Big Mouth (2017) s03e06 Episode Script
How to Have an Orgasm
1 [KNIFE SLASHES.]
[GASPING.]
What what is this place? Oh, squeezy vines.
[HISSING.]
I've been sssslithering around in tight jeansss all day.
- You have? - And now I'm hungry.
- For me? - No.
Nachossss.
- [YELLS.]
I'm not Nachos.
- [VAGINA.]
Whoa.
- Hi, hello.
- Oh, hi.
- What were you dreaming about? - Oh There was this snake in jeans, and he kinda had a good body.
Ooh! Are you awake and ready to play-ay-ay-ay? Play? Play what? Jessi Glaser, come on down! - [APPLAUSE.]
- What the You're the next contestant on Do the Thing, everyone's favorite game show where you rub me until something awesome happens.
Ooh! You playin' Do the Thing! Go, Jessi! That's my baby.
Um okay.
[CONNIE.]
The Yodeler? I love this one.
Wait, how do I even play this? Well, the better you make me feel, the quicker Heidi climbs the Alps, so [ALL.]
Let's touch our genitals! - Yeah! - Okay.
Okay.
So All right, well, - what if I start like this, maybe, or - Oh, okay.
That's a little pokey.
Not trying to squish a bug.
- Sorry.
- Maybe try, uh, like, a little circle.
Okay, um, so, like like [CONNIE.]
Oh, she's climbin'! Rub faster.
Nope, nope.
Too many fingers.
Okay, okay! Should I do, like, a flat, open palm or - Yeah, no, it's not a steering wheel.
- I'm sorry.
You're not a cool mom trying to get out of a parking spot.
- Hey! - [WOMAN.]
Oh, no, she didn't! - Okay, okay.
How about like this? - Oh.
Oh, that's not bad.
Yodel-ey-ee-ooh Is it gonna yodel the whole time? Don't give up, baby, you gotta get that singin' vagina out of Nazi territory.
That's too much pressure.
You know what, ugh, let's not do this.
- Aw! - [AUDIENCE GROANING.]
Oh, Jessi, you were doing it for a second.
I mean, not well, but Okay, I'm sorry, but it just feels like nothing is good enough for you.
Ladies, we are getting off track here.
Yeah, but she's so sensitive.
- Would you prefer a numb vagina? - No! - I can make that happen.
- Just forget it, I have to pee.
Fine.
Can you please remember to wipe front to back this time? - Oh, my God.
I know how to wipe! Bye.
- I don't think you do.
[SHANNON.]
Oh! Oh, God, Dina! [SCREAMING.]
Jesus! Is that what's supposed to happen? Yeah.
Sounds like your momma just won an orgasm.
- Ugh.
- And a brand-new Jet Ski! It's like a motorcycle for the water, baby.
I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [BUZZING.]
Oh, what's this? Oh, God, Maury.
- Maury! - Uh, wh what is it? I'm awake.
- Well, Cherry - Your cousin.
Ah, who I choose to see as a vivacious young woman - and not a blood relative.
- Fair enough.
She's done me the great honor of texting me this.
Hachi-machi.
Looks like two marshmallows trying to squeeze their way through a graham-ed cracker.
Yeah, those marshmallows are impatient, yet delicious.
How do we respond? Andrew, you know how I always pitch sending a dick pic? Even to that email from Planned Parenthood.
- Come on, you know they party.
- Maury Well, this time it's actually appropriate.
- No, still not.
- [SIGHS.]
Shall we consult the manual? - Let's see, Foreskin Dos and Don'ts - I'm cut.
What to Say to a Grieving Penis I'm gonna lick my finger now to turn the page.
Here we go, cleavage pic gets a dick pic in return.
Ugh, I just can't see myself taking a picture of my member.
Well, it does say, if there's no nip, an abs pic will suffice.
Ah! I mean, if that's what the lady wants, - then abs-solutely.
- Uh-huh.
I'll just crop out the abs-cess under my left breast.
- You really need to get that checked out.
- I know.
Come on, Jay, we're late.
Bye, Duke.
Thanks for letting me saw you in half, bro.
No problem, but don't forget to put me back together when you come home.
I miss my wisp - Oh, shit, let me get in on that.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, well, when you're done hugging a ghost and his ass, I'll be in the car.
[SOBBING.]
Mom, what's wrong? Dina broke up with me.
Really? You sounded pretty, um together this morning? Eatin' on each other's pussy and whatnot.
She said she wanted to be single for her Ani DiFranco river cruise.
Yuck.
Okay, you know what, Mom? Dina sucks, and you're - you're good.
- Really? Just me.
Forgot my drinking pouch of kombucha.
- Jessi - Hi.
It's been an honor.
[SIGHS.]
Ah, closure.
And the dance continues, does it not? See, she sucks.
[SOBBING.]
[JAY.]
Nick, thanks for letting me borrow clothes.
It's so nice to wear somethin' that doesn't smell like my brother's nuts.
I didn't let you borrow them, my mom gave them to you.
- Since I'm not wearing underwear - Ugh.
your zipper is basically tattooing my sack.
- [NICK.]
Ew.
- [DIANE.]
Boys.
- Don't forget your lunches.
- Well, this is funny, Mama D.
- Don't call her Mama D.
- I actually made you a lunch as well.
- Ta-da! - Oh, how thoughtful.
- "Oh, how thoughtful.
" - Nick, can I talk to you for a second? I don't know, can you? [SIGHS.]
I know it's difficult having Jay around all the time Oh, do you, Mom? Last night he asked to borrow one of my hats 'cause he had to go number four.
- Yes, I am taking him to the doctor.
- What is number four, Mom? It's a little bit of a barf combo, with a shart - Oh, Jesus.
- Mixed with a little pee-pee.
- And he showed it to you? - I'm a mother.
I can handle it.
And now he's making you lunches? This lunch is loose cornflakes, half a dill pickle, and a scrap of paper that says "hamburger" on it.
- You're welcome to it.
- I don't want the hamburger paper, I'm just saying that this whole thing blows.
I'll take the pickle.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
What is the point of research papers? Every-thing's on Wikipedia, and it's all completely accurate.
Well, I'm doing Joan of Arc.
She was brilliant, so naturally, everyone called her crazy.
Well, I'm gonna do Charles Darwin.
Ah! Charles Darwin.
Survival of the fittest, evolution, the Galapagos Married his cousin, yeah, it's all there, - and it's all equally important.
- Andrew, hush.
- They bred and there were - Andrew - minimal problems with the children.
- This I'm doing my report on my new best friend, Duke Ellington.
Jay, what the fuck are you talking about? Duke's mine.
- Whoa, are you saying you own him? - What? - That is super hashtag problematic.
- Jay John Oliver is gonna fucking torch you, bro.
Fine.
