Tripping the Rift s03e05 Episode Script

(theme music playing) (vacuum whirring) (hairdryer whirring) (alarm wails) Hey, Six, come here and twiddle my knobs.
Man: Let me make one thing clear, Nurse.
I never asked you to sleep with me.
I just asked you to breakfast.
Now do you want me to call you or just nudge you first thing in the morning? I wouldn't kick that McDreamy out of bed for eating crackers.
You wouldn't have to.
He'd be too busy bent over the toilet puking out his guts.
Okay, McQueenie and McHaggie, playtime's over.
The big game is on.
You're such a McAsswipe.
We interrupt this program to bring you a special broadcast.
Chuckles Bobo, long since retired leader of the Dark Clowns, was reportedly found dead in his condo at the Eagle Nebula Home for the Aged early this morning.
Chuckles's grandson Darph Bobo is apparently en route to San Hopkins General - to identify the body.
- Do you believe this, Chode? I know! They interrupted the big game for this crap.
(groans) - (gasps, crying) - Yes, that's him.
What was the cause of death, Doctor? We won't know until after an autopsy is performed, but there is something I'd like you to take a look at.
- (farts) - Huh? I should have warned you.
It's common for bodies to release gasses after death.
We discovered this document near your grandfather's remains.
I assume he meant for you to have it.
- (farts) - Can we continue this outside? My eyes are beginning to water.
Of course.
Well, are you gonna tell me what it says or do I have to beat it out of you? It says my grandfather has a 10-million-kronig life insurance policy, listing me as a beneficiary.
Ka-ching! Have some sensitivity, will you? There's a catch.
We only get the money if Chode's grandfather Benito gives the eulogy at the funeral.
Chode! If it ain't him causing me grief, it's his retarded relatives.
- They're nothing but a pain in the - (farts) Okay, you got me.
I had Mexican for lunch.
Now (sighs) Will you tell me why the hell we have to send the Bobos flowers? Because it's the right thing to do.
- Fine.
Here's one.
- What's that? The Cheap-Me bouquet? I think it's very tasteful.
It's two carnations in a bowl of whipped cream.
Exactly.
Tasteful and delicious.
No, it's not.
It's tacky.
You can't send that.
Oh, no? Watch me.
- Uncle Chode, Darph's on the line.
- Wow, that was fast.
He's probably offended.
I hope so.
Pull him up.
(blubbering) Bobo, didn't you like the flowers? It's not that.
Give me a minute.
He's a mess, Chode.
Say something kind.
Offer your condolences.
(grumbles) All right.
Darph, sorry to hear about your grandfather dropping dead on you.
That's gotta suck hard.
Remind me to send that little ditty over to the folks at Hallmark.
Yeah, well, Darph.
Whatever we can do to help you in your hour of need, - just name it.
- There is something.
The late Chuckles requested your grandfather eulogize him at his funeral.
Except that.
Come on, our grandfathers hated one another, remember? All Chuckles used to do was wave his fist at my granddad and say, "You'll rue the day!" I don't give a rat's ass! Chuckles is gone, and I have to respect his wishes! - You might, but I don't.
- Chode, please.
Go ahead.
Play the my-granddaddy- was-found-dead-and-rotting card, why don't you? See if I care.
Chode, I think you should talk to Benito.
Or the next time you see this, you'll be wearing bifocals.
Let me talk to my grandfather.
See what I can do.
Thank you, Chode.
You have no idea what this Yeah yeah, just stop crying.
Your mascara's starting to run.
(cries) (laughs maniacally) So you want me to try to get Benito on the blower? What the hell? I just don't get why Chuckles would want him at his funeral in the first place.
Maybe it's about closure.
If he couldn't find it in life, then maybe in death.
I suppose anything's possible.
I mean, something had to screw something to come up with you, right? Speaking of death Come on, Chode.
There had to be happier times when your grandfather and Chuckles got along.
I do remember a Christmas morning when I was just a little kid.
That's what I call a Christmas gift that keeps on giving blowjob after blowjob after blowjob.
She doesn't even need batteries.
Computer: Two beaming aboard, Captain.
