Upper Middle Bogan (2013) s03e05 Episode Script
Sticking to Your Principals
1 Come on home Comin' home, baby, now You know I'm waitin' here for you I'm comin' home now, real soon You've been gone Comin' home, baby, now You don't know what I'm goin' through I'm comin' home I know I'm overdue - Since you went away - Expect me any day now Real soon I'm comin' home and never more to roam - Baby, tell me you're - Baby, I'm for sure Coming home (TYRES SKID) It's just me! There was a gas leak in the building, which I'm pretty sure is just that new guy Brian and his lentil salads, but we all got sent home a bit early.
- Where are you? - Shawn: I'm at home.
- Are you? - Yep, doin' homework.
Smashing out some maths.
How's work going? Oh, crap.
Smashing out some maths, were you? What kind of maths was it? If one idiot gets together with another idiot and they drive for half a day in a shitbox, how many hours of his future has the first idiot thrown away? - What is she doing back in town? - You mean Ashley? Did she run out of vegetables to cuddle? - She came to see me.
- She doesn't get to see you Can I have a drink, please? - when you are supposed to be at school.
- Seriously, I'm thirsty.
Tell her to come back in two years when you're finished.
I'm finished now.
I'm dropping out.
(SCOFFS) I beg your pardon? For a while.
I'm taking a gap year.
- You're in year 11.
- Ashley and I are going to India.
I'm going to the Maldives with the Clooneys.
We can all catch up.
- I'm not joking.
- This is Oh, okay, is Kayne in here filming this somewhere? I'm leaving school.
You are not leaving school, Shawn.
(VOLUME INCREASES) So, we can use the patellar tendon for the autograft and the tissue we'd then run through the bones to perform the new ACL.
Whoa, whoa, Doc, I don't think we need to hear about bones and tissues, do we? Well, if your wife is going to have a new knee, then, yes, we do.
We couldn't just try some more cortisone injections, could we? It's a complete tear now.
I don't want to tell you how you do your job, Dr Larsen, but look here.
I can't see a tear in the knee.
That's because it's a hip, which belongs to my last patient.
Wayne, put the texta down.
Sorry.
Now, my waiting list is fairly long.
Oh, I don't mind.
I've got to wait to get through the Winter Nats anyway.
- The Winter Nats? - The Winter Nationals.
It's the biggest date on the racing calendar and Jules is Oh, no.
Until you have this operation, you can't race.
This won't rub out.
- Was that a, um - Yes, it was a permanent marker.
Permanent marker.
I'll just leave that Danny: Oscar, Eddi, dinner.
Whoa.
This expedition to Cradle Mountain sounds gruelling.
- It's not compulsory, is it? - Should be.
Well, I don't want Oscar and Edwina doing this.
Can you imagine if they dragged all those entitled Throssington brats into the wilderness for 10 days? But our kids aren't entitled brats.
No, no, no, we've been through this.
Our kids are perfect.
Shawn's dropping out of school.
- Can I drop out of school? - He's going travelling.
- Can I go travelling? - With his girlfriend.
Can I get a Oh, no.
Oh, that's terrible.
Amber will be very upset.
She's gone mental.
He's such an idiot and I know it's harder for him, but still.
Why's it harder for him? Because he has to work harder.
Because he's not as smart as we are? No, because he doesn't get the opportunity handed to him like we do.
What opportunity? At our school.
The extra teachers, the beautiful classrooms, the swimming pool.
The state-of-the-art cinema.
The trips to Europe and China.
- The boats.
- The biomedical research lab.
The fees that could buy a Pacific island.
(SIGHS) Cradle Mountain.
Yep, give me the permission slip, I'll fill it out.
Come on.
Now, this'll cheer you up, Mum! How do you get the duck inside the chicken? It's chicken inside duck.
Inside turkey.
- Tell Nan and Pop.
- Are you guys here for turducken? He wants to drop out of school.
- Not drop out.
Take a gap year.
- A gap year? Like Hamish and Andy.
That looked like fun.
What was the one with the monkey and the beer on the Amber: It's not fucking fun, Dad.
He wants to go to India with a girlfriend.
Ashley.
I'm so sick of school, Nan.
I want to learn about the real world.
And who's going to pay for you in the real world when you're laid out in a Mumbai hostel with giardia? - Ashley.
- Sit down, sweetie.
Sit down.
Do you want some, uh - Turducken? - It is massive in America.
I'm not eating meat at the moment.
That is so rude.
This took us ages.
Babe, let's get plates.
Listen, Shawny, I know you want a break from school, I do.
But we don't want you to go to India.
We want you to stay here - and drive in the Winter Nats for us.
- What? You got my text from the doctor.
I can't race.
Shawn can't either.
Well, it's only a couple of weeks.
- He has exams! - I'm happy to home-school.
- Shawn: No! - Wayne: What about Nan? I'm not racing.
I'm leaving school and I'm going to India.
Congratulations.
Grandparents of the year.
- I thought I was helping us all out.
- Yeah, right.
What about me? Oh, you can have the other turkey leg, mate.
I want to step up to race.
I know the Janice better than anyone.