You know what, everybody? I'm gonna do my report on Harry Houdini.
What? No! You can't even begin to understand the father of modern magic.
Oh, is that who he was? I thought he was, like, a ballerina who cried a lot and had a huge, weird butt.
That What? No, you can't What? No! - Too late, Jay.
- His butt was perfect.
I'm doing Harry Houdini, the emotionally fragile - [SCREAMS.]
- and famously thicc male ballerina.
- [ROARS.]
- [RUMBLING.]
It is nothing for me to gain mass.
[CICADAS CHIRPING.]
- Psst, Jessi.
- What? - Let's play Do the Thing again.
- Ugh, I don't know if I wanna play.
I'm not great at that game.
- Aw.
- I don't even know how to win.
Win? You mean have an orgasm? - Ugh, don't say that word.
- Would you rather I said climax? - No.
- Full release? - No thanks.
- Pussy scream? Nope! Okay, let's stick with orgasm.
And while we're speaking plainly, - so when I put my hand to my vagina - Mm-hm Right it feels medical.
Well, jeez Louise, when you talk about it like that, - takes all the bubbles out my soda pop.
- Sorry.
Besides, there's more than one way to do it.
- Oh.
All right.
- Joojle it.
- I think it's Google.
Here we go, okay.
- It's Joojle.
"How to have an orgasm.
" All right, well, here's an article in Good Housekeeping.
Ew, that sounds like work.
[GASPS.]
Look over there, Bethany's First Orgasm.
Right, but that looks porn-y.
- And that's why we are interested? - I guess we are, huh.
All right.
- [MOANING.]
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God This is my first orgasm! It's nice that they got her balloons.
Why don't you put down that vibrator? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah.
- Oh! This is my first orgasm again! [SQUEALS.]
Okay, okay.
Um, I know we're supposed to believe women, but if I'm being honest, I don't think that was Bethany's first orgasm.
- And it seemed fake, right? - Yeah.
But you know what didn't seem fake? That big ol' dick.
Is that thing supposed to go inside you? Listen, I do not know.
To me, it looked like an anaconda that ate a calzone, and inside the calzone was a huge fuckin' dick.
[BUZZING.]
[GASPS.]
She wrote back to my hot abs pic.
- Hooray! - "That's it, question mark"? - Hmmmm - What does that mean? I think it means she wants a picture of your dick-ture.
A snapshot of your fat cock.
A portrait mode of your rockin' chode.
- Well, I wouldn't say I have a chode.
- Whatever.
Just do it.
- But it could go so badly.
- Come on.
I mean, what if she sees it and she she hates it? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! Andrew Glouberman has the worst dick in the world.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
Y'all wanna put this chode on the worldwide? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
People send dick pics all the time.
I just received one from Olympian Shaun White.
What if I just sent her a picture of Shaun White's dick? What, are you crazy? His dick's too freckly, the pubes are bright red, and he hung one of his medals on it.
Oh, my God, what is wrong with him? - It's all ego with that guy.
- Huh.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
I'll do it.
But only because I want to arouse my cousin.
Ugh, I just got the chills.
You know how hard it is to gross out a hormone monster? So, if you ask me, Harry Houdini was Harry Houdi-neat.
Okay, nailed the last line, now I just gotta work my way backwards.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Classic Duke.
- Ya-da-da.
Oh, my God, I'm having so much fun.
Uh What's, uh What's so funny up here? I'm just workin' on my report.
Did you know that Duke was a prankster? I once took a very important screw out of Buddy Holly's plane.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Up top.
Duke, why didn't you ever tell me that story? You never asked.
You only ever wanna talk about yourself.
Typical Nick.
He's a selfish little prick and his name is Nick And he's got a sweet pair of dick-suckin' lips [BOTH LAUGH.]
He really does.
Hey, guys, nobody likes to be objectified.
- Do better.
- What? You can't compliment a child on his dick-suckin' lips anymore? All right, how do I get my dick, my face, and the newspaper in one shot? And why is the newspaper important? It looks like you're holding your dick hostage.
I want her to know that I took it today, idiot.
Just take the pic, you can't go wrong.
- So this one went wrong.
- I look ridiculous.
Forget it.
I'm just gonna send her a nice thank-you note.
Andrew, wait.
You may have bad skin bad hair, bad arms, terrible legs, a weird, lumbering gait - Okay - But you, you, Andrew Glouberman, have a good dick, goddamn it.
I just wish you could see your dick the way I do.
Then show me, Maury.
Show me my dick through your eyes.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
All right, I want you to imagine your dick has a secret.
Okay.
Like You like that? What does he know, Andrew? He'll never tell! - What do I do with my hands? - Hold it.
Hold your penis.
- And my other hand? - Keep it in there for scale.
Okay, now shake your dick.
Loosely.
Loosely.
Now shake it fast - Okay.
- Get that dick off you, it's poison.
Do I shake my butt with my dick? I don't - Okay.
- Your dick is poison.
Who the fuck am I? Who am I? I'm Andrew Glouberman's dick.
Uh.
How about some funny glasses on it? I don't do that kind of thing.
Yeah, it's stupid, I didn't want it, the agency wanted it I know my dick's funny, so I don't like to take Right, but we thought it'd be funnier.
But, no, I get it, I agree.
Oh, I'll have a third champagne if it I dunno, okay.
Smile, but with your penis.
- [GRUNTING.]
- Hold it, hold it.
Yeah, baby.
- Oh, that was perfect.
- That was good? You're honestly a natural.
Have you done this before? - No, people say it's illegal.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe I'm just gonna be one of those women who can't have orgasms.
It's more common than you think.
Come on, you've only tried one method.
Remember that porno girl with the dope-ass vibrator? That part was compelling.
You know, vibrators been helpin' women for over one hundred years.
- Really? - Joojle it! Okay! "Some scholars trace the invention of the vibrator to 19th-century doctor Joseph Granville.
" Ooh, I was hoping we'd do this.
Mrs.
Thompson here suffers from female hysteria.
- What is this? - Lately, she has become willful and disobedient.
She keeps saying, "Oh, I want the right to vote, I want to work outside the home!" [CHUCKLES.]
- She's very ill.
- How is this related to vibrators? Sh, wait for it.
It's comin'.
Now, in order to cure her, we must induce hysterical paroxysm - using this incredible new device.
- [ENGINE CHUGGING.]
- [MOANING.]
- What the So, hysterical paroxysm is [MRS.
THOMPSON.]
This is my first orgasm! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, now, her I believe.
Behold, vibration for women's health.
I want to be healthy.
I am a lover of health and of healthy things too.
Well, from a sociological perspective, this is fucked up.
- But she seems happy, I guess? - Yeah.
And now they make vibrators that are waterproof.
You can bring it to your public pool.
Mm nah.
