American Housewife (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

Don't you see it? That little bump? Oh, I see it.
There is no bump.
You do not have a bump.
It's nothing you should obsess over.
- You have a great nose.
- Mm-hmm.
No, if you're gonna change something, - I would go with your lips.
- Mom! It's not her fault that she got my thin lips.
If I had started juicing at her age, mm, my whole life would have been different.
I could have been an MTV VJ.
What's that? Oh, God, I've lived too long.
It's Westport's plastic surgery season.
People get their work done now so their scars heal before their Christmas pictures.
I want to punch this entire town in the face.
You don't need to, nor should you, change anything about yourself.
She is perfect.
You got braces when you were Taylor's age.
That's changing something.
Mom, could I talk to you over here for a second? - I'm good.
- Mnh-mnh.
What the hell is wrong with you? I told you.
I don't like my lips.
Mom, you always put way too much focus on outward appearance, especially when I was growing up.
It took me a very long time to unlearn it.
Oh.
But you did.
I am trying very hard not to do that with my kids.
And I don't need you coming in here and suggesting that they have plastic surgery! Fine.
Raise them to love themselves no matter what they look like.
I am not the bad parent here! But I gotta hand it to her.
She has kept it high and tight.
- Dr.
Ellie! - You're back! - Hi! - Principal Ablin said you were recovering from an operation.
Is everything okay? Everything is just fine.
Dr.
Ellie got her boobs done.
Permission to giggle? Permission granted.
Who's the new kid? That's Andrew VandeVorde.
He just transferred from Milwaukee after getting into a fist fight with a choreographer.
They call him "The Bad Boy Ballerino of Brew Town.
" - Oh! Did you see Andrew's calves? - How could I miss them? They're like two coconuts underneath a pair of Danskins.
You know what's underrated? Being in proportion.
Oliver, don't be jealous.
There is nothing wrong with being flat-calved.
What's my desk doing in the foyer? The real question is what's wrong with you and your gene pool? You stuck me with flaccid calves! What are you talking about? I feel bad about taking over your office, you know? This way we each have our own space.
These aren't the legs of a strong male dancer.
These things belong in a Lady Bic commercial.
I don't know what's happening! Seasons are winter, spring, summer, and fall.
What kind of town has plastic surgery season? Oh, well, apparently Katie-complaining season lasts year-round.
Just to be clear, the point of Second Breakfast is to complain.
Stop calling me out.
Also, Greg's nose is whistling again.
Ew.
Ooo, cake.
Every day is cheat day when you're Katie Otto.
Look who I have here.
Hi, Katie.
Hi.
Do I know you? You sure do.
- It's me.
It's Evelyn.
- Ahhh! Evelyn? The fattest housewife in Westport Evelyn? Not anymore! She got gastric bypass surgery.
If she eats more than a thimble-full of food, she craps her pants, but boy, does she look good.
Why did you do this? Were there health issues? No, I just, uh, wanted to be invited to parties.
And it worked.
With Evelyn losing all this weight, you know what that makes you? I do.
The person who's gonna smash you over the head with this bottle of olive oil and then put flowers on your grave.
Come on, Evelyn.
There's a new restaurant I want to try - that only serves smells.
- Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Chloe's right.
Thanks to plastic surgery season, I am now the fattest housewife in Westport.
I can't believe Evelyn gave in to the peer pressure and had her stomach lassoed.
They're definitely gonna get rid of the Chico's at the mall now.
I can't keep that place in business on my own.
You're not the one with the odd body.
They are.
Anyplace else, you're thin.
In Canada you're a waif.
First of all, next trip, Canada.
I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much.
I am comfortable with who I am.
It's my superpower.
What's my superpower? You always pick the slowest checkout line.
- Take that, Superman! - Ugh.
Look who got inspired to slim down! That is not what this is.
I'm just hiding from my family.
Well, I'm proud of you.
