A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s03e06 Episode Script

Yeah, girl, I had to park six blocks away.
My sister doesn't let anyone park in front of her house in case her man decides to come back.
So, now I'm just walking down this dark, unsafe alley.
Hello? Damn it! No, I am too fertile to die.
Those bad ass kids fryin' bacon on my radiator again? You guys, I told you just because something is hot doesn't mean it's a grill.
What is that smell? Look at you over there all dark and lovely.
- What? - Prepare to fry.
- It burns.
- Lye.
No, for real.
It's burning.
No, Lye, that's how you know it's working.
No! My chemically-smooth follicles! This is what I get for leaving that penny on tails the other day.
Wait.
Who's there? I don't have any money.
My Civil Rights-themed denim line did not take off the way I expected.
Kanekalon! No, don't put no spells on me.
Kanekalon! The highest quality pre-stretched 1B! Hair like this can only be purchased online.
Knotted or knotless, my wrath is unbreakable.
No! Don't leave me here! Another abandoned box braid in the street! Your kitchen is no match for these hands.
This kink is indestructible.
It's been trimmed, treated, and deep conditioned.
Stay away.
I am very humid.
Where I once was new growth, I am now wise strength, the strongest, truest form.
You're not going anywhere now.
I think we need to get something straight.
Look who it is.
My natural enemy.
I may be weak, but it'll take you years to get rid of me.
Honey, it'll take you more than Just For Me to get rid of me.
Can your transitioning hair fight the elements? Introducing Rain Fighter 1B, the video game that puts your follicles to the test.
Yes! Fuck you, rain.
It isn't personal, it's strictly frizz-ness.
Rated T for texture.
What in the Coachella is this? I think it's an inauguration.
Shit.
Maybe we went back in time to Obama's first one.
God, I hope so.
I really need a do over, I wore all the wrong footwear that day.
I'm not even sure I was born yet.
What year was that again? - Skye - Well, that's not Obama.
Who is that? See, see, see, grand rising my fellow Nubian kings and queens.
Grand rising? What are we, biscuits? Now, as you already know, I'm Dr.
Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
Or as you can now call me President Dr.
Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
- Pre? That's not a thing.
- President? No really, what year was that? Was "Moana" out yet? Delilah, you put your foot up in these stuffed pork chops and you know how much I love feet.
Eat up, Autumn, I'm sure they're not giving you home cooking like this on campus.
No.
But I also don't have to hear about my father's foot fetish.
Gross.
Sorry, Gabby.
No, don't be.
Anyway these pork chops are bomb! Wilbur? I hardly knew her.
You get it? Pig? Sorry, I'm a standup comedy major and we haven't really gotten to punch lines yet.
Thanks Mom and Dad, but I didn't come just to eat dinner.
I have something to tell you guys.
I love you and I hope you still love me after you learn this.
I'm gay.
You got to be kidding me.
That's disgusting.
Me and Sawyer have worked too hard to make this a nice place to live.
We don't have that under this roof.
Okay.
I don't know how I thought this was gonna go, but this was not it.
Out of my house.
I want it out of my house now.
You know what? Let's just go, Autumn.
I'm not a JoJo single.
You only have to ask me to leave once.
It? Jeez, mom, I'm still your daughter, nothing's changed.
You know, actually some things have changed.
This dress, this is like a straightjacket for me.
As you can see from my formal athletic wear there's nothing straight about me.
Lord have mercy, I done lost my appetite.
The audacity.
Coming into my house trying to eat my food.
Mom, sit down! It's not contagious.
I just don't wanna cosplay as a Midwestern straight woman.
I don't want to wear Gucci.
I want to wear out coochie.
They are so hairy.
Yeah.
I haven't shaved my armpits in a while, but that's not because I'm gay, I'm just lazy.
And, you know what? Gabby is not just my roommate.
She's my girlfriend.
We're in love.
Oh my God, it is two of them! It's looking at me.
It can't stop looking at me! It's looking at me too! It's looking at both of us.
- It's looking at me, too.
- You know what, Mom and Dad? I just wanted you to know the real me, but today I got to know the real you.
I hated lying to you guys, but now I wish I could just take it all back.
Come on, Autumn.
We should get out of here! Yeah, you're right.
We should just go.
Shit! Tarantulas? Is that what you were yelling about? I thought you were mad at me because I'm gay.
