some younger mama.
I mean, everybody knows that blonde ladies don't age well.
Good to know.
Paul, how done is that to-do list I gave you? Inside list is done, and I swear to God, the outside list will be finished before we leave, but honey, how's this grab you? "Paul Power.
" Meh.
Fuck me with a stick.
- Are the index cards on stage? - Check.
The water-- the water's out there? Check.
[Door opening.]
T minus 15, full house.
You ready, Paul? - Hi, Joy.
- Oh, he's ready.
And you are? I don't think I've ever introduced you to my wonderful assistant, Ababuo.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi--uh? [Laughs.]
I like your style.
I also read your books.
Keep doing what you're doing and you could be the white Oprah.
Or as I say, "Oprah who?" Ha! [Chuckles.]
Soany nerves? Eh, a little excess adrenaline.
Remember that nervousness is excitement turned inward.
You have to use that.
And breathe deeply.
Keep breathing, because it relaxes the body.
Deepak taught me that.
- [Exhaling heavily.]
- All right, then - On stage in ten.
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, and Ababuo, why don't you grab one of my lipsticks before you leave? It'll really make your eyes pop! [Sighs.]
You see? I mean, that's what people want to see on stage.
- Personality, charisma - Expensive extensions.
Yeah, but what if I don't have that? Look, Mr.
J, I got you a secret weapon.
Is that for the baby? That's so nice.
No, it's for you.
It's a compression t-shirt.
It's like man spanx-- guaranteed to make you look thinner and put the lean back in your mean.
What the fuck is next, a sports bra? Yes, Kevin, you have been bad.
You've been, um You've been very bad, you've--ooh, you have been bad.
Bad boy, yeah.
You like that, Kevin? Wrong answer! [Laughs.]
Uh, here's your orders, Kevin.
I want you to come.
Yes, now.
Come, Kevin, come! Whoa.
[Mouthing words.]
Oh, yeah, awesome.
Have a hot day.
[Bluetooth beeps.]
What in the name of Rosacea have you done to your face? I know, I know.
I went to get a facial.
They talked me into a glycolic peel.
They said it would make me look five years younger with no side effects, but it feels kind of hot, though.
Ooh, God, I could roast marshmallows off it.
The Coopers are talking to another couple - In their 30s.
- Oh, yeah.
Society's cruel infatuation with youth.
You can't fight it, my aging sister.
But there is a baby at stake who I know will thrive in this house and help me thrive if Dave and Maxine will just pick us.
So what's next, a facelift? Eye job? You gonna address your neck wattle for good measure? Okay, I don't care if this kid grows up calling me grandma once it's here, but tonight is all about winning, which is going to be tricky with my face looking like this and the kid I already have barely talking to me.
Did you know that Adam broke up with Mia? Totally.
He tells me everything.
- Really? - Mm.
I need to talk to him, and he needs to get ready for tonight.
He's hosting his church group Chez my place.
It is crawling with holy rollers, which is why I have temporarily moved my base of operations over here.
Wait, he's hosting these things now? Yup, and there's some hot chicks in that group too.
Turns out God is good.
Yes, Jessie got it right.
Nailed it.
Forget the old perspective, you know? Seriously, from now on, half-empty becomes half-full.
And it's like your whole world changes.
It stops sucking, and you have the energy to actually learn from God's challenges, instead of feeling-- - Hosed? - Yeah.
God does not want you to feel hosed, Adam.
[Door opening.]
Whoa.
[Door slamming shut.]
Sorry.
I didn't realize there was a "partay" going on in here.
I'm Adam's mom from across the street.
I just came to get Adam and bring him home, where he's supposed to be, so Hi, everyone.
[Various greetings.]
Hey, Ms.
Jamison.
I'm Jessie Adam's girlfriend.
Nice to meet you, Adam's new girlfriend.
I'm glad you're here, Ms.
Jamison.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
What are you doing and what happened to your face? It's fine.
It's justmy attempt to look good for the Coopers.
Remember them? They're going to be at our house in an hour to meet you, so you need to come with me.
Hey, I'm pastor Rick.
Grab a chair, take a load off.
I really don't have the time.
Maybe another time.
Well, you'd be welcome.
We do this every week.
Just check in with each other, kick back, enjoy fellowship and some food.
A little small talk, a little scripture.
You know, I don't know very much about scripture.
Is there anything along the lines of "The son will do what the mom asks, so as not to stress her out even more"? God, mom, seriously? Yeah, yeah, I mean I hear you, Mrs.
Jamison, but sometimes a kid just needs a little room-- I'm pretty sure I know what my son needs.