And now, if you'll all look underneath your plates, you will find dessert is served.
Ooh, exactly what I wanted, rosemary sorbet.
I got another hamburger.
Well, I saw how much you enjoyed the first one.
Monkey brains? Nice.
Aww, I don't wanna say what mine is.
- Leah - All right, fine.
I got "good booby cake"? It's prepared in one of your bras.
Ooh, sounds delicious.
Do you wanna trade for rosemary sorbet? Why are you humoring this psychopath? It's just pieces of paper.
And you guys are all playing along because he's so pathetic.
Nicholas Arsenio Birch.
Jay is just trying to do something nice for our family.
My family.
Not his.
I don't want him here.
He's barely house-broken.
He's an animal.
Wow, Nick, that really hurts.
You haven't even looked at your dessert.
Fine.
It says, "Even though you just called me an animal, you still get chocolate cake cause you're my brother, best friend"? Ta-da - [ALL.]
Aww.
- Magic! - How did he do that? - Oh, fuck you, Jay.
- Mm? - [DIANE.]
Aww! Brilliant.
Wow.
Wow, they're all they're all great.
Everyone at the agency's very happy.
- Oh, what about this one? - Sure.
- Want me to do a little Photoshop? - Oh.
Maybe add some veins, make it a little longer and thinner? - Oh, why? Do you think it looks - Chode-ish? No, not at all.
No, yeah, I think we just use it as is.
The natural look.
I love it! Who cares if it's oddly short and wide? I guess all that's left to do now is, uh send a picture of my dick to my father's brother's daughter.
Indeed.
Shall we? - [CHANTING.]
- [BOTH SIGH.]
- Lamb of God, Adonai - Huh? - and Allah - Mm.
please bless Sweet Andy's dick on its journey.
Amen.
Now we select, and we send.
Godspeed.
Hey, man, I didn't know you were, uh, religious? Well, I'm more spiritual.
I'm open to talking about it, if Oh, I really don't want to.
[KNOCKING.]
- [CREAKS.]
- Hello? Bilzerians? Anyone home? Look, I I I need you guys to take Jay back.
He's kinda [SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God, help! Help! Oh, shit, what's going on? [BARKING.]
Ruff.
Rumming.
Coming.
They're coming.
- Oh, no.
- [CACKLING.]
Huh, Spencer's Gifts really does have everything.
Look, it's a Fast and the Furious tea kettle.
[KETTLE.]
Hey, I'm Vin Tea-sel.
And it's all about family.
Yeah, that's a really cool tea kettle.
Oh, but hey, what's this over here? Adult toys? Watch out.
Have you ever, uh indulged? [CHUCKLES.]
Smooth transition.
Uh, no.
I mostly use my imagination.
And I have a Glo Worm and a bath faucet that really gets the job done.
Oh, of course, yeah.
But, like how do you know when the job is done? Well sometimes, um, when I'm, um, pleasuring myself, it starts to build, and then the coordinates all line up just right, and then boom, I'm in hyper speed.
And I'm just floating around in weightless bliss, kind of.
You know what I mean? - Uh - You don't know.
That's why you gotta buy - A Harry Potter vibrator? - Ooh, it's got a phoenix-feather core.
- That sounds promising.
- Nope.
Not walkin' up to the counter and purchasing a huge vibrator - from a dude with ear gauges.
- [BUZZING.]
- Oh, shit.
- [MALE VOICE.]
Accio Clitoris.
- Wingardium Labiosa.
- Who on earth would want this thing? And I guess it's me.
I'm puttin' it in my pocket.
Magic queer! Come out and gay! Oh.
Oh, God.
No, please don't [GABBLES.]
- What the fuck? You're not Jay.
- Oh! So you Wh You made this trap for Jay? Yeah, he's been holed up at your house, thinking he's all fancy, like Tony Hawk.
Ooh, I'm so jealous, can I visit your house? - Do you have.
like, plates or whatever? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah! Yeah, we have some plates.
Not not a ton.
A-anyway, this has been, you know, a real pleasure.
But but I think I'm just gonna head out? Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, plate boy.
We got a taser, and we need some nuts to shoot it at.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- No! [SOBBING.]
No.
- Whoa, did he just - [BARKING.]
Shut up, you stupid fucking dog.
Oh, no.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, God, you're so heavy.
Don't you dare tell Jay about that trap.
[BARKING.]
Rrovv.
Rrover.
Over.
My nightmare is over.
[CONNIE.]
It's okay, sugar.
They sell vibrators on the internet too.
[GASPS.]
Ooh, this one's two bucks, and it's called Pussy Stick.
Okay, I'm not using my mom's credit card to buy a budget dildo.
Oh.
Hey Nick's friend.
Um, yeah, hi-llo My name's actually Jessi.
I know your name, Jessi.
- Uh - Hey, girl, what's goin' on up there? That's me.
You know my name, Jessi Glaser.
Glaserdisc.
Of the East Coast Glaserdiscs, obviously.
- What? - From New York.
You know, New Yawk! - [LAUGHS.]
- Jessi, you havin' a stroke, girl? Who are you talking to? 'Cause I am schvitzing.
S I'm so sorry.
You know, I'm just headed home so good-ios.
- What are you talking about? - Adiós, I mean.
Yo hablo español.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Sorry, sorry - Uh I'm trying to get out of my way.
- Move.
- Ohhh, he's moving you.
- Thank you.
- Sniff the boy musk! - Huff it now! - Later.
Um, hello, down here, behind your zipper.
Someone tell me what's going on! Bye, chill out, see you later.
Oh.
Jessie Glaserdisc.
I will not be ignored.
I'm just kidding.
But what is up? I can feel your heartbeat in me.
Oh, God, please shut up.
Why hasn't she texted me back? It's been minutes.
I think she saw your glorious dick, and, oh, no, she had a heart attack.
[MARTY.]
Barbara, why'd you upload all these pictures - of pink mushrooms? - What? [BARBARA.]
What are you talking about? - [MARTY.]
I'm lookin' at the computer - No! - and I'm seeing dozens of of, uh - No.
hot dog ends? Oh, dear Lord, the dick pics.
They're in the cloud.
Did you put 'em in the cloud? We're on a family plan.
[BARBARA.]
Hold on, I'm coming to look.
No, no, no! What do I do? What do I do? Marty, that's not a hot dog.
That's a short, fat you-know-what on a pair of human testicles.
- Andrew! - We leave right now, start all over.
I've got the fake passports, - Kenneth Proudfrog.
- What? You're a Native American pool table salesman.
- I can't memorize all these details.
- You pervert.
You took pictures of your thing? No.
That's not me.
Then how come your face is in this one? - Why, Andrew? - [GASPS.]
And my Newsday.
I know that wiener.
I powdered it.
- [GROANS.]
