All In The Family s03e06 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days I can't now, Michael.
I just finished my nails.
They're wet.
You know, you have the worst timing in the world.
I mean, look at this.
We have the whole house to ourselves and you have wet nails.
Michael, you should have asked me just even five minutes ago.
I did.
I asked you five minutes ago.
You see that? You never pay any attention to me.
Oh, Michael, I do too.
You do not.
You do not.
I'll prove it to you.
How many fingers do I have up? Three.
How many now? Three.
How many now? Three.
How many now? Three.
No! I have four fingers up now.
You don't have four.
You have three.
Four.
Three.
Four.
Three.
Gloria, if I am wrong-- If I am wrong, will you pay me 5 dollars? Sure.
All right, I'm wrong.
Ah, you see that? You never pay any attention to me.
Michael.
GLORIA: Hi, Ma.
MICHAEL: Hi, Ma.
Hello.
Can I help you with your package, Ma? Oh, yes, Mike, thanks.
Ma, what's the matter? Something wrong? Something's wrong with Ma, Michael.
I better go see what's the matter.
Uh, Ma? Wh-- Why don't you sit down? Uh, would you like a cup of coffee? I'll get it.
Would you like to tell me about it? No, no, Gloria, I can't tell you about it.
Come on, Ma.
No, no.
I told you.
I can't tell you about it.
I can't tell nobody about it.
Never, never.
All right.
It's all right, Ma.
You don't have to tell me about it.
I was arrested! You were arrested? For what? I told you, Gloria, I can't tell you about it.
I'm a shoplifter! You were arrested for shoplifting? You were arrested for shoplifting? Now everybody knows! Gloria, what's going on? Ma, it's all a big mistake, isn't it? No, Gloria.
I'm sorry, but I think there's something wrong with me.
Yeah.
I've started taking things.
I think I'm one of them people that, you know, can't help taking things.
Ma, Ma, you're not a kleptomaniac.
That's the word.
You're not that.
Yeah, it's come down to me from my Aunt Gertrude.
She was She was one of them kleppers too.
Ma, you don't inherit kleptomania.
Oh, she was a lovely person, but she couldn't help taking things.
Yeah, it was so sad.
I remember once, after she left our house, we couldn't eat a thing.
She made you feel that bad, huh? No.
She took all the knives and forks.
Ma Listen, Ma.
Listen.
Just because your Aunt Gertrude stole things doesn't mean that you will.
Oh, yeah, that sort of thing runs in the family, Gloria, and I dreamed about Aunt Gertrude just the other night.
Oh, I could see her clear as day in my dream.
She was sneaking out of the house with my mother's sewing machine.
She was riding it like a bicycle.
Look, Ma, why don't you just sit down over here and tell us what happened, all right? Don't tell Archie nothing about this, please.
Don't worry about it.
Don't.
We won't.
Hello, everybody! Hello and whoop-dee-do! Hi, Daddy.
Hold it.
hold it.
Before you say another word to me, stand back.
You are looking at a cham-peen bowler here.
Edith, the greatest Saturday afternoon of my life down in the alley.
Oh, the pins were flying.
Every time I took the ball, come up to the line there, some guys in the back were yelling "timber.
" Why? Because I bowled, for the first time in my life, a 227 game.
What do you got to say to that? I was arrested.
Huh? I was arrested.
You was arrested for what? Oh if I told you, you'd just get mad.
I ain't gonna get--! I ain't gonna get mad.
Tell me what you was arrested for.
I don't know where to start.
At the beginning, Edith.
Well, all right.
This morning, after I finished sorting the laundry upstairs I came downstairs to do the breakfast dishes and then I decided to go to Willington's and buy you some shirts, All right, hold it, hold it.
Forget the beginning.
Just start at the end.
I was arrested.
Edith, you know, uh, uh, I got the idea that you're in some kind of goofy trouble or something.
Now, how did it start? Well, the trouble started because our old apartment is on Union Street.
You remember the apartment that got so hot in the summer and Arthur had to sleep out on the fire escape? Arthur was our cat.
You didn't like Arthur the cat very well, did you, Archie? I hated his fish-eating guts.
Get on with the story.
Well, the number 44 bus route don't go to Bayside but I told the old lady it did.
