Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s03e06 Episode Script

This wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode TV We're looking now at J10738, the ladies' diamond-cut, rope-effect hoop earrings.
That's J10738.
£18.
99p.
RINGING Shh Hi, I'm Ben.
Throughout the week, I'll be showing you courses of enlightenment through pebbleworking, sandplay, mask-making and cosmo drama.
Sorry I'm late.
Just a bit of trouble with the form.
The Talking Stick is not with you! All right.
I was just going to say that they tried to charge me the weekly rate, and as I'm going to be here forever, I should get a discount.
That's all.
Shall we light up? Let us start the "Om".
- Omm - ALL Omm And so we begin our quest to find our inner selves, to delve into our inner consciousness.
We must look into the inner, inner soul.
You must not have a bad feeling for you.
You must eradicate all bad feelings and come togayther.
Ben is now channelling Maria Sanchez a Puerto Rican Aztec slave girl.
Go-go-go-go-go We are on a path togayther and we must dream togayther.
OK, if If you take the women over to one side and the men come with me, and we'll bond, OK? Don't forgeti two precious metals in one.
The silver, the metal of kings, that famous precious metal, dipped in pure gold.
And we all know what that means.
In a circle Can I have the Talking Stick? Thank you.
I missed the beginning.
Where do all the courses take place? Sometimes in the context of the Spiritual Space.
Stick, Stick! Where is that? Here.
- And the others - You haven't got the Stick.
Well, give me the Stick! How much is it? I'll buy my own! Give me the Stick! Give me the Stick! I'm sorry All the others, where do they take place? In the Realms of Nature.
Stick! Where are the Realms of Nature? In the garden! Smear! - We shall now meditate - You haven't got the Stick! Sorry.
I don't need the Stick! Let us meditate.
Mind the antlers! broadcasting to New York City.
A quick glance at the weather.
It's in the low 80s So I said to her, "Listen, Ms Tan-in-a-Tube" - and we're talking orange - "Here's what's going on.
You ain't clunking down my catwalk.
No way, babe! "If Calvin Klein ain't paying, you'd have squshed your tush into his Femme Fatale minipants.
" - Fat butt, huh? - The planet jupiter and its moons! A galaxy of excess flubber! - Well, hello, little killers! - Hi! - Did you see Naomi's hair? - Adorable? Adorable! Well, Omar had a go-see at Vogue.
- No! - He was so nervous.
I said as he left the apartment, "Baby Doll, vitamin C and smile.
"You have a terrific book now.
" But they didn't use him.
They have no taste.
- Too commercial? - He's a movie star.
- Rejection can be so depressing! - Yeah! Hi.
Patsy Stone.
Is your hair on purpose? I'm Santé, Accessories and Shoes.
Candy, Models.
This is Gina, Marketing.
So, what's new? What's your direction? - Who do you want in it? - What do you want on their feet? Well, I want to be pretty revolutionary.
I intend to dictate.
I want to take the fun back out of fashion.
No more schoolgirls in techno fabrics.
- No plastics, no micro-mini! - Careful, honey! - No "cheap tart" looks, no Hollywood glamour.
- Is she joking or what? - Breakfast at Tiffany's, Armani, Klein, Karan - What? Are you on drugs? Honey, they need it to look like trash so their ten-page frigging ads in greys and beiges look like class.
- They don't want your fashion pages! - And she's up to speed.
Darling, they are selling a frigging scent! This is New York, not some backwater.
We move with the dollar.
This ain't art and there's no choice.
Here's what's going on.
You keep it trashy and I don't get ten tons of designer marketing shit on my back.
Comprehendo, my dear? - Sweet! - Where's Magda? She's at a promo brunch for Honda.
Tell him it's got to be a bigger model! I'm not driving around in any dinky mini one.
I'm in a meeting, so no more calls.
Right.
Sorry I'm late.
New York, Las Vegas, Beverly Hills, San Francisco, Hono-bloody-lulu.
That's what I call a circulation.
But we're selling less than the population of No-neck, Virginia, and that's why I'm here.
I want who's old, who's young about town, who's wearing what.
Try to get into someone's 'ouse.
I want who's sexy, who's not sexy.
I want models who smoke.
Make it Marlboro Lites and put them in a pair of Nikes.
I don't like Cindy Crawford, but she sells, and julia Roberts makes me puke, but that's enough about me.
Santa? Santé.
Everybody's crazy about wickerwork wallets.
Fendi and Todd Oldham have some out, so I'm thrilled.
- Mags.
- Pats, what's the matter, girl? - I need a fag.
- Outside.
- All right.
Publisher? - His name's Mitchell Friedman.
Mitchell Friedman? Sounds rather me.
See you later, sweetheart.
- Oi, you! - This month, things are v.
V.
Good.
Linda, Kate and Naomi are keeping the weight off, but for the new girls, finger-down-the-throat time! Mr Friedman's car is going to be here in a minute.
You stay here with him.
OK? Mr Friedman? Hello, I'm Patsy Stone.