- That's it, I'm takin' these.
You used up all our data with your your thing shots.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
- What's this? - A message from Cherry? - No, uh, don't No.
[GASPS.]
You sent this filth to your cousin? No.
What did she say? Andrew, are you trying to kill me? I'm ruined.
Yeah, that's right, I'm ruined.
And I'll never know if Cherry liked my picture.
There, there, Andrew.
I'm sure she didn't.
Okay, group chat, ladies.
Jessi, who was that voice? From the moment I heard it, it was like boom, Rainforest Cafe down here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ca-caw! That was Judd.
Judd makes her horny.
Okay, okay, but he's Nick's brother and he's so weird.
Yeah, he might be weird.
But you want him to push you up against a dirty wall like a little old rag doll.
Ugh, I don't know.
When Judd's around, she turns into Sig-horny Weaver.
Hell, yeah.
She's a horn-again Christian.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Horn-again! - Even though she Jew.
Okay, I don't like this for a number of reasons.
But mainly, it's just so embarrassing.
Aw, honey, don't be embarrassed.
Everybody gets turned on.
Yeah, even those you might not expect.
- Like Dame Judi Dench.
- Oof.
I bet her undies take a sponge bath every now and again.
[CHUCKLING.]
I bet they do.
Right, like, I guess they could call her, like, Dame Judi Drench, right? - Yay! - I told you she was funny.
- Thanks.
- Now, ladies let's talk about how Judd's BO make me be like [HOWLING.]
[HOWLING ECHOES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, I went to your house.
Oh, do you wanna live there? [LAUGHS.]
Do a classic switcheroo? No, I wanna live here, and I get why you do too.
I mean I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry I've been an asshole.
Well, I guess I'm sorry I took a number five in your sock drawer.
How many numbers come out of your body? Well, Nick, the numbers top off in the thirties, but that's when the symbols start.
I also took an asterisk - in your closet.
- Okay.
Well, I rescued your dog from that hellhole.
[GASPS.]
Luda! Hey, buddy! You are gonna love it here.
[BARKS.]
Rrraaaid.
Frrraid.
Afraid.
I'm afraid that if I can't be happy here, then perhaps I'm the problem.
Well, Nick, I've got someone very special for you to meet, too.
Nicholas Birch, meet the ghost of Harry Houdini.
Ta-da! Oh, Harry Houdini.
Wow.
Neat.
Well, he's not as excited as you said he'd be.
You were right about him, Nick.
He is emotionally fragile.
Wanna punch me in the stomach and kill me again? And he's got a big weird butt, which rules.
Uh-huh.
Jay, would you like to do your paper on Harry Houdini? What? Really? Oh, wait a minute, though, what about Duke? Well, I'd actually love to do my paper on him.
If that's okay with you, Duke? Nick, I would be proud to be the subject of your C-minus paper.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Mom, are you okay? I guess.
I don't know.
I miss Dina.
Oh.
But, like why? Well, she made me feel things.
And you'd never felt things before? No, I did, but for most of my life, it was sorta like You know the lazy river at the water park? - Sure, lazy river's a delight.
- Yeah, it's okay the first hundred times, but then it gets a little predictable.
And after a while, you'd rather just stay dry and read.
Oh.
But with Dina, it was like the log flume.
You're going up, it's building, you can't wait, and then whoosh, you're screaming, you get soaked, your face is all twisted, but you just wanna get right back on that ride.
And now, I feel like I just can't go back to the lazy river, you know what I'm saying? Um, I think you're saying Dad was bad at sex? No! Well we were bad at it together.
I I guess my point is, it's a long journey, and you should try out different rides.
Okay, I I think I understand.
But don't go to the water park until you're in college.
- Okay.
- And make sure you tinkle after every ride.
Ugh, Jesus Christ, Mom, okay, enough, I get it.
You probably won't get a better piece of advice in your life.
[ANDREW.]
My dearest cousin, Father has locked me away.
I fear we must accept our fate as star-crossed lovers kept apart by state lines and, dare I say, blood lines.
I pray for the death of a family member, that we may meet again at a Glouberman funeral.
I have no camera, but here's a drawing of me with today's newspaper.
Your little pony, Andy.
- [SIGHS.]
- It's been a real pleasure - working with you.
- What are you doing? You're you're not gonna kill yourself? - What? No.
- That wasn't a suicide note? You're just gonna go on living after your parents caught you sending your cousin a dick pic? Yes, because no teenager should kill themselves.
God damn it, you are resilient.
It's unbelievable.
- But they shouldn't! - Yes! Yes, right, right, right.
Netflix legal.
No teenager should kill themselves, even though it makes for captivating programming.
[BUZZING.]
Hm.
That vibrator's got a toothbrush on it.
Really? You think I should? Hey, Vagina, you awake? Yeah, just had coffee.
What's up? Mm, girls' trip! Whoo! Here we go! - [HOWLING.]
- Girls on a trip, that's a girls' trip.
- Oh, this is cool, I like this.
- This horse is workin' for me.
- Whoo-hoo! - [KNIFE SLASHES.]
So, this is the magic cave, and it says in order to get to the treasure inside, we have to activate the jewel.
- Not sure if this is right.
- [SQUEAKING.]
- Oh, it's right, all right.
- I like the circular action.
- I thought you might.
I listen.
- [RUMBLING.]
I think we should go inside.
I I I don't think I'm supposed to be in this part.
So [PANTING.]
- Who was that? - A mystery man.
Let's get him.
Come with me, Jessi.
[GASPS.]
It's Doctor Glaserdisc to you.
- I'll call you whatever I want.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Whoo! Ooh! Whoo! Aah! Aaaah! Whoa! [SIGHS.]
Okay, oh, my God was that - Was that it? Did it happen? - That was totally something.
So fun.
You did the thing! - [VAGINA.]
Excuse me, hello.
- [TAPS ON GLASS.]
Hi, ladies.
Over here.
Is she toasting? Is that what's going on? Some of you may know me as Jessi's genitals.
Oh, gosh, I should have written something down.
I do have this little piece of paper right here.
I just wanted to say, it's an honor to be a part of you, Jessi.
- Um - And to work alongside you, Connie.
Aw.
I'm gonna fucking cry.
And I'm just so proud that we get to be on this journey together.
Now let's go wash that toothbrush.
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo! - [CONNIE LAUGHS.]
My boo ghosts, but I don't need him Five digits gonna make me Squirm and scream This is all on me All I need, my hand pressed Move to the rhythm of my slow breaths I know best, I know better Killin' this, a real go-getter So take five, slip and slide All I need to go is one hand inside Take five, slip and slide All I need to go is one hand Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm in the tub My legs up, don't give a fuck Pressin' my button I feel the floodin' Pressin' my button I feel this rubbin' Engine go, go, I'm on the floor - Fathouse.
