Archer s03e06 Episode Script

Wait, here's an idea: you talk louder, and maybe they'll just come to us.
We'd lose the element of surprise Lana.
That was sarcasm! No way, really? Because so was that, just now.
I pretty much insist that you shut up.
Oh shit, they're in the armory.
Good, then we got 'em, this is the only way out.
Of the armory.
I heard you.
And I can also read, so -- So what's in the armory? Burglars, Lana, that's why I'm here and not up to my ears in stewardess.
What else is in the armory.
Well, there's a bunch of automatic weapons, rocket launchers, um, about a jillion grenades, oh.
They may have fire superiority.
Ya think? Lana, for all we know they're building a gundam-suit with bazookas for hands.
Really wish we had some backup.
Who, Cyril? Or ooh, maybe Ray could run over them with his wheelchair! That was also sarcasm, since apparently now we're saying whenever we do it.
- Are you ready? - No.
Sarcasm again, yes I'm ready.
What the hell are you doing?! - Nothing! - Archer! What! The hell are you doing? Nothin.
What're y'all doing? The alarm company called us because the motion sensors were going off.
Dukes! Yeah, the rest of us got new keycodes Monday, but you were where was it? Physical therapy.
For your limp, useless legs.
Well it's obviously working, you're on a -- wait a minute! How the hell are you walking around on ladders?! Because he's not paralyzed! And is that not the stuff of miracles? You lying little -- I never said I was paralyzed! Y'all just assumed I was! Because you left the hospital in a wheelchair! They make you! And then I couldn't get a cab, so I just got back in the chair, and Spent the last six months pretending to be handicapped.
Handi-capable.
So before I kick this ladder over in the hopes of paralyzing you for real, why are you in here stealing guns and grenades and what better not be my night vision goggles?! I kinda have some family problems.
So your brother, the drug dealer-- He's not a drug dealer! He's a drug farmer.
Whatever, is gonna be murdered by your hometown's crooked sheriff? E.
Z.
Ponder, yes, and he used to bully me so bad in high school Nooo! Ray, that was sarcasm.
Anyway, he wants Randy's dope farm for himself or he's gonna kill him, so I gotta go down there and stop him.
- Count me in.
- What?! Why?! Well for one thing it's eerily similar to the plot of White Lightning.
And this is Ray's brother, Lana.
What's more important than family? Getting hammered on moonshine and trying to bang skanky trailer-chicks? Trying? Oh, that reminds me.
- They all think I'm married to like, a woman, so - Oh alright, I'll be your beard.
What're you, insane? "Hey y'all, here's my great big ol' black wife!" Wh-? - Lana, c'mon.
You're gigantic.
Now what's all this nonsense about a break-in last night? I swear to God, if Krieger was doing more of his -- what's his new awful thing? Ultimate Bum Shockfights, and no, it looks like it was an actual break-in.
- What?! - Jeezy Petes! Did they get into the mainframe?! I don't know, but -- We need Sterling, where is he?! He's tracking down, um, leads.
From the clues.
That there were some of.
What kind of clues? The kind I'm gonna show you, if you're not too busy shutting up to come on.
And put Sterling through to me the minute he calls in! Which I guess will be never So, are there just no towers here? Or have we literally gone back in time? Both? Ow, you dumb idiot! - Great Great - Why am I in a, whatever, dune buggy? Remember? We picked you up last night, said we were going on a trip? No, and to where? Six Flags Over The Shittier Parts of Chernobyl? Ferlin, West Virginia.
Yeah, and you and Ray are married.
Oh my God oh my God oh my God! We're not actually -- Actually it'll be better if she thinks -- - We're marrieeeeed - Super.
Ray, look out! Wh-?! is that the sheriff, and have you recently gone insane.
Yes and no.
Respectively? Now I know that ain't who I think it is! No shit! Ray Gillet! - Gillet? - How'n the hell are ya? Pretty good, E.
Z.
How you doin? Aw, can't complain.
And nobody'd listen if I did! I hear that.
You hear what.
Not? That? What brings you back up the holler? Oh you know, just wanted to show off my pretty new bride to the home folks.
She is that.
For a minute there I's thinkin maybe you come back to help yer brother out with his business concern.
Naw, just back for a visit.
Well, make sure it's a short one.
'Cause believe me when I tell you, ain't nothin you can do to help him.