I know her inside out.
I can do this.
You didn't want to race in the juniors.
Yes, I did.
But I didn't get a chance because I was the only one who could mechanically service Mum's car and Brianna's car in the juniors and Shawn's car in the junior juniors.
I'm not sure.
Well, we won't be sure unless we give it a go, will we? So, come on.
Let's give it a go.
Yes.
Yes! Amber: (KNOCKS) Mr Janko.
Sorry, there was no one out the front so I just came back Sharon! Edina! - Lexie! - I'm Amber Wheeler.
Sorry, you need to make an appointment to see me.
- I can see you now.
- Oh, I'm busy now.
You looked busy, out the window.
You've got a couple of minutes.
I want to talk to you about my son, Shawn Van Winkle.
He wants to drop out of school.
And what do you want me to do about that? Gee, I don't know, I just thought you being the principal and all Oh, yep, no worries, I'll just, um, put that on my principal pad and I'll use my principal pen, add that to my list of principal things to do, just under rebuild the back fence of the oval, that's burnt to the ground twice this year.
Fix the leaky roofs of 6 of the 14 portable classrooms.
Had them for 11 years.
Temporary, they were.
Launch an investigation into the missing drum kit.
That's three stolen this term.
And arrange counselling for nine of our staff members that are currently on light library duty due to stress.
We don't have a library.
But, listen, just at the bottom here, I'll add, "Get Shawn to stay in school.
" There you go.
What are you doing with my stapler? - And my pot plant? - My taxes pay for this shithole.
You're not educating my son, I want something for my money.
The fish rots from the head, by the way.
(GROANS) - You right, mate? - Love it.
Love it.
So good to be out here.
What are you doing? - Getting in the zone.
- Julie: Good boy.
Wayne: I don't think he's ready for this.
Julie: Babe, we've got six weeks until the Winter Nats.
I mean, I don't think he's ready up here.
No, no, no, he's just told you, he's getting in the zone.
What, for an MMA tournament? What do you want us to do, drop out of the comp? No, of course not.
Then stop being so negative.
Whoa, here we go.
- What's Tony doing here? - Surprise! Tony has become a Top Fuel instructor.
He's bought his dual cab so you can ride shotgun a couple of times.
That'll get you in the zone.
Awesome.
- Tony: Whoa! - (JULIE LAUGHS) - There he is.
- Tony.
- There she is.
- How are you? I'm good.
I'm good.
Yeah.
There's Wayne.
Uh, no? This one says zero degrees.
I think we'll need something warmer.
The checklist says that zero degrees is fine.
It's Cradle Mountain.
It'll be freezing.
What about backpacks? Yes, I'm checking them out.
Uh-uh-uh! No, no, no.
Oh, does it say anything about a tent? No? - No tent.
- That's a shame.
They've got some great tents for subzero here.
Oscar! I'll call you back.
Okay, bye.
The school supplies tents and we already have backpacks.
We just want Oscar to be comfortable.
If you want him to be comfortable, why are you sending him off like Bear Grylls having to drink his own urine? That's not on the checklist.
- We don't want him to feel entitled.
- Why not? My grandfather worked very hard so we could all feel entitled.
Nanny Margaret, Oscar has no idea how lucky he is.
Oscar has no idea about anything and that won't change if he spends 10 days defecating in the snow.
You have to stop watching the Discovery Channel.
He has to realise that not everything is handed to him on a platter.
Oh, I wonder if Danny got him hiking boots.
He has hiking boots.
Hm? Oh, the old ones are so dirty.
Because they're hiking boots.
Yeah, no, you're right.
That is true.
You're telling Dad to get new ones, aren't you? Nope.
The old ones' laces are really frayed.
So, riding in the front with Tony will be the perfect way to ease into it.
Absolutely no pressure.
Kayne! Speak to me! Um, hi, Tony.
Starting line.
Arms outstretched.
Look at the Christmas tree.
Amber lights, 0.
4 of a second later, what happens? - We turn.
- Too slow! Green light.
Did you release the handbrake 100th of a second beforehand? - Yes.
- Then go! Four G-forces at that start line.
Who else feels that, Kayne? - I - An astronaut! 0.
8 of a second, how fast are you going? - About - Wrong! 160km/h! Accelerate.
Accelerate! 2.
2 seconds, how fast you going now, Kayne? - F - 320km/h.
Do you feel it? 10,000 horsepower, surging through your bones! Four-second mark, put on the brake, release the chute.
That's eight negative G-forces, Kayne.
Brake's on, chute's out, six seconds, we are done.
- Oh.
- Whoo! - Whoa.
- Whoo! Actually feel like I've been for a run.
Why don't we go and have a coffee and talk about the whole thing - Yeah, come on.
- Just, you know, talk things through.
Maybe just sort of debrief a bit, grab a doughnut.
- Yeah, I know.
- That was a bit full on, wasn't it? (LAUGHS) Racing is a bit full on.
Do you remember the first time he said he wanted to race in the juniors - and he got sick before they - He had too many Chiko Rolls.
