Blue Mountain State (2009) s03e06 Episode Script

We're live at BMS stadium for this highly anticipated game between BMS and the Buckingham Titans.
This promises to be a battle.
You suck.
Yeah? We suck titties, bro.
- We suck titties too.
- So do we.
Thyrese, save it for the field.
Hope you have your lucky tampons in, because you pussies are gonna need them.
Hey, is your ex-wife still banging your boss? - How you doing, buddy? - Good to see you, Marty.
I don't suck hot girl's titties, only your mom's.
- I know, he's so awkward.
- Stephanie? - Couch? - Yeah.
Jesus Christ, it's been years.
- Yeah, I know.
- What are you doing here? - In this stadium? - Yeah.
- I'm the quarterback.
- Is that right? - Oh yeah.
- Wow.
Well, I'll try not to distract you too much on the field.
Oh well, I mean, you know-- See you out there, Couch.
The couch thing was a long time ago.
I said we suck titties first.
You don't suck titties! We suck titties! Everybody back in the locker room.
You never even sucked a titty.
I invented titty sucking! Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now.
Hey, Alex, why'd that cheerleader back there call you Couch? I lost my virginity to her in high school, that's all.
- On a couch? - Yeah.
And then she told the whole school the next day that I actually had sex with the couch that we were on, not her.
Yeah.
- Did you? - I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure I had sex with her.
Well, now's your chance to erase all doubt, man.
She's right next door.
Believe me, I've been thinking about that nonstop.
But the game's about to start soon.
She's gonna get on a bus back to Buckingham.
- It would literally take a miracle.
- Everybody listen up.
There's been a major power outage so the game's been postponed till noon tomorrow.
I want you all to go home and relax.
Get some rest, but keep that anger and intensity.
We'll meet back here first thing in the morning.
It's a miracle.
This is gonna be awesome.
Everyone's still drunk and amped up for the game.
This is gonna be a great party.
Oooh ooooh! Hey, Sammy.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, this is a bitch- free zone, Stephanie.
You're gonna have to spread sadness someplace else, okay? Hey, Steph.
It's okay.
I invited her.
You invited Stephanie bell to the goat house? Just one minute, please.
Thank you.
Well, I have to get over the couch thing.
Listen, I know this bothers you, but you're not the only person who got hurt there.
My best friend had sex with a couch.
That's humiliating.
I got over it and so should you.
Sammy, you don't get it.
She's the reason why I feel like I have to prove myself to every woman I meet.
Yeah, every time I'm with a girl, Stephanie flashes through my brain.
I need to sleep with her and do it right this time - so I can move on.
- No.
- No? - No, man.
I can't believe this dick had the balls to show up here.
See ya, Marty.
I'm gonna go drink myself to sleep.
Hey, we're gonna get a little poker game going here - if you boys want in.
- Sure, why not? Friendly little game, right? Oh yeah.
The friendliest.
Chicks love that.
You're lucky the game was postponed.
Otherwise I'd be pounding you right now.
- I'd like to see you try.
- Oh, you will.
It's called tomorrow.
Move aside, I want to see the inside of this dump.
I don't think so.
Voop! I just created an invisible force field making the goat house a restricted area.
Damn it.
Oop.
So I am really glad you came.
Aw.
Well, that makes the first time you've gotten me to come.
That was a good one.
I like that.
- Thank you.
- Hey, you want to come inside and see my bed? Um, I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much.
This d-bag giving you a hard time, Steph? Thyrese Clark? This d-bag giving you a hard time, Moran? The only d-bag I see is the one I'm looking at.
That's it.
Beer pong in the goat house right now, mano versus mano.
Please, I could beat you with my girlfriend tied behind my back.
Well, I could beat you with my Me.
I'll do it.
- You and me versus them.
- Perfect.
And Moran's pretty much a girl so teams are even.
Hey, Titans, it's beer pong time.
Oh yeah, bear pong! So what's your plan? You're gonna get me drunk? - It's not gonna work.
- It worked when we were 15.
Beer pong at the goat house! Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
What about the force field? Oh yeah.
