The Durrells (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 I love the weekend.
We get to spend more time together.
- What? - Mm, amazing.
You don't need us.
You've got Frank now.
Get a hobby.
You always told me that before I got a job.
My hobby will always be you, my own darling sloths.
- Hello, Durrells! - Spiros! Hey! Mrs Durrells, lovelier than a spring morning.
As are you.
Where have you been, Spiros? Busy, driving around a new family.
A what? An Italian family.
They came here like you.
To start a new life.
What are they like? Charming, perfect.
They live in the big pink villa.
You will love them.
Well, do come back later, Spiros.
We're going swimming.
Oh er I'm sorry, the Ferrari family need me.
Oh.
Well fine.
Oh, why I came.
The fire brigade need volunteers.
So, interested? No.
It's not safe.
I don't want them getting singed.
- Yes, in between my police shifts.
- Sure.
Might be fun.
Bene! Arrivederci! Yes.
Yes, that's it, Roger.
You have a good look around.
Just don't go to the lavatory.
Oh kali mera.
Er, skylos er My dog seems to like it here.
You're English.
Hello.
Hello.
Louisa Durrell.
Oh, yes, Spiros told me about you.
I'm Guido Ferrari, and those are my daughters, Clara, Violetta, and my son Paolo.
Oh.
Hello! What breed is he? Oh, he's a mongrel.
Though, aren't we all? "Speak for yourself," they're thinking.
It's a pleasure to meet a fellow foreigner.
- We're learning the ropes.
- With the help of Spiros.
Ah, yes.
He's a local genius.
Isn't he? You must come for a bella colazione.
~ Blimey.
Erm Milate Englezika? Yes, I speak English, but why should I? Good question.
You seem like a man with a modern and international outlook.
I am.
Well, we hear you need more firemen.
Yes.
First you take a physical test.
I'm a policeman, so I'm fighting fit.
And I'm wily, which is just as important in an emergency.
You will take a physical test.
How nice to be out with you again.
Who's doing your job? Please don't tell me Margo is doing x-rays by herself.
She's very efficient, in fact.
But no, the machine's broken.
I'm waiting for a spare part.
Er Er Come on.
Where are you? Yia sas.
Yiasou.
Ti psahnete? What are we looking for? ~ I look for birds also.
Join us, please.
Come on! We mustn't be late for the Ferraris! Oh, Margo, what's Frank done to you? I fell asleep with food on my face, he got overexcited.
It's just a few licks.
Can we not mention Daphne's pregnancy to the Italians, please? - Why not? - I think it just might give them the wrong impression.
Is this the best we can look? Wish we could afford new wardrobes.
"Distrust all enterprises that require new clothes" -- EM Forster.
What an utter idiot.
Who's Ian Foster, anyway? EM Forster! God Almighty! Shut your face! And can we not curse at lunch? Mmm.
So, let's say we are here to recharge our batteries.
Italy can feel a bit suffocating.
Especially now Mussolini is in power.
And you thought Caligula and Nero stank.
Politics.
I say they're bad for the digestion.
Larry's a writer with very firm views.
About everything.
Which he shares.
Mmm.
You look wonderful in that dress.
Thank you.
It's one of my late mother's.
It's a bit rude that, turning up late.
Late as in dead.
Er, dead in a lovely way.
Your English is perfect.
We have a tin ear for languages.
Not even tin.
What's worse than tin? Cardboard.
I'm a writer.
But also a man of action.
I'm in the fire brigade.
It's for working men, doing an heroic job.
Yeah, me too.
And I'm a policeman, so if any of you are robbed or on fire, I'm your man.
Sorry about my face.
An animal licked it.
Your face and body are so nice.
Steady.
Mmm.
Pass the spuds.
- Violetta, passa le patate.
- Oh, sorry.
In Siena, we had staff.
I fear the children are not used to helping out.
Well, they'll learn.
They're so attractive and delightful.
So, the Ferraris are an inspiration.
Did you count their pets? None.
Well, Clara inspired me.
Mm, I thought you were going to sit on her lap.
I nearly did.
Taxi to Lesbos.
Agh! It's not like that.
I just I want to be here.
- Larry, don't be lewd.
- Sorry.
You're really not going to like my new novel.
I think you're comparing us to them and we are losing.
