The Detour (2016) s03e05 Episode Script
The Boat
1 How'd you dislocate your shoulder? Not important.
Oh, isn't that your sister? I need to talk to my sister.
It's important! - I remember that broad.
- Oh, my God.
- Why's she all covered in cake? - It doesn't matter.
And what is the story with all of these Oriental cowboys? Japanese, okay, and it's way too long a story to tell.
Well, tell me something, for Christ's sake.
What, do you want to just talk about the weather? "Well, the winters are a little tough up here, Joe.
" Winters are a little tough up here, Joe.
Well, there we go.
Now we're conversating.
Tell me about your Alaskan winter.
How did you survive? - We didn't.
- We didn't.
Do you have to go? Come on, baby.
One of us has to work.
Whale's Tail is closed.
Where else am I gonna make 150 grand? Why'd you shave? What? It's a fresh, new start, okay? I'm gonna make enough money off that boat.
We're gonna buy some land, we're gonna build a house, and we're never gonna have to run again.
I just I really liked your beard.
Well, then I'll grow it back, okay? Should be coming in nice in about seven months.
Oh, my God, that's so long.
It's gonna be over in no time, I promise.
No, it won't.
This'll be the longest seven months you ever spend.
That goes for both of you.
You better hurry up.
A storm's brewing.
Let's go, ladies.
[Seagulls crying.]
Uh, hey, Dad, I got you something.
What? [Voice breaking.]
A book on fishing? Oh, boy.
Here, don't cry, but I got you a hat.
[Sniffles.]
It says "Dad.
" 'Cause I'm your dad.
I'm gonna get you a "Son" hat.
Why? Winter's coming.
There's gonna be, like, no sun.
No, no, no, "Son" in I had a big speech planned, and, um, I'm just a little overcome with emotion, so Babe, you don't have to do that.
I do.
I'm gonna read it.
It's sad.
I wrote it down on c cards.
[Crying.]
Notes to my family.
- Jesus.
- Ew.
[Normal voice.]
Look at that, huh.
It's a sign from above.
From who, the seagull? Babe, can you quit it with the atheist crap for one minute? - Please? - Yeah.
Sorry.
Okay.
You guys mean everything to me.
You're my sole reason for existing.
Everything I do, I do for you go - Aah! - Cool it.
It's just a little bird poop.
- It's in my hair! - It's fi Oh! How are they shitting sideways? What the We got to go.
We got to go, sweetie.
- Just be safe.
We love you.
- Okay, just wait.
Let me Hold on! Hold on, just just just give me a minute.
Please, please.
Make peace with your weaknesses, okay? That's the thing that Laughter.
Laughter's really the best medicine.
- Aah! - Ah, Jared.
[As Sean Connery.]
You're the man, now, dawg.
What the hell does that even mean? [Normal voice.]
Okay, take it one day at a time.
Gun safety.
That's a thing.
They can be dangerous but also fun to shoot.
I don't know why we're talking about that.
Oh, my God, you asshole! - Aah! - Ew! Yeah.
You know what, sweetheart? You really We got to go.
We got to wrap this up.
I love you so much.
- Stay safe.
- One last thing, one last thing.
I didn't get you a ring.
- What? - I didn't get you a ring 'cause, you know, you already have one, but, uh, will you marry me? Babe? Oh, my God, yeah.
Of course, yes! Of course I will.
Literally the second I get back.
- Absolutely.
- Okay? - Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! - The jacket! Let's save that 'cause of the shit in your mouth and everything.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you.
I love you so much.
Have fun.
Bye.
Everything I do, I do for God! How can you have that much shit in you? Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Nate: Dearest Robin, it's day one.
Being apart from you and the kids is hell, but life here isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
The ocean is my companion.
The views from the deck are mesmerizing.
The salt spray and the vitamin D on my skin is [Grunts.]
Oh, God! - Hey.
- Oh, my God! [Russian accent.]
Asshole, get below deck where you belong.
And give me your hat.
You don't need it.
What? No, it's my hat.
It says "Dad.
" So what? I am Dad.
I have mug, also.
Hat will complete collection, unless they have shirt.
- I said no.
- Okay.
[Spits.]
We fight for it.
What? No.
I will get hat from you one day, little man.
I am number-one dad in all of Russia-controlled Ukraine.
Now you get below deck! Okay.
