A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s03e06 Episode Script
Penultimate Peril: Part 2
1 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life, and your day Every single episode is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires check into a hotel to spy upon A group of awful people for whom murder is a yawn It may seem like Count Olaf will be finally brought to justice But why would any viewers think that they could really trust us? Just look away Look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away Look away, look away Look away - Look away - Look away, look away Look away, look away [SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
- [ESMÃ.]
Sugar? - [KIT.]
No, thank you.
I always thought tea should be bitter as wormwood and sharp as a double-edged sword.
[ESMÃ.]
I think you'll find this sugar is extremely bitter.
I just love the opera! [SINGING CONTINUES.]
Lemony, darling.
Tea? He's not listening.
When Beatrice is on, he only has ears for her.
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
I wasn't sleeping! What did I miss? Oh, good, they stopped singing.
And you stopped snoring.
Must you bring that typewriter everywhere? I'm new dramatic critic for The Daily Punctilio.
Critic? Bah! We theatrical types should be complimented, not criticized.
You'll find this interesting, Olaf.
"Theatrical" is a word which here means "related to the theater," but it can also mean a person who is prone to fits of melodrama.
My brother's defining words again.
Let's hope it's a phase.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Oh! Look who's on.
Thank you.
As chief of your Official Fire Department, I would like to take this intermission to offer a few words about fire safety, particularly He's so embarrassing.
I think he looks noble.
- It may come as a surprise - The strong profile, the one eyebrow.
Runs in the family.
Where is Jacques? I miss that knucklehead and his mustache.
He's driving his taxi tonight.
[FIRE CHIEF.]
matches, candles, arsonists Beatrice! How was I? You were radiant.
[LAUGHS.]
It's so wonderful to see all of you together.
[FIRE CHIEF.]
I should like to dedicate these words to my wife, who sadly perished in a fire, and to my son, who is here somewhere in the audience tonight.
I love you, Olaf.
Stay safe, and good night.
And now, back to the tragedy you were watching.
The past haunts the present the way a ghost might haunt an opera house.
It hovers over it the way a murder of crows might hover over a hotel.
[BIRDS CAWING.]
Don't fire till you see the white of the sugar bowl.
I can hit a blackbird flying in the dead of night.
[LEMONY.]
The past can hit you like a rock, and it can trap you like a sticky piece of flypaper.
It can spin you in cycles like a wet pair of pants.
And it can change you, the way these next two minutes would change my own life forever.
My name is Lemony Snicket.
- Your name is Lemony? - Snicket.
You look just like your mother.
I'm sorry, do we know you? Somebody shot that manager and he fell into the pond! I saw it while I was bird-watching! Those concierges shot the manager! I saw it while I was ironing my cummerbund! We didn't do anything.
It was an accident.
- They don't know that.
- What can we do? You can get in my taxi.
Sometimes when I'm in a dangerous situation, such as a public place where I'm being accused of a murder that I did not commit, I find it useful to get away quickly in a taxi.
Where's Kit? She was supposed to meet us.
I'm her brother.
She sent me to help you.
But I can only help if you get in this taxi right now.
Baudelaires! Baudelaires! I heard there was trouble, so I found these friendly police officers.
We should leave before those officers reach us.
They don't look friendly, and I'm on the lam.
So are we.
Violet, maybe leaving isn't such a bad idea.
If we leave, we'll miss the chance to put Count Olaf in jail.
We can't live on the run forever.
It's not hard.
You just have to evade the authorities, fake your death in an unreliable newspaper, and spend the rest of your days hiding out in a series of anonymous, interchangeable motels.
Sounds like a lonely life.
It is, but you'd be safe.
I promise.
Baudelaires? Baudelaires, is everything all right? I heard there was some trouble with a harpoon gun and one of the managers? - It was an accident.
- It was Count Olaf.
[SIGHS.]
Well, you won't have to worry about him for long.
Come with me.
You'll be safe.
I promise.
We should say goodbye to the man with the taxi.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
I guess he couldn't stay.
Come, come.
There you are, Baudelaires! After you shot that manager, I went inside and found the manager.
Wait, that can't be right.
Trust me.
It can.
Those are the children I saw from my window! I recognize them from the newspaper! They murdered a man named Count Olaf in a village! I recognize them from my village, where they murdered Count Olaf! [MURMURING.]
Now, let's not rush to judgment, everyone! Something terrible has happened here, but we don't have all the facts.
Now go back to your rooms.
Count Olaf's trial will begin tomorrow morning.
I thought Count Olaf was dead.
You can't believe anything you read in The Daily Punctilio.
I don't know who writes that hogwash! Your wife? You said the trial would be on Thursday.
That's two days away.
You can't start tomorrow.
What about the other volunteers? If they were noble volunteers, they would have arrived early.
What about Kit Snicket? I'm sorry, children.
I would like to wait for her, too, but unfortunately, things are much worse than they seem.
The trial will take place right here in this lobby.
Aren't trials typically held in a courthouse? Usually, but it's much easier to get people to come to a fivestar hotel.
Excuse me, Your Honor.
I caught Count Olaf lurking in the hedges.
Thank you, Frank.
Nice try, but this isn't Frank, it's Ernest! Actually, I am Frank.
Curses! Olaf? Well, if it isn't the nosy neighbor.
I hope you've been picking up my mail.
You won't be receiving mail for a very long time, unless you change your mailing address to prison.
Why would I change my address to prison? Because you'll be a prisoner! Lock him up until the trial! Oh, yes, lock me up! We can't have treacherous people running around a hotel.
There might be decent, noble people here! There are decent, noble people here.
V.
F.
D.
is here, and they'll make sure you pay for your crimes.
I see your new friends have been keeping you in the dark.
[KLAUS.]
What does that mean? You think V.
F.
D.
is noble? Think again.
I bet your self-righteous volunteers never told you what's in the sugar bowl, why it's important, or how it was stolen, but I could.
Oh, the secrets I could share about V.
F.
D.
, about your parents.
You think you know this story, but you don't even know how it begins.
We'll find out the truth.
Not if I'm in prison.
I'm your last chance to learn what really happened.
I can tell you things that you'll never learn on your own.
We'd rather see you in jail.
Your choice.
Let's go, buddy.
Frank, we're sorry about your brother.
I don't see what the big deal is.
There's still two of you.
Ow! One last thing [BELL DINGS.]
[VIOLET.]
Justice Strauss, are you sure the High Court can handle Count Olaf? [STRAUSS.]
I don't blame you for having doubts, Baudelaires.
Count Olaf fooled me once, and I will never forgive myself, but there are two other judges on the High Court, and I've known them for years, and they've always been very concerned whenever I've reported on your case.
I hope you can forgive me, Baudelaires, and trust me.
But if not, you can trust the law.
[ELEVATOR STOPS, BELL DINGS.]
- [DOOR LOCKS.]
- She locked the door.
Maybe we deserve to be locked up.
Dewey was a good person, and he's dead because of us.
He's dead because of Count Olaf, and tomorrow, we can help put him behind bars for good.
Count Olaf has fooled people before.
How do we know he's not gonna fool the High Court? We'll prepare for any tricks he might pull.
- Have you read anything about trials? - Not much.
This is Room 342.
In a library, 342 is the Dewey Decimal Number for "criminal law.
" Therefore Criminal Law.
It's almost morning, and there are lots of laws.
- You'll have to read quickly.
- Mother said laws are like sausages.
If you learn how they're made, it can ruin your breakfast.
Sunny, how do you make sausages? Shove the meat in.
Don't worry about the bones.
That's what the grinder is for.
I thought we were gonna get a sugar bowl and have a tea party, but we're squishing together different parts of animals.
Patience, darling.
Mother used to say revenge is like making sausages.
If you do it right, you can ruin someone's breakfast.
Our lives, like our complexions, were perfect until Count Olaf and the Baudelaires came along.
No one breaks up with Esmé Squalor and gets away with it! So what are we gonna do? Let them eat crow.
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
It feels wrong to go to court wearing disguises.
It's a note from Justice Strauss.
"I hope these fit.
I know you've grown.
" We haven't just grown.
We've changed.
Baudelaires, why haven't you changed? The trial is starting.
Justice Strauss has sent me to escort you - and to give you these blindfolds.
- Blindfolds? Everyone wears blindfolds to enter a High Court trial.
Haven't you heard the expression, "justice is blind?" Yes, but that just means that justice should be fair and unprejudiced.
Well, the High Court ruled that we should interpret that expression literally, so everyone must cover their eyes before the trial starts.
What my sister means is the literal interpretation makes no sense.
Well, the interpretation of laws can be perplexing, like the interpretation of sausages.
