The New Adventures of Old Christine s03e05 Episode Script

Previously on old christine: Take ritchie home, he's tired, you're tired.
We can do this another night.
You know what? Come to my house and then after I put ritchie to bed at least we can make out a little bit before I pass out.
here's the thing.
What? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I know what "here's the thing" means.
- I don't want to hear it.
I really, really like you.
- I don't really want to hear it.
We've been going out for three months.
We just started to develop deep psychological bonds.
Yeah, and in three months we've gone on six dates? Oh, god, I know.
I know, this is impossible.
You're right.
So you're dumping me? Well, I'm going to tell people th I dumped you.
Okay, bye, sweetie.
- Have a good day at school, okay? - Okay.
I'll be in the parking lot, in the car, if you need me.
Oh, I'm going to miss you.
- All right, bye, mom.
- Bye, darling.
uh, you're squishing my homework.
Okay, sorry.
Bye.
Hey, christine.
You okay? Yeah, sure, I'm fine.
Why? Well, just, yoknowow pajamas in public.
Oh, yeah.
I broke up with my boyfriend.
And he used to dress you? Life goes on for some.
Okay wh-what are you doing? Oh, chapstick.
My, uh, lips got really dry from the salt in my tears.
No, christine, that's lipstick.
Yep.
Oh, here comes marly and lindsay.
Well, of course.
Well, look who got all dressed up today.
With makeup and everything.
Yeah, I'm a mess.
I wonder what's living in her hair.
I don't know-- bird, possum My broken dreams.
well, don't cry.
It ruins everything.
She broke up with her boyfriend.
No, he broke up with me.
I mean, why wouldn't he? Look at me.
Okay, I was going to say that.
What's she doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing-- I'm dying alone.
All right, this isn't fun.
Yeah, I just had the urge to hug her.
I don't know what's happening.
Let's split up.
I well, you freaked them out.
That's got to cheer you up.
Yeah.
That's kind of funny.
that's the first laugh I've had in a few days.
it feels good to laugh.
okay.
that's-that's enough.
okay let's get you off of school property.
I can't wait for christine to feel better.
I've had to do everything.
I've had to buy a birthday present for ritchie's friend, I had to wrap the present.
What else? That's it.
Just be thankful you don't live here.
I could hardly study last night with all the deep sighing and cork-pulling.
Okay, I'm here.
How's christine doing? Not good.
She's really emotional.
She called me at 3:00 in the morning to tell me she loved me and that I was the best white man she ever had.
- So you'll take ritchie to his party? - Yeah.
Wait, why am I here? I thought you needed help babysitting? I do, but not ritchie.
You will be taking care of that.
Hey, what if I were to take ritchie and you can take care of that? I can'T.
Look, I'm not great with emotions.
When a woman cries, the only way I know how to make them feel better is to sleep with them.
And that stops the crying? Every time.
Most times.
Sometimes.
Listen, come on, barb, I need to go out.
I don't think she should be left alone.
I'd like to help, but I can'T.
Oh, why not? I have no compassion.
She was with this guy for three months.
I was with pete for ten years.
I'm going through a very tough divorce here.
I'm sad.
Is there anything I can do? Get off of me.
Barb, all you have to do is top off christine's chardonnay and throw her body pillow in the dryer to warm it up every once in a while.
I don't know.
Oh, come on, I have my first required therapy session.
Therapy? Did a judge order it? Not this time.
It's part of my training to become a therapist.
patient's perspective.
Are you going to talk about your mother? If I were you, I would.
I saw a shrink for a while and all we talked about was your mother.
Hey, guys.
Richard, that is pathetic.
Give me that.
Wow, what happened to you? You were haunting the house last night.
Yeah, I decided I am done with that.
Hi, barb.
So, richard, you know what? I am going to take ritchie to the party after all.
Oh, I love parties.
Why am I here? Yeah, that's just what I asked myself.
Why am I here, depressed, over what? I had a three month relationship th a guy that I liked.
How long can you be sad about that? You took to your bed for three days when melinda doolittle got kicked off idol.
Don't bring that up.
Anyway, I decided that I would allow myself a day for every month that we were together to be sad.
So, that's three days.
And then I added a day because he's gorgeous, and then I added another day because he said I was gorgeous, and then I added two more days because other things about him were very good.
So, um, add all of that up, that's seven days, which were up yesterday.
That easy, huh? Let's see, how long should I be upset about pete? We were married for ten years, he's a son of a bitch.
Run those numbers.
Hello, matthew.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm dr.
Jacobson.
Looking forward to working with you.
Yeah, me, too.
Why don't you sit down.
Uh, they told you I'm not a real patient, right? This is just a part of my training.