Don't touch strangers! Come on, put your hands down, tuck your elbows in! - Do you know this person? - No, I Hi, hello there! How are you doing? - It's me, Bo! - Yeah Patsy, isn't it? Hi, hi, hi! I'm Mitchell's nurse.
I've been with him for about a week.
He's my kind of guy.
Can't speak, only takes liquids, and no messy potty time what with his bags! Gee, what are you doing in New York? New York, the Big Apple.
- Kind of off the beaten path for you.
- Yeah Um Mr Friedman Mitchell.
I'm Patsy Stone.
I'm the new Fashion Director of your magazine, HQ.
Could we have a quiet word together? Friedman? THE Friedman of Friedman, Weiss and Fernandez? He owns the building! What am I talking about? He owns half of New York! You have enough oxygen there, honey? Then there's the estate in Massachusetts.
Unless his wife got that after the third divorce.
- I'm just taking you off to a little park - Oh, no, no, no! Butt out, bitch! This guy's coming with me.
Come on, my darling! Brace yourself, we're taking the kerb! Hello.
Ching-ching, ching-ching.
- Excuse me, it's No Smoking in here.
- Yeah, all right, sure.
- Then, right - You have to go outside! OK, fine.
We're going.
- It's really inconsiderate, you know! - Yeah! She's asthmatic.
What? I only meant that smokers should leave, I didn't mean everybody.
Anyone want a coffee or something stronger, if you know what I mean? Er no, not for me.
- I'm just happy sitting here.
- Me, too.
Our next chain is nine-carat plated and it's a full 18 inches long.
And if you do this, you'll notice that that full length of that gorgeous link chain That's a sign of high quality.
See how it fits in a small shape in the palm of my hand.
- Oh, mama! That outfit is beautiful! - I love your chains, girlfriend! We'll see you at The Boulevard later! I love old cheesecloth! That's Nicole Farhi.
Could you put Hi.
Josh, Tim and I are going down the pub.
Well done! This kind of smiling thing is What are you smiling for? Is it some cosmic joke I've not been let in on? I have found my inner self.
The great Shiva cow within.
My deep-rooted pagan woman that lies in us all.
Not in me.
I don't think she's there! Yes, you will find her.
Feel it! Feel the great transmugrence! The flow from my essential oils are passing into you! - Yes.
- They're flowing! - Can you feel them? - No, but I can smell them.
Honestly - My womb is flowing! - Yes.
- Can you feel it filling your empty hole? - Yes.
The pulsations! I'm sorry, but I don't think this is quite what I'm looking for.
I didn't spend my youth burning my bra so that I could squat saggy-titted over a forest loo hole waiting for the sun to come up while the men go off hunting down the pub.
I'm sorry.
Let me dance the Shiva healing dance! I just don't think that the sort of person that I want to find in me is the kind of person who likes making corn-buggery-dollies in the sacred body workshop.
Look! The Shree Baghwan Risha sandal.
Let us worship it.
For God's sake! Let me just kill the whales! Have you ever smoked grass or, you know, that other stuff? Hash? No.
Well, then.
How can you know it's wrong? I don't smoke because I tried it once and I think I'm allergic or Anyway, it didn't really do anything for me.
I didn't notice the difference.
- It makes people really boring.
- Yeah.
You think you're being really funny or clever, but you're just being incredibly dull.
Who needs drugs to do that? When I say something really funny or clever, I like to remember it the next day.
For heaven's sake! Your roach is too tight and your paper is too loose! Give it to me.
Pass me some card.
Collectors' thimble collection CH0326.
Now, I'm just getting a message here.
Would a Mrs Monsoon, who phoned in a couple of hours ago, and who I had such a lovely time talking to Would you replace the telephone, dear? Because nobody else can get through.
I've just spent a long morning at his lawyer's office and now we're going to be married.
- I need ten minutes alone with him.
- You've got five.
- Done.
- But you have to do something for me first.
- I thought you said he couldn't speak.
- I throw my voice.
Do you, Mitchell Friedman, take Bo Mo Chrysalis to be your lawfully wedded wife? - Wi-wife?! - No! Out of my way, I'm a trained nurse! Turn over! - Go ahead, he's all right! - Do you, Mitchell Friedman to be your lawfully wedded wife? - I do! Hurry up, I'm losing him! By the power invested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you husband and wife! Yes! - You may now kiss the bride.
- Not on your life! Honey, he's all yours, but I wasn't getting a pulse! Chrysalis, you married the richest man in New York.
What are you going to do now? I'm going to Disneyland! The Secret Feather.
It's for you.
Great.
London Bridge Grass All different sorts of grass.
Little teasers.
These A little better.
There, there! I knew she would be there.
Pats, Pats! Eddie? Yeah, babe! - Come on! Stoli, babe! - Can I have a Stoli? - I've got a bottle! - I got bored! I'll meet you down there.
Get me from here! I can't find the stairs! Come on, Ed.
