Brooklyn Nine-Nine s03e06 Episode Script

Falcon one, do we have a go? The light is green, tiger one.
What are you gonna say when you crash through the window? Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
Goose bumps, Jake.
Goose bumps.
- Is the equipment secure? - Check.
- Weapon loaded? - Check.
Did you have breakfast? What? That's not on the checklist.
I added it because I care about you.
- No, I did not have breakfast.
- Unacceptable.
Look in your pocket.
Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.
All right, bar digested.
Mission go.
- NYPD! - Stay where you are! Hands in the air where I can see 'em! Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
Was it cool? It felt really cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Pretty cool? What went wrong? - Nothing.
- You have fudge on cheek.
Oh, from the breakfast bar, Boyle! So I smash through the window, feet first.
There's glass everywhere, and I say, "Hey, there, sorry for dropping in.
" - Ho! - Whoa.
And the best part is, there was nothing on my cheek.
That's a weird detail to throw in there.
You're a weird detail to throw in there.
- Hmm? What? - Wait a second, Peralta.
You busted through a window for no reason? Basic police tactic, Sarge.
Cover every exit.
It was a sealed window on the fifth floor.
You could have just gone in the door with Charles.
Yeah, but then what would my catchphrase have been? "Knock, knock, who's there? Justice"? Ooh, that's actually amazing.
- Charles, write that down.
- Already did.
Sarge, what's the big deal? We stopped two kilos of heroin from hitting the streets.
Who cares about one broken window? I do! I'm the one who has to spend all weekend doing paperwork because of your dumb stunt.
But Terry loves paperwork? - No, Jake, I do not.
- Oh.
Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife.
I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
Sports bloopers? They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.
Okay, well, I went through a window.
That's a blooper of sorts, right? No! It's not a blooper if you meant to do it! Thanks for ruining my weekend.
This is a debacle.
Oh, man.
Sarge is pissed.
What are we gonna do, Jake? Don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.
We just have to turn this debacle into a straight-up "bacle.
" Guess I should be getting back.
Uncle Ray, thank you for loaning me you best detective for lunch.
My pleasure.
Of course, she is entitled to 45 minutes as per her union contract.
Okay, well, great to see you.
Bye, baby.
A minute, Detective Diaz.
What's going on with you and Marcus? What are you talking about? Your shoulders tightened when he said "baby.
" Your nostrils flared when I asked what was going on with the two of you.
And you have saag paneer on your sleeve, which, given your aversion to Indian cuisine, suggests you let him choose the restaurant.
Why would you do that? - Kindness.
- Pity.
You're about to break up with him.
- Damn, you are good.
- Mm-hmm.
Things aren't working out.
I don't want to talk about it.
I regret the words we've already spoken.
Listen, I know I probably shouldn't get involved, but Marcus is my nephew, and I hope you'll let him down gently.
Don't worry.
I don't want things to be awkward.
I'm gonna send him a text while he's sleeping that says, "We're done.
" Clear.
Accurate.
But do you feel like it's enough? "We're done.
Good-bye.
" Yes.
That should do it.
What's going on, Peralta? Charles says you're going to make me happier than I was on my wedding night.
Well, that's not how I would have put it, but I know you were mad at me for ruining blooper time, so I did all your paperwork.
That's not helpful.
You always make a thousand mistakes.
Mm-hmm, that's what Amy said as well right before she took over for me, so it's perfect.
Okay.
Hey, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
And I spoke with Sharon.
I spoke with Captain Holt.
And we all agree that you deserve a break.
So this weekend, Charles and I are taking you to the great outdoors to Detective Lohank's cabin.
Boom.
Suck it, wedding night.
Lohank? That sad sack? All he does is talk about his wife sleeping with other men.
No, he also has some great stories about his prostate cancer.
Besides, he's not sticking around.
It's just the three of us.
Those woods are full of ticks.
It's Lyme disease central.
So we'll get some bug spray.
Plus that cabin's probably covered in black mold.