How about getting your ass down to the transporter room and showing our guests up? I'm busy over here.
You want your eggnog or not? Chuckles and Bobo: #Silent night # #Holy night.
# Chuckles: Hey, you gonna let us in or not? (groans) Hello, Chuckles.
Hello, Benito.
- Go play with Chode.
- Oh! What's this? You didn't think I'd forget, did you? Merry Christmas! A CD Player 2000! Oh, very generous! - Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Just don't ask me for a gift receipt.
So what did you get me? Oh, right, yeah.
Go get Chuckles's present from under the tree.
Can't you see I've got my hands full? Never mind, I'll get it.
Oh, what can it be? It's so big! No, it's just the right size.
A fondue set! How did you know I was thinking of taking a cooking course - down at the Learning Annex? - Lucky guess.
You must have remembered I have French on my mother's side.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Or the fact that I've always been a slave to the gadget of the moment.
Robot: Want to know the real reason? Look at the card.
How dare you regift me! Look, if you're not happy, I'll let you trade it for the bottle of Old Spice I got from the grandson.
Benito McBlob, I swear by all that is evil you will Rue the day.
Stupid always ended up saying that.
Uncle Chode, I got Benito.
Oh, dear, I wonder how Benito's going to take the news of Chuckles's death.
There's no telling.
Death can bring out all sorts of emotions in people denial, anger, depression.
- (conga music playing) - (vocalizing) T'nuk: Euphoria? Darph: What do you mean he's not coming? I tried, Darph.
Honestly, I did.
Maybe you didn't try hard enough.
What did he say when you asked him? He said he'd rather sit through a Ben Affleck film retrospective.
But he did leave me this note and said you could pin it on Chuckles if you want.
I see.
In that case, you give me no choice but to turn things over to Bernice.
Listen carefully, you purple polka-dotted pencil, you will find a way to get that no good pea-brained grandfather of yours to Chuckles's funeral tomorrow.
- Or else what? - Or else I will make it my life's mission to hunt your pathetic ass down and make sure every second of whatever time you have left of that self-abusive, nauseating nightmare you call a life will be a painful, gut-churning hell! Trust me, Chode.
She knows what she's talking about.
Screw with me, Chode, and I'll be so deep up your ass, you'll need a colonoscopy to see what I'm up to.
Well, that went about as smooth as the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer.
- Do you think she's bluffing? - Well, you're the royal bitch expert around here.
What do you think? You're a dead blob walking.
Chode, we have to go talk to your grandfather face to face, appeal to his conscience.
Number one, having a conscience doesn't run in our family.
And two, I'm not gonna visit that nearly-dead shed any more than I have to.
Old people freak me out.
But you heard Bernice.
You've got no choice.
(sighs) Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Bob, fire up the transporters.
Chode, I'm proud of you.
Besides, he turns 109 next week.
This'll count for his birthday visit.
Imported calla lilies, two dozen white doves, a gold-encrusted coffin capsule?! We're getting bled dry here.
If I hadn't followed the instructions in Chuckles's last will and testament word for word, we'd have ended up with bupkis.
Aggh! He screwed us in life and now he's screwing us in death! - ("Pop Goes the Weasel" playing) Chuckles's favorite song.
What a terrible piece of Oh! Hmm.
(laughs) Very funny.
You always said leave 'em laughing, you old bastard.
Chuckles: Hey, show a little respect, you punk! Sorry, Granddad, but l Huh? What? (screams) (stammers) Relax, dummy.
It's just a dummy.
But when? Who? How? All it took was a mannequin, a makeup artist, a bribe for the pathologist and voilà! Will you tell me what the hell is going on here?! A little thing I like to call payback.
- (laughs maniacally) - Huh? I faked my death in order to get Benito, and because it's vital that everybody believes I am dead, I decided not to tell you.
- Why not? - Because you keep a secret like a cow with stomach flu keeps a turd.
And now Benito will finally rue the day! Sweet! Any chance you can rue Chode at the same time? Hmm, a double rue.
Yeah, sure.
Why not? Splendid! And you're picking up the tab for all this, right? Yes.
