The Royle Family (1998) s03e05 Episode Script
London
# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # - (Barbara) It's like a lovely ripe peach.
- (Baby David gurgling) Oh, I could eat it.
I could, really.
Ooh! Baby David! You've got a lovely bot-bot.
You have! Yes, you have! Not like Nana.
Nana's is going south.
Nana's is neither use nor ornament.
(Chuckles) - Right, we're off for our little nap.
- Aaah! Bye-bye, Grandad.
(Silly voice) Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Mummy.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
- Bye-bye, Daddy.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Here you are, Ant.
Ra-ra-ra-ra! Bye-bye, Baby David.
- Put a nappy on him, will you, love? - Ba-ba-ba.
- Bye-bye-bye! - (Gurgles) (# Hums) # Twinkle, twinkle, little star # How I wonder what you are # Up above the world so high # Like a little diamond in the sky # (TV) We decided that he should do a stint behind the deli counter.
- Ah, ta, Mam.
- (Man) Well, Noreen, what do you think? Oh, very nice.
You look whiter than white.
- Matches my character.
- Mm.
Now, these cheeses.
Take me over and show me this counter.
- Cos I don't know anything really.
- Ta.
There's a certain type I like.
See if you can guess what cheese I like.
- Come on, you like all this mystery stuff.
- (Laughs) I bet you like a mature, strong cheese.
- She's dead right.
- (Laughs) My father used to love these these mouldy ones, with all the blue.
- So did mine.
- I used to have Danish Blue.
- Don't you like those? - No.
I don't mind 'em now.
- Couldrt eat 'em when I was young.
- No.
Your palate changes as you get older.
- It's true, that.
- Not that much older.
I mean, prefer mature ones, as I'm maturing.
(Noreen, laughing) That's your Mexicana, it's full of spices.
- What, chillies and that? - Yeah.
Dave? How's the farmyard going? Oh, it's all right, Barbara, I've nearly finished it now.
I want to give it to Baby David next week on the morning of his christening, as a present.
- Aww.
- (Jim) Want any bullshit for it, Dave? Barbara's got plenty going spare.
- Try that? - Yes, that's quite nice, actually.
- I like cranberries.
- We do one with strawberries.
I wouldn't like that.
Cranberries would be nice.
- Could I try a bit of this? - Oh, Mam, guess what, right? The other day, right, I just took my eyes off Baby David, just for a second, right, while Richard & Judy was on.
And the next thing, he only tipped a full ashtray all over himself.
Aww! Aww! Arert they lovely at that age? - Yeah.
- Aww.
I bet he looked dead cute, did he? - (Denise) Yeah! - (Chuckles) I didn't have the heart to tell him off.
They're into everything at that age, aren't they? - Yeah.
- Who's brave enough to try a sample - Dave took a picture of it.
- Ooh, was Dave there? No, but I waited till he came home from work, you know.
- It's a belter, Barbara.
- Aww.
(Man) Right, where's this? Take this one.
- Turkey breast, please.
- This one here.
- Yes please.
- How much? - A quarter.
- That's not very much.
- He's done this before, I'm sure.
- I'd say - It's a treat for my cat.
- Your cat? - Yeah.
- Oh, right.
- He'll only come in for it.
- And where's the weight? - Turkey breast.
Press that, yeah? - Put turkey breast.
Press that.
For cooked turkey, 140 grams.
- 69 pence.
- Denise? - Yeah? - Could you give us a bit of a borrow? No.
Now I've seen this done in my supermarket, where you fold it over - Dave? - Mm? - Can I borrow a few quid, Dave? - I'm a bit short at the moment.
Sorry.
(Laughter on TV) - Mum - Yes, love? (Coughs) Could I lend a few pounds off you? Aah.
No.
Sorry.
Hi, can I help you? - Dad? - No.
Let me see.
I'll start from scratch.
We need one of these on here Me me thongs.
These two slices here, yeah? Now, this is obviously ham.
Do we know what type of ham it is? - That's bonus carver ham.
- Dave? I forgot to ask you.
How was your mam's 60th birthday do? Oh, it was great, thanks, Barbara.
Went down a storm, yeah.
Everybody hid behind the curtains, you know, - and jumped out when she walked in.
- Ooh! How lovely.
Aww.
- Who was there, Dave? - Well, mainly family, you know.
Who was that, then, lad? Well, me.
And Denise.
And me dad.
You know, just immediate family, really.
Aah.
Oof.
I tell you what, I'll bet you that took some bloody organising.
Yeah.
I left that with Denise.
(Jim) What time did the the old festivities finish? - About ten.
- Flipping heck, ten o'clock! What food was there, Dave? - Well, Denise did the buffet.
- (Jim) Ah-ha-ha! The old crisps and nuts, eh? - (Denise) Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, just crisps.
And did your mam enjoy it, Dave? Well, she did, but she got a bit upset when me dad went to bed at nine.
Aww.
(Tuts) Is he, er is he suing anyone this week, Dave? - Council.
- Again, eh? - Yeah.
- Nice one! Did you have music and that? Well, just the telly, you know.
Me mum don't like any fuss, Barbara.
- Aww.
- No.
But I'll get the photos developed this week, Barbara, I'll bring them round.
Ooh, lovely.
Thanks, Dave.
