Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) s03e06 Episode Script
Tales from the Rift
1 Ruby.
Kaya? Is that you? The portal to the netherworld has been established.
Free me and I'll stand with you again.
I'll free you when I find a suitable host.
ASH: Well, Pablo has this weird writing all over him.
Maybe he can decipher.
[screams.]
PABLO: Am I dead again? You left yourself vulnerable to evil.
Now you must prove yourself worthy.
¡Yo soy el Brujo Especial! [grunts.]
ASH: That cute little kid is a demon.
What is that dastardly Ruby up to now?! He hurt me.
You've got some explaining to do Mr.
Williams.
Dad, get in! You know this is the first time you ever called me dad.
KELLY: You fuck with my Pablo, you fuck with me.
And I am done being fucked with Ruby.
[squishing.]
You're almost there.
Once that idiot Ash Williams is dead, you and I will go on to immortal glory.
[gurgling sound.]
[distant thump.]
[sighs.]
Kelly! What a lovely surprise [gunshot.]
That was for Pablo getting possessed! [gunshot.]
That was for Brandy's mom Oh, come on [gunshot.]
[grunts.]
[Ruby coughs.]
And this one? Kelly, stop This one's for me.
Shoot me all you want, you stupid girl.
You forget I'm immortal.
I didn't forget.
[sighs.]
So I brought this.
The dagger.
You're the one who found it.
Don't you just love a good surprise.
[grunts.]
[sizzling.]
It burns, doesn't it? You're not worthy.
[grunts.]
Did you really think it was gonna be that easy? Did you? Don't start a fight you can't finish All right, you she-devil fuck! Let's go.
I can't believe this! A week ago I was cramming for midterms and now I'm running from the cops! Ooh, bad idea.
Until the heat dies down, no lights.
Sounds like someone's hidden from the cops before.
I don't have to answer that.
I gotta admit, though, you handled that Delta with style.
Just gotta remember though, that ass end starts to skid, you just gotta give it - a little gas.
- A little gas.
Y'know I've been thinkin' it, now I'm gonna say it: like daughter like dad.
So that kid in your car The Demon imposter kid.
Yeah.
And you really think that that had something to do with Ms.
Prevett? Look, that little freak was running all over her house! Granted, the trunk thing might've raised some eyebrows, but this so called counselor of yours, kiddo.
I can't say enough bad things about her! [toaster pops.]
You gotta eat.
Oh, my God.
This is so much better toasted.
Look, I hear what you're saying, but Ms.
Prevett has been nothing but kind and thoughtful to me.
Okay? The stern "father" voice doesn't change that.
Oh.
Look at me.
I need to go clean up.
Demon spunk! It's so gross! [knock on door.]
Mr.
Williams! Oh, shit.
[knock on door.]
Mr.
Williams, we're with Dalton! Yeah? Oh, my God.
It's really him.
Do you guys get discounts on kneepads? Ash Williams, we're with the Knights of Oh, not this again! Spare me will you? Dalton already told me the whole boring story.
Wait.
You must know the world is in grave danger.
Look, Dalton sent for us, but he's disappeared.
All right, come on in.
Don't touch any of my stuff.
Yeah, don't kill the messenger, but I heard your buddy bought a one-way ticket to demon-ville.
Years ago, another Knight came to Elk Grove looking for you.
He never came back either.
We call ourselves the Knights of Sumeria.
[grunts.]
[yells.]
Pushy guy? Long leather jacket? Gary's here? Mm, in a dead kind of way.
He left a bunch of ancient scribbles on my cellar wall.
And these.
They're the lost pages of the Necronomicon! Don't get too excited.
Last person who read those wound up with a dagger in their back.
Mr.
Williams, if you show us this writing, we might be able to end this nightmare once and for all.
End evil.
For all time? Lady you're yankin' my crank.
No, no, we're not! Honest! You better not be, because my daughter is on evil's short-list, and she's the best cook this house ever had.
Okay, come on.
Let's roll.
[grunts.]
Big mistake coming here alone.
Maybe.
But no one else was gonna die on my watch.
And I've been waiting for this moment a long time.
