Veep s03e05 Episode Script

We are in the ass of the hurricane.
You may never meet her personally.
She may never catch your eye or ever thank you, but Selina Meyer will never forget you.
You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.
She's gonna ask you for a chamomile.
She doesn't want chamomile.
She wants peppermint.
Okay? She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.
You guys are the chosen ones, all right? Not in a Jewish way, either.
In a' like' selected from a very short list of 10 way.
Some people say three microwaves is overkill.
My response is always, Tapas.
And never, ever, ever fuck up.
End of induction.
Clear? Well, the old politics just is not working.
I'm an American, and I aim to be a team player.
Now, running the country isn't a whole heck of a lot different than running a team.
It's just a few more people involved.
What is our take on this one-dick pony? He's an ex-baseball manager.
You know that saying, "Anyone can run for president"? Joe Thornhill is the only reason that that's utter bullshit.
The United States is a team, and I wanna be your designated hitter.
You know what? I've got to say something to these folks.
Okay? What is that smell? What is that smell? I just put Icy Hot on my shoulder.
- Oh, my God, it's so bad.
- I'm so sorry.
My nostrils feel like Vietnam.
Okay.
- You're still speaking? Yeah, ma'am? - Yes, I am.
Oh, my goodness! What a journey we are about to begin.
And how does a journey begin? With a first step.
So, watch my foot.
Boom! Genius! How about that? That Mike McLintock.
He's our head of Whoop.
I don't know where he went, but Let's do it, then.
Yes! Where is Gary? Wheres everyone running off to? Is this the beginning of the Rapture or what? - I wouldn't give it a second thought.
- I'm not, I was just asking.
Okay.
Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
We have liftoff.
The rockets are lit.
Let's get this baby in the air.
- Show me something.
- Show us thethewhat you got.
I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
Yeah, boy.
How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock-full of assholes.
" "I don't trust the Chinese.
" "I gotta tell you something "I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation "that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life.
" - So hows that for my platform? - Got my vote.
- Yeah, I got your vote.
- Forget about him, all right? No, no, no.
Concentrate on Maddox, not Thornhill.
Maddox can walk without looking at his feet.
Can we Thanks, Ame.
What about this luncheon with Ericsson? I don't want Dan and Amy to know I'm three-timing them.
Come on.
Look.
Ericsson is the perfect campaign manager, okay? He's Amy without a conscience and he's Dan without the The 5% that needs to be loved.
- Okay? Come on.
- I know.
- Ma'am? - Yep, it's me.
No, no.
Don't look at me, please.
Thank you.
What time is the unofficial lunch that I am not having today? Yeah, it is not officially at 12:45.
Thank you for not letting me know about anything at all.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
What are you doing, Gary? What's in the bag, Mike? You go first.
I'm washing Icy Hot out of my shirt.
- Of course.
- Now it's your turn.
I can't say.
I gotta wash my hands.
Oh, my God.
Is that bag full of your fluids? Not the whole bag.
A specimen cup full of little Mikes.
Look, Wendy and I are trying IVF.
We're on a very strict schedule.
Please don't say anything.
You're telling me the whole time I was washing my shirt, you were in there doing that? Jesus, Gary, grow up.
All my "troops" are in a cold bag now, okay? I just gotta get them to the doctor so he can begin the assault on Egg Mountain.
Okay, that's a strong opening, but I think you're gonna want a more active verb there.
- Why is Dan being so nice? - You guys remind me of me when I was you.
- Look at me now.
- Nobody says shit like that voluntarily.
Dan is campaigning for campaign manager, okay? - You're not pushing for him, are you? - Christ, no.
I'd rather cede control of the CIA to Pakistan than see Dan lead a campaign.
Should I be campaigning? Do you really have to ask me that? I can't do the "be nice to people" because that's what Dan's doing.
Also, 'cause I can't do it.
Why don't you just invite us over for dinner? - Did you get my text? - I got your text.
- You didn't answer.
- Oh, there is no answering that.
Crystal, come here.
I need you to take this to this address.