- Took four rolls.
- Ooh.
Bloody hell, Dave, Hello! Magazine'll be interested in them.
They do all the bloody big functions.
(Woman) Coach trips are very important here at Shopping City, it brings a lot of people here, and this is the story of one of the regular coach drivers.
(Second woman) In a little town called Flint in North Wales, there's a very special man.
His name is Les and he can find you anything.
Every week, he drives his coach to Shopping City, but if you can't make the trip yourself, Les will get whatever you want.
Now that's what I call personal service.
Has our Antony told you all where he's going to next week? - (Both) No.
- Antony? Tell everybody about you going to London next week.
Oh, yeah me and Darrers going to London next week.
- London? - Yeah.
- London? - Bloody London? - Yeah.
- (Jim) What's that about, Lurchie? Well, we're taking a tape of the band down, you know, get a bit of record company interest.
- I thought you'd split up.
- No, we decided to re-form, - cos Darren thought of a really good riff.
- (Jim) That's bloody good news.
It's nice to know you're not living in a dream world, wasting your bloody time.
(Barbara) Oh, Jim, leave him alone.
Why can't you ever encourage him? Antony, I think it's great, what you're doing, love.
So have you got any, er any appointments and that down there, Lurky? No, we're just gonna sort of go in and let the tape speak for itself, you know.
So you know, er, where the old record companies are down in London, do you? Um not really.
No.
You're not going to wander the streets hoping to bump into the head of EM bloody I, are you? Bloody hell! Come on, son.
Aww.
Our Antony reminds me of, um - (Denise) Who? - Oh Him.
What's his name? - Dick Whittington! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, aye, he's like Dick Whittington, but without the bloody Whittington.
Well, you've never even been to London, Denise.
Yeah, I know I've never, but Dave has.
Mam, will you tell him? - Dave! Have you been to London? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Well, not exactly London, but We stopped at Scratchwood Services on a removals job, you know.
Oooh! (Jim) I'll tell you about bloody London, eh? Pint of beer, three pound a bloody pint.
And it's as flat as a witch's tit.
How would you know, Jim? You've never been to London.
I've never been to Dave's mother's house, but I know it's boring there.
Oh.
Take no notice, Dave.
Hey, Lurk.
I'll tell you what could happen if you if you play this right, - and that tape goes down a storm.
- Yeah? And EMI and Warners are, like, fighting over the songs.
- Yeah? - They're bidding against each other, throwing all sorts of cash at you and promising you all sorts of untold wealth.
- Yeah! - And they're both desperate - to produce your next album? - Yeah! Oh-ho! You know what happens next, don't you? - What? - The bloody alarm clock goes off! You wake up in your own bed, in your own poxy bedroom! You soft sod! Oh, Jim.
Well, his head's full of bloody magic.
(Cackling) (Denise) Hey, Antony, is Emma going with you to London? - No.
- Why not? Well, you know.
It's a business trip, innit? Business trip? Ooh, Antony, I'll have to do you some sandwiches.
Oh, aye, you can share them out in the boardroom.
Aah.
Hey, I think Antony's going off Emma.
- Mmm.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- Oh.
You are.
He is, irt he? When you first went out with Emma, you never used to bother with Darren.
Now you can't move without him.
I think it's more like Emma's going off him.
- Well, she's not, all right? - (AIl) Oooh! (Jim) Oh, she's finally come to her senses, has she? She's finally woken up out of the old coma, has she, Lurky? Hee-hee.
Don't have to see each other all the time, Jim.
Yeah, we're getting on fine, thanks.
(Jim) Of course you are.
Hey, don't be peeling them that bloody thin.
You're wasting half of them spuds there, soft lad.
(Mutters) (Woman) As well as overseeing the smooth running of the store, she's also hosting a special charity lunch, treasure hunt and fashion show.
(Second woman) We're prepared.
We've done it so many times Are you having this, Dave? Hm? - Hey! - (Barbara) Ooh! He's always been gifted with his hands, Antony.
Good, that.
(AIl) Hey! Lurchio.
(Barbara) Ooh.
(Denis gasps) Oh, Dave.
Show me mam what you can do with your finger, that trick.
Oh, that? Yeah.
Huh? Ooh! Aww.
How long have you been able to do that, Dave? Mm I think it was about last March or April.
Summat like that.
About last March or April, wasrt it, Denise? Reckon it's about yeah, last March or April, something like that.
Ooh! How did you find out you could do that, Dave? Well, I was in the doctor's surgery and they had no magazines, you know.
So I was just messing about, going like that.
And then suddenly it just went to that.
Ohhh! It's great, that, Dave.
- Irt it great, Denise? - Yeah.
Just went to that.
- He's great at anything like that, Dave.
- Aww.
I'd better book the bloody Palladium for you, hadrt I? Bloody hell, it's no wonder Bruce Forsyth keeps on bloody working.
(Woman) all his regular customers, very, very confident, walking up to people, chatting.
But what is nice, although he's out in that catering field, he's part of the department store, so he works well with his peers.
- (Man) They asked me to come here - (Coughs) And, er it's a very good opportunity.
I learned a lot.
It's a great a very good team.
Are you stopping for your tea, Denise? - That all right? - Yeah.
Aah, ta.
It's only egg and chips, though.