You can still sit down.
A lot of people get nervous about this part of their studies.
How are you feeling? I feel well.
Good.
Not a real patient.
So, what would you like to talk about today? Well, look, I can probably save you a lot of time.
I've got some mommy stuff.
I mean mother stuff.
Smother stuff.
Some other stuff.
I love that pause thing you're doing.
It's very effective.
I might use that with my patients.
So, yeah, thanks to mommy, uh, intimacy issues, weird sense of identity, uh, you know, never really had a long term girlfriend.
But sexually active.
Pause.
Do you live with your mother? Oh, god, no.
I live with my sister.
Is this an exercise party? No, it's a rock climbing party.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
You get to go up a wall.
You can pretend to be a mountain climber or spider-man.
Scary.
Hi, I'm melanie.
- Yomust be here for jackson's party.
- No.
Yeah yeah, you are.
Go climb.
I'll help you get in a harness.
- This is an exercise party.
- No, it'S christine.
Hey, you cleaned up nice.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, I decided to get over it.
You can just do that? Yes, it turns out you can.
Look, christine, I have my own set of problems so I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't unload on me again.
Yeah, you nearly ruined my mani-pedi.
It's okay, all right? M better now.
I don't have a problem.
Oh, someone must have adjusted her meds.
so, uh, what did the doctor give you? Oh, nothing.
Just all bootstraps, self-respect and strength.
Well, that doesn't help me at all.
You really turned things around from this morning.
Yeah, well, you know what? It's not like I had a marriage fall apart or anything.
You know what that's like, right? - Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.
You think you found your soul mate.
You put in the best years of your life.
You must feel like a chump, huh? is this who you're going to be now? Sorry, I'm just feeling powerful, you know.
It's good to be in charge of my emotions.
I don't feel like a victim anymore.
You know what I mean? Ritchie didn't want to climb.
He didn't want to wear the harness.
- What? - It hurt my pri S.
okay, everybody, it's time for "happy birthday.
" So, if you follow sam into the other room, he'll take you there for cake.
And if the parents want a chance to climb while the kids are off, I can help you with that.
Oh, I would love to.
Yeah.
I am living my life.
I'm taking my power back, you know? I'm going to enjoy how full my life is.
I'm not going to obsess about what I don't have, you know? 'Cause what I do have is pretty great.
I'm not going to count on anyone else to make me happy.
I am the master of my own happiness.
Oh, don't look at my ass on the way up.
Okay? No, you know what? Do.
No, no, no, no, don'T.
Don'T.
So, let's see, you have no close friends, no lasting relationships with women.
Because my mother counted on me to fulfill her emotional needs.
Mother issues bought me a beach house.
Where my mother is staying, by the way.
But I'm thinking that might not be your central issue.
Are you kidding? My mother's picture is my screensaver.
She still makes me go bathing suit shopping with her.
Matthew, there's no dot you've mother stuff.
In fact, your mother stuff puts my mother stuff in perspective, and I got some mother stuff.
I even married a man who looks like her, so but your mother is not the reason you can't have a real relationship.
It's because you're already in an all-consuming, intimate relationship.
But not with your mother.
With who? Your sister.
you seem to be having a strong response.
Well, because it's gross.
Very interesting reaction.
It's not "interesting".
It's, it's gross.
Well, just think about it.
No.
You can't make me.
My sister and I have a perfectly normal relationship.
Marry me in a second.
Call me when you're free.
Help me be a woman again, matthew.
Yeah, come on in.
We're having a make-out party.
What would happen if we had a baby? - You and me? - What? Let's just play with it.
there you go! You're almost at the top.
That is high.
Keep going.
Man, this place is wedgie city, isn't it? I've seen some terrible things.
Ma'am, reach for that blue hold on your right.
Why aren't you moving? Christine: I loved him.
And now I'm all alone.
so, how are things? Good.
Good.
You? Oh, good, good.
Oh, I had a question for you.
What the hell's going on? I don't know.
I was reaching for that hold over there and I thought, "ooh, I'm going to make it to the top.
" And then I thought, "oh, who cares?" Who cares if I make it to the top? I'm sure there's a lot of people who care.
No, mike.
There's nobody.
Nobody cares if I make it to the top.
Look, can we talk about this on the ground? Ritchie was right.
This hurts my privates.
You're wearing a kid's harness.
And no underwear.
Can we please get down? I can'T.
I'm sad.
Look.
One relationship didn't work out.
That doesn't mean it can't work out with someone else.
I tried to snap myself out of it on my own, but I can'T.
I need help.
I need my brother.
Would you mind calling him for me? My, my phone is in my purse.
He's number one on my favorites.
