Bewitched (1964) s03e06 Episode Script

A teddy bear.
Oh, really, Tabatha.
Mustn't twitch.
You know, lately you've been positively Mother? Mother, have you been encouraging her again? I have told you that I will not stand for any witchcraft in this house.
Especially where Tabatha's concerned.
Now, that's final.
Oh, dear.
I'm going to have to have a very serious talk with your grandmother.
Oh, come now, Samantha.
One more word about that dreadful lady, and I'll have to go.
Uncle Arthur.
- What are you doing in there? - I've been framed.
Oh, Uncle Arthur, it's so good to see you.
Sammy, dear, you just keep getting prettier and prettier.
Where have you been? It's been much too long.
It certainly has if you've started making speeches to yourself.
Who do we have to thank for that? The Wicked Witch of the West? Now, Uncle Arthur, you stop that.
I can see you haven't changed a bit.
Neither have your jokes.
Teddy bear.
Uncle Arthur's here, sweetie.
Oh, Sammy, she's beautiful.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
But I'm awfully glad to hear you say it, or anyone else, for that matter.
There's your little bear, sweetie.
And how's my darling sister? I gather from the speech you're rehearsing she's playing the grand smother-in-law right to the hilt.
No, but she pops in an awful lot.
How do we get the old crone to pop out? Old crone, is it? I've a good mind to pop you out right into the next century.
Endora.
Speak of the devil.
You won't believe this, but we've been talking about you.
You call yourself my brother? Only when I'm forced to, Endora.
I deny it as much as possible.
- Now, Uncle Arthur, mother, please.
- Oh, it's too late.
You've seen the last of me.
I'm leaving, never to return again.
Marvellous.
See, that didn't take long.
I'm only here to help.
I haven't left yet.
Well, hurry it up, will you? We'd like to be alone.
You made her awful mad, Uncle Arthur.
No telling what she'll do.
Hi, honey.
Well, if it isn't my old yagga-zuzzie nephew-in-law.
- What's he doing here? - He just got here.
Practically.
Didn't you, Uncle Arthur? As a matter of fact, Mother was here too.
But I'm afraid they had words.
Words? There's the understatement of the century.
The truth is, Uncle Arthur sent her away.
He sent your mother away? Yes, you see Mother was so angry that she left swearing never to return again Uncle Arthur, I have never been so happy to see anybody in my life.
Uncle Arthur, old pal, old buddy.
Hiya, fella, glad to see you.
Put her there.
You know, your Uncle Ar How much longer is he going to stay here? I don't mind his walking the baby so much as what he does to entertain her.
Pushing her stroller on a red carpet in front of Gladys Kravitz yet.
Dancing on the ceiling, turning himself into a 20-foot balloon.
You have every right to complain I'm not complaining, I'm not Yes, I am.
He's been here, what, three days? Talk about influencing the baby.
And what he does to me.
That I'm not too crazy about either.
Complain, darling.
Don't rave.
I don't happen to think that a hotfoot made with real lightning is funny.
I don't know why.
Maybe I'm sick.
I am sick, sick of him.
The more I see of Uncle Arthur, the lovelier your mother becomes.
If I had to choose between the two, I'd take Endora any day.
The man has come to his senses at last.
He finally appreciates the real me.
- Mother, you're back.
- Naturally.
You didn't think I'd stay away and let that ridiculous excuse for a warlock exert his outrageous influence on my grandchild, did you? And I want to thank you for your compliment, Darwin.
- Darrin.
- That's right Darwin.
Look at him.
He's practically cakewalking down the street.
Oh, he's such an exhibitionist.
Mother, what am I going to do? I don't wanna hurt his feelings.
I love him, but I can't let him take over Tabatha.
The chances of that happening have been eliminated.
- They have? - How? Your mother is here.
Need I say more? Yeah, yeah, much more.
What does that mean? It means, from this moment on, I'm going to watch over Tabatha and protect her from that over-animated orang-utan.
- What? - I've decided to move in on the corner.
- What corner? - That one.
The house on the corner across the street.
There's no house.
It's a vacant lot.
It was a vacant lot.
Look again.
Endora.
It has to be Endora.
Who else? The Madame Lafarge of all time.
I'll fix her wagon.
You just can't zap up a house on a vacant lot.
That lot belongs to somebody.
Somebody owns it.
You can't build on it without a permit.
Haven't you ever heard of a permit? Never.
Well, you have heard of City Hall, county assessors, the Tax Department.
Oh, Samantha, he does get so tiresome.
Well, so do you when you won't listen to reason.
Don't you have any idea the trouble that can cause? Endora.