And right now, he needs to come home.
We have a lot on our collective plate.
Well, you've got to remember, God never gives us more than we can handle.
Uh-huh.
You agree with that? Adam? Adam.
Adam! [Applause.]
Hello, Minneapolis.
[Applause.]
I'm Paul Jamison, and you are a whole lot of people.
Ha ha! Who are here to be inspired, maybe even by me.
Well I'm just a guy who happened to kick the bucket and bounce back, thanks to something that I callPaul Power.
And The day that I died, I learned that the important thing, it wasn't to go toward the light, but to wake up and reach for the light.
[Man coughing.]
Reach for it.
I feel like I don't know who you are.
You haven't exactly kept me in the loop about your church, your new girlfriend? - This is bullshit.
- Excuse me? Mom, the only reason you care now is so you'll seem like some super-mom for those people tonight.
You want to trot me out like a circus act, - and I'm not going to do it.
- I want you to be involved.
No, you don't.
You just want us to seem like some lame, happy family for Dave and what's-her-name so they'll give you their kid.
Just focus on yourself and stop judging my friends.
- I'm not judging anyone.
- I saw you, mom.
And what makes it really lousy is that they're the only people who make me feel like it's okay to be myself these days.
They're nice to me, and not because they need something.
Maybe you just have something against God.
I don't.
I don't.
I just I want you to be smart about what you believe in.
It's one of the things I love about you.
You're smart.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am smart.
Smart enough to know that you shouldn't be adopting a baby when you have cancer.
But I had to learn that no doctor could write a prescription for my life Or for anything, for that matter-- Fuck it.
It's so fucking hot up here.
It's hotter than fucking Guam.
You'd have to be embalmed not to sweat under these fucking lights.
[Laughter.]
Maybe it's my compression shirt.
Okay, full disclosure: I'm wearing a compression shirt.
Isn't it sexy? [Laughter.]
You know, and it feels like a fucking anaconda.
Oh, God.
Or maybe it's Oh, shit.
Maybe it's a little good, old-fashioned arrhythmia.
Oh, boy, you guys are getting the whole show today, aren't you? Well, anybody who reads my blog knows what happens next.
Ababuo? Ababuo? Oh, my God.
My lovely assistant, Ababuo, will now determine whether my heart needs to be jolted back to normalcy.
[Electronic beeping.]
- It does.
- Shit.
Okay, don't panic, everybody.
This is going to feel even worse than it looks.
All right.
[Breathing hard.]
One, two, three, go.
[Electronic beeping, thump.]
[Audience crying out.]
Oh, cut the lights.
Cut the lights.
[Audience talking indistinctly.]
I'm okay.
Turn on the lights.
Flip the switch.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Flip the switch, it's okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Oh, sorry that you had to see that.
[Groans.]
That wasweird and scary, and not a little embarrassing for me, so I apologize for that.
But Well, it's also-- it's-- I guess it's living proof that, when your life gets dark, you can you can flip a switch and-- and--and things can get better.
And that's a really powerful metaphor.
I mean, we all love to blame all these outside forces in our life for the things that make us miserable.
But the truth is that, the secret to making things better on the outside is just to flip that switch that's on the inside.
And we've all got that switch.
There's not one person in this room that doesn't have the power to make a positive choice, right? To imagine a better life.
All we need to do is flip that switch and decide we want to let go of all that crap that's been holding us back.
You know, matter of fact, Mr.
House-Light Man, can you turn on all the lights? Can you turn on the house lights so that I can see everybody? Okay, just go with me on this.
You know what we're going to do? We're gonna flip that switch.
You wake up in the morning dreading the day? Flip that switch.
You can't afford your mortgage, your car payment, your wife's adult braces, so what do you do? Flip that switch! [Laughter.]
That's right, buddy.
Flip that switch.
Decide you're gonna love those sexy, crooked teeth.
[Laughter.]
Sad about the past? All: Flip that switch! Scared about the future? Flip that goddamn switch.
All: Flip that switch! [Cheers and applause.]
Are you ready to love your life? All: Flip that switch! [Clapping and chanting.]
Flip that switch! [Clicks tongue.]
It's getting worse.
Yeah, second degree burns tend to creep up on you.
This green stuff's supposed to make it look less red.
I just--I don't want the Coopers to know.
Well, they won't-- if they're blind.
When are they supposed to be here? [Nervous laugh.]
15 minutes.
Oh, I hate to heap more tragedy on you, but this just in: You got a repulsive blister, - right here, 3:00.
- Oh, my God.