- Racist.
- You know what? I am gonna stay home and have a blooper bath.
Oh, come on, Sarge.
It's gonna be fun.
You remember fun, right? What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
It's just I planned this awesome guys' weekend for us, and all you can think about is Lyme disease.
Untrue.
I'm thinking about all tick-borne diseases anaplasmosis, tularemia, Rocky Mountain spotted fever.
You know, maybe I could just chill out a little.
Yes.
You're stressed.
A little fun would do you good, I promise.
You know what? You're right.
You all better get ready for fun Terry.
Ooh, fun Terry.
He sounds fun.
Oh, he's crazy.
Thanks for planning this, Jake.
No, thank you for being amazing and also for driving us up to the cabin.
My car's in the shop, and riding in Charles's is like sitting inside of a dog's behonkus.
Fun Terry.
Can't wait.
Hey, Gina.
Would you do me a favor? Yes, thank you for asking.
I did not feel like doing this work right now.
Oh, those look like important papers.
What's up? How can I help? Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers.
This clip and I went all around the world together the Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia.
But never to a friend's house, huh? Uncalled for.
Anyway, I realized that this could be really helpful for police work, so I made an appointment with the head of NYPD purchasing.
I have to sell him on it, but I'm afraid I might come across a little boring.
Amy, are you asking me to "She's All That" you? I didn't read that.
But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes.
Please "She's All That" me.
Okay.
But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way, all right? First I'm going to need to break you down to nothing and then build you back up piece by piece.
Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
Well, we'll just break you down to nothing and see what time it is.
Mmm! What is that smell? That is the absence of urine.
You got to leave Brooklyn to get that.
No urine I could get used to this.
Oh, yes.
And that's just the beginning, my friend.
Just wait till you're sitting fireside, sipping on a premium Chinese Scotch, and smoking a sweet Rwandan cigar.
Okay.
Okay.
I probably could have done without the countries of origin, but that sounds great.
- Yeah.
- What else do you have planned? Oh, so much.
I'm talking fishing.
I'm talking poker.
I'm talking Frisbee.
Boyle, what else am I talking? Wildflower picking so we can make our own cologne.
Nope, I was talking bonfires and s'mores, but that's my fault for throwing to you.
This is going to be fun as hell.
This is going to be the best weekend ever! Welcome to Stink Puddle Manor.
Stink Puddle? Manor.
Just out of curiosity, why would you name your house Stink Puddle? Oh, I didn't.
The home inspector came up with it.
I can't smell anything since the radiation therapy.
Another great story, eh? So there's no power, no heat.
Is there running water? Of course there's running water.
Oh, but I wouldn't use it.
It's very contaminated.
We had three dogs die in the well.
Three? If they weren't all tied together, we might have just lost the one.
Sad thing is, they were therapy dogs for my son.
Oh.
He had real abandonment issues after my wife left.
It was kind of like an emotional scar on an emotional scar.
But the woods are super nice, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Gorgeous.
Except during sinkhole season.
When's sinkhole season? It's been going on for, like, 20 years now.
It's kind of like a "Game of Thrones" winter.
Right.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'll leave you guys to it.
Have fun.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
For instance, drink the water or let your wife go on work trips.
Duly noted.
You wanted to see me? I told Kevin about how I approved of your strategy for breaking up with Marcus, and he said that we were "sociopaths.
" So you're gonna leave him? No, I think he may have a point.
You might need to do more than simply text.
A long, drawn-out breakup is just gonna end in a big scene and Marcus crying.
He has so many emotions.
It's just so beautiful how much they love each other.
It's a commercial for a refrigerator.
Yes, it is daunting.
But I did some research on amicable breakups.
I visited - Do you know that site? - No.
Well, apparently, it's less painful if you acknowledge the dumpee's feelings.
- Ew.
- But don't worry.
We'll practice.
Hmm? I'll be Marcus.
Go.
Marcus, I think we should break up.
That makes me feel sad.
I am sad.
Your sadness is noted.
