Bottom (1991) s03e06 Episode Script
Carnival
God! Some people are short-tempered, aren't they? Yeah.
Well, about four or five thousand of them by the looks of things.
Oh, but it's wonderful, Eddie.
All the local communities are out there on the streets - Beating the shit out of each other.
- Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time! Ooh! Look at that policeman over there! - Which one? - The one jumping around, waving his arms.
- The one that's on fire? - Yeah.
He's got no one to blame but himself.
It was him that started it all by appealing for calm.
Was it? Provocative bastard! What's the point in a carnival if you can't get your shopping done? - Whoa! - Nice one! - Ah, it's great - Yeah.
- Did you see the floats? - I flushed it! No, no, no.
No, no Oh, look! Here come the Nazis! Hooray! That should get things going again! They're going into the Lamb & Flag! Oh, yeah, thought so.
Dick's throwing them out.
No! The police are throwing them back in! Now, that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's antisocial, that is! - What? - Throwing those bottles about like that.
- No, no, Eddie.
They're empties.
- Oh! Well, that's all right, then.
You get stuck in, mate! Have one on me! That'll teach you, Eddie.
You should stay out of politics.
Oh, look! There's Father O'Malley! Nice shooting, Father.
- Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he? - Yeah.
- He should put his clothes back on.
- Yeah.
Mind you, it's that that's frightened off the Nazis.
What? Oh! Have they gone? Aww! Wahey! You know, I think these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riot.
I know, I know.
They are bloody marvellous, aren't they? - Well done! - Marvellous! Best part of the show so far! Encore! - That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop.
- Yeah.
Fatty threw the petrol bomb.
I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday.
Same every year.
Yeah, it'll be drinks on him again tonight.
Oh, look.
Here come the fire brigade.
- Fatty's stopped them.
- He's having a word.
- Money's changing hands - And they're off again.
He must be going for the full rebuild this year.
And just in the nick of time, too.
I was getting a bit peckish.
You know, that's what I love about this country - tradition.
I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us! I know.
It's shocking, isn't it? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it.
I mean, look at that, Eddie! Half of London's alight! That's British craftsmanship, that is.
Oh, look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float! They've made a little van and everything! Aah! Aw, look, look! They're ram-raiding the off-license.
Bless 'em.
They're too young to know, aren't they? - What? - That you've done it already! Yep, well, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to beat Uncle Eddie! Well, it's as I always say, the carnival is a marvellous business opportunity.
Would you like me to toast your marshmallows? Oh, I see what you mean! Oh, yes, marvellous.
Get on with it.
Right, we'll just wait for the window of Currys to blow, then we'll pop out and do a bit of shopping.
There's a 28-inch, surround sound TV with FastText, FST, Nicam and loads of bollocks that nobody understands, that I've had my eye on.
- A bit overdone.
- Right.
Shopping list, shopping list.
- I'll grab hold of my ballpoint.
- Ooh-er! Oh, no.
Richie.
No time for crap double entendres, Currys' window's just blown.
- They've just thrown Aswad through it.
- Have they? Right.
Banzai, baby! Balaclavas on and let's go shopping.
- You dropped it! - I was being run over by the riot squad! Well, two wrongs don't make a right, young man.
Being run over doesn't mean you can smash a television.
I could have been watching Sophie Grigson washing a cucumber or anything! - She's married.
- I know! To the wrong bloke.
Still, at least we got the duck.
- The duck? - Yeah! It's made out of plastic! Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck? It floats in the bath.
- Hello! - But why? - It's hollow! - No - Why the duck? - It came free with the telly.
Eddie, everything came free with the telly.
We were looting! - Why didn't you get a free telly?! - It'd sink in the bath! - Well, what else did you get? - I got a free police baton.
Ooh! Interesting.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it.
- Nasty.
- Yeah, it's one of those new long ones with the side handle.
It's playing merry hell with my liver.
- Nasty! - Anyway, never mind.
How did you get on? Well, not bad, not bad.
Boots was a bit crowded and WH Smith's was jammed and, er on fire a bit.
There was a lot of blood in C & A's Hmm! Anyway, I popped into the post office on me way home to take some money out.
It was a nightmare in there! You should have seen the queue! By the time I got to the front, there was nothing left - no counter, no grill.