I forget how to get down.
You boys ready to get some? Fishing really is an art form.
The harsh geometry of the nets, the sinewy curves of the scaling knife.
Sea life is like a foreign jewel with a million facets.
Whoa.
- Hey, man.
- What? What's this one called? How should I know? Poison ugly shit-tooth fish.
That goes down the B-line for Chinese school lunches.
Let's go! Come on, man, let's work.
Okay, sorry.
It's surprisingly romantic work.
Hey, this is pretty good for the soul.
S-O-L-E, though.
That's hake.
No, I know.
I was just making a dad joke, you know? Dad.
I think I should be able to make it through this.
My days sort of bleed into one another.
It's a bit of a blur.
Six hours on, six hours off, but, uh, I'm managing.
I'm looking at this as an opportunity to enrich myself.
- [Laughs.]
- Man on TV: just like my father.
Ain't that right, Fuzzy? Oh, man, I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can spend another second on here, and I've only been on a week.
Look, I feel ya, bro.
My first year on, no fresh air, no sunlight, the boat rocking back and forth, that god-awful smell, nothing to eat but fish all the time.
I was going crazy, too.
How'd you get through it? Visualization.
Look.
All you have to do is visualize what it is you want on the other side of this, and it'll come true.
Your thoughts control the universe.
So, like, "The Secret"? It's no secret.
I tell everybody.
I'm telling you.
Look, straight up, man.
Just close your eyes, visualize it, and draw that shit.
What are you seeing? Puh-dussy.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
I-I don't know what that is.
I'm swimming in a sea of puh-dussy at the Freak in Martinique festival.
So, that's what gets you through all this, thinking about a Caribbean sex festival? Not one.
All of them.
Bareback in Bahama, Anal Anguilla, Hog-tied in Haiti.
A little painful, but I'm glad I did it.
On Your Knees in the Keys.
Bermuda Beaches and Cream.
Classy shit, Nate.
Classy! Pink-skinned white girls with cornrows.
- You'd like that one.
- Doubt it.
I think you would like that one, man.
Let's see.
What else? Jamaican Jerk Fest, not to be confused with Jamaican Me Horny Fest.
That's in November.
What's your point, man? My point is, visualize it, actualize it, and it'll materialize.
Here, just You do it.
Try it.
Just try it.
Close your eyes, close your eyes.
Come on, come on.
All right, what do you see? I'm in a field.
A field of puh-dussy, yeah.
Nice.
I got my beard back.
Dude, it's a dream.
You don't have to have a beard.
- Just be gay.
- You're gay.
I'm not gay.
I Can you let me dream, please? [Sighs.]
There's my wife.
Nice.
She's so beautiful.
I run up to her, and we just hug so hard.
Okay, a hug, good.
Now reciprocate, and then it's time to fornicate.
- My kids are there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's no kids in fornication field.
We're laughing and hugging and we're standing in front of a house that I built with my bare hands.
It's our home, bought and paid for by seven hard months at sea.
Hey, hold on, hold on.
You maybe could afford this land with what you making, but you ain't building a damn house.
What are you talking about? For $150,000, I get the land, the house, the entire dream, man.
Trust me.
I've researched it.
You should've researched how much this job pays.
I did, okay? It's right here in the brochure.
Up to 150 grand.
It says "up to.
" Oh, shit.
Well, how much am I gonna make? About $30,000.
You'd make $40,000 if you quit crying.
[Sobs.]
No, don't go.
[Crying.]
It's okay, man.
Don't ever give up.
In the meantime, look at my dream.
That's me in the middle right there.
I figured.
You're gonna hurt those girls with that.
Oh, no, man, they can take it.
They freaks like me.
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, it's present time.
- Oh, it's present time.
- Whoo! Merry Christmas! What is that? What's in it? [Gasps.]
Oh, my God! It's a poison ugly shit-tooth fish! - Yes! - Yes! They just outlawed those for Chinese school lunches! What else? I've been saving the best till last.
You guys ready for this? Check it out.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God, it's amazing! It's incredible! I love it! What is it? - Our dream.
- You designed that? I did.
Well, how are we gonna afford that? It's easy.
You visualize, then you actualize, and then it just materializes.
Or maybe you can rob a bank, you stupid idiot.
