The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Me first, Mama.
Now, after years of trying and failing and trying again, I finally found you the perfect birthday gift.
Okay, Bobby, don't put too much on it.
Ooh.
Luther Vandross's entire box set.
Vanilla scented candles, some bubble bath.
Ooh, and some chocolate covered strawberries.
Oh, Bobby, these are great gifts if you're trying to seduce our mother.
Look, Jerrod, diminishing sex life in elderly couples is the number one cause of divorce.
Is that what you want? Sexless divorced parents? See, that's why Bobby, you my favorite.
You're not only my son, but you my wingman.
- Body oil.
- Ooh.
I can't wait for your birthday to turn into your birth-night.
- (laughs) - Come here, girl.
(smooches) Boys, we might just give you a little brother on this couch.
(laughs) Sorry.
All right, happy birthday, Cynthia.
We wanted to be sure to get you something really special.
Oh, look at this fancy bag.
It's all shiny and metallic.
I like it so far.
What is this? This is a limited first edition hardcover of Jacqueline Kennedy's biography.
MAXINE: Yeah, you know, 'cause you're always talking about how pretty she was and how much you admire her.
I don't understand.
Have I wronged you in some way? (laughs): What? No.
You know what would be a better gift than that? A Kindle.
See, while you're pretending to read, you can enjoy the apps, the games, the e-mails, and more.
- Oh.
- Yes, a Kindle can do it all.
And I heard that you can even watch movies on those things now.
Oh, can you imagine me with a Kindle? Oh, some day.
Sure, Kindles are fine, but what's wrong with a book? Jerrod, don't make me say that out loud.
Say what out loud? You really gonna make her say it out loud? On her birthday? Say what out loud? What are you guys talking about? Look, Jerrod, your gift is stupid because black people don't read like that.
Why do you make him say these kind of things? Mm-hmm.
Okay, you're joking, right? 'Cause that's the most racist thing I've ever heard.
(squeals): Oh, Joe! You got me a Kindle movie watcher.
(laughs) - Oh, I could just cry.
- (laughs) See, that's why I set the Kindle up before, you know? I set my pins up and I knock 'em down! You guys have the audacity to say "black people don't read like that"? W-What does that even mean? Well, we read some things.
Like if I'm at the dentist's office and my phone dies, I may scan through a copy of Essence or read a pamphlet on tooth decay.
Yeah, look, let's me honest, man.
Black people didn't start going to the library until the library got Internet.
- Facts.
- Those are not facts.
Okay, this is incredibly insulting.
Well, that's why black people like The Cosby Show so much.
It was just mystical seeing all those people reading and being doctors.
It took me to a fantastical place I'd never been before.
The Cosby Show was my Star Wars.
Uh, The Cosby Show was supposed to be a realistic portrayal of a black family.
No Is that what they were going for? You think we proud of this? No, this is an embarrassment that black people would rather sweep under the rug, like Stacey Dash.
Okay.
This is all just a offensive generalization.
Black people read all the time.
Jerrod reads, I read.
Well, that's one and a half black people.
I mean, those are not record-breaking numbers, Maxine.
And to be totally honest, Maxine, I wasn't gonna even read my birthday cards.
Happy birthday, Cynthia.
Oh, thank you, Nekeisha.
JERROD: Nekeisha, Nekeisha, please, answer this question for us, okay? How many black people do you know that read? Uh, you mean, like, - when they don't have to? - Yes.
- Like, reading just for fun? - Yes.
You mean, like, reading just to read? Yes, Nekeisha, reading for the sake of reading.
Mm, that's a tough one.
Does Essence Magazine count? Told you.
Th-that's nothing to be proud of.
For all your bragging about reading, your knowledge of black people is on a fifth grade level.
Yeah, Jerrod, why you acting like this is news? Listen, there are some things black people just don't do.
No.
No, no, Dad.
We do not have a set of rules we need to abide by.
Sure we do.
- We don't ski.
- Mm-mm.
We don't let dogs lick all up on our faces.
- Oh, no.
And under no circumstances do we ever, ever drive a Subaru.
You know, they say dogs' mouths are cleaner than humans, but I think white people just saying that to justify their actions.
See, there's all sorts of rules, Jerrod.