I'll wait in the hall.
[SIGHING.]
[BELL DINGS.]
Fourth floor, food supply.
Make it snappy.
- Hello, Esmé.
- Have we met? You sound familiar.
It's me, Jerome.
Your husband? Oh, that Jerome! I'd completely forgotten your name.
And your face.
- Hm! - Are you here for the trial? I'm here in the name of justice, which is something you'll never understand.
Darling, justice is out.
Injustice is in.
- That's why it's called injustice.
- Then why on earth are you here? We're gonna make those cakesniffers pay.
My daughter.
Isn't she adorable? - [BELL DINGS.]
- Ah! Lovely catching up.
Ugh! [ESMÃ.]
What a stupid elevator.
[QUIETLY SCREAMING.]
[COUGHING.]
Put this on.
Ow! Ouch! Let's see Where am I? [LAUGHS.]
I can't see! Oh, that's good.
Good.
Uh, we're ready.
Excellent! I'm wearing a blindfold, too, so you'll just have to feel around with your hand to find Oh find me.
[WHISPERING.]
Come on.
This is like the blind leading the blind, an expression that I just made up myself.
It's already an expression.
It means the people in charge don't know any more than the people following.
That hardly seems relevant.
This way to the elevator! Oh, sorry.
Ma'am, excuse me.
[POE SCREAMS, GROANS.]
I have to tell you, children sorry I had my doubts about Count Olaf from the moment I placed you in his care, and today, the world will finally see the truth! It's hard to see anything with these blindfolds on.
- Oh, what a lovely sculpture of a snake.
- [BELL DINGS.]
This must be the elevator over this way.
[YELPS.]
[GROANS.]
That hurt.
[GROANS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Attention, everyone! The trial is about to begin.
If you are still standing, please take your seats.
How can we find our seats? We can't see them.
Oh Um, move to your left.
Oh, no.
Sorry, my left.
A little more.
Little more.
- [POE YELPS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Ow! Ooh, not that far.
She was terrifying! Those beady little eyes.
That bloodthirsty smile.
Yes, I've also been trapped in an elevator with Esmé Squalor.
Esmé? I was talking about that awful little girl! - [JEROME YELPS.]
- Wrong seat, cakesniffer! [WHIMPERING.]
It's her! It's her! It's her! [STRAUSS.]
Remember, if anyone peeks, they will be held in contempt of court.
Is everyone seated? - There's Klaus.
- [STRAUSS.]
Good.
You may remove your blindfolds.
[GROANING.]
- But we just put them on.
- Don't be silly, Klaus.
Justice may be blind, but the High Court ruled the evidence must be seen to be believed.
You will put the blindfolds back on for the verdict.
That doesn't make any sense.
Baudelaires, I see you found the clothes I left for you.
They fit perfectly, thank you.
I can't wait to see Count Olaf pay for his crimes.
He infiltrated my school and didn't attend a single one of my violin recitals! He's a very bad man who owes me a lot of candy.
Not like that nice gym teacher, Coach Genghis.
I attended Prufrock Preparatory School.
Give my regards to the principal.
"Give my regards to the principal.
" Everybody knows that the vice principal is more important! Besides, that guy disappeared ages ago.
No one's seen him in years.
- I hope they cut off Count Olaf's head! - [GAVEL POUNDING.]
All rise for the High Court judges, myself and my esteemed colleagues.
Why are they so high up? The High Court ruled to interpret their name literally.
[JEROME.]
Hm.
You may sit.
Bring in Count Olaf! Please hold the applause! - No, don't clap for him! - [SCATTERED CLAPPING.]
This is a courtroom, not a theater! I thought this was a hotel.
It's a hotel acting in the role of a courtroom.
Thanks to the efforts of many concerned parties and a banker, I have compiled a comprehensive file on the Baudelaire case.
I submit to the Court The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting After Fortunes.
I titled it myself.
Sadly, I must also submit this harpoon gun, which was used to kill a hotel manager late last night, but we'll discuss that later.
The judges will now hear this case, while the authorities wait outside to apprehend any guilty party who tries to escape.
Speaking of parties, after the trial, everyone is welcome to the after-party, hosted by me.
Wealthy women are particularly welcome.
I'm also having a party.
It's a cocktail party, and fashionable men get a free gift.
My party will have Broadway-caliber musical numbers.
My party will have an adorable girl doing a tap routine.
My party will have fireworks! My party will have sausages! [GAVEL POUNDS.]
Order in the court! We are discussing social justice, not social engagements.
You should reconsider.
I don't imagine you get invited to a lot of parties.
That is enough! I call our first witnesses.
That's you, Baudelaires.
Please state your names.
We know them, of course.
It's just standard procedure.
- Violet Baudelaire.
- Klaus Baudelaire.
Occupation? - Inventor.
- Researcher.
I object! Their proper occupation is orphan, or inheritor of a large fortune.
Your objection is noted, though I caution the defendant about speaking out of turn.
- Is this out of turn? - Yes! Baudelaires, you have traveled a great distance and suffered a great deal, but you're finally safe, among friends and associates, classmates and co-workers, - faculty members - [SNORING.]
and countless neighbors, reporters, theatergoers, fashionistas, doctors, nurses, carnival guests, mountain climbers, telegraph operators, and deep-sea divers.
They have been watching you all along the way and are prepared to speak out on your behalf, but the most important testimony is yours.
Go on, Baudelaires.
Tell us your story.
This time, we promise to listen.
It began when our parents told us to take a rickety trolley to Briny Beach.
It was a gray and cloudy day, so we had the beach to ourselves.
[VIOLET.]
We were testing an invention when we saw a figure in the mist.
It was Mr.
Poe from the bank.
He told us He told us our parents had perished in a terrible fire.
Hm.
We went to live with Count Olaf.
He hit Klaus across the face! He tried to marry Violet! He poisoned Uncle Monty! He threw Aunt Josephine to the leeches! - He conspired with Esmé Squalor.
- And Carmelita Spats.
He kidnapped the Quagmire triplets from Prufrock Prep.
He murdered Jacques Snicket in the Village of Fowl Devotees.
He tried to cut off Violet's head at the Heimlich Hospital.
He He threw He threw a brave and noble librarian to the lions.
Everywhere we went, we tried to tell people who he was and what he was capable of! - But they wouldn't listen! - Nobody would listen! - How simply dreadful! - We lost everything.
Except each other.
We survived because we believed that one day we'd find a safe place.
Where people would listen to us.
- And believe us.
- We've suffered so much, but the root of our suffering is one man.
That man [KLAUS.]
Count Olaf.
This world won't be quiet or safe until he's behind bars.
And all decent people have their day in court.
Thank you.
They're so brave! They're so organized! They remind me of myself! If only you children had told me what you were going through.
[STRAUSS.]
Thank you, Baudelaires.
We are grateful for your courage.
You may step down now.
I had planned to call other witnesses, but your testimony was so compelling, I hate to waste another second.
I'm going to consult with my fellow judges, and if they agree, we can declare these unfortunate events over at last.
That's a relief.
That book on criminal law said that trials can last days or even years.
That's what I'm worried about.
Look at Olaf.
He's about to go to jail.
Why does he look calm? Maybe he's acting calm.
We both know he's not that good.
Something's wrong.
It seems my fellow judges are ready to deliberate.
So without further ado A violin solo about a naval disaster! No! No, please stop that! We will now retire to decide the verdict.
Rest assured, Baudelaires, your word is all the evidence we need.
- Your Honor, wait! - Klaus, do you have an objection? Klaus, what are you doing? Justice Strauss says our word is enough to convince the judges, but it's never been enough to convince anyone before, and Count Olaf knows that.
They need to hear from someone else.
One who knows the wicked things Count Olaf has done, who wouldn't pass up the chance to speak in front of a crowd.
Baudelaires, is there a problem? Not at all, Your Honor.
We'd like to call a witness of our own.
A witness calling a witness? That's highly unusual.
According to a book on criminal law, a witness may question another witness if they're acting in loco advocatus.
In the role of an attorney.
I see you've kept up your legal studies, but wouldn't you rather see this story over, once and for all? We would.
That's why we have to do this.
The floor is yours, Baudelaires.
Thank you, Your Honor.
We call Count Olaf to the stand! [GASPING.]
You may applaud.
Will the defendant state his name.
Count Olaf.
Occupation? Impresario.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I have never told a lie in my life.
- That's a lie! - You can't prove that.
- That's the whole point of this trial.
Ah, but I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarelywashed hands.
That's more than the rest of these people can say.
These people are here to help us.
Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.
Vice President of Orphan Affairs.
I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives.
I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.