- Huh? - Yeah, 'cause that's the only way we're gonna have enough money to live in this architectural masterpiece you've drawn, you moron.
You're really losing it, Nate.
You should see what you look like.
You're an awful, horrible, terrible person.
[Voice breaking.]
It's our dream.
Why are you being so mean to me? He's really losing it.
Yeah, I know.
It's only October.
You guys like my drawing, right? - This is my dream.
- Yeah.
Nate: Dear Robin, it's still October.
I don't know how, but it is.
I [Sighs.]
It felt like December.
I don't know.
I'm really losing it.
Are you there? I need to make way more money here.
Write me back.
Okay, bye.
[Coughs.]
[Poker chips clattering.]
[Indistinct conversation.]
Kevin: All right, flip 'em, flip 'em.
- Ooh.
- Hey, guys.
[Coughs.]
- Hi.
- Can we help you? Yeah, I heard this was the place to come triple your paycheck.
It's also the place you can lose three paychecks.
- [Laughs.]
- Hey, man, I cannot do another tour.
Look, out of respect to people who fight in wars, we call them seasons.
You're just fishing, man.
I need money, and drawing shitty pictures ain't gonna make it happen.
Hey, be careful what you say about the pictures.
Please.
All right, come on in, man.
Give him a bucket to sit on.
Thanks.
How do you get through here? All right, here we go.
[Grunting.]
Yeah.
- Goodbye.
- You're too scared.
- You scared? - Goodbye.
What are you guys playing, go fish? Three of a kind, straight, flush, full house.
[Chuckles.]
It's probably named after that show.
- Do you guys remember that show? - Cut it out.
Shut up and play poker.
How rude.
That was also from the show.
You don't remember that show? [Clears throat.]
All right.
Uh, okay, what are those cards? - Those are your cards.
- Those are my cards? Good to know.
Good to know.
Why are we knocking? - Check.
- Check.
Check, got it.
Uh, I should fold.
No.
Check.
- [Knocking on table.]
- Check.
Igor: Okay, let's go.
You check? Yeah, I check.
[Laughing.]
Ohhhh, my! Yeah! Get some! Nate, sit down.
You haven't won anything.
What? Why not? You haven't even bet.
Okay, then I bet.
How much do you bet? I bet all of it.
Then say, "All in.
" You're all in.
All in.
All in.
[Laughs.]
I fold.
I fold.
I call.
You call what? I call your bluff, stupid.
You call me stupid? Well, guess what.
You stupid 'cause I got three of a kind, right there.
K, K, K! Doesn't get much better than that.
It can get a lot better than that.
And those are everybody's cards, actually.
What are you talking about? You said they were my cards.
They're shared cards.
They're everybody's cards.
What is this, socialist poker? What are you talking about? [Igor slams table.]
Four kings.
[Laughs.]
What do you have, Nate, full house? Hmm? What, you got three Uncle Jesses and two Joeys? - [Laughs.]
- If you're embarrassed, man, you don't have to show the cards, man.
Cut your throat! [Laughs.]
That's a good one, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa.
- What? This dummy's got a royal flush.
What's that? He won.
That's the best one.
[Laughs.]
Nothing beats that.
I win! Whoo! No, no, no, no.
He hustle! - Whoo! - He hustle! He's not a hustler.
He's an idiot.
Nobody can be that big of an idiot! I'm that big of an idiot! Come on! [Grunts.]
Igor! You and me, we fight! - Any day, pal.
- I bet I kick your ass! I bet I kick your ass! Okay, I bet you 10 grand! I bet you $150,000! Whoa, that's up to a year's salary.
Okay.
Receiving bay, one hour.
You're on! What's happening in an hour? Your ass whupping.
Oh, yeah.
He gonna kick your ass.
[Windmill creaking.]
Nate: Wow.
We're really gonna do it.
We're actually going to achieve our dream.
I don't know, babe.
Financially, you're way in over your head.
No, I got some guys to front me the cash.
- How? - What do you mean how? They really love me.
Plus 20%.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
You don't have to do this.
Guys, relax, all right? You're forgetting I'm a goon.
All right? I'm good at this.
[Kevin's voice.]
But this Igor guy, he's murdered people for the Russian mob.
[Nanoy's voice.]
With his hands.
He said guns slowed him down.
How do you guys know that? Everybody knows that.
I love you guys so much.