Just leave it with the nurse.
Fast as you can, but don't crash.
There he is, Mr.
Media Master Mike.
- Mike, where have you been? - Oh, the bathroom.
I hope you were focusing on me in there.
- Oh, no.
I wasn't.
- Excuse me? What? I'm sorry, I was in the bathroom.
What, you guys went to the bathroom together? I was actually thinking of something, which is how to squash the first story of your campaign.
Which is what? The fact that you started your campaign without a campaign manager.
Oh.
Possibly without a press guy, too.
Right, Mike? - Ma'am? - Yeah, I know.
- What the hell was that about? - Don't worry about it, buddy.
You speak the truth to power, Mr.
Truth Power Talker.
You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette.
It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.
Thank you.
Let me guess, you're ordering dessert first and then a main course.
What? Why? You put yourself up for nomination before appointing a campaign manager.
I just thought maybe you liked to do everything backwards.
That was quite a long journey for that joke.
- I admire your stamina.
- And I admire yours.
Those polls can't be easy reading.
You're 30 yards ahead when you should be three miles ahead.
Do you know why? Let me tell you something.
Polls are notorious Let's look at why the press don't like you, and they don't.
The answer is Mike McLintock.
Well, that makes sense, yeah.
And then we have Dan.
He's all eyelashes and teeth.
- He'd make a good croupier.
- He would make a good croupier.
Never thought of that.
He's very good at reading people, you know? Right, hitting on drunk divorcees, yeah.
That's his level.
So you are suggesting losing Dan and Mike? - Amy would be - Does she know you're here? - No, of course not.
- You should fire her for that.
I wouldn't let you within a mile of someone like me.
Fire her, now.
- I hadn't thought about - Then it's time you did.
- Bill? - Yes.
If we are gonna work together, you really do need to make an effort not to interrupt me all the time because I find that a little - Annoying? I get it.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Zip.
Out.
Done.
Go ahead.
- Good.
Thank you.
You're talking about losing Dan and Mike and Amy? - Plus Gary.
- Oh, come on.
Do you really want him standing behind you for the next eight years like an asshole? But you know, he's my asshole.
- You need a better asshole.
- All right, so, lose Gary, I guess.
- And then, what, I fire everyone? - Mmm-hmm.
Now what am I supposed to do? I could maximize your chances of becoming the most powerful person on Earth.
Turn your head as far as you can to the right.
And again.
That's it? And at work you're required to carry a heavy bag? Yeah, that's one of my many responsibilities.
Is your bag integral to your job? What other duties do you have? That's classified information.
Carry on like this, you're gonna need a new shoulder.
Is that an option? 'Cause I can do that.
You need to get a new job.
Someone around here needs to get a new job, and it ain't me.
I'm not sure if I understand I'm not sure I want to explain it to you again.
- Dan - No, too busy.
Load faster, you asshole.
Gary, get your arm out of my airspace before I shoot it down.
Hello, top minds.
- Afternoon.
- Ma'am.
So, is there a Maddox update? Have you heard that he gave Jonah a job? No way.
Are you kidding me? That's the update? - I know, right? - No.
I'm talking about Maddox and me.
Jesus Christ! I'm 30 yards ahead of this guy.
I should be three miles ahead.
I should be the three-mile candidate.
"Three Mile" has negative connotations, ma'am.
There was a nuclear disaster there.
Yeah.
Well, there might be one here too.
Ma'am, George Maddox would like to meet this weekend.
- Where? - He's invited you to his country house.
- What for, a murder mystery weekend? - Oh, I love the country.
Peeing in a bush, being talked to on a porch.
It's kind of like being a dog.
Well, ma'am, we need to stop Maddox from running.
I know that, Ame.
Offer something shiny, like State.
Mike, you're gonna come with me.
- Me? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
UmI have really important stuff to do here, ma'am.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Am I keeping you from anything? Yeah, but I guess I could do it in the country.
Don't you have allergies, Mike? Oh, I do actually have allergies.
You do know that this isn't a hobby? - Right? - What isn't a hobby? - This job.