Better slap a band-aid on that sucker stat.
[Phone rings.]
Yeah, you're on with Willy.
Yeah, buddy, your dirty wish is my command.
Uh-huh.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Panicked yelp.]
Oh, welcome! You're early.
That's great! - Come on in.
- Fast bus, not bad manners.
[Laughs.]
Is your face okay there? Oh.
Yes, it's, uh A little reaction to a lotion.
And a cat scratch from theneighbor - Let me take your coat.
- Oh, sure, thanks.
- Thank you.
- Just make yourselves at home.
- Paul is on his way.
- That's okay.
Oh.
I'm trying to pick a new color.
I had an easier time picking a college.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, I like being in you too.
Yeah, here comes the donkey punch! Oh, yeah! Ohh! Oh, that's just-- just my brother.
That made it sound even worse, didn't it? After a few months, we'd move the baby from our bedroom into here, which will look a lot less fashion school and more nursery school.
- Promise.
- It's perfect.
Yeah, your whole house, it's in great shape.
I mean, the kitchen tile, the wainscoting, even the grout-- you can see the craftsmanship.
Talking contractor speak again.
He means you have a very pretty house.
Yeah, newer construction just doesn't hold up like this.
Let's hear it for old.
[Laughter.]
- Well, there's more to see.
- Good.
We're just sorry to miss Adam.
Oh, yeah, who knew that study groups have emergency meetings? It must be test season or something.
Adam, you're back.
Great.
Wow, the hockey player.
Hey, I'm Dave.
I'm Adam.
Nice to meet you guys.
Maxine.
You have your dad's eyes.
Well, I hope not.
He still needs them.
[Laughs nervously.]
Well, look, we-- we know you're busy, - so we won't bother you.
- Oh, no.
No, I have all the time in the world, you know, if you guys-- you guys wanna talk.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
Awesome.
Do you mind, mom? No.
Great.
Step in my room.
- Cool.
- Thank you.
[Door closing.]
- [Sighs.]
- It's crazy.
I used to celebrate with a double Martini.
Now it's all about the kale.
[Glass clicking.]
Huh.
You know what they say about kale.
- Mm-mm.
- "Kale: It's the new spinach.
" - [Muffled chuckle.]
- [Laughs.]
You know what happened out there, don't you, Paul? I almost drowned in my own sweat.
Sure, you stumbled, but, uh I believe that a great recovery is the sign of a great performer, and that was by far the best recovery I have ever seen.
- You were amazing out there.
- Oh.
Shapewear mishaps aside, I did sort of start to find my own voice a little bit, you know? And the catchphrase of the year.
That is a gift.
I mean, I think you should really think about seeing your potential in a much, much bigger way.
What would you say to being my regular number two? I think I need you to clarify that a little bit.
I want us to be a team.
I bring in the women and you bring in their husbands.
Oh.
I mean, that is a demographic I have never been able to submit.
Do you know, about eight guys came up to me afterwards to check out my fob.
Us men, we can't get enough of the gadgets, you know? Well, I'm about to go on tour--Wisconsin, Illinois.
You could join me as the "flip that switch" guy.
Now, you don't have to answer right now.
- Just think about it.
- Yes! - Oh! - Yes! - Great.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Oh, God, I am starving.
Why don't we go get a bite and we'll talk about the tour dates? Oh, God.
There's nothing I'd rather do, but I'm already late.
I promised Cathy that I'd meet this couple whose baby we're thinking about adopting.
Oh.
Wow.
- Exciting, right? - Yeah.
Cathy actually got the idea at your workshop.
A baby! Wow, that's really gonna complicate things.
Oh, no, well, she's feeling great, you know? And her scans are fantastic.
No, no, I'm talking about the fact that your career's about to take off.
I mean, if I were you, I would just--I'd think about it, make sure that it's something that, you know, you really want.
Oh.
Oh, oh, no.
Yeah, but--look, maybe the timing isn't perfect, but I really want it.
I mean, I do.
I re--I really want it.
I-I do really want it.
I'm insane if I think I can save this evening with pie.
Mm-hmm.
[Door opening.]
Whoa.
What's wrong with your face? It's past 6:00.
You're late.
Seriously, what's wrong with your face? Honey, I am so sorry we are late, but I am happy to report that, after nearly being murdered by a girdle on stage Both: I flipped that switch! Honey, got all these other gigs from Joy, which means some serious bank.
It is all good, let me tell you.
It's very, very good.
Except for your face.
I had a minor treatment, okay? And, no, it is not all good, Paul.
Dave and Maxine have been upstairs talking to Adam for the last half hour.