Honey, we always knew you were gay You always fast forwarded the Nick Cannon parts in "Love Don't Cost a Thing".
Of course, Christina Milian was in that movie.
If you didn't feel comfortable coming out sooner, that's on us.
We're just happy you're telling us now.
Hey mom, hey dad, hey sis, hey sis' friend.
Have you guys seen Sir and Rumi? They got out of their terrarium.
I had to get a new one.
Cool, what did I miss? - I'm gay.
- With me.
What was the news though? I love that we're doing this.
I haven't felt this free since I started wearing cupless bras.
When you said we were starting your birthday month out with an acid trip at a Tierra Whack concert and doing a paper bonfire ritual, I was skeptical.
Me too, but writing down what's holding us back and releasing it into the fire actually feels good.
Look at my lil bonfire babes.
I love y'all.
Just call me a baby shower for your fourth kid 'cause I am doing too much for this birthday.
Damn! Who's Ally? And why don't y'all wanna celebrate her birthday? What the fuck is that? Ally, I love you, but I don't fuck with talking fires.
See, I told you guys we shouldn't be breathing in the fumes from the paper slips.
Shit! Mother nature is wild for this! Yes! Now who you know have a talking fire at their birthday? It's anthropomor-lit.
Wait, wait, don't go.
I'm not here to hurt you.
I'm Fuega.
Okay, Fuega, give us a second.
Somebody's messing with us 'cause this can't possibly be happening.
I like the fire.
She got a warm personality.
Y'all get it? Nah.
I'm legit, look.
Fuck Ally and her birthday bullshit.
Which one of y'all wrote that? Okay, look, it was me.
Look, Ally, l love you.
We all love you, but on your birthdays you always do too much.
I used 14 vacation days to go on your birthday Bigfoot search party.
Come on! It was Chewbacca Flocka Flame! Everybody loves a theme party.
You had us spend two weeks in the woods looking for a nigga that doesn't exist.
A nigga that doesn't exist is a man in his 20's with both a bed frame and more than two towels.
We all know this.
- Big facts.
- This bonfire's turned into a roast.
Come on then, Boston Market.
It's a rotisser-me.
Put some sauce on me, let's go.
That's me.
I'm a little juicy chicken.
I'm tired of celebrating Ally.
We had to put a 1500 dollar deposit on a yacht for tomorrow.
1500 dollars for dancing at sea? Now, I'm not gonna make rent at the end of the month.
I'm still paying off my credit cards from your last birthday, Ally.
You're my little Debt-ie Allen.
Still, my credit's fucked up, so And did you or did you not get 15 DM slides that day? You know who else slid in my DMs? The IRS.
Some of those debt collectors be fine though, girl.
Come on, girl, the IRS can make you an MRS.
I hate that Ally celebrates her birthday for a month straight.
You were born one day, you get one day.
Ally, I love you, and I never thought that would be read out loud.
I wanna support, but after I didn't get picked at your birthday orgy, shit just went real left.
But you were the MVP.
You won the slam dick contest.
Yeah, I did.
But you picked an odd number of people, so when I asked people if I could join, the only thing that answered me was my echo, and it was like, no, no, no.
But I said, yes, yes, yes.
You better own your celibacy, queen.
It's not by choice, It's because I literally can't find anyone to fuck me.
Come on! Every sex marathon needs a Gatorade girl and you killed it.
This is an invasion of privacy.
Please, do not read anything else, Miss Fuega.
No.
You've read stuff from all of us, so now read one of Ally's.
Plot twist.
Come on, roast me, combustion queen.
Come on, Fuega.
Well, let's see here.
There's nobody else I wanna celebrate my birthday with.
I love my girls.
We're the best foursome since The Wiz.
That just makes me feel worse.
I'm sorry.
We're tripping.
Yeah.
Of course we wanna celebrate our girl forever.
- We love you.
- And I love y'all.
Now y'all go on and I'll meet you at Mariah Karaoke.
Okay, get ready.
- Bye, girls.
- Bye, Fuega, it was nice meeting you.
Now you got my money or do you want me to tell 'em what you really wrote? My girls are some broke ass bitches.
I hate they ass.
They wouldn't know a fun birthday if it popped 'em in the damn ass.
Okay.
I see you.
