The Last Man On Earth (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth Gail, I am worried about Melissa.
I'm eating my fingers! - You packed Gordon.
- GAIL: You haven't exactly been available to me.
LEWIS: We need to figure out where we're going.
We don't choose the place.
The place chooses us.
Hey, guys! You got to see this! Isn't it pretty? GAIL: Holy balls.
(air whooshing softly) (sighs) (elevator bell dings) (elevator doors open) (elevator music playing) (elevator bell dings) (quietly): Oh, my God.
(whispering): Hey, Todd.
Catch.
Guys? Come here.
We're home.
(crying softly) Get off me.
Yeah, please don't touch her.
This is a miracle.
Appears to be a totally self-sustainable building.
Yeah, they must've not finished it before the virus hit.
Yeah, but what they did finish is frigging awesome.
Yeah.
I can't believe there's a working toilet, guys.
That must a gray water system.
A holding tank collects rainwater, then pumps it down to the toilets.
TODD: This is amazing, guys.
We can finally ditch the-the camping stoves and the generators.
Central air-conditioning! Oh, I'm all about that damn ice machine.
I'm gonna chew me so much damn ice.
I'm gonna chew it and chew it and chew it and chew it.
TANDY: Oh, but the topper, frozen pizza! - Frozen pizza! - TODD: Yeah! - Wow.
- LEWIS: Not to be a stick in the mud, but an office building? This just doesn't feel like a home to me.
TANDY: Come on, Lewis.
You're thinking about this all wrong.
This isn't an office building.
It's a blank canvas.
And we can paint our own masterpiece right here.
What do you say, Lewis? (chanting): Lewis.
Lewis.
OTHERS: Lewis! Lewis! All right, if everyone wants to stay here, then, yeah, whatever.
(cheering) Yeah! Frozen pizza ALL: Frozen, frozen pizza Frozen pizza Frozen, frozen pizza (Tandy whooping, engine revving) (Tandy whooping, engine revving in distance) (Tandy laughing) (tires screech) Hi! (Tandy whooping, laughing) Ha-ha! Good morning, Vietnam! Oh, I couldn't sleep.
I was just so darn tootin' and poopin' with excitement to pick rooms and start moving in.
So, uh, you know, I've checked out this entire building, and I've really taken a liking to this one.
What do you mean, this one? This one.
This, uh this floor.
You're gonna take the whole floor? Look, there are five floors here.
It's almost meant to be.
So, uh, Carol and I will take this one.
Who wants the second floor? It's got a working ATM.
- I'll take it.
- Hey, that's the spirit! Okay, now who wants the third floor? It's got some issues with exposed wires and cubicles and office chairs, but it does look out over a Chili's.
LEWIS: Ooh, me, me, me.
Love the enthusiasm, Lewis.
Okay, fourth floor.
Any takers? Dibs.
- Sure.
Four works for me.
- Oh.
Did did you want that one? 'Cause I can pick another one for myself, if No, I-I just thought Oh, so you want to you want to live on your own? I just thought that that might be best.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Sure.
G-Guys, Gail's-Gail's gonna have the fourth floor, which is, you know, it's a perfect plan.
'Cause then, you know, Melissa and I, we're-we're gonna find our own, uh, floor, you know.
She you can visit, of course, but, uh, you know But it's great.
This is good, guys.
Yeah, yeah.
Ridiculous.
(whirring) Four minutes to pizza, folks! TANDY: Hey, Gail, - can you top me off? - Oh, yeah.
(gurgling) Brain freeze! Oh, God! Oh, worth it.
Three minutes! Cheese is starting to thaw! - (Gail whoops) - Frozen pizza ALL: Frozen, frozen pizza Frozen pizza, frozen, frozen pizza, frozen - What? - GAIL: No.
TODD and TANDY: No! I saw Citizen Kane once, and I always wanted to try this.
What?! (over bullhorn): I saw Citizen Kane once, and I always wanted to try this.
How's your slice? (amplified chewing) Cold.
W-Wet.
Carol, uh, bullhorn on the talking, maybe-maybe no bullhorn on the chewing? (amplified chewing) Okay.
Thank you.
Tandy, this is very fun, but I'm worried that people are getting a little urinated off about the power going out.
Relax, Care Bear.
We probably just blew a fuse from overconsumption.
But the main reason we made this our home is because of the power, and if we don't get it back, I'm worried people are gonna start to doubt this place.
I mean, Lewis already wasn't a big fan, even with power.
Yeah, okay, babe, tell you what.
In the morning, I will go over to the fuse box, and I'll figure it out, okay? Thank you.
You're welcome.
Tandy? Yes.
Could you please pass the salt? Of course.
(engine whirring) Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right, here we go.
Now, where are you, you little mother grabber? Ooh, couldn't be this little guy, could it? No, didn't think so.
Why'd you ever think a switch like that would turn on the power to an entire building, dummies? Okay, well, it's got to be one of you little puppies.
Huh.
What's the smartest way to do this? Guess start in the middle? Is that how we're doing this? It's a little cold, but it works.
Look, obviously, things have not been abundantly kosher between us lately.
I know, Gail, but we'll-we'll get through it.
I'm tired of just getting through it.
What are you saying? I think I'm ready to be alone again.
You breaking up with me? Look, things lately have just gotten really heavy, and I'm just not good with heavy.
Melissa's the one that you have a real connection with, and she needs you right now.
I think you should go be with her.
Bye, Todd.
Got you, you little piece of switch! Oh, Tandy Miller, how do you do it? TANDY: Hey.
Hey, bud.
What's wrong? Uh, Gail and I broke up.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I guess I saw it coming, but it still sucks, you know.
Yeah.