(ENGINE ROARS) (TYRES SQUEAL) - What are you doing in my kitchen? - Hey! I'm making tofu balls.
Oh, sorry, I meant get out of my kitchen.
Mum.
Ashley's making dinner.
You've bought beer? I got it from Nan and Pop's.
- For Ashley.
- Thanks, baby.
Tofu ball, Amber? I'm okay.
I'm going to stick a wad of wet tissue inside an egg carton and eat that instead.
Whoa.
Your loss.
Mmm mm.
You guys are really hectic right now.
I'm going to go for a drive to chill.
- I'll come with you.
- Whatevs.
Shawn, you're not going anywhere.
Oh, really? That's funny, because look, here I am, going somewhere.
- Shawn! - Far away from you.
(DOOR SLAMS) Tony: You had your eyes shut the whole time.
Not the whole time.
The GoPro does not lie, mate.
0.
5 seconds, eyes closed.
One second, eyes closed.
1.
5 seconds, eyes still closed.
We get the idea, Tone.
Could you give us a minute? You don't have to do this if you don't want to.
I do want to.
Why didn't you open your eyes, love? - I was visualising.
- He was visualising.
- That's what all the top drivers do.
- It's true, we do.
I saw the whole run from inside my eyes.
Yeah, but we're paying Tone so you can see outside your eyes.
He was very helpful, Dad.
Really? I'm ready to go on my own next time.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I've come for my stapler.
I haven't really.
I don't think I've stapled anything in about three years, actually.
I've come to apologise.
Apparently abusing a parent that comes to you for help is not within the school policy guidelines.
I looked that up this afternoon, so I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- You caught me at a bad ti You caught me at a bad time this morning.
I'm I'm giving up smoking.
That's going well.
It's going very well.
I just wanted you to know that my fish isn't always rotting.
You said the fish rots from the head.
Well, sometimes I run a very happy, healthy fish.
I'm talking about the school, just to be clear.
Listen, I can't look after one kid.
I can't imagine what it's like to look after 800.
1,800.
Bullshit? No wonder it's a mess.
So, here's the thing.
We need Shawn to stay.
We do? I can't lose another good student like Shawn.
He's one of our smartest kids and we lose all the smart ones to the Catholic school, usually.
Why does he want to leave? He wants to go to India.
He's in love.
With an Indian girl? With a vegan.
That's intense.
Mmm.
Tofu ball? Um, no, thank you, I-I just Hate tofu? Yeah.
I'm sorry, I didn't make the connection that you were Shawn's mum.
I mean, you don't look old enough to I was chubby for nine months in high school, let's put it that way.
But I got through it and I got a good job and I want that for Shawn too.
So, you're the primary carer? Pay for everything, yeah.
- What about his father? - He's a dickhead.
Think you could bring him in to see me? Seriously, he's a dickhead.
I'm talking about Shawn.
Do you think you could get him to come in and have a chat? I'm on my way to walk with the girls but I just got FedExed this.
It's just a little something for Oscar's trip.
Aspen, Colorado? They have such lovely skiwear.
You bought him something from the most expensive resort in the world? So, make sure he keeps the labels visible in all the photos! Okay, now, we've got the boots in the right size.
Backpack.
Oh, feel that.
(EXCLAIMS) It is so light.
It's titanium.
It's won all the awards.
Oscar, you won't even know you're wearing that.
Cool.
You do realise Oscar's meant to do the packing himself? It's part of the whole experience.
Honey, it's Oscar.
Oh, and got the bamboo cooking utensils.
Same Japanese website.
Oh, oh, oh, thermals from Denmark, made especially for snowstorms.
He's going to Tasmania, not north of the wall.
Toilet paper in sandwich bags.
Yep, we should take the wrapping off of those.
No, no, I don't think that matters.
Dad just wants everyone to know that he buys recycled toilet paper that gives half its money to charity.
No, I Why are you so grumpy? I'm not grumpy, I'm disgusted.
You have bought every single item on that checklist brand-new.
This trip is meant to be a lesson in entitlement but so far, the only lesson is that you two are enablers of entitlement.
Come on, Little Lord Fauntleroy, we'll miss the bus.
I mean you, Oscar.
- Bye, Mum.
- Bye.
Bye.
- She's right.
- She's 100% right.
- We should send all this back.
- We should.
- We're not going to, are we? - No.
I mean, have you put your hand in there? - No.
It's too hot.
- It's like Well, thank you so much for coming in.
- I'm dropping out of school.
- Totally, I understand.
This is purely a formality for the department.
Need to ask you a few questions in order to technically release you from the school.
So, you're off to India? Where are you going first? - Don't know.
- Oh.
Just gonna work it out as you go along? - Mm-hm.
- Okay, why India? Uh, my girlfriend really wants to go.
Ah, say no more.
The girlfriend.
But I really want to.
You know, India's cool.
Ah, well.
So, Mum's always worked? Yes.
And Dad? Um, Dad's been more of a one-off project based (SCOFFS) I need him to answer these questions uninterrupted.
Um, Dad's never really had a job.
Okay.
So, Mum's always put food on the table, bought your clothes? What's this got to do with me leaving? Bureaucracy, statistics.