- Nonsense.
- Why do you care? Because you're my life's work, and you're special.
And I want other people to know that.
We are going to have to make a hell of an effort when they come to our house.
Two minutes, 18 seconds! You pass.
Yes! Yes! - And what's the record? - Two minutes, 18 seconds.
YES! It's the first time we have done it.
Right.
That's quite a fire risk you've got on your face there.
Take it easy, Les.
Breathe.
Please let him pass.
He'll be really good fun, and he adores a uniform.
No, this is an important test of keeping calm.
Too slow.
Well, it's too small! What are you trying to do, kill me?! You fail.
I fail? And these are your crew? Grrr! We love the house.
We want to do it up, - but we're just waiting for a sizeable inheritance to come through.
- Ah.
Easiest way to make money.
Go on.
A much-loved aunt.
I still feel rather lost without her.
Please.
I'm afraid Larry his finishing his third, excellent, soon-to-be-published novel.
Agh! Stupid bloody! Have a cake.
- They look gorgeous.
- No, YOU look gorgeous.
Pardon me, I drop the sandwiches.
She's clumsy.
The Greeks are clumsy.
What? My father is correct.
No, he isn't.
~ Mmm.
Mrs Durrell, you're a charming host and an excellent cook.
Thank you.
My children are very good cooks, too.
I have a favour to ask.
Will you teach Clara and Violetta how to be women and run a house? Oh, well, I I'm not sure they're the same thing.
You just need to put in little comma after 'women' -- Since their mother died.
Well, I do miss passing on feminine wisdom to Margo now that she has a fulfilling job and handsome boyfriend.
(Somebody shoot me, please.
) And I could pay Leslie to teach Paolo how to sail.
Oh, I'm sure he'd be happy to help.
Oh.
Our chauffeur.
Ragazzi! Andiamo! - Oh, see you later.
- Violetta! You've been a stranger.
Since they arrived.
- Are you bored with us? - No.
I have to earn a living.
I'm only doing for them what I did for you.
Oh, right.
What does it mean, "right"? Well, it means that I thought we were more to you than just customers, but no.
Well, to me, right now .
.
you're being a pain in the ass.
It's good to know where we stand.
- Anything good? - Mm.
Theo lent me it.
Modern Firefighting.
Well, I have no useful thoughts to share on firefighting.
Budge up.
Hm.
"The modern hose" Spiros and I had an argument.
I thought we were special to him, as he is to us, but maybe we're just customers.
- He didn't really think that.
- I don't know.
I'm looking forward to teaching the girls, though.
Mm.
They seem strangely lifeless.
You'll end up with the daddy.
- With you, there's always love interest.
- Mr Ferrari? No.
There's something eerie about him.
Poor Leslie.
Not being a fireman.
Is there anyone you don't worry about? For him, it's like climbing a house.
And he already has one on his back.
A tortoise shell is not a shell at all, in fact.
It's made up of 60 different bones, which is interesting.
I must go home.
Shall we meet here again tomorrow? Yes.
Two o'clock? Lovely, and this time Galini will track down the vulture.
Lovely girl.
Yes.
Yes, she is.
You can't mope around feeling inferior.
- I know.
- Good.
So, there an operation Dr Petrides can do - to improve my head? - No! Listen.
Perfection is a mirage.
Well, it's a mirage worth fighting for.
Look at me.
Since I had the baby, there are days I look complete a hag, but I'm still the same person.
Does that actually mean anything? You're right.
I'll get my make-up bag.
And see if you have anything that will make me look modelly.
I need to impress Clara.
The youth, they're here for the lessons.
Thank you, Spiros.
I'm sorry.
I know you have to work.
What have you come dressed for? Ascot? Right.
So, where shall we start? Do you know how to boil an egg? No.
Can you buy them already boiled? Come on.
So, this is the tiller.
In Italian, "tillo", probably.
You all right? Yes.
So er, any plans while you're in Corfu? You may be overdoing the strong and silent.
It's actually quite boring to everyone else.
What are you doing, man? I don't know.
You're a weird one.
Right, let's gut fish.
There we are.
You put your head in the hole.
Lugaretzia will model hers for you.
Bit more of a display, Luga.
We're trying to make drudgery look attractive.
You have fun at home.