- [LIGHT BULB BUZZING.]
[GASPING.]
What what is this place? Oh, squeezy vines.
[HISSING.]
I've been sssslithering around in tight jeansss all day.
- You have? - And now I'm hungry.
- For me? - No.
Nachossss.
- [YELLS.]
I'm not Nachos.
- [VAGINA.]
Whoa.
- Hi, hello.
- Oh, hi.
- What were you dreaming about? - Oh There was this snake in jeans, and he kinda had a good body.
Ooh! Are you awake and ready to play-ay-ay-ay? Play? Play what? Jessi Glaser, come on down! - [APPLAUSE.]
- What the You're the next contestant on Do the Thing, everyone's favorite game show where you rub me until something awesome happens.
Ooh! You playin' Do the Thing! Go, Jessi! That's my baby.
Um okay.
[CONNIE.]
The Yodeler? I love this one.
Wait, how do I even play this? Well, the better you make me feel, the quicker Heidi climbs the Alps, so [ALL.]
Let's touch our genitals! - Yeah! - Okay.
Okay.
So All right, well, - what if I start like this, maybe, or - Oh, okay.
That's a little pokey.
Not trying to squish a bug.
- Sorry.
- Maybe try, uh, like, a little circle.
Okay, um, so, like like [CONNIE.]
Oh, she's climbin'! Rub faster.
Nope, nope.
Too many fingers.
Okay, okay! Should I do, like, a flat, open palm or - Yeah, no, it's not a steering wheel.
- I'm sorry.
You're not a cool mom trying to get out of a parking spot.
- Hey! - [WOMAN.]
Oh, no, she didn't! - Okay, okay.
How about like this? - Oh.
Oh, that's not bad.
Yodel-ey-ee-ooh Is it gonna yodel the whole time? Don't give up, baby, you gotta get that singin' vagina out of Nazi territory.
That's too much pressure.
You know what, ugh, let's not do this.
- Aw! - [AUDIENCE GROANING.]
Oh, Jessi, you were doing it for a second.
I mean, not well, but Okay, I'm sorry, but it just feels like nothing is good enough for you.
Ladies, we are getting off track here.
Yeah, but she's so sensitive.
- Would you prefer a numb vagina? - No! - I can make that happen.
- Just forget it, I have to pee.
Fine.
Can you please remember to wipe front to back this time? - Oh, my God.
I know how to wipe! Bye.
- I don't think you do.
[SHANNON.]
Oh! Oh, God, Dina! [SCREAMING.]
Jesus! Is that what's supposed to happen? Yeah.
Sounds like your momma just won an orgasm.
- Ugh.
- And a brand-new Jet Ski! It's like a motorcycle for the water, baby.
I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [BUZZING.]
Oh, what's this? Oh, God, Maury.
- Maury! - Uh, wh what is it? I'm awake.
- Well, Cherry - Your cousin.
Ah, who I choose to see as a vivacious young woman - and not a blood relative.
- Fair enough.
She's done me the great honor of texting me this.
Hachi-machi.
Looks like two marshmallows trying to squeeze their way through a graham-ed cracker.
Yeah, those marshmallows are impatient, yet delicious.
How do we respond? Andrew, you know how I always pitch sending a dick pic? Even to that email from Planned Parenthood.
- Come on, you know they party.
- Maury Well, this time it's actually appropriate.
- No, still not.
- [SIGHS.]
Shall we consult the manual? - Let's see, Foreskin Dos and Don'ts - I'm cut.
What to Say to a Grieving Penis I'm gonna lick my finger now to turn the page.
Here we go, cleavage pic gets a dick pic in return.
Ugh, I just can't see myself taking a picture of my member.
Well, it does say, if there's no nip, an abs pic will suffice.
Ah! I mean, if that's what the lady wants, - then abs-solutely.
- Uh-huh.
I'll just crop out the abs-cess under my left breast.
- You really need to get that checked out.
- I know.
Come on, Jay, we're late.
Bye, Duke.
Thanks for letting me saw you in half, bro.
No problem, but don't forget to put me back together when you come home.
I miss my wisp - Oh, shit, let me get in on that.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, well, when you're done hugging a ghost and his ass, I'll be in the car.
[SOBBING.]
Mom, what's wrong? Dina broke up with me.
Really? You sounded pretty, um together this morning? Eatin' on each other's pussy and whatnot.
She said she wanted to be single for her Ani DiFranco river cruise.
Yuck.
Okay, you know what, Mom? Dina sucks, and you're - you're good.
- Really? Just me.
Forgot my drinking pouch of kombucha.
- Jessi - Hi.
It's been an honor.
[SIGHS.]
Ah, closure.
And the dance continues, does it not? See, she sucks.
[SOBBING.]
[JAY.]
Nick, thanks for letting me borrow clothes.
It's so nice to wear somethin' that doesn't smell like my brother's nuts.
I didn't let you borrow them, my mom gave them to you.
- Since I'm not wearing underwear - Ugh.
your zipper is basically tattooing my sack.
- [NICK.]
Ew.
- [DIANE.]
Boys.
- Don't forget your lunches.
- Well, this is funny, Mama D.
- Don't call her Mama D.
- I actually made you a lunch as well.
- Ta-da! - Oh, how thoughtful.
- "Oh, how thoughtful.
" - Nick, can I talk to you for a second? I don't know, can you? [SIGHS.]
I know it's difficult having Jay around all the time Oh, do you, Mom? Last night he asked to borrow one of my hats 'cause he had to go number four.
- Yes, I am taking him to the doctor.
- What is number four, Mom? It's a little bit of a barf combo, with a shart - Oh, Jesus.
- Mixed with a little pee-pee.
- And he showed it to you? - I'm a mother.
I can handle it.
And now he's making you lunches? This lunch is loose cornflakes, half a dill pickle, and a scrap of paper that says "hamburger" on it.
- You're welcome to it.
- I don't want the hamburger paper, I'm just saying that this whole thing blows.
I'll take the pickle.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
What is the point of research papers? Every-thing's on Wikipedia, and it's all completely accurate.
Well, I'm doing Joan of Arc.
She was brilliant, so naturally, everyone called her crazy.
Well, I'm gonna do Charles Darwin.
Ah! Charles Darwin.
Survival of the fittest, evolution, the Galapagos Married his cousin, yeah, it's all there, - and it's all equally important.
- Andrew, hush.
- They bred and there were - Andrew - minimal problems with the children.
- This I'm doing my report on my new best friend, Duke Ellington.
Jay, what the fuck are you talking about? Duke's mine.
- Whoa, are you saying you own him? - What? - That is super hashtag problematic.
- Jay John Oliver is gonna fucking torch you, bro.
Fine.
You know what, everybody? I'm gonna do my report on Harry Houdini.