That's a lie! He only stroked my violin.
I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in," and villagers who only took you in to do their chores.
I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world.
And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you! These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates.
They should be up here right now.
They're not.
You are.
Yes but you're up here too, Baudelaires.
Tell me on Mount Fraught, what despicable act did you perform to rescue your sister? We held Esmé Louder, please, for the Court.
We held Esmé Squalor hostage And when you needed to reach V.
F.
D.
headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains, what did you help me do? Burn down Caligari Carnival, but Let's hear from some witnesses.
You! Who caused all the terrible accidents at Lucky Smells Lumbermill? Klaus Baudelaire, but You! Who stole Hal's keys and broke into the library at Heimlich Hospital? Violet Baudelaire, but You in the crow hat! After the Baudelaires were accused of murder in the Village of Fowl Devotees, did they accept their punishment? That baby busted them out of jail! You were going to burn us at the stake! - Well - And I don't need to ask you who shot Dewey Denouement, for I was there.
It was Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, by the pond, with the harpoon gun! [GASPING.]
Baudelaires, is this true? [OLAF.]
Let me remind you, you're under oath.
It's not the whole truth.
- You're manipulating the facts! - [OLAF.]
So are you.
You're not the innocent orphans you've let these people think you are.
You've lied.
You've stolen.
You've abandoned people.
You've set fires.
Time after time, you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else.
Because here is the real truth that no one is willing tell you There are no noble people in the world.
Our parents.
Ha I see your parents never told you about that night at the opera, and that box of poison darts.
[SNIFFS.]
Your Honor, I call Esmé Squalor to the stand.
Name.
Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor.
- Occupation? - Single.
Legally, we're still married! Single and loving it.
Argh! Fabulously rich.
Insanely attractive.
The city's fourth most important financial adviser, or something.
Sixth most important financial adviser.
Sixth.
- [GAVEL POUNDS.]
- You're trying my patience.
- Try the sausages.
- Aren't you adorable! They're definitely not poisoned.
No further questions.
You may cross-examine the witness.
Well? Don't you have any burning questions? Any unsolved mysteries gnawing away in those smarty-pants brains? Go ahead.
It'll be fun.
Ms.
Squalor, ever since we met you, you've been obsessed with a stolen sugar bowl.
We want to know why.
I thought you'd never ask.
We were at the opera, and Beatrice was talking about morality, or something.
It's wrong.
Something so valuable shouldn't be in the hands of one person.
Please, darling, you can trust me to keep it safe.
I'm rich and beautiful.
Listen to me, Esmé.
There are traitors within V.
F.
D.
who do not want to put out fires at all.
A certain man with a beard but no hair, a certain woman with hair but no beard.
They think fire can solve any problem in the world.
[BEATRICE.]
What if they get their hands on Gregor Anwhistle's research? Or what if they recruit any volunteer who feels lost and vulnerable enough to join them? We could be looking at a schism.
You want a family one day.
I do, too.
Don't you want to raise your children in a safer world? This sugar bowl is our only hope.
It can save lives.
It completes my tea set.
- There's only one option left.
- It's a wicked thing to do.
For a noble reason.
What choice do we have? Here, Esmé.
You don't want to miss the penultimate scene.
"Penultimate" is a word meaning "next to last.
" Who sings in the middle of a duel? It is an opera.
Well, I prefer my entertainment without unmotivated musical numbers, but someday I may change that opinion.
[SPLUTTERS.]
[HOARSELY.]
This tea needs more sugar.
[SCREAMS.]
Thieves! Was that a poison dart? It's the season's "innest" weapon.
One of my admirers smuggled it to me at intermission.
- So did one of mine.
- You'll never throw it.
Your great gift, aside from your ability to pull off dragonfly-themed couture, is your compassion.
What is going on? Are we throwing darts? That's more exciting than opera! We're all friends here.
Let's have a quiet, rational discussion.
Friends don't steal sugar bowls.
Everyone remain calm! - [DART HITS.]
- Oh! [GASPS.]
Olaf You! [SCREAMING.]
[GAVEL POUNDING.]
Enough! This trial is about the Baudelaires, not some mysterious event that happened in the past.
Don't you want to know what happened next? What happened next? It was a slippery slope.
The theft led to a murder, which led to a schism, which led to two retracted marriage proposals and a series of arsons.
Friends became enemies, children became orphans, and all because of [COUGHING.]
He should get that looked at.
[COUGHING CONTINUES.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Must be something I ate.
Well, it can't be these sausages.
That adorable little girl swore they weren't poisoned.
[SPLUTTERS.]
- [VIOLET.]
Carmelita.
- The Medusoid Mycelium.
Yes! Gasp for air and wail with anguish! A tingly sensation in your throats? That's the taste of my tingly, sensational revenge which, like justice and sausages, has been served cold! Everyone, Esmé Squalor poisoned you with a deadly fungus called the Medusoid Mycelium! Even a single spore is deadly! Horseradish is the only cure! How did you find the Mycelium? I hid that diving helmet where it could never be found.
I didn't find the Mycelium.
- Then why is everybody coughing? - It's probably the pepper.
- [SNICKERING.]
- You mean to tell me that you had the opportunity to poison this entire courtroom, and you served them overly peppered sausages? Not just any sausages! The meat was dark and tough because it came from the darkest and toughest of birds! You people humiliated me, so I made you eat crow! - We've been eating crow?! - It tastes more like chicken.
Yes! [WHEEZING.]
- Argh! - [GAVEL POUNDS.]
Drink some water, everyone.
[MURMURING AND COUGHING.]
The Court will deal with you later.
Sit down.
Baudelaires, please take a seat.
You, take a seat! Now, there'll be no more interruptions, distractions, or side plots.
Count Olaf, is there anything further you'd like to say to the Court? Not in the form of a song.
- I'm innocent.
- Very well.
I'm so incredibly innocent that the word "innocent" should be written on my face.
The "i" would stand for "I'm innocent.
" The "n" would stand for "nothing wrong," which is what I've done.
The "a" would stand for That's not how you spell innocent.
I'm sure spelling doesn't count.
Spelling counts.
Well, then innocent should be spelled O-L-A-F, because that is how I plead.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm I'm sorry, Baudelaires, but my fellow judges want to know how you plead.
But we're not the ones on trial.
This trial is for Count Olaf.
I don't like it any more than you do, but in light of recent evidence, I don't have a choice.
How do you plead, Baudelaires? We're innocent.
Are you sure you can say that, after everything we've heard? We're innocent.
Enough.
The judges will now convene to reach a verdict.
Baudelaires, please take your seats.
Everyone, put your blindfolds back on.
You, too, Baudelaires.
I don't want to put a blindfold on.
We have to put our blindfolds on if we want to see justice served.
If we put blindfolds on, we won't see anything at all.
You don't have to put your blindfold on.
I'll do it for you.
Please don't.
Stop.
I have my - No! - Justice Strauss? [MAN.]
Justice Strauss cannot reply right now.
She's concentrating very deeply on this case.
- [YELPS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Justice Strauss is fine.
She made that noise because she's enjoying a delicious piece of saltwater taffy.
- Those voices sound familiar.
- We have to look.
We'll be in contempt of court.
Maybe this court deserves contempt.
[WOMAN.]
The Baudelaires have taken off their blindfolds! They're guilty of contempt of court.
We certainly are! This court is worthless and dishonorable! Two of those judges are working with Count Olaf! That's absurd.
Justice Strauss can tell you we've served on the High Court for many years.
Although she can't tell you that now because she's just taken a vow of silence.
Justice Strauss, those judges are Everyone, take off your blindfolds! Count Olaf has kidnapped Justice Strauss! Those brats are liars! That's the truth! I believe them! They've experienced villainy before! I don't! They're nothing but trouble! - They're telling the truth! - Unless they're lying! They're murderers! They're cakesniffers! They're brave, like their mother! They're orphans, like their father! - They're guilty! - They're innocent! They're hypnotized! They're real big fans of Herman Melville! [MAN.]
Anyone taking off their blindfold will be arrested by the authorities.
- You can't trust the authorities.
- [WOMAN.]
They're escaping! The Baudelaires are running to the elevator! Capture them! Going down? We're going wherever you're going.
- I'm going to the laundry room.
- [BELL DINGS.]
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY.]
[BELL DINGS.]
I have to retrieve the sugar bowl, then I'm going up to the roof to retrieve the Medusoid Mycelium, then I'm going down to the lobby to poison everyone, then I'm going back up to the roof to escape the authorities.
It's a lot of ups and downs, but hey, so is life.
You can't retrieve the sugar bowl without the code.
Sure you can.
This hotel is like a library, and you can find anything in a library if you have one thing.
