Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

1 WOMAN: Oh my god oh my god, has it started? Am I late? No no no no no, you're just in time.
You're just in time.
Okay, so, when we last left it WOMAN 2: James found the incriminating cellphone bill.
- Yes.
- But then Hillary confronted him with his affair with her twin.
I cannot get enough of this relationship.
- (GRUNTING) - Okay, here we go.
Okay.
JAMES: You're spouting bullshit all over the place.
It's a room full of bullshit right now, Hillary.
HILLARY: I want a divorce! Oh, plot twist.
WOMAN 2: Oh, god I love it when they drink.
- We have the best neighbours.
- Mhm.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends we'll spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey hey There's no clouds, it's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (LAUGHTER) It was hilarious.
- Hey darling.
- Hi.
We're going to go for some after work drinks, do you want to join? Aaahhh - No.
- Oh.
- Huh? - No, I don't.
I don't, I don't want to.
And I don't know why, why would I do that? Well just for, I don't know, just because.
- Just because.
- Because why? Because why? - Huh.
- Hm.
WOMAN 1: That is a good question actually.
I know, like if I actually think about it, we're not friends.
No, no, we're co-workers and we spend eight hours a day together Monday to Friday.
- Yes.
- WOMAN 1: I have other friends.
- Friends I like a lot more.
- Me, too.
WOMAN SITTING: Oh my god, I've got so many friends.
I've got so many friends.
WOMAN IN BLACK: Okay, hold on a second, you mean that instead of doing this we could just go home to our houses right now and be with our families? Mhm.
- Thank you! - No problem.
I'm going to see you Monday, 9:00 AM, not a moment before.
Get out.
Okay.
I will ignore you if I see you on the subway.
Not if I ignore you first.
WOMAN SITTING: Okay.
- God, this feels great.
- Don't look at me, it's after 5:00.
Don't breathe near me, it's well after 5:00.
God I love those girls.
Hey gals! - SARA: Hello.
- CHANDRA: Oh, hi.
WOMAN 1: I was just thinking, what would book club be without snacks? (IN UNISON) Yay! WOMAN 1: I know, so I made brownies.
- Oh! - Give me some brownies.
I want some brownies.
I want some brownies.
(SINGING) Anyway, it'd be lovely to have some brownies.
WOMAN 1: The best part is, I made them out of black beans.
- Yes, I know! - SARA: Wow.
I think I saw that on Pinterest like, like I know you can do that.
Instead of eggs I used flax seed, instead of oil I used applesauce, instead of sugar I used maple syrup, and instead of maple syrup I used agave.
- Try one.
Honestly, try one.
- That's clever.
WOMAN 4: Hey, everybody! Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late.
Also, I did not read the book.
Ah, neither did I.
We were supposed to read a book? - I did.
- Well, to make up for it, I brought brownies! (SCREAMING EXCITEDLY) SARA: Toot toot! Those look like they have icing.
- They both look good.
- Are those, uh, black bean brownies? No, they're just regular brownies.
Oh, what's in them.
WOMAN 4: Oh um, water and whatever's in the mix I guess.
You know.
(LAUGHING) Well, I guess there's lots of choice - for everyone to choose from.
- There is.
Sara, Chandra, choose a brownie? SARA: Yeah.
Here we go.
These are 100% organic.
Oh, yeah.
They're so low on the glycemic index.
Hers are from a box and they're probably full of sugar And chemicals.
- Okay, you know what - I'll just try it.
I'm gonna just try these first.
It's my cheat day, so.
Mine are just as good as hers.
- Mm.
- Check it out.
Okay.
Mmm.
Oh, mmm.
Mmm.
- Mm.
- That good? - WOMAN 1: Mhm.
- Are they good? WOMAN 1: These are so full of nutrients.
SARA: How are the beans? Full of fibre.
Mhm, yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum.
CHANDRA: Yeah, you're really proving a point.
This is basically like eating a salad.
You can see that, it looks like eating a salad.
- Oh, oh god.
- Bad salad, though.
Probably.
(RETCHING) (GROANING) - SARA: That's off putting at a party.
- CHANDRA: Yeah.
(RETCHING) You know, maybe we should leave? No, I have a babysitter, this is my one night out.