How does Mum feel about work? - She hates it.
- I bloody love my job.
She never stops complaining.
- Only because I have to get - Amber.
You can wait outside if you'd prefer.
- Reason for leaving - Travel.
Oh, there's no travel column here.
There is apprenticeship, drugs, failing.
So, what did you put? - Parental issues.
- What? Mum wants me to stay.
I'm leaving because I want to travel.
- And because you're scared.
- Scared? What? I'm the opposite of scared.
I'm going exploring.
Make up a new column for travel.
Oooh, they get really mad if you squiggle extra lines.
- What am I scared of? - Finishing school.
- Being like your mother and father.
- I beg your pardon? One's never worked, the other's always worked, but is always unhappy.
(SCOFFS) Shawn, go and wait in the car.
- No, please stay.
- I said go! - We were just getting somewhere.
- By piling shit on me.
- No.
- So, he's running away because of me? Well, he's chosen a girl with no rules, no responsibility, no meat.
No fucking deodorant.
So, I'd say, yes, his running away has something to do with you.
What makes you think I'm unhappy? You've been a mother since you were at school.
You work your arse off, you are exhausted, lonely and, to top it all off, the boy you're doing it all for is leaving you.
I-I'm sorry, I-I-I didn't mean to make you I just thought you had every reason to be unhappy.
I'm pretty sure that was more unprofessional than smoking.
I'd better go after him.
Yes, yes.
You should.
Sorry.
Nothing happened.
We were just discussing Shawn? Listen, that stuff he was saying, your dad and I haven't always been perfect - and I know I'm a pain in the arse - Ashley doesn't want to go to India.
Oh, where does she want to go? She broke up with me.
She said I'm too full-on.
Too full-on? Where is she? I'll show her fuckin' full-on.
Mum, stop.
Just for once, stop.
Okay, this doesn't have to be fast.
I just want you to concentrate on the moments.
When did Brianna and Younis get here? I asked them to come down to cheer you on.
Um - is everything all right down there? - Yes.
- Hey, driver! - Hi.
We brought the rest of the turducken, bro.
Bit of protein.
Kayne.
What's wrong? Kayne, what's wrong? It's the turducken.
I told you to put more ice bricks in.
You'll be right, mate.
It's probably just a bit of heatstroke.
Heatstroke? Yeah, Kayne gets a bit of heatstroke every now and again.
- Can you sit up, love? - Come on, Kayne, push through it.
Give him a sec.
He's hot.
Well, it's not that hot.
Maybe for you it's not, but Kayne feels the heat.
That's the thing with heatstroke.
It can get you at any time.
You don't expect it, but you've got to talk in front of people, you've got a meeting with a big sponsor or you've gotta to have one of those tests at the hospital where they slide you in the white tunnel.
So no offence, Tone, but piss off.
No worries.
- Throw that out.
- It was chilled.
Bin it now! Deep breaths, love, that's the way.
Brianna.
This is a panic attack, isn't it? - A what? - You have panic attacks.
No, I have heatstroke.
Why haven't I ever heard about this?! It's embarrassing to talk about.
And pooping your pants during an MRI isn't? - I wasn't wearing any pants.
- You told me you ate a dodgy kebab.
(GASPS) The Chiko Rolls when Kayne got sick at the juniors.
I was never sure it was the Chiko Rolls.
I tried to tell you that.
15 years later.
How can I help you if I don't know? You can help by not pushing him to race.
I didn't mean that.
(SIGHS) You're right.
He's not ready.
Yet.
We just have to get him ready in Kayne time.
Arms outstretched.
Feel the car.
0.
8 seconds.
160km/h and go, go, go, go! Julie: That's it, Kayne.
Go, baby! Wayne: Killing it! I think we should ask Tony to drive for us in the Winter Nats.
Already have.
Anything for you, babe.
And you, Wayno.
Feel a bit guilty about buying all that stuff for Oscar.
And packing for him.
Well, he's on his own now.
Yeah, exactly.
And they wouldn't even let me put his backpack on the bus.
He'll have to manage everything by himself.
Exactly.
(PHONE RINGS) So, you're talking to me again? I wanted to say sorry that you broke up with your girlfriend.
- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not.
I think she was really selfish to want you go to India.
Well, I'm not now.
Edwina: I'm glad.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) I'm going to South America.
What? Shawn, that is the stupidest thing I've heard.
In two years.
Sucker.
I'll call you back.
- Mr Janko.
- Hi, Shawn.
I-I'm coming back to school.
I know.
Actually, I'm not here to see you, I'm here to see her.
What? What? Your dinner's in the fridge.
Um M-my life is over.
You know that, right? I got that.
Okay, okay.
I'm dropping out of school again! I promised I would help out at the Mitre 10 sausage sizzle for Shawn's school.
- She's dating someone.
- Shawn! You're dating someone? You have to let me introduce you when I am ready.
Is that Amber? That's right, you said you'd be here today.
You are pathetic.