[Smooches.]
I really do.
Man, these visualizations are getting out of control.
We need to tell him the truth.
Nanoy: That's so much crystal meth.
He's gonna get real [bleep.]
up.
You want the captain to smell this shit? It's the only way to mask it.
Igor: Come on, let's fight.
It's time for me to take all your money and your head.
Dad.
Look, man, about those dreams you've been having, man.
Yeah, your system works, man.
It really does.
It's gonna enable me to beat a guy I'd never be able to beat.
No, actually, it's just meth.
That's right, simple math.
I visualize, and then I materialize the person I hate most.
Babe? Why you call me babe? I-I can't fight you.
I love you.
You know what? I'm not gonna let you forfeit.
I'm in the mood for a fight.
[Grunts.]
[Crowd cheering.]
You busted my nose open again.
Yeah, that's 'cause you're a puh-dussy.
Come on, man, I thought you liked to fight.
Let's go.
I'll even give you a free shot.
Come on, right here.
- I can't hit you.
- Why not? 'Cause you're my wife.
No, I'm not.
Holy shit, man! Fight! Why? Because you have to provide for your family! Ohh.
I am on an Alaskan fishing trawler in the middle of the Arctic Ocean.
How is that not providing for my family? By being the lowest-paid guy on the boat.
[Coughing.]
You wouldn't be here if you weren't such a dipshit.
You lost an 80k-a-year job, your house, your car, all because you had really strong opinions about hand sanitizer? Hey, should we stop this? No, I got 20 bucks on the Russian.
Oh! Oh! And then you turned down even more money because of a stupid, meaningless NDA that you refused to sign.
It was right.
It was right.
Oh, my God! You would still rather be right than happy! [Grunts.]
Get up.
Come on! You know what? You could fall into a barrel of lips and still come out with just a handjob.
Give me that hat.
You don't deserve it.
[Sobs.]
My hat.
Dad hat.
Time to accept your fate, loser.
We should really stop this.
I already told you I got 20 bucks on this.
Get up! Get up, you son of a bitch! Come on, get up! Come on, Nate! 20 bucks! Let's go! - Come on, get up! - Come on, Nate! - Come on! - Just picture someone else.
Someone you hate more than your wife.
Now get out there! Go, go! Come on! Yeah, come on, Nate! 20 bucks! Come on! Do you know how much puh-dussy that is? - Come on! Go! - Come on, Nate! - Come on! - Come on! [Voices distorting.]
Come on, let's go! Huh? [Vanessa's voice.]
Your family must no be very impor'ant to you.
What did you just say? I said your family must not be very impor'ant to you.
There's a "t" in the middle of that word.
You're a idiot.
Yeah, come on, Igor.
Igor, get his ass.
- Get it! - Oh! I think I'm about to lose $20.
Yeah! Yeah! Nate: Dear Robin, I haven't heard from you in well, since I got on the boat, so hopefully, you're getting these letters.
But I did want to tell you that I did it, babe.
I made enough money and achieved our dream.
Sailin' over the Dogger Bank Oh, wasn't it a treat? Wind a-blowin' east-nor-east We had to give her sheet You ought to see us runnin' Hey! This is for Chinese school lunches only, all right? I know it's outlawed, but they don't enforce it.
Pay attention! Let's go! She's a proper ju-be-ju Give 'er a sheet and let her rip The boys'll pull her through You ought to see us runnin' The wind a-blowin' free On a passage from the Dogger Bank to gray Grimsby Nate: Oh! Oh, man, it's land.
This is land! These weary legs are back on land! You did all right up there.
You did all right.
Thanks.
Great to meet you.
Save the goodbyes.
You'll be back in a couple months.
No.
I got my money.
Dude, the money goes fast, then you want more.
Oh, hey, babies.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What's going on, baby? Hey, you should come with us to the Caymans, man.
Sex fests so hot they don't even have a stupid name for it.
Nah.
I already "Cayman" my wife.
You know, and we had kids, 'cause my semen.
Family's my thing.
That's my dream.
That's really sweet, man.
I'm jealous.
[Woman chuckles.]
All right, I'm gonna go drown myself in rum and puh-dussy.
Let's go, ladies.
All right, bye.
See you around.
I'm going with puh-dussy.
Hey, you need a ride? No, I'm good.
My family's gonna pick me up.