- A catalog? - A hostage.
I found these clues to the code on that waiter that I boiled, and I'm sure the answers are in that black book of yours.
- Tell me, or eat harpoon! - Never! Baudelaires, help me overpower this villain and bring him to the lobby so justice can be served! The other judges are his associates.
They'll never put him in jail.
But I've known them for years! They've always been very interested whenever I've mentioned you children.
Of course they are, you fool! They're on my side of the schism! That trial was rigged from the start.
I failed you again, Baudelaires.
You will fail me if you don't help me open the lock.
The first clue is the medical condition all three Baudelaires share.
- Well? - [MOANS.]
- We're allergic to peppermints.
- Klaus, what are you doing? Every noble person has failed us.
Why should we protect the sugar bowl? [SIGHS.]
- - All right! Get out of my way! I know the answer to the next question.
P-O-Y Those letters don't spell anything.
- Spelling doesn't count.
- Yes, it does! Tell me the phrase and I'll type it in.
Fine.
The second phrase is the weapon that left me an orphan.
From that night at the opera.
Poison dart.
Yes.
Type it in! The sugar bowl is so close I can taste it! The third clue is the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright.
That's an interesting question.
No one cares! Type it in! Klaus, why are you doing this? Because - The sugar bowl isn't in the laundry room.
- [GASPS.]
Of course it's here.
I saw that crow get shot and the sugar bowl fall into the vent.
[KLAUS.]
That vent doesn't lead to the laundry room.
Dewey was right.
The lock is a decoy.
Then where is it? That secret died with Dewey Denouement.
Then I guess he's not the only volunteer who will die today.
If I can't get what I want, then nobody will.
I'll unleash the Medusoid Mycelium and destroy every soul in this hotel! Those volunteers never thought I was noble enough.
I'll show them! Those judges never thought I was wicked enough.
I'll show them, too! I will get my revenge on everyone, and volunteers and villains alike will perish in anguish! - You'll die with them.
- Oh, no.
I'll just push the Carmelita II off the roof and sail away.
You can't sail a boat off a tenstory building.
The force of gravity would smash it to pieces! Well, then, I suppose I'll add gravity to my list of enemies.
- I'll get the boat off the roof.
- Violet, no! What are you doing? Nobody's safe as long as Count Olaf's here.
We have to get him far away.
Let's go! It's time to poison this hotel.
What did the little brat say? - She said, "Burn down hotel.
" - Sunny, no! The littlest orphan is following in my footsteps! I was a good guardian after all! You were a terrible guardian! Sunny doesn't know what she's saying.
[LAUGHS.]
I was so busy planning revenge I forgot to take time for my hobbies.
I'll just pour those flammable chemicals onto those sheets.
What are you doing? Innocent people will get hurt.
Sunny's right.
If we warn people about the fungus, - they might not listen.
- They never listen, but if there's a fire - They might evacuate the building.
- And be safe.
You'll never get away with this! I have all the evidence of your treachery right here! [STRAUSS MOANS.]
[STRAUSS GASPS, MOANS.]
Thanks for the kindling.
Time to unleash a deadly fungus.
[STRAUSS MOANS.]
I hope you know what you're doing, Baudelaires.
- [OLAF GROWLS.]
- [STRAUSS GASPS.]
What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone! That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone! And save all these people.
Only the ones who will believe you.
[BELL DINGS.]
The hotel is on fire! A fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.
There's no fire.
The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are! We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke? That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party! Typical Olaf.
Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.
And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.
You have disappointed us for the last time.
I certainly have.
You're a disgrace to the legal profession! [BELL DINGS.]
[STRAUSS MOANS.]
- Fire! Fire! - Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.
Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here! Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave! Follow me.
I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.
It's like the blind leading the blind.
I've got you, sir.
[BELL DINGS.]
- Fire! - Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no! - I think the stairs are this way! - I think the stairs are that way! I don't like to argue.
Let's compromise and just stand here.
[BELL DINGS.]
Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire.
You have to get out! Why should we listen to cakesniffers? She's right.
You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.
No, seriously, it's a big fire.
I swear.
Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.
He's lying.
We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine! [BELL DINGS.]
Well, this wasn't my intention, but at least we got to start a fire.
The fire isn't burning quickly.
People will escape.
It isn't burning slowly either.
What if some people don't? I'll save the Medusoid Mycelium for a rainy day.
If we didn't do something, Olaf would have poisoned everyone.
- What choice did we have? - [CRASHING.]
The fire is weakening the structural integrity of the building.
We have to go.
Klaus, help me pull this down.
Attach it to the oarlocks with the Devil's Tongue knot and make a drag chute.
[STRAUSS.]
Baudelaires, I know it seems like running from the law is the answer, but it won't help.
Why, when I was your age, I spent years - as a horse thief before - We're running out of time! Klaus, Sunny, help me tie this off.
I'll stand here and supervise.
Push the boat to the edge of the roof, or we'll all die.
Fine.
[STRAINING.]
- Justice Strauss, come with us.
- No, it isn't right! You can't run from the scene of a crime.
Come with me, and we'll explain everything to the authorities.
They might not believe us.
Or they might be enemies.
Look at the High Court.
That's no excuse for running away! Justice Strauss, the law isn't always just.
It isn't always good.
That may be so, but I can still give you a home.
I can keep you safe.
I've been following you for so long, and you've always been out of my grasp, but I have you now, and I won't let you go.
We're sorry.
[GASPS.]
I'm the captain! And I say shiver me timbers! [OLAF LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - [GASPS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
It's a terrible fire.
At least if any volunteers see it, they'll know that the Last Safe Place isn't safe anymore.
Oh, they'll know more than that.
They'll know that I've won, that treachery has triumphed, and that the Baudelaire orphans are in my clutches at last.
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY.]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
[LEMONY.]
Since devoting my life to the case of the Baudelaires, there are many mysteries I have yet to solve.
I have yet to learn the final resting place of the sugar bowl, though I have a theory involving a secret sub-basement and a mail chute disguised as a laundry vent.
I have yet to learn why my sister did not return to the Hotel Denouement, as promised.
[CRASHING.]
Though I fear the worst.
However, I have learned the answer to the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright which asks, "Who knows when some slight shock, disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?" What this means is that a small event, like a man failing to give three children a ride in his taxi, could ripple and tremble, and bring down a building.
Have you seen Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire? They're gone.
I've traveled everywhere they've been, I've investigated everything they've been through, and now it's all gone up in flames.
The only thing left of The Complete History of Injustice is this photograph.
[STRAUSS.]
Those poor children.
If only someone could have protected them.
Would you mind if I kept this? It's too painful to hold on to, although I can't imagine you'd have any use for it.
This is not the story of Lemony Snicket.
But if it were, I would tell you about a man, a woman, and a terrible crime that happened one night at the opera.
I have to tell them the truth.
I threw the dart, not you.
It's my fault.
It was my idea to steal the sugar bowl.
I won't let you trade your life for mine.
Your life is worth more.
[MAN WHISTLING.]
Beatrice I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.
I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and as the passengers love the lifeboat, and as the battlefield loves young men, and as peppermints love your allergies.
I will love you as we grow older, which just happened and happened again, and will continue to happen.
I will love you until every fire has been extinguished and every home rebuilt, and every code and heart has been broken.
I will love you if you marry someone else, and I will love you if have a child, or two children, or three.
Seems like a good number.
I love you, Beatrice.
I always will.
You've always had a way with words.
[MAN.]
He's over there! Please stay.
[TAXI DOOR OPENS.]
That's not how this story goes.
[BELL DINGS.]
The story of Lemony Snicket would be a sad account of the brave men and women who formed a secret organization with noble intentions, only to find it wrecked by a schism, a series of fires, and their own tragic mistakes.
Beatrice will pay for this.
Oh, no.
She'll burn.
The story of Lemony Snicket would be long and lonely and incomplete.
But this is not that story.
This is the story of the Baudelaire orphans and I am merely the person telling it.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my solemn duty to investigate the lives of the Baudelaire orphans because if I do I may be able to find them again.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[EXHALES.]
You might think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail Be tucked someplace all safe and sound Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail Those henchpeople nowhere around But there's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes You might think that two parents Both brave and both true Would live to a nice, ripe old age But I'm sad to say I have bad news for you The curtain rings down on the stage Yes, there's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes There's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes There's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes Some people smile [LEMONY.]
It's now been many years, months, and sleepless nights since I began to investigate the Baudelaire orphans, but despite all my research, I have been unable to determine their whereabouts.
I cannot find them.
I cannot help them.