That's perfect, he's our excellent parenting resume.
- Not according to him.
- Hey, Paul.
Buddy, I am so sorry that we are late.
I had this speech thing that turned into this meeting thing.
- Hi, Maxine.
- Manners, Mr.
J.
I'm so sorry.
Maxine, Dave, this is my executive assistant, Ababuo.
Ababuo is living with us like family.
You know, not our family, but just--oh, that didn't come out right.
No.
My parents are working in Africa, and I'm staying here until they get back.
Tea? Pie? How'd your talk with Adam go? Um, we know how nerve-racking this whole process has been, and we don't want to drag it out.
Yeah, especially since, you know, we've been meeting with another couple.
Which is totally fine.
We were just hoping Adam would have a few things to say about growing up here.
And he was very honest with us.
Yeah, I mean, he's an amazing young man And he is gonna be a terrific big brother to this baby.
[Laughter.]
Am I allowed to eat like I'm about to have a baby, or do I actually have to be pregnant? You eat whatever you want, as long as I can too.
This is really happening, isn't it? I think we learned something very important today.
Despite our advancing age, my gut, and your face, we are still a very attractive couple.
[Laughs.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, bud.
Or should I say, hey, soon-to-be wonderful big brother? You want to join us for a big slice of pie or a little sip of wine? We're celebrating.
Uh, no, no, I'm good.
I just called Uncle Sean.
I'm going to be staying over there for a few days.
- Why? - Just to chill.
Adam I'm sorry About our fight today.
If you're still mad-- No, mom, I'm fine.
I did what you wanted me to do, talked to those people.
I told them you're a great mom.
I lied.
Good news is, we get to have another one of those.
Way to flip that switch, Cath.
- Your blog is inspirational.
- Thank you.
Paul Jamison How 'bout coming up here and sharing your story with us? I was dead for three minutes.
There was this light.
I think it's all around us.
[Applause.]
The next time, you get paid for that gold.
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
Huh.
- I'm Jessie.
- Adam.
My parents just told me they want to adopt a baby, which is, like, totally insane.
Having faith means God's watching out for you.
Apparently nobody wants to give a kid to the cancer lady.
If you really want something, you don't ask for it.
You demand it.
Did you go on my blog last night and post about how we wanted a baby? - I did.
- Well, this guy just wrote me, and his wife's pregnant.
Oh, they want-- they want to meet us! They-- [Laughs.]
[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life Some pregnant women crave pickles.
I just am guzzling water.
It's like I'm creating a sponge baby.
Cathy just got incredibly gassy her third trimester.
Remember that, honey? Human Hindenburg, but I loved being pregnant.
Unlike most things that involve discomfort, you actually--you end up with something you want.
I'm sorry.
That was insensitive.
It's fine, really.
We're--we're fine about giving up the baby.
Some women always know that they want to have kids, and I always knew that I didn't.
Yeah, same, and if anything, the pregnancy really confirmed that for us.
Yeah.
Also taught us not to use cheap condoms.
You can put that in your blog.
- [Chuckles.]
- You know, I think I might.
I've got to tell you, Paul, we think your blog is really cool.
I mean, it's just, like, you on a computer screen, like, the way you put your whole life out there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
You know, I-I don't know.
I guess I just write with what's left of my heart.
[Laughter.]
Well, it makes you all really familiar.
I mean, the fact that you have cancer and Yeah Why are you okay with that? My mom had cancer when I was a kid, and I just hated how people wrote her off.
She's still here.
Well, she's not here, she's in Arizona-- or on the phone, gently suggesting how we should live our lives.
Um, but Well, we should tell you something.
Okay.
We've been in town for a few days Meeting with another couple we're just considering as adoptive parents.
That'sMakes sense.
- I get that.
- Yeah.
That you'dbe talking to someone else.
Yeah, yeah, he's an engineer, she's in P.
R.
They're kind of young.
Likewhat? Early 30s.
Yeah.
But they have no kids, and we like the fact that you have a kid.
I mean, you've had practice.
Oh, boy, have we had practice.
- Here's our practice kid.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- Wow.
- [Laughs.]
- He looks like a total jock.
Oh, absolutely, he's very athletic.
- Oh, man, soccer, soccer.
- Soccer was fall, Paul.
- And hockey, hockey.
- And now it's-- - Now it's hockey.
- Now it's hockey.
We'd like to meet him before we go back home, if you guys aren't too busy.
No, no, no, tomorrow night? - Yeah.