I don't want you to be proud of me! I am! I can't take walks with you anymore.
People are going to think that I'm trying to exercise, and I don't want to give Chloe Brown Mueller or any of the rest of those crazy bitches the satisfaction.
It's absurd you would stop taking walks, which you enjoy, just to spite someone who thinks you're trying to get healthy.
Isn't that also giving in to the Westport body image nonsense? I'm all over the place, Greg! You knew that when you married me.
She moved more of my stuff.
This is ridiculous.
So just go to your office on campus.
I would, but my assistant Grant is there Grant, wouldn't it be easier just to hand me the coffee? Sure, but not as fun! You are the boss.
Sit him down and tell him to be less annoying.
I'm concerned if I confront him, he'll get all defensive and make things uncomfortable.
Just tell your mom to stop moving my stuff.
Greg, it's time that you do it yourself.
Confrontations can be fun.
I can't go a week without four or five good confrontations.
I've noticed.
I could have done without the one about me getting butter in the jam jar.
Two knives, Greg.
That's all I ask.
Now that your lip liner is done, it's time to apply your liquid lipstick.
Then What are you guys doing? You two look absolutely ridiculous.
What is that smell? It's called "Calf Blast.
" Guaranteed to blast your calves in twenty-four hours.
Why are you blasting your calves? There's this new hot ballerino who's been flaunting his bulging calves and Gina can't take her eyes off them.
Your legs are fine your lips are fine.
We are all fine.
A few crunches wouldn't kill your father.
What are your feelings about boob jobs? A person who gets a boob job needs a brain job, because it's stupid.
The women on "The Bachelor" who obviously have them I refuse to take seriously.
I refuse to take seriously a mother who takes moral stances based on "The Bachelor.
" What's so urgent Dr.
Ellie had to call us in? I had to cancel my office hours to come here.
Hey, I have a job now, too.
And I already figured out the two words that get me out of everything: "lady problem.
" As of late, Anna-Kat has been uncharacteristically dismissive of me.
Yeah, yeah.
Anna-Kat, you love Dr.
Ellie.
Why would you do that? Mama told me to.
I thought that'd be the answer, but I was hoping otherwise.
Anna-Kat, I did not tell you to be dismissive of Dr.
Ellie.
Ohhh.
You said people with fake boobs are not to be trusted.
I never said that.
I said they are not to be taken seriously.
Which is different.
Not really.
I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about stupid women who do it just to feel better about themselves.
That's why I did it.
Right, yes.
- Greg? - No.
How can I possibly raise my kids in this town where everyone only values appearance? Taylor wants to change her lips, Oliver wants to change his calves, and Dr.
Ellie She had to say, "My eyes are up here" to me three times.
Well, maybe she was starting to look like those women at my gym whose boobs are like tube socks full of pocket change.
Okay.
I've seen Dr.
Ellie.
More like Ellie-vated.
You know, 'cause they've been Screw you guys.
And how about a moment of silence for poor Evelyn, who will never dump her mini peanut butter cups into a tub of popcorn ever again.
Hi, ladies.
Oh, hold on just one second there.
Ooh.
Okay.
Oh, and here's a calorie-cutting tip for you: don't pour the salad dressing on.
Just dip the tines of your fork in it.
Oh, thank you, Chloe.
Now here's a life-extending tip for you: run, before I dip the tines of my fork into your eyeball.
I understand you're angry with me because I was born with these perfect girl-next-door looks, a dynamite metabolism, and I'm aging like Tom Cruise.
If that's her original face, then this isn't a seventeen-hundred dollar jean jacket.
This is a seventeen-hundred dollar jean jacket.
I can't take this, guys.
Chloe Brown Mueller is looking at everything that I do! If I order fruit, she's like, "Ooo, good for you," and if I order a waffle she's like, "Look who's holding on to her title!" You can't let her get into your head.
It's too late! She's stalking me.