Them sausages we had are out of date now.
(Man) out the front.
The sea, the sun and Manchester is not that bad, you know? We've got Manchester United.
Er, which Well, I prefer the first team, but How out of date are they, Barbara? - What, love? - Them sausages.
What about them? How out of date are they? Oh.
Oh, I don't know, Dave, about, hm week or so, I think.
Mm.
Well, that doesn't bother me, that, Barbara.
I don't bother about all that out of date stuff, that's all right.
(Barbara) Oh, Dave.
Ooh.
Irt that a lovely way to live? (AIl) Yeah.
(Barbara sighs) - (Jim) Barb? - Mm? How did we let the sausages get out of date? Have we won the bloody lottery or something? - Bloody hell! - Oh, Jim.
(Woman) my eyes are everywhere, but I look as a customer would look as well.
There is that attention to detail, we've got to be one step ahead all the time.
(Second woman) With just 20 minutes to go before 50 guests arrive - (Phone) things in the kitchen are hotting up.
Now, everyone has arrived and store manager Cathy has dragged him out of the kitchen.
The crowd are as hungry Hello? Ah.
Hiya, Darren.
(As Ali G) Easy, now.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
What, yeah, about half eight, nine, are you sure? Aiight.
Yeah.
That's it.
West side! (Laughs) Yeah.
West side.
Yeah.
I'll see you.
All right.
- (Jim) Who was that, Lurky? - Darren.
Oh! Can you just imagine them two down in London, Dave, eh? A couple of little old rent boys.
Dad! Don't say that.
You're always horrible to our Antony.
It's just not fair.
What's up with you? Well, he is my brother.
I'd hate anything bad to happen to him in London.
(Barbara) Ooh, Denise.
Aww.
That's lovely.
What a lovely thing to say, Denise.
Ooh.
I'm proud of you.
Mmm.
Hey, Ant.
Aah.
Mm.
(Jim) You you take care of yourself, Antony.
You look after yourself in London, son.
Your not a bad lad, really.
Hey, and if there is any trouble, you just call home, all right? And they'll have me and Dave to answer to.
- Isn't that right, Dave? - Yeah.
We'll look after you, Ant.
Don't you worry, lad.
- Ta.
- (Woman) job isn't over.
He's got to chat up the guests between courses.
(Man) It's become problem.
Some mornings we do in two hours.
If they turn out right, it's good.
But you have to turn them often.
How long do you have the chicken? It's a little delicate.
Oh.
Hm.
- Mm.
very good quality of food.
And they are very happy, and that's the most important thing.
(Sighs) (Woman) We're actually showing you the shorts, but you can in fact get trousers and skirts.
(Sighs) Not Halloween, is it? (Sighs) - Hm.
- Anything doing, Mam? No, nothing.
(Norma sighs) How long have I been upstairs this time, trying, Barbara? - Oh, about 40 minutes, Mam.
- Oh.
I used to be as regular as clockwork.
But since Elsie passed on - Oh, I'm all bunged up.
- Aww.
(Jim) Wish your bloody mouth was bunged up.
Where's Baby David, Denise? Oh, I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, he's upstairs, irt he? - Yeah, he's upstairs.
- (Norma) Is he all right up there, Denise? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Hey, Nana, guess what? - What? - You know our Antony? - Yeah.
- He's going down London next week.
Is he, love? Are you, Antony? - Yeah, I am, yeah.
- Oh.
Wait, where's my handbag? (Norma) Ooh.
(Man) We're a bit up and down with the staffing levels Sometimes it was round about 40, and we don't appear to have enough, above 40.
There you are.
That's £3, Antony.
For London.
That's from your old nana! Aww! - Thanks, Nana.
- It's all right, love.
(Man) Polishing up the chrome.
Very meticulous.
- Aww! - (Woman) managerial.
Tonight, he's making a clean sweep of the escalators.
Oh, Elsie's daughter Marian went to London to see something.
- Oh.
- What was it, Barbara? - Was it Cats? - No, it was a musical.
I know they stopped at an hotel.
Now, I don't know what it was called or where it was.
But I do know that every night, they had a mint chocolate put on their pillow.
- Ooh.
- What do you think to that, Barbara? Oh, that's lovely, that, Mam.
Denise, Denise.
Elsie's daughter Marian and her husband went to London and they stopped in an hotel.
And every night, they had a mint chocolate put on their pillow.
(Laughs) Before they went to bed! Now, what do you think of that? Oh, I don't know, Nana.
Why do they do that, Barbara? I don't know, Mam, I've never been to London.
Ooh.
Why do they do that, Denise? I don't know, Nana.
Cheryl would like that, wouldn't she? A mint chocolate on her pillow every night.
She'd like a bloody chocolate bloody pillow, would Cheryl.
Hee-hee.
He's the coach driver who claimed to be able to find anything at Shopping City.
Well, it's time to catch up with him as he attempts to find six items for customers back in North Wales.
I'll have a go in The Pier first, see if I can get me plate and me glass.
I've been there before.
Not for a request, just to have a look around.
They seem very helpful.
I was on a mission then, though.
They're near enough, but not quite.
So what I may do is, if I'll bear it in mind.
I won't get nothing today.
Here, look, that's not too bad.
