The Great North (2021) s03e05 Episode Script

1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North. ♪
Moving on,
the annual Cavalcade of Ships
is almost upon us.
It's time once again
for us to transform
one of the town's boats
into a themed float,
then parade it down the marina,
competing against
the three nearest towns,
Death Cliff, Whippleton
and Ted's Folly.
Screw Whippleton!
Wow, you guys
all really hate other towns.
- We don't hate them.
- We just don't like them at all.
Yeah. And we hate them.
- Yes. We hate them.
- Why?
Sometimes
we get bored up here in Alaska.
And rivalries are fun.
Okay. Asked and answered,
Your Honor.
Now Councilperson Toby the Eagle
will select the ship
representing our town this year.
The Mighty Kathleen,
captained by Beef Tobin.
We're all wishing you the best,
even though we know
there's no way
in Lucifer's loafers we'll win.
Wait, why is everyone
acting so down?
I'm sure we can win.
This family is very good
at boat stuff.
Well, my
New-to-the-North Nympho
- Wolf, we've talked about that name.
- Sorry. Yep.
While everyone does love
the Cavalcade of Ships
it's a proud tradition that
goes back hundreds of years
our town never wins.
- And we hate that.
- Yep.
Death Cliff and their captain,
Randy Jammers,
have won
the last ten years in a row.
What does the winning town get,
a million dollars?
Better than a million dollars.
A plaque
that says "Best Boat Town."
So it's a silly contest
with a meaningless prize
but we all care
an insane amount about it?
You just described all of sports,
every competitive reality show
and life itself.
But, that said, yes.
And, boy, would we love
to get our hands on that plaque.
Because, let's face it,
as a town,
we've had a hard year.
A hooligan spray-painted a Smurf
on our only overpass.
I'm still upset that someone left
a washing machine in the river.
And who can forget
last Christmas,
when we thought
someone was doing skywriting
but it turned out
to be a plane crash.
The point is we could really use
a win this year for town morale.
We can't compete
with Death Cliff. No one can.
Maybe we should attack them
and kill Randy Jammers!
- It's worth considering!
- Guys, guys, guys!
I know I'm new around here, but
I don't think it's impossible
for us to become the best
boat town out of four towns!
I love Lone Moose,
and it's the best boat town
in my book.
Maybe we can win again.
My dad's gonna be the captain,
and he's always winning!
It's true. Just last night,
I gave him a trophy
for Most Reassuring Hug
that I made him myself.
It was an honor, son.
And I'll be in charge
of the float design!
And I can be Judy's grumpy
foreman who says stuff
like "That'll be the day."
And I have always wanted
to save a town,
ideally through dancing,
but this'll be good, too.
Best Boat Town!
Best Boat Town!
Best Boat Town!
Okay, Tobins, we have two weeks.
Lone Moose is counting on you.
And now our next matter,
- Archie Scrimm.
- Yeah.
You were cited for
illegally cutting down a tree.
I had to chop it down,
but it weren't malicious.
I seen a woman trapped
inside it,
and I had to free her
with my sculpting.
Now she's my wife.
Thanks for getting us
those tickets
to the monster truck rally.
I love watching those cars
get crushed.
Oh, I actually root for the cars.
Likely gonna be
a melancholy night for me.
Well, speaking of
big, exciting events,
as you know, the Cavalcade
of Ships is coming up,
and I am one
of the town's boat boys.
Sure, you are, sweetie.
You're the boat-iest boy I know.
Crispin, no.
It's part of the cavalcade.
Every boat has a pair
of boat boys assigned to it.
They walk along the shore,
guiding the pace of their boat
while dressed in the ceremonial
boat boy attire.
Ah, Lone Moose is a diamond with
a hundred glimmering facets.
Sadly, my old boat boy partner,
Octavio,
recently died of natural causes
at age 100.
And I was wondering
if you would do me the honor
of sharing in a dockside stride
with me.
Hamantha, this all sounds fully
nuts and not really up my alley,
but if it's important to you,
I'm in.
Okay, if we want to win,
I got to see
how other people won.
I just have to study
every year's cavalcade.
Wow. This guy's
one hell of a looker.
Oh, come on, Wolf!
Focus!
You're not here
to scope out studs.
Hello.
Never saw a dreamboat
driving a steamboat before.
Wait a minute.