- Oh.
- Of course I know that.
- Yep.
What in the loving fuck? Ma'am, I could go.
I can! choose either of you guys to go because then it's gonna show some sort of campaign manager bias and you'll freak out.
- No, we could go with that.
- I can put that aside.
- Seriously? - Of course.
- All right' then.
Dan, you're coming.
- Yes.
- Perfect.
Well, actually, I have a load of - Laundry to do? - Strategy docs to work on.
- Good.
- You falling behind there, Ames? - No, I'm keeping ahead.
Really? 'Cause, you know, I can do that on the run, so People like Maddox always have guns on the walls next to the animal heads.
It's like a flowchart for people who don't know what firearms do.
- Madam Vice President.
- Oh, George.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
It's so good to see you.
Is Eleanor here? No she's not, thankfully.
She's not a fan.
Of political talk, I mean.
Oh, I see.
Right.
These are just In your face.
- In a kind of fantastic way.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you kill these? No, they were pre-killed.
on, right.
Jake, could you get their bags? - Yes, sir.
- Oh.
Hi, "Jake.
" You're Maddox's bagman? - That's quite a demotion.
- I'm sorry? I have several responsibilities for Secretary Maddox.
And I think you'll find I'm quite the Renaissance Man.
Well, please, by all means, Leonardo.
Yes.
Chop-chop.
I want to thank you for agreeing to come and go fishing with me.
Yeah, I can't wait to get out on the water.
What kind of boat do you have? I don't have a boat.
This is the most lovely setting, isn't it? It's a beautiful day.
- Okay, here, come on.
- I got it.
There.
Ah, ah, ah.
Oh, I'm sorry, George.
Pardon me.
Okay, that's fine.
Get away from - Gary, come on.
- My God.
Have you fished before? Um Uh, yeah.
Yeah? Oh That's a nice cast.
Right out into the center of the water.
Well, that's where I like to be.
Right in the center of the action.
You and me both.
What about Chung? You think he's gonna run, George? - I hope not.
- Yeah.
We can't have a war tourist in the White House.
- Ha.
- He talks the talk, but all he did in Iraq was wait for the bombing to stop, then post Facebook photos of himself sitting on a gold-plated bidet.
That's a good stance, sir.
Good solid base.
I'd hate to be a fish in your river.
- Shut up.
- George If I were in the Oval Office, you know, I could really use somebody like you in State.
If I was State, hypothetically - Oh! - Ooh.
Oh, look at that! - That is heavy! - Reel him in.
Look at that! - Look how big that thing is! - Oh, yeah! Okay! Oh! Whoa! How exciting! - Oh, no! - Where'd he go? Aw! - Did you lose him? - Oh, he got away.
You fucking idiot.
This is so nice of you, Amy.
Oh, there was a seating plan.
- Ah, I'm sorry.
- But it is absolutely fine.
I'm going to top up some wine.
- You have You need some - Actually, I don't No, no.
Oh! It's okay.
It's okay.
- No.
- Don't rub it, Mike.
- I'm making it worse.
- Yeah.
I was gonna get a new rug, so I could take a dump on it, if you need a clincher.
Oh, thank you, Ben.
This is great wine, Amy.
A lot better than I anticipated.
And she has got a real nose for wine.
You remember that soiree at the French embassy, where you were identifying the year by the smell? I also do that with my men.
The only thing about you that doesn't surprise me is your capacity to surprise me.
So good to see everybody.
I'm gonna check on the food.
What's the delay? I have mammals in there who need to eat food.
Is this ready? What is it? - Potatoes.
- I can see that.
- Potatoes a la what? - Just potatoes.
You can't really eat them by themselves.
I've eaten hummus with a pen cap.
Don't tell me how I can eat.
So we can make a start with this.
That is an ark of potato.
S.
S.
Starch.
So, Amy, when are you going to ask us to support you as campaign manager? I guess I don't have to now.
Um But anyone who talks about work tonight has to take a drink.
- Work.
- Oh, Ben jumped on that.