Yes.
Yes, we do.
- Do you not have fun? - No.
Is that why you moved to Corfu? No, we came here to recharge our batteries.
Oh.
Well Leslie caught this.
So, who's going to operate? Be careful.
Cos sometimes they squirt.
So Ooh.
Here we are.
And while she's doing that, you seem shy, Violetta, and our gramophone is broken, so your challenge is to sing us a song.
La ragazze di Monitcelli Sono belle dai piedi ai capelli Forse e colpa della luna I want more girls in my family.
Le ragazze di tutta Firenze Per le quali non ho preferenze Hanno quel nonsocche che Le piacciono a tutti E anche a me I haven't met Clara but I'm sure she can't hold a candle to you now.
Yes, I think a vulture nest.
Did you know that vultures have intensely corrosive stomach acid, so can digest pathogens fatal to most creatures? I didn't know that.
Thank you, Theo.
~ Oh, I'm none the wiser.
But thank you.
He's very good, isn't he? He's like a cross between Lord Kitchener and bush.
I must learn more Greek.
Much thanks for that.
Did you understand? I'm going to say yes.
And I want to show you this.
I know you're a moderniser like me, and there are innovations here which will go down a storm.
You are too close to the chief.
Oh, sorry.
A pole gets you to the fire several seconds quicker.
Gerry.
Were you with that little girl you mentioned? Galina? Galephone? Goliath? Galini.
Galini.
Yes.
- And Theo.
- Oh.
He came along.
Yes.
He did.
I like being with her.
And Theo's there.
Chatting and giving us facts.
So, he's in the way, and you don't know how to tell him.
And you know how much I love Theo.
- He's normally so clever, but -- - You need to go and let him know.
He's the loveliest man.
He'll understand.
- You tell him.
- No, you tell him.
No, you tell him.
I'll tell you what.
After a day with Paolo, I'll be glad to be among criminals.
- Why? - There's something not right about him.
His hands are shaking, it's like he's keyed up.
And the sisters are sweet but they seem to be living in fear.
Are you saying that just to make me feel less inferior? No, and I apologise for putting them on a pedestal.
I asked Clara if they'd met anyone nice, and she said their father's never liked the Greeks.
So, why did they come here? Well, exactly.
What do you think? Gerry? Aren't we meeting Galini this afternoon? Yes.
Yes, no, that's the plan.
Come and look.
These copepods have turned the water orange.
Freshwater biology is utterly potty.
I know.
What could it be? Perhaps iron oxide contamination? Theo, I really want to spend some time alone with Galini without you there.
- I could not be more mortified -- - Don't.
Honestly.
There I was, rattling on like an uninvited drunk at a wedding.
Theo, you're making me feel awful.
Support his head.
Oh, and hold the cloth.
His favourite things are dribbling and being volcanically sick.
Hello? I spoke to my colleague at Customs.
He says the Ferraris left Italy in a hurry.
- What makes him think that? - Hardly any luggage, hasty paperwork, no money to speak of.
We are starting to wonder about the Ferrari family.
Including why you're penniless but providing a free finishing school? Hmm.
Erm, as much as I like the girls, I wouldn't trust them with a turnip, let alone a baby.
Bravo! You're installing a fireman's pole.
I'm not used to people following my advice.
This is not all.
Modern alarm.
Break the glass to operate, better than in Athens.
Wonderful.
Should it be in here, though? The fire station.
Well, we have them everywhere.
Ah.
Good.
Well, I brought my typewriter, so I'm not late.
Plus, it's hard to work in a house full of Italian debutants.
How are my daughters' lessons? They're with my friend Florence.
Learning how to change a nappy.
It's a device baby's wear that needs to be changed regularly.
Hmm.
So why did you really up sticks and move here so quickly? My girls.
My girls, they were horribly spoiled.
In Italy, and my son as you say, he needs to find his way.
What can you do? Mrs Durrells? Er, the fire brigade are looking for volunteers, if Paolo fancies that.
Well, if you'll excuse us, - we have erm - Yes.
Men.
Work.
Business.
I'll be off.
Gerry, of course, was too nice to tell me I was being a gigantic gooseberry.
If I'd have been a bigger gooseberry, I'd have rolled into Corfu town, and killed a few people.
We are back at the races.