You can land just here! Come on, sweetie! It's quite easy! Can we land on that building? We can't land on your roof! Good to see you! Let's go home! - Cheers.
- Cheers.
It's quite like the old times, Ed.
It has only been three days, actually.
Has it? It felt like - Well, cheers.
- Cheers.
I should - I didn't mean to drag you back.
- You didn't drag me back, no.
- From New York.
- Yeah, New York! Yeah - Fantastic shopping.
- Yeah, it was fantastic.
I was not taking them! I'm entitled to a discount! I'm Patsy Stone! Yeah, and all that fabulous fun you must have been having.
- Oh, yeah.
It was fabulous! - Yeah? Yeah, it was fantastic.
- Yeah - Yeah There's something I meant to say on the plane, but I was too drunk, obviously, and it's just that I was passing, you know.
I was just in New York, passing.
- I didn't mean to drag you back.
- You didn't.
I know that you didn't drag me back.
I was thinking of leaving anyway.
- Were you? - Because I - What? - The job wasn't up to much.
Yeah - Anyway, cheers.
- Cheers.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, you're welcome.
- Actually - Actually - Hello, darling.
- Mum.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Well, yeah I didn't expect to see you, either.
Darling.
- Found yourself, then? - Ta-daa! Yeah, it was fabulous.
I only needed those few days, feeling part of something with my sort of people.
No, no, no! I can't breathe your second-hand air like that.
I'm sorry.
Being with people I could really relate to.
Are those eyes, are they? Are those your eyes? Are they? Gosh, you must be bored! I'm bored! Anyway, how could I expect to find Nirvana? They couldn't even find decent furniture! If you want to talk bollocks and find the meaning of life, you're better off downing a bottle of whisky.
At least that way you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously.
Mother Nature is no fool.
Phew! Hoover-vacuum's broken! How did that happen? It fell out of a window when I was doing sills.
Look at this, darling! I couldn't get out of her contract.
Luckily, it was non-specific.
- That's what they said at the tribunal.
- Yes, thank you for that! The police phoned.
They've released your mother.
Oh, damn! Good though, ain't it? They haven't had a record out for years.
Sweetie! Stop looking at me like that! Darling, squatting is against the law.
She changed the locks and was using my credit card.
She's lucky not to have been sent down.
Ashtray, ashtray! Go on! Quick, ashtray! Thank you.
- Yoo-hoo! - How did she get in? How did she do that? Oh Released, then? - Yes, dear, but I'm tagged.
- Oh.
Don't sit here.
Go and sit over there.
I have to report once a week for a cup of tea with my social worker, Mandy, and I gave her your number at university, dear.
Just in case she wants to contact you if I go missing.
Could you get those cheesy balls from the cupboard behind you? - Why don't you get them? - Because YOU'RE here.
I know that my childhood has been a convenient form of legalised slavery, but I'm over 18 now.
Do you understand? Actually, not the cheesy balls.
The japanese seaweed twiglets.
- Open them! - No! This is not how it's going to be any more, Mum! I'm not going to be here just to put you to bed, to feed you, stub out your joints, clear out the sick, lie for you, disapprove of you And not just you.
You as well! Cesspit from hell! Stinking bag of bones that haunts this house every day like a mouldering cadaver, leeching the lifeblood out of everything it can get its filthy suckers onto! I'm fed up being suckered! I won't take this any more! This is not how it's going to be! - Good morning, dears.
- Good morning, Gran.
- Is Tom up yet? - I looked in on him and he was unconscious.
I think he was smoking last night.
Easy, Gran.
- Oh, no! - Oh, no! - Saff, darling! - Oh, dear.
You said they weren't going to be allowed in our kitchen any more.
What do you want? We'll have breakfast with you this morning.
Patsy dropped the keys to our bed in Soho last night.
I'll have dry toast.
It's all my teeth manages.
Use Patsy's.
Isn't it that doggie that sticks its nose up your crotch? - Get out! - Pity.
Yeah, have the packet.
- Want some of those? - No, no one's taking them any more.
I like him.
You can't be here today.
Use your own place.
- What? - Victoria, can you get the spare keys, please? - What? - They can't be here when Dad comes.
He'll leave.
- I know.
- Is that bastard coming back? I might hang around.
It's the only bloodsport they haven't banned.
- No! - What? - Didn't I leave a bottle of voddy here? - No.
Can I have one? Careful, darling.
You don't want another overflow situation.
Check your colostomy bag.
We had to skid our way out of the Rhumba Go Go Club last night.
Torville and Dean! I'll be the judge of that! Here you are.
Now, go! - What? - The jailer has brought her keys.
- Move.
- What? WE'VE GOT TO GO, DARLING.
See you later.
Come on.
- Are you still with us? - Yes.
Mum, I'll do the house.
Why don't you go to the hairdresser's before Dad arrives? No, it's all right.
Oh! Oh, dear! I've forgotten my specs.
I won't be long.
- Not dead yet? - No, not dead yet.
"B", is it? Still, not a bad life, darling.
No, not a bad life.