Abbott Elementary (2021) s03e06 Episode Script

Okay. Thank you, Melanie,
for showing us the inside
of your eyelids again.
Okay. Khalil, come on. You're up.
What you got?
For Show-and-Tell, I brought
a famous person I saw outside.
Come on in.
- Hi, I'm Bradley Cooper.
- What?
Y-You are Bradley Cooper.
Why are you Bradley Cooper?
And why are you here?
Uh, well, whenever I'm in Philly,
you know the deli across the street?
Uh, that's my first stop. My dad
used to always take me there.
They have the best hoagies in the city.
[CHUCKLES]
Everybody wanted to take
a picture with him,
- so I figured he was famous.
- Yeah, you bet he is.
I'm just texting the
other teachers, not paps.
That's okay.
Anyway, so when my friend here
asked me to come by,
I had a minute,
so I thought, "What the heck?"
If you're famous,
are you in "Spider-Man"?
I'm not in "Spider-Man,"
but I am in "Guardians of the Galaxy."
No, you're not!
[AS ROCKET] Are you frickin' kiddin' me?
I'm the voice of Rocket Raccoon!
[LAUGHTER]
And the face of "Alias."
- Not the face of.
- Yeah, you were the face.
A-And "He's Just Not That Into You."
Well, Janine, that was rude.
No, I-I mean
"He's Just Not That Into You"
is my favorite Bradley Cooper film.
It's more of an ensemble,
but if you think about it,
it's Justin Long's movie.
[CHUCKLES] You crazy, Bradley.
Oh, I've been a Cooper Trooper
since "Wet Hot American Summer."
Well, you look different in person.
You don't look famous.
Yeah. Shouldn't your teeth be whiter?
They should,
but I can't whiten them
because they're too sensitive.
- Oh.
- I just loved you in "The Holdovers."
It was just so heartwarming.
It's "The Hangover," and, no, it's not.
Guys, he's literally
in a critically acclaimed film
- right now.
- "Oppenheimer."
- Is that the one about Napoleon?
- Yes.
I don't think so. I'm
not in "Oppenheimer."
Are you sure? Everybody
was in "Oppenheimer."
Yeah.
Why are there cameras here?
It's a long story, Brad. Bradley.
Um, but, hey, since we have you
Okay, I-I do you have to
get that hoagie, so, um
but this this was so much
fun, and does Khalil get an "A"?
Oh, hell yeah, he does.
Um, can you stay and take
just one picture before you go?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Let's do it. Ooh!
- Get in, get in, get in.
Hey. This is so exciting.
I can't wait to tell
everyone at the district.
- Oh, you work at the school district?
- Yeah.
Oh, you know that these schools
are criminally underfunded?
It's proven every
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm working on it.
- Let's just take the picture.
- Okay.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
JACOB: Look, guys, I don't know.
She just said she's "dropping
by with a special surprise."
Wait, who's coming? Janine?
It's not too late to leave, y'all.
She can't annoy us if
we're not here. [CHUCKLES]
Hello! Hi, everyone! Sorry we're late.
But do notice that we are a we,
which is exciting.
Please meet Joan from the city.
And you'll remember Elizabeth Washington
from the Education Board.
Okay, what's up?
'Cause last time she was here,
I had to eulogize Gregory at
the Educator of the Year thing.
There's my star.
Hey, you never sent me
thank you flowers. [LAUGHS]
This is my nightmare.
Literally, she's
my sleep paralysis demon.
Abbott Elementary
is set to be designated
as a historical landmark
in the city of Philadelphia.
We're gonna be a historical place?
Cha-ching! [LAUGHS]
What?
It comes with a discretionary
fund for structural upkeep.
Yeah, that's true. My great aunt's
pastrami shop got designated
'cause Dick Clark looked
through the window once.
We've always known
how special Abbott is,
but now we're historic.
Like the "Rocky" stairs.
Not quite, as Rocky
is a fictional character.
How about we throw you
down those stairs,
and you can see how fictional
they feel?!
I think she just means like
the home of Betsy Ross.
Right? Okay.
Oh, my God, guys,
we're probably going to be
a part of walking tours.
Oh, my gosh. Who's gonna give the tour?
- Uh, okay. I'll do it.
- BARBARA: Okay.
Abbott is certainly old, but historic?
Willard R. Abbott himself
used this very building
as a bomb shelter.
It actually turned out
to be a false alarm.
Nevertheless,
a great man cowered
on this hallowed ground.
- That's right.
- We're gonna be famous.
Aah! This is so cool.
Working at the district,
we treat every school as equal.
But I always knew
Abbott was exceptional.
And now the city agrees.
Eat it, all other schools
in the district!
[CHUCKLES]
You'll cut that part out, right?
Attention Abbott Elementarians
it's your captain,
Principal Coleman, speaking.
If you're learning, stop.