- 6:00? They're talking to a younger couple? What kind of a bomb is that to drop? How are we supposed to compete with "younger"? Well, we're gonna kill 'em in the brains and talent competition, first of all.
- Seriously, Paul.
- Seriously? We're going to play the parent card.
Adam is our ace in the hole, honey.
That is how we're going to vanquish this younger, childless couple.
- Screw 'em.
- You know, you're right.
If we can just get him involved in all this, then Dave and Maxine, they will meet him.
They will see what great parents we are.
Nine days out of ten.
But I'm gonna need your help deep-cleaning the house.
It would be nice if it smelled a little less like socks.
Honey, I am all about helping, but I have to rehearse.
I'm opening for Joy tomorrow night, remember? My first official gig.
My name's on the website and everything.
Traffic on the blog is going through the frickin' roof.
That chick is a rainmaker, I'm telling you.
That is great, Paul, but this adoption just turned into a contest, and we are in it to win it.
[Distant screeching.]
[Knock at door.]
Maybe one day you'll actually wait till I say "Come in" before you come in.
[Continued sound effects.]
Sounds like fun.
What is it? It's like a car race plus killing zombies.
Ah, well, after you're finished killing zombies, how'd you like to kill some dust in here? Just swiffer some surfaces, and make sure you're cleaned up and home by 6:00.
The couple who's giving us their baby, they're coming for a visit.
Why? To meet you.
[Laughing nervously.]
Since you're the only example of our parenting skills.
They'll love you, and also feel free to invite Mia.
- They'll love her too.
- Yeah, uh - We broke up.
- You did? Wh why don't I know this? I should know this.
I-is there anything you want to ask me about the adoption? You know, before you meet Dave and Maxine-- Mom, if you really cared what I thought, you would have talked to me before you started this whole thing.
Okay, I like this one a lot, but I want you to be honest.
How about "Reach for the light?" No? Okay, this is a little corny, but sometimes, we need a little cheese to bring them in.
"Heaven sent me.
" Look, I'm not looking for a standing o, Ababuo, but I can't even tell if you're fucking breathing or not.
Are you breathing? Hey.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your a-hole and tell you that these lines are great.
As your new personal assistant- slash-style maker, it's my job to help you find the ideal catchphrase for your brand.
We just haven't found it yet.
Ababuo, we just haven't found my "Where's the beef?" yet, but we will.
I don't know what beef you're talking about, but if you don't walk out on stage looking good, no one's going to listen to you anyway.
Stand up straight.
Now suck in From your chest to the top of your belt.
Do it.
[Hoarsely.]
I am.
Oh, shit, dude.
Look, it's all this blogging, okay? It's very sedentary activity.
I might have put on a few pounds.
I'm not feeling that great about my silhouette right now, so can we just, you know, stick to the task at hand? Oh, hey, Mrs.
J.
I'm sorry about those baby parents going all ageist on you.
It's not fair to compare you to some younger mama.
I mean, everybody knows that blonde ladies don't age well.
Good to know.
Paul, how done is that to-do list I gave you? Inside list is done, and I swear to God, the outside list will be finished before we leave, but honey, how's this grab you? "Paul Power.
" Meh.
Fuck me with a stick.
- Are the index cards on stage? - Check.
The water-- the water's out there? Check.
[Door opening.]
T minus 15, full house.
You ready, Paul? - Hi, Joy.
- Oh, he's ready.
And you are? I don't think I've ever introduced you to my wonderful assistant, Ababuo.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi--uh? [Laughs.]
I like your style.
I also read your books.
Keep doing what you're doing and you could be the white Oprah.
Or as I say, "Oprah who?" Ha! [Chuckles.]
Soany nerves? Eh, a little excess adrenaline.
Remember that nervousness is excitement turned inward.
You have to use that.
And breathe deeply.
Keep breathing, because it relaxes the body.
Deepak taught me that.
- [Exhaling heavily.]
- All right, then - On stage in ten.
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, and Ababuo, why don't you grab one of my lipsticks before you leave? It'll really make your eyes pop! [Sighs.]
You see? I mean, that's what people want to see on stage.
- Personality, charisma - Expensive extensions.
Yeah, but what if I don't have that? Look, Mr.
J, I got you a secret weapon.
Is that for the baby? That's so nice.
No, it's for you.
It's a compression t-shirt.
It's like man spanx-- guaranteed to make you look thinner and put the lean back in your mean.
What the fuck is next, a sports bra? Yes, Kevin, you have been bad.
You've been, um You've been very bad, you've--ooh, you have been bad.
Bad boy, yeah.
You like that, Kevin? Wrong answer! [Laughs.]