- Where are they from, your Ferraris? - Siena.
Oh, I have friends there.
You know everyone and everything.
Your life must be so tiring.
These friends work in lady's underwear.
- I love saying that.
- Ask them about the Ferraris.
We think they may be a bit dodgy.
Still, I'd take dodgy but beautiful any day.
If you're desperate, Friday is the famous Day of St Spiridion.
- Spiros.
- What's that? He is the patron saint of Corfu and has healing and magic powers.
And on his saint's day, and for one day only, you can kiss his mummified feet and make a wish, for whatever your heart desires.
The nest is empty.
There.
It fell out.
It's parents must have abandoned it.
We must rescue it together.
Our baby, we will look after you.
It's happening! No, you're supposed to wait until the pole has been fitted.
Silly.
Me! Oof! Ah.
Paolo.
Welcome to the Corfu Fire Brigade.
We've never argued before.
No.
Let's never do it again.
No.
I think the Ferrari family threw us off balance.
- Yeah.
- And I'm sorry, but I don't trust Papa.
That's a shame, because I lent him a lot of money.
Why, Spiros? A taxi driver, no matter how special -- - And handsome.
- And handsome.
Should not be lending money to posh Italians who live in a huge villa.
That I want to live in.
I'm just trying to to think the best of people.
And that's why we love you so much.
Well, that and the being Handsome, yes.
So, you have to kiss his slippers? Yes.
Have you done it before? Yes.
Did you get what you wanted? Yes, winter boots.
Well, I'll give it a go.
I'm going to ask for inner and outer perfection.
Yes.
Try.
- 38 seconds for your test.
- Thanks.
- That's pretty good.
- You? Just over that, but I did hold the record before you.
Erm you don't seem very happy.
No.
And why is that, do you think? Sometimes .
.
things get a bit much.
Yeah.
If we're going to do it, do it properly.
So, how is your friend, Galini? She's fine.
Very well.
If you want any advice, son, you can come to me.
Stop it.
Yes, ignore them, Gerry.
I see you used the old 'Come and look at my vulture' line.
Ah.
Book about vultures.
I'll come back later.
No, no, no, do come in.
- What can we do for you? - Did that handsome farmer with the bruised coccyx complain about me? No, why? Nothing.
Well, anyway, I came because I mentioned the Ferraris to my friend in Siena, who know everyone, and they telegraphed back to say the family have a big secret which has been hushed up.
Paolo ran down an elderly man in a car and killed him.
I could tell, you know? - So, they fled here to escape prosecution? - Looks like it.
- Well, as a policeman -- - At least it shows the father does care about the son, - however misguidedly.
- So not such a better family than us after all.
What can we do? Talk to them about it? - We could tip off the police.
- Or is it none of our business? Clara's too beautiful to suffer.
Well, in my experience, family secrets are like ants.
Where there's one, there are usually a whole lot more.
Mrs Durrell, let's make a dress.
No, I want to collect eggs.
Or can we kill a chicken? I'm afraid today has to be our last session.
- Why? - Oh.
No.
This is serious.
We've heard that your brother ran over and killed a man.
Paolo was very unlucky.
So, he should go home and argue that in a court of law.
And if it was Leslie, would you say that? I hope so.
You're not telling me everything.
You should go.
No, please.
Look, I am supposed to be teaching you how to be a woman, like I should know, and we don't have as much power as men.
So, the very least we can do is spread a little bit of honesty in this very dishonest world.
Father What's the matter with you? My children, they drive me mad, but they shout.
They don't hold back just because I'm a parent.
Quite the opposite.
Father owes money.
So, we couldn't bribe the police to drop the case.
Ever since Mother died he's a bully.
Well let's talk to your father about that when he gets here.
Shall we? Come on.
- Morning, Chief.
- Kalimera.
Moustache is blooming.
Erm so I've got a lot of writing to do.
So I'm resigning, if that's all right with you.
Yes.
You're not going to try and persuade me to stay? No.
I have Paolo now.
I have the pole! Well done.
Erm could we have a chat? So, this car accident you had in Italy .
.
you were driving recklessly? Italians in cars it's like leaving a cat in charge of a chainsaw.
It was just bad luck.
You're obviously physically adept.
- So what? - So I can't imagine you losing control.
