The Conners (2018) s03e05 Episode Script

1 [Television playing.]
- Hey.
- Mm.
You know what would be fun? There's only three things I find fun anymore.
I'm already watching TV, so that leaves beer and sex.
Since we just got up, I'm assuming you're talking about beer.
And what the hell, I'll have one! [Laughs.]
Actually, I was gonna suggest a drive in the country.
But I'm liking the sound of a morning buzz.
We were meant to be.
Well, just so you know, this is the last bag of chicken feed we'll be getting from Dr.
Neville.
I think I finally scared him off by telling him all of my life's horror stories.
All your stories? Yes, Dan.
I told him everything.
From Bev telling me when I was four that she didn't like hugging me because I had sharp bones.
I made it very clear that I'm a damaged, self-loathing mess and he should run for his life.
And suddenly, there was a horse with a liver tumor, and he ran out.
After we finish folding this load, I'm taking the baby for a walk.
There you go.
Another reminder that you can have babies and I can't.
Walking the baby, bathing the baby, feeding the baby.
If you don't do those things, they come and take the baby away.
Then at least I wouldn't have to hear about the baby.
Hey, it's not my fault.
It's a burden being so fertile.
You're lucky it's all dust bunnies and cobwebs down there.
Meanwhile, I'm flowin' like the mighty Mississipp'.
Hey, I-I'm sorry, Mom.
I know how much you were looking forward to having a baby.
But don't worry.
You're old.
Your pain will be over soon.
Well, that would be great, but if not, I expect you to have kids.
I will.
I promise.
The love that you withheld from me, I'll seek from strange men and have lots of bastard children.
You think that doesn't make me feel better, but it does.
After the magazine failed, I thought that having a baby was gonna be, like, my new sense of purpose.
And then I failed at that.
Now I'm just kinda lost.
You're not lost.
You're free! You're free to try something different.
Harris is basically an adult, and Mark is smarter than you and doesn't need you.
He's not that much smarter.
If you were smarter than him, you would know how much smarter he is than you.
Look, maybe I have more time, but I don't even know what I would do.
I mean, what do I need? Well, I do need more money.
What do you think they pay supervisors? They drive cars that are painted all one color, so more than us.
Well, I am way overqualified for what I'm doing now.
And if I got to boss you around and make your life miserable, that's like a benefits package.
The only problem is I have to suck up to management in order to get into it.
I mean, I can barely talk to those people, let alone kiss their ass.
Talking to somebody from management isn't hard.
Here, watch this.
I'll be you.
[As Darlene.]
Hi, I'm Darlene.
Oh! You're that weird, little troll that walks around acting all superior.
Yes, but it's just a defense mechanism because I'm not as pretty and smart as my sister.
[As Becky.]
Hi, I'm Becky! I would have gotten here earlier, but I was busy avoiding the sad reality that I'm an average-looking blonde who drank away my future! Oops! God, Mom, way to take a fun game and make it mean.
That's what I do.
I'm a killer of joy.
There it's fun again.
3x05 Friends in High Places and Horse Surgery [Laughter.]
There's Robin, the angel of death.
I love when management shows up in the break room like they're one of us.
Did I tell you she wrote me up? I was ten minutes late.
Beverly Rose was crying because we couldn't find her binky.
That's terrible.
You don't deserve that.
Or maybe you do.
We haven't been working together that long.
She has no idea how hard I work.
Oh, crap! We should have been back on the line five minutes ago.
[Loudly.]
Darlene! You're five minutes early! Who's watching our station? I'll go! Hey.
Oh, hey.
Mind if I join you? Uh, sure, but you'll get the stink of management all over you, and your fellow coworkers are gonna shun you.
If I knew that was all it took to get some peace and quiet from those people, I would've sat with you a long time ago.
[Laughs.]
Robin Shetsky, Managing Supervisor.
I know.
Uh, Darlene Conner, faceless drone.
Ah.
You're Darlene Conner.
Uh-oh.
No, no.
It's good.
The big bosses have noticed you.
I took a look at your file.
Apparently you're smart, diligent, other employees already hate you.
You've got real management potential.
Wow.
Management potential.
That was the furthest thing from my mind when I decided to come over here and kiss your ass.