Uh, here's your orders, Kevin.
I want you to come.
Yes, now.
Come, Kevin, come! Whoa.
[Mouthing words.]
Oh, yeah, awesome.
Have a hot day.
[Bluetooth beeps.]
What in the name of Rosacea have you done to your face? I know, I know.
I went to get a facial.
They talked me into a glycolic peel.
They said it would make me look five years younger with no side effects, but it feels kind of hot, though.
Ooh, God, I could roast marshmallows off it.
The Coopers are talking to another couple - In their 30s.
- Oh, yeah.
Society's cruel infatuation with youth.
You can't fight it, my aging sister.
But there is a baby at stake who I know will thrive in this house and help me thrive if Dave and Maxine will just pick us.
So what's next, a facelift? Eye job? You gonna address your neck wattle for good measure? Okay, I don't care if this kid grows up calling me grandma once it's here, but tonight is all about winning, which is going to be tricky with my face looking like this and the kid I already have barely talking to me.
Did you know that Adam broke up with Mia? Totally.
He tells me everything.
- Really? - Mm.
I need to talk to him, and he needs to get ready for tonight.
He's hosting his church group Chez my place.
It is crawling with holy rollers, which is why I have temporarily moved my base of operations over here.
Wait, he's hosting these things now? Yup, and there's some hot chicks in that group too.
Turns out God is good.
Yes, Jessie got it right.
Nailed it.
Forget the old perspective, you know? Seriously, from now on, half-empty becomes half-full.
And it's like your whole world changes.
It stops sucking, and you have the energy to actually learn from God's challenges, instead of feeling-- - Hosed? - Yeah.
God does not want you to feel hosed, Adam.
[Door opening.]
Whoa.
[Door slamming shut.]
Sorry.
I didn't realize there was a "partay" going on in here.
I'm Adam's mom from across the street.
I just came to get Adam and bring him home, where he's supposed to be, so Hi, everyone.
[Various greetings.]
Hey, Ms.
Jamison.
I'm Jessie Adam's girlfriend.
Nice to meet you, Adam's new girlfriend.
I'm glad you're here, Ms.
Jamison.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
What are you doing and what happened to your face? It's fine.
It's justmy attempt to look good for the Coopers.
Remember them? They're going to be at our house in an hour to meet you, so you need to come with me.
Hey, I'm pastor Rick.
Grab a chair, take a load off.
I really don't have the time.
Maybe another time.
Well, you'd be welcome.
We do this every week.
Just check in with each other, kick back, enjoy fellowship and some food.
A little small talk, a little scripture.
You know, I don't know very much about scripture.
Is there anything along the lines of "The son will do what the mom asks, so as not to stress her out even more"? God, mom, seriously? Yeah, yeah, I mean I hear you, Mrs.
Jamison, but sometimes a kid just needs a little room-- I'm pretty sure I know what my son needs.
And right now, he needs to come home.
We have a lot on our collective plate.
Well, you've got to remember, God never gives us more than we can handle.
Uh-huh.
You agree with that? Adam? Adam.
Adam! [Applause.]
Hello, Minneapolis.
[Applause.]
I'm Paul Jamison, and you are a whole lot of people.
Ha ha! Who are here to be inspired, maybe even by me.
Well I'm just a guy who happened to kick the bucket and bounce back, thanks to something that I callPaul Power.
And The day that I died, I learned that the important thing, it wasn't to go toward the light, but to wake up and reach for the light.
[Man coughing.]
Reach for it.
I feel like I don't know who you are.
You haven't exactly kept me in the loop about your church, your new girlfriend? - This is bullshit.
- Excuse me? Mom, the only reason you care now is so you'll seem like some super-mom for those people tonight.
You want to trot me out like a circus act, - and I'm not going to do it.
- I want you to be involved.
No, you don't.
You just want us to seem like some lame, happy family for Dave and what's-her-name so they'll give you their kid.
Just focus on yourself and stop judging my friends.
- I'm not judging anyone.
- I saw you, mom.
And what makes it really lousy is that they're the only people who make me feel like it's okay to be myself these days.
They're nice to me, and not because they need something.
Maybe you just have something against God.
I don't.
I don't.
I just I want you to be smart about what you believe in.
It's one of the things I love about you.
You're smart.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am smart.
Smart enough to know that you shouldn't be adopting a baby when you have cancer.
But I had to learn that no doctor could write a prescription for my life Or for anything, for that matter-- Fuck it.
It's so fucking hot up here.
It's hotter than fucking Guam.
You'd have to be embalmed not to sweat under these fucking lights.