I might have to stop coming to Stewart and Kingston's.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, slow down.
You can't quit this.
I can't go back to having lunch with just my house manager.
Ugh! It's always like "blah blah blah you don't pay me enough, I have rights blah blah blah.
" So what am I going to do? Well, you are clearly not gonna improve yourself, so to get her off your back you've got to find something that will tear her down to your level.
Like what? Well, Doris is right.
Chloe is from Westport.
There is no way she hasn't had work done.
There's got to be a janked-up before picture of her somewhere.
- Mm.
- We just have to find it.
The doctor's hoping that my face won't reject my own ass fat.
Remember, we're not looking for Chloe Brown Mueller.
We're looking for her real name, Wanda Wiggly.
How'd you find that out again? I got a bunch of private information from her housekeeper and used it to blackmail Chloe so that she wouldn't tell everybody that Anna-Kat stole a candlestick from her house.
And, your legal name isn't Chloe Brown Mueller.
It's Wanda Wiggly.
- Wig-lay! - For God's sakes! The hate you two have for each other is inspiring.
Oh, my God.
The "W" 's have been ripped out.
Mm, suspicious.
Check the index.
Wanda Wiggly was on the softball team and the yearbook committee.
Ugh! - Her face is X'ed out.
- Ugh! Ah! Her faced is X'ed out here, too! Clearly Chloe did this.
She must have had some punum.
Oh, my nanny Chava has been teaching me things.
Hmm.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Let's not give up.
Look who's standing next to Chloe on the yearbook staff.
- Eloise Paulson! - Who? Dr.
Ellie.
Dr.
Ellie! She was in class with Wanda Wiggly.
- Oh! - Oh! She might have a copy of the yearbook in her office that Chloe hasn't gotten to.
You have got to get your hands on it.
Yeah, Dr.
Ellie is not exactly a fan of mine right now.
I'm just saying, Anna-Kat, I'm sure Dr.
Ellie, as an educator, regrets how big her ta-tas turned out.
I regret nothing.
It's the best thing I ever did.
Uh-huh, okay, okay.
Greg? No.
I guess this means I'm going to have to apologize to Dr.
Ellie.
I hate apologizing to people.
It gives the impression that I have done something wrong.
So let's just sneak into her office and grab the yearbook.
Ah, I don't know.
Sometimes a heartfelt apology really clears out your whole energetic system.
Ugh.
Another reason you cannot quit Second Breakfast.
Then I'm stuck by myself listening to this farkakte nonsense! - Shut up, Doris.
- You shut up.
You're supposed to be quiet in a library.
Oh, hi.
I'm just putting the finishing touches on your office.
You moved everything into the foyer? Well, not everything.
I had to put some stuff in the garage.
For a man you have a lot of knickknacks.
What are you doing home so early? I sometimes find it hard to work in my office at the university.
Whenever I try to ignore my assistant, he thinks we're playing charades.
Writing in a notebook.
"The Notebook.
" Looking up.
"Uptown Girl"! Angry.
Angry.
"12 Angry Men"! Okay.
Walking away.
"Walk" "Walk the Line"! I'm leaving for the day.
Going.
Gone.
"Gone with the Wind"! Yes, "Gone with the Wind.
" We're quite the team! Greg, you really do need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Now come help me spackle the walls where your diplomas used to be.
So, what do you think? Kathryn You cannot move me out of my own office.
You're a guest and you've overstepped your bounds.
You're welcome to stay in this room when I'm at the office, and overnight.
But the rest of the time it's mine.
Okay.
That's it? Well, yeah.
I had no idea you felt that way.
You don't hate me? I don't feel that strongly about you either way, Greg.
Huh.
I worked myself up in my head for no reason.
If you'll pardon me, I have something I need to do.
So while I'm working, I can't be distracted by coffee-delivering drones, charades, or Colonel Tidbits.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I gave you the best years of my life! Grant, you've been my assistant for six months.
