Wrecked (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 - I have feelings for you! - I have feelings for you, too! I'm going to break you and watch you hunt each other to the death.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Jess! No! - Where am I? - Her brains are scrambled! She thinks she's in college.
I can't be your wife.
I guess today is the first day of me trying to win you back.
'Sup, Jess? Brought you a bucket of water.
I thought you might want to hydrate up before we all get around to murdering each other tomorrow.
Murder.
Why would I say murder? Oh, my God, Todd.
What is wrong with you? Just be Todd, all right? You're a boss and a pimp.
You got this, man.
[EXHALING SHARPLY.]
You and I both know you're the key to getting out of here.
Please, just tell me how to use you.
If you put it here, this is where we can bounce over the wall.
- On a trampoline? - Yeah.
Where will we get one? - So, is L.
A.
, like, so crazy? - That's where she comes in.
Yeah, I guess.
- [ LAUGHS.]
That's so crazy.
- [LAUGHS.]
- 'Sup, Jess? Thought you might be thirsty, so I brought you a bucket of water from that weird pipe over there.
Okay.
You remember anything yet? - Nope.
- Getting closer, though? No.
Why would you think that? Just thought I saw a little twinkle in you eyes, that's all.
- [POPS LIPS.]
- There's no twinkle.
No twinkle.
Got it.
Yep.
Well, hey let a homey know.
Okay, bye.
Thanks, Todd.
Oh, I'd actually like a cup of that water.
Oh, my God, totally.
You know, water's, like, so basic, but it's still so good, right? I think it's pretty important to life, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
You're so funny.
Okay.
I mean, I guess I'm sort of funny, yeah.
Holy Mother of God.
Jess has a boner for Pack.
It seems like our only chance to trounce these rich dicks is tomorrow at the Hunt.
I don't see how, unless we can find a way to deactivate these bracelets.
You don't think anyone's gonna turn on each other, do you? No.
No, they won't.
Not as long as the Dream Team stays strong.
We're the twisty tie that holds this whole bag of bread together.
And as long as we don't get lost on the countertops or chewed up by a dog or fall between the fridge and the wall - What are you talking about? - Yeah, you lost me at the dog thing.
Whoo, that one got away from me there.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, I'm sorry, wow.
Speeches are hard.
You don't get enough credit for that.
Heads up.
Tomorrow is the Hunt.
Most of you will die, some sooner than others.
But Mr.
Stanwick is a gracious man.
He has asked me to take your order.
What order? For your final meal.
This may be the last time you ever eat.
Collectively, you will choose one meal, which I will prepare.
Anything your heart desires.
So what will it be? We should eat something.
No point in depriving ourselves of useful calories.
Yeah, yeah, okay, um What about pizza? Everyone loves pizza, right? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, yes.
- Pizza.
- Okay.
- I'm happy with pizza.
- Fine by me.
As long as it's got meat on it.
- Yeah.
- Martha, can you do pizza? Can I top a flat piece of bread with sauce and cheese? Yes, I think I can "do" pizza.
Oh, man, I love pizza! Shut up.
I love pizza.
- That's so crazy, though, we like the same thing.
- I mean, everybody kind of loves pizza.
Wait! No pizza.
Why not? Because it's greasy and slimy and soft.
It sucks! Well, Todd, you have a better idea? Oh, yeah, I do.
Something that's actually satisfying and badass, like ribs.
Yeah, big old slab of baby-back ribs.
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Okay.
I'll have to fire up the smoker.
- Fire up that smoker.
- I want a pizza, but ribs is fine.
- I like it.
- Ribs and sauces.
Wait! Not ribs, okay? At least with pizza, I could pick the meat off.
If we get to choose our last meal, we can't just have a slab of ribs.
- That's insane.
- Why not? Red meat is terrible for the environment, okay? And also, you know, goes without saying meat is murder.
[ALL GROANING.]
- Boo! - Boring! KAREN: I don't understand.
Ever since we crashed, you've been sucking the boar meat straight off the bone.
I had no other choice.
I was starving.
Oh, s-so you're a hypocrite? [SCOFFS.]
I'm not a hypocrite.
I value all life.
Didn't you kill a dude with a chili pepper? Okay, you know what? If I die tomorrow, I die with my principles intact.