They'll be here.
[Seagulls crying.]
Oh, isn't that your sister? I need to talk to my sister.
It's important! - I remember that broad.
- Oh, my God.
- Why's she all covered in cake? - It doesn't matter.
And what is the story with all of these Oriental cowboys? Japanese, okay, and it's way too long a story to tell.
Well, tell me something, for Christ's sake.
What, do you want to just talk about the weather? "Well, the winters are a little tough up here, Joe.
" Winters are a little tough up here, Joe.
Well, there we go.
Now we're conversating.
Tell me about your Alaskan winter.
How did you survive? - We didn't.
- We didn't.
Do you have to go? Come on, baby.
One of us has to work.
Whale's Tail is closed.
Where else am I gonna make 150 grand? Why'd you shave? What? It's a fresh, new start, okay? I'm gonna make enough money off that boat.
We're gonna buy some land, we're gonna build a house, and we're never gonna have to run again.
I just I really liked your beard.
Well, then I'll grow it back, okay? Should be coming in nice in about seven months.
Oh, my God, that's so long.
It's gonna be over in no time, I promise.
No, it won't.
This'll be the longest seven months you ever spend.
That goes for both of you.
You better hurry up.
A storm's brewing.
Let's go, ladies.
[Seagulls crying.]
Uh, hey, Dad, I got you something.
What? [Voice breaking.]
A book on fishing? Oh, boy.
Here, don't cry, but I got you a hat.
[Sniffles.]
It says "Dad.
" 'Cause I'm your dad.
I'm gonna get you a "Son" hat.
Why? Winter's coming.
There's gonna be, like, no sun.
No, no, no, "Son" in I had a big speech planned, and, um, I'm just a little overcome with emotion, so Babe, you don't have to do that.
I do.
I'm gonna read it.
It's sad.
I wrote it down on c cards.
[Crying.]
Notes to my family.
- Jesus.
- Ew.
[Normal voice.]
Look at that, huh.
It's a sign from above.
From who, the seagull? Babe, can you quit it with the atheist crap for one minute? - Please? - Yeah.
Sorry.
Okay.
You guys mean everything to me.
You're my sole reason for existing.
Everything I do, I do for you go - Aah! - Cool it.
It's just a little bird poop.
- It's in my hair! - It's fi Oh! How are they shitting sideways? What the We got to go.
We got to go, sweetie.
- Just be safe.
We love you.
- Okay, just wait.
Let me Hold on! Hold on, just just just give me a minute.
Please, please.
Make peace with your weaknesses, okay? That's the thing that Laughter.
Laughter's really the best medicine.
- Aah! - Ah, Jared.
[As Sean Connery.]
You're the man, now, dawg.
What the hell does that even mean? [Normal voice.]
Okay, take it one day at a time.
Gun safety.
That's a thing.
They can be dangerous but also fun to shoot.
I don't know why we're talking about that.
Oh, my God, you asshole! - Aah! - Ew! Yeah.
You know what, sweetheart? You really We got to go.
We got to wrap this up.
I love you so much.
- Stay safe.
- One last thing, one last thing.
I didn't get you a ring.
- What? - I didn't get you a ring 'cause, you know, you already have one, but, uh, will you marry me? Babe? Oh, my God, yeah.
Of course, yes! Of course I will.
Literally the second I get back.
- Absolutely.
- Okay? - Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! - The jacket! Let's save that 'cause of the shit in your mouth and everything.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you.
I love you so much.
Have fun.
Bye.
Everything I do, I do for God! How can you have that much shit in you? Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Nate: Dearest Robin, it's day one.
Being apart from you and the kids is hell, but life here isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
The ocean is my companion.
The views from the deck are mesmerizing.
The salt spray and the vitamin D on my skin is [Grunts.]
Oh, God! - Hey.
- Oh, my God! [Russian accent.]
Asshole, get below deck where you belong.
And give me your hat.
You don't need it.
What? No, it's my hat.
It says "Dad.
" So what? I am Dad.
I have mug, also.
Hat will complete collection, unless they have shirt.
- I said no.
- Okay.
[Spits.]
We fight for it.
What? No.
I will get hat from you one day, little man.
I am number-one dad in all of Russia-controlled Ukraine.
Now you get below deck! Okay.
I forget how to get down.
