1000 Ways to Die s03e06 Episode Script

Come to me.
MALE ANNOUNCER: you're about to enter a world Where stupidity - [LAUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: bad behavior, And poor judgment are rewarded withdeath.
Like the movie star who got sucked - [GROANS.]
ANNOUNCER: down under.
Aah! ANNOUNCER: or the street baller who got too much hang time.
There's the nutless monkey Who reflected poorly on himself.
[LAUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: and the robot that turned on its creator.
Aah! ANNOUNCER: we've got a guy who stuck it In the wrong socket, And a freaky chick who made men sick.
[VOMITING.]
ANNOUNCER: if you want to know what not to do damn it, alex! ANNOUNCER: just watch this next episode Of 1000 ways to die.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Death is everywhere.
[SCREAMS.]
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
[HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH.]
Every day, we fight a new war against germs, Toxins, Injury, Illness, And catastrophe.
[SIREN WAILS.]
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, We face alex was an electronics whiz kid Who could have gone to any top college in the country.
[ROBOT WHIRRING.]
Yeah! [LAUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: he spent most of his time Breaking stuff and torturing his parents.
[SAW BUZZING.]
Damn it, alex! ANNOUNCER: but getting on his mother's nerves Was getting old.
He needed something more, Like putting the brain of a robotic vacuum cleaner Into his homemade destruction bot.
That would be dangerous and wrong.
Alex got to work.
- We're not quite close enough for robots Who think by themselves yet.
You can program a robot to do independent tasks, And they can do multiple tasks, But to be able to do a task it had never seen before Or something it's not programmed to do, We're still quite a bit a ways from having something like that.
ANNOUNCER: alex modified his robot By installing the brains, the microprocessor, From the vacuum bot.
The final touch, he gave it eyesMotion sensors.
Alex's robot won't be able to think for itself, But it will do his master's bidding, Destroy anything that moves.
And when alex fired up his first-Generation bot Using his remote, Robotenstein [BLADE WHIRRING.]
Sprung to life.
It had hardened steel blades that rotated At a deadly 3,000 rpm.
[LAUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: it was a pure killer.
Whoo! ANNOUNCER: alex put his soldier to sleep And went about getting his bot ready for another round.
[SENSORS HUMMING.]
A dropped screw awoke the sleeping monster, And before he could pull its plug, Alex's killer robot took its master apart aah! Aah! ANNOUNCER: piece by piece.
[SCREAMING.]
- A deep laceration from a spinning lawn mower blade Could cut deeply into the abdomen And actually can cut the artery, The aorta, which carries all the blood To the lower part of your body.
You can bleed out in about 30 seconds.
ANNOUNCER: instead of giving his robot a brain aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! ANNOUNCER: he should have put his own to better use.
Tom and tammy were your average couple in love.
They went to the movies, they took long walks, But unlike other couples, They had dirty sex everywhere they could.
These hedonistic horn dogs were hardcore exhibitionists, Who liked to get off in public.
To add a little more punch to their sex life, Tom had added a secret weapon to his weapon.
- You want to meet prince albert? - A prince alert is a genital piercing for a male.
And it basically enters Through the top of the urethra And exits at the bottom of the penis.
So it would pretty much look like this.
ANNOUNCER: one afternoon, the al dente lovebirds Decided to get it on on a power transformer.
In general, not a good idea.
More specifically, it was a really bad idea, Because this transformer was old and defective.
As soon as prince albert met lord transformer [ELECTRICAL CURRENT CRACKLING.]
Master tom had a premature electrocution.
Aah! - A piercing, because it's metal, Makes a good contact and a good conductor, So it provides a very good entrance point.
Electricity is essentially Trying to find its path back to ground, So if you touch that case, And they didn't have a good ground contact on that case, Your feet would become the ground.
ANNOUNCER: tammy didn't get laid, But she did get lucky.
Her feet weren't on the ground To complete the circuit, And she felt little more than a tingle.
- In this case, when contact with the transformer was made, The current flowed through his bloodstream, Starting in his pelvis And ascending up the aorta into his heart.
The current then likely stopped his heart.
ANNOUNCER: a wise man once said, "He who makes love to girl with pierced penis On top of electric transformer Is in for a big shock.
" [ELECTRICAL CURRENT CRACKLING.]
Aah! ANNOUNCER: word up, wise man.
Coming up, when your time's up, Not even houdini can escape.
And - Come to me.
ANNOUNCER: this hottie liked to blow chunks.
ANNOUNCER: in the 1920S, The highest paid entertainer in all of show business Was an escape artist named harry houdini.
A hungarian immigrant, Houdini wowed audiences around the world By freeing himself From all kinds of death-Defying scenarios.