Like, you got to say all black movies are good, even if they bad.
Yeah, yeah.
You got to assume all cops are bad, even when they good.
We don't like halibut.
Well, we don't eat halibut.
Okay, no one eats halibut.
It's a very dry fish.
Okay, sorry.
I was just getting a little frustrated.
JERROD: So, wait.
You guys really want to live in a world where black people only do things other black people approve of? - Oh, I love black approval.
- JOE: Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Nothing wrong with that.
See, Jerrod, these rules, they have purpose.
They bind us as a community.
They unite us against the threat of a white culture that brought us here as slaves.
Dad, that's the most eloquent explanation I've ever heard for not reading.
You know, it would be nice if we could just say what we think without black people getting mad.
Like this one time, when I went to the hair salon, and I said Michelle Obama should smile more, and the bitch cut me with scissors.
Mmm.
JOE: Well, now, if you gonna talk smack about Michelle, prepare to get cut.
JERROD: No, Pop.
Nekeisha should be able to think and say whatever she wants without judgment.
We all should.
I mean, Ma, I know you got a thought in there that black people wouldn't approve of.
I do, but I don't want to say it out loud.
Ooh, I wouldn't mind hearing this.
"Unpopular black thoughts.
" It sound like a fun podcast.
(scoffs) Cynthia, you're in a safe place.
No one here's gonna judge you.
Yeah, Ma, go ahead.
Free yourself.
Fine.
(clears throat) I don't think Denzel Washington is that talented an actor.
He just plays Denzel in every movie.
I'm just asking for a little range.
Look, Mom, wow, you've been holding onto that.
Yeah.
I've got that off my chest.
I feel a lot lighter, less stressed.
(laughs) I bet you all this suppression is what causes high blood pressure in the black community.
Who else has an unpopular black thought? Bobby, I know you got something.
Are we doing this? Now, look, one day, there was a bunch of young black dudes standing near my car.
And you know what I did? I went back in their Starbucks, got me a Peppermint Hot Chocolate, and I waited that thing out.
Well, Bobby, that one was definitely a little racist, but you got every right to say it.
You didn't see them boys, Jerrod.
Look, this is good.
I feel like we're making so much progress, right? You know what? Instead of going to Niecy's, like we always do for your birthday, Ma, let's go somewhere else.
Every year, we go to Niecy's for my birthday, ever since Coretta Scott King ate there for her birthday, 1972.
Niecy's is a staple in the black community.
But let's break the rules.
Niecy's will be there.
We can go anywhere.
We can even go to Florentine's if you want.
Florentine's? No We can't eat at Florentine's.
Could we? Why can't we? Because black people don't eat there, that's why.
We barely even drive through the neighborhood.
Come on, Dad.
We got to stop thinking like that.
Florentine's is a great restaurant.
And you would like it and it's Mom's birthday.
You think we can even get reservations? It's so last minute.
Yeah.
My buddy, Drew, from high school, his family owns the place.
All I got to do is text him.
I'm sure he can get us in.
Oh, my God, are we doing this? We are crossing racial barriers that this family has never crossed before.
Oh, I know how Sidney Poitier felt when he got that Oscar.
Ooh! Now, that's an actor with range.
(sighs) I'm gonna go upstairs and put on an even nicer outfit! I cannot believe my little brother is getting us into Florentine's.
I knew you going to the integrated high school would pay off some day.
Yeah, I'm taking my wife to Florentine's.
You paying for this, right? Oh, this place is nice! They keep their Christmas lights up the whole year round.
Man, Niecy's don't even have a doorman.
Mm, last time I was at Niecy's, they didn't have a door.
Any place where the employees look happy makes me suspicious.
Well, I want to see the bathroom.
I bet they have granite countertops and those paper towels that are more towels than paper.
Baby, grab some of those for the house, please.
Okay, baby.
I will.
DREW: Yo! - Look at this guy.
- What up, man? Hey, thanks so much for getting us in here, my man.
Hey, anything for you, my nigga.
You know that.
All right, I got to run.
We're gonna take great care of you.
Yeah.
BOBBY: Jerrod, what the hell was that? There it is.
I'm out.
Remember when I told you black people don't eat here and you asked me why? (pops) Your server will be over to take your drink orders shortly.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
Why do you guys keep staring at me like that? Come on.
