The Family Law (2016) s03e05 Episode Script
Panic Stations
BENJAMIN: No-one tells you how gross puberty can be.
The mood swings, the weird hair growth, the bad odours.
You're essentially becoming a feral animal.
(SNIFFS) And like an animal, sometimes you, welllose control.
(GASPS) Ah-Ben, joh-sun.
What are you doing up? Umyou know, bad dream.
What did you dream about? And why are you washing your sheets? Dust mites! Must be shedding more dead skin than usual.
Oh Oh.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh! Don't answer! Put it to voicemail.
Pretend you're dead! Hello? Jenny.
Hey.
How are you? Uh, good.
How are you? (WHISPERS) Hang up! Um, fine, yeah.
Look, umit was so great seeing you the other night, and I was thinking we should catch up again.
You know, properly.
Maybe dinner.
No, I don't think that would be a good idea.
Are you sure? Yeah, very sure.
OK, thank you.
Have a nice day, now.
Bye! So? I think he wanted a second chance.
(SCOFFS) As if! Barbershop quartet? Lame.
French mime? Well, I don't hear any suggestions from you.
Just a lot of negativity.
Registrations close Friday and we've got nothing, Melissa.
We don't have nothing.
We have each other.
We're both triple threats.
So, together, that makes us .
.
whatever six threats are.
We can win this.
We have to.
Children.
Assume the position.
With the talent show approaching, now more than ever, you need focus.
Focus requires calm, and calm requires going deep into ourselves.
Your thigh's really comfortable, Ben.
Oh.
Thanks? And .
.
breathe in .
.
and out.
In .
.
and out.
In .
.
and out.
In (GAGS) Are you OK? Yep.
Yep.
(QUIETLY) Klaus, stop moving your head! Hmm? Focus on every source of tension.
Every part of you that is knotted, tight .
.
rigid.
Locate the tension in those muscles.
Do you feel it? Nowexhale.
Allow that tension torelease.
Oh, my God! Now, stand up.
Shake it off.
What are you doing? Nothing! Master Law, time to get up.
We're moving on.
I have a cramp.
Well, then nothing better for a cramp than to walk it off.
Up.
Actually (SOFTLY) .
.
I don't have a cramp.
I'm having a panic attack.
Take all the time you need.
Thanks.
I had no idea you had mental health issues.
I should have connected the dots after your dance freak-out.
No, Melissa, I don't have And it wasn't a freak-out.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You wouldn't be embarrassed if you had .
.
I don't knowan anal cyst? Well, actually, an anal cyst would be pretty embarrassing.
I didn't have a panic attack.
I lied.
What? Why? Oh, my God! You had a stiffy! Shit, Melissa! That's hilarious.
No, it's not! Seriously, Ben.
It happens to everyone.
Rory got a boner making a ham sandwich once.
This wasn't just a regular ham sandwich boner.
This was .
.
different.
Different? How? Nothing.
Never mind.
OK.
(SIGHS) What is going on with you? Arggh! Arggh! Getget out! Get out! Hey, your body's changing.
Nothing to be ashame of.
You can look at it all you like.
And don't worry-lah.
We have all seen your little goo-goo.
(SNIGGERS) Shut up! If you're having a maz, Wayne always does it in the shower.
Less cleaning up.
I wasn't masturbating! Also, gross! It's OK if you were.
Tony Eckersley from year 7 was caught masturbating in the PE sheds the other day.
I wasn't MASTURBATING! (SLAM!) What the eff is this? Ai! New business venture! Everyone love massage.
100% risk free.
Total no-brain investment.
And look.
Made in Japan.
Don't bring the Japanese into this! Ai, was a good deal.
Stop worrying.
You seem tense.
More than usual, huh? (CHUCKLES) Look, you try.
Feels good, right, kids? GIRLS: Yeah! (GIGGLE) You know I don't like message after that stranger touched my tit.
How many do we need to sell? Did you even think of that? Hey, don't be so negative.
You remember what happened last time you gambled with our money.
I had to bail you out.
We nearly lost everything.
Ai, Jenny, you can't grow a business without investing.
No risk, no reward.
At least Danny tries.
Fail once, try again.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Takethemback! Can't.
Already paid.
Too bad, so sad.
(CHUCKLES) Bye, Mum.
Love you.
OK, bye, Mum.
A leopard never changes his spots.
Your dad typical man.
Always knows best.
Always correct.
No need to research! No need for second opinion! Mum "Everyone deserve second chance.