We're off.
- Where's your bathroom? - It's second on the left.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You look gorgeous! Do you think that I'm ruthless - No.
- enough? - Oh, enough? - Yeah.
I think you have just the right amount of grit in your oyster.
- Huh? - "Hmm? No, I mean, can I be a complete fucking bitch? Please don't talk about yourself that way.
You know how sometimes you have a friend, but they weren't up to their job? My shoulder is fine, ma'am.
No, no.
I'm not talking about you.
Okay.
Though it doesn't look like your shoulders fine.
It's almost perfect If that became some sort of permanent disability Mike's masturbating at work.
- What? - I caught him doing it.
- No.
- Him and Wendy are doing IVF.
And I caught him coming out of the bathroom stall with a bag.
Ugh! Oh, my God! Give me my phone.
- Why? - 'Cause I've got to be in touch with Ben.
I can't have Mike getting "what's-her-ass" all knocked up and pregnant, becoming some son of a dad during my campaign.
What is keeping Mike? Mike? I'm here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Join the party, Mike.
- This food looks amazing.
It should be.
It cost enough.
Hey, Mike, this salad doesn't have any dressing.
Did you bring any extra dressing? What are you talking about, Ben? I hear the next course is gonna be pulled pork.
Pork that has been pulled.
So everybody knows that I was in there masturbating into a cup now? - No, I was the only one who knew, Mike.
- We all know now.
I really hope that's IVF or something, Mike, because otherwise It is.
It is.
Wendy and I are trying to conceive a child.
Good luck with that.
That can be a tough road.
- I know.
- I have a sister who was Well, she didn't have the It kind of all went wrong within the tubing - Stop talking.
- Copy that.
Talk about something else.
Before we eat, may I just say how much I value all of you.
Thank you for your skills and for your friendship.
- Hear, hear.
- To skills.
And friendship.
Um, what if we don't have anything to talk about but work? Oh.
Work.
We have plenty of other stuff to say.
Amy, did I hear you talking about Maddox hiring Jonah, - or was that a horrible nightmare I had? - Mmm-hmm.
Why would Maddox hire someone like that? Because of his uncle.
Why? Who's his uncle? - Jeff Kane.
- Jeff Kane, the New Hampshire guy? - Yeah.
- The Jeff Kane.
Who controls the senior citizen vote in New Hampshire? How do you think he got the job in the White House? She's at Maddox's right now.
I have to call her.
Maddox's camp will give you nothing.
- Maddox has access to - Yeah, I know that.
I know that, and that's why I'm gonna call.
You know what's gonna help, everybody? If you just go.
I don't mean to be rude, but dinner has got to be over.
Please, all, do support Amy as Selina's campaign manager.
Please do.
Yay me.
Yay me.
- Anybody wanna get a burger? - Yeah.
- Don't forget your bag, Mike.
- Thanks, Kent.
It seems more appropriate now that it's just the two of us.
- No.
You have to go too.
- Amy, it's our anniversary.
Oh, please do not tell me you are one of those fucking weirdoes that celebrates three month-a-versaries.
It's actually a year.
A year in which you neglected to tell me about Jeff Kane.
Go.
I guess I'll go tell the violinist that he has the night off.
I'll have him play me a bunch of Smiths covers in my car.
- Ma'am You gotta go.
- Hey, what's up? Jeff Kane.
The New Hampshire guy.
Yeah.
What about him? - He's Jonah's uncle.
- Shit.
- What? - Jeff Kane is Jonah's uncle? - What? - No! Tell Dan he needs to find Jonah now and peach him.
Okay.
We're all over this.
That's obviously how he got the job with Maddox.
No one would be so stupid to hire him otherwise.
Exactly.
- So, we're all set? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, Sir, where is Jonah? - Who? - The tall fellow.
The bag of bones guy? He's in your entourage.
Haven't we got more important things to talk about? We do, George.
We certainly do.
- Right this way.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Hey, buddy.
How's it going? Why the fuck do you care? - Why shouldn't I care? - Because you hate me.
All right, look.
