The Exes (2011) s03e05 Episode Script

Eden, where have you been? Haskell's gonna be here any second.
Thank you, I love my new bag too.
What are you talking about? Nobody said anything about your bag.
Oh, it's the latest design by Ken Phillips.
It's stylish, yet affordable.
I don't know how I ever lived without it.
What the hell is going on with you? Eden, fess up.
Are you flying on X? No.
I'm a taste-maker.
I get paid to create word of mouth about cool new products.
Nice.
How do I get a job like that? Be cuter and hipper.
And feel how soft the leather is.
Yeah, my friend, Rihanna, has it in all four eye-catching colors.
There he is! - Hey! - The man of the hour! Haskell, have a seat.
- It's your day, brother.
- Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you, honey.
Me too, me too, buddy.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Oh, boy.
You know, you pray for a moment like this for years, but you never think it'll happen in your lifetime.
And then one day, your dreams come true and some dumb schmuck marries your ex-wife.
To no more alimony.
No more alimony! Ahh.
Why, in two short hours, Mark will be standing at city hall where a judge will remove the financial anchor from my neck, and lovingly hang it on the man of my dreams.
I just hope that somewhere in this city there's a man like that for me.
I must say, when the day comes that my ex-wife gets remarried, it's gonna be a tad bittersweet.
That's because, my sackless friend You weren't married to a loathsome, vindictive, big-haired, gum-chewing she-beast.
Come on.
He is not exaggerating.
One time, after a heated settlement conference, she wrote, "die, bitch, die" on my windshield in what I thought was red lipstick until it clotted.
Oh, my.
Haskell, why in the world did you marry her in the first place? Well, she wasn't always that way.
I mean, when I was a pro bowler tearing up the alleys, she adored me.
It was a whirlwind life of tournaments, air-conditioned motels, and toilet seats sanitized for your protection.
That was Camelot and she was my queen.
But when the glory days ended, the loving look in her eyes went with 'em.
Look, you guys, it's a celebration.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
It is.
You're absolutely right.
Because after today, Haskell, You don't got to pay no more - You don't got to pay - No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, it's too soon for the no-alimony dance.
I don't wanna jinx it.
Come on, Haskell.
Have a little fun.
- That's right.
- You earned it.
You don't got to pay no more Never again! You don't got to pay no more You don't gotta pay! - I don't got to pay no more - Never again! - I don't got to pay no more - Not today! - I don't got to pay no more - Not tomorrow! Not the week after that! Hold on.
Hello? Haskell Lutz.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, what? Margo's cab was in an accident on the way to the wedding.
Oh.
Is she Oh, she survived.
What? Okay.
Okay, I'm coming.
Margo's in the hospital.
She wants to see me.
- Why you? - I don't know.
But the next time I say, "don't make me dance," don't make me dance! Margo? Oh, hi, Haskell.
So, uh, you were in an accident, huh? Yeah, that's what they tell me.
I hope you weren't too worried.
Eh.
Uh, but you're okay? Well, I am now that my sweetie's here.
Where? Did I You, you big idiot.
Get over here and give your wife a kiss.
Wife? Hello, Mrs.
Lutz.
- How are you feeling? - Better.
Now that I got my face on.
You know, I gotta look hot for my hubby.
Code blue, doctor, code blue.
That's a heart attack, Mr.
Lutz.
I know.
I'm having one.
What's going on? Margo's calling me her husband.
I've been divorced from that nightmare for years.
Unfortunately, when Mrs.
Lutz hit her head in the accident, she suffered some memory loss.
I hear you, doc.
Let me go set this wacko straight.
No, no, no, no.
It's a delicate situation.
She can't have any shocks.
She was on her way to get married.
Where's that boob? I have no idea, Mr.
Lutz.
You're the only one she asked for.
You know, I hear in situations like this sometimes another bonk on the head will straighten things out.
You got some kind of medical hammer lying around? Look, chances are her memory will eventually return.
But until then, you'll just have to play along.
What do you mean "play along"? Come on, Haskell.
They said I could leave whenever I'm ready.
Let's go home, baby.
You take the elevator.
I'll take the window.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Hey.
- How'd it go with Margo? Yeah, what happened? I'm in hell.
That's what happened.
Margo hit her head in the accident.
She lost her memory.
She still thinks she's married to me.
You got a dance for that, Phil? Now I got an ex-wife in the hallway with a fried circuit board.
She's here? May I remind you, when she wrote "die, bitch, die," I'm the bitch she was talking about? I had no choice.