Tell me something new.
I mean, Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable! Well, I have heard that.
Mmm, mmm.
- Oh, go on.
Have another Hobnob! - Oh, you are evil! Don't you start on me! Ooh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it? No, I'm not that pervy.
- Are you not? - Did you see the Semolina-U-Like? - Such a mess! - What can you do? - I don't know.
- I blame the TV.
- I blame that Channel Tunnel.
- I blame those sprouts we had yesterday.
I think I'll make a fresh pot of tea.
This one's been here for three months.
Count me in.
- How did you get on, Eddie? - Well, I was leaving the Body Shop - and there were a lot of bodies in there - and I thought I'd nip to the greengrocers and loot a few pounds of broccoli florets, and you'll never guess what.
- What? - We've been burgled! Well, you may have been, young man, but I'm so tightly clenched, that Oh! Burgled! There was 156 cases of Malibu there! 156! That was going to see me through to the weekend! - Bastards! Call the police! - It's carnival time.
They're all on fire! - Bastards! - Try and be a bit more Buddhist about it.
Bastards! Bastards! Bastards! If it wasn't for the other 36 cases upstairs I'd be really angry.
Right! I'm going to write to my MP.
- Why? - Because I love her! Eddie, Tony Blair is a man! - She's not! She's not! - She is! She is! - She's not! She's not! - Quiet! Spectacles.
Spectacles back on.
Now calm down about Tony Blair.
And anyway, fret ye not, me old amigo, because, if you care to take a peek inside my trousers, I think you'll find something down there that'll put a smile on your face.
- What? You mean? - Yes.
- Sharon Stone? - Ye No! Sharon Stone, with a sort of "Where's Eddie?" expression on her face, - wearing nothing but a honey sandwich? - No.
- A jam sandwich! - No.
- Got it! It's a kebab, isn't it? - It's not a kebab, Eddie! Sharon Stone, painted green, vacuum-packed, with the "Racing Post" sticking out her bum! Shut up! Shut up! - Come in.
- Shut up, you sick, depraved Eddie de Sade! I've told you not to tell me your deviant fantasies! Oh, God, I won't be able to sleep tonight.
I won't be able to see by morning! Think Kenneth Clark, Richie.
Just think Kenneth Clark.
Kenneth Clark Kenneth Clark Kenneth Clark Kenneth Clark John Selwyn Gummer! Oh, it's gone.
I'd forgotten about that! Look at this! Wrong one! Take a look at this! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! What do you think? - How did you get all that in your trousers? - Well, there's plenty of room sadly.
- Where did you get it? - Well, I found it in a BBC van.
It was just lying there, so I took it.
I pay my license fee.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, but they don't know that.
- Master criminal! - Thanks, Eddie.
Right, this is the plan.
We are going to make our own movies, right? We'll get famous and get our pick of the birds.
Oh! Right! Let's make "9½ Weeks".
No! No! "Nude Birds Go Upstairs To Eddie's Bedroom!" No.
No, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come back.
Honestly, you're so naif, aren't you? It's far more wily, my plan.
Far more wily than that.
OK, who is the sexiest man on TV? - Well, Kilroy, obviously.
- Of course, of course.
Kilroy.
I'm going to make my very own prime time current affairs discussion programme.
That's right.
You heard me right the first time.
Pretty crafty, eh? If that doesn't get me sauced, then I'm a Dutchman! - Hilloo, Jacob! - Hilloo! Orangeboome, clog, dyke, windmill Shit! - Action! - Hello and good morning.
Should traffic wardens be armed? In the stu I'm stuck! Oh, God, you bastard, Eddie! Why do you never flush the toilet? That was fantastic, Richie! We could send it to "Jeremy Beadle's Hilarious Violent Domestic Incidents".
Come on, let's do it again, and this time I'll turn the camera on.
We could make a fortune out of this! - Money? - Yeah, if you really hurt yourself, you can win up to £1,000! - Really? - Everybody loves a near-death experience.
Eddie! I think we may have found our milieu.
- Shall I get a mop? - I'm a genius! We've got a camcorder, we just record an hilarious accident.
- What about an dog? - An dog on an skateboard? An dog on an skateboard that accidentally hangs itself and then catches fire! This is good, Eddie.
This is epic.
This idea is catching fire.