I can only hope that they're alive and safe wherever they are now.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life, and your day Every single episode is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires check into a hotel to spy upon A group of awful people for whom murder is a yawn It may seem like Count Olaf will be finally brought to justice But why would any viewers think that they could really trust us? Just look away Look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away Look away, look away Look away - Look away - Look away, look away Look away, look away [SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
- [ESMÃ.]
Sugar? - [KIT.]
No, thank you.
I always thought tea should be bitter as wormwood and sharp as a double-edged sword.
[ESMÃ.]
I think you'll find this sugar is extremely bitter.
I just love the opera! [SINGING CONTINUES.]
Lemony, darling.
Tea? He's not listening.
When Beatrice is on, he only has ears for her.
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
I wasn't sleeping! What did I miss? Oh, good, they stopped singing.
And you stopped snoring.
Must you bring that typewriter everywhere? I'm new dramatic critic for The Daily Punctilio.
Critic? Bah! We theatrical types should be complimented, not criticized.
You'll find this interesting, Olaf.
"Theatrical" is a word which here means "related to the theater," but it can also mean a person who is prone to fits of melodrama.
My brother's defining words again.
Let's hope it's a phase.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Oh! Look who's on.
Thank you.
As chief of your Official Fire Department, I would like to take this intermission to offer a few words about fire safety, particularly He's so embarrassing.
I think he looks noble.
- It may come as a surprise - The strong profile, the one eyebrow.
Runs in the family.
Where is Jacques? I miss that knucklehead and his mustache.
He's driving his taxi tonight.
[FIRE CHIEF.]
matches, candles, arsonists Beatrice! How was I? You were radiant.
[LAUGHS.]
It's so wonderful to see all of you together.
[FIRE CHIEF.]
I should like to dedicate these words to my wife, who sadly perished in a fire, and to my son, who is here somewhere in the audience tonight.
I love you, Olaf.
Stay safe, and good night.
And now, back to the tragedy you were watching.
The past haunts the present the way a ghost might haunt an opera house.
It hovers over it the way a murder of crows might hover over a hotel.
[BIRDS CAWING.]
Don't fire till you see the white of the sugar bowl.
I can hit a blackbird flying in the dead of night.
[LEMONY.]
The past can hit you like a rock, and it can trap you like a sticky piece of flypaper.
It can spin you in cycles like a wet pair of pants.
And it can change you, the way these next two minutes would change my own life forever.
My name is Lemony Snicket.
- Your name is Lemony? - Snicket.
You look just like your mother.
I'm sorry, do we know you? Somebody shot that manager and he fell into the pond! I saw it while I was bird-watching! Those concierges shot the manager! I saw it while I was ironing my cummerbund! We didn't do anything.
It was an accident.
- They don't know that.
- What can we do? You can get in my taxi.
Sometimes when I'm in a dangerous situation, such as a public place where I'm being accused of a murder that I did not commit, I find it useful to get away quickly in a taxi.
Where's Kit? She was supposed to meet us.
I'm her brother.
She sent me to help you.
But I can only help if you get in this taxi right now.
Baudelaires! Baudelaires! I heard there was trouble, so I found these friendly police officers.
We should leave before those officers reach us.
They don't look friendly, and I'm on the lam.
So are we.
Violet, maybe leaving isn't such a bad idea.
If we leave, we'll miss the chance to put Count Olaf in jail.
We can't live on the run forever.
It's not hard.
You just have to evade the authorities, fake your death in an unreliable newspaper, and spend the rest of your days hiding out in a series of anonymous, interchangeable motels.
Sounds like a lonely life.
It is, but you'd be safe.
I promise.
Baudelaires? Baudelaires, is everything all right? I heard there was some trouble with a harpoon gun and one of the managers? - It was an accident.
- It was Count Olaf.
[SIGHS.]
Well, you won't have to worry about him for long.
Come with me.
You'll be safe.
I promise.
We should say goodbye to the man with the taxi.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
I guess he couldn't stay.
Come, come.
There you are, Baudelaires! After you shot that manager, I went inside and found the manager.
Wait, that can't be right.
Trust me.
It can.
Those are the children I saw from my window! I recognize them from the newspaper! They murdered a man named Count Olaf in a village! I recognize them from my village, where they murdered Count Olaf! [MURMURING.]
Now, let's not rush to judgment, everyone! Something terrible has happened here, but we don't have all the facts.
Now go back to your rooms.
Count Olaf's trial will begin tomorrow morning.
I thought Count Olaf was dead.
You can't believe anything you read in The Daily Punctilio.
I don't know who writes that hogwash! Your wife? You said the trial would be on Thursday.
That's two days away.
You can't start tomorrow.
What about the other volunteers? If they were noble volunteers, they would have arrived early.
What about Kit Snicket? I'm sorry, children.
I would like to wait for her, too, but unfortunately, things are much worse than they seem.
The trial will take place right here in this lobby.
Aren't trials typically held in a courthouse? Usually, but it's much easier to get people to come to a fivestar hotel.
Excuse me, Your Honor.
I caught Count Olaf lurking in the hedges.
Thank you, Frank.
Nice try, but this isn't Frank, it's Ernest! Actually, I am Frank.
Curses! Olaf? Well, if it isn't the nosy neighbor.
I hope you've been picking up my mail.
You won't be receiving mail for a very long time, unless you change your mailing address to prison.
Why would I change my address to prison? Because you'll be a prisoner! Lock him up until the trial! Oh, yes, lock me up! We can't have treacherous people running around a hotel.
There might be decent, noble people here! There are decent, noble people here.
V.
F.
D.
is here, and they'll make sure you pay for your crimes.
I see your new friends have been keeping you in the dark.
[KLAUS.]
What does that mean? You think V.
F.
D.
is noble? Think again.
I bet your self-righteous volunteers never told you what's in the sugar bowl, why it's important, or how it was stolen, but I could.
Oh, the secrets I could share about V.
F.
D.
, about your parents.
You think you know this story, but you don't even know how it begins.
We'll find out the truth.
Not if I'm in prison.
I'm your last chance to learn what really happened.
I can tell you things that you'll never learn on your own.
We'd rather see you in jail.
Your choice.
Let's go, buddy.
Frank, we're sorry about your brother.
I don't see what the big deal is.
There's still two of you.
Ow! One last thing [BELL DINGS.]
[VIOLET.]
Justice Strauss, are you sure the High Court can handle Count Olaf? [STRAUSS.]
I don't blame you for having doubts, Baudelaires.
Count Olaf fooled me once, and I will never forgive myself, but there are two other judges on the High Court, and I've known them for years, and they've always been very concerned whenever I've reported on your case.
I hope you can forgive me, Baudelaires, and trust me.
But if not, you can trust the law.
[ELEVATOR STOPS, BELL DINGS.]
- [DOOR LOCKS.]
- She locked the door.
Maybe we deserve to be locked up.
Dewey was a good person, and he's dead because of us.
He's dead because of Count Olaf, and tomorrow, we can help put him behind bars for good.
Count Olaf has fooled people before.
How do we know he's not gonna fool the High Court? We'll prepare for any tricks he might pull.
- Have you read anything about trials? - Not much.
This is Room 342.
In a library, 342 is the Dewey Decimal Number for "criminal law.
" Therefore Criminal Law.
It's almost morning, and there are lots of laws.
- You'll have to read quickly.
- Mother said laws are like sausages.
If you learn how they're made, it can ruin your breakfast.
Sunny, how do you make sausages? Shove the meat in.
Don't worry about the bones.
That's what the grinder is for.
I thought we were gonna get a sugar bowl and have a tea party, but we're squishing together different parts of animals.
Patience, darling.
Mother used to say revenge is like making sausages.
If you do it right, you can ruin someone's breakfast.
Our lives, like our complexions, were perfect until Count Olaf and the Baudelaires came along.
No one breaks up with Esmé Squalor and gets away with it! So what are we gonna do? Let them eat crow.
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
[CLOCK BONGS, "WRONG!".]
It feels wrong to go to court wearing disguises.
It's a note from Justice Strauss.
"I hope these fit.
I know you've grown.
" We haven't just grown.
We've changed.
Baudelaires, why haven't you changed? The trial is starting.
Justice Strauss has sent me to escort you - and to give you these blindfolds.
- Blindfolds? Everyone wears blindfolds to enter a High Court trial.
Haven't you heard the expression, "justice is blind?" Yes, but that just means that justice should be fair and unprejudiced.
Well, the High Court ruled that we should interpret that expression literally, so everyone must cover their eyes before the trial starts.
What my sister means is the literal interpretation makes no sense.
Well, the interpretation of laws can be perplexing, like the interpretation of sausages.
I'll wait in the hall.