[Laughter.]
Maybe it's my compression shirt.
Okay, full disclosure: I'm wearing a compression shirt.
Isn't it sexy? [Laughter.]
You know, and it feels like a fucking anaconda.
Oh, God.
Or maybe it's Oh, shit.
Maybe it's a little good, old-fashioned arrhythmia.
Oh, boy, you guys are getting the whole show today, aren't you? Well, anybody who reads my blog knows what happens next.
Ababuo? Ababuo? Oh, my God.
My lovely assistant, Ababuo, will now determine whether my heart needs to be jolted back to normalcy.
[Electronic beeping.]
- It does.
- Shit.
Okay, don't panic, everybody.
This is going to feel even worse than it looks.
All right.
[Breathing hard.]
One, two, three, go.
[Electronic beeping, thump.]
[Audience crying out.]
Oh, cut the lights.
Cut the lights.
[Audience talking indistinctly.]
I'm okay.
Turn on the lights.
Flip the switch.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Flip the switch, it's okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Oh, sorry that you had to see that.
[Groans.]
That wasweird and scary, and not a little embarrassing for me, so I apologize for that.
But Well, it's also-- it's-- I guess it's living proof that, when your life gets dark, you can you can flip a switch and-- and--and things can get better.
And that's a really powerful metaphor.
I mean, we all love to blame all these outside forces in our life for the things that make us miserable.
But the truth is that, the secret to making things better on the outside is just to flip that switch that's on the inside.
And we've all got that switch.
There's not one person in this room that doesn't have the power to make a positive choice, right? To imagine a better life.
All we need to do is flip that switch and decide we want to let go of all that crap that's been holding us back.
You know, matter of fact, Mr.
House-Light Man, can you turn on all the lights? Can you turn on the house lights so that I can see everybody? Okay, just go with me on this.
You know what we're going to do? We're gonna flip that switch.
You wake up in the morning dreading the day? Flip that switch.
You can't afford your mortgage, your car payment, your wife's adult braces, so what do you do? Flip that switch! [Laughter.]
That's right, buddy.
Flip that switch.
Decide you're gonna love those sexy, crooked teeth.
[Laughter.]
Sad about the past? All: Flip that switch! Scared about the future? Flip that goddamn switch.
All: Flip that switch! [Cheers and applause.]
Are you ready to love your life? All: Flip that switch! [Clapping and chanting.]
Flip that switch! [Clicks tongue.]
It's getting worse.
Yeah, second degree burns tend to creep up on you.
This green stuff's supposed to make it look less red.
I just--I don't want the Coopers to know.
Well, they won't-- if they're blind.
When are they supposed to be here? [Nervous laugh.]
15 minutes.
Oh, I hate to heap more tragedy on you, but this just in: You got a repulsive blister, - right here, 3:00.
- Oh, my God.
Better slap a band-aid on that sucker stat.
[Phone rings.]
Yeah, you're on with Willy.
Yeah, buddy, your dirty wish is my command.
Uh-huh.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Panicked yelp.]
Oh, welcome! You're early.
That's great! - Come on in.
- Fast bus, not bad manners.
[Laughs.]
Is your face okay there? Oh.
Yes, it's, uh A little reaction to a lotion.
And a cat scratch from theneighbor - Let me take your coat.
- Oh, sure, thanks.
- Thank you.
- Just make yourselves at home.
- Paul is on his way.
- That's okay.
Oh.
I'm trying to pick a new color.
I had an easier time picking a college.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, I like being in you too.
Yeah, here comes the donkey punch! Oh, yeah! Ohh! Oh, that's just-- just my brother.
That made it sound even worse, didn't it? After a few months, we'd move the baby from our bedroom into here, which will look a lot less fashion school and more nursery school.
- Promise.
- It's perfect.
Yeah, your whole house, it's in great shape.
I mean, the kitchen tile, the wainscoting, even the grout-- you can see the craftsmanship.
Talking contractor speak again.
He means you have a very pretty house.
Yeah, newer construction just doesn't hold up like this.
Let's hear it for old.
[Laughter.]
- Well, there's more to see.
- Good.
We're just sorry to miss Adam.
Oh, yeah, who knew that study groups have emergency meetings? It must be test season or something.
Adam, you're back.
Great.
Wow, the hockey player.
Hey, I'm Dave.
I'm Adam.
Nice to meet you guys.
Maxine.
You have your dad's eyes.
Well, I hope not.
He still needs them.
[Laughs nervously.]
Well, look, we-- we know you're busy, - so we won't bother you.