Right! Casting! Casting! Get me some dogs! Casting, get me dogs and some jodhpurs and an eye patch and a casting couch with a nudey bird on it major jugs I mean, MAJOR jugs No! Scratch! Eddie, I've got it! It HAS to be a wedding! We've gotta move with the market.
It's the '80s.
Right.
I need to find a bird, marry her, suddenly have friends for the reception, then suddenly, at the dance afterwards - bam! - Someone accidentally falls over! Or you could accidentally catch a dart in your head.
- You may have something there, Eddie.
- Yeah, I think it's syphilis.
Everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they? That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers! - I mean, toddlers falling off trikes.
- Pah! This is the real stuff.
The cutting edge of family video accidents.
Let's do it! Just another ordinary day in my kitchen.
I hope to goodness gracious me no viciously hilarious accidents happen.
- Oh, Marjorie? - Yes, dear? Cut! Cut! Cut! The dart's in the eye! - Yeah, I can see that! - That's not funny.
That's just an accident! Reset to go again, everyone.
Oh, I'm the only one here.
Oh, all right.
I'll do it all myself.
Oh, God! Now catch it in your forehead, darling.
You're not indispensable, you know? Go again! Right, here we go.
This is the BAFTA.
Try and enjoy it, Eddie.
And action.
# La-la-la-la-la-la-la # Just another ordinary day in my kitchen except I've lost the sight in one eye.
I hope to goodness gracious nothing horribly amusing happens today.
Oh, Marjorie? Yes, dear? Come along! Come along! Oh! Drat! Those pesky kids! Oh, dear! I feel all dizzy now.
I hope I don't fall into this frying pan full of hot burning fat.
Oh, bollocks.
I'm all inflammable now.
Matches? Matches? Come on, Eddie.
We're losing the audience.
Oh, no.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
Genius! Now the window! Oh, God.
Someone's left the window open.
No, someone hasn't.
Well, I still hope I don't fall out of it.
- How was it, then? - Eddie You were fabulous! Just, just, just, just, just, just Just astonishing! I mean, I cried.
- YOU cried? - Yeah.
I cried when I realised we hadn't put the tape in.
The tape wasn't in the camera? ish.
Does that mean there's a sort of problem with the recording? - We will have to go again.
- What? Back to Casualty? You are a funny guy! - Now, come on, darling.
Time is money.
- I've retired.
Back on your feet, ducky! A blank tape's no good to me Wait a minute! That's it! That's the joke! No one's tried that before! "Dear Beadle, I was filming my wife accidentally "sewing her head to the curtains, when suddenly, joke on joke, "I realised I hadn't put the tape in the camera! "Take a look at this blank cassette.
I think you'll agree hilarity prevails! "Please make the cheque out to Richard Richard.
" It's brilliant! Eddie, we'd better make sure it's blank.
- Oh, no! We haven't got a video! - Don't be stupid, Richie.
I picked up 17 this morning.
There's 43 in the attic.
Fantastic! Can you wire them up? You betcha, matey! Step to one side.
Seems ages since the carnival.
Yeah, must be about a week now.
How's the video coming along? Almost unwrapped.
Oh.
Another wire.
Mmm a white one.
# Over the hills we go, laughing all the way # Hey, Rich! That's it! She's ready to go! Oh, marvellous! At last! - Now, installation instructions.
- What?! Number one # He rattled his maracas close to me # - Hi, Eddie! - Oh, hiya, Rich! - How was your holiday? - Oh, it was marvellous! Glad to be back.
The carnival starts tomorrow.
- How's the video going? - Well, your timing's impeccable, because I only have to connect the SCAR socket up to the LAN connector like so and She's ready inside a year! Sterling work, Eddie.
Come on.
Let's fire her up! Thanks, Mr Repair Man.
Crate of Malibu for cash? - That'll do nicely.
- And, er watch out for the top step! - Gets them every time! - Yeah! Give me five, Eddie! Yeah, they're great, these American things.
Right! All set.
Slap in the cassette and check it's blank.
This is it, Eddie.
We'll be frolicking in vodka-flavoured clover from here on in.
There you go.
Completely blan Hey, hang on.
What's that? It's a room.
I don't recognise that.
- It's not in our house, is it? - Hold up.