There's a fine line, Jonah, between hate and non-hate.
You attacked me with a burrito.
And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.
- What, so you could do it again? - No.
The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan.
The spicy burrito juice.
I think you and I have a lot in common, actually.
- We do? - Yeah.
We say it like it is.
So if I did want to run, why would I just step aside for you? See, that's what I'm talking about.
- Why wouldn't you? - No, why would I? Well, I believe that I've earned this, George.
I also believe that the position of vice president can be a very rewarding one.
Even though it has no power? It has some constitutional power, and, by the way, I think that I can pull some pretty big levers.
You exercise this power very discreetly, I must say.
Maddox? Come on, man.
That guy's got ulterior motives, and you know it.
What do you mean, ulterior motives? I just think he's keeping you around - Because? - Because of your uncle, Jeff Kane.
- Fuck you, Dan.
- I just offered you a job.
People like me' people hire me, people date me, and people fuck me because I'm triple-A fuckin' awesome - and no other reason.
- Sure.
So why don't you scooch your little butt out of my fuckin' pantry? You know what? The only reason you have a fuckin' job, Jonah, is because your uncle is Donald Chump.
Wake up and smell the fuckin' burrito juice.
You know what? Selina's gonna lose and President Maddox is gonna have you both executed! That's not even the way it works, you fuckin' idiot.
Yeah? Well, maybe you're a fuckin' idiot.
So I think we both agree that the strongest candidate should run.
Absolutely.
And we both agree that the role of vice president can be a very significant one.
You've certainly made a compelling argument.
- You'd consider that? - Absolutely.
- You'd be my vice president.
- Would love for you to be my vice president.
Huh? What did you just say? It makes sense for me.
You're already vetted.
Are you kidding me? Plus you would be the first vice president to serve under two successive presidents.
I'd rather be shot in the fucking face than serve as vice president again.
Seriously, in the fucking face! Hey, how'd it go? Uh-uh.
Oh, God.
How'd it go? Oh.
All right, guys, listen.
Maddox is running, okay? So I need you to access the strategy file in Dropbox.
Password, "mother_fucker.
" So our next move - is to stop Chung from running.
- No.
Two ex-military candidates are gonna squeeze you out, ma'am.
The subtext of every question will be, "Yeah, you're pretty, but can you break a man's neck?" Let me explain something to you.
You had me go marching off to the country to try and keep Maddox from running, and then today, he announced he's running, right? Oh, what's in your lunchbox, Mike? A protein shake? You degenerate.
You know about this? The private thing I wanted kept private? You know, Mike, it would please me greatly if you would do me the honor of removing your jizzbox from our executive branch of government.
- It's actually a cooler.
- Oh! Then, by all means.
Open it up, let's have a picnic.
I'll boil up my eggs.
So, listen.
I'm gonna get rid of the team, the whole bunch.
Desperate Dan, flailing Amy, crippled Gary, jizzy Mike.
Jizzy Mike? Yeah.
He jerks off all the time in the office.
Really? He does that? Yeah, he really does.
You have no idea.
Anyway, I'm going to get rid of 'em.
I'm gonna shoot Mike and Gary in the head, I'll poison Amy, I'll behead Dan.
- Ma'am.
- Oh, shit.
What are you doing here? Look, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I have some inside Maddox polling data.
- How did you find me? - I put a lot of pressure on Sue.
So, she's gonna have to go too.
Wait.
What do you mean, too? Yeah, Dan, listen Bill is going to be our new campaign manager I'm flattered, but the answer's no.
I'm sorry.
What? I hate to say I got a better offer, but I got a better offer.
Is it Danny Chung? That desperate dick covered in medals that he got on eBay, by the way? - Not Chung.
It's Thornhill.
- What? Baseball Joe? That man's a vegetable.
Seriously.
- So he can catch a ball.
- He can win.
He did it on the field when nobody thought he had a chance.
People love his story, they love his attitude.
I don't love your attitude.
- So why don't you go and - With all due respect You know what? You stop interrupting me, you stupid fucking interrupty guy.