Hunk. Hunk. Stud.
Hunk. Hunk.
Babe! Smokeshow!
It's like every captain
that ever won is a super hunk.
Oh, my God, that's it.
That's the secret!
The boat with
the hottest captain always wins.
I got to tell the town!
Whew. Oh, no, I'm hunk
drunk at the library.
I probably shouldn't drive home.
Well, what do you think?
Wouldn't be my first choice,
but I'm happy
to support your hobby.
You didn't want to go to
the Museum of Lizards with me,
but there you were, by my side,
- saying, "Can we leave now?"
- Oh, I loved when we left.
What else should I know
about being a boat boy?
Aside from how important it is
to the town, not much.
It's literally
just walking slowly
and then saying "Let's go boat!"
Let's go boat.
Incredible. You really haven't
done this before?
Allow me
and my grumpy foreman Moon
to present our boat float theme
for this year's
Cavalcade of Ships!
We give you
Lone Moose in the year 2050!
Picture it melted glaciers,
Internet troll droids.
Giant plastic water bottles
with muscular legs.
- It's a wake-up call and I
- The theme doesn't matter!
What are you talking about?
I've figured out the secret to
winning the Cavalcade of Ships!
We don't need a hot boat.
We need a hot captain.
Like Randy Jammers.
The hottest captain always wins.
Look, I'll show you! Take a look
at these vintage newspapers
I stole from the library.
Wolf, I really wish you
hadn't stolen from the library.
You already have thousands
of dollars in library fines.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm good for it.
But look!
These are the winning captains
from the last 40 years.
Ted's Folly, 11 years ago
hunk.
Whippleton, 13 years ago babe.
And there's more.
Hunk. Stallion.
Hot piece. Stud. Absolute snack.
Folks, we are talking
elite-level handsomes
- across the board.
- Damn it, Wolf, you've done it.
So what do we do, Wolf?
We just need to find
the hottest guy we can
and then make him
this year's captain.
- And what about the float?
- Uh, just make it sexy.
A sexy float
to back up our hot captain.
Okay. Okay, yeah.
We'll just give the Internet
trolls large naturals.
Am I to just hand command
of The Mighty Kathleen over
to some pretty face
who can't steer?
No, Dad, you'll still be
the actual captain.
The hottie's just for show.
He's crowd candy.
And I know
what you're all thinking,
and, yes,
my dad is known around town
as a nice piece of business,
but he's not what these
vultures are looking for.
In order to find what we need,
Honeybee and I
will hold hunk auditions.
It's something we were
gonna do eventually anyway,
so it'll be nice
to have an official reason.
Then, Wolf, I give you
the full authority of my office
to do whatever it takes
to find this very hot man.
Yes! Yes!
Let the Hunker Games begin!
May the bods
be ever in our favor!
Okay, number 53 is next.
Bring that hotness.
It is I, Santiago Carpaccio.
Mr. Carpaccio, have you
ever been hot professionally?
No, this would be my first gig.
That thing
you're doing with your body
- is that part of the hotness?
- You tell me.
I will tell you
that I love it personally,
but we're going for
People's Sexiest Man here,
and I don't think
the people are ready.
Thank you for the opportunity.
- Next!
- This is my cousin Ronnie.
He's an arm model.
Show 'em the business, Ronnie.
Sorry, but it's a pass.
The forearms are doing
all the heavy lifting here.
Unflex, Ronnie. No more
freebies for these fools.
- Next!
- Two of you.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
Okay, so I've got a rockin' bod
and Eric has a hot face.
But put us together and
- Ta-da!
- Uh, give us a minute.
Sure, it's got
a fun freak factor,
but they are all jingle, no jangle.
Uh, we can hear you.
You're talking really loud.
Uh, we were talking about,
uh, something else.
Oh, okay.
Well, we also sing duets.
Do you like
"Islands in the Stream"?
Love it.
Let's hear a little bit.
Okay! Let's begin.
Just walk ten feet
so I can see your technique.
Hmm.
It's a little quick.
Can I ask,
are you picturing boats?
You need to have a light,
airy feeling in your whole body,
so you really
should be picturing boats.
Watch me.
The boat boy pace
is step, pause, step
and step, pause, step.
Okay, and what was I doing?
Step, step, step, step,
step, step, step.
Let's try again.
Baby, I'm trying,
but my legs just want to go.