Well, we certainly have missed you.
Long time, no see.
And we thought you said you were leaving for good.
Any resemblance between George Washington and myself is purely coincidental.
Rumour hath it you put that house on the corner.
I put my house on the corner.
Mother intends to live there.
- Over his dead body.
- Wait a minute.
Stop helping me.
You're not going to zap yourself a roost around here as long as I can help it.
That house goes.
Arthur, don't annoy me.
- I have spoken.
That house stays.
- Now, Mother.
Uncle Arthur, please.
You cannot put that house back there.
What would the neighbours think? I don't care what the neighbours think.
Don't worry, Sammy, I won't let her be a nuisance to you and Tabatha.
Anything Mother Hubbard can zap, I can zap better.
Oh, Mother, please.
Now, wait a minute.
I can handle this.
Mother knows best.
So, Little Boy Blue if it's hostilities you want, it's hostilities you'll get.
All right, Abner, now tell me I'm crazy.
Now tell me I'm making things up.
There is a full-grown house that grew up out of nowhere.
See for yourself.
Gladys, how can I see for myself? I'm in the doctor's office.
I got news for you, you're checking the wrong person.
Gladys? Gladys? Gladys? Take a couple of aspirins and lie down.
I'll be right home.
Which will give you a fair idea of the kind of a nut I am.
Abner, don't you dare hang up on me.
Ever again.
I've heard all I care to hear.
- You're gonna hear a lot more, dimples.
- Dimples? Tabatha is trying to take a nap, or doesn't anybody care? I care.
And as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more to be said.
- Are you all right, sweetheart? - Oh, sure.
Other men have trouble with the finance company, the Tax Department.
But not me.
I got it soft.
So resign yourself, Charley Charming I have moved into the neighbourhood.
Resign yourself, Sally Sunshine you have just moved out.
Okay, who's fooling around? I call it fooling around when a house is there one minute and gone the next when it never should have been there in the first place.
Are you sure you're the police? I was right up until you called, lady.
Okay, okay.
I'll send somebody right over.
Okay, sergeant, we go to that address and we investigate a missing house.
A missing house? - That's what I thought you said he said.
- I never argue.
It's back.
The house is back.
Is it back? Of course it's back.
Do you think you're playing with children? I sort of hate to do it, but I guess I'll have to paste her.
- Oh, Uncle Arthur, you wouldn't.
- Sam, leave him alone.
I mean, stay out of it, dear.
That's an excellent suggestion.
Don't you and Darwin have something to do somewhere else in the house? Well, Darrin, how about some tea? I'll heat the hot water.
Great idea.
Just what we need.
More hot water.
- Thank goodness you've come.
- Are you Mrs.
Kravitz? That's right.
I'm the one who called.
- This it? - That's it.
That's the missing house.
Only it came back.
- You noticed? - I noticed.
- Listen, Noel - Don't argue.
The thing is, the house doesn't belong here in the first place.
That's a vacant lot.
Oh, come on.
It sure is, lady.
I'll check inside with the lady.
You call in and check out the address.
- Okay, lady? - Oh, yes.
Actually, this is a very strange neighbourhood.
But I can't get anybody to believe it, not even my husband.
Don't tempt me, little man, or I'll evaporate you.
How would you like to be turned into a half pint of sour cream? I smell sulphur.
Probably something Mother said.
She can be very acid.
She can be a hurricane, an eight-day flood.
Name your disaster, that's Endora.
As for Uncle Arthur Darling, I know it's difficult.
But in their own way, they're trying to help.
Help? Is this what you call help? Sam, we agreed.
Normal.
Remember normal? When we first married, we made a deal to have a normal married life.
Didn't you mean it? I meant it.
That's all I wanted.
It's all I want now.
Well, that's all I want.
Problem is they both have equal power.
This could go on and on.
Enough is enough.
Mother? Uncle Arthur? Now listen to me, both of you.
I have had it.
I beg your pardon? I love you, Mother, but Hear that? "But.
" I don't need any editorial comments from you, Uncle Arthur.
Anyway, you're next.
Now, Mother, listen to me.
I will not have my home turned into a re-enactment of the Civil War.
Did I make that plain? I didn't say, "I wish you wouldn't," or "I don't want.
" I said, "I will not.
" If you expect me to apologize for something your Uncle Arthur I am not asking for an apology.
I am demanding privacy.
I'll admit I'm torn when we get into these witches' world versus mortal-world battles.
I see both sides, and I try to take both sides.
I try very hard to be fair.
But sometimes you can try so hard to be fair, you end up being nothing.
- As far as I'm concerned - Well, in my opinion From now on, I am taking sides.