Grandpa, this is your last chance to forgive and forget.
Do you really wanna go through life with a giant regret? I live with arthritis, a weak bladder and limp noodle.
What's a giant regret? - Really? - Yeah, regret doesn't affect me.
I'm talking about your noodle.
Maybe you just haven't met the right woman.
You couldn't give him a stiffy with two small sticks and a roll of duct tape.
People, can we focus here? Chode's right.
We need Benito to realize it's best to let bygones be bygones, to close the book on all the bad blood.
Perhaps if we examine how all this got started in the first place.
Hmm, well, I'll tell you how.
We were stationed together in the big war; Set out on a reconnaissance mission through enemy territory.
Neither of us had any idea - if we were gonna make it out alive.
- (bombs exploding) We went as far as we could at night then set up camp until morning.
Benito, you're gonna get soaked out there.
Where's your tent? I traded it for a pack of cigarettes and some nylons.
Idiot.
Get in here before you catch your death of cold.
- (loud explosion) - Both: Ah! Do you think we're gonna die here? Eh, who knows? There's no telling what tomorrow's gonna bring.
That's why I say live every day like it's your last.
Try new things before it's too late.
That makes a lot of sense.
Well, good night.
Night.
Chuckles, you're elbow is sticking me in my back.
That's not my elbow.
Oh.
And that was my tour of duty on the Battle of Bareback Planet.
I feel your pain, Benito.
The same thing happened to me once in Scouts, then twice as an altar boy.
College, of course, was a completely different story.
You know, considering his name was Chuckles, I can't remember a single time I saw that clown smile.
Maybe you never gave him a reason to.
It sounds to me you always made Chuckles the butt of your jokes.
She said butt.
(both laugh) I guess the apple didn't fall so far away from the tree.
It wasn't just pranks and tomfoolery.
That clown had it in for me.
Now Chode knows the story about how I had to rescue his grandmother.
You're not still gnawing on that old bone.
Old bone, old schmone.
I could have died.
- What happened? - Chuckles had my sweet Mildred in his evil clutches.
I finally managed to find her and was leading her towards an escape shuttle.
Mildred, I want you to get in the shuttle and get out of here.
- But you can't - Please, don't argue.
I have to stay here.
I have a score to settle with Chuckles.
(smooches) Oh, and when you get home, let the dog out.
Very noble, Benito, but that act of gallantry has just cost you your life.
- (gasps) Hold on.
- (squeaking) That's better.
(laughing maniacally) (screams) - (honks) - You always said you wanted one that touched the ground.
(laughs) I swear by all that's evil, before I take my final breath, you will rue the day! But first, I gotta see if I can have this sewn back on.
- (all gasp) - You mean you cut off his meat - and potatoes? - There was more potatoes than meat, but yeah, and that was the last time we ever spoke.
Benito, this may not be a McBlob tradition, but maybe it's time to forgive and forget and pay your respects at Chuckles's funeral.
No way, and there's nothing any of you can say to change my mind.
- What if I gave you 500 kronigs? - Deal.
There's one tradition safely upheld.
Every McBlob has his price.
Some cheaper than others.
Okay, Bobo, Grandpa has agreed to give a eulogy at Chuckles's funeral and promises to say nothing but nice things.
- Right? - Uh yeah.
So expect it to be short and pithy.
- Splendid.
- Not so fast.
You have to get the Wicked Witch of the West to lift her vendetta against me first.
Chode, she's standing - right next to me.
- (growls) - Oh, yeah.
- Tell you what, Chode: If you show up with your granddad, Bernice will back off.
Yeah, I guess.
There'll be plenty of other opportunities to him up sooner or later.
Thanks, Bernice, you're all heart.
See you tomorrow.
Chuckles: And tomorrow won't come fast enough - for me.
- (screams) You know, I never get sick of that.
Chode: Grandpa, why aren't you dressed? The funeral's in 10 minutes.
I've decided I'm not going.
I couldn't sleep the whole night.
- Overactive bladder? - Yeah, but there's something else.
You got cold feet? Yeah, but that's just my poor circulation.
Look, I've got a really bad feeling about this funeral.
