Undateable (2014) s03e05 Episode Script

[Spooky Music.]
Hey! There he is.
My BF.
Come join my GF and my other BF.
Oh, that better not mean "Black Friend".
First ever pumpkin that Candace and I carved.
We're gonna put a bad toupee on him and call him "Donald Trump-kin" It's not gonna work, it is not orange enough.
Shel, what are you making? Same thing I'm making every year Danny: pumpkin bong.
Would you look at how cute my girl looks in this outfit.
I am a pizza rat.
- Where is the pizza? - Mo! Come here! The pizza Mo.
Good boy.
Well, if that dog is gonna be pizza tonight, you might want to keep him away from me once I spark up this pumpkin.
Yeah, I think I'll get my tail and then I will head out.
Hahaha, god, I am crazy about her.
Crazy.
Danny, you've got to make sure and let me know if I screw any of this up.
Okay? I just hope she knows I am always thinking about her.
I am always thinking about you! Hey, you're screwing this up.
Okay? You have got to drop the romantic act, alright? It's just too much.
It's much easier to scare a girl away.
All you've got to do is dance like Drake Why did he do that? Why did he do that? Danny, Danny, Danny, you beautiful weird looking bastard.
There is no such thing as too romantic.
I am heading out to meet you at the bar.
Okay, ding, ding, ding! Forgot to pay the hug toll - I forgot to pay for it.
- What is hell is a hug toll? Well, funny you should ask.
It's actually this really cute thing that Justin been doing every time I leave.
I have to pay a hug toll.
Haha.
- Here we go.
- Here we go Hahaha Oh! Bing, bing, bing! Rush hour.
You know what that means.
The hug toll doubles! - One more.
- Great! Super - Just one.
Whee! Hey look at that Oh, no.
Oh, gosh.
Ahhh! Have you? Ohhhh! My penis just jumped off my body and ran away.
Well, mine wanted to leave but it was afraid it would have to pay the hug toll.
_ - Iceberg dead ahead! - Oh my god! Captain of the Titanic! - I love that movie! - I've got to say, that is much better than the year you went as a ghost with a boner.
No, I went as a ghost and then I met someone.
- Bursk, what are you? - I'm Jewish Wolverine.
He's like a regular Wolverine but with some stomach issues Incidentally, got a little arthritis in my left elbow.
Doctor says he is playing basketball too much.
I have been more aggressive recently, but I just don't know what is wrong with my back.
Les, I'm sorry.
I don't get your costume.
Oh wait, are you a lesbian librarian? I haven't put my costume on yet.
These are just my real clothes.
I should go.
Oh man, thank god I made it.
There was a horny police horse following me for like three blocks.
Okay, do you want a beer? That means yes.
Well Candace and I are going to do a couple costume.
She's going to be Goldilocks and I am going to be the bear that's "just right".
Roar, roar, roar! Rooooaaaaar!!! Uh oh, looks like you agitated that Centaur.
Shhh, Shhh, easy, boy, easy.
Eat it all then, keep eating it There are carrots here? Anyway Hey man, we have all been talking okay? And you are way too romantic with Way too romantic with Candace.
Yeah, we are just worried the relationship is still so new, and you know, we just don't want you to screw it up Yeah drunk Leslie is right, dude - That's redundant.
- It took me two years to tell my college girlfriend that I didn't like that she was female.
You gotta be careful, bub-ala.
I'm uh, Jewish Wolverine.
That is a way to ruin the relationship.
Dude, you need to tone it down.
Okay? - Tone it down? Hahahaha - Yeah No can do, Danny.
You see, romance with me takes Cross-fit because it's getting toned up! Candace loves it! No she doesn't dude.
I can prove it to you.
Here, back up.
Come on! back up, over here.
Sit tight.
What? Bam! Hey Candace, since Justin's not in the bar at all come over here, I want to talk to you Have a seat.
You know, uhhh, You know how Justin's been really overly romantic lately.
Uhhh, does that bother you at all? No.
Hahaha, I love it.
I think it is great.
I mean Yes! He has been doing a lot of stuff lately, like the hug toll and the butterfly kisses and cutting all my food into hearts.
Even though, he's well aware that I like the crust on my sandwiches.
Yeah, sure, it is very difficult to sleep when he is constantly rubbing my back and whispering in my ear: "I'm right here".
- No, no, it is great.
Yeah.
- Yeah, your voice says one thing, but your eyes say another.
Look deep into my amulet.
Let the truth free.
[Eastern sounding gibberish chant.]
Ok fine! It is too much.
It is driving me crazy.
I feel bad.
I should go tell him.
Calm down.
[continues chant.]
Did everybody else see this or am I just really high right now? Justin, when things calm down in here, a little bit, can we talk about stuff? Yeah, of course, definitely.
Alright, right.
Hey, uh rat! Haha! Well I hope you are happy dude.
Two hours ago I was imagining the kids we were going to have And now, I can't even do that! - You are like a human birth control.
- Dude, you know what? I know you are joking about me being birth control, but guess what? I take that as compliment.
I would be so good being birth control If a woman that I was protecting, didn't want to have children, I would block every one of those single buggers from getting inside the forbidden zone! Get away! Get away! Well, that is not something you see every day.
A shirtless man-horse fighting off imaginary sperm.
