A.N.T. Farm (2011) s03e06 Episode Script

Hey, Angus! I need to talk to you.
[Inhales sharply.]
Whee! Okay.
Two things.
One, bless you.
And two, what the heck kind of sneeze was that? That wasn't a sneeze.
I don't sneeze like that.
I'm a man! Whee! [Chuckles.]
Okay, well, cover your mouth when you don't sneeze! Anyway, I have a great idea for a new app.
Here we go.
Everyone thinks they have a great idea for an app.
It's like, I'm just trying to have lunch here, mom, and now you've made it awkward.
Do you even know the first thing about writing software? How hard can it be? How hard can it be? Really hard! Harder than writing some silly song! Well, I'll have you know that my dub-step remix of "Silly Song" is huge in Taiwan! [Scoffs.]
Chyna! There you are! We have major problems! Listen to this.
We are under attack! [Beeps.]
[Harp playing.]
We're being attacked by Angels? No! Hashimoto Mobile has come out with the most downloaded text alert in history.
That's why I need my musical prodigy to compose the catchiest, most memorable text alert ever.
Huh? [Laughs.]
Cool! I would love to do it.
[Harp playing.]
I think you just got a text.
No, I didn't.
Which can only mean one thing.
[Screams.]
People! We are under attack by Angels! Prepare yourselves! This place is about to become A living heaven! Oops! [Chuckles.]
[Phone beeps.]
My mistake.
I did get a text.
From Dr.
Novine.
He wants to cancel my counseling session today.
Oh, text him back.
That cannot happen.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh.
Doo, doo.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh.
Doo, doo.
Woo! Everybody's got that thing.
Something different, we all bring.
Don't you let 'em, clip your wings.
You got it! You got it! We're on fire and we blaze, in extraordinary ways.
365 days.
We got it! We got it! You can dream it.
You can be it.
If you can feel it, you can believe it! Because I am, you are, we are Exceptional.
Exceptional! Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional.
Exceptional! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
Woo! [Sighs deeply.]
[Sighs loudly.]
[Sighs dramatically.]
Olive, what? Well, since you won't let it go, I'm all out of reading material.
I've read all my textbooks, all the books in the library, and just now, the entire Internet.
And I have to say, World Wide Web, quite a few typos.
Well, if you want something to read, read my lips.
Look, I need constant intellectual stimulation.
If you want to keep your mind busy, how about I give you a brain teaser? [Scoffs.]
You know a brain teaser? How quaint.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Lay it on me, Teaser of Brains.
Okay.
In an Egyptian Villa, Anthony and Cleopatra are lying dead.
Caesar stands over them.
Nearby is a broken glass, and the floor is wet.
Caesar never laid a hand on them and they have not been poisoned.
How did they die? Olive? Yes, Fletcher? Do you know the answer? I'm thinking.
- Do you want a hint? - No, I don't want a hint! Hints are for the weak and the witless! When have you ever known me to take a hint? Certainly not two minutes ago when I ignored three of your sighs.
Okay, Mr.
Grundy, I think you're really going to like what I've come up with.
I call this one Untitled Text Alert.
I'm really bad with titles.
[Strumming basic chords.]
[Chuckles.]
Ah! It's so evocative.
It reminds me of the time when I was seven years old at my favorite Amusement Park, the Wellington World of Whimsy.
Great! When suddenly, I got separated from my Mother.
Tears in my eyes, lost and alone, I cried out, Mother! Mother! Where are you, Mother? Why have you forsaken me? [Sobbing.]
So, you love it? [Sputters.]
I call this one Another Untitled Text Alert.
[Playing soulful jazz music.]
[Chuckles.]
That sounds like a warm cup of homemade cocoa.
My grandmother drowned in a cup of cocoa.
[Playing simple melody.]
That is scandalously inappropriate! You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady! [Playing softly.]
[Chuckles.]
Are you making fun of me? Sir, maybe if you give me an idea of what you're looking for, I can Not make you cry again.
I don't know what I'm looking for.
But I'll know it when I hear it.
[Sneeze building.]
Whee! That's it! That's my new text alert! Both: It is? Yes! How did you come up with that catchy sound? - No, all he did was - [Chuckling.]
What can I say? I've got so much talent, it's coming out of my nose.
[Laughs.]
You're also incredibly witty.
Uh, Mr.
Grundy, please, just let me play you a couple more options.
I have one you're really gonna love called Witty Untitled Text Alert that Doesn't Remind You of Your Dead Grandmother.
Sorry, Chyna.
You had your chance.
I guess you were just in over your head.
Much like granny when she ordered that large cocoa.
[Stifling sob.]
[Squeals.]
Wow.
Maybe you should write an app you could use to see the shocked look on your face.
You mean a mirror? Ooh! I'd buy that app.
[Cellphones whee-ing.]
Cheers, prodigies! I am over the moon with joy.
In fact, I haven't been this happy since I actually bought the moon.
And then went over it.
With joy.
[Chuckles.]
What are you so happy about? The new zPhone sales are through the roof, thanks to the new text alert I commissioned.