I demand plant-based foods only.
- Ohh, man.
- That sounds horrible! I want a pizza! I'm a man.
I'm not a rabbit.
Yeah, if I wanted to die smelling veggie farts, I would've let that drifter kill me in Portland, okay? No, no, no, no.
We all need at least 36 grams of protein.
36 grams? Isn't that gonna overload your circuit board? Enough! Don't you see? This is just another one of Declan's games.
We're all just prawns on his chest board.
Ooh, shrimp would be nice.
The only way to beat Declan is to just not play at all, which is why I think we should hunger strike.
Now, who's with me? No one? Not a single Jess.
Come on.
We used to always team up in the old days.
- Really? - Yeah.
You probably can't remember 'cause of your mushy brain.
Okay, that's rude.
Come on.
Do not take advantage of her.
Whatever! Enjoy your food, losers.
Okay, listen up.
We're clearly not getting anywhere.
Somebody needs to just make a decision.
I'll pick.
I'm sorry, who made you leader? [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, no No one actually made me the leader, right? But since no one else ever steps up, here I am, making the tough decisions.
And I say we go with a classic steak dinner.
Oh, great choice! It's a classic for a reason.
Uh, steak? Did you not hear anything I just said? Yeah, but there's gonna be a bunch of sides.
You know what they say With steak, sides make the meal.
Okay.
Florence, I can't please everybody.
I'm not asking you to please everyone.
I'm asking you to support me.
Don't waste your time, bro.
She's gonna get her brains all scrambled, anyway, and leave you.
They always do.
Dude, seriously, you need to chill out.
I wasn't even talking about you.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
- How do they always do it? - They always do.
Silence! [ARGUING STOPS.]
What do you want? - Pizza! - A steak dinner with a lot of sides.
- Olive tapenade.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- I like pizza, though.
- Both of us, because Okay! You idiots have one hour to decide what you're having.
Otherwise, you're eating PB&Js.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay.
That's actually a pretty good idea.
And it won't be the fancy PB&Js with nice bread and stuff.
It'll be the shit ones with unsalted peanut butter and not enough jelly.
Okay.
Let's try this again.
Sweet and sour pork "love it," "hate it," or "eh, fine.
" Go.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
And feel free to join me in Hunger Strike Corner.
Still plenty of room.
- Be nice, okay? - Wait! I want to use my soft veto.
Seriously? I'm sorry, but ever since that LFO song, Chinese food has made me sick.
Okay, we've got one soft veto.
Anyone want to match? - I'll match that.
- I got you, babe.
I'm not your babe.
Then you leave me no choice but to use my challenge.
You can't challenge a match.
That's the whole point of the match.
Wait, but how many vetoes can we use this round? Oh, my God.
How many times do I have to go over this? You get one hard veto and two soft unless you successfully challenge a block, in which case you get an extra hard veto and the option to zig a zag.
It's not that difficult, people! [LAUGHS.]
Soft veto, hard veto Who gives a shit? What we should be talking about is soft or hard tacos.
Absolutely.
I want tacos! - Wait.
What? - Tacos.
- Oh, man.
- You guys, I'm sorry.
I got to super block tacos.
- No! - No! I don't want to have the runs when we're on the run, okay? That is disgusting.
You're talking about poop.
What kind of tacos do you think we're eating? - Oh, I agree.
Eww! - All right! Let's just look at what we have right now, okay? So far, the meal with the most points is the turkey sandwich, in which everyone is an "eh, fine," except for Pack.
Come on, you guys want to have a cold sandwich for your last meal ever? - Absolutely, we do.
- Sure.
You know what? Fine.
I'm starving, so turkey sandwich it is.
- Yay.
- [LAUGHS.]
Nope! Then I hate it.
Oh, my God.
- What? - What? - What is happening? - Okay, friend.
You have been directly opposed to Pack every vote.
Erratic behavior is an emotional cue.
What is going on? All right, you want to know what's going on? Fine.
Pack is using Jess' soupy brain to trick her into having feelings for him.
Oh, excuse me for a minute.
- Do you have feelings for me? - What? I mean, it's, like, whatever.
Who cares? [LAUGHS.]
I mean, do you like me or whatever? You see? The dude's trying to steal her right in front of me.