- [Chuckles.]
- No, really, this is great, 'cause now I don't have to ask to see pictures of your kids and tell you they're adorable.
I don't have kids, but my husband and I do have a French Bulldoodle.
Oh, congratulations.
You finally found a Poodle combination that doesn't really work.
Look, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I truly believe that I have the brains to be in management.
I just need someone to mentor me.
I've done that.
Usually to college kids, but I could do someone old.
Great.
So, uh, when can we find some time to talk? I've been really careful with COVID, so you could come to my place and you could meet my family.
You'll see why I'm willing to spend almost all my time at work.
You don't have to sell me.
I've been stuck in my house for months.
One more game of Clue with my husband, and it's gonna be me in the bathroom with the candlestick.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's been a recent sales spike in murder games.
[Chuckles.]
Grandpa, can I get your help with a homework assignment? Fifty years of drinkin' says probably not, but let's give it a whirl! I'm doing this project on the American Revolution - Mm-hmm.
- and I'm supposed to find out where our family was during the war.
Well, it just so happens my great-grandfather told me we had ancestors that fought in the Revolutionary War.
- Whoa! That's so cool! - Mm-hmm.
We're related to revolutionaries! Well, kinda.
They were an Irish regiment sent over to wipe out the revolutionaries.
They were called "The Freedom Killers.
" LOUISE: [Sighs.]
Just tell them they were in the Revolutionary War, Mark.
Don't tell them who they killed.
Aunt Jackie, what about your side of the family? Uh, well, I don't know about the American Revolution, but I believe Grandma Bev was part of the Spanish Inquisition.
You know the iron maiden? A torture device in the shape of a woman filled with spikes? It's based on her.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Neville.
Hey.
Is Jackie around? You know I'm here.
My car's out front.
I knew I should have covered it in branches.
What do you want, Neville? Somebody dropped this bad boy off at my office because they couldn't care for him anymore, and I thought of you guys.
Ah, sorry.
We're full up.
Wait a minute! Here's a cozy, little space with its own little light and central heating.
Can we keep it, please? Why do you want to eat all our pets? Fine.
Here you go.
I also brought something for you, Jackie.
Okay.
Why? Well, I thought about that story you told me over coffee, where Bev took away your stuffed giraffe, and I wanted you to know that I really listened.
[Breathing sharply, sniffling.]
I knew this would be emotional for you, but if it helps heal a traumatic experience, then I feel like I've done the right thing.
[Crying.]
No, you haven't! This is a terrible gift! My mother didn't just take away my giraffe.
She gave it to my dog, Lucky, who had one of those carts instead of rear legs.
- And he ran up a hill with it.
- [Gasps.]
But when he got tired, he started rolling back down.
And he went under a trash truck, but then he got hit by a bus! Which is why he had the cart in the first place! Why don't you get it?! I told you I was broken! I didn't ask for you to fix me! For the last time, leave me alone! [Door opens, slams.]
Well, apparently, the wound is still fresh.
Mom just pulled up with her boss.
Oh.
Throw that in the microwave.
I don't know why she's trying to get a promotion by feeding her boss fish sticks.
I mean, it doesn't even say what kind of fish it is.
It just says "seafood fragments.
" It's like an accident they just put in a box.
Hey, Dad, Harris.
This is Robin.
She's the first boss I've brought home that I'm not sleeping with, so please be on your best behavior.
I can't fix this later.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll keep my scratchin' hand on top of the table.
I brought red.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, well, we're having fish that could very well have beef in it, so red might be fine.
Darlene what is Robin doing here? Uh, I invited her.
She's mentoring me.
What are you doing here? I live here.
I didn't know that.
I thought, at forty-five, your sister had her own place.
I did! And if I save enough from working at "Smellman" yep, that's what we call it I will again.
I'm confused.
What's going on here? Looks like a fight to me, honey.
I told you management was riding my ass.
Why did you bring her here? - I didn't know it was Robin.
- Well, now you know.
Listen, I don't want to create a problem.
I can leave.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're my guest, all right? Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that you guys had a beef, but I think if you just get to know each other, then maybe you'll find some common ground.
I doubt it, but I'll sit down.
I'm willing.