" Hello! Would you give your dad a second chance? Mum! "Oh, look at me.
I'm Danny Law.
"Oh, what's that noise? A woman talking? Who gives a eff?" Mum! Just You're stressing me out with all yourstress! OK, OK.
Sorry, sorry Love you.
Bye.
What if I get another one?! Well, just hide it with a stack of books.
Sure, Melissa.
I'll just walk around like a pervert librarian! Well, just don't think about .
.
whatever you think about when it happens.
Wait.
What DO you think about? No-one.
I mean, nothing! Look, if it does happen, just give me some signal and I'll create a diversion.
MALLORY: Lean into the discomfort.
Feel the pull.
(SIGHS) Oh! Miss Hills! Are you OK? Is there blood? Are your molars intact? Let me make clear, we have limited capacity for compensation payouts.
(MOANS) (CHAIR WHIRRS) "Good deal"? They're best quality.
If you want to sell for top dollar, you have to pay top dollar.
And if we don't sell them, we are up the shit of creek! Oh! "Don't do this.
Don't do that.
" Typical woman! You can say that again.
What do you know about women?! Apparently nothing.
Jenny, stop worrying.
We've sold three chairs already.
Mmm.
You're going to have to sell more than that to pay off the loan.
The loan with my name on it! Then take it off.
Put me on.
Easy.
Done.
No more arguing.
Ming-Zhu Take over the loan? (LAUGHS) What's next? Take over our house? (LAUGHS) Oh, don't be silly.
No-one wants that house.
Ming-Zhu, how You cannot be serious.
Why not? I have the money.
You want to do something big with your life, I can support.
Better than complain, complain, complain.
Win-win, right? I guess.
Settle? Good.
I'll call the bank.
Wait, wait.
Now? You have to take every opportunity.
Life's too short.
Could die any day.
Hey, sweetie.
Is it weird if Mummy changes her mind about Pete? Yes, Pete stuff-upped, butmaybe people do deserve a second chance.
And you're always telling me to give the benefit of a doubt.
Mum, when I said to give people the benefit of the doubt, I meant me.
Well, what would you do? (SIGHS) I don't know.
Hey.
Mummy needs your help.
Mum, I'm 15.
How would I know? It's your life.
Do what you want.
I've got other stuff on.
Hey? Can I ask you something? Yeah.
Don't be offended.
It's just Do you have the hots for Klaus? Melissa, no! I mean, sure, his face isvery symmetrical and his bodyis visually engaging.
(SIGHS) It just makes the whole thing more confusing.
What whole thing? You know, that I might be Gay? Maybe.
Pink or brown? I don't know.
Brown.
Jake or Maggie Gyllenhaal? Jake.
No, no.
Maggie.
Are we talking craft or looks? 'Cause if we're talking craft, then Hole or pole? Melissa! (CHUCKLES) Just kidding.
I made that one up.
Here come the results.
Oh, my God! I've always wanted a gay bestie! Great.
Now I'm an accessory.
It's exciting.
No, it's not.
And, Melissa, this is just one quiz.
It doesn't mean anything.
OK.
I've got another idea.
Anything? No.
How about now? No.
Maybe we should try going under.
No! Melissa! (SIGHS) Oh, my God! It's true.
What am I gonna do? Mum and Dad are gonna freak! What is this about? Australian teachers always talk, talk, talk.
Well, Mr Mallory wanted us both here, so it must be important.
You think he's in trouble? Our Ben? Mr Rules and Safety? Mmm.
Maybe he won something.
Or they're pushing him up a grade.
Ai, he is smart, but But what? He's smarter than all the other kids in his class.
Smarter than white kids? That doesn't make him a genius.
That just makes him Asian.
Oh.
Jenny.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
UhDanny, this is Pete.
Danny.
Uh, Jenny's, uh Husband.
Ex-husband.
Uh, well, separated.
Not officially divorce yet.
Is there a name for that? Good to meet you.
I should get my daughter before she thinks I've forgotten about her.
Again.
Wait.
It's fine, really.
No, you stay! Pete, I changed my mind.
About dinner.
If you still want to.
Yes.
Yes, totally.
Oh.
Good.
Great.
Great.
OK.
Right.
You go.
I'll call you later.
OK.
Surprised he didn't get sperm on you again.
Like your sperm always ended up in the right place! Thank you both for coming.
In some ways, Benjamin reminds me of a young me.
Smart, disciplined, focused.
One might even say he's destined for greatness.
My boy.