What? No! You can't even begin to understand the father of modern magic.
Oh, is that who he was? I thought he was, like, a ballerina who cried a lot and had a huge, weird butt.
That What? No, you can't What? No! - Too late, Jay.
- His butt was perfect.
I'm doing Harry Houdini, the emotionally fragile - [SCREAMS.]
- and famously thicc male ballerina.
- [ROARS.]
- [RUMBLING.]
It is nothing for me to gain mass.
[CICADAS CHIRPING.]
- Psst, Jessi.
- What? - Let's play Do the Thing again.
- Ugh, I don't know if I wanna play.
I'm not great at that game.
- Aw.
- I don't even know how to win.
Win? You mean have an orgasm? - Ugh, don't say that word.
- Would you rather I said climax? - No.
- Full release? - No thanks.
- Pussy scream? Nope! Okay, let's stick with orgasm.
And while we're speaking plainly, - so when I put my hand to my vagina - Mm-hm Right it feels medical.
Well, jeez Louise, when you talk about it like that, - takes all the bubbles out my soda pop.
- Sorry.
Besides, there's more than one way to do it.
- Oh.
All right.
- Joojle it.
- I think it's Google.
Here we go, okay.
- It's Joojle.
"How to have an orgasm.
" All right, well, here's an article in Good Housekeeping.
Ew, that sounds like work.
[GASPS.]
Look over there, Bethany's First Orgasm.
Right, but that looks porn-y.
- And that's why we are interested? - I guess we are, huh.
All right.
- [MOANING.]
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God This is my first orgasm! It's nice that they got her balloons.
Why don't you put down that vibrator? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah.
- Oh! This is my first orgasm again! [SQUEALS.]
Okay, okay.
Um, I know we're supposed to believe women, but if I'm being honest, I don't think that was Bethany's first orgasm.
- And it seemed fake, right? - Yeah.
But you know what didn't seem fake? That big ol' dick.
Is that thing supposed to go inside you? Listen, I do not know.
To me, it looked like an anaconda that ate a calzone, and inside the calzone was a huge fuckin' dick.
[BUZZING.]
[GASPS.]
She wrote back to my hot abs pic.
- Hooray! - "That's it, question mark"? - Hmmmm - What does that mean? I think it means she wants a picture of your dick-ture.
A snapshot of your fat cock.
A portrait mode of your rockin' chode.
- Well, I wouldn't say I have a chode.
- Whatever.
Just do it.
- But it could go so badly.
- Come on.
I mean, what if she sees it and she she hates it? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! Andrew Glouberman has the worst dick in the world.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
Y'all wanna put this chode on the worldwide? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
People send dick pics all the time.
I just received one from Olympian Shaun White.
What if I just sent her a picture of Shaun White's dick? What, are you crazy? His dick's too freckly, the pubes are bright red, and he hung one of his medals on it.
Oh, my God, what is wrong with him? - It's all ego with that guy.
- Huh.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
I'll do it.
But only because I want to arouse my cousin.
Ugh, I just got the chills.
You know how hard it is to gross out a hormone monster? So, if you ask me, Harry Houdini was Harry Houdi-neat.
Okay, nailed the last line, now I just gotta work my way backwards.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Classic Duke.
- Ya-da-da.
Oh, my God, I'm having so much fun.
Uh What's, uh What's so funny up here? I'm just workin' on my report.
Did you know that Duke was a prankster? I once took a very important screw out of Buddy Holly's plane.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Up top.
Duke, why didn't you ever tell me that story? You never asked.
You only ever wanna talk about yourself.
Typical Nick.
He's a selfish little prick and his name is Nick And he's got a sweet pair of dick-suckin' lips [BOTH LAUGH.]
He really does.
Hey, guys, nobody likes to be objectified.
- Do better.
- What? You can't compliment a child on his dick-suckin' lips anymore? All right, how do I get my dick, my face, and the newspaper in one shot? And why is the newspaper important? It looks like you're holding your dick hostage.
I want her to know that I took it today, idiot.
Just take the pic, you can't go wrong.
- So this one went wrong.
- I look ridiculous.
Forget it.
I'm just gonna send her a nice thank-you note.
Andrew, wait.
You may have bad skin bad hair, bad arms, terrible legs, a weird, lumbering gait - Okay - But you, you, Andrew Glouberman, have a good dick, goddamn it.
I just wish you could see your dick the way I do.
Then show me, Maury.
Show me my dick through your eyes.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
All right, I want you to imagine your dick has a secret.
Okay.
Like You like that? What does he know, Andrew? He'll never tell! - What do I do with my hands? - Hold it.
Hold your penis.
- And my other hand? - Keep it in there for scale.
Okay, now shake your dick.
Loosely.
Loosely.
Now shake it fast - Okay.
- Get that dick off you, it's poison.
Do I shake my butt with my dick? I don't - Okay.
- Your dick is poison.
Who the fuck am I? Who am I? I'm Andrew Glouberman's dick.
Uh.
How about some funny glasses on it? I don't do that kind of thing.
Yeah, it's stupid, I didn't want it, the agency wanted it I know my dick's funny, so I don't like to take Right, but we thought it'd be funnier.
But, no, I get it, I agree.
Oh, I'll have a third champagne if it I dunno, okay.
Smile, but with your penis.
- [GRUNTING.]
- Hold it, hold it.
Yeah, baby.
- Oh, that was perfect.
- That was good? You're honestly a natural.
Have you done this before? - No, people say it's illegal.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe I'm just gonna be one of those women who can't have orgasms.
It's more common than you think.
Come on, you've only tried one method.
Remember that porno girl with the dope-ass vibrator? That part was compelling.
You know, vibrators been helpin' women for over one hundred years.
- Really? - Joojle it! Okay! "Some scholars trace the invention of the vibrator to 19th-century doctor Joseph Granville.
" Ooh, I was hoping we'd do this.
Mrs.
Thompson here suffers from female hysteria.
- What is this? - Lately, she has become willful and disobedient.
She keeps saying, "Oh, I want the right to vote, I want to work outside the home!" [CHUCKLES.]
- She's very ill.
- How is this related to vibrators? Sh, wait for it.
It's comin'.
Now, in order to cure her, we must induce hysterical paroxysm - using this incredible new device.
- [ENGINE CHUGGING.]
- [MOANING.]
- What the So, hysterical paroxysm is [MRS.
THOMPSON.]
This is my first orgasm! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, now, her I believe.
Behold, vibration for women's health.
I want to be healthy.
I am a lover of health and of healthy things too.
Well, from a sociological perspective, this is fucked up.
- But she seems happy, I guess? - Yeah.
And now they make vibrators that are waterproof.
You can bring it to your public pool.
Mm nah.
And now, if you'll all look underneath your plates, you will find dessert is served.