No, we forgot you'd be here with Who is it again, Shawny? Mr Janko? Who we don't even know is the high school principal.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
Why do you belong on the board of International Women of Medicine? Guess who's been shortlisted for the IWM board? Why do both of our name tags say "mother of Dr Bess Denyer"? Because you are both my mothers.
You didn't mention your upbringing in your interview.
I didn't think that it mattered.
It's hugely significant to have lesbian parents.
(SPITS)
- Where are you? - Shawn: I'm at home.
- Are you? - Yep, doin' homework.
Smashing out some maths.
How's work going? Oh, crap.
Smashing out some maths, were you? What kind of maths was it? If one idiot gets together with another idiot and they drive for half a day in a shitbox, how many hours of his future has the first idiot thrown away? - What is she doing back in town? - You mean Ashley? Did she run out of vegetables to cuddle? - She came to see me.
- She doesn't get to see you Can I have a drink, please? - when you are supposed to be at school.
- Seriously, I'm thirsty.
Tell her to come back in two years when you're finished.
I'm finished now.
I'm dropping out.
(SCOFFS) I beg your pardon? For a while.
I'm taking a gap year.
- You're in year 11.
- Ashley and I are going to India.
I'm going to the Maldives with the Clooneys.
We can all catch up.
- I'm not joking.
- This is Oh, okay, is Kayne in here filming this somewhere? I'm leaving school.
You are not leaving school, Shawn.
(VOLUME INCREASES) So, we can use the patellar tendon for the autograft and the tissue we'd then run through the bones to perform the new ACL.
Whoa, whoa, Doc, I don't think we need to hear about bones and tissues, do we? Well, if your wife is going to have a new knee, then, yes, we do.
We couldn't just try some more cortisone injections, could we? It's a complete tear now.
I don't want to tell you how you do your job, Dr Larsen, but look here.
I can't see a tear in the knee.
That's because it's a hip, which belongs to my last patient.
Wayne, put the texta down.
Sorry.
Now, my waiting list is fairly long.
Oh, I don't mind.
I've got to wait to get through the Winter Nats anyway.
- The Winter Nats? - The Winter Nationals.
It's the biggest date on the racing calendar and Jules is Oh, no.
Until you have this operation, you can't race.
This won't rub out.
- Was that a, um - Yes, it was a permanent marker.
Permanent marker.
I'll just leave that Danny: Oscar, Eddi, dinner.
Whoa.
This expedition to Cradle Mountain sounds gruelling.
- It's not compulsory, is it? - Should be.
Well, I don't want Oscar and Edwina doing this.
Can you imagine if they dragged all those entitled Throssington brats into the wilderness for 10 days? But our kids aren't entitled brats.
No, no, no, we've been through this.
Our kids are perfect.
Shawn's dropping out of school.
- Can I drop out of school? - He's going travelling.
- Can I go travelling? - With his girlfriend.
Can I get a Oh, no.
Oh, that's terrible.
Amber will be very upset.
She's gone mental.
He's such an idiot and I know it's harder for him, but still.
Why's it harder for him? Because he has to work harder.
Because he's not as smart as we are? No, because he doesn't get the opportunity handed to him like we do.
What opportunity? At our school.
The extra teachers, the beautiful classrooms, the swimming pool.
The state-of-the-art cinema.
The trips to Europe and China.
- The boats.
- The biomedical research lab.
The fees that could buy a Pacific island.
(SIGHS) Cradle Mountain.
Yep, give me the permission slip, I'll fill it out.
Come on.
Now, this'll cheer you up, Mum! How do you get the duck inside the chicken? It's chicken inside duck.
Inside turkey.
- Tell Nan and Pop.
- Are you guys here for turducken? He wants to drop out of school.
- Not drop out.
Take a gap year.
- A gap year? Like Hamish and Andy.
That looked like fun.
What was the one with the monkey and the beer on the Amber: It's not fucking fun, Dad.
He wants to go to India with a girlfriend.
Ashley.
I'm so sick of school, Nan.
I want to learn about the real world.
And who's going to pay for you in the real world when you're laid out in a Mumbai hostel with giardia? - Ashley.
- Sit down, sweetie.
Sit down.
Do you want some, uh - Turducken? - It is massive in America.
I'm not eating meat at the moment.
That is so rude.
This took us ages.
Babe, let's get plates.
Listen, Shawny, I know you want a break from school, I do.
But we don't want you to go to India.
We want you to stay here - and drive in the Winter Nats for us.
- What? You got my text from the doctor.
I can't race.
Shawn can't either.
Well, it's only a couple of weeks.
- He has exams! - I'm happy to home-school.
- Shawn: No! - Wayne: What about Nan? I'm not racing.
I'm leaving school and I'm going to India.
Congratulations.
Grandparents of the year.
- I thought I was helping us all out.
- Yeah, right.
What about me? Oh, you can have the other turkey leg, mate.
I want to step up to race.
I know the Janice better than anyone.
I know her inside out.
I can do this.
You didn't want to race in the juniors.
Yes, I did.
But I didn't get a chance because I was the only one who could mechanically service Mum's car and Brianna's car in the juniors and Shawn's car in the junior juniors.
I'm not sure.
Well, we won't be sure unless we give it a go, will we? So, come on.