- I'm sorry.
- I am un-offering you the job.
You will never be my campaign manager, ever! - Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
- You bet it was.
It was a huge pleasure to meet me.
You know we're going to rip you apart.
On, so scary! Dan Do you want to be my campaign manager? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes, I do.
- Okay.
Yeah! Ma'am.
you I am not going to let you down.
You will not regret this.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah ! This is amazing;.
I feel all floaty.
What's this one called? - It's a boilermaker.
- A boilermaker! - You never had one? - Mmm-mmm.
I'm a Prosecco man.
I wouldn't spread that around, Gary.
Did you know I got a condition? What, you can't hold your alcohol? No, it's my shoulder.
I'm in a lot of pain.
Join the club, pal.
No, but I carry around Selina's big, heavy bag of her tampon bullshit.
And the doctor - I'm serious.
- Mike.
- The doctor told me to get another job.
- No.
- You need to get another doctor.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Did he give you a cortisone shot? - No! No! - See? Mr.
Bartender! A cortisone shot! Tequila.
Tequila! Oh.
Mike, is the bar the appropriate place for the contents of that bag? Relax, Amy.
It's a spoiled batch.
I missed my window today at the clinic and Wendy is not happy.
- Hey, Mr.
Kent! - Hey, kids.
Everybody well oiled? I called you all to my office because there may be some changes.
She got a campaign manager, didn't she? Please tell me that it's not Dan.
It's not Dan.
Thank you, God! - Fuck you, Dan, you minor-league gigolo! - Gigolo! - Just out of curiosity - Yeah? What was Ericsson's pitch? He said that you'd be better off as a croupier fucking older women.
That doesn't bother me.
I I like older women.
I do.
They have life experience.
- Yeah, they do.
- Not just the sexy stuff.
Mmm.
- Well, they've got that too, I can tell you that.
- Mmm-hmm.
Actually, it's been a while since I've been with an older woman.
Oh.
Oh.
- Oh, here, I gotcha.
- Thank you very much.
Sure.
Look.
This is gonna be a very intimate relationship.
- And I really I've gotta get in there.
- Yeah? You have to tell me stuff that even Gary doesn't know.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
I can't even think, seriously.
What about you? Do you have any skeletons? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Here we go.
- Yeah, I've got one.
When I was a kid - Yeah? A bunch of older kids dared me to kill this stray dog.
And I did.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You killed a dog? - Yeah.
Shit.
Okay, now, your turn.
You go.
Oh - Just let fly.
- Okay.
Well Um - Right before Andrew and I split up - Mmm-hmm.
I don't know if you remember, but his car caught fire.
Yeah.
- You? - I did it.
Yeah, I did it.
I torch cars, you know Give me the nuclear codes.
Wow.
I guess I can sit on that for eight years.
Um, there's probably going to be some shake-ups.
Oh.
Sorry, Amy.
- What the - Fuck, Dan? Oh.
She was talking to Ericsson.
I invited you guys to dinner.
Yeah, then you kicked us out.
Sir, I would like one of these, and after that, I want one of these.
And then after that, I would like one of these.
Careful.
Why would she go with Dan when he couldn't even poach Jonah from Maddox? The one thing that will push me over the edge right now is if you mention Jonah's name.
He could actually stumble in here.
He lives right around the corner.
- He won't come in here.
- Mike, I got an idea.
We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.
- You're kidding.
- I'm not kidding.
Let's throw his cum at Jonah's door.
Yeah! Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum! Amy, no, no That's my DNA! - I would like to see that, but we'll stay.
- Yeah.
All right, I'm out of here.
How did you kill it? - Sorry, what? - Nothing.
It's fine.
- We're good? All right.
- Yeah.
I had a romantic dinner of champagne and oysters, and Wendy finished me off in a cup.
It was beautiful.
- Sounds pretty good, except for the oysters.
- Yeah.
I like 'em.
- We do this like a contract killing, all right? - Where is it? Mike! What the fuck are you doing? Hurry up.
Just get it out.
Hey, guys.