It's now the most listened-to sound in history.
Surpassing Happy Birthday, the Beatles And characters on TV saying, hello! I cannot believe he thinks Angus is talented.
It's Angus! Hello! Why are you telling me this? We're not friends.
Hello! Ah! There he is! My main man.
The Maestro! Mr.
Music! These are not nicknames.
I've just temporarily blanked on what your name is.
- Cellphone: Whee.
- I just got a text.
Ah! Seems we just broke all sales records in Europe! Congratulations You! Well, some people have it, and some people are Chyna.
So! Who are your new friends? Oh, they're not my friends.
They're my entourage.
Successful artists like me have people eager to wait on their every need.
Watch.
Old gum! [Spits.]
New gum! Not spearmint! We had a meeting about this.
Well, Angus, I'm glad to see your text alert success hasn't changed you.
No, my entourage changes me.
Which reminds me.
Old shirt! Ah! New shirt! New shirt! So, how's it going with the riddle? Have you figured out how Anthony and Cleopatra died yet? I think so.
I've been doing a lot of research on the history of ancient Egypt, and I think I have discovered a little-known interesting factoid by examining these hieroglyphs.
[Coughing.]
The land of the Pharaohs was devastated by a terrible plague in 30 B.
C.
, so Anthony and Cleopatra must have died after getting horribly sick! See? This is the ancient Egyptian symbol for projectile vomiting.
- Where'd you get that? - From the museum.
You mean the gift shop, right? Okay.
I can't believe you can't solve this riddle! It's so simple.
I got the answer in two seconds.
If you got it, then maybe I just need to think like you.
Duh, Cleopatra go sleep-sleep! Olive, do you know where my blue jacket is? Ah! I can't solve any more mysteries right now! My brain is going to explode! Oh! Here it is.
Underneath this worthless old rock.
[Shattering.]
Ah! Don't worry.
You can just get another one at the gift shop.
Right.
Gift shop.
Angus, what are you doing in here? I'm a musical genius.
I need to be around these musical Doodads.
But you don't even know what any of these instruments are.
Sure I do.
The hobo.
The weird hanger.
And the French-dip horn.
It's called the French Horn, not the French-dip horn.
Then explain why there's a roast beef sandwich in it.
Yo! Guys! You got to get up on this organic honeybell mustard.
You don't know anything about music.
Or French-dip sandwiches.
You want to use a spicy mustard, not a sweet mustard.
Well, if I don't know anything about music, then Why did Mr.
Grundy ask me to write a song for all the new zPhone commercials? What? How could that be? I'm the musical prodigy! This makes no sense! Can we talk about this later? I'm eating.
Old napkin! New napkin! Lexi? You joined Angus's entourage? But you don't even like Angus.
I know.
But I weighed how little I like to spend time with Angus against how much I knew this would irritate you.
Looking at your face now, I see I made the right choice! [Sniffing.]
- Olive? - [Grunting.]
Yeah? What are you doing? I'm doing what all great sleuths do when they are momentarily stumped.
Forget to bathe and descend into madness? No! Lay out all the clues And then approach them with the cold, calculating focus of a TV Detective.
Hello! I can't believe you don't know the answer and I do.
Me! The person you're always making fun of for being dumb.
Well, who's dumber now? Yeah.
Why do you know the answer? It's not because you're smart.
Maybe you did it! Maybe you killed Anthony and Cleopatra and framed Caesar.
Admit it! You killed them because they found out about your pyramid scheme! Uh, so, Angus, now that you're a musical Maestro.
- Why don't you - Hold that thought.
[Shouts.]
Old eye crust! New eye crust! Why would you ask for new eye crust? Because I can.
You were saying? I was saying I'd love to hear the music you've come up with for Mr.
Grundy's new ad campaign.
Well, I don't have anything yet, but just like my text alert, it'll come to me.
It's not hard like writing an app.
Or trying to use one of these weird hangers.
Okay, I get it.
I'm sorry I said writing an app was easy.
But just admit you didn't write any music.
[Snorts.]
Of course I did.
But you just sneezed! And it sounded like a baby leprechaun on a teeter-totter.
Whee! Chyna! I know you're stuck on your old, boring ideas of "Music" made with musical doodads Instruments! They're called instruments! Whatever! But what you mistook for a sneeze was actually a new form of music I call Nasal singing.
Ah.
My mistake.
In fact, since you made such beautiful music with your nose.
Maybe you should compose the song for Mr.
Grundy using the, uh, other sounds that come out of your body.
There are a lot of them.
Yeah! I'm gonna do it! [Elevator dings.]
[Chuckles.]
Mr.
Grundy? You joined his entourage? What? I am the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar corporation.
I don't have time to be in an entourage.
Besides, I'm already in a crew, a posse, and a sewing circle.
Where do you think I made this dope track suit? So, Sparky, how is my song coming? Am I going to love it? [Chuckling.]
Trust me, you're going to be knocked out by his body of work.
I can't wait to hear it.