Actually, he's my only favorite.
- Could you just push redial? - Got it.
Okay.
Bring me down.
Gentle.
Gen-gentle.
Quickly.
Quickly.
Gentle.
Gentle.
it's not stopping.
- Do you need to get that? - No.
- Don't you want to know who it is? - No.
- Do you know who it is? - Yes.
Where is she? Wow, how far up is it? I've seen worse, but I'd say she's not going to be able to wear those pants again.
I meant how far up the wall.
Oh, about 20 feet.
Matthew? Is that you? Where were you? I need you to help me get off.
I need you to use different words.
I think you'd better go up there.
Your wife's having a hard time.
We're keeping the kids in the party room until we resolve the situation.
Apparently, this happens a lot.
The wall brings up issues for people.
Mainly divorcées and people who've recently lost a lot of weight.
Cake's good.
Hey, what's up? Where were you? I needed you.
- What the hell are you doing? - I don't know.
I thought I had it all planned out.
I gave myself seven days.
I thought I would be better byow.
What, of course you're not going to get over mr.
Harris in seven days.
You're human, not an alarm clock.
You're right, matthew.
I'm not an alarm clock.
It'll take as long as it takes, and then one day you'll feel better.
We've been through this before.
With richard, with melinda doolittle.
You always know what to say.
God, you're so smart, matthew.
You're going to be a great therapist.
Yeah, I don't know.
You're never going to leave me, are you? What? Why are you saying that? Because you're the only one who cares if I make it to the top.
Really, you're always there for me.
And I'm so grateful.
I need a hug, matthew.
- I don't want to.
- No.
- Justjust - no.
Just give me a hug, please! Just to feel you close to me.
Yeah, my therapist says we have anvevey y timate relationship.
What? Yeah, and that's why i can't have any lasting relationships with woman.
- Don'T - what? No, no.
I can't get off.
I can't get off.
Cut the rope! Christine? I hope she's okay.
She wasn't answering her cell phone.
She wasn't at the gym or the souplantation.
I don't know where else to look.
I'm okay.
I'm fine.
I'm here.
Just go on with your lives.
- Okay.
- See you.
Nono, no, wait! Wait, listen.
Matthew's therapist thinks he should move out.
She says we have an unhealthy relationship.
And why are you listening to some stranger? Because she's a doctor.
I always thought therapy was a crock.
I once had a therapist tell me, because I was born by c-section, I'm always looking for an easy way out.
Yeah, and I slept with our marriage counselor.
Ah, see, there's two examples of a therapist not helping.
Well, one.
I just, I've got to let him go if it's the best thing for matthew.
Man, I'm going to miss him.
You're an idiot.
You really don't have compassion.
No, I don't get it.
First she lets a three-month relationship with some guy level her, and now you're going to let matthew walk out of your life? Yeah, you used to fight for things.
You had a lawyer on my ass for two months over a can opener.
I want that can ener, , chard.
Over my dead body.
Don't push it, richard! There's the fire.
Yeah.
That's the woman I divorced.
You're right.
I can't just give up.
Good girl.
Yeah.
I'm going to get matthew back.
What are you doing? Just give me a second.
That harness really did a number on my crotch.
********* And how did she take it? Ah, okay, there you are.
She took it well.
- What are you doing? - Looking for you.
You must be christine.
What are you doing? I have something to say to this therapist! Would you like to sit down? No, I would not.
You can't just spend one hour with a guy and convince him that the most important relationship in his life is inappropriate.
I have a very strong, normal, healthy relationship with my lover.
Uh, brother.
Brother! That's normal to mess things up like that.
Oh, yeah, I know what you're doing.
You're doing the pause.
Well, guess what? I can pause, too.
You know what your problem is? U don't like how therapeutic we are for each other.
Yeah.
It's competition.
But we help each other.
For free, and for longer than 50 minutes at a time.
What is the deal with 50 minutes? I helped him survive our mother.
He helped me through my divorce.
I don't know where I would be without matthew and my son.
And wine.
And sleeping pills.
Hey, can you prescribe sleeping pills? No, I actually can'T.
You can't even prescribe a pill.
But you can get him totoove out? You know, you did come to that conclusion awfully fast.
You just met me.
It doesn't seem very professional to make snap judgments like that.
Well, it's possible I underestimated the value of your relationship.
Ya think? Come on, matthew, let's get out of here.
You know, you're right.
Let's go home, mom.
- Did you just call me mom? - I don't know.
I'd rather be your lover than your mother.
I know.
Me, too.
you know what? Maybe you should finish up the Do I make an appointment with you, or should I talk to the woman Out there.
Out there.
Oh, yeah.
I'll grabperfect.