USPS trying to blackmail me.
Well, just call me Jason 'cause I was Bourne for this ultimatum.
Here's your little money, girl.
No! Don't throw the money in the fire! Don't make it rain in the fire! We don't like rain.
Good job, girl.
You tried to force my hand, but your plan went up in smoke.
Wait till you die, bitch.
I can't wait to cremate your ass, extra crispy, and get rid of that dookie braid.
I can't wait till you die so I can burn that braid.
See, see, see, as a self-taught professor, a self-published author.
And a self-proclaimed Nobel Laureate of slam poetry.
How long were we asleep? Not long enough for them to start giving out Nobel Prizes for slam poetry.
Or electing "hertep" presidents.
It's a new day, Africa America.
It's a blacker day.
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
The rock landed on us.
I said Dwayne Johnson is a problem.
Is he Samoan or is he Black? Do you smell what I'm cooking? I mean, bars.
But also, what? I said, for far too long, we sat Idly by while you crushed our dreams and pressed our hair, but no more.
See, see, see, for the last decade I've been secretly running the Millstone Coffee Corporation.
That's right, be shocked.
Who Millstone? This Millstone? While you were getting your caffeine fix, you were actually funding my shadow organization.
That's right.
You all thought I was a poor prophet, but indeed I've been plotting this whole time.
It's a conspiracy people, that's what I'm trying to say, perpetrated by me.
With your money, I've been able to mind control four Black women into thinking it was the end of the world.
I think she's talking about us.
Is she talking about us? But in truth, I helped them discover their higher selves and the door to freedom that has always been open to them.
Triple word score.
Zootaxy.
You can look it up later.
You about to lose, Nephew.
I'm not gonna lie, Unc, it's been a minute since I spelled in public.
Clearly.
That brings us to Team Ronald, me, 232, and the losing team, Team Nate, that's you, 102.
You need to make some bolder choices, son.
Like when Prince had his ass cheeks out even when he knew he had leather seats in his little red Corvette.
Yeah, it was probably sticky as hell.
I know my sister's baby boy did not come up in my house and spell the word of our oppressors.
You told me to make bolder choices, okay? I only had a N and a J, and jigger wouldn't work 'cause last round, you said no Jay-Z vocabulary when I wanted to play uh-hah-uh-hah.
Jigger is a word.
And J counts for eight points.
What is a jigger? A nigga who jogs? That sounds even more racist.
Did you hear that? What, grandma's ghost humming "The Jefferson's" theme song? Shit! You must've left another pot on the stove.
No, no.
It's the crowd yelling: "Triple word score.
" I must be an extra in Thriller, 'cause I'm dancing on your grave, It ought to be Illegal whooping your ass like this.
- I'ma call the cops on myself.
- See? This is why no one likes coming over here.
You take the fun out of everything.
Like when we were kids, you made us play Mouse Trap with an actual mouse trap.
What, you think I wanted kids and vermin in my house? Man up.
Play.
Jigaboo? You just said J was worth eight points.
I'm just trying to respect the player and the game.
Well, if you want my respect, why don't you play some word don't make me wanna pop you in your mouth? Jigaboos? You just made it plural.
I'm capitalizing on your ignorance.
Thirty-six points.
You better act like a low-cal TV dinner and make a smart choice.
What you mean? Fool, I've been playing this game since Sade made the forehead sexy.
I know all the point values on this grid.
I know every tile that's in that bag, and I know you holding an N.
You be putting me under too much pressure.
Like, when I was six, you made me confess to murder when I lost Hangman.
I really thought I was going to jail.
But you didn't.
Scared you straight.
You're welcome.
So what you gonna do now, Nate? You gonna make like a KFC biscuit and choke? Or you gonna look me in my Black-ass face and play the word "coon" in my motherfucking house? Damn it, Unc.
You know I can't beat you at Scrabble.
You making me do all this for a car loan? If you didn't wanna co-sign, you could've just said no.
But why say no when you can play no? You know what? Screw it.
I'm done.
I'ma get a real job.
I'd rather work for the man than play these dumbass games with you.
You too good at them anyway.
It's weird.
No one is this good at games.
I swear, you be cheating, too.
Begging-ass Nate becomes working-ass Nate.
Told you I'd watch out for him.