Y'all drive safe now, hear? Man, is it me or is he super-menacing? Or super-hot? Hey! Remember?! We're married?! Not until it's consummated.
I'll drive if you wanna hop back there and um enter her.
So not only is Ray not paralyzed, but his brother is a drug dealer -- Farmer.
And he and Archer are in West Virginia doing what the heck are they doing? Fighting a war on the war on drugs? God damn it.
What, you shoulda looked under the stalls! I did! - Wait, I did - Yeah, I usually put my feet up on the grab bars.
Ugh, anyway, this is all obviously unauthorized, - but I promised Ray we'd cover for him, so - Oh, no! I'm not getting mixed up in this, and if Ms.
Archer asks me -- Why is it That every time I need to use the restroom, you people are in here skulking around looking guilty? - Uh - I'll tell you why they look guilty Because they, or we I guess, don't know how to tell you that the break-in was a lot worse than we thought.
How much worse?! - Uh, well, it's really hard to say - But rest assured we are on it, and Archer is on it, and we're on it.
Well I want an update in one hour! And why does it always reek of paint? Well, there she is The old homestead.
Jesus, what's my dowry? Tenus? Ya know what? That's far enough, you sonsabitches! Randy, it's me! Ray! Your brother! Don't you move.
Don't move a inch.
Wh-? What do you mean "don't move"?! I came home to help, you asshole! Well you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off.
There's mines all in the yard.
Ray, to be honest, I'm having second thoughts about this whole thing -- Get in line.
Randy Gillet, where are your manners?! Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside.
- I got some nice hot pie for 'em - Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.
Please don't.
It would be rude not to eat her pie.
Which I assume is not only hot but also moist.
Although hopefully not flaky.
And so E.
Z.
gimme a choice.
Give him my whole dang operation and get outta the holler by sundown, or else him and his boys'll just take it, and grind me up into fertilizer.
Well -- But listen to me, just yappin.
Tell me bout this pretty new wife of yours! 'Cause I'm kinda surprised to see you married.
Homeboy knows what I'm talking about! He does? A New York City interior decorator? That's what you went with? Betcher up to yer eyeballs in poontang! Oh.
Yeah, just so many vaginas.
- No offense, darlin - None taken.
- Want s'more of my pie, Mr.
Archer? - No! Yes! Thank you, Janelle, I would love more of your moist and hot pie.
- Well then open wiiide - Folks, we can't set around eatin her pie all day.
We got a situation here.
So Krieger's running the logs to see if any files were accessed last night.
- Who the hell could have done this? - Who knows? ODIN, the KGB, um Actually-- But this'll take hours so we'll just bring you a report when he's done! Actually -- Krieger! More type, less gripe.
And has anyone heard from Sterling? No, yes! He's out on the case.
Well, I want some answers, and soon.
And since there's nothing in these logs, I too would like some answers.
- So, here's the thing - If I can just get what I got to my distributor, I can retire.
Maybe move up to New York City with you.
I -- what, where, do what?! I'm kiddin.
Last thing you want's your redneck brother hangin around No, it's not that, it's -- Plus I'd rather kill myself.
Nothin up there but a buncha you-know-whats.
There are a lot of 'em.
Don't see how you stand it.
- Anyhow - Dude.
Awesome.
Sweet gracious God.
This here's what E.
Z.
wants.
- How did you afford all this?! - Farm subsidy.
He told the government he's growin corn, for that high-flooktose syrup.
But damned if I'm gonna contribute to the obesity epidemic.
A man's gotta have a code.
Right? I put my heart and soul into this, but now it's either roll over for that sheriff like a dog, or fight.
Like a different, better dog.
So is it just E.
Z.
coming, or -- No, the whole sheriff's department.
I'd say twenty men, AR-15's, maybe grenades, uh oh, dogs.
Duh.
Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.
Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Janelle, why dontcha take Mr.
Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.
- I'd be delighted - No, no, wait a second -- - Fifth thoughts! - Archer! Don't worry, she won't bite.
But speakin of, it's about suppertime.
You still partial to fried chicken? I -- I'll cook it! If somebody shaves it or whatever.
What in the? Janelle?! Janelle! Randy! Wait! Dukes! So is there like, special chickenshaving cream, or? I -- first of all, that's a rooster! Yeah, like Kenny Rogers' Roosters -- Roasters! Randy, wait! Bawk bawk.