You boys ready to get some? Fishing really is an art form.
The harsh geometry of the nets, the sinewy curves of the scaling knife.
Sea life is like a foreign jewel with a million facets.
Whoa.
- Hey, man.
- What? What's this one called? How should I know? Poison ugly shit-tooth fish.
That goes down the B-line for Chinese school lunches.
Let's go! Come on, man, let's work.
Okay, sorry.
It's surprisingly romantic work.
Hey, this is pretty good for the soul.
S-O-L-E, though.
That's hake.
No, I know.
I was just making a dad joke, you know? Dad.
I think I should be able to make it through this.
My days sort of bleed into one another.
It's a bit of a blur.
Six hours on, six hours off, but, uh, I'm managing.
I'm looking at this as an opportunity to enrich myself.
- [Laughs.]
- Man on TV: just like my father.
Ain't that right, Fuzzy? Oh, man, I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can spend another second on here, and I've only been on a week.
Look, I feel ya, bro.
My first year on, no fresh air, no sunlight, the boat rocking back and forth, that god-awful smell, nothing to eat but fish all the time.
I was going crazy, too.
How'd you get through it? Visualization.
Look.
All you have to do is visualize what it is you want on the other side of this, and it'll come true.
Your thoughts control the universe.
So, like, "The Secret"? It's no secret.
I tell everybody.
I'm telling you.
Look, straight up, man.
Just close your eyes, visualize it, and draw that shit.
What are you seeing? Puh-dussy.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
I-I don't know what that is.
I'm swimming in a sea of puh-dussy at the Freak in Martinique festival.
So, that's what gets you through all this, thinking about a Caribbean sex festival? Not one.
All of them.
Bareback in Bahama, Anal Anguilla, Hog-tied in Haiti.
A little painful, but I'm glad I did it.
On Your Knees in the Keys.
Bermuda Beaches and Cream.
Classy shit, Nate.
Classy! Pink-skinned white girls with cornrows.
- You'd like that one.
- Doubt it.
I think you would like that one, man.
Let's see.
What else? Jamaican Jerk Fest, not to be confused with Jamaican Me Horny Fest.
That's in November.
What's your point, man? My point is, visualize it, actualize it, and it'll materialize.
Here, just You do it.
Try it.
Just try it.
Close your eyes, close your eyes.
Come on, come on.
All right, what do you see? I'm in a field.
A field of puh-dussy, yeah.
Nice.
I got my beard back.
Dude, it's a dream.
You don't have to have a beard.
- Just be gay.
- You're gay.
I'm not gay.
I Can you let me dream, please? [Sighs.]
There's my wife.
Nice.
She's so beautiful.
I run up to her, and we just hug so hard.
Okay, a hug, good.
Now reciprocate, and then it's time to fornicate.
- My kids are there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's no kids in fornication field.
We're laughing and hugging and we're standing in front of a house that I built with my bare hands.
It's our home, bought and paid for by seven hard months at sea.
Hey, hold on, hold on.
You maybe could afford this land with what you making, but you ain't building a damn house.
What are you talking about? For $150,000, I get the land, the house, the entire dream, man.
Trust me.
I've researched it.
You should've researched how much this job pays.
I did, okay? It's right here in the brochure.
Up to 150 grand.
It says "up to.
" Oh, shit.
Well, how much am I gonna make? About $30,000.
You'd make $40,000 if you quit crying.
[Sobs.]
No, don't go.
[Crying.]
It's okay, man.
Don't ever give up.
In the meantime, look at my dream.
That's me in the middle right there.
I figured.
You're gonna hurt those girls with that.
Oh, no, man, they can take it.
They freaks like me.
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, it's present time.
- Oh, it's present time.
- Whoo! Merry Christmas! What is that? What's in it? [Gasps.]
Oh, my God! It's a poison ugly shit-tooth fish! - Yes! - Yes! They just outlawed those for Chinese school lunches! What else? I've been saving the best till last.
You guys ready for this? Check it out.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God, it's amazing! It's incredible! I love it! What is it? - Our dream.
- You designed that? I did.
Well, how are we gonna afford that? It's easy.
You visualize, then you actualize, and then it just materializes.
Or maybe you can rob a bank, you stupid idiot.
- Huh? - Yeah, 'cause that's the only way we're gonna have enough money to live in this architectural masterpiece you've drawn, you moron.