- Oh, no.
No, I have all the time in the world, you know, if you guys-- you guys wanna talk.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
Awesome.
Do you mind, mom? No.
Great.
Step in my room.
- Cool.
- Thank you.
[Door closing.]
- [Sighs.]
- It's crazy.
I used to celebrate with a double Martini.
Now it's all about the kale.
[Glass clicking.]
Huh.
You know what they say about kale.
- Mm-mm.
- "Kale: It's the new spinach.
" - [Muffled chuckle.]
- [Laughs.]
You know what happened out there, don't you, Paul? I almost drowned in my own sweat.
Sure, you stumbled, but, uh I believe that a great recovery is the sign of a great performer, and that was by far the best recovery I have ever seen.
- You were amazing out there.
- Oh.
Shapewear mishaps aside, I did sort of start to find my own voice a little bit, you know? And the catchphrase of the year.
That is a gift.
I mean, I think you should really think about seeing your potential in a much, much bigger way.
What would you say to being my regular number two? I think I need you to clarify that a little bit.
I want us to be a team.
I bring in the women and you bring in their husbands.
Oh.
I mean, that is a demographic I have never been able to submit.
Do you know, about eight guys came up to me afterwards to check out my fob.
Us men, we can't get enough of the gadgets, you know? Well, I'm about to go on tour--Wisconsin, Illinois.
You could join me as the "flip that switch" guy.
Now, you don't have to answer right now.
- Just think about it.
- Yes! - Oh! - Yes! - Great.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Oh, God, I am starving.
Why don't we go get a bite and we'll talk about the tour dates? Oh, God.
There's nothing I'd rather do, but I'm already late.
I promised Cathy that I'd meet this couple whose baby we're thinking about adopting.
Oh.
Wow.
- Exciting, right? - Yeah.
Cathy actually got the idea at your workshop.
A baby! Wow, that's really gonna complicate things.
Oh, no, well, she's feeling great, you know? And her scans are fantastic.
No, no, I'm talking about the fact that your career's about to take off.
I mean, if I were you, I would just--I'd think about it, make sure that it's something that, you know, you really want.
Oh.
Oh, oh, no.
Yeah, but--look, maybe the timing isn't perfect, but I really want it.
I mean, I do.
I re--I really want it.
I-I do really want it.
I'm insane if I think I can save this evening with pie.
Mm-hmm.
[Door opening.]
Whoa.
What's wrong with your face? It's past 6:00.
You're late.
Seriously, what's wrong with your face? Honey, I am so sorry we are late, but I am happy to report that, after nearly being murdered by a girdle on stage Both: I flipped that switch! Honey, got all these other gigs from Joy, which means some serious bank.
It is all good, let me tell you.
It's very, very good.
Except for your face.
I had a minor treatment, okay? And, no, it is not all good, Paul.
Dave and Maxine have been upstairs talking to Adam for the last half hour.
That's perfect, he's our excellent parenting resume.
- Not according to him.
- Hey, Paul.
Buddy, I am so sorry that we are late.
I had this speech thing that turned into this meeting thing.
- Hi, Maxine.
- Manners, Mr.
J.
I'm so sorry.
Maxine, Dave, this is my executive assistant, Ababuo.
Ababuo is living with us like family.
You know, not our family, but just--oh, that didn't come out right.
No.
My parents are working in Africa, and I'm staying here until they get back.
Tea? Pie? How'd your talk with Adam go? Um, we know how nerve-racking this whole process has been, and we don't want to drag it out.
Yeah, especially since, you know, we've been meeting with another couple.
Which is totally fine.
We were just hoping Adam would have a few things to say about growing up here.
And he was very honest with us.
Yeah, I mean, he's an amazing young man And he is gonna be a terrific big brother to this baby.
[Laughter.]
Am I allowed to eat like I'm about to have a baby, or do I actually have to be pregnant? You eat whatever you want, as long as I can too.
This is really happening, isn't it? I think we learned something very important today.
Despite our advancing age, my gut, and your face, we are still a very attractive couple.
[Laughs.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, bud.
Or should I say, hey, soon-to-be wonderful big brother? You want to join us for a big slice of pie or a little sip of wine? We're celebrating.
Uh, no, no, I'm good.
I just called Uncle Sean.
I'm going to be staying over there for a few days.
- Why? - Just to chill.
Adam I'm sorry About our fight today.
If you're still mad-- No, mom, I'm fine.
I did what you wanted me to do, talked to those people.
I told them you're a great mom.
I lied.
Good news is, we get to have another one of those.
Way to flip that switch, Cath.