The Muppet Show (1976) s03e05 Episode Script
Pearl Bailey
Pearl Bailey! Pearl Bailey! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey! I'll be there, honey, as soon as somebody calls off these oysters.
Pearl! - Come back to us, Pearl! Back! Back! Heel! Heel! Oh, clam up! Oh, this is a strange place It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.
Yay! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? Everybody on stage! Everybody is on stage.
# It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # I'm not even gonna try it.
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome, again, to The Muppet Show.
I can't tell you what a kick I get when I think of all of you out there watching us.
You know, it sends a chill right up my spine.
Whoo! Uh There it was, right there.
As a matter of fact, here comes another one.
Whoo! Uh, uh, uh That one is for our very special guest star.
She is one of the most wonderful stars of the whole entertainment world, and she told me just before the show that her Papa was a preacher, which is a wonderful reason for doing the following number.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey! # My soul is a witness # Yes, it is # Yes, it is # My soul is a witness # Yes, it is # Yes, it is # God's love will do for you # He will always see you through # 'Cause my soul is a witness # Yes, it is # Yes, it is # My life is a testimony - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is # My life is a testimony - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is # Someone needs to hear # God's love is always near # And my life is a testimony - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is # Oh, my life is an example - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is # My life is an example - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is # Someone Someone should see # What God's love has done for me # 'Cause my life is an example - # Oh, yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord - # A - # Oh, yeah # - # men # Well, how'd you like that? - I don't know, I'll ask the avocado.
Well, what'd you think? - Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.
That's amazing! No, it's not.
He's been a Pearl Bailey fan for years.
OK, nice number, nice number.
Get on stage Bunsen - Oh, wow, Kermit.
Like I really don't believe this weird trip you're putting us on.
What's that, Janice? The band tonight just flashed on the closing number.
The band just flashed? - Hmm-mmm.
I mean, you know, Kermit Sometimes I just don't know what space you're coming from.
Well, it's just a sort of a regular, backstage space.
Oh, really, Kermit.
You don't expect us to do that jousting number from Camelot? Um, well, in a word Yes! Eww.
Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something to say on that.
Honey, you tell him.
Oh, my little green friend.
- Huh? You have much indeed to learn about today's slang.
How do you mean, Floyd? Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number Mmm-hmm - Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it.
Look out! Fractured flipper.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Tinker, tinker, fiddle Oh! Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Well, I've got some news here to tickle your fancy.
Because here they are friends, the answer to your prayers.
Muppets All-New Edible Paper Clips.
Now, the honor of tasting this first batch of delicious paper clips goes, of course, to my helpful and eager assistant, Beaker.
Uh-huh.
Uh - Oh, Beaker, what is the matter? Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker.
Now you eat these clips this minute! Go on, eat.
They're not so bad, go ahead.
Hmm! - Mmm-hmm.
Mmm! - Yes! Good.
Yes, friends, Muppets Edible Paper Clips are delicious, nutritious and nickel-plated.
They're handy around the office, and they're wonderful as a TV snack.
Furthermore, they are absolutely harmless.
Or nearly so.
Poor fellow lost his nose.
Hmm.
How will he smell without it? - Same as always Terrible! Dr.
Honeydew, is Beaker all right? Oh, he'll be fine.
I'll just go invent some nose glue.
Come on, Beaker.
Yeah, but, hey, I'm talking about serious, Kermit.
Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, why cast me? This knight business is a actor's gig.
Yeah.
- I am a musician, remember? Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part.
You're the only one of us with real gallantry.
The only one of us with real honor.
The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.
Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg! Oh, you need a broken leg? I'll fall on you again.
No, no, no.
Floyd, no, no.
Now, listen, this is a great chance for you.
Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Who is the Black Knight? - Well, that's part of the fun.
You see, no one will know! It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
Hmm The world will forever wonder who I am.
Though some may harbor suspicions.
Here is a Muppet news flash.
An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield hat factory.
Reports say that hats are falling all over the Oh! All right.
- Listen, Floyd, I sure am glad you got out of that iron suit, man.
Oh, yeah.
That was a stone drag.