Who's that coming in? It's the Prime Minister! Stand up, Eddie, for God's sake! Salute! That's enough of that.
Good afternoon, sir.
Eddie, put a doily on the telly or something, for Christ's sake! Sorry, sir.
Carry on.
Is, er Is that his bedroom, do you think? Oh, very much so, I believe, yes.
This is obviously an informal walk about the prime ministerial private apartments.
Well, it's very informal, isn't it? He's taking his shirt off now! Yes, well The Prime Minster's nipples.
It's a great honour, sir.
- It's obviously very hot.
- He's obviously got a hot todger, as well.
Hang on.
Who's she? Oh, that must be his mummy.
Yes, it's obviously the Prime Minister's bedtime.
Oh, I see.
That is very unusual behaviour, isn't it? Maybe she's just chaining him to the bed in case he falls off.
Yes, yes, yes, that must be it.
Look.
She's very hot, too.
Look.
She's taking her dress off.
Oh, look! She's brought him a little present! What is that? A sort of model of a moon rocket, isn't it? Whoa! - What did she stick it in there for?! - Maybe she's taking his temperature.
Yes, that must be it.
Yes, yes.
He's obviously ill, yes.
- Well, that would be why he's so hot.
- Yes! Yes, of course.
I mean, look at the poor little mite, he's groaning and thrashing around the place.
He's obviously got a very high fever and that's why she's sucking the poison out of him.
I wish I had a mum like that.
Yeah, that's right! Thrash the fever out of him! He's saying something, Eddie.
Turn the sound up.
- I think it's mute.
- You can lipread.
What's he saying? "Oh, yes.
"Oh, yes! "Oh, yes! "Oh, yes! "Oh! Oh! Oh! YES! "OH, YES! "OH, YEEEES!! "Aaah.
" Oh, yes.
He's calmed down a bit now.
Hang on.
Who's she? That must be his auntie.
She's very friendly, isn't she? - I think they must be sisters.
- Yes, that'll be it.
- Don't sit there! - She can't have seen him! He'll suffocate! I can't think that that's hygienic.
- Eddie? - Yeah? Is it just me, or do you sense a slight sexual undercurrent to this? You don't suppose that what we're witnessing here is Prime Minister's perving about in a career-threatening once-in-a-lifetime blackmailing opportunity for two wily old desperadoes like us time? - Where's the phone? - Stand back! Hello! Get me the Prime Minister! Because I want to blackmail him Richard Richard Ooh, shit! I accidentally gave my name away.
You'll have to phone using an assumed name.
Right you are.
Yes, hello.
I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister.
Er, Richard Richard.
You stupid idiot, Eddie! You bloody fool! - They'll be on to us now! - Oh, don't talk bollocks, Richie! It'll take them weeks to find us! Hello? It's the police! Yes? They say we're surrounded by the SAS.
It's a siege! - We've got to think fast! - Well, that's us knackered, then, isn't it? - Yeah, well, should we give in now? - Oh! No! Sandwiches! It's a siege, right? We could eat like kings! Good thinking, Eddie.
Leave this to me.
Hello? What kind of sandwiches do you do? Sandwiches! They say they don't do sandwiches, they're a highly-trained anti-terrorist organisation.
Well, they're talking to the wrong bloke! I want three egg, two crab paste and one avocado and black pudding with ketchup and a can of Tizer! Let's start getting heavy! Did you get all that? - Yeah? Yeah Yeah Hah! - What does he say? Throw out the cassette or he'll kill us immediately.
All right.
Well, let's start negotiating downwards.
What about Ritz crackers, Twiglets, those cheesy things? OK, leave it to me, Eddie.
Hello.
We take your point on the sandwiches.
What's your position on canapés? Oh.
Oh, damn.
I suppose a helicopter's out of the question, is it? Oh, what about a nudey evening with Carol Barnes, the popular newsreader? Look! Half a Curly-Wurly and a packet of Love Hearts is me final offer! Circumstances can change awfully quickly these days, can't they? Well, this is the '70s, after all, Eddie.
Ooh! Hello? 4444444? It's them again! Yes, hello, the colander.
Yes, we got your hint.
Eddie, throw down the video.
Right you are.
- What does he say? - He says"Ow! Go, A-Squad.