I feel acknowledged.
Thank you for breaking up with me.
It will take me eight minutes to collect my things.
I think that went very well.
Hmm.
Okay, creek.
I'd like three fresh trout to go, please.
It just went straight up.
Now it's coming down.
Oh, boy! Watch and learn, losers.
Yah! - I didn't see where it went.
- Back of my neck.
It's in the back of my neck.
Okay, I've learned from your mistakes.
Not too hard, late release, and That was fun.
Fishing was fun.
- Yeah.
- Back to the cabin? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Before we get into your pitch, what are you calling the product? The Handless Lighting System, or HLS.
Sounds like a genetic disorder.
How's about Shoulder Nova? I love it.
Amazing.
It's perfect.
Now let's talk presentation.
What's your opener? Hi, I'm Amy Santiago, and my product will make a real difference.
It is the Shoulder Nova.
My only note is, make it Very good note.
Yeah.
Okay.
I got it.
Mm Ding.
Oh, hello.
I'm Amy Santiago.
Was that captivating enough? Weirdly, it might have been a scooch too captivating.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Mm-kay? You can take a seat.
Okay.
Until this moment, there was only darkness.
But now there is light.
I am Vanessa Santiago, and I'm about to blow your minds.
You want me to change my name to Vanessa? Desperately.
I got to say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible scotch.
They certainly do.
Ugh, it's bad.
Gets you drunk, though.
Well, I found all the worms.
They're eating a fox corpse in the outhouse.
Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry.
- What's for dinner? - Dinner? Yes, of course.
Dinner.
Did you not pack any food? There's fresh fox.
Oh, it is not fresh.
Are you serious? We stopped three times on the way up here to buy fireworks, and you never thought to get groceries? What was in those coolers? The fireworks.
Look, I thought we would be incredible at fishing.
Excuse me for believing in us.
It'll be okay, guys.
No need to worry.
I was voted Mr.
Fungus.
Aha, Mr.
Fungus to the rescue.
See, Sarge, everything's going to work out, and you don't have to stress all the time.
Boyle, you really think you can find us dinner? Um, let's just say Something bad happened to Charles, didn't it? Big time.
Oh God, what if the last thing we ever heard him say was "spore-gasbord?" Charles! Charles! Relax.
If anybody can handle it out here, it's Charles.
He saw "Into the Woods" ten times in the theater.
Watch it.
That's poison ivy.
Whoa.
Good call.
I'm allergic to poison ivy.
making out in the woods with Liz Almont.
Okay, fine.
We weren't making out.
I was looking for my inhaler.
And it wasn't sports camp.
It was asthma camp.
Hey, Jake.
Are we lost? We're on an "adventure.
" Right, Fun Terry? Fun Terry's gone.
He starved to death an hour ago.
This is Original Terry.
That's the worst Terry.
You didn't bring a map or a flashlight or anything that could keep us from getting lost? Yes, I brought all of those things.
It's called a cell phone.
An app that makes me sound like T-Pain.
Nope, the battery's dead.
Now it's just a brick.
But don't freak out.
I don't need an app to sound like T-Pain, right? We're totally lost Yeah, that was a little more Kermit, but Oh, you're back.
How did the breakup go? I tried to acknowledge his feelings.
It wasn't easy.
There were a lot of them.
I'm just so confused.
So sad.
Are you climbing out the window? No.
I climbed back in, and we talked about emotions for 20 minutes.
- Dear God.
- I know.
But I think it went well.
At least there was no crying.
Well done, Diaz.
I'm actually really glad you made me do it this way.
I got to tell him that even though it was ending, it was incredibly meaningful to me, and I'm gonna miss him.
Oh, no.
This is exactly what I didn't want.
You crying? Oof! I deserved that.
Charles is dead, and we're next.
All right, don't be so melodramatic.
He's probably chewing on bark and berries, having the time of his life, safe and sound.