You're really losing it, Nate.
You should see what you look like.
You're an awful, horrible, terrible person.
[Voice breaking.]
It's our dream.
Why are you being so mean to me? He's really losing it.
Yeah, I know.
It's only October.
You guys like my drawing, right? - This is my dream.
- Yeah.
Nate: Dear Robin, it's still October.
I don't know how, but it is.
I [Sighs.]
It felt like December.
I don't know.
I'm really losing it.
Are you there? I need to make way more money here.
Write me back.
Okay, bye.
[Coughs.]
[Poker chips clattering.]
[Indistinct conversation.]
Kevin: All right, flip 'em, flip 'em.
- Ooh.
- Hey, guys.
[Coughs.]
- Hi.
- Can we help you? Yeah, I heard this was the place to come triple your paycheck.
It's also the place you can lose three paychecks.
- [Laughs.]
- Hey, man, I cannot do another tour.
Look, out of respect to people who fight in wars, we call them seasons.
You're just fishing, man.
I need money, and drawing shitty pictures ain't gonna make it happen.
Hey, be careful what you say about the pictures.
Please.
All right, come on in, man.
Give him a bucket to sit on.
Thanks.
How do you get through here? All right, here we go.
[Grunting.]
Yeah.
- Goodbye.
- You're too scared.
- You scared? - Goodbye.
What are you guys playing, go fish? Three of a kind, straight, flush, full house.
[Chuckles.]
It's probably named after that show.
- Do you guys remember that show? - Cut it out.
Shut up and play poker.
How rude.
That was also from the show.
You don't remember that show? [Clears throat.]
All right.
Uh, okay, what are those cards? - Those are your cards.
- Those are my cards? Good to know.
Good to know.
Why are we knocking? - Check.
- Check.
Check, got it.
Uh, I should fold.
No.
Check.
- [Knocking on table.]
- Check.
Igor: Okay, let's go.
You check? Yeah, I check.
[Laughing.]
Ohhhh, my! Yeah! Get some! Nate, sit down.
You haven't won anything.
What? Why not? You haven't even bet.
Okay, then I bet.
How much do you bet? I bet all of it.
Then say, "All in.
" You're all in.
All in.
All in.
[Laughs.]
I fold.
I fold.
I call.
You call what? I call your bluff, stupid.
You call me stupid? Well, guess what.
You stupid 'cause I got three of a kind, right there.
K, K, K! Doesn't get much better than that.
It can get a lot better than that.
And those are everybody's cards, actually.
What are you talking about? You said they were my cards.
They're shared cards.
They're everybody's cards.
What is this, socialist poker? What are you talking about? [Igor slams table.]
Four kings.
[Laughs.]
What do you have, Nate, full house? Hmm? What, you got three Uncle Jesses and two Joeys? - [Laughs.]
- If you're embarrassed, man, you don't have to show the cards, man.
Cut your throat! [Laughs.]
That's a good one, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa.
- What? This dummy's got a royal flush.
What's that? He won.
That's the best one.
[Laughs.]
Nothing beats that.
I win! Whoo! No, no, no, no.
He hustle! - Whoo! - He hustle! He's not a hustler.
He's an idiot.
Nobody can be that big of an idiot! I'm that big of an idiot! Come on! [Grunts.]
Igor! You and me, we fight! - Any day, pal.
- I bet I kick your ass! I bet I kick your ass! Okay, I bet you 10 grand! I bet you $150,000! Whoa, that's up to a year's salary.
Okay.
Receiving bay, one hour.
You're on! What's happening in an hour? Your ass whupping.
Oh, yeah.
He gonna kick your ass.
[Windmill creaking.]
Nate: Wow.
We're really gonna do it.
We're actually going to achieve our dream.
I don't know, babe.
Financially, you're way in over your head.
No, I got some guys to front me the cash.
- How? - What do you mean how? They really love me.
Plus 20%.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
You don't have to do this.
Guys, relax, all right? You're forgetting I'm a goon.
All right? I'm good at this.
[Kevin's voice.]
But this Igor guy, he's murdered people for the Russian mob.
[Nanoy's voice.]
With his hands.
He said guns slowed him down.
How do you guys know that? Everybody knows that.
I love you guys so much.
[Smooches.]
I really do.
Man, these visualizations are getting out of control.