Very smart.
OUR boy.
There's a true artist brewing inside him, bursting to explode forth.
But like all true artists, inside lurk demons.
Sorry, what do you mean? I'm not sure if you're aware, but it seems Benjamin is suffering from mentaldistress.
Don't worry.
His panic attacks aren't completely crippling.
Not yet, anyway.
Panic attacks?! The child is clearly troubled.
And though I'm not a medical expert, I am a drama professional, and in my experience, it's simply best to keep an eye on him.
Pare his life back.
Simplify things.
Remove extraneous sources of stress.
Provide a sense of calm.
(SHOUTS) What is making you feel the panic?! Tell us now! You can always tell Mummy what's wrong.
And Daddy.
Mummy and Daddy.
Um Is it bully boys again? No! We took care of that.
Mum! Ai, what does teenager got to be panic about? Just be happy! What are you doing? Cheer you up.
Ai-ya, so typical! Money fix everything! Dad, I don't want your money.
Dad! Guys, it's fine! Mallory was just being dramatic.
He's a drama teacher.
That's what he does.
It's just I felt faint in class, that's all.
You fainted at the dance also.
Was that a panic attack too? No! Ai-ya, see? You've been so grumpy lately.
I'm fine! If you sick in the head, we need to know! Dad, I'm not sick in the head! OK.
OK.
You not ready to talk? Fine.
But we need to make changes.
No after-school activities.
No working at shop.
No talent quest.
What? You need to put your health first.
Concentrate on getting better.
Mum! But the talent show is And no buts.
Ben! We can't not do the talent show.
You're deputy debating captain.
You're supposed to be good at persuading.
I'm trying my best, Melissa! Oh, God! I can't believe this is happening! Neither can I.
This affects me too, you know.
Look.
There's only one thing you can do.
Melissa, I'm not ready to tell them the truth yet.
No.
When you get caught in a lie, you tell an even bigger one.
So, Mum Mm-hm? Dad .
.
I have something to tell you.
It's about why I haven't really been myself lately.
Go on.
Daddy's listening.
Guys, see? This is the problem right here.
What is? You two.
Fighting all the time.
About everything.
The shop.
Money.
Massage chairs.
Mummy and Daddy don't fight.
This is just how we talk to each other.
Which is a problem, don't you think? And, you know, since you split up But you told me you were OK with that.
That sometimes mummies and daddies work better apart Look, did you want to talk or listen, Mum? Mmm.
Everything's happened so fast.
You didn't separate that long ago.
And thenGor-Gor moved out.
Wayne moved in.
Dad got a new girlfriend.
Mum's going on dates.
I'm not gonna lie, but coping with this much change, at my age .
.
it's just From now on .
.
I guess I'll always carry the emotional scars of .
.
of Of what? Of coming from a broken home.
Oh, Ben And .
.
you're taking away the talent show.
The only source of joy in my life.
The only thing keeping me happy .
.
and alive.
Oh, darling, it's alright.
Mmm.
Are you OK? Mmm.
Company that great, huh? (CHUCKLES) Oh, sorry.
No, no.
II like this.
I like you.
Everybody does, Jenny.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) It's just .
.
I have a teenager who won't talk to me, and I spent 20 years with a husband who never wanted to discuss anything important.
Soif this is going to happen, I need total honesty.
Right.
OK.
I'm up for it.
Ask me anything.
What's up with the premature ejaculation? I meanis it something I'm going to have to be worried about? It's the first time it's ever happened.
Plus .
.
you are very attractive, so Good answer.
Honest answer.
(CHUCKLES) Reckon they believed you? Yep.
Now EVERYONE feels terrible.
Including me.
Great outcome.
Look, you weren't exactly lying.
The separation has been stressful.
(SIGHS) What? Is this how it's gonna be now? One lie after another? Lie after lie, layered on top of each other like some horrible lie lasagne? Hey.
Close your eyes.
Melissa Just do it.
(SIGHS) Picture these people.
Frank Ocean.
Magda Szubanski.
That hot guy from the new Star Trek.
The one with the ears.
What have they all got in common? They're consummate professionals in show business.
Yeah.
Ben, they're gay.
(GASPS) And famous! Mm-hm.
(CHUCKLES) Mummy knows.
How did you find out? I saw! You and Melissa.
How did you think you could hide something so big from me? Mum, I have something I need to tell you.
I'm (ASIAN ACCENT) Gay! Ai, I knew it! What if you die of AIDS-lah? Melissa, Jesus! Captions by Red Bee Media (c) SBS Australia 2019
The mood swings, the weird hair growth, the bad odours.