Also, there's a shit ton of weed in these brownies.
Oh, weed in the brownies! Probably shouldn't go anywhere for at least three hours, you know what I'm saying? Right on.
Wanna watch Indiana Jones? - WOMAN 4: I do! - (GARBLED) Yes.
Hi, I would like to return this.
Oh you can't return a driver's licence.
- Yeah, still, I'd like to return it.
- Not a thing you can do.
Okay, uh, I don't think you understand.
This is my old licence.
Wow, that's You look like Aileen Wuornos with a A comb over, yeah, I know.
I know, okay.
So that was my nightmare for five years, okay? Two weeks ago, I came in here to renew my licence.
This morning it came in the mail and it's even worse.
I don't think it can be worse than that.
I'm sorry.
Ah ha ha! - Tina? - Mhm.
CLERK: Tina, Tina, come here.
TINA: Ha, I'm sorry, no, no, I'm sorry.
You gotta understand, this is so good.
I'm sorry, we see these all day.
(LAUGHING) Okay, so you see the problem.
Uh, no, I'm not sure that we do, no.
When you look at this licence after you stop laughing, what is your first reaction? - Smash it with a rock.
- Yes.
Smash it with a rock.
It's dangerous to me, so.
Well it's just, um, I I don't think you can return a driver's licence.
That's not something we've ever done, so no.
(SIGHS) Fine.
You know what we can do? - What's that? - Take your photo again.
- For - $31.
(GASPS) Well, let's do that then! Okay, great, okay.
Okay, I'm just going to put on a little lipstick and, um (CLICK) What? - It's $31 please.
- No, but I wasn't looking.
- That's, um - Sorry.
That's sixty - Two.
- $62.
Okay, hold on, just give me a second.
- CLERK: Oh, $93.
- Come on, ladies.
I'm not a millennial, I don't know angles, I mean - Oh.
- Seven, three.
That's where that face came from.
CLERK: Oh, look at it.
Hi, Aileen.
$135.
- Five.
- Five.
Okay, that one I wasn't even looking.
I'm pretty sure that's not legal.
- $166.
- $166.
That's the number of the beast.
Was it, really? (SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL) WOMAN 1: Where have you been? I am sorry I'm late, I couldn't find the right shirt.
- So.
- Hm.
Okay, we have 20 minutes left.
Let's go join the queue, okay, before visitation ends.
Yeah, I understand, - but I just see that you're a bit nervous.
- I'm a bit amped up.
You can get a bit awkward in situations like this, so I just want us to come up with a plan - before we talk to the family.
- Oh, I'm sorry, there will be no plan.
There is no plan.
Our friend's father just died, so we, let's just say something that actually means something.
You know what's best in situations like this? - What? - Sorry for your loss.
Oh, hi, does it look like I just stepped out of a greeting card? I don't think so.
You look like you stepped out of a vampire movie.
- Well, thank you.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Here we go.
It's okay, just a deep breath.
Follow her lead, okay? My condolences to you and your family.
WOMAN 2: I'm sorry, that is so boring.
It's just what you say.
It's hollow and it doesn't mean anything.
It means best.
Watch how it's done.
- Okay? - Okay.
Your dad's dead, that's a fact.
Just say sorry for your loss.
- (PATRIOTIC INSTRUMENTAL) - All the world's a stage, and everyone on it dies.
Do you want ham? - (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - You're all like a starfish, and when one of the arms gets torn off and thrown away, it grows back.
I mean I'm not saying that your dad's a zombie, but I'm not saying that he's not one.
Zombies aren't so bad.
They're very popular, they're very in right now.
- (CLASSICAL MUSIC) - Just keep on truckin'.
What? Dad died in a car accident, right? I'm bleeding for you, metaphorically.
Although in a couple days I probably just will be bleeding, like from nature.
That's just too private, okay? (BAGPIPE MUSIC) - (JIG MUSIC) - Never too late to cremate.
My dad died in a fire.
What, from the truck crash and then It exploded.
- SON: I am not ready for - Whammo.
- What? Whoa - There you go.
I bet you're not thinking about you dad right now.
Okay.
You can skip me.
'Cause you're married in, so this doesn't hurt you as much probably.
It's pretty sad.
- You know what? - Okay.
- You're welcome.