What I'm thinking is, at that price, I might be able to get six.
And swap the whole set.
Right.
Seen the Wedgwood counter there.
They can't help me with the glass.
Royal Doulton can't, and Er Debenams' own.
But they said try Selfridges, so that's my next stop.
So I got one maybe and another one on the hit list.
- (Narrator) No luck in there, then, Les.
- Right.
- I've been told again, without the name - (Jim growling) I can't I'll have to get something.
So I'm heading down that way.
Hopefully we'll pass the HMVstore.
This tape I'm after, Johnny Prestors Running Bird, the DJ that's asked is a friend.
The DJs must get together.
And he just said to "I've tried to get this Johnny Preston, Running Bird, on CD.
" He couldn't get it.
He said, "You won't get that.
" He said, "I know a man who can.
" Well, I'm not on a very good day at the moment.
Though it's it's still on order.
He said it was going to be a week a week to ten days.
It's on order, it's been ordered, it still hasn't come in yet.
So it'll be the next hit when I come here.
(Narrator) One last try for the glass, then, Les.
I'm trying to find a glass.
Have you got anything like that? - Any luck? - No.
- I'm getting disheartened now.
- Aww.
That's all me shops, now.
Er I'll go and see if me watch has been done.
I'll get me watch back.
At least I'll have managed to get something today.
(Narrator) Oh, well.
Four hours later and still no success.
Will Les ever manage to reduce his hit or should that be missed list? - (Dave chuckling) - (Les) Right.
OK, thank you.
That's one out of three.
I've got one other to go.
I forgot me trousers for me wife.
Just egg and chips tonight, Mam.
Is that all right? Ooh, lovely.
Are Denise and Dave stopping? - Yeah.
- Mm.
We'll just have it on our knees, shall we? - Save the bother of laying the table.
- (AIl) Yeah.
(Narrator) He's got his wife's trousers, at least.
(Les) I'm happy now, I've got half.
I've got three out of six.
I've got one, two, and the watch is three.
The mission was six.
I've only missed out on three.
So not doing too bad.
I'm pleased with that.
I'm going to see Dr Goddard tomorrow, Barbara.
- Oh, are you, Mam? - Mm.
He's been smashing with me, has Dr Goddard.
Aww.
(Jim) What's his views on euthanasia, Norma? - (Wheezing) Euthanasia! - He's lovely.
He's married to a midwife.
What do you think to that, Barbara? Denise, what do you think to that? Dr Goddard, married to a nurse.
Imagine living next door to them.
Put your mind at rest, wouldn't it? Him a doctor and her a nurse! Not like me, I mean, if anything happened to me at home, there'd be nobody there now Elsie's gone.
Elsie was housebound, Mam.
I know, but she did have a first-aid tin.
Which actually, I've got now.
Hmph.
(Woman) Susan and the staff are entering into the spirit of the occasion.
(Second woman) All the staff are going to be dressed up (Jim) Don't cut the chips that bloody thin! You're not working for McDonald's! Yet.
Ooh, Barbara, I think I might go upstairs and have another try.
I can feel some movement.
- What do you think, Barbara? - Yeah.
- Bloody hellfire.
- What's up with you? I was gonna go.
I've been baking one since she was up there.
- I can't bake it much bloody longer.
- (Denise) Dad! - (Barbara) Jim! - I've been looking forward to this shite.
Dad, you could have kept that to yourself, thank you very much.
Not for much longer, I bloody couldn't.
Barbara, let him go on the toilet if he wants to.
No, Mam, you go on the toilet.
Jim, you can wait.
Barbara, let her go on the toilet.
Barbara, let him go on the toilet.
- Barbara, let her go on the toilet.
- Barbara, let him go on the toilet.
- Let her go on the toilet.
- (Barbara) Jim! All this toilet talk.
We're about to start eating our tea.
Probably a bloody false alarm with her anyway, like it was last time.
I was gonna do you that furniture while I was up there.
- What do you mean? - Do you a couple of stools.
(Woman) storing card and a certificate.
The storing card puts the outfit the doll's wearing in context, it gives the approximate period at which that costume would have been worn.
- (Norma) Ooh, Barbara? - Mm? Did you see that programme last night with that woman in that I like? - What womars that, Mam? - Oh, you know.
Erm Ah, what's she called? Erm She's posh and she talks like this.
(Posh accent) "Hello, Terry Wogan.
How are you?" Who is it, Denise? - No, I don't know who you mean, Nana.
- Oh.
You know, she's, erm she's always got a cigarette in one hand and, er a glass of booze in the other.
(Jim) That's our Denise! - Dad! - No, no, it's not.
No.
(Sighs) What's she called? Erm (Sighs) She made a bra out of a pair of slippers.
That's bloody Joanne Lumley, you bloody old clown, you.
She made a pair of slippers out of a bra on that island.
She didn't make a bra out of her bloody slippers! (Norma, cackling) I got it wrong, didn't I, Barbara? - Yeah! - Bra into slippers, slippers into (Breaks wind) (Man) So a movie star, which is very appealing, and I was able to meet Jears a Frankenstein version - of all my favourite movie stars.
- Er, Barbara, I'll just go up and have another try.
I put them all together, and I wanted a persona that would imply a lot of different actresses.