You're essentially becoming a feral animal.
(SNIFFS) And like an animal, sometimes you, welllose control.
(GASPS) Ah-Ben, joh-sun.
What are you doing up? Umyou know, bad dream.
What did you dream about? And why are you washing your sheets? Dust mites! Must be shedding more dead skin than usual.
Oh Oh.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh! Don't answer! Put it to voicemail.
Pretend you're dead! Hello? Jenny.
Hey.
How are you? Uh, good.
How are you? (WHISPERS) Hang up! Um, fine, yeah.
Look, umit was so great seeing you the other night, and I was thinking we should catch up again.
You know, properly.
Maybe dinner.
No, I don't think that would be a good idea.
Are you sure? Yeah, very sure.
OK, thank you.
Have a nice day, now.
Bye! So? I think he wanted a second chance.
(SCOFFS) As if! Barbershop quartet? Lame.
French mime? Well, I don't hear any suggestions from you.
Just a lot of negativity.
Registrations close Friday and we've got nothing, Melissa.
We don't have nothing.
We have each other.
We're both triple threats.
So, together, that makes us .
.
whatever six threats are.
We can win this.
We have to.
Children.
Assume the position.
With the talent show approaching, now more than ever, you need focus.
Focus requires calm, and calm requires going deep into ourselves.
Your thigh's really comfortable, Ben.
Oh.
Thanks? And .
.
breathe in .
.
and out.
In .
.
and out.
In .
.
and out.
In (GAGS) Are you OK? Yep.
Yep.
(QUIETLY) Klaus, stop moving your head! Hmm? Focus on every source of tension.
Every part of you that is knotted, tight .
.
rigid.
Locate the tension in those muscles.
Do you feel it? Nowexhale.
Allow that tension torelease.
Oh, my God! Now, stand up.
Shake it off.
What are you doing? Nothing! Master Law, time to get up.
We're moving on.
I have a cramp.
Well, then nothing better for a cramp than to walk it off.
Up.
Actually (SOFTLY) .
.
I don't have a cramp.
I'm having a panic attack.
Take all the time you need.
Thanks.
I had no idea you had mental health issues.
I should have connected the dots after your dance freak-out.
No, Melissa, I don't have And it wasn't a freak-out.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You wouldn't be embarrassed if you had .
.
I don't knowan anal cyst? Well, actually, an anal cyst would be pretty embarrassing.
I didn't have a panic attack.
I lied.
What? Why? Oh, my God! You had a stiffy! Shit, Melissa! That's hilarious.
No, it's not! Seriously, Ben.
It happens to everyone.
Rory got a boner making a ham sandwich once.
This wasn't just a regular ham sandwich boner.
This was .
.
different.
Different? How? Nothing.
Never mind.
OK.
(SIGHS) What is going on with you? Arggh! Arggh! Getget out! Get out! Hey, your body's changing.
Nothing to be ashame of.
You can look at it all you like.
And don't worry-lah.
We have all seen your little goo-goo.
(SNIGGERS) Shut up! If you're having a maz, Wayne always does it in the shower.
Less cleaning up.
I wasn't masturbating! Also, gross! It's OK if you were.
Tony Eckersley from year 7 was caught masturbating in the PE sheds the other day.
I wasn't MASTURBATING! (SLAM!) What the eff is this? Ai! New business venture! Everyone love massage.
100% risk free.
Total no-brain investment.
And look.
Made in Japan.
Don't bring the Japanese into this! Ai, was a good deal.
Stop worrying.
You seem tense.
More than usual, huh? (CHUCKLES) Look, you try.
Feels good, right, kids? GIRLS: Yeah! (GIGGLE) You know I don't like message after that stranger touched my tit.
How many do we need to sell? Did you even think of that? Hey, don't be so negative.
You remember what happened last time you gambled with our money.
I had to bail you out.
We nearly lost everything.
Ai, Jenny, you can't grow a business without investing.
No risk, no reward.
At least Danny tries.
Fail once, try again.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Takethemback! Can't.
Already paid.
Too bad, so sad.
(CHUCKLES) Bye, Mum.
Love you.
OK, bye, Mum.
A leopard never changes his spots.
Your dad typical man.
Always knows best.
Always correct.
No need to research! No need for second opinion! Mum "Everyone deserve second chance.
" Hello! Would you give your dad a second chance? Mum! "Oh, look at me.