- Come on, Janet Jackson.
I didn't I didn't ask for that.
She gets a bit nervous.
What she means is, I'm I'm she's sorry for your loss.
Dale's mom's dead, that's a downside.
Upside, her father's French and he doesn't mind going downstairs.
- What? - Please don't fix my father up.
I just, I heard sex gets way better with age.
Not with my father.
She just gets a bit nervous.
Oh no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- Get away! Get away! I have one more thing in me tonight, ready? This one's called half price casket.
It's five, six, seven, eight, Dale.
Paula said her mom is going to be a little bit late.
- Half price casket - If you sing along with her, - it'll end sooner.
- I got a really good deal Close the lid before he starts to peel Just sing along.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh LESLIE: Um, and they gave me a store credit, which was very nice.
That was nice of them.
MAN: You know what I want to say, those are some great socks.
CARL: Oh, thank you.
They're the most interesting thing about me.
Oh no.
Think about it, to the kids today the '60s are like the '20s for us.
WOMAN SITTING: Those socks are so cute.
Rachel, Rachel, look.
- RACHEL: What? - Look at these, look at - Look at Hillary's socks.
- Oh my god.
RACHEL: Those are great, that's like a banana and a blender.
- It's a banana smoothie! - That's what it is.
- Oh my goodness.
- Oh! You're so creative, she's so creative.
- HILLARY: Thank you.
- Carl, Carl! That's so creative, look how creative she is.
I know, I saw them.
Wow, those are some funky socks.
They are, they're funky.
So funky.
So funky.
You need to take those socks straight to funky town.
(LAUGHER AND CHATTERING) So funky! So funky.
I love that song.
Oh my god Leslie, you are going all out.
Look at these, these are incredible.
Oh, no big deal.
They're just some deconstructed tortillas I made.
I'm not even going to touch them, I just want a little bit - RACHEL: Carl, Carl.
Pst.
- What? Get a load of Leslie's socks.
(GASPS) CARL: Oh no! (CHUCKLES) Look at those.
They are just some, um, tiny roast turkey dinner socks.
(GROUP EXCLAIMING) Now that is funky! So funky.
That's funky cold Medina.
- Funky cold Medina! - I remember that song.
I remember that song.
It's so funky.
Heather's got roast turkey socks on, too! No I don't.
Two people with turkey dinner socks? WOMAN SITTING: What? HEATHER: Oh no, they're they're actually, they're they're not turkey dinner socks.
RACHEL: What? Look at them so great.
Show us your socks.
Yeah.
(IN UNISON CHANTING) Show us your socks! Show us your turkey dinner socks! They were just an impulse buy.
- Show us! - Just an impulse buy.
RACHEL: Are they ears or something? LESLIE: Oh, or shrimp maybe? - No, no, no.
- RACHEL: Croissants? HEATHER: No, no.
They're actually, they're a collection of tiny fetuses.
- Oh.
- Tiny fetuses? Yes, you can see the hands in there all curled up there.
- LESLIE: Yeah, I see that now, yeah.
- HEATHER: That's a nose.
Funky! (GROUP EXCLAIMING) That's what I thought.
I love them.
I was thinking about 2001: A Space Odyssey.
- Oh! - The Star Child.
Oh, yeah.
In the beginning.
- Yeah, and also my miscarriage.
- I love this party.
Um, I just filled the Brita.
What? The Brita, I filled it.
I, I don't understand.
I was in the kitchen and, uh, I saw the Brita.
I noticed it was empty and then, uh, I don't know, it's like the Brita and me shared a moment.
And then before I knew it, I was just filling it.
- Babe, this is huge! - I know.
I know, I saw what needed to be done.
And then I did it.
I am so attracted to you right now.
Hey, what are you doing? Are you trying to sexually reward me for doing chores? No! Am I? No.
No, no, you filling the Brita without being asked is sexually exciting to me.
I'm turned on right now.
Is that a thing? (SCOFFS) I don't know how to respond to that.
- Hey, where are you going? - I'm going to the kitchen.
I noticed the fridge needs to be cleaned out.
Oh, that's so hot.
Stop it! This is not about you.
This is about me exploring my relationship with what needs to be done around here.
Holy shit, we have plants.
- These need to be watered.