- Oh, it had to be, but I'm telling you, you're lookin' good now with the purple threads.
Oh, yeah.
My main squeeze gave me this.
Oh, you are clever.
Listen, come here a minute.
- Hmm? I wanna ask you a question.
- Yeah? Do the rest of the musicians, do they know you in here? Hmm No, uh-huh.
- Well, crazy, listen.
What if you and me, see, or you and I, either one.
What if we did a little number together? And then, if we went over, who knows, we could take over the whole thing.
Pearlie May - Huh? Nothing would please me more.
- I thought it would! You jump right into it, man! Let me jump in there with you.
- # In the good old summertime - All right! # In the good old summertime # Strolling down that shady lane - # With my baby mine - All right.
Listen # I'll take his hand then he'll take mine - # And, Floyd, that's a good, good sign - Yeah.
# Then, naturally, I will be his tootsie-wootsie # In the good old summertime Go by yourself, man! Yeah! Heat it up! Watch this.
# Strollin' down that shady lane, yeah! # With my baby mine, yeah! # Darlin', you are growing old Oh, now, hold that, baby.
Just kidding, only kidding.
- Ha, ha, ha.
# But I will be the toot tootsie-wootsie # In the good old sun # Come on, let's go together in the good old summertime - # Summertime - # In the good old summertime # Let me tell you a story # Strolling down the shady lane with my # Walking, talking, grooving with my baby # I'm gonna take his hand he'll take mine # Watch it, honey Let me get this whole thing together # I will be the tootsie tootsie-wootsie - # In the good - # In the good old summertime # In the good old summertime # I'll be your tootsie-wootsie in the good old summer, summertime # Summertime # Yeah! Whoo! [# Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee # Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two # You promenade with a big cigar # You tour the world in a private car # You dine on chicken and caviar # An actor's life for me! Aah - OK, what happens now? Oh, now comes the funny part.
Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
OK, OK.
Now, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Oh, Fozzie.
What are you carrying the fish for? Oh, just for the halibut.
You were better off leaving the stage.
Aah! # Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
No, it doesn't, it needs scenery! Oh, wonderful scenery, but is it funny? OK, now.
Now ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for? Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless.
Just for the halibut.
- Keep trying.
# Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two # You promenade with a big cigar # You tour the world in a private car # You dine on chicken and caviar # An actor's life for me! # An actor's life for # Me! # And now, Pigs in Space.
When we last left the Swinetrek, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.
Hmm If the timeless endlessness of eternal space is about that big.
And then our spaceship is down here possibly or Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner there? Uh, that's a duckie.
We need to go in this direction up here, or possibly over Oh, no, no, no! Oh, we're lost! Lost in space.
Why won't he admit it? Just give me time.
- Oh! I got lost once before and I found my way out.
Lost in the outer galaxies, Link? No, in a phone booth.
Hmm This pencil is delicious.
There is no time for that now.
We must either find out our position, or we will perish.
Oh! Oh, which is it to be, Link? Prunes.
Prunes? Hmm - Prunes was not a choice! This is a pencil-shaped prune.
Wait.
I see by the readout here, that we are passing through a field of deadly Snacka Waves.
Snacka Waves? - Ya, ya.
At this very moment, they are tuning everything aboard this ship into food.
My prune pencil.
Ridiculous.
Including this readout, which is now a frozen chicken dinner for two.
Oh, it's delicious.
Aah! Oh, what happened? - What does it look like? Chocolate layer cake.
Aha! Dessert! Desert? Don't you dare desert! Look at old cabbage head.
It's a cauliflower.
Shh.
Listen.
The crew have started to eat the ship.
I find that a bit hard to swallow.
The crew is eating the ship? Are you going bananas? No scallions.
Oh, what are we going to do with a half-eaten spacecraft? Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow? Be sure to tune in next week for Pigs on Toast.
OK, stagies, you can strike that spaceship.
Oh, Kermie! Kermie! Why, Piggy, you've never looked better.
You're skatin' on thin ice, frog.
Yeah.
- Makeup! Makeup! OK.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief, are we in trouble.
What now? - You know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot? Of course.
That's the show's big finale.