" - "Go, A-Squad"?! - "Go, A-Squad"! Oh, shit!
Well, about four or five thousand of them by the looks of things.
Oh, but it's wonderful, Eddie.
All the local communities are out there on the streets - Beating the shit out of each other.
- Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time! Ooh! Look at that policeman over there! - Which one? - The one jumping around, waving his arms.
- The one that's on fire? - Yeah.
He's got no one to blame but himself.
It was him that started it all by appealing for calm.
Was it? Provocative bastard! What's the point in a carnival if you can't get your shopping done? - Whoa! - Nice one! - Ah, it's great - Yeah.
- Did you see the floats? - I flushed it! No, no, no.
No, no Oh, look! Here come the Nazis! Hooray! That should get things going again! They're going into the Lamb & Flag! Oh, yeah, thought so.
Dick's throwing them out.
No! The police are throwing them back in! Now, that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's antisocial, that is! - What? - Throwing those bottles about like that.
- No, no, Eddie.
They're empties.
- Oh! Well, that's all right, then.
You get stuck in, mate! Have one on me! That'll teach you, Eddie.
You should stay out of politics.
Oh, look! There's Father O'Malley! Nice shooting, Father.
- Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he? - Yeah.
- He should put his clothes back on.
- Yeah.
Mind you, it's that that's frightened off the Nazis.
What? Oh! Have they gone? Aww! Wahey! You know, I think these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riot.
I know, I know.
They are bloody marvellous, aren't they? - Well done! - Marvellous! Best part of the show so far! Encore! - That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop.
- Yeah.
Fatty threw the petrol bomb.
I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday.
Same every year.
Yeah, it'll be drinks on him again tonight.
Oh, look.
Here come the fire brigade.
- Fatty's stopped them.
- He's having a word.
- Money's changing hands - And they're off again.
He must be going for the full rebuild this year.
And just in the nick of time, too.
I was getting a bit peckish.
You know, that's what I love about this country - tradition.
I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us! I know.
It's shocking, isn't it? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it.
I mean, look at that, Eddie! Half of London's alight! That's British craftsmanship, that is.
Oh, look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float! They've made a little van and everything! Aah! Aw, look, look! They're ram-raiding the off-license.
Bless 'em.
They're too young to know, aren't they? - What? - That you've done it already! Yep, well, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to beat Uncle Eddie! Well, it's as I always say, the carnival is a marvellous business opportunity.
Would you like me to toast your marshmallows? Oh, I see what you mean! Oh, yes, marvellous.
Get on with it.
Right, we'll just wait for the window of Currys to blow, then we'll pop out and do a bit of shopping.
There's a 28-inch, surround sound TV with FastText, FST, Nicam and loads of bollocks that nobody understands, that I've had my eye on.
- A bit overdone.
- Right.
Shopping list, shopping list.
- I'll grab hold of my ballpoint.
- Ooh-er! Oh, no.
Richie.
No time for crap double entendres, Currys' window's just blown.
- They've just thrown Aswad through it.
- Have they? Right.
Banzai, baby! Balaclavas on and let's go shopping.
- You dropped it! - I was being run over by the riot squad! Well, two wrongs don't make a right, young man.
Being run over doesn't mean you can smash a television.
I could have been watching Sophie Grigson washing a cucumber or anything! - She's married.
- I know! To the wrong bloke.
Still, at least we got the duck.
- The duck? - Yeah! It's made out of plastic! Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck? It floats in the bath.
- Hello! - But why? - It's hollow! - No - Why the duck? - It came free with the telly.
Eddie, everything came free with the telly.
We were looting! - Why didn't you get a free telly?! - It'd sink in the bath! - Well, what else did you get? - I got a free police baton.
Ooh! Interesting.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it.
- Nasty.
- Yeah, it's one of those new long ones with the side handle.
It's playing merry hell with my liver.
- Nasty! - Anyway, never mind.
How did you get on? Well, not bad, not bad.
Boots was a bit crowded and WH Smith's was jammed and, er on fire a bit.
There was a lot of blood in C & A's Hmm! Anyway, I popped into the post office on me way home to take some money out.
It was a nightmare in there! You should have seen the queue! By the time I got to the front, there was nothing left - no counter, no grill.
Tell me something new.
I mean, Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable! Well, I have heard that.