Let's give it a go.
Yes.
Yes! Amber: (KNOCKS) Mr Janko.
Sorry, there was no one out the front so I just came back Sharon! Edina! - Lexie! - I'm Amber Wheeler.
Sorry, you need to make an appointment to see me.
- I can see you now.
- Oh, I'm busy now.
You looked busy, out the window.
You've got a couple of minutes.
I want to talk to you about my son, Shawn Van Winkle.
He wants to drop out of school.
And what do you want me to do about that? Gee, I don't know, I just thought you being the principal and all Oh, yep, no worries, I'll just, um, put that on my principal pad and I'll use my principal pen, add that to my list of principal things to do, just under rebuild the back fence of the oval, that's burnt to the ground twice this year.
Fix the leaky roofs of 6 of the 14 portable classrooms.
Had them for 11 years.
Temporary, they were.
Launch an investigation into the missing drum kit.
That's three stolen this term.
And arrange counselling for nine of our staff members that are currently on light library duty due to stress.
We don't have a library.
But, listen, just at the bottom here, I'll add, "Get Shawn to stay in school.
" There you go.
What are you doing with my stapler? - And my pot plant? - My taxes pay for this shithole.
You're not educating my son, I want something for my money.
The fish rots from the head, by the way.
(GROANS) - You right, mate? - Love it.
Love it.
So good to be out here.
What are you doing? - Getting in the zone.
- Julie: Good boy.
Wayne: I don't think he's ready for this.
Julie: Babe, we've got six weeks until the Winter Nats.
I mean, I don't think he's ready up here.
No, no, no, he's just told you, he's getting in the zone.
What, for an MMA tournament? What do you want us to do, drop out of the comp? No, of course not.
Then stop being so negative.
Whoa, here we go.
- What's Tony doing here? - Surprise! Tony has become a Top Fuel instructor.
He's bought his dual cab so you can ride shotgun a couple of times.
That'll get you in the zone.
Awesome.
- Tony: Whoa! - (JULIE LAUGHS) - There he is.
- Tony.
- There she is.
- How are you? I'm good.
I'm good.
Yeah.
There's Wayne.
Uh, no? This one says zero degrees.
I think we'll need something warmer.
The checklist says that zero degrees is fine.
It's Cradle Mountain.
It'll be freezing.
What about backpacks? Yes, I'm checking them out.
Uh-uh-uh! No, no, no.
Oh, does it say anything about a tent? No? - No tent.
- That's a shame.
They've got some great tents for subzero here.
Oscar! I'll call you back.
Okay, bye.
The school supplies tents and we already have backpacks.
We just want Oscar to be comfortable.
If you want him to be comfortable, why are you sending him off like Bear Grylls having to drink his own urine? That's not on the checklist.
- We don't want him to feel entitled.
- Why not? My grandfather worked very hard so we could all feel entitled.
Nanny Margaret, Oscar has no idea how lucky he is.
Oscar has no idea about anything and that won't change if he spends 10 days defecating in the snow.
You have to stop watching the Discovery Channel.
He has to realise that not everything is handed to him on a platter.
Oh, I wonder if Danny got him hiking boots.
He has hiking boots.
Hm? Oh, the old ones are so dirty.
Because they're hiking boots.
Yeah, no, you're right.
That is true.
You're telling Dad to get new ones, aren't you? Nope.
The old ones' laces are really frayed.
So, riding in the front with Tony will be the perfect way to ease into it.
Absolutely no pressure.
Kayne! Speak to me! Um, hi, Tony.
Starting line.
Arms outstretched.
Look at the Christmas tree.
Amber lights, 0.
4 of a second later, what happens? - We turn.
- Too slow! Green light.
Did you release the handbrake 100th of a second beforehand? - Yes.
- Then go! Four G-forces at that start line.
Who else feels that, Kayne? - I - An astronaut! 0.
8 of a second, how fast are you going? - About - Wrong! 160km/h! Accelerate.
Accelerate! 2.
2 seconds, how fast you going now, Kayne? - F - 320km/h.
Do you feel it? 10,000 horsepower, surging through your bones! Four-second mark, put on the brake, release the chute.
That's eight negative G-forces, Kayne.
Brake's on, chute's out, six seconds, we are done.
- Oh.
- Whoo! - Whoa.
- Whoo! Actually feel like I've been for a run.
Why don't we go and have a coffee and talk about the whole thing - Yeah, come on.
- Just, you know, talk things through.
Maybe just sort of debrief a bit, grab a doughnut.
- Yeah, I know.
- That was a bit full on, wasn't it? (LAUGHS) Racing is a bit full on.
Do you remember the first time he said he wanted to race in the juniors - and he got sick before they - He had too many Chiko Rolls.
(ENGINE ROARS) (TYRES SQUEAL) - What are you doing in my kitchen? - Hey! I'm making tofu balls.
Oh, sorry, I meant get out of my kitchen.
Mum.
Ashley's making dinner.
You've bought beer? I got it from Nan and Pop's.
- For Ashley.
- Thanks, baby.
Tofu ball, Amber? I'm okay.