Well, the people that published the music from Camelot just called and they won't let you do it.
What?! I was willing to give them credit.
I would've given them a big build up.
I would have given anything to do the jousting scene.
They want money.
Cancel the jousting scene! Gee whiz, chief, I thought you said we had 1 4.
95 in the cash box.
Yeah, well I spent 1 3.
50 on the suits of armor.
What are we going to do? - What can we do? There's only one thing to do! - What's that? Whatever comes next.
- Oh.
Are you a real professor? Of course.
I hold the Chair of Philosophy.
Oh? Where's that? - Right here.
You seem to have a lot on your mind.
Oh, yeah.
I've got a wife and child to support.
Say Are we poisonous? I don't know.
Why? - Oh, nothing, really.
I I just bit my tongue.
Oh,wow.
They're not too light on their feet.
Ow! Not to light on mine, either.
Ah! - Whoa! Ooh, terrific! terrific, wonderful! Say, is your friend, the Avocado here, some kind of professional critic? Nah.
He's just unemployed.
- You should go to work.
Try to make something of yourself.
- Oh, like what? Guacamole! Men, this is a command decision.
We're going to have to cancel the joust.
Bummer.
- What?! It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy! - It'll be dumb.
Oh, really? - Hey, no, dig on it.
For once old Green Stuff speaketh the truth.
No, Kermit.
- I am sorry to have to do this What? - but my career is at stake, now you move.
- Ow! Yes, yes, move, I'll take care of it.
Move, Kermit, yes, move! Hey, tell me, just between the two of us, do you really think this will work? No.
Isn't it terrific? Come on, just introduce us, OK? - OK, OK, OK, OK.
OK.
- OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, we were planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot, but I do think we should cancel this, but But there's been a very pointed argument against canceling.
Good work, Gonzo.
So, anyhow, wish us luck, folks, because here is our special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey and the Muppet Players in what almost might, sort of, kind of be considered the jousting scene from Camelot.
# Every duke and earl and peer is here # Everyone who should be here is here # What a smashing positively dashing spectacle # We're here to see today # And now, may I present Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere, who will welcome you, officially, to our annual joust.
# Hello, fellas # Well, hello, fellas # It's so nice to be back home where I belong # You're looking swell, fellas # I can tell, fellas # You're still crowin' You're still growin' # You're still going strong # I feel this room swayin' # While the band's playin' # One of my old favorite songs from way back when # Oooh! # Golly gee, fellas # Find me a vacant knee, fellas # Pearlie will never go away # Pearlie will never go away # Pearlie will never go away again # Thank you, Your Majesty.
And now to introduce the contestants for this year's joust! # I got the horse right here His name is Paul Revere # And here's a guy who says if the weather's clear # Can do, can do # This guy says the horse can do # I got a horse right here Belongs to Guinevere # And I say this horse can do # Can do, can do? # # Anything you can do, I can do better # I can do anything better than you - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, he can't - # Yes, he can, yes, he can! # Anything you can be I can be greater # I can be anything greater than you - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, he can't - # Yes, he can, yes, he can! # # A boy like that who'd kill your brother # Forget that boy and find another # One of your own kind Stick to your own kind # You know, Rowlf, this don't make any sense at all.
I know, Pearl, but we're stuck with it.
Let the joust begin! Thank you! Whoa! Hey, you guys all right down there? Oh, oh I'm not sure.
How do we look? # You look swell You look great # Gonna have the whole world on the plate! # Starting here, starting now, honey # Everything's coming up roses and daffodils # Everything's coming up # Sunshine and Santa Claus # Everything's coming up roses for me # And for you # OK.
Well, there went another Muppet Show, this one a little more mixed-up than usual.
Mixed-up is not the word.
No, twisted is the word.
Listen, guys, I'll get you a pair of tin snips in a minute.
As soon as I say, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.
Yey! You know something? - Hmm? I can get those guys out of that suit of armor.
I'm an expert at it.
Really? Did you used to be a costumer? No.
I was a welder.
Not sure I want to watch this.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Will you move? Let the crew work, will you? The lady's trying to work.
