Batman (1966) s03e06 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Sunday afternoon in Gotham City.
A day of rest for everyone, including crime-fighters.
.
.
or so it seems.
I was very glad that you could accompany me to the accordion recital this afternoon, Barbara.
There's nothing I like better than hearing "Lady of Spain" played eight times.
That is beautiful.
Daddy's been wanting us to get better acquainted for some time now.
Indeed.
Mm.
Time passes very swiftly with pleasant company.
Would you like to watch the television news broadcast together? That's why the shades are drawn, isn't it? And on a local front, this news is happening now.
The anonymous informant who has correctly predicted two prior robberies has added a third.
And this station now knows who that informant is.
For that live story, we switch controls to Mobile Unit Number 7.
Ah! Hello out there in television land.
This is King Tut speaking with yet another prediction of a crime to come.
The police, those sometime guardians of your life and property have chosen to ignore my prior prognostications and the results were two successful criminal actions.
Heh.
With that in mind, here is my third prognostication.
Andrew's Hockey Puck Factory on West 20th will be robbed before I finish my next sentence.
Yes, commissioner.
He's not in, but I can get him in a hurry.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Be right there.
What's that? Oh, it's my wristwatch alarm.
I'm sorry, Barbara, I'd forgotten I have a meeting at the Wayne Foundation later today.
Oh, don't mention it.
Business before pleasure.
Oh, but you might drop me at my beauty salon.
It's right around the corner.
Thanks, Alfred.
Goodbye, Bruce.
Dick, Bruce here.
Commissioner Gordon called.
Our friend the Yale professor was hit by a brick at a love-in.
He's become King Tut again and apparently he's up to some nefarious scheme.
Where is the scoundrel currently situated? Well, he set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot at the corner of 6th and Albert.
I've been informed he intends predicting another crime this afternoon.
Let's go, Robin.
The longer we tarry, the more dire the peril.
NARRATOR".
Shortly thereafter in King Tut's current habitat the scurrilous scalawag is plying his newfound trade to an interested assemblage.
Oh, mystical, magical Prince of Darkness .
"ooh,hoo".
I invoke your name and call upon your spirit.
I beseech you to tell me the time and place of the next robbery.
- In the name of everything that's nasty -Pardon me.
give me your answer, do.
Ladies and gentlemen here is my next prediction.
Come off it, Tut.
Your predictions are nothing but phony, fatuous flimflam.
Who dares impugn the veracity of Tut Nabob of the Nile, Moon God of Thoth, and stuff like that? By the instep of Ramses, I'll have his head! This is all part of some dastardly trick, Tut.
Why don't you come with me and let us have your head examined? Stand back, you Caped Crumbum.
I'm now on your side of the law now.
I'll bet you are.
He is.
He's on all sides of the law.
What is going to happen, Tut? In less than one hour the box office at the Soccer Stadium will be robbed.
As a citizen of Gotham City, I would like to see that crime thwarted.
This town can be a better, safer place to live.
I just love better, safer places to live.
Ha! Whether or not you care to act on this information is of little consequence, my Dynamic Dum-Dums.
I have cleared my conscience by reporting to the law.
The rest is up to you.
- Let's go, Robin.
-You mean you really believe him? Robin, the Constitution provides that a man is innocent until proven guilty.
And the Constitution is the cornerstone of our great nation.
We must abide by it.
Gosh, when you put it that way, Batman, how can I help but agree? Excuse me.
Good day.
All right, crime fans, that's all for today.
Come back tomorrow for some brand-new predictions.
Ah! Wasn't I magnificent? Again.
Ha, ha.
Shirley, fan me.
Oh, I am, Tutsy-poo.
These feathers sure came from a heavy ostrich.
Osiris, I want some fruit.
Nubis, peel it.
You still haven't told us what your plans are.
Prime your ears.
Your fabulous pharaoh has given all this free information to the police in order to worm his way into their confidence.
When the propitious moment arises, I'll send them on a wild flamingo chase whilst I commit the crime of the century.
Toast it.
Give up without a struggle, we'll make things easier for you.
If not, you may be severely pummeled about the head and shoulders.
Hello, Robin.
A nice bracelet for you.
And a little something for you, Batman.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, a seemingly innocent idle bystander is neither innocent nor idle.
Congratulations.
We heard about the skirmish and rushed right over.
Your timing, as usual, is flawless, commissioner.
Only a little more time, vassals.
A bit of watchful waiting.
That little blip is the Batmobile.
When it disappears, the Dynamic Dingbats will have gone into the Batcave.
And as soon as that happens, we'll know exactly where that accursed place is and have a direct line on their true identities.
Ah! It's disappeared.
Quickly, coordinates.
- Forty degrees longitude - Longitude.
- 12 minutes north.
- Twelve, north.
- Forty-three degrees latitude - Three in the-- eight minutes east.