- Oh my god, oh.
(PANTING) Siri, is chore porn a thing? SIRI: There are 12 million results for chore porn.
Whoa.
Okay, what are they? SIRI: Okay, would you like hardcore chore, chore whore, daddy's duties.
Yes, all of it.
Just hang on a second.
Babe? Uh, I'm going upstairs for a second.
Oh yeah, you wet that counter.
Mmm mmm! HUSBAND: Stop it! - Have you guys been to one of these before? - No.
I think it's cool that they're doing something.
Me, too.
- Like, they're gonna just use it against us.
- What? Are you gonna say what you think? Thank you, Michael, and thank you all for being here today.
First off I just want to remind everybody that this listening circle is a safe space for all of us to share our feelings.
The company can't fix a problem they don't know exists.
So I want you to share your truths, your hopes, your fears, dare I say your dreams.
Now I'm an executive, but I'm also one of you.
I don't dye away my greys, I put on my pantsuit one leg at a time, just like all of you.
This is Michael, he's here to keep me honest.
(CHUCKLES) Hi Michael.
So, who wants to start? Oh, um, go ahead, Ellen.
Hello.
I would just like to say, um, that I don't know if management really, I'm not sure that management appreciates - the work that we do sometimes.
- Yeah.
EXECUTIVE: Thank you for your bravery and your honesty.
(APPLAUDING) She's fired.
Who's next? PINK SHIRT: I'd like a little more leeway at work.
There tends to be a lot of micromanaging at the office.
EXECUTIVE: Your vulnerability is beautiful.
Thank you for being strong enough to show us all your weakness.
(APPLAUDING) Make sure her contract ends tomorrow.
Great, who's next? Um, sometimes I go into the staff washroom and I I cry 'cause I'm so frustrated by constantly being railroaded in conversa EXECUTIVE: Well that's not going to happen here today.
Michael, get a box for her things.
Thank you.
Anyone? Anyone else have something they want to say openly? - Oh.
- Hey.
EXECUTIVE: Got something to say? Uh, yeah, I just I just want to say that I've been noticing that anytime someone says anything even like remotely negative or just a truth about their experience, like their contracts don't get renewed - or they get fired.
- Security.
BROWN SWEATER: I noticed that Karen's box of things - just got packed up and - (GASPING) Urg.
EXECUTIVE: Ah.
Oh my god.
Anyone else? It's a safe space.
Wheel away faster.
It's a safe space.
(CRYING) We've done some great work here today.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh CECE: I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm not afraid to say it.
And I'm just gonna come out with it.
Tired of being single? I'm tired of being single.
And the two of you are very lucky.
You know why you're lucky? 'Cause we're both in relationships? CECE: Because you are both in relationships.
I'm tired and I'm over it.
- You know what, Cece? - What? PAM: I have an idea.
And ah, yes.
- Okay, this is Jonathan.
- Wow.
PAM: He's six feet tall and not hard to look at.
- Hello, Jonathan.
- Hello, Cece.
Mama like some of that Ow, Mama like some of that Ha, ha, wait, no, stop That's a goddamn escort service.
Okay okay CECE: No, no, no, Pam.
What, I'm gonna pay for penis now? PAM: Hear me out ladies, you know how some female escorts, they provide the girlfriend experience.
They stay overnight with clients, they go on dates, that kind of thing.
Okay, well, this guy he provides the boyfriend experience.
Women hire him all the time to pretend to be their boyfriend for the night.
- No shame.
- CECE: Really? - That's not a thing.
- It's a thing! - It isn't.
- PAM: It's totally a thing.
- There's no shame? - Nuhuh.
There's no shame in paying for it? PAM: No, and you're gonna find out 'cause I just booked it for you.
You are going out with Jonathan! I'm gonna go for PAM: A boyfriend experience! Dollars for dicks round.
- Dollars for dicks.
- Dollars for dicks.
(SOFT LIVELY MUSIC) I read this fantastic book.
It's called "The Endless Existential Ache".
Oh, I just read a really great review of that book last week.
They said it was like a timeless allegory for social disintegration.
I wrote the review.
The guy's critique on it was just, it's really amazing, you should really read it.
I don't have to 'cause I wrote it.
I wrote the review.
The words that you're speaking of, I wrote.