Oh, excuse us.
We don't mean to interrupt.
I'm Gavin,
and this is my husband Luke.
And this is Pet Midler
and Dog-ara Hershey.
Are you two practicing
to be boat boys?
Yep! I'm Ham.
I've been a boat boy for years.
This is my boyfriend Crispin.
It's his first time.
That's wonderful. We met
when we were boat boys together.
Actually, I believe
the harmony we developed
by walking together in unison
is responsible
for the success
of our long and happy marriage.
Being in sync with your partner
in every single possible way
is so important.
Like, for instance, us,
we're both color-blind,
we both love to have
playful ingredient fights
when we make tiramisu.
We have
identical resting heart rates.
- 67.
- 67.
And neither of us
has ever seen the show Lost.
Anyway, we hope you don't mind,
but we have some thoughts.
Ham, you were
a pleasure to watch.
With a stride like that
who needs the boat?
Now, Crispin,
we love your enthusiasm
Love it. You can't fake that.
You just can't.
But you're too fast and moving
at all the wrong times.
I think he's getting it.
We'll be in sync
by competition day, no doubt.
Hmm. Okay, if you say so.
Yeah, maybe you two will sync up.
And if you don't,
it doesn't mean
your relationship won't work out.
- I hope we've put your minds at ease.
- Happy strutting!
- Huh.
- Yeah.
- Should we
- Try to get more in sync? Yes.
- Let's go.
- Crispin! Come back!
Mr. Tobin, we only have
four days left
till the Cavalcade of Ships.
Will my jaw be dropping today?
Mayor Peppers, we really
tried, but I'll say it
the men in this town
are pleasant-looking, at best.
We let you down.
If I could somehow make a man,
I would.
I can make you a man!
What?
A wooden man.
Sexiest man you've ever seen.
You all know me. I'm Archie,
professional whittler
of wooden wives.
I make them for lonely sailors
to take out upon the high seas
to help 'em
get through the lonely nights.
Ok, um, sorry,
but you can't just force
wooden women into marriages.
What if they want
to pursue careers or travel?
They can.
Several of them are nurses,
and one's
a professional skateboarder.
Look, the point is this
for the right price,
I can make your sexy man.
A man so good-looking
you'll quit sleep
'cause you can't take your eyes
off of him.
Handsome?
No, he's hand-all.
So, who can you make
the wooden man look like?
Denzel Washington?
Let's make him look like my ex,
Chab Smoot.
He had a little tail you
could steer him around with.
Trust me, what I make will be
beyond your wildest imaginings.
Guys, no. We shouldn't
play God like this.
We should if it means
we cut off Whippleton's
butt cheeks and clap them
together like cymbals!
That's the spirit!
Let's eat Ted's Folly alive!
So it's settled
we're gonna pay a guy
to carve us a wooden hunk
so that Lone Moose
can win the boat parade
and get ourselves
a sexy little snack plaque.
I can't wait to see what Archie
is cooking up for us.
Son, I have to admit
I have some concerns about this.
I'm not sure how we're gonna get
a wood man to steer the boat.
Oh, don't worry about that.
You'll be the one
steering the boat.
You can crouch down,
out of sight, in the wheelhouse.
All right.
If it helps the town win,
I'll be the person
behind the scenes,
like Nicole Holofcener,
director of Enough Said.
Greetings. Let us now uncover
the man within the wood.
I've got some rough sketches
for you to look over.
Oh, these aren't right. Hotter.
Hotter! He's got to be hotter!
This one wood fellow
seems rather attractive.
Yeah, he's double-take hot,
but we need
"the bartender is so distracted
"when the wooden man walks in
that he overfills
a glass of beer" hot!
I think I know what to do.
I've got this irresistible piece
of driftwood
that I found on the shore
after a lightning storm.
Mother Ocean's been lapping her
tongue on this stud for decades
to make him virile
and intoxicating.
Okay, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but I get it.
This must be how God felt
when he first saw the wood
he was gonna carve Brad Pitt from.
Archie, I'm saying I do
and I would to this wood.
Okay. One final question,
should the wooden man be
functional?
- No!
- Wait, is it the same price?
Wolf, no.
All right.
Whole new day of practice.
I'm pretty sure
I can slow myself down.
And I'll try to speed myself up.