There's no connection.
My father is a very good driver.
Why do you say that? - Daddy was driving and made you take the blame.
- No.
Then whisked you away so you don't blurt out the truth.
Because like Leslie, your oppo in the Ferrari-Durrell battle of the clans, you're a terrible liar.
You can't tell anyone.
You can't put that down.
You can in Italy.
Well, you're here now.
Mutiny.
Well done.
I can't believe I'm saying that.
Oh, Spiros.
Oh.
You've driven Spiros's car.
Yes.
I borrowed it.
I did that once.
He didn't like it.
You can take your girls back when I've said this.
We know why you fled here.
Because of what Paolo did.
- That is my affair.
- And it's his.
And your daughters' and the victim's family's, and, well, everyone on Corfu who isn't keen on being run over.
You don't tell me.
You're a shrill mother who allows animals inside her house - and can't control her children.
- Shrill? Who do you think you are? Well, you think I'm someone who's here to offer free tutoring to your family and who's about to inherit money for you to leach off, as you have off Spiros.
When my husband died, I smothered my children with love.
You have smothered your children with the opposite.
~ I will not take lessons in behaviour from a woman - who's a friend of a known homosexual.
- What?! And whose son has impregnated a peasant.
We do not think of Daphne or anyone else on this island as a peasant! And we are happy! That she is having a baby with Leslie.
I don't think so, do you? It was him that was driving and made Paolo take the blame.
Paolo, for God's sake, stand up to your father.
It's an embarrassment.
You could take him in a punch.
~ It's a question of road safety.
I will swallow these if I have to.
Everyone! Galini and I have rescued a young vulture.
They normally groan when I bring an animal back.
Once they got so angry they tied me .
.
to a tree.
~ Sorry.
Clara! I just hope we've sown enough seeds of rebellion in them.
God help them otherwise.
Sorry.
Signomi.
I'm not well.
Then eine thinaton.
Oh, this is bad.
Since kissing those rancid holy slippers, I've felt worse.
You didn't actually touch them with your lips? Of course I did.
How else was I going to make the magic work? You're supposed to kiss the air.
Otherwise, you pick up germs of all the other sick people.
Well, they should have a sign saying that Sorry.
I believe this is your vehicle.
- I believe it is.
- Needless to say, it wasn't me who took it.
I know.
Taking my car is far worse than not paying back my money.
He did some bad things in Italy.
I made a mistake about him.
There's trusting and there's stupid.
My wife isn't happy I lent her money and probably lost it.
- Oh, Spiros.
- For you it was worth it.
I was worried you and Mr Ferrari would end up together.
You have no idea about women.
No.
I don't.
I seem to be drifting further away from perfection than I'd hoped.
Do you think Zoltan will still love me looking like this? No.
If he come, hide.
Right.
I'm going over to the Ferraris to talk to them.
No, don't.
They're not your family.
He's right.
Who said, "Children begin by loving their parents.
After a time, they judge them.
Rarely do they forgive them?" I don't mean us.
I mean them, actually.
- What happened? - We are going back to Italy.
No, you mustn't! Don't look at me.
I kissed some disastrous slippers.
Clara realised you were right.
We spent all night rowing with father, and insisting he admit the truth.
I'm so proud of you.
But remember to always respect your parent.
- What? - Make your mind up! Oh, shut up.
We felt bad because Father borrowed money, especially from Spiros.
We have this.
My father's watch is worth They're for Spiros.
- Sorry.
- Fair enough.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
We must go.
We leave today.
Bye.
Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Cheerio.
Goodbye.
Ella.
Ella.
Ella.
Ella.
Sorry.
- What were you doing? - I don't know.
So, Project 'Be Better Than The Other Family' is over.
- Oh, Larry.
- Yeah, we won, after a slow start.
Well, it may have started like that, but in the end, it just made me realise how vulnerable all families are.
I promise I'll never complain to anyone else again.
But it does mean we're the best foreign family on the island again.
What the hell is wrong with Gerry? It's your birthday! - Apple bobbing contest! - Why won't she just let me grow up?! Go! Squeeze harder! You have to tell me, what is the matter with you? You look like you're finally in love.
- You need to talk to Spiros.
- What's happened? - I think you know already.
- Oh, Spiros.