Huh.
I mediated the crap out of that.
Management potential.
Who are you? Uh, hi.
[Chuckles.]
I'm Robin.
I'm Darlene's friend.
[Chuckles.]
No, really, who are you? That's Mark, my adopted son.
It didn't work out.
He's going back in the morning.
You know, Robin, now that you're here, I should let you know that I'm gonna be a little bit late for work tomorrow.
Um, my baby has her one-year check-up.
- Becky! - No problem.
See that? No problem.
Just don't be too late.
I don't want to have to write you up a third time.
Third? I only have one.
Huh.
Sometimes my phone doesn't send things.
Oh, there it is in the outbox.
[Cellphone dings.]
I wouldn't bother.
That sounds like spam.
You wrote me up for video-chatting with my baby too much? It's only a few minutes here and there because I miss my kid.
Well, I get a live stream of my French Bulldoodle from doggy daycare, Becky.
You don't see me constantly checking in on her.
Because it's a dog.
Well.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not value one life over another.
All God's creatures, blah, blah, blah.
Why don't we talk about this tomorrow at work? - Fine.
- Thank you.
And it wasn't just "here or there.
" It was 45 minutes altogether.
These fish sticks are delicious.
Okay.
I am not sitting here and getting sniped at in my own kitchen.
I'm going to eat down in the basement with my daughter, who I'm going to spend time with so she doesn't forget about me when I don't contact her for nine hours during the day.
Well, if you want her to remember you, maybe you shouldn't keep your baby in the basement.
FYI, we live in the basement.
And we have a bathroom down there now.
Don't say anything at work.
I don't want anyone hitting me up for money.
[Door opens.]
Hey.
What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at supper? Yeah.
I just, uh, wanted to come by and check up on you.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I didn't really want to be around anybody.
And sorry about your brother.
Not sorry enough.
Okay.
Well thanks for stopping by.
Not going yet.
I wanted to tell you a little bit about the guy you screamed at today.
You see, Neville was a sweet, sensitive, puny, little kid with spindly legs.
The doctor told him he would never walk without crutches.
But he was determined to be on the track team.
And you And you know what? He never gave up, and he made it.
Save it, sister.
I know the ending.
He became a track star.
[Chuckling.]
No.
Have you ever seen a track meet? You need regular legs.
The coaches would turn off the lights and go home before he finished a race.
The point is, he is never gonna give up pursuing you.
Well, duh.
I've been telling him to go away ever since I met him.
I Why do you keep harassing me? Because I-I don't want him to waste his time when he could be with someone who loves him.
So, tell him! I threw a giraffe at him, and I think he took it as flirting.
Look, you just have to lie.
Tell him there's another guy.
Tell him that you're dying or or that you're a lesbian.
- [Groans.]
- That you're a dying lesbian.
Anything to stop him.
Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
I don't know if it's gonna stop him.
He's like a zombie stalker.
Put a bullet in his head, and he's like, "Let's go get coffee!" DARLENE: Why am I supposed to help you? You made a huge scene last night and totally embarrassed me.
And what's with bragging about your basement bathroom? That was just weird.
It wasn't just my fault.
Robin's got it out for me.
She likes you.
Just get her to take one of the write-ups off my record.
I can't afford to lose a shift.
Becky, I've only known this woman for a day.
I can't start telling her how to do her job.
Here she is.
Come on.
I need to be able to see Beverly Rose during the day.
Do this for me and do it for Beverly Rose.
I love you, Darlene.
Okay, all right, fine.
I'll talk to Robin, but, God, what is wrong with you? How can you say "I love you" to your sister? Who does that? Hey, it was great having you over for dinner.
Sorry about the food.
Sorry about the conversation.
Sorry about the family.
You have nothing to be sorry about.
I had a very nice time, and the food was just fine.
Where'd you hit on the way home? I had a hot dog from the grill at the gas station.
Yeah, we all did that after Thanksgiving last year.
So, look, um, I really don't want to overstep, but Becky is kinda having a tough time adjusting to not seeing her kid all day.
Could you consider cutting her a little slack right now? I could do that.
Or, as your mentor, I could give you your first test.
I'm gonna let you make the call on your sister.
Now, you know how her screen time affects her productivity.