Soon, we'll be syncin'
like Lincoln.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Nope, that's not it.
What if we tried holding hands?
Mm, I feel like we should
really focus on walking.
I meant holding hands
while we're walking.
Oh. Right.
One, two, three.
We're doing it.
- We're perfectly in sync.
- Yeah! Finally!
Uh-oh!
Maybe we should just give up.
We'll never be as in sync as
that other couple with their
sweaters and
their perfectly in sync dogs.
The dogs! Yes!
I think I'm having a great idea.
- That we should steal the dogs?
- What? No.
Oh. Right.
Let's not steal the dogs.
I don't want to steal them.
We wait for them to run away
and then we just let them
live with us.
All right, Wolf Tobin
- is here and
- We want to see some log!
Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone.
He couldn't make it.
But there's someone else
who'd like to say hello.
Guys, meet my best friend,
our new Cavalcade of Ships captain!
And, look, his little
arm even waves! Isn't that fun?
- Does this nice young man have a name?
- Not yet.
I've got it! He should be named
Bernard Particle-Board.
His last name is hyphenated
because he decided
to take his wife's name.
Her name is Theresa Particle.
She keeps a small apartment in
the city just for writing and
Love the backstory, Judy,
but "Bernard Particle-Board"
- is a real mouthful.
- What about "Todd Hottsworth"?
And we can call him "Hot Toddy."
- Ah!
- Oh!
A tall thermos of Hot Toddy
coming right up!
And we can build this dream
together ♪
To watch the movie
Mannequin through Todd's eyes?
Wow. It's like a whole new film.
The DVD cover was right.
"When she comes to life,
anything can happen."
Maybe I should get a moped
so Todd and I can
cruise around Lone Moose
doing high fives and whatnot.
We should get to bed.
We've got the Cavalcade
of Ships tomorrow.
- Ready to go home, babe?
- I'll meet you there.
Gonna spend
a little quality time with Todd.
But don't worry I'll make sure
he gets his beauty rest.
What a day, huh?
I got to say,
you're positively glowing.
I guess that's just the varnish,
but, hey, if it ain't broke,
huh?
Now, let me tell you
a little about myself.
I was 22 pounds at
birth because my mom just
absolutely refused to
go to the hospital
And that's why
I'm scared to death
of those apple-throwing trees
from The Wizard of Oz.
No!
No! No! No! No!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
What have I done?! Half his
beautiful face is burned off!
We were just having a few
drinks, shooting the breeze!
It should have been me instead.
No, son, it should not have been
you that was burned alive
- instead of this wooden man.
- What are we gonna do?
The whole town
was counting on him!
On me.
- Maybe we can fix him?
- I guess we owe it to Todd
and the town to try.
Okay, so I used
a little bit of spackle
and a little bit of paint
and then I sprayed him
with Dad's cologne,
just to give him
a boost of confidence.
- What do you guys think?
- Yikes.
Never said "yikes" before,
but it felt right.
- Wolf, he's disgusting.
- Frang it!
Well, why don't we just shift
gears and have a regular,
- human, non-hot captain?
- No. I won't sideline Todd.
He's worked too hard for this.
Trust me, Todd's got this.
Todd's got this by the ass!
- Hey, that slime is fun.
- Then I have failed,
because it represents
our melting glaciers,
and there's nothing fun
about that.
All right,
everybody shut your slime holes.
It's time to go over the plan.
Honeybee, Judy and I
will lay on the deck
and use ropes to turn Todd
so that he appears lifelike.
And so no one sees
the burned part of his face.
Meanwhile, Dad will
actually be the one steering
- from the wheelhouse.
- Copy that.
And, Moon, you'll keep us
aligned with the boat
- boys' pace on the shore.
- Tobins.
Ah-ha! Mayor!
So good to see you!
Not as good as it will be
to see that plaque
that says "Best Boat Town"
at the end of the day.
Now, where is
that wooden wonder Todd?
Uh, he's resting!
But don't worry
he's still hot!
And nothing bad
has happened to him.
Okay
The way you're saying that
makes it sound like
something bad has happened.
Oh, no,
I didn't mean that at all.
Because it's very weird
that you would bring that up.
- Do you see my point?
- Don't worry. This is just what
my husband is like
when he's nervous.
We'll be chanting "Best Boat
Town" in no time at all.