Mmm, mmm.
- Oh, go on.
Have another Hobnob! - Oh, you are evil! Don't you start on me! Ooh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it? No, I'm not that pervy.
- Are you not? - Did you see the Semolina-U-Like? - Such a mess! - What can you do? - I don't know.
- I blame the TV.
- I blame that Channel Tunnel.
- I blame those sprouts we had yesterday.
I think I'll make a fresh pot of tea.
This one's been here for three months.
Count me in.
- How did you get on, Eddie? - Well, I was leaving the Body Shop - and there were a lot of bodies in there - and I thought I'd nip to the greengrocers and loot a few pounds of broccoli florets, and you'll never guess what.
- What? - We've been burgled! Well, you may have been, young man, but I'm so tightly clenched, that Oh! Burgled! There was 156 cases of Malibu there! 156! That was going to see me through to the weekend! - Bastards! Call the police! - It's carnival time.
They're all on fire! - Bastards! - Try and be a bit more Buddhist about it.
Bastards! Bastards! Bastards! If it wasn't for the other 36 cases upstairs I'd be really angry.
Right! I'm going to write to my MP.
- Why? - Because I love her! Eddie, Tony Blair is a man! - She's not! She's not! - She is! She is! - She's not! She's not! - Quiet! Spectacles.
Spectacles back on.
Now calm down about Tony Blair.
And anyway, fret ye not, me old amigo, because, if you care to take a peek inside my trousers, I think you'll find something down there that'll put a smile on your face.
- What? You mean? - Yes.
- Sharon Stone? - Ye No! Sharon Stone, with a sort of "Where's Eddie?" expression on her face, - wearing nothing but a honey sandwich? - No.
- A jam sandwich! - No.
- Got it! It's a kebab, isn't it? - It's not a kebab, Eddie! Sharon Stone, painted green, vacuum-packed, with the "Racing Post" sticking out her bum! Shut up! Shut up! - Come in.
- Shut up, you sick, depraved Eddie de Sade! I've told you not to tell me your deviant fantasies! Oh, God, I won't be able to sleep tonight.
I won't be able to see by morning! Think Kenneth Clark, Richie.
Just think Kenneth Clark.
Kenneth Clark Kenneth Clark Kenneth Clark Kenneth Clark John Selwyn Gummer! Oh, it's gone.
I'd forgotten about that! Look at this! Wrong one! Take a look at this! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! What do you think? - How did you get all that in your trousers? - Well, there's plenty of room sadly.
- Where did you get it? - Well, I found it in a BBC van.
It was just lying there, so I took it.
I pay my license fee.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, but they don't know that.
- Master criminal! - Thanks, Eddie.
Right, this is the plan.
We are going to make our own movies, right? We'll get famous and get our pick of the birds.
Oh! Right! Let's make "9½ Weeks".
No! No! "Nude Birds Go Upstairs To Eddie's Bedroom!" No.
No, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come back.
Honestly, you're so naif, aren't you? It's far more wily, my plan.
Far more wily than that.
OK, who is the sexiest man on TV? - Well, Kilroy, obviously.
- Of course, of course.
Kilroy.
I'm going to make my very own prime time current affairs discussion programme.
That's right.
You heard me right the first time.
Pretty crafty, eh? If that doesn't get me sauced, then I'm a Dutchman! - Hilloo, Jacob! - Hilloo! Orangeboome, clog, dyke, windmill Shit! - Action! - Hello and good morning.
Should traffic wardens be armed? In the stu I'm stuck! Oh, God, you bastard, Eddie! Why do you never flush the toilet? That was fantastic, Richie! We could send it to "Jeremy Beadle's Hilarious Violent Domestic Incidents".
Come on, let's do it again, and this time I'll turn the camera on.
We could make a fortune out of this! - Money? - Yeah, if you really hurt yourself, you can win up to £1,000! - Really? - Everybody loves a near-death experience.
Eddie! I think we may have found our milieu.
- Shall I get a mop? - I'm a genius! We've got a camcorder, we just record an hilarious accident.
- What about an dog? - An dog on an skateboard? An dog on an skateboard that accidentally hangs itself and then catches fire! This is good, Eddie.
This is epic.
This idea is catching fire.