Abbott Elementary,
the school that I raised,
is becoming a Philly
historical landmark.
There will be a plaque ceremony
honoring our school's
namesake, Willard R. Abbott.
And if that sounds old and dusty to you,
the district is also
throwing a pre-party
for us and the neighborhood.
We're partying on the district's tab.
Oh, and there will be pizza.
[ALL CHEERING]
You're welcome.
Just imagine how
many people are gonna be posing
with peace signs out by the plaque.
Oh, no. People do
finger hearts now. Like that.
I have to admit, this is impressive.
I already feel more distinguished.
You can't even spell "distinguished."
[LAUGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT] Barbara, Melissa.
That was your, uh,
"This is amazing look," huh?
Right?
I'm so happy you're happy.
But?
- No but.
- There's a but.
I can feel a but.
Damn. You freaky.
[DOOR OPENS]
- But
- I knew it.
Janine, this is just local politics.
It's got nothing to do with our school.
MELISSA: Yeah. Plus this is Philly.
I mean, you can't hock a loogie
without hitting
something historic around here.
Oh, my God, please.
Just one parade without Barbara
clouds and Melissa meatballs.
[SCOFFS] You wish
it rained my meatballs.
And let me remind you, you asked.
Uh, yes, but that was before
when I thought I would like to answer.
No one is saying
that meaningless accolades
can't be a win-win, but
- No, it's more like a don't care
- don't care.
Like I said,
I am so happy you are happy.
Yeah, we're ecstatic. For you.
Okay, well, that's good,
because it is objectively cool
that Abbott won't be able
to be overlooked anymore.
You know? We're finally getting
the recognition we deserve.
You can't even spell "deserve."
[LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] There you go.
- Ooh!
- Hey.
- "I 'heart' Willard R. Abbott" cupcakes!
- You know it.
To match my "I 'heart'
Willard R. Abbott" shirt.
- I love that.
- GREGORY: You know, I really admire
the commitment to the middle initial,
but does anyone know
what the "R" stands for?
Uh, maybe Rashid?
No. Probably Probably Robert.
Hello, Abbott Elementary and community!
My name is Elizabeth Washington,
and I am the Chief Education Officer.
I want to thank you all
so much for joining us
at this press opp
[CLEARS THROAT] party.
Party.
And I want to welcome my mentee
and Abbott's own Janine Teagues
to the stage for opening remarks.
[APPLAUSE]
Um, thank you. Thank you, Elizab
Thank you, Elizabeth,
and thank you, everyone,
for joining us in this celebration.
We have always known how
special Abbott Elementary is,
but we are grateful that what we
know will now be set in stone.
That's a plaque pun. [SNORTS]
Thank you, Joan.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
And, finally, I'm gonna give
a posthumous thank you
to Abbott Elementary's namesake,
Willard R. Abbott,
who famously crawled these very halls
in a historical manner.
Thank you. We love you, Willard!
ELIZABETH: Hey! Yes!
Hey. H-Hey, Willard R. Abbott
was a racist.
[SPECTATORS GASP]
- Oh, my.
- Okay. So, we can't just shout things out
- because it's fun to shout.
- It's true!
Know your history!
Okay. That's Easy.
I want everybody to just
calm down and take a breath
Well, now we know
what the "R" stands for.
and then welcome, uh,
dialoguing and different poin
And when you say racist,
you mean like racist racist?
One racist is racist enough,
don't you think?
I'm sorry. B.L.A.C.K.S.?
What does that even stand for?
Building Love And
Creating Kids Safety, obviously.
And don't be trying to change
the subject.
Now, Willard R. Abbott
was a city planner
and his city plan was
to uphold segregation
while red lining all of Philadelphia.
Oh, my God. How did I not know that?
Am I bad at history?
They have all kind of methods
for rewriting legacies.
You know, like getting
schools named after themselves.
I guess we shouldn't be surprised
that a white man of that era was racist.
And so none of you thought to,
like, background-check this guy?
Are you even from Philadelphia?
Yeah, I mean, Joan,
did you know about this?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
JANINE: Guess that tracks.
There are a lot of landmarks
in this city honoring bad men.
And women. No, wait. No.
Ever been on Columbus Boulevard?
Literal state of "Penn" -sylvania.
Franklin Bridge, Franklin Court,
Franklin Institute.
My uncle Franklin.
A lot of eggs in that Franklin basket.
This is the nature of history.
It's not all good.
I'm so mad
at you!
Damn, why did you have to bring this up?
Okay, w-what if we change
the school's name to
um blanking on people
who aren't problematic.
"Doin' Just Fine" Elementary.
We already have
100 school names and mascots
already in line for a makeover,
and the ones that are racist
without having to Google
are priority.
And you're looking at
at least three to five years.
I'm sorry, Janine.
This is too messy. We're out.
- No, wait.