You told, uh, uh Who? Who? The little old lady in Willington's department store who wanted to go to Bayside.
I told her to take the number 44.
Wait a minute.
You told an old lady something wrong, but that ain't no crime.
What did they arrest you for? Because I was wearing the wig.
Just a minute.
Sit down in the chair here.
Daddy, Ma's very upset, so go easy.
Get away from me, both-- Don't tell me how to go nothing.
Shut up, the two of youse.
Sit down over here.
Just sit down quiet.
I'll handle it.
Once again, I got to straighten out conditions here in Nutsville.
Edith, let me explain something to you, huh? You ain't got no wig.
I know, but I was trying one on down at Willington's, and I was still wearing it when I ran out of the store after the little old lady to tell her I told her the wrong bus, and that's when they-- Arrested you for shoplifting.
Holy cow! Did they call the cops on you? No.
No, they--- They said I could never come in the store again, and then they made me sign a form and they took my picture.
Oh, Jesus.
Ma, that means you're on the blacklist.
Oh, jeez, a blacklist now.
What blacklist? The ones that the stores pass around to each other.
They pass them all around, everywhere.
They feed those things into computers.
Into computers.
And once that happens, your credit rating is zilch.
All because of this-- What do you mean, "credit rating zilch"? I ain't gonna let no store do that over one little mistake like this here.
I know how to handle them stores believe me.
Now, that store is gonna make an apology to you first thing Monday morning.
I'm gonna send you down there to get it.
Oh, Archie, I can't do that.
They won't let me in the store.
And everybody knows I'm a klep-a-maniac.
Ah I'll never go shopping again.
Stop crying, will you? What are you making her crying for? Let me handle this.
The two of youse get out of here.
I want to talk to her alone.
All right, Michael, let's make some coffee.
Daddy, be nice.
Leave me alone.
Oh, Edith, come on, come on, will you? Stop slobbering there.
I'm sorry.
Jeez, that ain't gonna help nothing.
Oh Oh, Edith, Edith, Edith, listen, listen.
It ain't your fault.
It ain't your fault.
It's the world, Edith.
What do you mean? I mean, Edith, that the world just ain't ready for you.
I don't understand.
Well, what I'm trying to say is that I know that you ain't never hurt nobody in your whole life.
You never told a lie to nobody and I know damn well you never stole nothing from nobody.
Do you really think so, Archie? Oh, certainly, Edith, certainly.
The only thing anybody could ever pin on you, and so far as I know, it ain't no crime, is being a dingbat.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
Oh, all right, Edith.
You want to thank me, just go and get some of that coffee for me.
All right, Archie, right away.
Oh, my, I feel like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders.
Ain't it silly how we let things bother us? Oh, I'll take that cup of coffee for Archie.
You look brighter, Ma.
Oh, yeah.
I feel much better now.
Archie knows how to talk to me.
Oh, Ma, you look prettier when you're smiling, and that's a pretty necklace, too.
Thanks.
Here, Archie.
Here's your coffee.
What necklace? Oh, my.
GLORIA: What's the matter, Ma? Oh, I-- I tried it on to see how it looked with the wig, but I never paid for it! I am a klepper! [WAILING.]
Ma, come down and have your breakfast.
You really should eat something.
EDITH: All right, Gloria.
Michael, I'm really worried about Ma.
She's been moping around all weekend.
You know, I've been thinking about it, Gloria, and I think we ought to talk Ma into seeing a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist? Oh, no, Mike.
I can't go to one of them.
Besides, I'm going someplace else.
Ma, why don't you let us make an appointment for you? A psychiatrist would make you feel better.
No.
No, Gloria.
I won't have time, anyway.
I'm going someplace else.
MIKE: Where? Somewhere.
Hey! Who is the person that put the last roll of toilet paper on the spool up there? I was.
Why? I might've knew that.
How many times I got to tell you? The paper goes in over the spool, not under.
Who cares? I want to talk to you about something.
Come on! I got to eat and go to work.
Come on, will you? Just one second.
I think Ma ought to go see a psychiatrist.
No dice to no psychiatrist! Why not? Anybody goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
All right, Daddy, have you got a better suggestion? After work today, I'm going down to that Willington store.