You trying to buy a phone charger? I got them shits in pink, purple, green, cerulean blue, turquoise, sepia.
Fuck with me.
Good morning, adventurers! I'm Sharita Jackson, your guide.
Welcome to Straight Outta Doors, where we may not be a cappin', but we sure are campin'! I cannot wait to make life-lasting bonds with all of y'all on this one-day program.
I'm here to show you that despite what your mama taught you, smelling like outside could actually be a good thing.
What was that? That's just a fly.
Rule number one in my nature survival guide, "It's Not That Serious, It's Just Outside".
Critics said it would've made Oprah's Book Club if she would've read It.
So we pluggin' books now? I got signed copies of my new book, "Beep, Beep, Boom, Boom, I'm from the Bronx Nigga.
" 25 dollars.
Well, as informative as that sounds, let's all go around and say our names and why you wanna thrive in the outside.
I'm Dre.
I'm a Sagittarius, so I'm freaky.
I'm from the Bronx, and now that my house arrest is over, my girl said I had to do something outside in the dirt.
She sounds like a winner.
She got a fat booty, so she is.
Thank you.
- That's wonderful.
- I'm Loretta and What is that? It's just a fly.
Rule number one.
My fear of the outdoors has gone too far.
I was at a backyard barbecue and my mom offered me some potato salad and I yelled: "Fuck you! No!" And she slapped me.
But I was just yelling at an ant that I saw.
Well, by the time I get done with you, the next time you see an insect, you're gonna say, "Fuck yes!" So It could crawl into my mouth and eat my organs? No, thank you.
They don't do that.
Hi, my name is Zoe-Kate.
What's your name? Zoe-Kate.
What are you doing? Well, I was hearing little noises coming from this here bush.
I figure it's an opportunity to make myself a new friend.
Well, you know what? That brings us to rule number two.
If something makes a noise, don't talk to it.
That's a good idea! I'll sing to it.
Please don't.
Which brings us to our final rule.
No, no, no.
Do not bring the hot wings into the woods.
A bear will rip off your head for a flat or a drum, okay? So if anyone has wings, just please put them in the fire pit.
But this is only like 30 wings.
Could we just eat 'em real fast? Do you wanna die real fast? Let it go.
Thank you.
All right.
Now let's put it in the fire pit.
Everybody's wings in.
In the pit.
- Just so you know, these are flats.
- Thank you.
- All the good stuff there.
- Come on, Dre.
Put them in.
Nah, son.
I square up with a bear over my lemon pepper.
- Dre, put them in the pit.
- Nah.
- Take your wings, put them in there.
- Nah.
Dre, take the wings, put them in the pit.
- It's not gonna happen.
- She said there's bears.
- There's no bears.
- Put the wings on the fire! Okay, now that everyone has their protective gear on, are we all ready to take a dip in the creek? - Nice vest, Dre.
- Thanks.
It's bulletproof.
Let's all take off our socks and shoes in preparation to get our feet wet! A Bronx nigga never takes off her socks.
Okay, is everybody ready to go to the creek? Are there any sharks? To recap, there are no sharks.
There are no bodies.
There is no treasure, there are no pirates.
It's only three inches of water and you cannot drown.
Ready? Something grazed my feet! We're not even in the creek yet! Well, today has been challenging.
But I refuse to give up.
- No, fuck! - You tryna throw hands nigga-fly? Beep, beep, boom, boom, I'm from the Bronx, nigga.
Rule number one.
Be my friend, fly.
You can rest on my bosom, fly.
Let's go! Okay, fine! Fine, Universe, you're right! We're not meant to be outside.
Fifth and Decatur, I'm in yo' hood, I seen a fine man, here to see what's good.
Where you at? Hello, Octavia.
Justine? How did you get here so fast? I taught you had a spin, not how to drift race.
Your bike is no match for my Maserati.
Just like my ex-fiancé Jericho is no match for you.
Mostly because he doesn't exist.
But then again, neither does Justine.
What? You dead? You literally ghost rode the whip to beat me here? What are you saying? Why are you behind a box? Where'd you go? What? Your wig has a protective style? Who are you? Quiet.
I'm Trinity, the CIA's top agent.
I'm here on a mission to capture three of the biggest arms dealers in the US.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Trinity.
But what's that got to do with me? My man's all I came to see.
I rode here just to get the "D".