Beeyuu! - It's off now.
- Thanks.
No problem.
Welcome to a game of beer pong.
- We got BMS.
- Yeah! - Versus Buckingham.
- You suck it! Goat house rules.
When you make a shot that team gets to make a new rule.
Visitors, you call it in the air.
You got me? - Heads.
- Heads it is.
Would you like to throw or receive? Defense.
- Why would you pick defense? - Shows confidence.
They must really be confident, Moran.
- Yup.
- You throw first.
I plan on it.
- First throw.
- Blue 16.
- You're nothing, Moran.
- Hut.
- It's good.
- Stephanie drinks.
Whoa, hold on a second here.
New rule: Quarterback makes the shot, the opposing quarterback has to drink.
No wait.
I thought I get to make the rule.
Trust me.
I'm doing you a favor.
"Meet me upstairs"? Gay much? Gay much? - Nice try.
- Oh, I'm not done yet.
Addition to the rule.
Back row of cups filled with booze.
No more beer.
- Mojitos! - Mojitos! My tolerance is through the roof.
Well, so is my persistence.
Oh yeah.
All night.
All night, boys.
Lucky.
Hey, Marty ever tell you guys about the time he got a stiffy in the cowboy's team shower? No, but I did tell them how you like to look at other guy's peckers in the shower.
Only yours, baby.
Only yours.
I am all in.
What's this shit? I said it was a friendly game.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it's too much taking all your money and crushing your title hopes all in the same day.
Okay, if that's how it's gonna be.
- But why stop there? - What do you got in mind? The first 15 plays for tomorrow's game.
I know you script them.
You throw 'em in the pot and I'll match you.
You are on.
Shoot shoot shoot shoot It's good! New rule-- - shirts off.
- Yeah, shirts off.
Shirts off.
Get 'em off.
Hey, check it out, Steph.
Moran has better tits than you do.
You tell the best jokes.
You got that? Totally.
Moran has tits.
Funny as hell.
Shirts off.
Yeah! Ha ha! Okay.
We can't let them get this.
I know.
- Oh man.
- He hit the table.
- Did not.
- Ref, I challenge the play.
Buckingham challenges the play on the field.
This matter will now be settled by a freeze out.
- Oh shit.
- Yep.
Both teams strip and race around the house.
The team that gets back first gets the decision.
Get out of here! - Got you, Castle.
- You cheated! You cheated! Hey, Steph.
Steph, wait.
Can we talk for a second? Mm-hmm.
- Let's make things interesting.
- Okay.
If you beat us in beer pong tonight, you can take me up to your room and do whatever you want with me.
Oh, I-- what about your boyfriend? Well, if you beat us he'll be passed out, right? Shit.
Now I got a semi.
Suckingham wins.
BMS drinks.
Are you kidding me, Moran? You let Thyrese's girlfriend beat you? - His girlfriend cheats.
- Yeah she does.
Whoo! That's halftime.
Okay, Marty.
You done with the betting? Is that from '06? Yeah.
I wear it when I play BMS because I know it pisses you off.
You wear it because it's the only one you have.
- Oh.
- Jon Jon, get the box.
- Marty, Marty-- - Get it.
How about this? You put up your ring and I'll put up one of my six.
In fact I'll let you choose which one.
'99.
We both know my team was better than yours that year.
Okay, Fisher.
Do you have the balls? Sammy, you've got to stop messing with me in there, all right? Steph said she'd sleep with me if I won the game.
Oh my God, that girl is setting you up.
I think she's changed, all right? Besides, I don't even care.
This is something I have to do for myself.
Fine, you want to be stupid, go ahead.
I'm not gonna get in your way.
But don't come crying to me when that girl tells everybody you had sex with a couch again.
Whoa.
Sweet room, bro.
Loving the waterbed.
Mine broke last year when I was boning.
Bro beans, I know.
This is my third mattress.
Hey, can I ask you something? How come we never hung out before tonight? 'Cause we're supposed to be enemies.
Yeah, but what if we weren't? If my team ever saw me being friends with you, they'd never believe in me again.