But I'll have to, because if you're late for sewing circle, they bad-mouth you on a pillow.
Chyna, are you up here crying? You shouldn't be alone.
I want to watch.
I'm not crying.
But Mr.
Grundy's eyes are gonna water when he hears Angus' song.
Trust me.
It's gonna stink.
What did you do? I just tricked Angus into writing a zPhone song that is so embarrassing, he's going to make a huge fool of himself.
Chyna, that is evil.
Unforgivably evil.
I'm so proud of you! No! I'm not being evil.
I'm teaching Angus a lesson.
[Sighs.]
He's a fraud and he does not deserve the success he's getting.
I deserve it.
That's exactly how I feel about all your successes! We're like the same person! Seriously, it's like I'm looking in a mirror.
Well, a fun house mirror.
That's not very fun.
I think you're overstating it.
All I did was a little prank.
You call embarrassing Angus in front of millions of people a little prank? Wait.
What do you mean, millions of people? Mr.
Grundy decided to debut Angus's song at the big Z-Tech presentation.
It's being streamed live all over the world! What? Well, when does it start? - Thursday.
- [Sighs.]
This Thursday.
Today.
It's happening right now.
As you know, our theme Park, Z-Land, has been closed since 2003.
When it was discovered that the haunted house was really haunted.
By asbestos.
But we are proud to finally announce the opening next year Of New Z-Land.
What do you mean, the name's taken? Anyway, here to perform the song for the new zPhone ad campaign! The genius behind our best-selling text alert Big guy! My murderer walks the Earth unpunished! While I, the Queen of Egypt, am tormented by a cockamamie riddle! Olive, there's something different about you.
Have you lost weight? Or your mind? I figured if I act out the riddle, the answer will present itself.
I'm Cleopatra.
You're Anthony.
Lie down, you're dead.
- How did I die? - That's what I'm trying to figure out! Look.
I'm sorry I told you this riddle.
Or ever met you.
Can I please just tell you the answer? Never! I've been trying to solve this non-stop for days! Maybe Cleopatra was having a drink of water Dropped the glass, which startled a basket full of venomous snakes, which leapt out and devoured Anthony's face.
[Snakes hissing.]
Where did you get real snakes? From a zoo 's gift shop.
[Snakes hissing.]
[Screams.]
Look! Look! Cleopatra and Anthony were goldfish in a bowl, which was knocked over by a cat named Caesar! What bowl? You said there was a broken glass on the floor.
No, there's broken glass on the floor.
[Shrieking.]
You said a broken glass! Did I? Huh.
Potato, tomato.
I've limited my thinking to it being a broken glass! Olive, what are you getting so upset about? So I said a glass.
Big deal.
Right.
Let's move on to a new riddle.
A boy is found stuffed in a basket full of snakes.
Who put him there? I did.
[Snakes hissing.]
Ugh! Where is the roomavator? What does this button even do? [Snakes hissing.]
[Hawking phlegm.]
[Elevator dings.]
[Snorting.]
[Pops.]
Oh [Hawking continues.]
This is the worst thing I have ever seen.
And I've seen you star in a musical.
I've got to help him.
[Chuckles.]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I know what you're thinking.
It appears that this poor guy is just up here completely humiliating himself by making random and disgusting bodily noises.
[Gleefully.]
Because he is! [Whispering.]
What are you doing? I'm saving you.
Folks, what he is in fact doing is showing you how, with the new zPhone, you can take disgusting noises and turn them into beautiful music.
So, how about a little bit more of that nasal singing? [Sneeze building.]
Whee! Now, add a little hiccup! [Beeps.]
[Hiccups.]
Now, hit me with the phlegm! [Beeps.]
[Snorts.]
Now smooth it all out with a little bit of mellow armpit.
[Squelching.]
[Chuckles.]
Now, with just a few taps [Hiccupping and squelching rhythmically.]
Whee! [Hiccupping and squelching rhythmically.]
Whee! [Hiccupping and squelching rhythmically.]
Whee! [Hiccupping and squelching rhythmically.]
Whee! Whee! Whee! [Rhythmic snorting begins.]
[Other sounds continue.]
Whee! [Laughs.]
[Cheering.]
That was a great song Angus.
His name is Angus.
And I agree.
Great song, Angus.
[Huffs.]
Angus: Huh! It really was.
Thanks, Chyna.
You saved me.
[Giggles.]
I'm sorry I acted like a jerk.
And I'm sorry I tricked you into coming up here and doing this.
Look, I never should have [Sneeze building.]
Whee! You know, you should really cover your mouth.
Because I I think I'm I'm catching your [Sneeze building.]
[Deep growling sneeze.]
You two have the silliest sneezes I've ever heard.
[Sneeze building.]
Ah-choo! [Warbling in high pitch.]
What? No one's going to say gesundheit? "Silly Song two, Sillier Song" recording session, take one.
[Sneezing.]
[All sneezing rhythmically.]
[Angus grunts.]
Guys, once more! You've got to be sillier.
It's called "Sillier Song"! Hello!