Ooh, exactly what I wanted, rosemary sorbet.
I got another hamburger.
Well, I saw how much you enjoyed the first one.
Monkey brains? Nice.
Aww, I don't wanna say what mine is.
- Leah - All right, fine.
I got "good booby cake"? It's prepared in one of your bras.
Ooh, sounds delicious.
Do you wanna trade for rosemary sorbet? Why are you humoring this psychopath? It's just pieces of paper.
And you guys are all playing along because he's so pathetic.
Nicholas Arsenio Birch.
Jay is just trying to do something nice for our family.
My family.
Not his.
I don't want him here.
He's barely house-broken.
He's an animal.
Wow, Nick, that really hurts.
You haven't even looked at your dessert.
Fine.
It says, "Even though you just called me an animal, you still get chocolate cake cause you're my brother, best friend"? Ta-da - [ALL.]
Aww.
- Magic! - How did he do that? - Oh, fuck you, Jay.
- Mm? - [DIANE.]
Aww! Brilliant.
Wow.
Wow, they're all they're all great.
Everyone at the agency's very happy.
- Oh, what about this one? - Sure.
- Want me to do a little Photoshop? - Oh.
Maybe add some veins, make it a little longer and thinner? - Oh, why? Do you think it looks - Chode-ish? No, not at all.
No, yeah, I think we just use it as is.
The natural look.
I love it! Who cares if it's oddly short and wide? I guess all that's left to do now is, uh send a picture of my dick to my father's brother's daughter.
Indeed.
Shall we? - [CHANTING.]
- [BOTH SIGH.]
- Lamb of God, Adonai - Huh? - and Allah - Mm.
please bless Sweet Andy's dick on its journey.
Amen.
Now we select, and we send.
Godspeed.
Hey, man, I didn't know you were, uh, religious? Well, I'm more spiritual.
I'm open to talking about it, if Oh, I really don't want to.
[KNOCKING.]
- [CREAKS.]
- Hello? Bilzerians? Anyone home? Look, I I I need you guys to take Jay back.
He's kinda [SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God, help! Help! Oh, shit, what's going on? [BARKING.]
Ruff.
Rumming.
Coming.
They're coming.
- Oh, no.
- [CACKLING.]
Huh, Spencer's Gifts really does have everything.
Look, it's a Fast and the Furious tea kettle.
[KETTLE.]
Hey, I'm Vin Tea-sel.
And it's all about family.
Yeah, that's a really cool tea kettle.
Oh, but hey, what's this over here? Adult toys? Watch out.
Have you ever, uh indulged? [CHUCKLES.]
Smooth transition.
Uh, no.
I mostly use my imagination.
And I have a Glo Worm and a bath faucet that really gets the job done.
Oh, of course, yeah.
But, like how do you know when the job is done? Well sometimes, um, when I'm, um, pleasuring myself, it starts to build, and then the coordinates all line up just right, and then boom, I'm in hyper speed.
And I'm just floating around in weightless bliss, kind of.
You know what I mean? - Uh - You don't know.
That's why you gotta buy - A Harry Potter vibrator? - Ooh, it's got a phoenix-feather core.
- That sounds promising.
- Nope.
Not walkin' up to the counter and purchasing a huge vibrator - from a dude with ear gauges.
- [BUZZING.]
- Oh, shit.
- [MALE VOICE.]
Accio Clitoris.
- Wingardium Labiosa.
- Who on earth would want this thing? And I guess it's me.
I'm puttin' it in my pocket.
Magic queer! Come out and gay! Oh.
Oh, God.
No, please don't [GABBLES.]
- What the fuck? You're not Jay.
- Oh! So you Wh You made this trap for Jay? Yeah, he's been holed up at your house, thinking he's all fancy, like Tony Hawk.
Ooh, I'm so jealous, can I visit your house? - Do you have.
like, plates or whatever? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah! Yeah, we have some plates.
Not not a ton.
A-anyway, this has been, you know, a real pleasure.
But but I think I'm just gonna head out? Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, plate boy.
We got a taser, and we need some nuts to shoot it at.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- No! [SOBBING.]
No.
- Whoa, did he just - [BARKING.]
Shut up, you stupid fucking dog.
Oh, no.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, God, you're so heavy.
Don't you dare tell Jay about that trap.
[BARKING.]
Rrovv.
Rrover.
Over.
My nightmare is over.
[CONNIE.]
It's okay, sugar.
They sell vibrators on the internet too.
[GASPS.]
Ooh, this one's two bucks, and it's called Pussy Stick.
Okay, I'm not using my mom's credit card to buy a budget dildo.
Oh.
Hey Nick's friend.
Um, yeah, hi-llo My name's actually Jessi.
I know your name, Jessi.
- Uh - Hey, girl, what's goin' on up there? That's me.
You know my name, Jessi Glaser.
Glaserdisc.
Of the East Coast Glaserdiscs, obviously.
- What? - From New York.
You know, New Yawk! - [LAUGHS.]
- Jessi, you havin' a stroke, girl? Who are you talking to? 'Cause I am schvitzing.
S I'm so sorry.
You know, I'm just headed home so good-ios.
- What are you talking about? - Adiós, I mean.
Yo hablo español.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Sorry, sorry - Uh I'm trying to get out of my way.
- Move.
- Ohhh, he's moving you.
- Thank you.
- Sniff the boy musk! - Huff it now! - Later.
Um, hello, down here, behind your zipper.
Someone tell me what's going on! Bye, chill out, see you later.
Oh.
Jessie Glaserdisc.
I will not be ignored.
I'm just kidding.
But what is up? I can feel your heartbeat in me.
Oh, God, please shut up.
Why hasn't she texted me back? It's been minutes.
I think she saw your glorious dick, and, oh, no, she had a heart attack.
[MARTY.]
Barbara, why'd you upload all these pictures - of pink mushrooms? - What? [BARBARA.]
What are you talking about? - [MARTY.]
I'm lookin' at the computer - No! - and I'm seeing dozens of of, uh - No.
hot dog ends? Oh, dear Lord, the dick pics.
They're in the cloud.
Did you put 'em in the cloud? We're on a family plan.
[BARBARA.]
Hold on, I'm coming to look.
No, no, no! What do I do? What do I do? Marty, that's not a hot dog.
That's a short, fat you-know-what on a pair of human testicles.
- Andrew! - We leave right now, start all over.
I've got the fake passports, - Kenneth Proudfrog.
- What? You're a Native American pool table salesman.
- I can't memorize all these details.
- You pervert.
You took pictures of your thing? No.
That's not me.
Then how come your face is in this one? - Why, Andrew? - [GASPS.]
And my Newsday.
I know that wiener.
I powdered it.
- [GROANS.]
- That's it, I'm takin' these.