- Harry houdini was arguably The greatest showman of all time, And probably one of the best marketing geniuses.
Everything he did was an illusion That was crafted specifically To give him as much success and respectability as possible.
ANNOUNCER: stardom can go to one's head, And houdini was no exception.
He thrived on the worship of his fans And came to believe in his own invincibility.
And then one day, a fan dropped by To see if the great houdini was everything he'd heard.
A couple of sharp punches to the midsection, And the fan walked away satisfied.
But those seemingly harmless punches Had just set in motion houdini's death clock.
A few days later after finishing up his road trip, Houdini collapsed onto the stage.
He died two days later in a hospital bed.
Houdini had been suffering from appendicitis.
He thought it was nothing more than a stomach ache.
- Harry died from overwhelming septic shock.
His appendix was like an oblong balloon, Filled with a bunch of pus and bacteria.
Then the punch right at that area that he received Was enough to burst all the contents Throughout his peritoneal cavity.
Eventually, all these organs would fail The kidneys, the lungs, the heart, And then, it's lights out.
ANNOUNCER: houdini should have known.
You can escape from just about anything except your own fate.
[CHEERING.]
Suki would stand out in any crowd, Not because of her good looks or winning personality.
[MOANING.]
ANNOUNCER: what sets this strange bird Apart from the flock Is that she's an emetophiliac.
- Give it to me.
- What? Give it to me.
ANNOUNCER: that means she has an overwhelming desire To be vomited on.
Blow chunks on me.
- No.
- Yes, come on! - Pukey suki was her nickname, And she could only get it on when someone got it on her.
Come on! Oh, yes! You're sick! - Come back! I want more! You freak! - Emetophilia is an example of a paraphilia.
A paraphilia is an abnormal sexual arousal To an object or a person or to a situation.
Well, if someone happens to vomit While you're having sex with them, You have intense sexual pleasure Paired with the vomit.
ANNOUNCER: if you can believe it, Suki's had a hard time finding dates.
That's why she's here at a hot dog eating competition.
What better place to find her cool hand puke.
[WHISTLES TWEETS.]
The winner.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
ANNOUNCER: suki had her eye on the winner, Jiro tanaka.
That giant wad in his [STOMACH GURGLES.]
stomach Was making her horny.
She was hoping his purge could satisfy her urge.
Now, here's something you don't see every day: An emetophiliac ambush.
- Come here, you wiener eater.
Come to me.
Uh, excuse me.
- You got something good in there for me? - No, i don't know.
- Yes, you do.
Hmm? - Give it to me.
Vomit on me.
ANNOUNCER: with her hand down his throat, The helpless jiro became a human vomit comet.
[STOMACH RUMBLING.]
Suki was in pukey heaven, But she bit off more than she could chew.
Jiro blew chunks like there was no tomorrow, And for suki, there wasn't.
[COUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: several undigested pieces of hot dog Got lodged in her throat, Choking barfarella to death.
- Hot dogs are a significant cause of choking deaths, Because hot dogs can range in size Anywhere from a couple of inches To up to four inches in diameter.
The human trachea, on the other hand, Averages 2 to 2.
5 centimeters in diameter, And in this case, the half-Eaten hot dogs Formed the perfect esophageal plug, Which caused her to lose consciousness Within a minute or two.
Come on! ANNOUNCER: suki was a grade "a" freak! ANNOUNCER: but of all the deaths we've covered On 1000 ways to die, This one was the hardest to swallow.
Up next mirror, mirror on the wall, This guy's the biggest jerk of all.
[LAUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: and a pickup game turns into a death match.
[CHOKING.]
ANNOUNCER: he was born with all his fingers and toes, He wasn't dropped on his head as a baby, But for reasons even his parents can't fathom, Benny grew up to be a total a-Hole.
A good day for benny was destroying somebody's car, Or cracking open someone's skull.
The meaner his pranks were, The more fun benny had.
Even a simple mirror became a weapon For this neighborhood punk terrorist.
- Come on, you stupid son of a bitch.
Come on.
Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Drive safely! ANNOUNCER: benny blasted anyone Who dared drive down his street.
- By varying the angle of the mirror With respect to the incoming ray, You're controlling the angle of reflected wave, And, therefore, you can, uh, Aim it at the eyes of a driver.
Over 97% of the light is reflected.
- Like shooting fish in a barrel.
ANNOUNCER: the mirror was stupid fun For this crapulous creep.
Got a present for you.
ANNOUNCER: but what benny really wanted Was to cause a wreck.
He angled the mirror just right.
- [LAUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: the blinding light hit the perfect spot, And benny finally got his wish.
Or whoa! ANNOUNCER: he finally got what was coming to him.