- My clout!
Wait, uh, what if, uh what if
MELISSA: There's no "what if."
A stupid designation
is not gonna change anything
about this school.
BARBARA: We didn't have one yesterday.
We don't have one today.
But look on the bright side.
The kids got pizza!
Let's just leave it at that.
Guys, if we give up now,
we're named after a racist
and we don't have a plaque.
Level with me, Liz. What can we do?
Well, I mean, the plaque is
already made, so you're out of luck.
Unless you can find another
Willard R. Abbott of note
and say that
the school is named after him.
- Janine can do that.
- I can do that.
Oh, wow.
Uh, so is it not clear I was joking?
- Oh, so racism's a laughing matter?
- Mm-hmm.
- [SCOFFS] Of course not.
- Great.
So if my minions can find
a better Abbott,
can we have the money?
Because I've already mentally spent it
on zip ties, beans, and birth control,
and there's no returns
in the apocalypse.
She means, does Abbott get
the recognition it deserves?
I [SIGHS] I guess so.
Chop, chop! To the library!
Yeah.
Go help her! Damn!
What if she needs to reach
a book on the middle shelf?
Okay, well, there are definitely
more Willard R. Abbotts
than I expected.
Oh, Abbott used to have an indoor pool.
Wait, no.
Apparently the basement flooded in '63
and they just didn't drain it until '71.
Oh, God.
Oh. Wow.
Look at this picture
from the district archives.
Hmm. I didn't know Abbott
had Black teachers back then.
I didn't know Philly did.
- Okay, trailblazing.
- Hold on.
Did Abbott have a real-life owl
as a mascot back in the '80s?
Keep reading.
"World's most rabid owl
discovered in local school."
- Yeah, that makes sense now.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Oh!
- Ohh.
How does a book smell bad?
I cannot wait to get my
librarian program off the ground.
Library program?
Yeah. Did I not tell you?
Sorry. I've been so busy.
Okay, team, I'm gonna go see
if I can rustle up anything in admin.
Alright.
JACOB: Look. Research? Absolutely.
But between us, Janine and Gregory
[CHUCKLES]
they're like a handsome moth
to a cutie-patootie flame.
They've given: they will.
They've given: they won't.
Now they're giving:
two people that kissed
but decided to just be friends
for some Godforsaken reason.
So, yeah.
Figured they should
have some time alone.
So
how has it been at the district?
Oh, it's been great, actually.
Been learning a lot.
It's different, though. Clean.
- Isn't that a good thing?
- You know, you'd think,
but I just miss Abbott's ambience.
Our dirt has a certain
"Janine" sais quoi.
[BOTH LAUGH]
So, your, uh your library program
Mm-hmm.
Will there be microfiche?
Of course not.
Never mind. That would be nuts, right?
Yes, Gregory, that would be nuts.
Yeah, I know. I know.
But that's amazing, though.
- Thanks.
- Look at you,
programming stuff and taking names.
You're absurd and thank you.
- I'm absurd?
- Yes.
You're the one with a pin
that's a game of tic-tac-toe.
- I like this.
- Yeah, I know you do.
Guys! Guys! I found something.
BOTH: What?
Well, I found an idea, like, in my head.
Willy!
You can't just say Willy
all willy-nilly.
- What is?
- Short for Willard.
Okay. We searched for Willard R. Abbott
and Bill Abbott,
but we didn't search for Willy.
Willy is insane, but okay.
Oh, my God, Willy Abbott,
AKA Willard R. Abbott V.
He's a direct descendant.
Environmental philanthropist.
Seems promising.
He funds environmental research
and he works to combat misinformation.
He's He's He's basically a hero!
Okay. Alright, keep looking.
Let's make sure that he's squeaky clean.
- He wrote a Medium article
- Oh, no.
Denouncing the racist views
of his great-great-grandfather
and namesake,
- Willard R. Abbott!
- Hot damn!
He has a contact form on his website.
- Let's free Willy.
- Let's just e-mail him, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
So, what are we thinking racism-wise?
I can't tell by his outfit.
[CHUCKLES] Good find. He's a charmer.
Thank you guys so much for coming back
and giving us another shot.
Well, the plaque was
very expensive, yeah.
Yep. But, um, seems
legit. We vetted him.
[MELISSA SCOFFS]
At the district, "vet" means
checked for a pulse.
You know, another pass wouldn't hurt.
Especially with his demographic.
Ask him if he thinks
the moon is a spaceship.
You know what? I'll handle this.
- Oh.
- Hey, Willy, how you doing?
So, I wanted to ask
you a couple of questions.
Man, you guys sure are thorough, huh?
Alright. Fill in the blank.
"Women are"
- Great leaders.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Thoughts on birds?
Real. And majestic.
Also, go Birds!
- Lifetime season ticket order.
- Yeah. Okay.
Where were you on January 6th?!