I'm gonna see that manager myself and I am gonna put the fix in.
Now, look at the time.
You're keeping me.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Will you get my lunch box, huh? To top it off, the radio says rain today.
Get away from me.
You know what that does to the subway? It makes the damn thing like a Turkish bath.
You better take your rubbers too.
I don't want no rubbers.
Every time I pull them off my shoes come off with them.
Give me that.
Oh Oh, well, now, I ain't gonna carry that, Edith.
The guys at the loading dock see me walking in with that, they'd think I turned into an English fruit.
It's Louise Jefferson's.
I don't care if it's Mary Poppins'.
Let me out of here.
GLORIA: You have a nice day, Daddy.
How the hell can I? Oh, dear.
Ma, what's with the umbrella? Well, I borrowed it from Louise a week ago, and yesterday she asked for it back and I told her I didn't have it.
I told her I already gave it back to her.
Well, that's an easy mistake to make.
But, Gloria, suppose I didn't give it back on purpose.
Ma, look how you're torturing yourself.
Yeah.
I got to go see somebody.
That's right.
Now forget what Archie says.
You got to go see a psychiatrist and I think you ought to do it today.
It was my son-in-law's idea that I should see a psychiatrist.
He said I should talk to somebody professional and he's right.
That's why I came to see you.
Well, I'm very flattered, but why me? Father, you don't mind if I ain't Catholic, do you? No, no, no, no, no.
I have a sinking feeling a lot of my congregation isn't.
Really? No, no.
Protestant ministers say that too.
It's a religious joke.
Ugh.
Oh, yeah.
I thought of going to our pastor, the Reverend Felcher, but I was too ashamed, and I heard in your church you don't talk about nothing.
No? I mean about nothing you're told.
Oh, oh.
The secrets of confession.
Yes, that's the hardest part of the job for me.
I'm a born gossip.
Don't worry.
We never talk.
Now, let's get back to our discussion, Mrs.
Bunker.
Well, I remembered how nice you was to us when I dented your car with a can of cling peaches in heavy syrup.
Remember, it was at Ferguson's market? They were having a special on-- Oh, why'd you stop? That's where Archie usually says "stifle.
" Ah, yes, your husband, Archie.
You know, Mrs.
Bunker, all things considered you're a remarkably cheerful woman.
Well, I ain't so cheerful no more, Father.
That's why I need your help.
I don't want to be a klep-a-maniac.
Well, now, I'm sure you aren't.
If you were a kleptomaniac, you wouldn't be as upset as you are about it.
But what about the Eighth Commandment? Oh, um uh Uh "Thou shalt not steal.
" Oh! Oh! I'm sure, I'm sure, Mrs.
Bunker, that you exaggerate when you say "stole.
" Now, now, you really don't believe that, do you? Oh, I don't know what to believe no more, and, uh, I think I broke number 10 too.
Oh, number 10, huh? Hmm.
How'd you do that? I coveted my neighbor's umbrella.
Father, can you tell me why I'm doing these things? Well, of course I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do know that kleptomania isn't really criminal.
It's more of an emotional upset.
Now, uh perhaps you're dissatisfied with your life.
Oh, no.
You ever wish you were somebody else? No, but when I was a little girl I used to pretend to be somebody else.
Oh, yeah? Who? Deanna Durbin.
Da-ta-ta Da-da-da BOTH: Da My mother used to think I was crazy, daydreaming that way.
There's nothing crazy about daydreaming.
I do it all the time.
Priests daydream? Oh, sure, sure.
Some of us dream of being bishops and cardinals.
Cardinals dream of being pope.
What do you dream about? I dream about retiring.
You still think about being other people? Oh, no.
No.
I just think about other people doing the same things I'm doing.
Like, when I'm brushing my teeth I stop and think about Elizabeth Taylor or the Queen of England brushing their teeth at the very same time.
Well, everybody does it.
If they've got teeth.
You know, I can think of Elizabeth Taylor brushing her teeth, but I can never think of her spitting it out.
Well, Mrs.
Bunker, you seem very relaxed now.
Oh, yeah.
Well, suppose, then, we go on with that-- That story of yours.
Now, uh, now, you think, uh, you think very hard this time.