East.
Carry the four.
Ha! Oh, I'll be a son of a Byzantine king.
- Do you know where that is? -The zoo? The Batcave is directly under stately Wayne Manor.
That means that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same and one.
- Where's Alfred? -He's probably out shopping.
Today is market day and he likes to take advantage of the specials.
Hello.
Hello, Batman.
This is your monarch speaking.
King Tut, and he asked for Batman.
Holy heart failure.
You have the wrong number.
There's no one here by that name.
Come off it, you Caped Cockamamie.
Give it to him, Tutsy.
You've got him by the cowl now.
Ha, ha.
Be a good sport, Batman.
Admit you've been outwitted.
My name is Bruce Wayne and you're calling my residence.
- Now will you please--? -Of course, you're Bruce Wayne.
You're also Batman.
And Tut's gonna tell it to the whole world at a press conference tomorrow.
Aren't you, sweetheart? Yes, indeed, my little delta lotus.
Batman will make you look like a fool.
He and I have met, but that's the extent of our relationship.
Balderdash, say I.
Stuff and nonsense and phooey.
The only way you'll convince me that Batman and Bruce Wayne are not the same person is let me see them both simultaneously.
Or both at the same time, whichever comes first.
NARRATOR".
In the Batcave the Caped Crusaders discover the cause of their dire dilemma.
What happened? Ah-ha.
I'm afraid we've been bugged, Robin.
Of course, he's probably the best-known Egyptologist in his field.
Unfortunately he was hit by a-- accuse.
Poor deluded man.
Ladies and gentlemen of Gotham City I put it to you that Bruce Wayne millionaire playboy and man-about-town is none other than the one the only the original Batman.
I sincerely appreciate the compliment, King Tut.
I'm not so sure whether Batman would.
Why don't you tell him? He's just outside.
It'd be quite a joke on me, Charlie, if Batman really were Bruce Wayne.
Perhaps if I move closer -the question might be more easily resolved.
-it's a trick.
It's a trick.
As you can see, we don't look a bit alike, do we, Batman? Not a bit, Mr.
Wayne.
Not a bit.
He's not-- He's-- He's fake.
Fake.
Tut, why don't you forego this foolishness and submit yourself for observation? Once rehabilitated, I'm sure you will become a valuable member of the community.
He's Batman, all right.
Who else in this present-day dynasty could be that square? Goodbye, everybody.
Robin and I must pursue our relentless war against evil.
- Goodbye, Batman.
-Anyhow, you have to admit it, Charlie the chance of Bruce Wayne being Batman was a very long shot.
I can't think of two more obviously opposite people.
Agh.
It is written: "He who knows he has lost has had it.
" Goodbye, Mr.
Wayne.
- Goodbye, Tut.
-Yes.
Thank you, folks.
That masked moralist thinks he has me, does he? He'll soon learn he can't escape the wrath of the sun king.
We now swing into phase two of our operation.
- Which is? -Purloining the priceless collection of Egyptian scrolls nestled in the Gotham City Library.
- Ha-ha-ha! -Scrolls? I thought it was something good, like crocodile skins or jeweled scorpions.
Button your lip, my little desert partridge.
I said they were priceless, didn't I? For hidden somewhere within them is the secret of the whereabouts of a statue hidden since the age of lmhotep.
So, what's with the statue? The great golden statue of the god Osorkon.
Whoever possesses it, my Aswân damsel, possesses the universe.
That's a lot of land.
Mama told me to pick a nice Egyptian girl.
Hmph.
Wow, you came down that pole like a pro, Alfred.
I bet you always wanted to do that.
Indeed I have, Master Robin, but once is enough.
Next time I'll use the elevator and leave the Batpoles to you.
Any problem with the ersatz Batman, Robin? - Holy Gemini, it worked great.
-it's the same principle as a dummy, Alfred.
I used my pocket Bat-synchronizer to operate the lips, throw in a bit of ventriloquism.
No one was the wiser.
Batmobile drove itself after being programmed to stop at red lights and intersections.
Was that ever a weird experience.
Alfred, would you put my twin brother in the Bat-Dummy closet please? Very good sir.
- Yes, commissioner? -King Tut has predicted another crime.
- The charlatan.
-He insists all available police surround Gotham City Penitentiary as a massive escape is in the offing.
Certain forces will attempt to spring Penguin, Riddler, Egghead, and the Siren.
Get your men out there.
We can't afford to take chances.
But that means the remainder of Gotham City is wide-open for evildoers.
Robin and I will protect the balance of the populace.
Eight million people? - Trust me.
-Of course, Batman.
Get all your men up to Gotham City Penitentiary at once.
Shouldn't we leave a skeleton force, commissioner? Batman suggested it.
Charlie, did you hear what King Tut said? Well, it was something very interesting.