[SIGHING.]
[BELL DINGS.]
Fourth floor, food supply.
Make it snappy.
- Hello, Esmé.
- Have we met? You sound familiar.
It's me, Jerome.
Your husband? Oh, that Jerome! I'd completely forgotten your name.
And your face.
- Hm! - Are you here for the trial? I'm here in the name of justice, which is something you'll never understand.
Darling, justice is out.
Injustice is in.
- That's why it's called injustice.
- Then why on earth are you here? We're gonna make those cakesniffers pay.
My daughter.
Isn't she adorable? - [BELL DINGS.]
- Ah! Lovely catching up.
Ugh! [ESMÃ.]
What a stupid elevator.
[QUIETLY SCREAMING.]
[COUGHING.]
Put this on.
Ow! Ouch! Let's see Where am I? [LAUGHS.]
I can't see! Oh, that's good.
Good.
Uh, we're ready.
Excellent! I'm wearing a blindfold, too, so you'll just have to feel around with your hand to find Oh find me.
[WHISPERING.]
Come on.
This is like the blind leading the blind, an expression that I just made up myself.
It's already an expression.
It means the people in charge don't know any more than the people following.
That hardly seems relevant.
This way to the elevator! Oh, sorry.
Ma'am, excuse me.
[POE SCREAMS, GROANS.]
I have to tell you, children sorry I had my doubts about Count Olaf from the moment I placed you in his care, and today, the world will finally see the truth! It's hard to see anything with these blindfolds on.
- Oh, what a lovely sculpture of a snake.
- [BELL DINGS.]
This must be the elevator over this way.
[YELPS.]
[GROANS.]
That hurt.
[GROANS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Attention, everyone! The trial is about to begin.
If you are still standing, please take your seats.
How can we find our seats? We can't see them.
Oh Um, move to your left.
Oh, no.
Sorry, my left.
A little more.
Little more.
- [POE YELPS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Ow! Ooh, not that far.
She was terrifying! Those beady little eyes.
That bloodthirsty smile.
Yes, I've also been trapped in an elevator with Esmé Squalor.
Esmé? I was talking about that awful little girl! - [JEROME YELPS.]
- Wrong seat, cakesniffer! [WHIMPERING.]
It's her! It's her! It's her! [STRAUSS.]
Remember, if anyone peeks, they will be held in contempt of court.
Is everyone seated? - There's Klaus.
- [STRAUSS.]
Good.
You may remove your blindfolds.
[GROANING.]
- But we just put them on.
- Don't be silly, Klaus.
Justice may be blind, but the High Court ruled the evidence must be seen to be believed.
You will put the blindfolds back on for the verdict.
That doesn't make any sense.
Baudelaires, I see you found the clothes I left for you.
They fit perfectly, thank you.
I can't wait to see Count Olaf pay for his crimes.
He infiltrated my school and didn't attend a single one of my violin recitals! He's a very bad man who owes me a lot of candy.
Not like that nice gym teacher, Coach Genghis.
I attended Prufrock Preparatory School.
Give my regards to the principal.
"Give my regards to the principal.
" Everybody knows that the vice principal is more important! Besides, that guy disappeared ages ago.
No one's seen him in years.
- I hope they cut off Count Olaf's head! - [GAVEL POUNDING.]
All rise for the High Court judges, myself and my esteemed colleagues.
Why are they so high up? The High Court ruled to interpret their name literally.
[JEROME.]
Hm.
You may sit.
Bring in Count Olaf! Please hold the applause! - No, don't clap for him! - [SCATTERED CLAPPING.]
This is a courtroom, not a theater! I thought this was a hotel.
It's a hotel acting in the role of a courtroom.
Thanks to the efforts of many concerned parties and a banker, I have compiled a comprehensive file on the Baudelaire case.
I submit to the Court The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting After Fortunes.
I titled it myself.
Sadly, I must also submit this harpoon gun, which was used to kill a hotel manager late last night, but we'll discuss that later.
The judges will now hear this case, while the authorities wait outside to apprehend any guilty party who tries to escape.
Speaking of parties, after the trial, everyone is welcome to the after-party, hosted by me.
Wealthy women are particularly welcome.
I'm also having a party.
It's a cocktail party, and fashionable men get a free gift.
My party will have Broadway-caliber musical numbers.
My party will have an adorable girl doing a tap routine.
My party will have fireworks! My party will have sausages! [GAVEL POUNDS.]
Order in the court! We are discussing social justice, not social engagements.
You should reconsider.
I don't imagine you get invited to a lot of parties.
That is enough! I call our first witnesses.
That's you, Baudelaires.
Please state your names.
We know them, of course.
It's just standard procedure.
- Violet Baudelaire.
- Klaus Baudelaire.
Occupation? - Inventor.
- Researcher.
I object! Their proper occupation is orphan, or inheritor of a large fortune.
Your objection is noted, though I caution the defendant about speaking out of turn.
- Is this out of turn? - Yes! Baudelaires, you have traveled a great distance and suffered a great deal, but you're finally safe, among friends and associates, classmates and co-workers, - faculty members - [SNORING.]
and countless neighbors, reporters, theatergoers, fashionistas, doctors, nurses, carnival guests, mountain climbers, telegraph operators, and deep-sea divers.
They have been watching you all along the way and are prepared to speak out on your behalf, but the most important testimony is yours.
Go on, Baudelaires.
Tell us your story.
This time, we promise to listen.
It began when our parents told us to take a rickety trolley to Briny Beach.
It was a gray and cloudy day, so we had the beach to ourselves.
[VIOLET.]
We were testing an invention when we saw a figure in the mist.
It was Mr.
Poe from the bank.
He told us He told us our parents had perished in a terrible fire.
Hm.
We went to live with Count Olaf.
He hit Klaus across the face! He tried to marry Violet! He poisoned Uncle Monty! He threw Aunt Josephine to the leeches! - He conspired with Esmé Squalor.
- And Carmelita Spats.
He kidnapped the Quagmire triplets from Prufrock Prep.
He murdered Jacques Snicket in the Village of Fowl Devotees.
He tried to cut off Violet's head at the Heimlich Hospital.
He He threw He threw a brave and noble librarian to the lions.
Everywhere we went, we tried to tell people who he was and what he was capable of! - But they wouldn't listen! - Nobody would listen! - How simply dreadful! - We lost everything.
Except each other.
We survived because we believed that one day we'd find a safe place.
Where people would listen to us.
- And believe us.
- We've suffered so much, but the root of our suffering is one man.
That man [KLAUS.]
Count Olaf.
This world won't be quiet or safe until he's behind bars.
And all decent people have their day in court.
Thank you.
They're so brave! They're so organized! They remind me of myself! If only you children had told me what you were going through.
[STRAUSS.]
Thank you, Baudelaires.
We are grateful for your courage.
You may step down now.
I had planned to call other witnesses, but your testimony was so compelling, I hate to waste another second.
I'm going to consult with my fellow judges, and if they agree, we can declare these unfortunate events over at last.
That's a relief.
That book on criminal law said that trials can last days or even years.
That's what I'm worried about.
Look at Olaf.
He's about to go to jail.
Why does he look calm? Maybe he's acting calm.
We both know he's not that good.
Something's wrong.
It seems my fellow judges are ready to deliberate.
So without further ado A violin solo about a naval disaster! No! No, please stop that! We will now retire to decide the verdict.
Rest assured, Baudelaires, your word is all the evidence we need.
- Your Honor, wait! - Klaus, do you have an objection? Klaus, what are you doing? Justice Strauss says our word is enough to convince the judges, but it's never been enough to convince anyone before, and Count Olaf knows that.
They need to hear from someone else.
One who knows the wicked things Count Olaf has done, who wouldn't pass up the chance to speak in front of a crowd.
Baudelaires, is there a problem? Not at all, Your Honor.
We'd like to call a witness of our own.
A witness calling a witness? That's highly unusual.
According to a book on criminal law, a witness may question another witness if they're acting in loco advocatus.
In the role of an attorney.
I see you've kept up your legal studies, but wouldn't you rather see this story over, once and for all? We would.
That's why we have to do this.
The floor is yours, Baudelaires.
Thank you, Your Honor.
We call Count Olaf to the stand! [GASPING.]
You may applaud.
Will the defendant state his name.
Count Olaf.
Occupation? Impresario.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I have never told a lie in my life.
- That's a lie! - You can't prove that.
- That's the whole point of this trial.
Ah, but I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarelywashed hands.
That's more than the rest of these people can say.
These people are here to help us.
Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.
Vice President of Orphan Affairs.
I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives.
I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.
That's a lie! He only stroked my violin.