Just sit down.
Everything's fine.
Don't ruin Mom's birthday.
(sighs) So you gonna just let white people call you "nigga," huh? I knew you shouldn't have went to that integrated high school.
I guess we better get out of here.
No, Dad, Dad, Dad.
All right, you're overreacting.
We don't have to leave.
Okay, Drew is my friend.
That's just how we talk.
I'm completely cool with it.
Jerrod, when a white man uses the "N" word, that is a fire alarm in a burning building that you need to get out of.
Maxine, will you please tell them they're overreacting? No, your dad is absolutely right.
I'm-I'm not comfortable eating at a place where one of the owners casually says that word.
You know, we don't have to be outraged every time we hear the word, all right? That's just another black rule that hurts us more than it helps us.
Ooh, this place, it's incredible! There was a container of mints in the bathroom.
I almost took one.
Can you imagine how nice a place is if you want to eat in the bathroom? What? Where's Nekeisha? Why you all so silent? (clicks tongue) I'm sorry, Cynthia, but we have to leave.
Ow! Why would you want to take me away from a nice place like this? Tell me.
Why, Maxine? Why?! JERROD: Maxine, don't upset Mom on her birthday.
That's right.
Do not upset Mom on her birthday.
And don't tell me no bad news.
I don't care if it's a terrorist attack, I don't want to hear about it.
We'll pray for the victims and the family after we eat.
Well, unfortunately, it's much worse than a terrorist attack.
Jerrod was racially slurred when you were in the bathroom.
Lord, no! On my birthday? I'm afraid so.
Dad, stop.
I wasn't slurred, okay? Yes, my friend Drew called me "nigga," but he said it in a sweet and loving type of way.
Jerrod, you know I don't like that word at all, but we cannot stop your generation from saying it.
Yeah, Mom, but it's a twist to it.
Drew is white.
(gasps) Sweet shepherd of Jesus! On my birthday? Jerrod, how can you be so nonchalant about that word? It has such an intense history of hate.
It's the last word that so many black people heard as they were being hung from trees.
Okay, I don't think the problem in that scenario is the word, Maxine.
I think it's the hanging.
All right? If you ask me, the black community gets way too caught up on that word.
It's just a distraction.
We should focus on things that actually matter, like, I don't know, voter suppression, instead of Hulk Hogan, or Dog the Bounty Hunter, or Justin Timberlake saying the "N" word.
Oh, no! JT said it, too? Well, he hasn't said it yet, but come on.
Look, the point is, you guys saying black people don't read like that is way more offensive than someone saying the "N" word.
I've known Drew for a really long time.
He's had nothing but black friends.
He's dated nothing but black girls.
I mean, the man has on a fresh pair of Jordan 11's with a suit right now.
He's embraced black culture more than anyone.
Well, just because you appropriate our culture doesn't mean that you can use our words.
He is not black.
And if you haven't experienced the pain of that word, then you do not have the right to say it.
CYNTHIA: She is right, Jerrod.
They called me that word when I was the only black girl in my fifth grade class.
I went to school every day knowing that I was not welcome, and that's what that word is.
It's a sign that you are not welcome.
Well, I'm sorry you had to go through that, Cynthia.
You know what, I'm just gonna go and get our coats, and I will meet you all out front.
We just can't stay, Jerrod.
Why is it every time Maxine is right, we all have to suffer? Yeah, we should have just gone to Niecy's.
Ooh, but it's gonna be hard to eat there after I have experienced all this elegance today.
You guys sound like you don't actually want to leave.
Do you really want to or do you just feel obligated to as black people? Well, I feel obligated.
You see how mad Maxine is and she only half black.
Does that mean I got to be double angry? Well, yeah, those are the rules.
Your anger has to match your melanin.
Jerrod, look at your skin.
You should be furious right now.
Enjoy.
Damn, that bread looks warm.
You think they made it in-house? Of course they made it in-house.
Look at the cartoonish amount of steam rising off the backs of them rolls.
God, I'm hungry.
You know, Dad, if you want a roll, you could just take a roll.
Oh, what a dilemma.
This must be what it felt like to sit at that Woolworth's counter in the '60s.