If the quote he quoted is the quote I think he quoted I may just have figured out Tut's entire plot.
It was a mistake only an Egyptian bibliophile would have noticed.
Lucky I'm an Egyptian bibliophile.
NARRATOR".
Luckily for us, she's an Egyptian bibliophile.
And even luckier, she's Batgirl the supremely feminine scourge of all that is criminal.
Did you believe that prediction? Say it isn't so.
I take whatever Tut says with a ton of salt, Robin.
But there was something he said which may be a key to his ultimate caper.
He said it to Bruce Wayne.
It had something to do with a quote of some sort.
- I was in the Batmobile at that time.
-Oh, yes, I remember, sir.
What's it all about, Alfred? It was to the effect that a man who knows when he has lost has had it.
"Had it.
" Of course, it's staring us right in our masks, Robin.
That quote is on line 769 of chapter 14, scroll 32 of the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bold.
One of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City Library.
How could I have missed that one? And with Gotham City's police out of the way, he thought he'd have clear sailing.
Let's go, Robin, and let's hope we're not too late.
The Gotham City Library closed five minutes ago.
We can still catch them.
Robin, look out.
This librarian has been bound in the ancient thuggee tradition.
She won't live a minute longer in that position, Robin.
And when faced with the prospect of choosing between the apprehension of a criminal and the saving of a human life, one must always save the life.
Gosh, Batman, you're right again.
- What happened? -That big hulking brute raced in here and stole our most expensive scrolls.
All the police that usually guard the library were ordered out on another job.
They said you'd protect us, Batman.
Don't worry.
We'll get those scrolls back.
- Doesn't Barbara Gordon work in this library? -Today is her first day off in a month.
Batman, you've just got to get those scrolls back.
They are ancient and irreplaceable.
Yes, I know, my dear.
Let's go, Robin.
Frankly, Batman, I'm stumped.
Perhaps a clue will turn up.
Ooh, Tutlings, we have performed the most marvelous theft.
The golden statue of Osorkon is almost within our grasp.
Osiris, Nubis, gather up these scrolls and let's make tracks.
The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary.
- Batgirl.
-In the flesh.
You know, it's against my principles to beat up on ladies but in your case, I'll make an exception.
Get her.
Agh.
How did you figure out my plan? Simple.
I recognized a quote from the works of Ramses the Bold and realized then it was the scrolls you were after.
I got to the library as you escaped and followed you here.
You know, I can always use a smart girl in my line of work.
The ones I've had lately are rather inferior.
Would you, uh? I'm afraid not.
Batman and Robin will be here momentarily.
I blazed a trail for them.
Consider your criminal career kaput.
Well, heh.
Goodbye, Batgirl.
You're not going anywhere.
No, but you are.
To dreamland.
Defeated by a mere wisp of a girl.
Now, for the second time, let's make tracks.
The only tracks you'll make are to the penitentiary.
There's some sort of delayed echo in here.
As a duly deputized officer of the law, it's my duty to advise you of your rights.
You'll have to catch me first.
Get him, get him, get him.
- So it was you who blazed the trail.
-I was just doing my duty as a citizen.
I like that kind of talk.
Perhaps we could get together some evening and discuss crime-fighting techniques.
No one knows where you live.
Yes, that does constitute somewhat of a problem.
Look out.
Here they come again.
Batgirl never stays around long enough for us to thank her.
She's probably very modest.
I wonder who she really is.
I wonder who he really is.
I'm afraid it will be a long siege of analysis before you realize who you actually are.
I've lived a thousand years, so I'll live another thousand.
- Hi, Daddy.
Hello, Bruce.
-Hi.
Good to see you again, Barbara.
I wonder if we could, um, continue that date we interrupted this weekend.
Hey, you mean you actually had a date with this socialite lump? Yes.
Why? Because he's so deadly dull.
Deadly dull, that's what it is.
Just deadly dull in Gotham City.
What did I say? Deadly dull? Yes.
What? You don't say.
You don't say.
You don't say.
- Who was it? -Who was it? He didn't say.
What his name was, that is.
But it was the patrolman at the corner of Plat and Green Street.
And he just saw that notorious gangster Louie the Lilac drive by in his Flowermobile.
Well, that's my cue to leave.
Yeah! Ha-ha-ha! That's what I said! He's gonna go straight to the Batcave and put on that corny blue outfit.
Actually, I had something more mundane in mind, King Tut.
I've had so much crime in the last two days, I don't care if I ever see it again.
- Goodbye, Barbara.
-Bye.
Commissioner Gordon.
Bye, Bruce.
Nice young man, isn't he? I think I'm gonna be sick.
Bruce Wayne's nice enough, Daddy.
But he's certainly no Batman.
You wanna wager a sphinx or two? Commissioner, weren't you gonna call somebody? Was I? Ah, uh, Batman.