I broke up with my girlfriend to focus on us! Gotcha, Wanda Wiggly! Angela, Doris! Mrs.
Otto, what are you doing in here? Oh.
I came here to apologize.
But you're alone in my classroom in the middle of the day with the lights out.
It is a surprise apology.
Surprise! Okay, then.
Oh.
Dr.
Ellie I was wrong to judge you, and I was even more wrong to teach my daughter to judge you.
That's right, you were very wrong.
You're the one who's always telling others not to judge you, and you turn around and judge me? You don't know what these looked like before.
One was going this way, one was going that way.
They had totally different agendas.
And if I feel better about myself when I wake up in the morning, how is that hurting you? It's not.
I'm sorry For real this time.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh! I'm still getting used to these.
Damn it! How did you get her yearbook photo printed on a cake so fast? Well, I have an account at this place.
I used to print up dirty pictures of myself and then serve them up to Richard for dessert.
- It was a phase.
- Mm.
Oh, okay.
Here she comes.
I can't wait for you to make that cake-hater eat her old face.
So I got your text.
You want to talk about plastic surgery? I brought a Sharpie.
We're gonna need to draw dotted lines everywhere.
It's not about me, Chloe.
I know that you have had work done, and I don't judge you for it.
And I need you to be okay with me not wanting to change who I am.
Okay, "Chicken Soup for the Soul," I have to say one thing, and that's I have never gotten work done.
Chloe, I'm giving you a chance.
To feel better about myself? Aww, Katie, you give me that every time I see you.
Now, Katie! Evelyn seems happy.
And ass-face looks pretty good.
Good for you, ass-face.
Chloe.
Whatever you say.
Katie Otto pushing a cake box away? I'm gonna have to go home and get my affairs in order before the apocalypse.
Whew! Uh, why did you let her go? You had the perfect opportunity to humiliate her! Yeah, but what kind of person behaves like that? You do! All the time! Literally until this very moment! I'm not allowed to grow? Dr.
Ellie made me realize that I have been acting just like one of these Westport housewives that make women feel bad about themselves.
And if I open up that cake box, I am no better than Chloe Brown Mueller.
Angela, don't be proud of me.
Well, I'm disgusted with you if that makes you feel any better.
What are we gonna do with this? I guess we are going to have to destroy the evidence.
Mmm! This cake is as good as she was ugly.
I am starving! Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Looks like I'm going to be the second-fattest housewife again in no time.
Oh, you were right.
I talked to your mom.
We're all good.
We're moving my stuff back in my office now.
Mom? How are you Oh, it's an old stewardess trick.
Oh, if I had a dime for every time I had to carry Anthony Quinn off a plane What the hell did you do? I sucked on this bottle.
It's a way to puff up your lips.
They already banned kids from doing it in Australia, so you know it works.
Are those socks? Did you stuff your calves? You don't know what it's like to be president of the Itty-Bitty Calf Committee.
All right, I have had enough.
Family meeting! Everyone has something about the way they look that they're not happy with, and you can spend all your time focused on that one thing, or you can accept it.
But at the same time, people want to change their appearance to make themselves feel better, like Dr.
Ellie, they should.
I might not always agree with it and I definitely don't want you guys doing it, but we are not going to judge them outside of this house.
I fully agree.
You should be comfortable with who you are.
So you're gonna stop spraying that black stuff on your head to cover up your bald spot? - You know? - Everyone knows.
Even me, and I don't know anything.
You want to know what your nickname is? I feel like it's gonna be hurtful.
- Baldilocks.
- And it was.
Greg, I am ready to start taking those walks again.
Yes! Can I buy us some urban walking poles? No, you cannot.
Actually, we are all going to go together and show this town the thin-lipped, calfless, balding, voluptuous monsters that we really are.
Mm.
What about me? You're staying home.
You look way too good for your age.
I take you seriously.
I will not dismiss you.