Well, technically, isn't she kind of single? I mean, her memory's still a bit - No.
No, she's not.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
My wife is still in there.
I know it.
Okay.
Jess, at our Cruise-ifornication Red Hot Chili Wedding, we made a sacred vow to each other to always be partners In life, love, and Flip Cup - What? - Beer pong.
No.
I didn't make a vow to anyone.
I don't even know you.
All I know is that you're a jerk and you smell like my dad's friends.
Okay, okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
Todd, listen, man, I'm really sorry about what's happening.
But the heart wants what the heart wants.
Oh, you want to start something, bro?! Let's do it! - Let's go! - Come get me! - Come on.
I'm coming.
- Come get I'm right here! - No, you're not.
- I'm not going anywhere! - You are, though.
- I'd never back down from any man.
You're backing down.
You're moving backwards.
Oh, my God.
Guys! - I'd never move! - Enough! Save it for tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Save what for tomorrow? Because we're not hunting each other, right? Listen.
We may very well band together and fight our way off this island.
But it's more likely we're gonna crack under pressure and kill each other.
- What! - What are you talking about?! Either way, we're gonna need fuel.
So just pick a meal.
So you think you could actually kill us, your friends? No, Karen.
Before you say anything, I want you to take - Yes, I could.
- A beat! - Oh, my God! - Take a beat, Karen! It's not even fair! She's like the Wayne Gretzky of murder.
And we don't even know how to ice skate.
We're just gonna be flopping around with our cold dicks! How could you hunt us? Well, it's very simple, really.
I'll do anything to get back to Anthony and the girls.
What? Who are Anthony and the girls? My husband and my daughters, Lydia and Eleanor.
You're straight? You have a family?! Of course.
I'm of breeding age.
I can't believe this.
We stuck our sex junk into each other.
Ohh.
- What?! - So what? So what?! You're married! You lied to me.
You're a liar.
Like Jim Carrey in that movie "I Can't Stop Fibbing Man.
" What? Maybe it was the New Zealand title.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Marriage is a holy commitment.
- Amen.
- You can't just toss it aside like a dirty [BLEEP.]
rag.
Amen? I would never have cheated on my ex-wife when I was married to her.
Now I just feel disgusting! Wait.
You were married? Yes, I was married.
Not that you'd care, any of you, 'cause none of you give a shit about Steve! - Well, mm.
- Mm.
First it's all, "Oh, Steve's weird.
" Yeah.
And then it's like, "Oh, Steve's a murderer!" - You are, yeah.
- Yeah.
And now, "Steve's hunger strike is stupid!" Okay, pal.
Just kind of relax, 'cause you're acting insane.
Oh, this is insane, is it? I don't think so.
You haven't seen insane yet.
This is insane! Aaah! Whoo! Whoo! Hyyyah! Aaah! Caw! Caw! No, no, no, no! [ALL SHOUT.]
JESS: That was the clean one! Good night, sweethearts! [THUMPING.]
Stop! [BREATHING QUICKLY.]
You okay, Jess? No! I'm not okay.
I just woke up on this island, and I'm gonna die tomorrow, and now everyone won't stop screaming.
[CRYING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm just, like, really tired and really hungry.
You know what? After all Jess has been through, maybe we should just let her choose what to eat.
Let her choose what to eat, yep.
I said it, too, so if you thought that was sweet, I was sweet, too.
- That's a great idea, Pack.
- And Todd.
Jess, what do you want? Well - What do you guys want? - Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- I don't know! You have to pick it.
Ugh, we were so close! Screw it! You know what? I need comfort food.
Let's just Let's just have the old classic oatmeal and trout.
- Oatmeal and trout?! - Eww! - How about - How about chicken? Everybody loves chicken, right? I'm sorry.
Flo? Fine with me.
I'm willing to compromise just to finish this.
All right, so, what kind of chicken do we want? Do we want nuggs? Do we want wings? Tikka masala? Let's keep it simple Grilled chicken, huh? Oh, oh, what about fried, right? Like Momofuku-good fried? - Mmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
One final vote.
Grilled or fried chicken, and then we're done, okay? Owen, grilled or fried? Whichever.
I don't care.
You have to care.
It's for the vote.
Just pick one.
What does it matter? It's the same thing either way.