I'm Danny Law.
"Oh, what's that noise? A woman talking? Who gives a eff?" Mum! Just You're stressing me out with all yourstress! OK, OK.
Sorry, sorry Love you.
Bye.
What if I get another one?! Well, just hide it with a stack of books.
Sure, Melissa.
I'll just walk around like a pervert librarian! Well, just don't think about .
.
whatever you think about when it happens.
Wait.
What DO you think about? No-one.
I mean, nothing! Look, if it does happen, just give me some signal and I'll create a diversion.
MALLORY: Lean into the discomfort.
Feel the pull.
(SIGHS) Oh! Miss Hills! Are you OK? Is there blood? Are your molars intact? Let me make clear, we have limited capacity for compensation payouts.
(MOANS) (CHAIR WHIRRS) "Good deal"? They're best quality.
If you want to sell for top dollar, you have to pay top dollar.
And if we don't sell them, we are up the shit of creek! Oh! "Don't do this.
Don't do that.
" Typical woman! You can say that again.
What do you know about women?! Apparently nothing.
Jenny, stop worrying.
We've sold three chairs already.
Mmm.
You're going to have to sell more than that to pay off the loan.
The loan with my name on it! Then take it off.
Put me on.
Easy.
Done.
No more arguing.
Ming-Zhu Take over the loan? (LAUGHS) What's next? Take over our house? (LAUGHS) Oh, don't be silly.
No-one wants that house.
Ming-Zhu, how You cannot be serious.
Why not? I have the money.
You want to do something big with your life, I can support.
Better than complain, complain, complain.
Win-win, right? I guess.
Settle? Good.
I'll call the bank.
Wait, wait.
Now? You have to take every opportunity.
Life's too short.
Could die any day.
Hey, sweetie.
Is it weird if Mummy changes her mind about Pete? Yes, Pete stuff-upped, butmaybe people do deserve a second chance.
And you're always telling me to give the benefit of a doubt.
Mum, when I said to give people the benefit of the doubt, I meant me.
Well, what would you do? (SIGHS) I don't know.
Hey.
Mummy needs your help.
Mum, I'm 15.
How would I know? It's your life.
Do what you want.
I've got other stuff on.
Hey? Can I ask you something? Yeah.
Don't be offended.
It's just Do you have the hots for Klaus? Melissa, no! I mean, sure, his face isvery symmetrical and his bodyis visually engaging.
(SIGHS) It just makes the whole thing more confusing.
What whole thing? You know, that I might be Gay? Maybe.
Pink or brown? I don't know.
Brown.
Jake or Maggie Gyllenhaal? Jake.
No, no.
Maggie.
Are we talking craft or looks? 'Cause if we're talking craft, then Hole or pole? Melissa! (CHUCKLES) Just kidding.
I made that one up.
Here come the results.
Oh, my God! I've always wanted a gay bestie! Great.
Now I'm an accessory.
It's exciting.
No, it's not.
And, Melissa, this is just one quiz.
It doesn't mean anything.
OK.
I've got another idea.
Anything? No.
How about now? No.
Maybe we should try going under.
No! Melissa! (SIGHS) Oh, my God! It's true.
What am I gonna do? Mum and Dad are gonna freak! What is this about? Australian teachers always talk, talk, talk.
Well, Mr Mallory wanted us both here, so it must be important.
You think he's in trouble? Our Ben? Mr Rules and Safety? Mmm.
Maybe he won something.
Or they're pushing him up a grade.
Ai, he is smart, but But what? He's smarter than all the other kids in his class.
Smarter than white kids? That doesn't make him a genius.
That just makes him Asian.
Oh.
Jenny.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
UhDanny, this is Pete.
Danny.
Uh, Jenny's, uh Husband.
Ex-husband.
Uh, well, separated.
Not officially divorce yet.
Is there a name for that? Good to meet you.
I should get my daughter before she thinks I've forgotten about her.
Again.
Wait.
It's fine, really.
No, you stay! Pete, I changed my mind.
About dinner.
If you still want to.
Yes.
Yes, totally.
Oh.
Good.
Great.
Great.
OK.
Right.
You go.
I'll call you later.
OK.
Surprised he didn't get sperm on you again.
Like your sperm always ended up in the right place! Thank you both for coming.
In some ways, Benjamin reminds me of a young me.
Smart, disciplined, focused.
One might even say he's destined for greatness.
My boy.
Very smart.
OUR boy.
There's a true artist brewing inside him, bursting to explode forth.