I am showing favouritism, plenty of it.
All of it in Darrin and Tabatha's direction, right where it belongs.
She's got spunk all right, Endora.
Yes, of course.
She gets it from me.
I don't care where I get it.
The point is, if you're going to fight, you'll have to fight someplace else.
That or stop fighting completely.
Really, Samantha.
Just like that? Yes.
Just like that.
Now, both of you, kiss and make up.
Go on, kiss her.
Things aren't that desperate.
Well, I'm afraid they are.
Now I am going to tell Darrin that peace reigns supreme one way or the other.
And when I come back here, I want evidence of it.
What did you say? What happened? What have you been doing? Bluffing.
Oh, no, no, no.
I meant what I said, all right.
The problem is, if they don't buy it, I don't know how I'm gonna enforce it.
Frankly, I forget who started it.
I remember.
You did.
No, if memory serves me correctly, it began Oh, Arthur, forget it.
It began the day you were born.
Up until then, I was an only child.
Endora, if it's any comfort to you I've always thought of you as one.
Not only an only child, an only everything.
Why, Arthur.
- You like that? - Why, yes, I do.
An only everything.
Which is probably why I tease you so unmercifully.
Out of sheer jealousy.
- That's probably it.
- And for kicks.
No question about that.
What you're leading up to, in your usual inadequate way is to do what Samantha asked, try to get along.
I know the thought is revolting, but Well, we could try, I suppose.
We could start by only seeing each other when we are invisible.
Yes, that's a good idea.
She's right, you know.
We have been turning her home into a civil war.
Remember the Civil War? I was with General Lee.
I was with General Grant.
He had more booze.
- Invisible? - Invisible.
And our separate ways? - You go yours, I'll go mine.
- Fine.
First, we'll have to divvy up.
Which half of the world do you want? Oh, that's very generous of you.
I'll take the top.
Noel? Hey, Noel.
What is it, Floyd? Come on in.
I'd just as soon you came outside and all, if it's all the same to you.
Well, for what it's worth, it looks like they're gone.
More important, it feels like they're gone.
My bluff must have worked.
How about that? You know, sometimes I even surprise myself.
- Any idea where they've gone? - No.
I'm sure that wherever they did go, they didn't go together.
They couldn't go away far enough or stay away long enough to suit me.
As a matter of fact I could do without a visit from any of your relatives for say, another two or three thousand years.
You know Get them back.
Get them back.
- Who? - Your mother, Uncle Arthur, anybody.
It's still there.
The house is still there.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
And look who's in front of it.
The police.
Well, some more of Gladys Kravitz's handiwork, no doubt.
I'm telling you, Noel, I checked with City Hall.
There isn't any house here.
- Did you tell them there was? - Yes.
- What did they say? - They like to argue.
They say there's no permit, no registration, no nothing.
And they say if anybody did build a house here there's gonna be some trouble.
- Come on, let's go inside.
- Inside? - Why? - So you can see what I saw.
For a house that ain't here, it's got a lot of things going for it.
Hot and cold running water, electricity, inside plumbing.
Come on.
Are you sure you can make the house disappear? Certainly, as long as Mother and Uncle Arthur are out of the way.
Wait a minute.
What happens if you make the house disappear while the police and Mrs.
Kravitz are inside? Oh, well, they will too.
- They will too what? - Disappear.
Disappear where? Don't answer that, okay? As soon as they come out You know something? I just figured it out.
I'm glad this house showed up out of nowhere.
If it hadn't, I wouldn't have reported it you wouldn't have come and seen it, and nobody would have believed it.
- I've got a flash for you.
- What? - I still don't believe it.
- Don't argue.
Oh, poor old Mrs.
Kravitz.
You know, sometimes my heart just goes right out to her.
I won't say anything if you won't say anything.
About what? Twenty-nine, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34 Honey, you or your mother ever keep a family album? No, why? Just wondering.
Someday Tabatha is going to grow old and she might wanna tell her great-grandchildren about her Uncle Arthur her Aunt Clara, Endora, Maurice.
How is she ever going to get them to believe her? Simple.
She'll just introduce them.
I had to ask.
If you don't ask, you'll never learn.
Wonderful.
Alone at last.
Alone.
I knew it, I knew it.
I knew when you said, "You go your way and I'll go mine," I knew you'd come sneaking back here.
Isn't that exactly what you had in mind? Well, if you think I'm going to let you stay around here and have free reign particularly with Halloween coming up Especially with Halloween coming up.
You're out of your ever-loving, nefarious mind.
You don't trust me? I don't trust you.
Okay.
I got the picture.