Same here, bro beans.
That's why when the whistle blows we've got to go back to being enemies.
Totally.
Halftime is over.
You're a dead man, Castle.
Suck it, Thyrese.
Buckingham will start the second half with the ball.
- Whoo! - Let's go! See, I came from the bottom on my way to the top I won't stop 'cause I go hard you're thinking that you're better gonna get up on my level try and test me 'cause I go hard I switched the game up I got 'em changing their gear now whoop, no mistake, no pun intended, I'm here now it's all in why they callin' , see, homie, I'm all in always the last pick overall they call me a wild card see, I came from the bottom on my way to the top I won't stop 'cause I go hard you're thinking that you're better gonna get up on my level try and test me 'cause I go hard.
Okay, gentlemen, the betting is closed.
Last chance to pull out, Daniels.
I never pull out.
Just ask your sister.
Yeah! Eat shit, Fisher.
Coach Daniels has two pair, eights high.
- Ooh! - Yes! Yes! After you suck my ass, Daniels.
Coach Fisher has two pair, Okay, both teams are down to their final cups.
Buckingham has the ball.
Suck it, cheerleader.
Oh, she'll be sucking it all right.
You are talking about blowjobs.
This is it.
You hit this, you get what you want.
But don't say I didn't warn you, pal.
How bad do you want it, Couch? Let's go, Moran! Yeah, Couch.
Stick it in the cup this time.
Try not to put it in the couch.
Couch couch.
Couch couch couch You told everybody? What can I say? I'm a bad girl.
Oh, that's-- oh God.
Time out! - That's a timeout.
- We need to talk.
That Excuse me, dudes.
What's the matter? You don't like the name Couch? No.
Moran, I'm gonna tell you a story I've never told anyone.
When I was a kid I had a lisp.
And one day my teacher asked me how I felt about my dad going off to war and I said, "Miss Simmons, I'm really sad.
" I meant to say sad but it came out Thad.
After that all the kids started calling me Thad.
- Oh.
- At first I hated it.
Every day I was humiliated.
But you know what I decided to do? - What? - I decided to own it.
I started calling myself Thad.
Why? - Because screw everyone else, that's why.
- Damn right.
And that decision made me who I am today.
- So what was your real name? - Kevin.
But don't you ever call me that because I am Thad.
Couch couch couch couch All right, all right.
So I banged a couch in high school.
Big deal.
You know what? It felt great.
And I came.
I once had sex with my mother's fuzzy slippers.
And I came too.
I once stuck my pecker in a wet gopher hole.
Little critter came right up and just started going-- Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
I think we made our point, guys.
You can call me whatever you want, Steph.
But I am over it.
Suck it, Suckingham! Well, I guess you just los--- That was the hottest thing I have ever seen.
Oh yeah.
Where's your room? It's, uh - I don't have a room.
- What? Yeah, I sleep on the couch.
Feels good.
I don't need your first Come to papa where you belong.
Hey, this has been fun, but I've got a football game to win.
Hey.
Thanks, Marty.
I'm not gonna be that nice on the football field.
- I'm really proud of you, Alex.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Stephanie's hot.
Me personally, I would have banged her.
The power's back on.
Bitch.
Hey, Steph.
Um, just out of curiosity, were you really gonna sleep with me or were you setting me up again? I was really gonna sleep with you.
Then I was gonna tell everyone that you have a small dick to mess with your head for the game.
Loser.
That's what I thought.
Be seeing you.
Hey, I'll see you on the field? Does a whale shit in the ocean? Not if it's at seaworld.
- Hey, Couch.
- Hmm? Don't have sex with any more couches.
- Will do.
- Oh my gosh.
I just got why they call you Couch.
Because you had sex with a couch.
Hey, everyone.
Moran had sex with a couch.
Thanks, Kevin.
Next Wednesday on an all new "Blue Mountain State" What makes you interested in joining the CIA? Sammy searches for his true calling.
- Sir, please get back.
- It's fine, I'm going to save your life.
That man is highly contagious.