So depending on her hair colour and costume, people would sort of see (Roars of laughter) Good old Norma! # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #
- (Baby David gurgling) Oh, I could eat it.
I could, really.
Ooh! Baby David! You've got a lovely bot-bot.
You have! Yes, you have! Not like Nana.
Nana's is going south.
Nana's is neither use nor ornament.
(Chuckles) - Right, we're off for our little nap.
- Aaah! Bye-bye, Grandad.
(Silly voice) Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Mummy.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
- Bye-bye, Daddy.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Here you are, Ant.
Ra-ra-ra-ra! Bye-bye, Baby David.
- Put a nappy on him, will you, love? - Ba-ba-ba.
- Bye-bye-bye! - (Gurgles) (# Hums) # Twinkle, twinkle, little star # How I wonder what you are # Up above the world so high # Like a little diamond in the sky # (TV) We decided that he should do a stint behind the deli counter.
- Ah, ta, Mam.
- (Man) Well, Noreen, what do you think? Oh, very nice.
You look whiter than white.
- Matches my character.
- Mm.
Now, these cheeses.
Take me over and show me this counter.
- Cos I don't know anything really.
- Ta.
There's a certain type I like.
See if you can guess what cheese I like.
- Come on, you like all this mystery stuff.
- (Laughs) I bet you like a mature, strong cheese.
- She's dead right.
- (Laughs) My father used to love these these mouldy ones, with all the blue.
- So did mine.
- I used to have Danish Blue.
- Don't you like those? - No.
I don't mind 'em now.
- Couldrt eat 'em when I was young.
- No.
Your palate changes as you get older.
- It's true, that.
- Not that much older.
I mean, prefer mature ones, as I'm maturing.
(Noreen, laughing) That's your Mexicana, it's full of spices.
- What, chillies and that? - Yeah.
Dave? How's the farmyard going? Oh, it's all right, Barbara, I've nearly finished it now.
I want to give it to Baby David next week on the morning of his christening, as a present.
- Aww.
- (Jim) Want any bullshit for it, Dave? Barbara's got plenty going spare.
- Try that? - Yes, that's quite nice, actually.
- I like cranberries.
- We do one with strawberries.
I wouldn't like that.
Cranberries would be nice.
- Could I try a bit of this? - Oh, Mam, guess what, right? The other day, right, I just took my eyes off Baby David, just for a second, right, while Richard & Judy was on.
And the next thing, he only tipped a full ashtray all over himself.
Aww! Aww! Arert they lovely at that age? - Yeah.
- Aww.
I bet he looked dead cute, did he? - (Denise) Yeah! - (Chuckles) I didn't have the heart to tell him off.
They're into everything at that age, aren't they? - Yeah.
- Who's brave enough to try a sample - Dave took a picture of it.
- Ooh, was Dave there? No, but I waited till he came home from work, you know.
- It's a belter, Barbara.
- Aww.
(Man) Right, where's this? Take this one.
- Turkey breast, please.
- This one here.
- Yes please.
- How much? - A quarter.
- That's not very much.
- He's done this before, I'm sure.
- I'd say - It's a treat for my cat.
- Your cat? - Yeah.
- Oh, right.
- He'll only come in for it.
- And where's the weight? - Turkey breast.
Press that, yeah? - Put turkey breast.
Press that.
For cooked turkey, 140 grams.
- 69 pence.
- Denise? - Yeah? - Could you give us a bit of a borrow? No.
Now I've seen this done in my supermarket, where you fold it over - Dave? - Mm? - Can I borrow a few quid, Dave? - I'm a bit short at the moment.
Sorry.
(Laughter on TV) - Mum - Yes, love? (Coughs) Could I lend a few pounds off you? Aah.
No.
Sorry.
Hi, can I help you? - Dad? - No.
Let me see.
I'll start from scratch.
We need one of these on here Me me thongs.
These two slices here, yeah? Now, this is obviously ham.
Do we know what type of ham it is? - That's bonus carver ham.
- Dave? I forgot to ask you.
How was your mam's 60th birthday do? Oh, it was great, thanks, Barbara.
Went down a storm, yeah.
Everybody hid behind the curtains, you know, - and jumped out when she walked in.
- Ooh! How lovely.
Aww.
- Who was there, Dave? - Well, mainly family, you know.
Who was that, then, lad? Well, me.
And Denise.
And me dad.
You know, just immediate family, really.
Aah.
Oof.
I tell you what, I'll bet you that took some bloody organising.
Yeah.
I left that with Denise.
(Jim) What time did the the old festivities finish? - About ten.
- Flipping heck, ten o'clock! What food was there, Dave? - Well, Denise did the buffet.
- (Jim) Ah-ha-ha! The old crisps and nuts, eh? - (Denise) Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, just crisps.
And did your mam enjoy it, Dave? Well, she did, but she got a bit upset when me dad went to bed at nine.
Aww.
(Tuts) Is he, er is he suing anyone this week, Dave? - Council.
- Again, eh? - Yeah.
- Nice one! Did you have music and that? Well, just the telly, you know.
Me mum don't like any fuss, Barbara.
- Aww.
- No.
But I'll get the photos developed this week, Barbara, I'll bring them round.
Ooh, lovely.
Thanks, Dave.
- Took four rolls.
- Ooh.