Look, all I gotta do is track down her fiance and then I'll give her the heave-ho.
But in the meantime, whatever she says, just play along.
The doctor said no shocks.
Hey, Stuart, you still have that mace you carry when you jog? No, now I just speed-walk with a flashlight and a whistle.
Ooh! Fancy-schmancy.
- When did we move here? - Uh You bought it for me with your winnings, didn't you? That's right.
Surprise.
Who are they? Uh, that's Holly.
She's my lawyer.
Yeah.
You don't remember me? - Should I? - No, no, no, no.
No.
- Holly lives right across - Town.
Gotta go.
See ya.
And, uh, that's Phil.
He's my, uh, agent.
Sure, why not? Well, just so we're clear, Haskell Lutz only plays major tournaments - and no jerkwater towns.
- Gotcha.
If it ain't got an olive garden, we ain't interested.
- And who's this? - Oh, hi, I'm I'm Stuart.
- His dentist.
- Ah.
Yeah? Well, if you ever put me under, I better not wake up with my dress on inside out.
What? L Okay, okay, relax, Dexter.
I'm just bustin' your apple basket.
Anyway, it was very nice meeting you guys, but it's been a very long day, so nighty-night.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you Are you asking us to leave? Well, I don't mean to be rude, but why you still here? Haskell? Sorry, guys, but I'm afraid you have to go.
Very afraid.
What's up? You're kicking us out? Well, just for the night until I find her fiance.
What about my new memory foam mattress? It was just starting to learn my contours.
Haskell, get back in here.
Coming.
Pray for me.
Son of a Come on, Haskell, sit down, take a load off.
Uh, can't.
I-I gotta make some calls.
I'm I'm trying to get rid of some damaged goods.
Ugh, Hasky, please.
Oh, all all right, okay.
All right, okay.
Just for a minute.
You know, when I was lying in that hospital bed, I didn't know which end was up.
It wasn't until I saw that sweet face that I knew everything was gonna be okay.
Oh, that's good to know.
You know, these hands I feel so safe in these hands.
They're so soft and loving, yet strong enough to knock down ten pins with the power of a wrecking ball.
Ka-pow.
Go on.
You know, Hasky, when I'm at your matches and all those bimbos shriek every time you do the Lutz victory pump Oh, you mean Unh, unh, unh.
Pow! Yeah, that's the one.
I don't care that they're checking out my man.
No.
Because I know at the end of the night, I'm the lucky girl he's taking back to the Howard Johnson's.
Margo, you haven't talked to me like this in hours.
Actually, I'm a little tired of talking.
Come on, baby.
Let's go christen our new home.
Unh, unh, unh.
Pow! Whoo! Ah! Can't imagine why she's still single.
Come on, Holly! We need to use the bathroom! Hold your horses.
I'm doing my lady things.
She's gonna be in there forever.
- Mm-hmm.
- She got anything to eat? Nope, just what's left of this smoothie.
It looks pretty good.
Yeah, it looks healthy.
- Yeah, cheers.
- Cheers, buddy.
All right, bathroom's all your Why are you idiots drinking my face mask? Your what? What's in it? Avocado, cottage cheese, lemon juice, oatmeal - Hmm.
- And Kitty litter.
Oh, morning, baby.
So what's all this? I'm just making the place feel more like home.
How come all your trophies were boxed up in our closet? Oh, why? Uh, well, you know me.
I've always been a humble man.
Yeah, fungus-off.
This ad sold a lot of foot spray.
Mm-hmm and it paid for these babies.
Oh, I won this at the schenectady invitational.
Yep, when you mopped the floor with that big don lumis.
- And then that night - We celebrated by drinking - pink champagne out of your shoe.
- Yep.
We were halfway through the third bottle before we realized they were open-toed.
Oh, man.
It feels like last week.
Haskell, it was last week.
Well, that's why it feels that way.
Wha what's that one for? That one's for last night.
For your perfect game.
Ooh.
Hello, Haskell Lutz.
Who? Oh, you're Margo's, uh, fiance.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry, I haven't seen her.
Ooh.
Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Holly? Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Holly.
Ooh.
- Holly! - Ooh.
Stuart.
What the hell are you doing? Trying not to cry.
This is my workout time.
I told you guys.
Why are you back so soon? We got bored.
There's nothing to do.
It's a beautiful day.
Go play outside.
Go to a friend's house.
Well, most of them aren't home and the other ones are stupid.