We need to tell him the truth.
Nanoy: That's so much crystal meth.
He's gonna get real [bleep.]
up.
You want the captain to smell this shit? It's the only way to mask it.
Igor: Come on, let's fight.
It's time for me to take all your money and your head.
Dad.
Look, man, about those dreams you've been having, man.
Yeah, your system works, man.
It really does.
It's gonna enable me to beat a guy I'd never be able to beat.
No, actually, it's just meth.
That's right, simple math.
I visualize, and then I materialize the person I hate most.
Babe? Why you call me babe? I-I can't fight you.
I love you.
You know what? I'm not gonna let you forfeit.
I'm in the mood for a fight.
[Grunts.]
[Crowd cheering.]
You busted my nose open again.
Yeah, that's 'cause you're a puh-dussy.
Come on, man, I thought you liked to fight.
Let's go.
I'll even give you a free shot.
Come on, right here.
- I can't hit you.
- Why not? 'Cause you're my wife.
No, I'm not.
Holy shit, man! Fight! Why? Because you have to provide for your family! Ohh.
I am on an Alaskan fishing trawler in the middle of the Arctic Ocean.
How is that not providing for my family? By being the lowest-paid guy on the boat.
[Coughing.]
You wouldn't be here if you weren't such a dipshit.
You lost an 80k-a-year job, your house, your car, all because you had really strong opinions about hand sanitizer? Hey, should we stop this? No, I got 20 bucks on the Russian.
Oh! Oh! And then you turned down even more money because of a stupid, meaningless NDA that you refused to sign.
It was right.
It was right.
Oh, my God! You would still rather be right than happy! [Grunts.]
Get up.
Come on! You know what? You could fall into a barrel of lips and still come out with just a handjob.
Give me that hat.
You don't deserve it.
[Sobs.]
My hat.
Dad hat.
Time to accept your fate, loser.
We should really stop this.
I already told you I got 20 bucks on this.
Get up! Get up, you son of a bitch! Come on, get up! Come on, Nate! 20 bucks! Let's go! - Come on, get up! - Come on, Nate! - Come on! - Just picture someone else.
Someone you hate more than your wife.
Now get out there! Go, go! Come on! Yeah, come on, Nate! 20 bucks! Come on! Do you know how much puh-dussy that is? - Come on! Go! - Come on, Nate! - Come on! - Come on! [Voices distorting.]
Come on, let's go! Huh? [Vanessa's voice.]
Your family must no be very impor'ant to you.
What did you just say? I said your family must not be very impor'ant to you.
There's a "t" in the middle of that word.
You're a idiot.
Yeah, come on, Igor.
Igor, get his ass.
- Get it! - Oh! I think I'm about to lose $20.
Yeah! Yeah! Nate: Dear Robin, I haven't heard from you in well, since I got on the boat, so hopefully, you're getting these letters.
But I did want to tell you that I did it, babe.
I made enough money and achieved our dream.
Sailin' over the Dogger Bank Oh, wasn't it a treat? Wind a-blowin' east-nor-east We had to give her sheet You ought to see us runnin' Hey! This is for Chinese school lunches only, all right? I know it's outlawed, but they don't enforce it.
Pay attention! Let's go! She's a proper ju-be-ju Give 'er a sheet and let her rip The boys'll pull her through You ought to see us runnin' The wind a-blowin' free On a passage from the Dogger Bank to gray Grimsby Nate: Oh! Oh, man, it's land.
This is land! These weary legs are back on land! You did all right up there.
You did all right.
Thanks.
Great to meet you.
Save the goodbyes.
You'll be back in a couple months.
No.
I got my money.
Dude, the money goes fast, then you want more.
Oh, hey, babies.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What's going on, baby? Hey, you should come with us to the Caymans, man.
Sex fests so hot they don't even have a stupid name for it.
Nah.
I already "Cayman" my wife.
You know, and we had kids, 'cause my semen.
Family's my thing.
That's my dream.
That's really sweet, man.
I'm jealous.
[Woman chuckles.]
All right, I'm gonna go drown myself in rum and puh-dussy.
Let's go, ladies.
All right, bye.
See you around.
I'm going with puh-dussy.
Hey, you need a ride? No, I'm good.
My family's gonna pick me up.
They'll be here.
[Seagulls crying.]