Bloody hell, Dave, Hello! Magazine'll be interested in them.
They do all the bloody big functions.
(Woman) Coach trips are very important here at Shopping City, it brings a lot of people here, and this is the story of one of the regular coach drivers.
(Second woman) In a little town called Flint in North Wales, there's a very special man.
His name is Les and he can find you anything.
Every week, he drives his coach to Shopping City, but if you can't make the trip yourself, Les will get whatever you want.
Now that's what I call personal service.
Has our Antony told you all where he's going to next week? - (Both) No.
- Antony? Tell everybody about you going to London next week.
Oh, yeah me and Darrers going to London next week.
- London? - Yeah.
- London? - Bloody London? - Yeah.
- (Jim) What's that about, Lurchie? Well, we're taking a tape of the band down, you know, get a bit of record company interest.
- I thought you'd split up.
- No, we decided to re-form, - cos Darren thought of a really good riff.
- (Jim) That's bloody good news.
It's nice to know you're not living in a dream world, wasting your bloody time.
(Barbara) Oh, Jim, leave him alone.
Why can't you ever encourage him? Antony, I think it's great, what you're doing, love.
So have you got any, er any appointments and that down there, Lurky? No, we're just gonna sort of go in and let the tape speak for itself, you know.
So you know, er, where the old record companies are down in London, do you? Um not really.
No.
You're not going to wander the streets hoping to bump into the head of EM bloody I, are you? Bloody hell! Come on, son.
Aww.
Our Antony reminds me of, um - (Denise) Who? - Oh Him.
What's his name? - Dick Whittington! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, aye, he's like Dick Whittington, but without the bloody Whittington.
Well, you've never even been to London, Denise.
Yeah, I know I've never, but Dave has.
Mam, will you tell him? - Dave! Have you been to London? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Well, not exactly London, but We stopped at Scratchwood Services on a removals job, you know.
Oooh! (Jim) I'll tell you about bloody London, eh? Pint of beer, three pound a bloody pint.
And it's as flat as a witch's tit.
How would you know, Jim? You've never been to London.
I've never been to Dave's mother's house, but I know it's boring there.
Oh.
Take no notice, Dave.
Hey, Lurk.
I'll tell you what could happen if you if you play this right, - and that tape goes down a storm.
- Yeah? And EMI and Warners are, like, fighting over the songs.
- Yeah? - They're bidding against each other, throwing all sorts of cash at you and promising you all sorts of untold wealth.
- Yeah! - And they're both desperate - to produce your next album? - Yeah! Oh-ho! You know what happens next, don't you? - What? - The bloody alarm clock goes off! You wake up in your own bed, in your own poxy bedroom! You soft sod! Oh, Jim.
Well, his head's full of bloody magic.
(Cackling) (Denise) Hey, Antony, is Emma going with you to London? - No.
- Why not? Well, you know.
It's a business trip, innit? Business trip? Ooh, Antony, I'll have to do you some sandwiches.
Oh, aye, you can share them out in the boardroom.
Aah.
Hey, I think Antony's going off Emma.
- Mmm.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- Oh.
You are.
He is, irt he? When you first went out with Emma, you never used to bother with Darren.
Now you can't move without him.
I think it's more like Emma's going off him.
- Well, she's not, all right? - (AIl) Oooh! (Jim) Oh, she's finally come to her senses, has she? She's finally woken up out of the old coma, has she, Lurky? Hee-hee.
Don't have to see each other all the time, Jim.
Yeah, we're getting on fine, thanks.
(Jim) Of course you are.
Hey, don't be peeling them that bloody thin.
You're wasting half of them spuds there, soft lad.
(Mutters) (Woman) As well as overseeing the smooth running of the store, she's also hosting a special charity lunch, treasure hunt and fashion show.
(Second woman) We're prepared.
We've done it so many times Are you having this, Dave? Hm? - Hey! - (Barbara) Ooh! He's always been gifted with his hands, Antony.
Good, that.
(AIl) Hey! Lurchio.
(Barbara) Ooh.
(Denis gasps) Oh, Dave.
Show me mam what you can do with your finger, that trick.
Oh, that? Yeah.
Huh? Ooh! Aww.
How long have you been able to do that, Dave? Mm I think it was about last March or April.
Summat like that.
About last March or April, wasrt it, Denise? Reckon it's about yeah, last March or April, something like that.
Ooh! How did you find out you could do that, Dave? Well, I was in the doctor's surgery and they had no magazines, you know.
So I was just messing about, going like that.
And then suddenly it just went to that.
Ohhh! It's great, that, Dave.
- Irt it great, Denise? - Yeah.
Just went to that.
- He's great at anything like that, Dave.
- Aww.
I'd better book the bloody Palladium for you, hadrt I? Bloody hell, it's no wonder Bruce Forsyth keeps on bloody working.
(Woman) all his regular customers, very, very confident, walking up to people, chatting.
But what is nice, although he's out in that catering field, he's part of the department store, so he works well with his peers.
- (Man) They asked me to come here - (Coughs) And, er it's a very good opportunity.
I learned a lot.
It's a great a very good team.
Are you stopping for your tea, Denise? - That all right? - Yeah.
Aah, ta.
It's only egg and chips, though.
Them sausages we had are out of date now.
(Man) out the front.