Love can be a Category 5 suck-icane.
Just a week ago, I had two amazing girlfriends I was crazy about.
Now, one dumped me, and the other one's just not there anymore.
Melissa's still having issues? It's like she's devoid of human emotion.
I I just I just can't connect with her.
(metallic thudding) CAROL: Chutes and ladders! Carol.
Carol, what happened? Are you okay? I was just walking, and this thingy fell from the ceiling.
It scared the Beetlejuice out of me.
And nobody say that again twice.
- Beetlejuice? - Tandy, we have enough problems here without introducing a troublemaker from the spirit world.
Fine, nobody say "Beetlejuice" again.
(whispers): Tandy! So, on top of the unreliable power, the ugly art displays could skull-crush us at any moment.
Maybe this place isn't the paradise we thought it was.
I think we're all overreacting.
- This was just an accident.
- CAROL: Yeah.
There's always a few hiccups moving into a new home.
I'm sure we won't get killed.
Okay, we should get you in the other room.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Yeah, let's get you - to a massage chair, Carol.
- Ugh.
Come on.
(whispers): Lewis.
Tandy! Oh, hey.
These are pretty great, huh? Good for all kinds of things.
Why did you put wire cutters in my coffee? Oh, so you know what they're called.
Interesting.
(whispering): So, you cut the power, drop a sculpture on my wife, make the house look bad so we all want to move.
Great plan, except I'm onto you.
What are you up to next? (gunshot) Hey.
Shooting some chairs, huh? Yup.
Nice shot.
Gail and I broke up.
I-I just wanted you to know.
Okay.
- (shotgun racks) - On the bright side, I'll get to spend more time with you now, though.
Okay.
Okay.
Well good talk.
Bye.
Todd? Yeah.
(whispers): Oh.
I'm sorry you're sad.
I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
You're the only thing that matters to me in this world, and I'm here for you.
What's wrong? (voice breaking): Just good to have you back.
Got you! What the hell, Tandy?! What are you doing in here? I'm going to the bathroom.
Really? Can I see it? No, you cannot see it.
Has something died in there? No, Tandy.
(chuckles) Just funny.
Most people take care of their restroom stuff before they go to bed.
Or if they got to go in the middle of the night and the restroom's far away, they just do their business, number one or number two, in a cup by the bed and deal with the cup in the morning.
Well, then you and I have very different processes.
Now, what is it you want? For you to know that I'm (whispers): watching you.
Get out of here.
- (water sloshing) - TODD: Yet to be created She musters a smile For his nostalgic tale Never really sayin' what He wanted to find You're in pretty good spirits, huh? Yeah, sure am.
You know, I finally had a breakthrough with Melissa.
You know, it seems like she turned a corner.
Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Thanks, bud.
Hey, um, listen.
I forgot my soap.
Can I borrow yours? Oh, sure.
Hang on one sec.
Here you go.
- Ah.
Thanks, buddy.
- Gonna need that back.
You got it.
What the hell? No, no, no, I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Lewis.
You! What? Just tell me why you're doing it.
Why I'm doing what, Tandy? Trying to ruin this building, Lewis.
Why in the hell would I even do that? Oh, it's eating you up that we moved into an office building, so now you want us all to hate it so we can move to wherever you choose.
Well, I have good news for you, man.
You can go wherever the hell you want to now, 'cause you are no longer welcome here.
Come on, get out of here! Go! Follow your book.
Tandy, what are you doing? Taking out the trash, Care Bear.
See, thanks to Lewis here, the toilets may be broken, but we still got one last flush.
And it's you from this building.
This is insane! - Is it? - Tandy, you can't do this.
Yes, I can, and I have to, Carol.
But he didn't do anything.
TANDY: No.
Somebody is behind this! It's not me! Well, if you didn't do it, then who the hell did? I did! Lewis, could you, uh, - excuse me for a moment, please? - Yeah.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Why'd you why'd you do it? (sighs) I just always had this dream of where I'd raise my family.
A small house, tiny yard, white picket fence.
And I didn't want that dream to die.
See, all I ever wanted was a home that was already a home to call home.
Like a house.
You should've told me.
I tried, but you were so excited about it, your face lit up like you were watching the world's best porn.
Like if supermodels did porn.
Hey you're my supermodel porn.
Look, I don't want to stay if you don't want to be here.
No.
Wherever you are is the perfect home.
I should probably go tell the others.
And then I said, "I tried, but you were so excited about it, "your face lit up like you were watching the world's best porn.
Like if supermodels did porn.
" And then I said, "Carol, you're my supermodel porn.
" And then we kissed.
(chuckles) Aw.
Okay, we got it.
(groans) Just can't believe you did this, Carol.
It's very unlike you.
On the other hand, nobody got hurt, so (chuckles) Yeah, it's all right, Carol.
All is forgiven.
Oh, no, this is a society, and we have rules.
I deserve punishment.
Throw a book at me.
TANDY: All right.
CAROL: Tandy, this is violating my parole.
Just taking you on a little furlough.
Okay, you ready? Surprise! (Tandy chuckles) Oh, my goodness.
I don't know how close it is to your dreams, but I promise we'll make it feel like a home.
CAROL: It's perfect.
I love it.
And I love you.
I love you, too.
(moans) Melissa? MELISSA: Hey, Todd.
Hey, Melissa, I was just You, uh You're not doing shirts today? Nope, I can't.
Okay, and why-why's that? I burned them all.
Why? I don't know.
Hey, so I have some really exciting news.
Oh, yeah? What what's that? Well, I know we talked about it a long time ago, but I decided I'm finally ready.
You're ready? For what? (chuckles) Ready to have a baby with you! (softly): Yeah.
(squeals softly, claps)