And just what the hell is this?! Well, I'll tell you what it's not, which is, um, what it looks like.
I got caught on the fence, then Mr.
Archer tried to get me loose, and -- You better git yer ass in that house.
Do you wanna have sex with my wife? No I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.
'Cause we would be amenable to that.
Well? Why you look so nonplussed? Because I wasn't sure if you knew what amenable actually meant.
Until you followed it up with nonplussed.
See, me and Janelle got us one of them open marriages? Like in France? Oh right, in Europe.
And I would really like that open marriage to include Ray's new wife.
What?! - Now look, that's in the bible.
- Really? - Genesis thirty-eight, verse eight.
- Really? But even though Ray used to be a preacher he was never big on the Old Testament -- I could see that.
So I doubt he'd wanna reciprocate.
So I just need you to keep him busy while I have sex with his wife And then I get to have sex with-- My wife, you son of a bitch! Yeah, I think I got -- So where the hell's your damn pants?! They're on the fence.
Goddammit, Archer! Wait, hang on -- Archer shut up! Ray, he was -- and poor Janelle was -- I gotta go make sure she's okay! And you better have a talk with him! I will, Randy, I'm sorry.
A good long talk.
Like, talk for about forty, forty-five minutes.
Okay, so -- Stop! I have never, in my entire life, been as disgusted as I am at this moment.
- Well, give it a minute - What do you mean, a cyber-attack?! Apparently the uders downloaded a virus into the mainframe So this all needs to come out.
The mainframe is like Krieger's baby.
How'd you get him to go in on this? I told him I'd get Pam to fight in his Ultimate Bum Shockfights.
Is it called that because paying homeless men to fight is shocking? Noop.
Well, hello there, game-changer.
He what?! Yeah, apparently it's in the bible? No, it isn't! It did sound too cool for the bible.
But why do you care? A, you're gay, and B, you and Carol aren't really married.
But Randy thinks we are! Yeah, but -- that's actually a really good point.
I'm gonna beat him like a rented mule! Now that sounds like something from the bible.
- She in there? - Yeah, where's mine at? Up'n the woods with Ray.
You gotta wait til later, maybe after supper.
Remember, no kissing.
I was -- that is the wierdest rule.
I know, right? Some honeymoon.
Oh hey, do I do the face? And where the hell is Sterling when I need him? You've reached Sterling Archer's voicemail.
Please leave a message.
Wh-? Finally, a non-idiotic greeting! Sterling, I want an update, so call me the instant you get this mess -- - The voice mailbox of - Sterling Archer.
is full.
Goodbye.
Idiot.
C'mere, you skinny-legged sumbitch! Oh! Sorry.
That's okay, they're not my best feature.
No, I was -- Not important.
What is important is that Randy gave me a bible lesson? Yeah? And what'd the bible say? Well, Janelle, obviously the actual scripture is open to interpretation, but what I took away from it, is that we should go in the barn and screw our brains out on a huge pile of marijuana.
It didn't say nothin about a rubber, did it? It did not! Ray's still up in the woods, right? Uh oh.
No, he actually said he wanted to talk to -- Randy! Whoa whoa whoa now hang on a second! You wife-swappin white trash piece of -- Ray, no! Randy! Yes.
Randy.
Which I probably should've mentioned earlier.
Don't judge me.
Food.
You lucky I didn't kill you.
You're lucky I didn't kill you! While you were in bed with my wife! Our marriage was never consummated! - And I think we all know why - Stop! Carol! Look, there's plenty of blame to go around here.
I mean, I don't think I deserve any, but-- You were gonna screw her! Yeah so, is that still on, or? Wh-?! Carol? Wh-?! Well, somebody.
C'mon, promises were made.
Just like you promised Mama'n Deddy you'd always take care of me! And here we go! But they weren't even cold in the ground before you were galivantin around Europe! It was the Olympics! Which you lost! Bronze medal! Is not losing! And then it was off to New York City! You can just say New York.
To be a hoity-toity interior decorator! You can just say decorator.
Whatever, I don't know why I thought he could help save my farm! Because your job?! That's a job for sissies! Oh yeah?! Well guess what! Ray! Is not an interior decorator.
I -- no, ya know what? Yes, shut up.
Randy, your seemingly effeminate brother is actually a highly-trained secret agent.
Pshh! Yeah, and I'm something equally hard to believe is true.