Ha, ha, ha! Oh my god! There's 5 million more! Okay, enough, Danny Justin, you can't just be mad at him.
We all did this.
Who the hell are you supposed to be? Sexy Steve Jobs.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
This is a huge opportunity.
Yes, Candace will tell you she doesn't like all the romance.
But, do you guys even know what women think is sexiest thing on earth.
This is just me being optimistic, but is it grown men who are really good at Halo Five? Yeah right dude It is more like grown half men and half horses that can do this.
No, it is being able to communicate honestly with your partner without them getting sulky and insecure about it.
Okay look, when Candace comes to you, whatever she says, you just say: "No problem, I'll work on that" Man, if any guy ever said that to me my pants would immediately be on the floor.
I just Honestly, I don't know if I could handle it I just don't want my feelings hurt.
Oh right, he doesn't want his feelings hurt.
I was just hanging up missing persons flyers for your testicles.
Dude, hey, it is actually so easy.
All you have got to do is put your man armor on.
Nothing gets through.
Watch, we'll practice.
Hey Shelly.
We'll pretend you are my girlfriend.
You say something that you think will criticize me.
I know you are shirtless because you think your body is a 10, but honey, it's an eight.
I don't want to play this game any more.
Listen, I know who I am.
When I go in relationships, I go in guns a-blazin' You know, just: Roses! Poems! Intimacy! Reload.
Compassion! Candles! Candles! Candles! Candles! Candles! Candles! Look, it is just I thought I finally had met someone who finally met someone who liked me for exactly who I am.
You know? But once again, I am just in love with a girl who wants me to be different.
Wait a minute, did you just say you are in love with her? - Uh, it - Justin I have got to go.
Candace Do you really Do you think my body is only an eight? [Doorbell.]
Trick-or-treat! Apples and toothbrushes?! I will burn this place to the ground.
- What do you guys want? - We want you to come back to the bar and get a costume on and come talk to Candace.
- Well, not happening.
- Alright, well guys? We tried.
- Lets leave him be.
- Thank you.
- See you later, Justin.
- Good-bye, Justin.
- Why are you guys moving closer? Seize him! What the hell was that about? Congratulations.
You're a hero now.
You are a relationship hero.
Okay? So, uh, you are super-Justin.
Now all you've got to do is come talk to Candace at the bar.
You probably should do some push ups first though.
Talk to her about what? Huh? Some of the other things she doesn't like about me.
No thanks.
- You're being an idiot.
- It's no problem, I will work on that.
Your pants are supposed to be off.
Ok, so one thing that you do bothers her.
Good couples change for each other! Take it to church.
Yes dude, this doesn't just happen to you.
Leslie is crazy about her boyfriend, but she still spent the whole of yesterday crushing him about the stuff she doesn't - like about him.
- Oh, it wasn't a big deal I just said "Mike, don't call me from the car because you are bored, If you snore you need to take care of that.
If I snore, it's adorable.
Yes, I want takeout, no, I won't pick the place and no, I'm not gonna make the call.
And, it's up to you to make the first move in the bedroom but only do it when I want and I will never tell you when that is.
" If you didn't think that way you would probably be married now.
I'm just saying Hey, dude, are you coming with us or what? Guys, I appreciate this.
I really do but This is my problem with relationships, I go too fast.
I fall in love before they do.
It crumbles.
Honestly, I just don't have it in me tonight.
I am not your hero.
For what it is worth, if your relationship is sinking, then I will by your side.
And I will go down with the ship.
- No? Not the right time.
- Let's just leave, come on guys okay? Look, why do you guys care so much? Look, don't you get it man? We want your relationship to work because Hey, Shelley, will you say the part my body won't allow me to say, please? - You are the best guy we know Justin.
- Yeah, man Dude, if you can't make a relationship work what does that mean for the rest of us? Hey Brett, can I get another beer please? Hi, Pooh-bear.
You got any honey for me? Oh, this sounds like a sexual come on.
Good.
You are a smart bear, too.
I'd like to get my hands stuck in your jar, if you know what I mean.
As long as that doesn't mean butt stuff.
I'm in! Alright, well, I have got to go sing but meet me right after, okay? You know, is there a door over there? Danny, have you seen Justin anywhere? Did I hear someone say "Hey, guys, have you seen Justin?" - Hey! Excuse me.
- Oh! Ma'am, I believe you wanted to talk to me earlier? Uh, yes! Okay, so you know I really appreciate like all of the romantic things you do for me.
They are so sweet.
Sometimes it is like a little bit much.
Thank you.
I will work on that.
Really? Hahaha, I thought you were going to freak.
Me? Come on.
Freak? I am a man.
I don't freak.
- Anything else? - Yeah, actually since you mention it, there are a couple things.
I don't like that you sleep with your socks on.
Also, when we kiss and you keep your eyes open, it is kinda creepy.
And then, also, I don't like how you say "Marrrrio Lopez", because you are not Hispanic.
- No problem.
I will work on that.
- Thanks! - Oh and, one more thing.
- Oh, good.
Uhhhh, this ones' kinda hard to say.
I don't know if I can do it.
Ummm, okay, so you know how you like you took all of the stuff I just - said really well? - Hit me, I can take it.
Um, I love that and, I love you.
I love you, too.
That is so sweet that Justin finally found a girl for him but when will I ever find a girl for me? No way!