I didn't like it.
- What'd the avocado think? It's the pits!
Pearl! - Come back to us, Pearl! Back! Back! Heel! Heel! Oh, clam up! Oh, this is a strange place It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.
Yay! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? Everybody on stage! Everybody is on stage.
# It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # I'm not even gonna try it.
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome, again, to The Muppet Show.
I can't tell you what a kick I get when I think of all of you out there watching us.
You know, it sends a chill right up my spine.
Whoo! Uh There it was, right there.
As a matter of fact, here comes another one.
Whoo! Uh, uh, uh That one is for our very special guest star.
She is one of the most wonderful stars of the whole entertainment world, and she told me just before the show that her Papa was a preacher, which is a wonderful reason for doing the following number.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey! # My soul is a witness # Yes, it is # Yes, it is # My soul is a witness # Yes, it is # Yes, it is # God's love will do for you # He will always see you through # 'Cause my soul is a witness # Yes, it is # Yes, it is # My life is a testimony - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is # My life is a testimony - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is # Someone needs to hear # God's love is always near # And my life is a testimony - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is # Oh, my life is an example - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is # My life is an example - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is # Someone Someone should see # What God's love has done for me # 'Cause my life is an example - # Oh, yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, yes - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Yes, it is - # Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord - # A - # Oh, yeah # - # men # Well, how'd you like that? - I don't know, I'll ask the avocado.
Well, what'd you think? - Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.
That's amazing! No, it's not.
He's been a Pearl Bailey fan for years.
OK, nice number, nice number.
Get on stage Bunsen - Oh, wow, Kermit.
Like I really don't believe this weird trip you're putting us on.
What's that, Janice? The band tonight just flashed on the closing number.
The band just flashed? - Hmm-mmm.
I mean, you know, Kermit Sometimes I just don't know what space you're coming from.
Well, it's just a sort of a regular, backstage space.
Oh, really, Kermit.
You don't expect us to do that jousting number from Camelot? Um, well, in a word Yes! Eww.
Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something to say on that.
Honey, you tell him.
Oh, my little green friend.
- Huh? You have much indeed to learn about today's slang.
How do you mean, Floyd? Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number Mmm-hmm - Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it.
Look out! Fractured flipper.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Tinker, tinker, fiddle Oh! Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Well, I've got some news here to tickle your fancy.
Because here they are friends, the answer to your prayers.
Muppets All-New Edible Paper Clips.
Now, the honor of tasting this first batch of delicious paper clips goes, of course, to my helpful and eager assistant, Beaker.
Uh-huh.
Uh - Oh, Beaker, what is the matter? Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker.
Now you eat these clips this minute! Go on, eat.
They're not so bad, go ahead.
Hmm! - Mmm-hmm.
Mmm! - Yes! Good.
Yes, friends, Muppets Edible Paper Clips are delicious, nutritious and nickel-plated.
They're handy around the office, and they're wonderful as a TV snack.
Furthermore, they are absolutely harmless.
Or nearly so.
Poor fellow lost his nose.
Hmm.
How will he smell without it? - Same as always Terrible! Dr.
Honeydew, is Beaker all right? Oh, he'll be fine.
I'll just go invent some nose glue.
Come on, Beaker.
Yeah, but, hey, I'm talking about serious, Kermit.
Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, why cast me? This knight business is a actor's gig.
Yeah.
- I am a musician, remember? Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part.
You're the only one of us with real gallantry.
The only one of us with real honor.
The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.
Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg! Oh, you need a broken leg? I'll fall on you again.
No, no, no.
Floyd, no, no.
Now, listen, this is a great chance for you.
Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Who is the Black Knight? - Well, that's part of the fun.
You see, no one will know! It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
Hmm The world will forever wonder who I am.
Though some may harbor suspicions.
Here is a Muppet news flash.
An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield hat factory.
Reports say that hats are falling all over the Oh! All right.
- Listen, Floyd, I sure am glad you got out of that iron suit, man.
Oh, yeah.
That was a stone drag.
- Oh, it had to be, but I'm telling you, you're lookin' good now with the purple threads.
Oh, yeah.