The sea, the sun and Manchester is not that bad, you know? We've got Manchester United.
Er, which Well, I prefer the first team, but How out of date are they, Barbara? - What, love? - Them sausages.
What about them? How out of date are they? Oh.
Oh, I don't know, Dave, about, hm week or so, I think.
Mm.
Well, that doesn't bother me, that, Barbara.
I don't bother about all that out of date stuff, that's all right.
(Barbara) Oh, Dave.
Ooh.
Irt that a lovely way to live? (AIl) Yeah.
(Barbara sighs) - (Jim) Barb? - Mm? How did we let the sausages get out of date? Have we won the bloody lottery or something? - Bloody hell! - Oh, Jim.
(Woman) my eyes are everywhere, but I look as a customer would look as well.
There is that attention to detail, we've got to be one step ahead all the time.
(Second woman) With just 20 minutes to go before 50 guests arrive - (Phone) things in the kitchen are hotting up.
Now, everyone has arrived and store manager Cathy has dragged him out of the kitchen.
The crowd are as hungry Hello? Ah.
Hiya, Darren.
(As Ali G) Easy, now.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
What, yeah, about half eight, nine, are you sure? Aiight.
Yeah.
That's it.
West side! (Laughs) Yeah.
West side.
Yeah.
I'll see you.
All right.
- (Jim) Who was that, Lurky? - Darren.
Oh! Can you just imagine them two down in London, Dave, eh? A couple of little old rent boys.
Dad! Don't say that.
You're always horrible to our Antony.
It's just not fair.
What's up with you? Well, he is my brother.
I'd hate anything bad to happen to him in London.
(Barbara) Ooh, Denise.
Aww.
That's lovely.
What a lovely thing to say, Denise.
Ooh.
I'm proud of you.
Mmm.
Hey, Ant.
Aah.
Mm.
(Jim) You you take care of yourself, Antony.
You look after yourself in London, son.
Your not a bad lad, really.
Hey, and if there is any trouble, you just call home, all right? And they'll have me and Dave to answer to.
- Isn't that right, Dave? - Yeah.
We'll look after you, Ant.
Don't you worry, lad.
- Ta.
- (Woman) job isn't over.
He's got to chat up the guests between courses.
(Man) It's become problem.
Some mornings we do in two hours.
If they turn out right, it's good.
But you have to turn them often.
How long do you have the chicken? It's a little delicate.
Oh.
Hm.
- Mm.
very good quality of food.
And they are very happy, and that's the most important thing.
(Sighs) (Woman) We're actually showing you the shorts, but you can in fact get trousers and skirts.
(Sighs) Not Halloween, is it? (Sighs) - Hm.
- Anything doing, Mam? No, nothing.
(Norma sighs) How long have I been upstairs this time, trying, Barbara? - Oh, about 40 minutes, Mam.
- Oh.
I used to be as regular as clockwork.
But since Elsie passed on - Oh, I'm all bunged up.
- Aww.
(Jim) Wish your bloody mouth was bunged up.
Where's Baby David, Denise? Oh, I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, he's upstairs, irt he? - Yeah, he's upstairs.
- (Norma) Is he all right up there, Denise? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Hey, Nana, guess what? - What? - You know our Antony? - Yeah.
- He's going down London next week.
Is he, love? Are you, Antony? - Yeah, I am, yeah.
- Oh.
Wait, where's my handbag? (Norma) Ooh.
(Man) We're a bit up and down with the staffing levels Sometimes it was round about 40, and we don't appear to have enough, above 40.
There you are.
That's £3, Antony.
For London.
That's from your old nana! Aww! - Thanks, Nana.
- It's all right, love.
(Man) Polishing up the chrome.
Very meticulous.
- Aww! - (Woman) managerial.
Tonight, he's making a clean sweep of the escalators.
Oh, Elsie's daughter Marian went to London to see something.
- Oh.
- What was it, Barbara? - Was it Cats? - No, it was a musical.
I know they stopped at an hotel.
Now, I don't know what it was called or where it was.
But I do know that every night, they had a mint chocolate put on their pillow.
- Ooh.
- What do you think to that, Barbara? Oh, that's lovely, that, Mam.
Denise, Denise.
Elsie's daughter Marian and her husband went to London and they stopped in an hotel.
And every night, they had a mint chocolate put on their pillow.
(Laughs) Before they went to bed! Now, what do you think of that? Oh, I don't know, Nana.
Why do they do that, Barbara? I don't know, Mam, I've never been to London.
Ooh.
Why do they do that, Denise? I don't know, Nana.
Cheryl would like that, wouldn't she? A mint chocolate on her pillow every night.
She'd like a bloody chocolate bloody pillow, would Cheryl.
Hee-hee.
He's the coach driver who claimed to be able to find anything at Shopping City.
Well, it's time to catch up with him as he attempts to find six items for customers back in North Wales.
I'll have a go in The Pier first, see if I can get me plate and me glass.
I've been there before.
Not for a request, just to have a look around.
They seem very helpful.
I was on a mission then, though.
They're near enough, but not quite.
So what I may do is, if I'll bear it in mind.
I won't get nothing today.
Here, look, that's not too bad.
What I'm thinking is, at that price, I might be able to get six.
And swap the whole set.
Right.