It is true.
That's why I married him.
Well, and the bronze medal.
Prove it.
What do you want, a business card? Where do you think he got a duffel bag full of assault weapons? - Well, y'all do live in New York City - Just New York.
Ray? Is he tellin the truth? Mostly.
So cause you're a spy, is that why you never come back to visit? Mostly.
And here all this time I thought it was cause you were ashamed of us.
Oh c'mon now, why would you think that? I found a buncha your old diaries.
Well, obviously not the one with the Miss Piggy on it.
No, Deddy said he burned that one.
- Ugh, great - And I'm sorry I screwed your wife.
And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I was ashamed of you.
The important thing is you came back to help me.
C'mon, that's what family's all ab -- - Dukes! - Shit! Dammit! Randy Gillet! This is Sheriff E.
Z.
Ponder! You come out there with your hands up! That sonuvabitch is early! I dunno, "sundown" sounds more colloquial than like, an actual -- Well, if you wanna back out on me, now's probly the time to do that.
Randy, you may be a racist, homophobic, wife-swapping drug dealer -- Farmer.
-- but nobody murders my brother.
The Gillet boys, side by side! Janelle, cover that winder yonder! Archer, you got a little fight in ya? Yeah, I'm pretty furious about not getting to bang Janelle.
Plus I wanna unleash the power of moonshine.
Then grab a gun and cover that winder! What should I do?! I got some red hot pokers layin in that fire! If anybody gets hit, you grab one and slap iron to it! - Awesome - And remember, it's us or them.
So this is how it's gonna be, huh?! Randy, I didn't want it like this! C'mon, I tried to reason with ya! Reason with this! A'ight then! Light 'em up! - Ow! - Janelle! Are ya hit?! Naw, a piece of -- waaaaaghhhhhh! Well don't just set there! Shoot! Ugh, I can't.
I feel sick, what's happening, do I have cancer again? You drank too much! That's a thing? Looks like it's just you and me, brother.
Randy, you don't have to do this! They'll go easy on you! Hell, the judge is my wife's cousin! I bet he'll give you probation! Oh please! You're gonna murder him so you can take over his dope farm! What?! Cease fire! Hold your fire! Why in the world would you think that I, a peace officer sworn to uphold the law, would wanna murder your brother to get his marijuana farm? I -- because that's what Randy said! - Randy's a drug dealer! - Farmer! And I tried to get him to quit.
I come to him as a friend, I come to him as an elder of the church, but he wouldn't give it up.
And so now I gotta come to him as the law.
And you accuse me of plannin a murder?! Well, you did used to pick on me a bunch.
Well I'm sorry, I was a dick in high school.
But you gotta admit, you were extremely pick-on-able.
There's nothing wrong with Capezios! Randy, is he telling the truth? - Mostly.
- Randy! You almost got me and my friends killed! Because you could never be bothered to get a real job! Well?! I only got to ninth grade! How the hell else was I supposed to earn a livin?! Diggin seng?! There is a perfectly good coal mine not a half-mile from here.
And maybe you wouldn't get rich, but at least it's an honest living.
Yeah but it's hard.
So's this.
- Randy! - Shut up.
And Mama never liked you.
Easy, don't shoot! I'm comin out! Phrasing.
Here's the files you had me pull.
Oww! What the hell is on your hands?! My bum-zappers.
For the shockfights? Th I'm doing for Krieger, which is why he broke the server, to help Lana cover up that Ray and Mr.
Archer are killing cops for a drug dealer and also Ray's been faking that he's paralyzed? Lanaaaa! Or are we not telling you that? No, thank God you guys got here before they started killing hostages! Which would have been us! As the hostages! You lyin-ass bitch! She's mad because I slept with Randy.
To get food for my fellow hostages.
So, you really think you can fix it so I just get probation? Oh God no, I just said that.
All these drugs and weapons, attempted murder of police officers, you'll probably die in prison.
Oh.
Will you come visit me? Probably not.
Cause you're a spy and all? Uh -- He's a highly-trained secret agent.
Is that right.
Well listen here If you ever find your way back up in the holler gimme a call.
I think I got myself an extra pair of Capezios layin around somewheres.
Uh-?! O.
K.
- should I just 911? A'ight, let's move em out! Well that's just great.
Everybody gets laid in the holler but me.
Oh.
And you, I guess.
Since I ate your husband.
***.