I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in," and villagers who only took you in to do their chores.
I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world.
And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you! These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates.
They should be up here right now.
They're not.
You are.
Yes but you're up here too, Baudelaires.
Tell me on Mount Fraught, what despicable act did you perform to rescue your sister? We held Esmé Louder, please, for the Court.
We held Esmé Squalor hostage And when you needed to reach V.
F.
D.
headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains, what did you help me do? Burn down Caligari Carnival, but Let's hear from some witnesses.
You! Who caused all the terrible accidents at Lucky Smells Lumbermill? Klaus Baudelaire, but You! Who stole Hal's keys and broke into the library at Heimlich Hospital? Violet Baudelaire, but You in the crow hat! After the Baudelaires were accused of murder in the Village of Fowl Devotees, did they accept their punishment? That baby busted them out of jail! You were going to burn us at the stake! - Well - And I don't need to ask you who shot Dewey Denouement, for I was there.
It was Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, by the pond, with the harpoon gun! [GASPING.]
Baudelaires, is this true? [OLAF.]
Let me remind you, you're under oath.
It's not the whole truth.
- You're manipulating the facts! - [OLAF.]
So are you.
You're not the innocent orphans you've let these people think you are.
You've lied.
You've stolen.
You've abandoned people.
You've set fires.
Time after time, you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else.
Because here is the real truth that no one is willing tell you There are no noble people in the world.
Our parents.
Ha I see your parents never told you about that night at the opera, and that box of poison darts.
[SNIFFS.]
Your Honor, I call Esmé Squalor to the stand.
Name.
Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor.
- Occupation? - Single.
Legally, we're still married! Single and loving it.
Argh! Fabulously rich.
Insanely attractive.
The city's fourth most important financial adviser, or something.
Sixth most important financial adviser.
Sixth.
- [GAVEL POUNDS.]
- You're trying my patience.
- Try the sausages.
- Aren't you adorable! They're definitely not poisoned.
No further questions.
You may cross-examine the witness.
Well? Don't you have any burning questions? Any unsolved mysteries gnawing away in those smarty-pants brains? Go ahead.
It'll be fun.
Ms.
Squalor, ever since we met you, you've been obsessed with a stolen sugar bowl.
We want to know why.
I thought you'd never ask.
We were at the opera, and Beatrice was talking about morality, or something.
It's wrong.
Something so valuable shouldn't be in the hands of one person.
Please, darling, you can trust me to keep it safe.
I'm rich and beautiful.
Listen to me, Esmé.
There are traitors within V.
F.
D.
who do not want to put out fires at all.
A certain man with a beard but no hair, a certain woman with hair but no beard.
They think fire can solve any problem in the world.
[BEATRICE.]
What if they get their hands on Gregor Anwhistle's research? Or what if they recruit any volunteer who feels lost and vulnerable enough to join them? We could be looking at a schism.
You want a family one day.
I do, too.
Don't you want to raise your children in a safer world? This sugar bowl is our only hope.
It can save lives.
It completes my tea set.
- There's only one option left.
- It's a wicked thing to do.
For a noble reason.
What choice do we have? Here, Esmé.
You don't want to miss the penultimate scene.
"Penultimate" is a word meaning "next to last.
" Who sings in the middle of a duel? It is an opera.
Well, I prefer my entertainment without unmotivated musical numbers, but someday I may change that opinion.
[SPLUTTERS.]
[HOARSELY.]
This tea needs more sugar.
[SCREAMS.]
Thieves! Was that a poison dart? It's the season's "innest" weapon.
One of my admirers smuggled it to me at intermission.
- So did one of mine.
- You'll never throw it.
Your great gift, aside from your ability to pull off dragonfly-themed couture, is your compassion.
What is going on? Are we throwing darts? That's more exciting than opera! We're all friends here.
Let's have a quiet, rational discussion.
Friends don't steal sugar bowls.
Everyone remain calm! - [DART HITS.]
- Oh! [GASPS.]
Olaf You! [SCREAMING.]
[GAVEL POUNDING.]
Enough! This trial is about the Baudelaires, not some mysterious event that happened in the past.
Don't you want to know what happened next? What happened next? It was a slippery slope.
The theft led to a murder, which led to a schism, which led to two retracted marriage proposals and a series of arsons.
Friends became enemies, children became orphans, and all because of [COUGHING.]
He should get that looked at.
[COUGHING CONTINUES.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Must be something I ate.
Well, it can't be these sausages.
That adorable little girl swore they weren't poisoned.
[SPLUTTERS.]
- [VIOLET.]
Carmelita.
- The Medusoid Mycelium.
Yes! Gasp for air and wail with anguish! A tingly sensation in your throats? That's the taste of my tingly, sensational revenge which, like justice and sausages, has been served cold! Everyone, Esmé Squalor poisoned you with a deadly fungus called the Medusoid Mycelium! Even a single spore is deadly! Horseradish is the only cure! How did you find the Mycelium? I hid that diving helmet where it could never be found.
I didn't find the Mycelium.
- Then why is everybody coughing? - It's probably the pepper.
- [SNICKERING.]
- You mean to tell me that you had the opportunity to poison this entire courtroom, and you served them overly peppered sausages? Not just any sausages! The meat was dark and tough because it came from the darkest and toughest of birds! You people humiliated me, so I made you eat crow! - We've been eating crow?! - It tastes more like chicken.
Yes! [WHEEZING.]
- Argh! - [GAVEL POUNDS.]
Drink some water, everyone.
[MURMURING AND COUGHING.]
The Court will deal with you later.
Sit down.
Baudelaires, please take a seat.
You, take a seat! Now, there'll be no more interruptions, distractions, or side plots.
Count Olaf, is there anything further you'd like to say to the Court? Not in the form of a song.
- I'm innocent.
- Very well.
I'm so incredibly innocent that the word "innocent" should be written on my face.
The "i" would stand for "I'm innocent.
" The "n" would stand for "nothing wrong," which is what I've done.
The "a" would stand for That's not how you spell innocent.
I'm sure spelling doesn't count.
Spelling counts.
Well, then innocent should be spelled O-L-A-F, because that is how I plead.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm I'm sorry, Baudelaires, but my fellow judges want to know how you plead.
But we're not the ones on trial.
This trial is for Count Olaf.
I don't like it any more than you do, but in light of recent evidence, I don't have a choice.
How do you plead, Baudelaires? We're innocent.
Are you sure you can say that, after everything we've heard? We're innocent.
Enough.
The judges will now convene to reach a verdict.
Baudelaires, please take your seats.
Everyone, put your blindfolds back on.
You, too, Baudelaires.
I don't want to put a blindfold on.
We have to put our blindfolds on if we want to see justice served.
If we put blindfolds on, we won't see anything at all.
You don't have to put your blindfold on.
I'll do it for you.
Please don't.
Stop.
I have my - No! - Justice Strauss? [MAN.]
Justice Strauss cannot reply right now.
She's concentrating very deeply on this case.
- [YELPS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Justice Strauss is fine.
She made that noise because she's enjoying a delicious piece of saltwater taffy.
- Those voices sound familiar.
- We have to look.
We'll be in contempt of court.
Maybe this court deserves contempt.
[WOMAN.]
The Baudelaires have taken off their blindfolds! They're guilty of contempt of court.
We certainly are! This court is worthless and dishonorable! Two of those judges are working with Count Olaf! That's absurd.
Justice Strauss can tell you we've served on the High Court for many years.
Although she can't tell you that now because she's just taken a vow of silence.
Justice Strauss, those judges are Everyone, take off your blindfolds! Count Olaf has kidnapped Justice Strauss! Those brats are liars! That's the truth! I believe them! They've experienced villainy before! I don't! They're nothing but trouble! - They're telling the truth! - Unless they're lying! They're murderers! They're cakesniffers! They're brave, like their mother! They're orphans, like their father! - They're guilty! - They're innocent! They're hypnotized! They're real big fans of Herman Melville! [MAN.]
Anyone taking off their blindfold will be arrested by the authorities.
- You can't trust the authorities.
- [WOMAN.]
They're escaping! The Baudelaires are running to the elevator! Capture them! Going down? We're going wherever you're going.
- I'm going to the laundry room.
- [BELL DINGS.]
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY.]
[BELL DINGS.]
I have to retrieve the sugar bowl, then I'm going up to the roof to retrieve the Medusoid Mycelium, then I'm going down to the lobby to poison everyone, then I'm going back up to the roof to escape the authorities.
It's a lot of ups and downs, but hey, so is life.
You can't retrieve the sugar bowl without the code.
Sure you can.
This hotel is like a library, and you can find anything in a library if you have one thing.