Haskell.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Is Margo gone? Did you find her fiance? Yeah, please tell us you got good news.
I do.
I have, uh, your PJS, a change of clothes, and a and a nice little puzzle to help you pass the time.
- How much time? - Not long.
Enjoy.
See ya.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Problem? - Yeah, there's a problem.
If I'm gonna have a sleepover with two guys, I should be having a lot more fun.
I ate Kitty litter yesterday and that ain't cool.
Look, I-I need more time to find that fiance.
You think I like being cooped up with that shrew? She's killing me.
Oh, there you are, Haskell.
I just wanted you to see me in the dress you got for me.
You think it shows enough cleavage? There's more? So, Haskell, you spent the day buying your wife a new dress, huh? Oh, not just a dress.
Clothes, shoes, jewelry.
He even treated me to a little personal waxing.
I'm not gonna say where, but between you and me, ow.
Uh-huh.
When will this nightmare end? All right, I'm here.
What did you wanna see me about? We need to talk.
All right, but every second I spend here is time I can't tirelessly search for Margo's fianc - Aw, cut the crap.
- Oh, no.
We know you're not looking for anyone.
We know what's going on.
Okay, I'll fess up.
What do you know? Well, I don't mean to be crass, but you're having connubial relations with your ex-wife.
I won't lie.
We have connubed.
I don't get it.
Yeah, I mean, after everything she did to you, why are you doing this? Because we're in love again.
The way she treats me, the way she looks at me, it it's like when we were first married, like the last ten years never happened.
Sweetie, you do realize that this entire romance is built on a brain injury? Many have been built on less.
What are you gonna do when she gets here memory back? Well, maybe the damage is permanent.
- Can't you share my dream? - No, we can't.
Look, apparently Margo is not the only one with memory loss.
After you quit bowling, that woman made your life miserable.
And we are not gonna stand by and let that happen again.
It's not gonna happen again.
We're building a whole new relationship.
And this time, we're gonna get it right.
What happens when she finds out you're no longer a pro bowler? That the whole thing is a lie? What whole thing's a lie? Is this true, Haskell? You're not a pro bowler anymore? I-I can explain.
Margo.
Margo.
He is so connubed.
Knock knock.
Who wants to go to kay jewelers and buy something big and shiny? No, no, no, Haskell.
You can't big and shiny your way out of this one.
You lied to me.
How long ago did you quit bowling? Well, the doctor said to take it slow.
No shocks.
Oh, to hell with the doctor.
Tell me.
How long ago? Oh, what is today, the 23rd? Uh, eight years.
Eight years? How could I not remember that? Well, when you hit your head in the accident, it did something weird to your memory.
What else have you been keeping from me? Not much, I mean, that's the big one.
No, it isn't.
There's something else.
I can feel it.
Well, there there's one small thing, but once we get past that, it's smooth sailing.
- Haskell! - We're divorced.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me? I was reliving the happiest days of my life.
I didn't want it to end.
Why? Why did our marriage end? Uh, does it matter? Yes, it matters.
Of course it matters.
- Tell me.
- You gave up on me.
Me? When my pro career ended, you couldn't stand it.
You turned on me, you belittled me, you lost faith in me, and you left me.
So it was all my fault.
Well, I see your memory is coming back.
Yeah, it's beginning to, but actually I remember it a little different.
I remember a hotshot who couldn't handle it when his career was over.
I remember you sleeping till noon and then hanging out at bowling alleys feeling sorry for yourself.
How many kids' birthday parties did you ruin by screaming, "try it without bumpers, you little losers"? It disrespects the game.
Haskell I never gave up on you.
You gave up on yourself.
And I just couldn't take it anymore.
You have no idea how it felt to have to walk away from the one thing I was really good at.
I wish you had told me.
So do I.
Oh, my God, I have a fiance! Did I forget to mention that? He's gotta be worried sick.
I gotta call him.
Do you have to? Yeah.
I do.
But, Haskell, I'm really glad I got to be married to you for another day.
Yeah, me too.
I hated the way it ended.
It's Hasky, honey.
To me, you will always be a star.
I was good.
Yeah.
Who am I kidding? I was the best.
Unh, unh, unh.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, how'd it go? - Where's Margo? - Uh, she got her memory back.
She's, um, on her way to city hall with her fiance.
Are you okay? Actually, I am.
Uh, Margo and I cleared up a lot of stuff.
From now on, when I think of her, I can smile because I'll remember the good times.
- Hmm.
- And also because Nobody touchs that phone!