I wrote.
You know what else you should read? Um, I don't know if you're big into Chinese sci-fi at all.
- Oddly, no.
- But there's this book, it's a bit heady, but I think you could probably handle it.
(GRUNTING) Yeah.
I just have to get my dress off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wait, wait! (MOANING AND SCREAMING IN ECSTASY) Oh, oh oh oh oh.
(CHUCKLES) You came, right? No I don't know how one could.
(SNORING) And I said why an oven mitt? And he said I'd read about it somewhere.
CECE: Pam! - Jenny, sorry.
- PAM: Oh, Cece.
CECE: Hello, I I just I have to tell you, the date was amazing.
He was rude to me.
He explained my own writing to me.
He did not go down on me.
He left my dinger high and dry and he split before dawn.
Wow! Yes, thank you for reminding me that my single life is fantastic.
- JENNY: You're welcome.
- You are welcome.
Cheers.
Here's to buffin your own muffin! PAM: Buffin your muffin.
- Yeah! - PAM: Yeah.
Single! How's your shitty relationships? - (DRAMATIC MUSIC) - RESEARCHER 1: Ah, thank goodness it's the last load.
Yeah, I mean it was a lot of reading and a lot of heavy lifting, but I do believe we have rounded up all the books to store for all eternity.
Yes.
Well, preserving the complete works of Shakespeare for generations to come, that's worth a few sleepless nights.
- I'd say.
- Yeah.
I'd say.
I mean, what a genius this man was, you know? - What a - Genius.
RESEARCHER 2: What about, uh What about this one? Taming of the Shrew? A bit problematic, wouldn't you say? - With all the misogyny - Oh, well, yes.
- You know, and all that? - Yes, yeah.
But, uh, it is a classic.
- It's a classic.
- What can you do? What can you do? What can you do.
I mean, I suppose it could just not make it into storage.
Wait, how would it not make it into storage? RESEARCHER 2: Oh, I don't know.
- I don't know, maybe - (CLATTERING) Cheeky.
Well, if that's what we're doing, then let's get rid of Othello and Merchant of Venice, because they are problematic to say the least.
Okay, well listen, if we're gonna talk problematic, - you know what? - Let's dig in.
I was taking a look over here.
Uh, yeah, here we go.
Heart of Darkness? - Joseph Conrad? - Oh, get rid of it.
Yeah, yeah? It's okay, okay.
- Oh, Kipling? - [IN UNISON.]
Uh, racist! - Uh, Lewis Carroll? - Pedo.
Pedo, yeah.
Oh do we know that for sure? We don't, ah, you know what? Let's be safe.
- Just to be on the safe side.
- Okay, gone, gone.
Racist, wife beater, racist and a wife beater.
We've got homophobe.
Homophobe, Colonialist, racist, sexist, racist.
All, honestly, I think the whole 19th Century is a write off.
Yeah, and the, uh, I don't know, the 20th century is it's not looking great.
(BANGING) Tolstoy? - Too privileged.
- Yeah.
Margaret Atwood? - Too trendy.
- Yeah.
Toni Morrison? - Too accurate.
- Too accurate, yeah.
The Little Prince? RESEARCHER 1: No, it encourages child labour.
Toxic masculinity, toxic femininity.
Oh! The three little bears.
RESEARCHER 2: Too big bear, little bear, who's a bear.
- and what are they - Really, yeah, hierarchical.
What about Proust? - Too wordy.
- Yeah, definitely too wordy.
Well, I mean, so much memory.
RESEARCHER 1: Yeah, stop the memory.
Get out of yourself.
Talk to some people.
Rape apologist.
Too many pictures.
Yeah, too many pictures.
This book gave me cancer.
- Too footnotey.
- Too footnotey.
- Too Western.
- Too Western.
- Animal Farm? - Very classist.
All right, here's one we can keep.
How about Celestine Prophecy? I really liked this one.
Oh my god, there's no way we're putting that in.
All right well if we are not putting it in, - then I'm keeping Eat, Pray, Love.
- No! I do not want future generations to think that we're a bunch of privileged rich white women - going on holiday.
- But we are.
But I don't want to be.
Oh, remember that holiday we took last year? - My god, it was good.
- It was amazing.
Now that was fun.