But like all true artists, inside lurk demons.
Sorry, what do you mean? I'm not sure if you're aware, but it seems Benjamin is suffering from mentaldistress.
Don't worry.
His panic attacks aren't completely crippling.
Not yet, anyway.
Panic attacks?! The child is clearly troubled.
And though I'm not a medical expert, I am a drama professional, and in my experience, it's simply best to keep an eye on him.
Pare his life back.
Simplify things.
Remove extraneous sources of stress.
Provide a sense of calm.
(SHOUTS) What is making you feel the panic?! Tell us now! You can always tell Mummy what's wrong.
And Daddy.
Mummy and Daddy.
Um Is it bully boys again? No! We took care of that.
Mum! Ai, what does teenager got to be panic about? Just be happy! What are you doing? Cheer you up.
Ai-ya, so typical! Money fix everything! Dad, I don't want your money.
Dad! Guys, it's fine! Mallory was just being dramatic.
He's a drama teacher.
That's what he does.
It's just I felt faint in class, that's all.
You fainted at the dance also.
Was that a panic attack too? No! Ai-ya, see? You've been so grumpy lately.
I'm fine! If you sick in the head, we need to know! Dad, I'm not sick in the head! OK.
OK.
You not ready to talk? Fine.
But we need to make changes.
No after-school activities.
No working at shop.
No talent quest.
What? You need to put your health first.
Concentrate on getting better.
Mum! But the talent show is And no buts.
Ben! We can't not do the talent show.
You're deputy debating captain.
You're supposed to be good at persuading.
I'm trying my best, Melissa! Oh, God! I can't believe this is happening! Neither can I.
This affects me too, you know.
Look.
There's only one thing you can do.
Melissa, I'm not ready to tell them the truth yet.
No.
When you get caught in a lie, you tell an even bigger one.
So, Mum Mm-hm? Dad .
.
I have something to tell you.
It's about why I haven't really been myself lately.
Go on.
Daddy's listening.
Guys, see? This is the problem right here.
What is? You two.
Fighting all the time.
About everything.
The shop.
Money.
Massage chairs.
Mummy and Daddy don't fight.
This is just how we talk to each other.
Which is a problem, don't you think? And, you know, since you split up But you told me you were OK with that.
That sometimes mummies and daddies work better apart Look, did you want to talk or listen, Mum? Mmm.
Everything's happened so fast.
You didn't separate that long ago.
And thenGor-Gor moved out.
Wayne moved in.
Dad got a new girlfriend.
Mum's going on dates.
I'm not gonna lie, but coping with this much change, at my age .
.
it's just From now on .
.
I guess I'll always carry the emotional scars of .
.
of Of what? Of coming from a broken home.
Oh, Ben And .
.
you're taking away the talent show.
The only source of joy in my life.
The only thing keeping me happy .
.
and alive.
Oh, darling, it's alright.
Mmm.
Are you OK? Mmm.
Company that great, huh? (CHUCKLES) Oh, sorry.
No, no.
II like this.
I like you.
Everybody does, Jenny.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) It's just .
.
I have a teenager who won't talk to me, and I spent 20 years with a husband who never wanted to discuss anything important.
Soif this is going to happen, I need total honesty.
Right.
OK.
I'm up for it.
Ask me anything.
What's up with the premature ejaculation? I meanis it something I'm going to have to be worried about? It's the first time it's ever happened.
Plus .
.
you are very attractive, so Good answer.
Honest answer.
(CHUCKLES) Reckon they believed you? Yep.
Now EVERYONE feels terrible.
Including me.
Great outcome.
Look, you weren't exactly lying.
The separation has been stressful.
(SIGHS) What? Is this how it's gonna be now? One lie after another? Lie after lie, layered on top of each other like some horrible lie lasagne? Hey.
Close your eyes.
Melissa Just do it.
(SIGHS) Picture these people.
Frank Ocean.
Magda Szubanski.
That hot guy from the new Star Trek.
The one with the ears.
What have they all got in common? They're consummate professionals in show business.
Yeah.
Ben, they're gay.
(GASPS) And famous! Mm-hm.
(CHUCKLES) Mummy knows.
How did you find out? I saw! You and Melissa.
How did you think you could hide something so big from me? Mum, I have something I need to tell you.
I'm (ASIAN ACCENT) Gay! Ai, I knew it! What if you die of AIDS-lah? Melissa, Jesus! Captions by Red Bee Media (c) SBS Australia 2019