In this situation, There was such significant blunt injury, A lot of it was transmitted To the back part of his skull.
This created a fracture, Which allowed for brain tissue to erupt.
Death occurred within seconds.
- Come on, you stupid son of a bitch.
Come on! ANNOUNCER: sometimes when people are as big a jerk as benny [TIRES SQUEAL.]
- I have a present for you.
ANNOUNCER: you don't have to wish them harm.
They'll just take care of it themselves.
Whoa! ANNOUNCER: headbands, high socks, and tiny shorts.
No, this isn't a bad dream.
This was '80S basketball.
Patrolling the streets on a stolen kids' bike, Rodney white was a one-Man dream team, At least in his own tiny head.
- Time-Out! Time-Out! You're injured.
ANNOUNCER: rodney was a loudmouth bully Who had gotten kicked out of every pickup game in town.
Let's go, let's go.
I'm team captain.
ANNOUNCER: but he was always able to find Another bunch of ballers He could work his lame jive on.
Come on, scrub! - Players that talk a lot of trash And don't have the game to back it up, That's one of the main issues in basketball.
There is a code of conduct on the court.
A guy like rodney that would talk trash That don't really have ball skills, Push them out the way, Make them not come back no more.
ANNOUNCER: rodney's favorite move Was something he called the nutcracker.
- Ow! - Whoo! Ha ha! ANNOUNCER: the showboating creep Hung from the rim, lording it over the others.
Ah ha ha! - Get down! Let's play ball! ANNOUNCER: until he dropped and his necklace became a noose.
When someone's hung, There's a significant amount of force That's generated in the neck as they fall, And then they stop, causing compression Or severing the cervical spine.
Without that, the patient stops breathing and dies.
ANNOUNCER: his neck snapped, And within 20 seconds, he was dead.
Rodney was a bully on the court that's a foul, man! ANNOUNCER: who couldn't even jump worth a damn.
Ha ha! ANNOUNCER: but at least in the end he got some great hang time.
ANNOUNCER: want to see a hollywood egomaniac Go down the drain? - Aah! Aah! ANNOUNCER: stick around.
ANNOUNCER: when you boil it down, This show is about cosmic justice.
Oh! ANNOUNCER: people get what's coming to them.
You idiot! ANNOUNCER: for this next story [LOUD ZAP.]
We asked the cosmos if there was anyone Who might have slipped through the cracks, Someone who deserves a karmic ass kicking, Style.
Here's how the cosmos responded.
Say hello to max.
- Huh?! ANNOUNCER: he's a big-Time movie star.
You fell asleep While i was waiting for a [BLEEP.]
job! ANNOUNCER: he had fame, money - Do you hear me? ANNOUNCER: and he was still nasty son of a bitch.
- You make me just want to vomit! ANNOUNCER: even earlier in his career, His temper was lethal.
- Hey, can i take my picture with you? - What are you a [BLEEP.]
paparazzi? Someone who has everything, In this case a celebrity, Feels a sense of power and entitlement.
Their mentality is, i can do whatever i want And say whatever i want.
And it's dangerous, Because, eventually, they're going to spin out of control.
[SIREN WAILS.]
ANNOUNCER: another one of max's endearing qualities good afternoon, sir.
Your license and registration, please.
ANNOUNCER: he was a flat out racist.
Are you a jew? Hello? You whore! ANNOUNCER: max's new girlfriend Was fond of recording his rants.
Nobody would believe her.
You're such a whore.
I expect a [BLEEP.]
job in ten minutes! ANNOUNCER: max thought he was going to get his wish there is the jacuzzi, Here is my penis! Get naked now! ANNOUNCER: but the girlfriend blew him off instead.
- Let's go! - No! I'm not going in there with you.
ANNOUNCER: max wanted a good suck.
- I do not like the way you Ahh! ANNOUNCER: but this was more than he bargained for.
[GROANING.]
ANNOUNCER: he sat on the hot tub's water intake In a way that formed a perfect seal With his rectum.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Somebody help! Aah! - When the pool drainage sucked out his intestines, It started ripping out organs Which attach to the intestines.
In succession, it ripped out the large intestines, Small intestine, liver, kidneys, spleen, And he bled to death, Because of massive exsanguination.
[WHIMPERS.]
ANNOUNCER: this story is based on a real death.
It just didn't happen to this guy we called max.
- What are you, a [BLEEP.]
paparazzi? ANNOUNCER: if he was real And ready to learn from his mistakes, Here's what we'd tell him.
- You make me just want to vomit! ANNOUNCER: there's no rule that says Hollywood stars have to become jerks.
Here is my penis! Are you a jew? You whore! ANNOUNCER: but if they do, Be forewarned we love to watch your careers go down the drain.
Aah!