You used up all our data with your your thing shots.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
- What's this? - A message from Cherry? - No, uh, don't No.
[GASPS.]
You sent this filth to your cousin? No.
What did she say? Andrew, are you trying to kill me? I'm ruined.
Yeah, that's right, I'm ruined.
And I'll never know if Cherry liked my picture.
There, there, Andrew.
I'm sure she didn't.
Okay, group chat, ladies.
Jessi, who was that voice? From the moment I heard it, it was like boom, Rainforest Cafe down here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ca-caw! That was Judd.
Judd makes her horny.
Okay, okay, but he's Nick's brother and he's so weird.
Yeah, he might be weird.
But you want him to push you up against a dirty wall like a little old rag doll.
Ugh, I don't know.
When Judd's around, she turns into Sig-horny Weaver.
Hell, yeah.
She's a horn-again Christian.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Horn-again! - Even though she Jew.
Okay, I don't like this for a number of reasons.
But mainly, it's just so embarrassing.
Aw, honey, don't be embarrassed.
Everybody gets turned on.
Yeah, even those you might not expect.
- Like Dame Judi Dench.
- Oof.
I bet her undies take a sponge bath every now and again.
[CHUCKLING.]
I bet they do.
Right, like, I guess they could call her, like, Dame Judi Drench, right? - Yay! - I told you she was funny.
- Thanks.
- Now, ladies let's talk about how Judd's BO make me be like [HOWLING.]
[HOWLING ECHOES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, I went to your house.
Oh, do you wanna live there? [LAUGHS.]
Do a classic switcheroo? No, I wanna live here, and I get why you do too.
I mean I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry I've been an asshole.
Well, I guess I'm sorry I took a number five in your sock drawer.
How many numbers come out of your body? Well, Nick, the numbers top off in the thirties, but that's when the symbols start.
I also took an asterisk - in your closet.
- Okay.
Well, I rescued your dog from that hellhole.
[GASPS.]
Luda! Hey, buddy! You are gonna love it here.
[BARKS.]
Rrraaaid.
Frrraid.
Afraid.
I'm afraid that if I can't be happy here, then perhaps I'm the problem.
Well, Nick, I've got someone very special for you to meet, too.
Nicholas Birch, meet the ghost of Harry Houdini.
Ta-da! Oh, Harry Houdini.
Wow.
Neat.
Well, he's not as excited as you said he'd be.
You were right about him, Nick.
He is emotionally fragile.
Wanna punch me in the stomach and kill me again? And he's got a big weird butt, which rules.
Uh-huh.
Jay, would you like to do your paper on Harry Houdini? What? Really? Oh, wait a minute, though, what about Duke? Well, I'd actually love to do my paper on him.
If that's okay with you, Duke? Nick, I would be proud to be the subject of your C-minus paper.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Mom, are you okay? I guess.
I don't know.
I miss Dina.
Oh.
But, like why? Well, she made me feel things.
And you'd never felt things before? No, I did, but for most of my life, it was sorta like You know the lazy river at the water park? - Sure, lazy river's a delight.
- Yeah, it's okay the first hundred times, but then it gets a little predictable.
And after a while, you'd rather just stay dry and read.
Oh.
But with Dina, it was like the log flume.
You're going up, it's building, you can't wait, and then whoosh, you're screaming, you get soaked, your face is all twisted, but you just wanna get right back on that ride.
And now, I feel like I just can't go back to the lazy river, you know what I'm saying? Um, I think you're saying Dad was bad at sex? No! Well we were bad at it together.
I I guess my point is, it's a long journey, and you should try out different rides.
Okay, I I think I understand.
But don't go to the water park until you're in college.
- Okay.
- And make sure you tinkle after every ride.
Ugh, Jesus Christ, Mom, okay, enough, I get it.
You probably won't get a better piece of advice in your life.
[ANDREW.]
My dearest cousin, Father has locked me away.
I fear we must accept our fate as star-crossed lovers kept apart by state lines and, dare I say, blood lines.
I pray for the death of a family member, that we may meet again at a Glouberman funeral.
I have no camera, but here's a drawing of me with today's newspaper.
Your little pony, Andy.
- [SIGHS.]
- It's been a real pleasure - working with you.
- What are you doing? You're you're not gonna kill yourself? - What? No.
- That wasn't a suicide note? You're just gonna go on living after your parents caught you sending your cousin a dick pic? Yes, because no teenager should kill themselves.
God damn it, you are resilient.
It's unbelievable.
- But they shouldn't! - Yes! Yes, right, right, right.
Netflix legal.
No teenager should kill themselves, even though it makes for captivating programming.
[BUZZING.]
Hm.
That vibrator's got a toothbrush on it.
Really? You think I should? Hey, Vagina, you awake? Yeah, just had coffee.
What's up? Mm, girls' trip! Whoo! Here we go! - [HOWLING.]
- Girls on a trip, that's a girls' trip.
- Oh, this is cool, I like this.
- This horse is workin' for me.
- Whoo-hoo! - [KNIFE SLASHES.]
So, this is the magic cave, and it says in order to get to the treasure inside, we have to activate the jewel.
- Not sure if this is right.
- [SQUEAKING.]
- Oh, it's right, all right.
- I like the circular action.
- I thought you might.
I listen.
- [RUMBLING.]
I think we should go inside.
I I I don't think I'm supposed to be in this part.
So [PANTING.]
- Who was that? - A mystery man.
Let's get him.
Come with me, Jessi.
[GASPS.]
It's Doctor Glaserdisc to you.
- I'll call you whatever I want.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Whoo! Ooh! Whoo! Aah! Aaaah! Whoa! [SIGHS.]
Okay, oh, my God was that - Was that it? Did it happen? - That was totally something.
So fun.
You did the thing! - [VAGINA.]
Excuse me, hello.
- [TAPS ON GLASS.]
Hi, ladies.
Over here.
Is she toasting? Is that what's going on? Some of you may know me as Jessi's genitals.
Oh, gosh, I should have written something down.
I do have this little piece of paper right here.
I just wanted to say, it's an honor to be a part of you, Jessi.
- Um - And to work alongside you, Connie.
Aw.
I'm gonna fucking cry.
And I'm just so proud that we get to be on this journey together.
Now let's go wash that toothbrush.
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo! - [CONNIE LAUGHS.]
My boo ghosts, but I don't need him Five digits gonna make me Squirm and scream This is all on me All I need, my hand pressed Move to the rhythm of my slow breaths I know best, I know better Killin' this, a real go-getter So take five, slip and slide All I need to go is one hand inside Take five, slip and slide All I need to go is one hand Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm in the tub My legs up, don't give a fuck Pressin' my button I feel the floodin' Pressin' my button I feel this rubbin' Engine go, go, I'm on the floor - Fathouse.
- [LIGHT BULB BUZZING.]