Let's see whatcha got.
[grunting.]
Ohhhh, fuck! [grunts.]
[groans.]
- [bone cracks.]
- [yells.]
Fuck! [grunts.]
[whimpers.]
I'll give it to you.
Digging up that dagger, coming in here, all guns blazing, it wasn't a bad plan.
You giving out gold stars today, teach? It was a terrible plan.
[Kelly laughs.]
And your little Knight friend His name was Dalton.
Well, he's dead.
[explosion.]
We've all sworn to protect you.
It's our sacred duty.
Ah, yeah, well that's very flattering.
But this kimosabe already has a Tonto.
Hey, let's back to the part about getting rid of evil.
The Dark One that betrayed the others, knew She's got a name now.
She's called Ruby.
Ruby? Mm-hm, I guess succubus was taken.
Ruby used a Necromancer named Kaya to exile the other Dark Ones.
Look, if they get free, they'll start a war that'll destroy mankind.
But you guys are here to stop that, right? Our mission has been to find the prophesied one.
Mission accomplished baby.
It's said that he will have the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis and [coughs.]
And only together can evil be banished from this world.
Forever.
Mm.
[clears throat.]
About that.
Hypothetically, um what if, what if I didn't have the book? You don't have the book? I said hypothetically.
Come on.
[laughs nervously.]
Okay, it's true.
I don't have it.
Ruby does.
I mean the end of days is-is upon us.
There's still a chance.
Look, hopefully what ever Gary left in the cellar will take us to the Dead lands.
- Doesn't sound like a very happy place.
- Yeah, well, it's not.
It's where the Dark Ones have been imprisoned.
Man, you guys are such a buzz kill.
Let's get wasted.
All right, I should have opened this months ago.
Sorry, Brujo, let's see what you got.
Whoa This shit really happened.
Naked lady?! Dad? Dad? [door opens.]
- Pablo! - Hey.
You're still better, right? Oh, no.
Yeah.
No, no, I-I'm good.
I'm sorry about the crazy.
Are you okay? Have you seen my dad? I mean he was here a few minutes ago, and now I can't find him anywhere.
Have you checked the fridge? Are we outta beer? Nope, and I'm kinda getting worried.
[distant yelling.]
- [zapping.]
- [gasp.]
What? ASH: Oh, shit! I think your dad's in trouble.
But how would you know that? I've gotta get to the hardware store.
Kelly gets back, you let her know what's going down.
It's probably safer if you stay here.
All right? Lock the door behind me.
Wait.
What about you? I gotta roll.
Jefe needs me.
[stutters.]
Okay.
Watch your steps, 'cause your compadre sure didn't.
There's your boy.
ZOE: Poor Gary.
But at least he died battling evil.
Actually, he picked a fight with my 75 year old dad.
[vocalizing.]
Gary obviously left this translation of the lost pages for us to find.
You know, he may have found a way to open the rift! Ah rift? [yelling.]
I've been in rifts before and it never ends well.
Not like this one.
We believe it's a mystic passage between the human sphere and the dead lands.
MARCUS: Whatever comes next, I promise Gary's death will not have been in vain! Oh, Power Ranger, tone it down, man.
Nobody's even watchin'.
You don't understand.
If Gary found a way to open the rift, then you can enter the other realm and lead us in eternal battle against evil.
Hey, you know what? That sounds like a ball.
I don't really do the eternal thing.
I'm fifty [coughs.]
something, you know years old.
Why don't you just move on without me.
PABLO: Yo! Jefe? You down here? Pablo! So much has happened since I last saw - Oh, shit! - Whoa, whoa, whoa It's okay, that's my trusty sidekick.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, what is going on? Who are all these people? And what are you guys doing in this weird cellar that I never knew you had? Uh, not much, so far.
I think these guys flunked Sumerian 101.
Oh, shit! [Kelly coughs.]
[laughing.]
[grunts.]
What the fuck! I gave you a chance to join me, to fight a war you could actually win.
Yeah, well, that's still a hard pass.
Do you know what evil is, Kelly? It's power without fear, without guilt, and without pain.
Don't you ever shut the fuck up? [sighs.]
Last chance, Kelly.
Leave now and I might let you live.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Fuck that.
Evil murdered my mother.
I watched a fork go through my father's skull.
I know it's impossible for a demonic piece of shit like you to understand, but us humans? We get attached to people we love.
And when they get fucked over, we want revenge.
And I ain't leaving 'til I get mine.
It's gladiator time, bitch.
Works for me.
[rumbling.]
Gu musen ud, Ninda se, ubla con dossio refundo ma cout My God, he's deciphering the incantation! kandar Zoe, look! [rumbling.]
Oh, my God! The rift.
He's found a way to open it! He better not! Pablo! Get the hell away from that wall! [grunts.]
You had to pick today to learn a new language? I don't know what came over me.
All of a sudden I just knew.
ZOE: All right, boys, this is it! We're going in! I got a bad feeling about this.
I got this.
Hey, boys and girls, me personally, I've saved the world enough.
- But but none of this works without you.
- What I'm saying is, I'm the only Prophesied One you got.
You're not gonna try me on some Hail Mary move, are ya? He may be right.
Okay! See? Good.
Take a break, crack a few One of us should go first.
A reconnaissance! That's not what I was talking about.
You're right, Marcus.
- Good luck.
- I'll be back soon.
Gu musen ud, ubla con dossio refundo ma cout [wind howling.]
[yells.]
[rumbling.]
[yells.]
Marcus?! [grunting.]
Oh.
So much potential.
[choking.]
Now you're just gonna bleed out here on this nasty old woman's carpet? What a waste.
[yells.]
Does it hurt? [gasping.]
I hated you least of all Kelly.
[grunts and gasps.]
[gasp.]
Something's not right.
I've just got a bad feeling.
Jefe? You ain't the only one.
I've got a seriously demon vibe from this joker! Marcus! What did you see? Help me up Thank you, Peter.
We Knights stick together, right? [sizzling.]
Marcus?! [screams in pain.]
Peter! [screaming.]
[grunts.]
Oh! [growls.]
[gasps.]
[gasps.]
Sorry, man.
[grunts.]
[sizzling.]
Aww! Can't just kill the guy! Back off circus freak.
[demon voice.]
You're next.
[grunting.]
Join us.
No, I'm good.
I joined the Elks.
Kaya.
Ruby.
The rift has been opened.
Then we don't have much time.
I have a vessel.
She brought me the dagger.
And died by its blade.
The darkness is in her.
[chanting.]
Kandar roi est char Kaya.
[gasp.]
I'm here.
Ruby, the Dark Ones know about the rift.
We need to find it before they get out.
You help me drive Ash's daughter over the edge and we won't have to.
Ooh.
[grunting.]
[snarling.]
[saw buzzing.]
Ah! [saw revvs.]
Time to suck a little saw.
[screams.]
Am I the only one fighting this asshole? Go back to hell you Siamese son of a bitch! And that is how you kill a demon.
It's not as easy as it looks.
My God, they're all dead.
Welcome to my world, lady.
Shit just got really weird.
That thing is sick.
And I think some more demons want to come out.
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
You better hang on to those pages.
Pablo you gotta find a way to shut down this demonic poop chute once and for all.
Wish I could stay but I have to get back to my lovely daughter.
Brandy! It's Pop! Dad! I was so worried.
Whoa, again? Yeah, you know what they say kiddo.
A demon fighter's work is never done.
So I've heard.
Kelly! Where have you been? Looking for you quite honestly.
What is that smell? Pop Tarts.
You want one? Does the Pope shit in the woods? - I'll make two.
- Hah.
Toast it like last time.
Son of a bitch, you found it.
Lucky us.
It was buried right where we thought.
Good work, Kelly.
This changes everything.
Yes, it does.
Oh, woman, when I seen ya coming I shoulda started running You evil woman Oh, woman I offer to you my soul You ran it over hot coals Evil woman Oh, woman I thought you were a blessing But then I caught you missing Oh, woman You ain't got no feelings Just your dirty dealings Oh, evil woman, yeah the laws gonna reckon Evil woman, yeah the laws gonna beckon you Mmmm Gonna, a beckon you
Kaya? Is that you? The portal to the netherworld has been established.
Free me and I'll stand with you again.
I'll free you when I find a suitable host.
ASH: Well, Pablo has this weird writing all over him.
Maybe he can decipher.
[screams.]
PABLO: Am I dead again? You left yourself vulnerable to evil.
Now you must prove yourself worthy.
¡Yo soy el Brujo Especial! [grunts.]
ASH: That cute little kid is a demon.
What is that dastardly Ruby up to now?! He hurt me.
You've got some explaining to do Mr.
Williams.
Dad, get in! You know this is the first time you ever called me dad.
KELLY: You fuck with my Pablo, you fuck with me.
And I am done being fucked with Ruby.
[squishing.]
You're almost there.
Once that idiot Ash Williams is dead, you and I will go on to immortal glory.
[gurgling sound.]
[distant thump.]
[sighs.]
Kelly! What a lovely surprise [gunshot.]
That was for Pablo getting possessed! [gunshot.]
That was for Brandy's mom Oh, come on [gunshot.]
[grunts.]
[Ruby coughs.]
And this one? Kelly, stop This one's for me.
Shoot me all you want, you stupid girl.
You forget I'm immortal.
I didn't forget.
[sighs.]
So I brought this.
The dagger.
You're the one who found it.
Don't you just love a good surprise.
[grunts.]
[sizzling.]
It burns, doesn't it? You're not worthy.
[grunts.]
Did you really think it was gonna be that easy? Did you? Don't start a fight you can't finish All right, you she-devil fuck! Let's go.
I can't believe this! A week ago I was cramming for midterms and now I'm running from the cops! Ooh, bad idea.
Until the heat dies down, no lights.
Sounds like someone's hidden from the cops before.
I don't have to answer that.
I gotta admit, though, you handled that Delta with style.
Just gotta remember though, that ass end starts to skid, you just gotta give it - a little gas.
- A little gas.
Y'know I've been thinkin' it, now I'm gonna say it: like daughter like dad.
So that kid in your car The Demon imposter kid.
Yeah.
And you really think that that had something to do with Ms.
Prevett? Look, that little freak was running all over her house! Granted, the trunk thing might've raised some eyebrows, but this so called counselor of yours, kiddo.
I can't say enough bad things about her! [toaster pops.]
You gotta eat.
Oh, my God.
This is so much better toasted.
Look, I hear what you're saying, but Ms.
Prevett has been nothing but kind and thoughtful to me.
Okay? The stern "father" voice doesn't change that.
Oh.
Look at me.
I need to go clean up.
Demon spunk! It's so gross! [knock on door.]
Mr.
Williams! Oh, shit.
[knock on door.]
Mr.
Williams, we're with Dalton! Yeah? Oh, my God.
It's really him.
Do you guys get discounts on kneepads? Ash Williams, we're with the Knights of Oh, not this again! Spare me will you? Dalton already told me the whole boring story.
Wait.
You must know the world is in grave danger.
Look, Dalton sent for us, but he's disappeared.
All right, come on in.
Don't touch any of my stuff.
Yeah, don't kill the messenger, but I heard your buddy bought a one-way ticket to demon-ville.
Years ago, another Knight came to Elk Grove looking for you.
He never came back either.
We call ourselves the Knights of Sumeria.
[grunts.]
[yells.]
Pushy guy? Long leather jacket? Gary's here? Mm, in a dead kind of way.
He left a bunch of ancient scribbles on my cellar wall.
And these.
They're the lost pages of the Necronomicon! Don't get too excited.
Last person who read those wound up with a dagger in their back.
Mr.
Williams, if you show us this writing, we might be able to end this nightmare once and for all.
End evil.
For all time? Lady you're yankin' my crank.
No, no, we're not! Honest! You better not be, because my daughter is on evil's short-list, and she's the best cook this house ever had.
Okay, come on.
Let's roll.
[grunts.]
Big mistake coming here alone.
Maybe.
But no one else was gonna die on my watch.
And I've been waiting for this moment a long time.
Let's see whatcha got.
[grunting.]
Ohhhh, fuck! [grunts.]
[groans.]
- [bone cracks.]
- [yells.]
Fuck! [grunts.]
[whimpers.]
I'll give it to you.
Digging up that dagger, coming in here, all guns blazing, it wasn't a bad plan.
You giving out gold stars today, teach? It was a terrible plan.
[Kelly laughs.]
And your little Knight friend His name was Dalton.
Well, he's dead.
[explosion.]
We've all sworn to protect you.
It's our sacred duty.
Ah, yeah, well that's very flattering.
But this kimosabe already has a Tonto.
Hey, let's back to the part about getting rid of evil.
The Dark One that betrayed the others, knew She's got a name now.
She's called Ruby.
Ruby? Mm-hm, I guess succubus was taken.
Ruby used a Necromancer named Kaya to exile the other Dark Ones.
Look, if they get free, they'll start a war that'll destroy mankind.
But you guys are here to stop that, right? Our mission has been to find the prophesied one.
Mission accomplished baby.
It's said that he will have the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis and [coughs.]
And only together can evil be banished from this world.
Forever.
Mm.
[clears throat.]
About that.
Hypothetically, um what if, what if I didn't have the book? You don't have the book? I said hypothetically.
Come on.
[laughs nervously.]
Okay, it's true.
I don't have it.
Ruby does.
I mean the end of days is-is upon us.
There's still a chance.
Look, hopefully what ever Gary left in the cellar will take us to the Dead lands.
- Doesn't sound like a very happy place.
- Yeah, well, it's not.
It's where the Dark Ones have been imprisoned.
Man, you guys are such a buzz kill.
Let's get wasted.
All right, I should have opened this months ago.
Sorry, Brujo, let's see what you got.
Whoa This shit really happened.
Naked lady?! Dad? Dad? [door opens.]
- Pablo! - Hey.
You're still better, right? Oh, no.
Yeah.
No, no, I-I'm good.
I'm sorry about the crazy.
Are you okay? Have you seen my dad? I mean he was here a few minutes ago, and now I can't find him anywhere.
Have you checked the fridge? Are we outta beer? Nope, and I'm kinda getting worried.
[distant yelling.]
- [zapping.]
- [gasp.]
What? ASH: Oh, shit! I think your dad's in trouble.
But how would you know that? I've gotta get to the hardware store.
Kelly gets back, you let her know what's going down.
It's probably safer if you stay here.
All right? Lock the door behind me.
Wait.
What about you? I gotta roll.
Jefe needs me.
[stutters.]
Okay.
Watch your steps, 'cause your compadre sure didn't.
There's your boy.
ZOE: Poor Gary.
But at least he died battling evil.
Actually, he picked a fight with my 75 year old dad.
[vocalizing.]
Gary obviously left this translation of the lost pages for us to find.
You know, he may have found a way to open the rift! Ah rift? [yelling.]
I've been in rifts before and it never ends well.
Not like this one.
We believe it's a mystic passage between the human sphere and the dead lands.
MARCUS: Whatever comes next, I promise Gary's death will not have been in vain! Oh, Power Ranger, tone it down, man.
Nobody's even watchin'.
You don't understand.
If Gary found a way to open the rift, then you can enter the other realm and lead us in eternal battle against evil.
Hey, you know what? That sounds like a ball.
I don't really do the eternal thing.
I'm fifty [coughs.]
something, you know years old.
Why don't you just move on without me.
PABLO: Yo! Jefe? You down here? Pablo! So much has happened since I last saw - Oh, shit! - Whoa, whoa, whoa It's okay, that's my trusty sidekick.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, what is going on? Who are all these people? And what are you guys doing in this weird cellar that I never knew you had? Uh, not much, so far.
I think these guys flunked Sumerian 101.
Oh, shit! [Kelly coughs.]
[laughing.]
[grunts.]
What the fuck! I gave you a chance to join me, to fight a war you could actually win.
Yeah, well, that's still a hard pass.
Do you know what evil is, Kelly? It's power without fear, without guilt, and without pain.
Don't you ever shut the fuck up? [sighs.]
Last chance, Kelly.