Right! Casting! Casting! Get me some dogs! Casting, get me dogs and some jodhpurs and an eye patch and a casting couch with a nudey bird on it major jugs I mean, MAJOR jugs No! Scratch! Eddie, I've got it! It HAS to be a wedding! We've gotta move with the market.
It's the '80s.
Right.
I need to find a bird, marry her, suddenly have friends for the reception, then suddenly, at the dance afterwards - bam! - Someone accidentally falls over! Or you could accidentally catch a dart in your head.
- You may have something there, Eddie.
- Yeah, I think it's syphilis.
Everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they? That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers! - I mean, toddlers falling off trikes.
- Pah! This is the real stuff.
The cutting edge of family video accidents.
Let's do it! Just another ordinary day in my kitchen.
I hope to goodness gracious me no viciously hilarious accidents happen.
- Oh, Marjorie? - Yes, dear? Cut! Cut! Cut! The dart's in the eye! - Yeah, I can see that! - That's not funny.
That's just an accident! Reset to go again, everyone.
Oh, I'm the only one here.
Oh, all right.
I'll do it all myself.
Oh, God! Now catch it in your forehead, darling.
You're not indispensable, you know? Go again! Right, here we go.
This is the BAFTA.
Try and enjoy it, Eddie.
And action.
# La-la-la-la-la-la-la # Just another ordinary day in my kitchen except I've lost the sight in one eye.
I hope to goodness gracious nothing horribly amusing happens today.
Oh, Marjorie? Yes, dear? Come along! Come along! Oh! Drat! Those pesky kids! Oh, dear! I feel all dizzy now.
I hope I don't fall into this frying pan full of hot burning fat.
Oh, bollocks.
I'm all inflammable now.
Matches? Matches? Come on, Eddie.
We're losing the audience.
Oh, no.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
Genius! Now the window! Oh, God.
Someone's left the window open.
No, someone hasn't.
Well, I still hope I don't fall out of it.
- How was it, then? - Eddie You were fabulous! Just, just, just, just, just, just Just astonishing! I mean, I cried.
- YOU cried? - Yeah.
I cried when I realised we hadn't put the tape in.
The tape wasn't in the camera? ish.
Does that mean there's a sort of problem with the recording? - We will have to go again.
- What? Back to Casualty? You are a funny guy! - Now, come on, darling.
Time is money.
- I've retired.
Back on your feet, ducky! A blank tape's no good to me Wait a minute! That's it! That's the joke! No one's tried that before! "Dear Beadle, I was filming my wife accidentally "sewing her head to the curtains, when suddenly, joke on joke, "I realised I hadn't put the tape in the camera! "Take a look at this blank cassette.
I think you'll agree hilarity prevails! "Please make the cheque out to Richard Richard.
" It's brilliant! Eddie, we'd better make sure it's blank.
- Oh, no! We haven't got a video! - Don't be stupid, Richie.
I picked up 17 this morning.
There's 43 in the attic.
Fantastic! Can you wire them up? You betcha, matey! Step to one side.
Seems ages since the carnival.
Yeah, must be about a week now.
How's the video coming along? Almost unwrapped.
Oh.
Another wire.
Mmm a white one.
# Over the hills we go, laughing all the way # Hey, Rich! That's it! She's ready to go! Oh, marvellous! At last! - Now, installation instructions.
- What?! Number one # He rattled his maracas close to me # - Hi, Eddie! - Oh, hiya, Rich! - How was your holiday? - Oh, it was marvellous! Glad to be back.
The carnival starts tomorrow.
- How's the video going? - Well, your timing's impeccable, because I only have to connect the SCAR socket up to the LAN connector like so and She's ready inside a year! Sterling work, Eddie.
Come on.
Let's fire her up! Thanks, Mr Repair Man.
Crate of Malibu for cash? - That'll do nicely.
- And, er watch out for the top step! - Gets them every time! - Yeah! Give me five, Eddie! Yeah, they're great, these American things.
Right! All set.
Slap in the cassette and check it's blank.
This is it, Eddie.
We'll be frolicking in vodka-flavoured clover from here on in.
There you go.
Completely blan Hey, hang on.
What's that? It's a room.
I don't recognise that.
- It's not in our house, is it? - Hold up.
Who's that coming in? It's the Prime Minister! Stand up, Eddie, for God's sake! Salute! That's enough of that.