Now, the little old lady wanted to go to Bayside.
Yeah.
That's what I heard her tell the floorwalker and I thought I knew Now, now, now, now, The floorwalker? Yeah, Mr.
Masterson.
So I went over and I told her to take the number 44-- Now, Mr.
Masterson was there? Yeah.
He's been with Willington's for years.
And then she said, "Thank you very much.
" Mr.
Masterson's a witness.
No, he's a floorwalker.
And then I went back to trying on the wig-- Now, Mrs.
, Mrs.
-- Wait.
Father, I ain't finished yet.
I was looking in the mirror, and I was thinking about the bus, and I saw myself looking puzzled, and I ran out in the street after I didn't take the wig on purpose.
Well, of course you didn't, and Mr.
Masterson knows that too.
That's right! I forgot about him.
Of course, and the shock of being arrested drove him right out of your mind.
But he's in here now.
He saw me talking to the little old lady.
He knows why I ran out of the store after her.
He knows I didn't steal the wig.
I ain't a klepper! Oh, Father! What I mean, Mr.
Kirkwood, is that my wife Edith never stole nothing in her whole life.
I'm sure this whole thing was some kind of mistake.
Not according to the store detective's report.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Bunker, but I'm afraid that's what they all say once we catch them.
"It was a mistake.
" Well, I-- I know it looks bad for Edith but couldn't you kind of, you know, square it for one of your own kind? You know what I mean? I'm not, uh, not exactly sure I get your drift, Mr.
Bunker.
What does that mean, "one of your own kind"? Well, you know, people like us.
You, me, my wife and all.
You know, we like to come shopping here at Willington's.
We don't like to go to them other places like Bloomingdale's, Klein's, Abraham and Strauss.
You know that tribe? Oh, yeah.
I'm beginning to see what you mean.
Sure you do.
I mean, I knew by your face and by your name, Kirkwood, you'd see my point here.
Now, listen, you want to keep customers like us who enjoy coming here because they know they get a fair shake here.
I mean, get the picture? Oh, oh, yeah, I do.
I get it.
Oh, uh, here's a picture of my family, Mr.
Bunker.
There's my wife and my daughter, Melanie.
Nice-looking family.
Thank you.
My wife's first name is Janet.
That's a nice name for a wife.
Before we were married her name was Janet Goldstein.
Goldstein.
Yeah.
So why don't you just take yourself and your anti-Semitism the hell out of here, huh? All right.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you something else, Bunker.
My wife Janet, she's got a word for people like you.
A word that describes you perfectly.
You are a narrishekopf.
What the hell is that? A meathead.
Oh, well.
You never know who you're talking to no more.
Oh, thank you very much, Mr.
Kirkwood.
Yeah, bye.
That was Mr.
Kirkwood, the manager.
Mr.
Masterson spoke to him and my name is cleared.
Oh, Ma, that's wonderful.
Great, Ma.
Great.
He says I'm welcome in the store anytime, but for some reason he said he didn't want to see Archie down there.
Archie! Hello! How was your day? Just like any other day, Edith.
I don't want to talk about it.
Tell you something else.
I was into Willington's, I seen that manager and we're quits with him.
You ought to be damn glad you don't have to shop in there no more.
But, Archie-- You want to do any shopping, there's millions of other places you can go.
Go to Klein's, Abraham and Strauss, anything.
Archie, he cleared my name.
I don't care I'm off the blacklist.
Well, maybe the guy thought twice about what I told him.
What did you tell him, Arch? What do you care? Do you have to know everything? Take him away and feed him.
Huh? Him and all his psychiatrists.
He'd have everybody running to a psychiatrist.
I bet you're glad you didn't go there.
Oh, yeah, Archie, I'm very glad.
I want to tell you, if youse all had listened to me a little bit more often around here, life would go on much more simpler.
What do you think, Gloria? Looks great with your dress.
Really suits you, Ma.
Edith, Edith, what are you doing wearing that necklace? You're supposed to give that back to the store! No.
It's all right, Archie.
Mr.
Kirkwood, the store manager, said I could keep it.
Oh.
Well, after all the trouble he made, the least he could do is give you something.
And not only that.
He says it's gonna be the first item on my new charge account.
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.