I'm going to stick a wad of wet tissue inside an egg carton and eat that instead.
Whoa.
Your loss.
Mmm mm.
You guys are really hectic right now.
I'm going to go for a drive to chill.
- I'll come with you.
- Whatevs.
Shawn, you're not going anywhere.
Oh, really? That's funny, because look, here I am, going somewhere.
- Shawn! - Far away from you.
(DOOR SLAMS) Tony: You had your eyes shut the whole time.
Not the whole time.
The GoPro does not lie, mate.
0.
5 seconds, eyes closed.
One second, eyes closed.
1.
5 seconds, eyes still closed.
We get the idea, Tone.
Could you give us a minute? You don't have to do this if you don't want to.
I do want to.
Why didn't you open your eyes, love? - I was visualising.
- He was visualising.
- That's what all the top drivers do.
- It's true, we do.
I saw the whole run from inside my eyes.
Yeah, but we're paying Tone so you can see outside your eyes.
He was very helpful, Dad.
Really? I'm ready to go on my own next time.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I've come for my stapler.
I haven't really.
I don't think I've stapled anything in about three years, actually.
I've come to apologise.
Apparently abusing a parent that comes to you for help is not within the school policy guidelines.
I looked that up this afternoon, so I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- You caught me at a bad ti You caught me at a bad time this morning.
I'm I'm giving up smoking.
That's going well.
It's going very well.
I just wanted you to know that my fish isn't always rotting.
You said the fish rots from the head.
Well, sometimes I run a very happy, healthy fish.
I'm talking about the school, just to be clear.
Listen, I can't look after one kid.
I can't imagine what it's like to look after 800.
1,800.
Bullshit? No wonder it's a mess.
So, here's the thing.
We need Shawn to stay.
We do? I can't lose another good student like Shawn.
He's one of our smartest kids and we lose all the smart ones to the Catholic school, usually.
Why does he want to leave? He wants to go to India.
He's in love.
With an Indian girl? With a vegan.
That's intense.
Mmm.
Tofu ball? Um, no, thank you, I-I just Hate tofu? Yeah.
I'm sorry, I didn't make the connection that you were Shawn's mum.
I mean, you don't look old enough to I was chubby for nine months in high school, let's put it that way.
But I got through it and I got a good job and I want that for Shawn too.
So, you're the primary carer? Pay for everything, yeah.
- What about his father? - He's a dickhead.
Think you could bring him in to see me? Seriously, he's a dickhead.
I'm talking about Shawn.
Do you think you could get him to come in and have a chat? I'm on my way to walk with the girls but I just got FedExed this.
It's just a little something for Oscar's trip.
Aspen, Colorado? They have such lovely skiwear.
You bought him something from the most expensive resort in the world? So, make sure he keeps the labels visible in all the photos! Okay, now, we've got the boots in the right size.
Backpack.
Oh, feel that.
(EXCLAIMS) It is so light.
It's titanium.
It's won all the awards.
Oscar, you won't even know you're wearing that.
Cool.
You do realise Oscar's meant to do the packing himself? It's part of the whole experience.
Honey, it's Oscar.
Oh, and got the bamboo cooking utensils.
Same Japanese website.
Oh, oh, oh, thermals from Denmark, made especially for snowstorms.
He's going to Tasmania, not north of the wall.
Toilet paper in sandwich bags.
Yep, we should take the wrapping off of those.
No, no, I don't think that matters.
Dad just wants everyone to know that he buys recycled toilet paper that gives half its money to charity.
No, I Why are you so grumpy? I'm not grumpy, I'm disgusted.
You have bought every single item on that checklist brand-new.
This trip is meant to be a lesson in entitlement but so far, the only lesson is that you two are enablers of entitlement.
Come on, Little Lord Fauntleroy, we'll miss the bus.
I mean you, Oscar.
- Bye, Mum.
- Bye.
Bye.
- She's right.
- She's 100% right.
- We should send all this back.
- We should.
- We're not going to, are we? - No.
I mean, have you put your hand in there? - No.
It's too hot.
- It's like Well, thank you so much for coming in.
- I'm dropping out of school.
- Totally, I understand.
This is purely a formality for the department.
Need to ask you a few questions in order to technically release you from the school.
So, you're off to India? Where are you going first? - Don't know.
- Oh.
Just gonna work it out as you go along? - Mm-hm.
- Okay, why India? Uh, my girlfriend really wants to go.
Ah, say no more.
The girlfriend.
But I really want to.
You know, India's cool.
Ah, well.
So, Mum's always worked? Yes.
And Dad? Um, Dad's been more of a one-off project based (SCOFFS) I need him to answer these questions uninterrupted.
Um, Dad's never really had a job.
Okay.
So, Mum's always put food on the table, bought your clothes? What's this got to do with me leaving? Bureaucracy, statistics.
How does Mum feel about work? - She hates it.
- I bloody love my job.
She never stops complaining.
- Only because I have to get - Amber.
You can wait outside if you'd prefer.
- Reason for leaving - Travel.
Oh, there's no travel column here.
There is apprenticeship, drugs, failing.