- Hey!
- Have some decorum.
- Oh, my God.
- MELISSA: I got this.
Well?
In a coma actually.
'Cause you fell off a wall?
Medically induced.
Tricky wisdom tooth situation.
[CHUCKLES] That is great.
- Okay, let's get you up on stage.
- Great.
Alright.
It is time to introduce our guest
good guy philanthropist
and the name on this plaque,
Willard R. Abbott V. [APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Thank you, Principal Coleman.
And you can call me Willy.
Willard's actually better for us.
A school as wonderful as this
shouldn't be named after a man
like my great-great-grandfather.
I've spent my life and career
using family money to try
and fight environmental
prejudice and inequality,
to right the wrongs of Abbott's past.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
And I accept this honor
with that pledge in mind.
The world is such a beautiful place,
and we want to keep it that way.
This planet is
in desperate need of saving.
[APPLAUSE]
And there is no place for racism
from one edge of the Earth
all the way to the other.
Now, I don't claim to know all,
but I do know that this
flat Earth is our home for now.
Excuse me, what?
Yeah. Alright. Let's, um
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let him cook.
The gravity of this situation
is undeniable,
even though gravity itself isn't real.
Okay. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
[SPECTATORS MURMURING]
This is all Janine's fault.
The Earth is flat?
- Yes.
- No, no, no. No. The Earth is a globe.
It is round, students.
Then explain maps.
Okay, let's go.
Okay.
- JANINE: No, wait, wait.
- No.
I'm sorry, Janine. We were never here.
And the moon is a spaceship!
- Okay.
- Told you. Real recognize real.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
You have fun?
Janine.
Don't gloat just yet, please.
I'm going to think of a way
to save this.
Just need to sulk for a second.
I'm not here to gloat.
Yeah, we already did that
a few minutes ago behind your back.
Janine, we usually understand
where it is you're coming from,
even if we disagree, but
we're not really getting this.
Why are you so obsessed with a plaque?
I just love this school so much.
Yes. That's your
defining characteristic.
I can't be here every day this year,
and so it's just made
it more clear, you know?
These kids, the people
in the community who went here,
we all know that this isn't
just some school.
It's special.
And I know it was just a plaque,
but it was validation.
I really wanted that for us.
Well, tell me this.
What makes Abbott special for you?
What we teach, what we learn
the kids, teachers like you two.
Exactly. A plaque can't convey that.
Yeah. We don't have to prove
our worth to anybody out there.
Plus, somebody would've
just stolen that plaque
and melted it down
and made, like, the perfect,
lightweight meat tenderizer
with just a a swing
like a dream.
I-I guess I just thought it was
a chance to do something.
What we do is we teach
these remarkable students
the best we can with what we have.
And that is what teachers have done here
at Abbott since it opened.
There you go.
Now that is special enough.
Thanks, guys.
I would love to sit
in this moment with you,
but I just thought of a plan
that will fix everything,
ignoring your pleas
for me to let it rest.
I love you. Bye.
Now, I'll tell you what he
should have been nominated for
was "Failure to Launch."
I thought that was McConaughey.
It's both of them. That's why
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
You know, you don't
have to run everywhere.
I wasn't running, but I am excited.
Don't tell me there's a sixth Willard.
No. Better.
I'll tell you more when we get there.
Ooh.
I thought it was clear
we move in a pack.
To the district archives we go!
Ooh!
I don't know why I was waiting
for random people to tell us
that Abbott is important.
I'm Janine Teagues, damn
it. I don't wait for anything.
Except when it's polite.
That's just courtesy.
History happens every day,
even when it's overlooked,
especially when it's overlooked
and I overlooked some,
right in front of us.
Okay.
Um, let me just real quick.
Oh. Mm, yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm.
No news cameras, no blonde women.
What's with all
the pomp and circumstance?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Over a century and a half ago,
there were no Black teachers
in this city.
And in 1862, Banneker Colored School
hired Philadelphia's first Black teacher
in a public school.
He was a pioneer
named John Quincy Allen.
Soon after, another school, our school,
hired the first group
of Black teachers in the city.
They had no idea what history
they were making at the time,
but that was for us to find out.
And now we know.
They came here every day
through unimaginable adversity
to teach remarkable students
while doing the very best
with what they had.
So we may not have a plaque,
but it's okay.
We don't need one,
because it's what's
on the inside that counts.
And what's on the inside is us,
and there would be no us without them.
[APPLAUSE]
- That was great, Janine.
- Thank you.
Yeah, that was really something, hon.
Yeah, it's a cute picture,
but it'd be cuter with some cash on top.
Here is 10 bucks, Ava.
Are you happy now?
Yes.
Is that so wrong?
Which one do you think was the Jacob?
- None of them.
- None of them.
Yeah.
BOTH: Oh
For the last time,
stop trying to take my job.