- A catalog? - A hostage.
I found these clues to the code on that waiter that I boiled, and I'm sure the answers are in that black book of yours.
- Tell me, or eat harpoon! - Never! Baudelaires, help me overpower this villain and bring him to the lobby so justice can be served! The other judges are his associates.
They'll never put him in jail.
But I've known them for years! They've always been very interested whenever I've mentioned you children.
Of course they are, you fool! They're on my side of the schism! That trial was rigged from the start.
I failed you again, Baudelaires.
You will fail me if you don't help me open the lock.
The first clue is the medical condition all three Baudelaires share.
- Well? - [MOANS.]
- We're allergic to peppermints.
- Klaus, what are you doing? Every noble person has failed us.
Why should we protect the sugar bowl? [SIGHS.]
- - All right! Get out of my way! I know the answer to the next question.
P-O-Y Those letters don't spell anything.
- Spelling doesn't count.
- Yes, it does! Tell me the phrase and I'll type it in.
Fine.
The second phrase is the weapon that left me an orphan.
From that night at the opera.
Poison dart.
Yes.
Type it in! The sugar bowl is so close I can taste it! The third clue is the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright.
That's an interesting question.
No one cares! Type it in! Klaus, why are you doing this? Because - The sugar bowl isn't in the laundry room.
- [GASPS.]
Of course it's here.
I saw that crow get shot and the sugar bowl fall into the vent.
[KLAUS.]
That vent doesn't lead to the laundry room.
Dewey was right.
The lock is a decoy.
Then where is it? That secret died with Dewey Denouement.
Then I guess he's not the only volunteer who will die today.
If I can't get what I want, then nobody will.
I'll unleash the Medusoid Mycelium and destroy every soul in this hotel! Those volunteers never thought I was noble enough.
I'll show them! Those judges never thought I was wicked enough.
I'll show them, too! I will get my revenge on everyone, and volunteers and villains alike will perish in anguish! - You'll die with them.
- Oh, no.
I'll just push the Carmelita II off the roof and sail away.
You can't sail a boat off a tenstory building.
The force of gravity would smash it to pieces! Well, then, I suppose I'll add gravity to my list of enemies.
- I'll get the boat off the roof.
- Violet, no! What are you doing? Nobody's safe as long as Count Olaf's here.
We have to get him far away.
Let's go! It's time to poison this hotel.
What did the little brat say? - She said, "Burn down hotel.
" - Sunny, no! The littlest orphan is following in my footsteps! I was a good guardian after all! You were a terrible guardian! Sunny doesn't know what she's saying.
[LAUGHS.]
I was so busy planning revenge I forgot to take time for my hobbies.
I'll just pour those flammable chemicals onto those sheets.
What are you doing? Innocent people will get hurt.
Sunny's right.
If we warn people about the fungus, - they might not listen.
- They never listen, but if there's a fire - They might evacuate the building.
- And be safe.
You'll never get away with this! I have all the evidence of your treachery right here! [STRAUSS MOANS.]
[STRAUSS GASPS, MOANS.]
Thanks for the kindling.
Time to unleash a deadly fungus.
[STRAUSS MOANS.]
I hope you know what you're doing, Baudelaires.
- [OLAF GROWLS.]
- [STRAUSS GASPS.]
What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone! That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone! And save all these people.
Only the ones who will believe you.
[BELL DINGS.]
The hotel is on fire! A fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.
There's no fire.
The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are! We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke? That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party! Typical Olaf.
Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.
And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.
You have disappointed us for the last time.
I certainly have.
You're a disgrace to the legal profession! [BELL DINGS.]
[STRAUSS MOANS.]
- Fire! Fire! - Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.
Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here! Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave! Follow me.
I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.
It's like the blind leading the blind.
I've got you, sir.
[BELL DINGS.]
- Fire! - Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no! - I think the stairs are this way! - I think the stairs are that way! I don't like to argue.
Let's compromise and just stand here.
[BELL DINGS.]
Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire.
You have to get out! Why should we listen to cakesniffers? She's right.
You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.
No, seriously, it's a big fire.
I swear.
Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.
He's lying.
We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine! [BELL DINGS.]
Well, this wasn't my intention, but at least we got to start a fire.
The fire isn't burning quickly.
People will escape.
It isn't burning slowly either.
What if some people don't? I'll save the Medusoid Mycelium for a rainy day.
If we didn't do something, Olaf would have poisoned everyone.
- What choice did we have? - [CRASHING.]
The fire is weakening the structural integrity of the building.
We have to go.
Klaus, help me pull this down.
Attach it to the oarlocks with the Devil's Tongue knot and make a drag chute.
[STRAUSS.]
Baudelaires, I know it seems like running from the law is the answer, but it won't help.
Why, when I was your age, I spent years - as a horse thief before - We're running out of time! Klaus, Sunny, help me tie this off.
I'll stand here and supervise.
Push the boat to the edge of the roof, or we'll all die.
Fine.
[STRAINING.]
- Justice Strauss, come with us.
- No, it isn't right! You can't run from the scene of a crime.
Come with me, and we'll explain everything to the authorities.
They might not believe us.
Or they might be enemies.
Look at the High Court.
That's no excuse for running away! Justice Strauss, the law isn't always just.
It isn't always good.
That may be so, but I can still give you a home.
I can keep you safe.
I've been following you for so long, and you've always been out of my grasp, but I have you now, and I won't let you go.
We're sorry.
[GASPS.]
I'm the captain! And I say shiver me timbers! [OLAF LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - [GASPS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
It's a terrible fire.
At least if any volunteers see it, they'll know that the Last Safe Place isn't safe anymore.
Oh, they'll know more than that.
They'll know that I've won, that treachery has triumphed, and that the Baudelaire orphans are in my clutches at last.
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY.]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
[LEMONY.]
Since devoting my life to the case of the Baudelaires, there are many mysteries I have yet to solve.
I have yet to learn the final resting place of the sugar bowl, though I have a theory involving a secret sub-basement and a mail chute disguised as a laundry vent.
I have yet to learn why my sister did not return to the Hotel Denouement, as promised.
[CRASHING.]
Though I fear the worst.
However, I have learned the answer to the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright which asks, "Who knows when some slight shock, disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?" What this means is that a small event, like a man failing to give three children a ride in his taxi, could ripple and tremble, and bring down a building.
Have you seen Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire? They're gone.
I've traveled everywhere they've been, I've investigated everything they've been through, and now it's all gone up in flames.
The only thing left of The Complete History of Injustice is this photograph.
[STRAUSS.]
Those poor children.
If only someone could have protected them.
Would you mind if I kept this? It's too painful to hold on to, although I can't imagine you'd have any use for it.
This is not the story of Lemony Snicket.
But if it were, I would tell you about a man, a woman, and a terrible crime that happened one night at the opera.
I have to tell them the truth.
I threw the dart, not you.
It's my fault.
It was my idea to steal the sugar bowl.
I won't let you trade your life for mine.
Your life is worth more.
[MAN WHISTLING.]
Beatrice I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.
I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and as the passengers love the lifeboat, and as the battlefield loves young men, and as peppermints love your allergies.
I will love you as we grow older, which just happened and happened again, and will continue to happen.
I will love you until every fire has been extinguished and every home rebuilt, and every code and heart has been broken.
I will love you if you marry someone else, and I will love you if have a child, or two children, or three.
Seems like a good number.
I love you, Beatrice.
I always will.
You've always had a way with words.
[MAN.]
He's over there! Please stay.
[TAXI DOOR OPENS.]
That's not how this story goes.
[BELL DINGS.]
The story of Lemony Snicket would be a sad account of the brave men and women who formed a secret organization with noble intentions, only to find it wrecked by a schism, a series of fires, and their own tragic mistakes.
Beatrice will pay for this.
Oh, no.
She'll burn.
The story of Lemony Snicket would be long and lonely and incomplete.
But this is not that story.
This is the story of the Baudelaire orphans and I am merely the person telling it.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my solemn duty to investigate the lives of the Baudelaire orphans because if I do I may be able to find them again.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[EXHALES.]
You might think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail Be tucked someplace all safe and sound Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail Those henchpeople nowhere around But there's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes You might think that two parents Both brave and both true Would live to a nice, ripe old age But I'm sad to say I have bad news for you The curtain rings down on the stage Yes, there's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes There's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes There's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice and peace win the day But that's not how the story goes Some people smile [LEMONY.]
It's now been many years, months, and sleepless nights since I began to investigate the Baudelaire orphans, but despite all my research, I have been unable to determine their whereabouts.
I cannot find them.
I cannot help them.
I can only hope that they're alive and safe wherever they are now.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]