- I'm just gonna - Joe.
have a bite, 'cause, you know, my blood sugar's low.
Mmm.
This is for you, Greensboro Four.
This is for all the lunches you were never served.
Good God.
- They're pretzel rolls, baby.
- Oh! A pretzel roll? Mmm.
Very ambitious.
This restaurant is taking some swings.
CYNTHIA: Mm-hmm.
Oh, nailed it.
This makes the oppression go down a whole lot easier.
Mmm.
Uh, why are you guys still sitting? I was waiting out front.
Now, look, Maxine, I know what we said about oppression and us having the integrity to stand up for ourselves as black people.
But that's before I tried this pretzel roll.
This is honey butter, Maxine.
I'm sure you should be able to relate to this dilemma, right? What? Would you like sparkling water or still? Oh, why would you even ask? Of course we'd like the sparkling.
Mmm! It tastes like healthy Sprite.
Would you care to hear about our specials today? Um, can you just please give us a second? Of course.
Take your time.
Maxine, don't you see that by making a big deal about this word, you're just giving it power? You're basically giving someone a weapon to hurt you with.
I mean, we can't control who says the word, but we can control our reaction to it.
You know what I think? I think everyone should just use the word constantly.
So much until it dilutes its power, makes it meaningless.
I'll know we've come a long way as a nation the day I turn on Ellen and she says, "Ladies and gentlemen, my nigga, Bruno Mars.
" And all the soccer moms in the audience cheer.
Well, Jerrod makes a good point.
Look, in ninth grade, my friend, Kevin, was called that word by a white guy, and he beat his face until it was unrecognizable.
Just the way I taught you boys.
I am so proud of Kevin.
Yeah, but Kevin got expelled.
And you know what he's doing now? Selling drugs? Maxine, that is racist.
But that's exactly what he's doing.
Look, you see, Maxine? This is exactly what I mean.
Obsessing over the word just ruins people's lives.
Now, the only people you'll be punishing by making us take a stance against this restaurant is my family, who won't be able to eat a nice meal on my mom's birthday.
No, the people who are punished are the victims of that word.
(sighs) You know, I don't know if I told you this, but when I was 16, my swim team made it all the way to the state championship.
And just before the final meet, a white kid from the other team yelled, "Hey, what are you doing here? 'N' words can't swim.
" Except he actually said the word.
And it zapped all my confidence.
That day, I swam the worst time of my entire life.
I was so upset that I eventually quit swim team.
Wait.
That was your story? That wasn't inspiring at all.
Yeah, I thought it was gonna be a story of triumph, Maxine.
Yeah, why are you telling us your story of not rising to the occasion? This is a story of how damaging that word can be to someone's spirit.
It is used to humiliate us, and we can't just ignore that fact - because we like a dinner roll! - DREW: Hey, Jerrod.
I'm just checking in.
Now, be sure to let me know - if you need any - Hey! We are not niggers! Maxine is right.
We should probably leave.
I can't believe we are back up in Niecy's again.
They still got a sandwich named after O.
J.
Simpson.
What the hell are we doing in here? Well, we're definitely not allowed back at Florentine's any time soon.
Yeah.
I've been sitting here 30 minutes and nobody's come over for my drink order.
(sighs) Look, I'm sorry that I got us kicked out.
But, you know, they didn't deserve - our business anyway.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We already heard about your failed swimming career, Maxine.
Look, I don't know if white people should be saying the "N" word, but I definitely know Maxine shouldn't say it.
The way you said it, it hurt my soul.
JOE: Hear! Hear! I'd like to toast to that, but we haven't gotten our drinks yet.
Maxine, why did you have to put the "E-R" on the end? Yeah.
Drew didn't say it like that.
There was actual hate in your voice when you said it.
Yours is like the curb-stomping scene from American History X.
It wasn't hate towards black people.
It was hate towards your friend.
Well, Maxine, hate is hate, and it's hurtful on all of us.
Excuse me.
Would you happen to have some sparkling water? WAITER: Come on.
You know we ain't got no sparkling water.
Yeah, I-I know.
Well, could I have a Sprite? We got Pepsi.
Oh, Lord, I miss Florentine's.
Got me on my birthday, up here eating with all these niggas.