Good afternoon, sir.
Eddie, put a doily on the telly or something, for Christ's sake! Sorry, sir.
Carry on.
Is, er Is that his bedroom, do you think? Oh, very much so, I believe, yes.
This is obviously an informal walk about the prime ministerial private apartments.
Well, it's very informal, isn't it? He's taking his shirt off now! Yes, well The Prime Minster's nipples.
It's a great honour, sir.
- It's obviously very hot.
- He's obviously got a hot todger, as well.
Hang on.
Who's she? Oh, that must be his mummy.
Yes, it's obviously the Prime Minister's bedtime.
Oh, I see.
That is very unusual behaviour, isn't it? Maybe she's just chaining him to the bed in case he falls off.
Yes, yes, yes, that must be it.
Look.
She's very hot, too.
Look.
She's taking her dress off.
Oh, look! She's brought him a little present! What is that? A sort of model of a moon rocket, isn't it? Whoa! - What did she stick it in there for?! - Maybe she's taking his temperature.
Yes, that must be it.
Yes, yes.
He's obviously ill, yes.
- Well, that would be why he's so hot.
- Yes! Yes, of course.
I mean, look at the poor little mite, he's groaning and thrashing around the place.
He's obviously got a very high fever and that's why she's sucking the poison out of him.
I wish I had a mum like that.
Yeah, that's right! Thrash the fever out of him! He's saying something, Eddie.
Turn the sound up.
- I think it's mute.
- You can lipread.
What's he saying? "Oh, yes.
"Oh, yes! "Oh, yes! "Oh, yes! "Oh! Oh! Oh! YES! "OH, YES! "OH, YEEEES!! "Aaah.
" Oh, yes.
He's calmed down a bit now.
Hang on.
Who's she? That must be his auntie.
She's very friendly, isn't she? - I think they must be sisters.
- Yes, that'll be it.
- Don't sit there! - She can't have seen him! He'll suffocate! I can't think that that's hygienic.
- Eddie? - Yeah? Is it just me, or do you sense a slight sexual undercurrent to this? You don't suppose that what we're witnessing here is Prime Minister's perving about in a career-threatening once-in-a-lifetime blackmailing opportunity for two wily old desperadoes like us time? - Where's the phone? - Stand back! Hello! Get me the Prime Minister! Because I want to blackmail him Richard Richard Ooh, shit! I accidentally gave my name away.
You'll have to phone using an assumed name.
Right you are.
Yes, hello.
I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister.
Er, Richard Richard.
You stupid idiot, Eddie! You bloody fool! - They'll be on to us now! - Oh, don't talk bollocks, Richie! It'll take them weeks to find us! Hello? It's the police! Yes? They say we're surrounded by the SAS.
It's a siege! - We've got to think fast! - Well, that's us knackered, then, isn't it? - Yeah, well, should we give in now? - Oh! No! Sandwiches! It's a siege, right? We could eat like kings! Good thinking, Eddie.
Leave this to me.
Hello? What kind of sandwiches do you do? Sandwiches! They say they don't do sandwiches, they're a highly-trained anti-terrorist organisation.
Well, they're talking to the wrong bloke! I want three egg, two crab paste and one avocado and black pudding with ketchup and a can of Tizer! Let's start getting heavy! Did you get all that? - Yeah? Yeah Yeah Hah! - What does he say? Throw out the cassette or he'll kill us immediately.
All right.
Well, let's start negotiating downwards.
What about Ritz crackers, Twiglets, those cheesy things? OK, leave it to me, Eddie.
Hello.
We take your point on the sandwiches.
What's your position on canapés? Oh.
Oh, damn.
I suppose a helicopter's out of the question, is it? Oh, what about a nudey evening with Carol Barnes, the popular newsreader? Look! Half a Curly-Wurly and a packet of Love Hearts is me final offer! Circumstances can change awfully quickly these days, can't they? Well, this is the '70s, after all, Eddie.
Ooh! Hello? 4444444? It's them again! Yes, hello, the colander.
Yes, we got your hint.
Eddie, throw down the video.
Right you are.
- What does he say? - He says"Ow! Go, A-Squad.
" - "Go, A-Squad"?! - "Go, A-Squad"! Oh, shit!