What would you do? Huh.
Is putting off the decision until you offer me an actual promotion a viable answer? Look, if you're gonna be in management, you can't show favor.
Everybody gets treated the same.
Unless your name is Wellman.
Then you get to get coked out of your mind and have the conveyor belt take you all over the building naked.
They do that? I signed a document that says they don't.
Doctor, there's someone here to see you.
It's Jackie Harris.
Oh, really? Send her in.
JACKIE: Oh, good Lord! You could have said, "I'm up to my elbows in horse.
" [Both chuckle.]
NEVILLE: No, it's a minor operation.
I'm taking a fatty mass off this gal's liver.
Too many hamburgers and beer.
You never really think about that when you see a horse sitting in an Applebee's.
[Laughs.]
Hey, I'm really glad you're here.
Yeah, that's what I, uh, wanted to talk to you about.
Uh, here's the thing.
I haven't been completely honest with you.
An old boyfriend has come back into my life, and, uh I'm dying, and, um it's all complicated by the fact that I'm a lesbian.
Good for you.
My assistant is at her son's piano recital.
Could you please hold the rib spreader? If you hear cracking, you're spreading them too far.
Well, shouldn't I have some sort of license for that, or training? - [Laughing.]
Yeah, you'd think.
- [Chuckles.]
Hey, could you pass me a roll of gauze? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
You know, I didn't realize you were a surgeon.
It's really impressive! Oh.
It is kind of the glamour end of the business.
[Chuckles.]
Now, take this tumor and put it in the bucket, will you? Oh.
Wow.
Wow! Ugh.
Do they often need a bucket, or would you consider this a big one? [Chuckles.]
[Liquid splashes.]
Ohh.
[Clears throat.]
The reason I said all that B.
S.
about the boyfriend and being a lesbian is 'cause I was just trying to take one last shot to stop you from chasing me.
I've told you a hundred times I'm a disaster.
Why do you still want me? 'Cause you're an amazing person and you deserve someone who's crazy about you.
Look, you have to really listen to me this time.
The last thing I need right now is a boyfriend.
But I could use a nice friend.
I would be honored to be your friend.
Good.
Can I agree to be your friend but secretly adore you and want more? [Sighs.]
Well [Chuckles nervously.]
what you do on your own time, that's your business.
- [Television playing.]
- Heh.
I am really pissed.
Why? Not only did Robin not take the second write-up off, she gave me a third one and they docked my pay.
You never talked to her, did you? Look, if you don't want to keep getting in trouble, then just call Beverly Rose on your break or at lunch.
End of problems.
I'll just talk to Robin myself.
Wait.
[Television shuts off.]
Robin didn't do this.
I did.
What? She wanted to see if I was management material and if I could make an objective decision based on the facts.
So you sold me out just to prove you could be a manager? No, I didn't sell you out.
Your productivity is down.
You're spending almost 45 minutes a day on your phone during work time.
And the rest of the time, I work my ass off! I can't believe you did this! Look, they wanted to take away a whole shift from you.
Because of me, they only docked your pay.
Only?! I need that money! You were depressed you even had to take that job, and I got you through it! No matter how bad it's got, our family has always stuck together, and now you're screwing me over to get ahead! Oh, no, don't try to turn this around, Becky.
I made the right decision, all right? You're putting your bad behavior above me getting a chance to do something better for my family.
Bad behavior? I was being a mom.
You're just jealous I have a baby I get to see.
Wow.
Screw you.
Screw you! You screwed me first! You're not my sister.
That's fine.
I don't need you.
I certainly don't need you.
Well, fall off a cliff and die! Stand under me! Whoa.
There is a lot of drama around here.
I think it's you.
Before you got here, everything was pretty quiet.
And so, after a lot of research, I actually found a few of my ancestors who fought on the side of liberty with mixed results.
There was Angus Conner, who served honorably and then was killed for cheating at cards in debtors' prison.
And here's Archibald Conner, who blew his head off goofing around with a cannon.
And this is Horatio Conner, who served on the USS Lexington.
He got drunk on kerosene, tried to dance with a mop, got tangled in an anchor rope, and was dragged to the bottom of the sea.
I've got more, but what's the point?