So, what did you put? - Parental issues.
- What? Mum wants me to stay.
I'm leaving because I want to travel.
- And because you're scared.
- Scared? What? I'm the opposite of scared.
I'm going exploring.
Make up a new column for travel.
Oooh, they get really mad if you squiggle extra lines.
- What am I scared of? - Finishing school.
- Being like your mother and father.
- I beg your pardon? One's never worked, the other's always worked, but is always unhappy.
(SCOFFS) Shawn, go and wait in the car.
- No, please stay.
- I said go! - We were just getting somewhere.
- By piling shit on me.
- No.
- So, he's running away because of me? Well, he's chosen a girl with no rules, no responsibility, no meat.
No fucking deodorant.
So, I'd say, yes, his running away has something to do with you.
What makes you think I'm unhappy? You've been a mother since you were at school.
You work your arse off, you are exhausted, lonely and, to top it all off, the boy you're doing it all for is leaving you.
I-I'm sorry, I-I-I didn't mean to make you I just thought you had every reason to be unhappy.
I'm pretty sure that was more unprofessional than smoking.
I'd better go after him.
Yes, yes.
You should.
Sorry.
Nothing happened.
We were just discussing Shawn? Listen, that stuff he was saying, your dad and I haven't always been perfect - and I know I'm a pain in the arse - Ashley doesn't want to go to India.
Oh, where does she want to go? She broke up with me.
She said I'm too full-on.
Too full-on? Where is she? I'll show her fuckin' full-on.
Mum, stop.
Just for once, stop.
Okay, this doesn't have to be fast.
I just want you to concentrate on the moments.
When did Brianna and Younis get here? I asked them to come down to cheer you on.
Um - is everything all right down there? - Yes.
- Hey, driver! - Hi.
We brought the rest of the turducken, bro.
Bit of protein.
Kayne.
What's wrong? Kayne, what's wrong? It's the turducken.
I told you to put more ice bricks in.
You'll be right, mate.
It's probably just a bit of heatstroke.
Heatstroke? Yeah, Kayne gets a bit of heatstroke every now and again.
- Can you sit up, love? - Come on, Kayne, push through it.
Give him a sec.
He's hot.
Well, it's not that hot.
Maybe for you it's not, but Kayne feels the heat.
That's the thing with heatstroke.
It can get you at any time.
You don't expect it, but you've got to talk in front of people, you've got a meeting with a big sponsor or you've gotta to have one of those tests at the hospital where they slide you in the white tunnel.
So no offence, Tone, but piss off.
No worries.
- Throw that out.
- It was chilled.
Bin it now! Deep breaths, love, that's the way.
Brianna.
This is a panic attack, isn't it? - A what? - You have panic attacks.
No, I have heatstroke.
Why haven't I ever heard about this?! It's embarrassing to talk about.
And pooping your pants during an MRI isn't? - I wasn't wearing any pants.
- You told me you ate a dodgy kebab.
(GASPS) The Chiko Rolls when Kayne got sick at the juniors.
I was never sure it was the Chiko Rolls.
I tried to tell you that.
15 years later.
How can I help you if I don't know? You can help by not pushing him to race.
I didn't mean that.
(SIGHS) You're right.
He's not ready.
Yet.
We just have to get him ready in Kayne time.
Arms outstretched.
Feel the car.
0.
8 seconds.
160km/h and go, go, go, go! Julie: That's it, Kayne.
Go, baby! Wayne: Killing it! I think we should ask Tony to drive for us in the Winter Nats.
Already have.
Anything for you, babe.
And you, Wayno.
Feel a bit guilty about buying all that stuff for Oscar.
And packing for him.
Well, he's on his own now.
Yeah, exactly.
And they wouldn't even let me put his backpack on the bus.
He'll have to manage everything by himself.
Exactly.
(PHONE RINGS) So, you're talking to me again? I wanted to say sorry that you broke up with your girlfriend.
- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not.
I think she was really selfish to want you go to India.
Well, I'm not now.
Edwina: I'm glad.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) I'm going to South America.
What? Shawn, that is the stupidest thing I've heard.
In two years.
Sucker.
I'll call you back.
- Mr Janko.
- Hi, Shawn.
I-I'm coming back to school.
I know.
Actually, I'm not here to see you, I'm here to see her.
What? What? Your dinner's in the fridge.
Um M-my life is over.
You know that, right? I got that.
Okay, okay.
I'm dropping out of school again! I promised I would help out at the Mitre 10 sausage sizzle for Shawn's school.
- She's dating someone.
- Shawn! You're dating someone? You have to let me introduce you when I am ready.
Is that Amber? That's right, you said you'd be here today.
You are pathetic.
No, we forgot you'd be here with Who is it again, Shawny? Mr Janko? Who we don't even know is the high school principal.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
Why do you belong on the board of International Women of Medicine? Guess who's been shortlisted for the IWM board? Why do both of our name tags say "mother of Dr Bess Denyer"? Because you are both my mothers.
You didn't mention your upbringing in your interview.
I didn't think that it mattered.
It's hugely significant to have lesbian parents.
(SPITS)