Wonderful. Because winning
that plaque is the only thing
that could bring happiness
to an entire town
that is holding on
by the thinnest of threads.
Good! Because, again
nothing bad has happened.
Wolf, do not start that again.
Bye, Mayor Peppers!
And let's hear
one final round of applause
- for Whippleton!
Ooh, Whippleton.
"Look at us. We have two dumps."
And coming up next, Death Cliff!
Hospices are
the deepest bummer I can think of,
but, damn,
if Jammers isn't pulling it off.
Let's go boat!
- Look at that robust gait.
- Yeah, they're good.
Now, are you sure you're okay
with us wearing
this little doggie leash?
Yes. This is the only way
to truly stay in sync.
We'll show Gavin and Luke
they aren't the only perfectly
in sync couple in town.
Oh, who, uh
who's the other one?
- Us!
- Oh, right.
Now I get what you're saying.
Let's go boat!
Okay, save that magic
for the show, hon.
Now entering the cavalcade,
steered
by Captain Todd Hottsworth,
let's hear three cheers
for Lone Moose!
Whoa, the
slime is really slippery, Judy.
Yeah, well, so is the problem
of climate change.
Let's go boat!
- Go, Dad!
- Okay, Todd, this is it.
Time to shine.
Is he pulling it off?
Is he wowing them?
I look in your eyes ♪
And it's just like
the first time ♪
I'm gonna leave my family
for that captain.
Of course he is.
He's ding dang doing it.
You got it.
Step, pause, step, pause.
Let's go boat!
Crispin, listen,
it may be too late for this now,
since we're already walking, but,
those perfectly in sync guys,
they creep me out.
I don't think couples are
supposed to be exactly alike.
Who cares if you walk faster?
Yeah, and so what
if I like spaghetti
and you like fettuccini? It's
all the same under the sauce.
We like different things sometimes,
but that doesn't bother us.
And that's pretty freakin' cool
if you ask me.
And we are in sync
on something
we like each other very much.
So are you saying
what I think you're saying?
Yes. Let's unclip and
each go boat at our own pace.
- Let's go boat!
- Let's go boat! Let's go boat!
- Let's go boat!
- Let's go boat!
The boat boys are moving
at two different speeds.
Who do I follow?
Uh, I guess the faster one?
Uh-oh! Can't let anyone see
Todd's singed shame!
Oh, God, slime!
Oh, no, no, no!
Hang on, Todd!
No!
No!
And the winner is
- Death Cliff!
Randy Jammers
will accept the plaque.
Thank you, Death Cliff.
We are all so
Wait, excuse me!
I need to say something!
Hello. Wolf Tobin, Lone Moose.
Nice to see ya.
First of all,
congratulations to Death Cliff.
But that's not why I'm up here.
I'm up here because
I saw something special today.
I saw a town
that was disheartened
by a washing machine in a river
come together like never before.
And we were brought together
by one man.
Someone
who most people would ignore
if they saw him on the street.
"Oh, he doesn't count."
"Uh, he's not real."
"Oh, he's a carved piece
of driftwood and is a statue."
Yeah. Well, he may not be alive,
but he does have a heart.
The heart of Lone Moose!
Look, did we only love Mr. Todd
Hottsworth when he was hot?
Oh, but then he gets decapitated.
We just turn our backs on him.
Well, not me.
He gave us hope!
And he's still my captain.
And if he's still your captain,
raise your hand!
Come on, raise 'em up!
He's a real man with a rich life!
My sexual attraction
to a pretend man
helped me forget my troubles
for a minute or two.
We all loved him. All of us.
And so what if we're
not the best boat town?
Wolf, are you kidding me?
This whole town agreed
to carve a wooden man
and pretend
he was a hunky captain
just to win a plaque that
means absolutely nothing!
This is easily the best town.
Right after Fresno.
And Fresno
doesn't even have boats!
Making us the best boat town!
- Yeah. Maybe we did do it.
- Best boat town!
Best boat town!
Best boat town!
Okay. Thank you for
whatever that was.
And, Randy, if you'd like
to continue speaking
I, uh, can't follow that.
So does the crowd mind
if I just flex a little?
Flex it, Randy!
You did it, my boy.
You saved the town.
And we can build this dream
together ♪
Standing strong forever ♪
Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪
Nothing's gonna stop us. ♪
Gimme, oh, gimme. ♪