Seen the Wedgwood counter there.
They can't help me with the glass.
Royal Doulton can't, and Er Debenams' own.
But they said try Selfridges, so that's my next stop.
So I got one maybe and another one on the hit list.
- (Narrator) No luck in there, then, Les.
- Right.
- I've been told again, without the name - (Jim growling) I can't I'll have to get something.
So I'm heading down that way.
Hopefully we'll pass the HMVstore.
This tape I'm after, Johnny Prestors Running Bird, the DJ that's asked is a friend.
The DJs must get together.
And he just said to "I've tried to get this Johnny Preston, Running Bird, on CD.
" He couldn't get it.
He said, "You won't get that.
" He said, "I know a man who can.
" Well, I'm not on a very good day at the moment.
Though it's it's still on order.
He said it was going to be a week a week to ten days.
It's on order, it's been ordered, it still hasn't come in yet.
So it'll be the next hit when I come here.
(Narrator) One last try for the glass, then, Les.
I'm trying to find a glass.
Have you got anything like that? - Any luck? - No.
- I'm getting disheartened now.
- Aww.
That's all me shops, now.
Er I'll go and see if me watch has been done.
I'll get me watch back.
At least I'll have managed to get something today.
(Narrator) Oh, well.
Four hours later and still no success.
Will Les ever manage to reduce his hit or should that be missed list? - (Dave chuckling) - (Les) Right.
OK, thank you.
That's one out of three.
I've got one other to go.
I forgot me trousers for me wife.
Just egg and chips tonight, Mam.
Is that all right? Ooh, lovely.
Are Denise and Dave stopping? - Yeah.
- Mm.
We'll just have it on our knees, shall we? - Save the bother of laying the table.
- (AIl) Yeah.
(Narrator) He's got his wife's trousers, at least.
(Les) I'm happy now, I've got half.
I've got three out of six.
I've got one, two, and the watch is three.
The mission was six.
I've only missed out on three.
So not doing too bad.
I'm pleased with that.
I'm going to see Dr Goddard tomorrow, Barbara.
- Oh, are you, Mam? - Mm.
He's been smashing with me, has Dr Goddard.
Aww.
(Jim) What's his views on euthanasia, Norma? - (Wheezing) Euthanasia! - He's lovely.
He's married to a midwife.
What do you think to that, Barbara? Denise, what do you think to that? Dr Goddard, married to a nurse.
Imagine living next door to them.
Put your mind at rest, wouldn't it? Him a doctor and her a nurse! Not like me, I mean, if anything happened to me at home, there'd be nobody there now Elsie's gone.
Elsie was housebound, Mam.
I know, but she did have a first-aid tin.
Which actually, I've got now.
Hmph.
(Woman) Susan and the staff are entering into the spirit of the occasion.
(Second woman) All the staff are going to be dressed up (Jim) Don't cut the chips that bloody thin! You're not working for McDonald's! Yet.
Ooh, Barbara, I think I might go upstairs and have another try.
I can feel some movement.
- What do you think, Barbara? - Yeah.
- Bloody hellfire.
- What's up with you? I was gonna go.
I've been baking one since she was up there.
- I can't bake it much bloody longer.
- (Denise) Dad! - (Barbara) Jim! - I've been looking forward to this shite.
Dad, you could have kept that to yourself, thank you very much.
Not for much longer, I bloody couldn't.
Barbara, let him go on the toilet if he wants to.
No, Mam, you go on the toilet.
Jim, you can wait.
Barbara, let her go on the toilet.
Barbara, let him go on the toilet.
- Barbara, let her go on the toilet.
- Barbara, let him go on the toilet.
- Let her go on the toilet.
- (Barbara) Jim! All this toilet talk.
We're about to start eating our tea.
Probably a bloody false alarm with her anyway, like it was last time.
I was gonna do you that furniture while I was up there.
- What do you mean? - Do you a couple of stools.
(Woman) storing card and a certificate.
The storing card puts the outfit the doll's wearing in context, it gives the approximate period at which that costume would have been worn.
- (Norma) Ooh, Barbara? - Mm? Did you see that programme last night with that woman in that I like? - What womars that, Mam? - Oh, you know.
Erm Ah, what's she called? Erm She's posh and she talks like this.
(Posh accent) "Hello, Terry Wogan.
How are you?" Who is it, Denise? - No, I don't know who you mean, Nana.
- Oh.
You know, she's, erm she's always got a cigarette in one hand and, er a glass of booze in the other.
(Jim) That's our Denise! - Dad! - No, no, it's not.
No.
(Sighs) What's she called? Erm (Sighs) She made a bra out of a pair of slippers.
That's bloody Joanne Lumley, you bloody old clown, you.
She made a pair of slippers out of a bra on that island.
She didn't make a bra out of her bloody slippers! (Norma, cackling) I got it wrong, didn't I, Barbara? - Yeah! - Bra into slippers, slippers into (Breaks wind) (Man) So a movie star, which is very appealing, and I was able to meet Jears a Frankenstein version - of all my favourite movie stars.
- Er, Barbara, I'll just go up and have another try.
I put them all together, and I wanted a persona that would imply a lot of different actresses.
So depending on her hair colour and costume, people would sort of see (Roars of laughter) Good old Norma! # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #