Awkward s03e06 Episode Script

Previously onAwkward.
Can I crash here for the night? Matty gets the cow, the milk, and to live in the barn for free.
I am more than comfortable.
You haven't worn out your welcome? Nah.
Jenna's cool with it.
I am so not cool with it.
- I'm gonna take off.
- Are we okay? Yeah.
I forgot something.
It was Halloween-- that special time of year where students everywhere honor the dead by dressing as sluts.
Maybe the holiday wasn't ridiculous for everyone.
Maybe for some, it was the one day to dress as the best version of themselves.
If that was the case, the best version of myself was just as boring as the regular version.
But, honestly, I'd rather be boring than some poser looking to show some skin.
Unless that poser was my boyfriend, who always looked good showing skin.
Where's your costume? Oh, you were serious about dressing up.
Here.
Yeah.
Now we both can be lifeguards.
You're a cold-weather one.
And maybe later, we can meet up for a little mouth-to-mouth.
Sure, my costume was a little lame, but it really didn't matter what I was wearing, because I was-- Boring.
What does he see in her? He's a six-pack and she's the 12-dollar rack.
I can hear you.
Well, you can take the girl out of the cast, but you can't take the outcast out of the girl.
Oh.
Jenna, I love your costume.
- I'm not wearing a costume.
- Really? Because you are the best loser I've seen all morning.
Apparently, monsters went as themselves for Halloween.
Hey, Collin.
Big plans tonight? Yeah, my girlfriend is throwing a party.
Usual suspects from my Thadwicke days.
But I'm not much of a party guy.
Of course Collin hated parties.
He was above it all.
Surprise, surprise.
You went to Thadwicke? Do you know Angelique Welch? Yeah, she's my girlfriend.
How do you know her? We were best friends till 9-11.
The 9 to 11-year-old horseback riding competition.
She stole my trophy, and frankly, she had no business even being there.
Why is that? Angelique is on the cusp of libra and scorpio, which I'm sure is very exciting for you, because we all know that no one is DTF like a scorpio.
But in our riding league, the calendar year starts in September.
So, technically, she shouldn't have been a 9-11, she was a total 12-14.
Riveting.
By the way, Hamil-tart, just honk when you get to my place tonight.
I'll be ready by 7:30, - but get there by 7:15.
- What? Cebre's party.
Matty said you guys would pick me up.
Girlfriend.
My office, now.
You heard anything? About what? It's Halloween.
I'm the guidance counselor.
You do the math.
Eggs, Jenna.
Authority figures are always attacked on Halloween.
I've been egged in the face every year since the fifth grade.
But you were ten.
Even back then, it was clear what I was destined for.
This whole place could be booby-trapped.
Open that drawer.
A bedpan.
Someone's definitely screwing with you.
No, that's mine.
At times like this, I can't leave the bunker.
If I could find a safe house, I would.
Normally, I'd hole up at the Olive Garden, but I can't go back there ever since we had a dispute over the meaning of the never ending pasta bowl.
More like the 10:30 PM ending pasta bowl.
By the way, I've been so caught up with myself, I didn't even notice your Halloween costume.
You a cokehead? I'm a cold-weather lifeguard.
It's zinc.
Oh.
I needed to blend in and not draw attention to myself, so I decided to go as a totally average, everyday, run-of-the-mill student.
You look like me.
What? Do you think I'm boring? Is this about the hot list? Don't worry.
I have a feeling I won't make the cut this year either.
"The hot list"? Let me spare you the suspense.
You didn't make the cut.
_ I was beginning to sense a theme to the Halloween festivities.
Jenna Hamilton wasn't in the same category as Matty McKibben.
- Hey, what's going on? - Haven't you heard? I'm not good enough for Matty.
He's hot, and I'm not, and everyone knows it.
And I really can't handle going to Cebre's party tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down.
It's okay.
Just please don't tell anyone that I cried about this.
Why were you crying? Jake told you I was crying? Yeah, but he didn't tell me why.
Okay, he told me why.
But Jake and I tell each other everything.
That's why Jakara works so well.
The basics of a happy relationship all boil down to one simple rule-- Share.
S-H-A-R-E.
"S" is for sexual chemistry, we're 16, so that takes care of itself.
"H" is for heart.
You gotta keep it open.
"A" is for aroma.
Thankfully, we both keep it clean.
"R" is for remote control.
You don't always have to win that fight.
And finally, "E," excitement.
You have to keep each other on your toes.
Never knowing what's around the corner, but taking it all in stride.
And, honestly, who wouldn't be excited about you? Don't cry over what that rando Cebre says.
You're the shit.
So put your hater shades on and black out her vibes because her words mean nothing.
And her name is Cebre.
Enough said.
We're on Cebre's hot list.
Oh, my God, we're somebodies! "Salt and pepper"? We're clearly sugar and spice.
So what time do you guys want to go to Cebre's party tonight? Uh, you know, I'm not really feeling it.
Maybe we'll all just hang out at my house instead.
Are you serious? I'm with Jake.
It's not really my scene.
I'd probably just end up hiding in the car all night.
So we're just gonna sit at home and be lame for Halloween, huh? Lame-- there it was again.
And this time it wasn't coming from Cebre.
It was coming from Matty.
I had to do something to put the "E" back in my share.
I have a better idea.
Why don't we bail on Cebre's party and crash a cooler one instead? Are you sure it's okay we're not in costumes? Halloween without costumes just feels bizarre.
Not everyone wears a costume on Halloween.
And why did we take two cars? In case we need a getaway car.
Or if we get split up.
Sadie, how does it feel to be our plus-one? Please.
You're my plus-four.
And I'm not here to hang out with you.
I'm here for my golden horseshoe.
No, we're here to crash.
Then let's crash this bitch.
How do we crash this bitch? Um I vote "window.
" I think we should go around back.
- I completely disagree.
Window.
- Okay.
You find your window, and Tamara and I will go the back way.
We'll see you inside.
I think falling into a party through a window is a stupid idea, okay? We can't just-- Okay, so maybe I was wrong about the costumes.
Thadwicke kids apparently weren't into red cups and random hookups.
We were underdressed and out of our league.
This was a mistake.
We need to bail.
- What about Sadie? - Leave her.
Who are you? - Uh, friends of Angel? - Angelique? Yeah.
We know her boyfriend.
I haven't seen that douche all night.
What? You think he's a douche? I didn't say it, but, yeah, kind of.
Hey, Collin.
Come get your drink.
One sec.
Collin? Is there a safe in the house? Can I help you? Jesus.
You almost scared the shit out of me.
That would have been embarrassing.
- Who are you? - Who are you? - I asked you first.
- I asked you second.
Shut up, Dexter.
My name's Austin, not Dexter.
But you can call me Dexter, not Austin.
If you want.
Whatever.
Would you happen to know where they keep the valuables in this house? Unless you're the "they," in which case forget I asked.
Sadie Saxton.
Angelique Welch.
- What's up with Boo Radley? - Ignore him.
But you-- you look amazing.
I wouldn't have recognized you from the front since your face has hollowed out so much.
But from behind, I knew those wide hips could only belong to Sadie Saxton.
And they do.
Look at you.
I love your costume.
If I had a small chest, I'd be so afraid to wear that, - but you are so making it work.
- Aw.
I love how we can always pick up right where we left off.
Wait, where did we leave off? Where didn't we? It was a competition.
The golden hoof, right? No, that wasn't it.
The golden saddle? The golden horseshoe.
Oh, yes.
You rode so hard that day.
You made me a better rider.
It was so close.
It really could have gone to either one of us.
If only they had a tie, but they didn't.
You know, something in this area is making me nauseous.
Excuse me.
Feel better.
All right, we're in.
Now what? This is so anticlimactic.
I'm glad we wasted ten minutes debating how to crash, and no one even noticed.
And now we stand out like assholes because we don't have costumes.
Remind me to never listen to Jenna.
Trick-or-treat.
Get in the pic.
Look out! Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay.
It's okay.
- Uh, here.
Let me just-- - Oh! If you move, you'll rip my face.
If you move, you'll rip my sweater.
It's worth three gift cards.
Jake, huge emergency.
Get help.
I'm on it.
- Ow.
- Uh-- - Collin, I am so, so sorry.
Enough.
You were forgiven Have a drink.
I did need a drink to take off the edge of my social ineptitude.
Oh, gorgeous.
I love photography.
It's Elisabeth Caren.
She's an emerging artist garnering lots of attention right now.
It's cool.
It's subtle.
It's sexy.
Exactly.
That's why people are really into her stuff.
Angelique is obsessed.
You got a good eye, man.
Once again, Matty was in and I was out.
I'm starting to feel suffocated.
Where's your boyfriend? Do not move your mouth.
Any small movement can cause a snag.
Or a permanent deformity.
Jake! Jake! Why are you yelling? Where have you been? Right behind you.
What's wrong with you? He's high.
Are you high? How did you get high? Did you eat a space cookie? I ate a cookie, but I didn't know it was from space.
Oh, my God.
You are high.
Listen to me.
I can't lose you right now.
This is very serious.
I need you to go find some pliers or tweezers.
So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna be honest with my mom.
Tell her that I don't want to sit next to Uncle Rod at Thanksgiving this year.
I can't.
I won't.
Jake! Focus! Get help! I would have to agree.
I think he'd kill it in the World Series.
Ange.
Meet my friends.
- Matty and Jenna.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How do you know Collin? We're in the same creative writing class.
You're the blogger, right? I'm obsessed with Ryan from Thought Catalog, and don't even get me started on Molls.
Have you heard of them? Yeah, I've heard of-- No.
You should check them out.
Hey, a game of confession is about to start up.
Fantastic.
Are you guys in? - Yes.
- No.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Go on, my child.
Remember when I wasn't in school for two weeks because I was in Rio with my parents? I wasn't in Rio.
I was at the Bev Hills Four Seasons.
I got a nose job.
- False.
- False.
True.
I always hated my nose.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Go on, my child.
So you know how everyone thinks Rob and I were each other's first? Not so much.
There was another.
- False.
- False.
Nope.
True.
I fell off a ski lift in Montana and broke my hymen.
So my first was a mountain man.
Hey, it's just like dirty little secret.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Go on, my child.
I felt up my grandparents' special Ed neighbor when I was 11.
True.
Uh, yeah.
Drink.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Go on, my child.
I didn't know what I could say that would make me sound interesting.
I was the result of a teenage pregnancy? Boring.
Or that I had an extensive hoodie collection? Lame.
There was nothing on the tip of my tongue but stress from my lack of ability to impress.
You can pass.
No, no.
It's okay.
I was the girl who tried to kill herself.
It's gotta be free Say that again.
You were the girl who tried to kill herself? False.
True.
Drink.
You tried to kill yourself? Not technically.
It's a little bit more complicated than that.
Confess.
Okay, so here's what happened.
I bumped uglies with my boyfriend, but we weren't together at the time, so-- That's really fa-jacked.
You need to set boundaries with your mom.
I know.
I just don't know how.
My mom's really fragile.
She got the same tattoo of your boyfriend as you.
That's not fragile.
It's psycho.
You're right.
I should confront her.
But I don't want to be along for the ride.
We need to find Jake.
We gotta move.
Jake! Well, it's just you and me, sideshow.
My name is Lisa.
So then I'm walking around school with this huge arm cast that looks like a tree branch, not to mention makes me an open target for random high fives.
And I have to have weekly sessions with my guidance counselor, who, frankly, needs more counseling than me.
She wears a fanny pack.
Why aren't you writing about this? Oh, I think you have the market cornered on dark stuff.
I don't even know what that means.
Please, you are such a drama king.
"What's up? My name is Collin.
I'm totally misunderstood.
Just a work in progress.
Just thinking about drowning in the nothingness of life.
" All right, all right.
You don't have to laugh so hard.
You nailed it.
This party blows.
I give up.
I can't find that horseshoe anywhere.
Whoo! Dance party! - Let's do it! - Let's do it! It was weird.
My suicide story, which made me a freak at my high school, apparently made me a hero in theirs.
I fit in.
Even without a costume.
Almost, almost.
I got it! Oh! - Jake? - You all right? Jake.
As expected, my fitting in would be immediately followed by getting kicked out.
Thanks to Jake, who had an entirely different interpretation of crashing a party.
Stop starting at me.
I'm not staring at you.
I believe you have something - that belongs to my sister.
- No.
I believe I have something that belongs to me.
You can't leave with the horseshoe unless you pony up.
With cash? Seven digits.
A million dollars for a fucking horseshoe? Your phone number.
Fine.
Give me your cell.
This is Adam.
That's not your number.
Happy? Sometimes.
The ritalin helps.
Thanks for your help.
You totally didn't have to.
Yes, I do.
I am the one who brought the mess makers.
Who have seemingly disappeared along with my boyfriend.
- Have you seen him? - Matty? That was your boyfriend? I know, I'm lucky.
Actually, um, don't take this the wrong way, but-- It was about to happen again.
How did a girl like me end up with a guy like-- He's adorable, but aren't you a little bored? What do you mean? I'm sorry.
I hope that wasn't offensive.
It's just that you're an odd couple, and you seem a little out of his league.
Ange, come say good-bye.
Oh.
Sorry.
Was it really possible that in an alternative universe Jenna Hamilton was cooler than Matty McKibben? How long have you been in here? Ah, not too long.
Why? Mm, I don't know.
I wasn't really feeling that party or those people.
But since you were, I didn't want to be a buzzkill.
Do you want to go to Cebre's? Do you? No.
What do you see in me? Where did that come from? Nowhere.
I'm just curious.
What is it that you like about me? You're a good person.
The best person I know.
And every moment I spend with you, I get better.
And me.
What do you like about me? Abs, teeth, abs, hair, abs.
The same thing.
Maybe I was just as superficial as Cebre.
Oh, and one more thing-- you're beautiful.
So what if someone thought I was lame or Matty was boring.
Beauty was in the eye of the beholder.
And what I was beholding was pretty frickin' awesome.
Next onAwkward.
Once again, homecoming pinning was in process.
Jenna Hamilton, will you be-- - Matty's girl.
Yes, I will.
What's the point of all this anyway? - What do you mean? - Matty.
He doesn't even dance.
I really cannot dance.
That's why you have me.