My main squeeze gave me this.
Oh, you are clever.
Listen, come here a minute.
- Hmm? I wanna ask you a question.
- Yeah? Do the rest of the musicians, do they know you in here? Hmm No, uh-huh.
- Well, crazy, listen.
What if you and me, see, or you and I, either one.
What if we did a little number together? And then, if we went over, who knows, we could take over the whole thing.
Pearlie May - Huh? Nothing would please me more.
- I thought it would! You jump right into it, man! Let me jump in there with you.
- # In the good old summertime - All right! # In the good old summertime # Strolling down that shady lane - # With my baby mine - All right.
Listen # I'll take his hand then he'll take mine - # And, Floyd, that's a good, good sign - Yeah.
# Then, naturally, I will be his tootsie-wootsie # In the good old summertime Go by yourself, man! Yeah! Heat it up! Watch this.
# Strollin' down that shady lane, yeah! # With my baby mine, yeah! # Darlin', you are growing old Oh, now, hold that, baby.
Just kidding, only kidding.
- Ha, ha, ha.
# But I will be the toot tootsie-wootsie # In the good old sun # Come on, let's go together in the good old summertime - # Summertime - # In the good old summertime # Let me tell you a story # Strolling down the shady lane with my # Walking, talking, grooving with my baby # I'm gonna take his hand he'll take mine # Watch it, honey Let me get this whole thing together # I will be the tootsie tootsie-wootsie - # In the good - # In the good old summertime # In the good old summertime # I'll be your tootsie-wootsie in the good old summer, summertime # Summertime # Yeah! Whoo! [# Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee # Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two # You promenade with a big cigar # You tour the world in a private car # You dine on chicken and caviar # An actor's life for me! Aah - OK, what happens now? Oh, now comes the funny part.
Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
OK, OK.
Now, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Oh, Fozzie.
What are you carrying the fish for? Oh, just for the halibut.
You were better off leaving the stage.
Aah! # Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
No, it doesn't, it needs scenery! Oh, wonderful scenery, but is it funny? OK, now.
Now ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for? Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless.
Just for the halibut.
- Keep trying.
# Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two # You promenade with a big cigar # You tour the world in a private car # You dine on chicken and caviar # An actor's life for me! # An actor's life for # Me! # And now, Pigs in Space.
When we last left the Swinetrek, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.
Hmm If the timeless endlessness of eternal space is about that big.
And then our spaceship is down here possibly or Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner there? Uh, that's a duckie.
We need to go in this direction up here, or possibly over Oh, no, no, no! Oh, we're lost! Lost in space.
Why won't he admit it? Just give me time.
- Oh! I got lost once before and I found my way out.
Lost in the outer galaxies, Link? No, in a phone booth.
Hmm This pencil is delicious.
There is no time for that now.
We must either find out our position, or we will perish.
Oh! Oh, which is it to be, Link? Prunes.
Prunes? Hmm - Prunes was not a choice! This is a pencil-shaped prune.
Wait.
I see by the readout here, that we are passing through a field of deadly Snacka Waves.
Snacka Waves? - Ya, ya.
At this very moment, they are tuning everything aboard this ship into food.
My prune pencil.
Ridiculous.
Including this readout, which is now a frozen chicken dinner for two.
Oh, it's delicious.
Aah! Oh, what happened? - What does it look like? Chocolate layer cake.
Aha! Dessert! Desert? Don't you dare desert! Look at old cabbage head.
It's a cauliflower.
Shh.
Listen.
The crew have started to eat the ship.
I find that a bit hard to swallow.
The crew is eating the ship? Are you going bananas? No scallions.
Oh, what are we going to do with a half-eaten spacecraft? Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow? Be sure to tune in next week for Pigs on Toast.
OK, stagies, you can strike that spaceship.
Oh, Kermie! Kermie! Why, Piggy, you've never looked better.
You're skatin' on thin ice, frog.
Yeah.
- Makeup! Makeup! OK.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief, are we in trouble.
What now? - You know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot? Of course.
That's the show's big finale.
Well, the people that published the music from Camelot just called and they won't let you do it.
What?! I was willing to give them credit.