Leave now and I might let you live.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Fuck that.
Evil murdered my mother.
I watched a fork go through my father's skull.
I know it's impossible for a demonic piece of shit like you to understand, but us humans? We get attached to people we love.
And when they get fucked over, we want revenge.
And I ain't leaving 'til I get mine.
It's gladiator time, bitch.
Works for me.
[rumbling.]
Gu musen ud, Ninda se, ubla con dossio refundo ma cout My God, he's deciphering the incantation! kandar Zoe, look! [rumbling.]
Oh, my God! The rift.
He's found a way to open it! He better not! Pablo! Get the hell away from that wall! [grunts.]
You had to pick today to learn a new language? I don't know what came over me.
All of a sudden I just knew.
ZOE: All right, boys, this is it! We're going in! I got a bad feeling about this.
I got this.
Hey, boys and girls, me personally, I've saved the world enough.
- But but none of this works without you.
- What I'm saying is, I'm the only Prophesied One you got.
You're not gonna try me on some Hail Mary move, are ya? He may be right.
Okay! See? Good.
Take a break, crack a few One of us should go first.
A reconnaissance! That's not what I was talking about.
You're right, Marcus.
- Good luck.
- I'll be back soon.
Gu musen ud, ubla con dossio refundo ma cout [wind howling.]
[yells.]
[rumbling.]
[yells.]
Marcus?! [grunting.]
Oh.
So much potential.
[choking.]
Now you're just gonna bleed out here on this nasty old woman's carpet? What a waste.
[yells.]
Does it hurt? [gasping.]
I hated you least of all Kelly.
[grunts and gasps.]
[gasp.]
Something's not right.
I've just got a bad feeling.
Jefe? You ain't the only one.
I've got a seriously demon vibe from this joker! Marcus! What did you see? Help me up Thank you, Peter.
We Knights stick together, right? [sizzling.]
Marcus?! [screams in pain.]
Peter! [screaming.]
[grunts.]
Oh! [growls.]
[gasps.]
[gasps.]
Sorry, man.
[grunts.]
[sizzling.]
Aww! Can't just kill the guy! Back off circus freak.
[demon voice.]
You're next.
[grunting.]
Join us.
No, I'm good.
I joined the Elks.
Kaya.
Ruby.
The rift has been opened.
Then we don't have much time.
I have a vessel.
She brought me the dagger.
And died by its blade.
The darkness is in her.
[chanting.]
Kandar roi est char Kaya.
[gasp.]
I'm here.
Ruby, the Dark Ones know about the rift.
We need to find it before they get out.
You help me drive Ash's daughter over the edge and we won't have to.
Ooh.
[grunting.]
[snarling.]
[saw buzzing.]
Ah! [saw revvs.]
Time to suck a little saw.
[screams.]
Am I the only one fighting this asshole? Go back to hell you Siamese son of a bitch! And that is how you kill a demon.
It's not as easy as it looks.
My God, they're all dead.
Welcome to my world, lady.
Shit just got really weird.
That thing is sick.
And I think some more demons want to come out.
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
You better hang on to those pages.
Pablo you gotta find a way to shut down this demonic poop chute once and for all.
Wish I could stay but I have to get back to my lovely daughter.
Brandy! It's Pop! Dad! I was so worried.
Whoa, again? Yeah, you know what they say kiddo.
A demon fighter's work is never done.
So I've heard.
Kelly! Where have you been? Looking for you quite honestly.
What is that smell? Pop Tarts.
You want one? Does the Pope shit in the woods? - I'll make two.
- Hah.
Toast it like last time.
Son of a bitch, you found it.
Lucky us.
It was buried right where we thought.
Good work, Kelly.
This changes everything.
Yes, it does.
Oh, woman, when I seen ya coming I shoulda started running You evil woman Oh, woman I offer to you my soul You ran it over hot coals Evil woman Oh, woman I thought you were a blessing But then I caught you missing Oh, woman You ain't got no feelings Just your dirty dealings Oh, evil woman, yeah the laws gonna reckon Evil woman, yeah the laws gonna beckon you Mmmm Gonna, a beckon you