Quiet! Busted Rhymes.
Get over here.
If we don't have the boxes, then we're not gonna have no shipment.
Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns.
Yes, I need more guns.
That is why I lured you here.
Usually around men, I go undetected like HPV.
But not them.
They see me for who I am.
My ex, Keedrick, used to see me for who I was till he start seeing other women for who they were Hoes! You're not getting it.
Watch.
Don't go out there.
They got guns! Hold on now.
Okay, Miss Natural Face, Miss Glossier! Honey, girl, you know you look good.
Come on, Juneteenth outfit serving Black-only at the cookout.
I'm sorry, I'm in the wrong warehouse.
No, no, no.
You good.
Come kick it with us, cutie.
You like guns? Nah, it's cool, sis.
Now I'm done.
Those strong men got lots of guns.
Bye.
Not so fast.
Usually being regular is my superpower, but it doesn't work on them.
That's why you dress as that thot, Justine.
That was just to get you here, idiot.
They love me no matter what l look like.
I've been tracking them for three months and they only put their guns down to workout.
I need you to distract them with exercise.
Me? Nah, these abs, ass, and thighs ain't free.
Tell me what's in it for me? - Fifty-thousand dollars.
- Bet.
Come on.
All right, fellas.
Drop them guns.
Come with me and pop your buns.
Aye! Pop it.
Pop it, come on.
And tell me what is on your mind, I'm trapped here and I got time.
Don't ask why and don't ask when, just tell me your prob-e-lem.
Well, not to be messy, but I've been doin' all the work and all these guys take all the credit.
Nuh-uh, takin' all the credit, shoot these fools and then forget it.
- Hey, let's go.
- You're right, workout lady.
Hey, foot work.
Really, Ronny? Is that what we're doing? 'Cause I'm the one who left home to come out here and do all this arms dealing.
Man, I miss my mama.
N-to the I-to the G-G-A.
Call yo' mama with no delay.
Come on.
You right, fitness sis.
I'ma call my mama.
I said, no delay.
I said no, no, no, no, no delay.
And rock it.
Come on.
Let's work, let's go.
Well, if we making complaints, I don't even like guns.
They are so heavy.
If we just sold drugs like I suggested Dang! We did that.
You like the chicken noodle soup and I'm the soda on the side kick.
Get It? Fifth and Decatur, a tale unfolds, my girl kicked ass and I I didn't get my money.
Where'd y'all go? Where's my fifty thousand? And now, with my plan perfectly in place, I will show all Black women the true path to freedom.
One second.
Yes, hello, my king? How are you gonna take a phone call during your inauguration? What's that? Yes.
Well, just like that, I can no longer be president.
Supreme Rahmeek has informed me that my true place is in the house, not in the White House.
That's the first time I've ever agreed with a man named Rahmeek.
She wasn't even inaugurated.
She was un-naugurated.
De-naugurated.
I'm sorry, but good luck, ladles! Free yourselves.
Do what you want.
have a good time, drink Millstone and stay Black.
- What just happened? - I don't know.
Fuck what just happened.
I think the door's open.
Wait, it could be a trap.
She's right.
We have no idea which world we're walking into.
Does it matter? No.
As long as we're together.
Let's go.
As long as we eat first.
Yes, girl.
Please.
Absolutely.
All that money on mind control, they couldn't even feed us? I call shotgun.
Call shotgun how? We got kidnapped.
Who's gonna look better than you dancing on the yacht? You're my little Janelle No-Money.
Look at you, all dark-skinned and queer.
Come on.
Don't act like you don't like to dance next to water, bitch.
- I do.
I'm an Aquarius.
- Show me them shoulders.
Let's just go, Autumn.
I'm not an NSYNC song, okay? You only need to say bye to me once.
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
Chris Rock landed on us! We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Roc Nation landed on us.
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
The sitcom, Roc, landed on us.
Where even is Samoa? I don't know geography.
I don't even believe in geography.
Think about it.
Geography breaks down to geo, as in a Geo Metro.
They want you to crash in a little tiny car.
Rap, obviously.
Trying to take out hip-hop.
And fee? They want us to pay.
It's a conspiracy! I might be allergic to tarantulas 'cause I bought 'em and immediately fell asleep.
Let's play tic-tac-guns.
I had a full ride to Harvard.