I would've given them a big build up.
I would have given anything to do the jousting scene.
They want money.
Cancel the jousting scene! Gee whiz, chief, I thought you said we had 1 4.
95 in the cash box.
Yeah, well I spent 1 3.
50 on the suits of armor.
What are we going to do? - What can we do? There's only one thing to do! - What's that? Whatever comes next.
- Oh.
Are you a real professor? Of course.
I hold the Chair of Philosophy.
Oh? Where's that? - Right here.
You seem to have a lot on your mind.
Oh, yeah.
I've got a wife and child to support.
Say Are we poisonous? I don't know.
Why? - Oh, nothing, really.
I I just bit my tongue.
Oh,wow.
They're not too light on their feet.
Ow! Not to light on mine, either.
Ah! - Whoa! Ooh, terrific! terrific, wonderful! Say, is your friend, the Avocado here, some kind of professional critic? Nah.
He's just unemployed.
- You should go to work.
Try to make something of yourself.
- Oh, like what? Guacamole! Men, this is a command decision.
We're going to have to cancel the joust.
Bummer.
- What?! It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy! - It'll be dumb.
Oh, really? - Hey, no, dig on it.
For once old Green Stuff speaketh the truth.
No, Kermit.
- I am sorry to have to do this What? - but my career is at stake, now you move.
- Ow! Yes, yes, move, I'll take care of it.
Move, Kermit, yes, move! Hey, tell me, just between the two of us, do you really think this will work? No.
Isn't it terrific? Come on, just introduce us, OK? - OK, OK, OK, OK.
OK.
- OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, we were planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot, but I do think we should cancel this, but But there's been a very pointed argument against canceling.
Good work, Gonzo.
So, anyhow, wish us luck, folks, because here is our special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey and the Muppet Players in what almost might, sort of, kind of be considered the jousting scene from Camelot.
# Every duke and earl and peer is here # Everyone who should be here is here # What a smashing positively dashing spectacle # We're here to see today # And now, may I present Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere, who will welcome you, officially, to our annual joust.
# Hello, fellas # Well, hello, fellas # It's so nice to be back home where I belong # You're looking swell, fellas # I can tell, fellas # You're still crowin' You're still growin' # You're still going strong # I feel this room swayin' # While the band's playin' # One of my old favorite songs from way back when # Oooh! # Golly gee, fellas # Find me a vacant knee, fellas # Pearlie will never go away # Pearlie will never go away # Pearlie will never go away again # Thank you, Your Majesty.
And now to introduce the contestants for this year's joust! # I got the horse right here His name is Paul Revere # And here's a guy who says if the weather's clear # Can do, can do # This guy says the horse can do # I got a horse right here Belongs to Guinevere # And I say this horse can do # Can do, can do? # # Anything you can do, I can do better # I can do anything better than you - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, he can't - # Yes, he can, yes, he can! # Anything you can be I can be greater # I can be anything greater than you - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, you can't - # Yes, I can - # No, he can't - # Yes, he can, yes, he can! # # A boy like that who'd kill your brother # Forget that boy and find another # One of your own kind Stick to your own kind # You know, Rowlf, this don't make any sense at all.
I know, Pearl, but we're stuck with it.
Let the joust begin! Thank you! Whoa! Hey, you guys all right down there? Oh, oh I'm not sure.
How do we look? # You look swell You look great # Gonna have the whole world on the plate! # Starting here, starting now, honey # Everything's coming up roses and daffodils # Everything's coming up # Sunshine and Santa Claus # Everything's coming up roses for me # And for you # OK.
Well, there went another Muppet Show, this one a little more mixed-up than usual.
Mixed-up is not the word.
No, twisted is the word.
Listen, guys, I'll get you a pair of tin snips in a minute.
As soon as I say, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.
Yey! You know something? - Hmm? I can get those guys out of that suit of armor.
I'm an expert at it.
Really? Did you used to be a costumer? No.
I was a welder.
Not sure I want to watch this.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Will you move? Let the crew work, will you? The lady's trying to work.
I didn't like it.
- What'd the avocado think? It's the pits!