I can't believe Chuckles would want me there after everything we went through.
It doesn't add up.
Come to think of it, something does stink to high heaven.
Don't tell me you're believing his nonsense.
No! Can't anyone else smell it? - (all sniffing) - Yeah.
A little like the Thai food we ordered in last night.
Excuse me while I check my adult undergarment.
- Now what are we gonna do? - Hmm.
I don't see Benito anywhere.
Relax.
He'll be here.
By the way, black really is your color.
Shut your trap! Gus, I have to say, you really are a magician with makeup.
Guess all that practice in the mirror finally paid off.
Hmm.
I don't believe I'm saying this, but Chode and Benito really could pass for twins.
Hmm, something's not right.
Here's that can of That Old Man Smell you asked me for.
- Perfect.
- Forget that, time's a-wastin' Whip, you stay here and keep the old fella company.
We've got a funeral to go to.
Darph, that son of a bitch isn't gonna show.
The vendetta's back on! How you doing, kiddo? Sorry we're late.
Traffic was a real cluster That's okay, Benito.
I'm just glad you made it.
Where's Chode? Right behind us.
He wouldn't miss this for the world.
Can we get this show on the road? I got a brit malah in half an hour and we're already running late on the Saperstein funeral.
- We can't get the coffin lid shut.
- How come? Seems Saperstein died with a massive boner.
Quite a turnout, Darph.
I'm sure you're granddaddy is smiling down at us right now.
Oh, I know he is.
Benito, I think your instincts were right.
That lifescan on Chuckles you asked me for, it turns out he's still reporting a life signal, and it's coming from the funeral.
I knew that pasty-faced bastard was up to no good.
Okay, we're gonna have to move fast.
Whip, my boy, we've got a funeral to crash.
And now here to say a few words about our friend Chuckles Schlomo Bobo is his former arch-nemesis Benito McBlob.
Do you have a speech prepared? No, I figure I'll just sort of vamp it.
(feedback) Wow, I have to tell you I feel about as comfortable here today as Mel Gibson at a Passover Seder.
(man coughs) But what can I say about Chuckles that hasn't already been said? An evil leader, sure, but with a heart of gold.
Chuckles was the first proponent to forge a health plan for henchmen.
That's right, and I'm not just talking medical, either.
A full dental plan and vacation for even part-time employees.
(crowd cheering) - (gasps) - What the f hey? What the hell are you doing here, old man? I'm killing 'em.
You'd better get down now or you're going to be the one killed.
- This is all a trap.
- (screams) - (gunfire) - The shots are coming from up there.
No, schleprock.
Nice try wonder.
Which one of us is real? Hey, butt raisin, how's the weather up there? - (Chuckles growling) - (all screaming) No, please, I can't die like this.
Come on, Chode.
We have to get out of here.
(screams) (grunts) Oh my God! He's really dead.
You think this means we're not getting an invite back to Bobo's ship for the post-funeral spread? Ohhh! Sometimes tells me he's a little pissed.
- You think? - Chuckles is truly gone forever, leaving me, his heir apparent, to carry on his legacy.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Chode, I vow by all that is evil, you will rue the day! But not today.
Whip, get us the hell out of here.
There's gonna be some ruing going on today.
Just wait until I get your sorry white ass home! All right, all right, you were right all along.
Just stop saying "I told you so.
" I hate to admit it, but part of me is gonna miss that bastard Chuckles.
Like I said, death can bring out all sorts of emotions.
It's not that.
Getting down and dirty with him suddenly made me feel alive again.
Don't get used to it, old man.
Stick with the battles on bingo night at the retirement home, capisce? Capisce.
Well, thank Christ that's all over.
- Bob, full speed ahead.
- Wait, where's T'nuk? - Where've you been? - I crashed the Saperstein funeral and got a little action.
Really? You found yourself a live one? Well, not exactly.
Are you telling me you did the nasty with Saperstein? The fact that he wasn't technically alive doesn't make him any less sensitive a lover.
- Oh my God.
- Oh, that's just wrong.
What? You know how hard it is for me to resist a man in a suit.
(theme music playing)