It's chicken.
It's like Democrats or Republicans.
Democrats and Republicans are not the same thing.
Yeah, they are.
Okay, guys, maybe we shouldn't talk about politics? Either way, it's the upper class that's ruling everything.
[CHUCKLING.]
I mean, if you don't think that we're living in an oligarchy, you need to wake up.
So which way do you vote? Oh, I don't vote.
What?! So, you've never voted, like, ever? - Uh, no.
- Not even for Obama? Oh, my God.
This is bonkers.
You're bonkers! This is crazy! I really don't see what the big deal is.
Clearly you don't.
Okay, even if the whole system wasn't rigged for the banks Which it is It's just one vote.
It doesn't make a difference either way.
Every vote matters.
That's the whole point of democracy.
Okay.
I have a question for you.
- Um, is it soft? - Is what soft? The wool that's been pulled over your eyes! - Ohh! - Ohh! Okay, okay.
I vote we change the subject.
Right, get it? So, uh, chicken, huh? - I love - Shh! What about local elections? Your one vote could decide where your local taxes go.
Have you thought about that, or are you too selfish? Wrong again.
I don't pay local taxes.
Yes, you do.
We all do.
Not if you live in a van.
You live in a van? Yeah, I do, okay? I was traveling so much as a flight attendant, it's like, why am I shelling out for an apartment that I'm never in? With the van, I save money on taxes and rent, and I get to shower at the airline gym.
- Gross.
- Dude.
You're homeless? No, I am a citizen of the world.
Who doesn't vote and sleeps in a car.
It's a van! This is just classic white male privilege.
Well, how about that classic white meat chicken, right? Okay, if anyone here is privileged, it's you.
And don't get all high and mighty with me just 'cause you voted for "Obama bin Laden.
" - What?! - Hello! Excuse me, what are you talking about? Oh, crack a book.
You know what? I thought you were a good guy.
But, apparently, that's just Island Owen, because the real Owen from back home is a friggin' dirtbag.
Well, maybe you shouldn't be with any Owen.
- Fine by me! - Fine by me! [LAUGHS.]
I can't believe this.
I'm just glad I've got somebody to talk to.
I hear that, and I hear you.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You know, I really thought that Todd douche was gonna kill you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, he's not, like, the biggest guy, but his arms are pretty buffed.
If he really got to the point of raging out, yikes.
But whatever.
Who cares about him? - [LAUGHING.]
Right.
- Right? - Who cares? - Mm-hmm.
[SPITS.]
Hey, man.
People are starting to turn on each other.
You know what I think they need? Classic Owen speech Rally the troops, you know? - [CHUCKLES.]
- You know what? I am done trying to lead these people.
If you want a speech, Danny, you make it.
Um.
Hi, everyone.
Can I get your attention, please? Thank you.
I know we're all a bit freaked out with the whole Hunt hanging over our heads, but we got to remember that we are family, and every family has its low moments, whether that's your parents getting divorced or your sister blowing up your dad with a golf cart.
The point is, instead of dwelling on the lows, I'd rather focus on the highs.
Like the fact that we've all made it this far together! You know, when we landed on this island, I had a vision of all of us in the future.
It was like the end of one of those "Fast & Furious" movies where you can tell that the crew has been through some shit but they came out of it together because they are a family.
OWEN: Yeah, but that's just a movie.
And we're not a family.
We're just a bunch of strangers who had the shitty luck of getting on the same plane.
Maybe we were strangers, but If we're not strangers, what's my last name? Uhh.
Owen Wilson? You think that my name is Owen Wilson, like the movie star? - Wahlberg? - Wahlburger.
Wallbanger.
Owen Harvey Wallbanger.
Hold up.
Does anyone know any of our last names? See? We're no one to each other.
MARTHA: Dinner is served.
We never settled on anything.
I did.
And it's oatmeal and trout.
PACK: Are you serious? - Ugh! - Ugh! - What? - Oatmeal and trout? You had her make oatmeal and trout for all of us? Well, you heard Owen.
We're strangers.
So screw you people.
Every man for himself.
- The hell is wrong with you? - Nobody wants that! [INDISTINCT YELLING.]
- It's all we've got! - It's fine.
Okay.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
[BIRD CAWS.]