Terry! Jake! Ho, ho! What's that I hear? Charles Boyle, safe and sound? What are you saying, Charles? That you're having the time of your life? I fell in a sinkhole, and I'm badly hurt! Damn it! Boyle, what the hell? I know.
It's a pretty big hole, right? How'd you end up down there? I spotted a gorgeous chanterelle.
I reached for it, but then I rolled my ankle and fell in.
All right, buddy, don't worry.
We got you, okay? I was so scared, you guys.
A psychic told me I was gonna die alone in a pit, and I kept telling myself, "This is a hole, not a pit.
This is a hole, not a pit.
"This is a hole, not a pit.
"This is a hole, not a pit.
Charles, it's a hole, not a pit.
" All right.
Here, grab me.
Take my hand, all right? Okay.
Okay, now pull us up, Terry.
Oh crap, I'm slipping! No, it's Lohank's dogs all over again! So in conclusion, by eliminating flashlight fumbling, the Shoulder Nova could save the average police officer over 13,000 seconds.
Wow, that sounds like a lot, Vanessa.
It is.
I guess there's only one thing left to do.
You have the right to remain Uhh! Well lit! Wow, that presentation was terrific.
So fun to watch.
Thank you, sir.
See, the problem is the product.
I just don't see any need for it at all.
I just put the flashlight in my mouth when my hands are full.
Sir, the human mouth is nasty.
Yeah, but mouths are free.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested.
Okay.
Thank you for your time.
You are scum.
This isn't working.
- Great trip, Jake.
- Oh, thanks, man.
You know that was sarcastic! How? You didn't bring food or water or ask if Lohank's cabin was straight out of a horror movie.
Now you got us trapped in a pit! Hole.
Okay, I know that things are not looking great right now, but you have to admit, you were having fun earlier.
I'm not now.
I'm more stressed than ever.
Maybe that's 'cause you're just focusing on the negative, Ter-bear.
I mean, look at Charles.
He's chill.
I'm chill.
That's 'cause he's in shock! You know what? The reason you're so chill is because you have everyone cleaning up your messes for you.
Didn't bring food? Charles will find mushrooms.
Smashed through a window? Terry'll do the paperwork.
Hey, I did the paperwork.
No, Amy did it! Oh, guys, please, please calm down.
I hate it when you argue.
It reminds of when my dad used to fight with my best friend my mom.
I'm done with this.
I'm going to sleep.
Charles, spoon with me.
We need to huddle together for warmth.
No, Charles, you're my best friend.
You're going to spoon with me.
I called first spoon.
Charles, get over here right now.
Boyle, don't throw away a lifelong friendship for a one-night spoon with Terry.
Okay, enough.
We're gonna stop fighting.
We're gonna lie down, and we're gonna triple-spoon like grown-ups! Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
There, okay.
See, that's better, right? So do we know any songs? Shut up, Charles! Jake? Where's Jake? Did you eat him, Terry? No! Good morning, guys! How'd you get out of the pit? Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.
Actually, it took me hours.
I tied all my clothes together, tethered them to a log, and used it as a grappling hook.
Managed to snag it in a root.
Aren't you freezing? Not at all.
Mainly because my skin is on fire from all the poison ivy in this tree.
Why'd you do that? Oh, let me guess.
Dumb mistake.
No, dumb choice.
I didn't want to sit around and wait for somebody to clean up my mess.
Hmm, I guess I got through to you.
Yeah.
Also, after you fell asleep, Boyle really laid into me.
It was brutal.
I got to say, Jake, this time, I think you're only 99% right.
- We're rolling.
- No! Argh! Well, can you see anything from up there? Yes, I can Stink Puddle Manor, about 65 trees sunward.
Man, one day in the woods, and I'm freakin' Lewis and Clark up here.
Thank you for coming, Diaz.
I want to apologize for yesterday.
Inserting myself into my employee's breakup with my nephew somehow, uh, backfired.
It's not your fault.
I'm the one that made a scene like a dumb, crying baby.
I'm considering having my tear ducts melted shut.
It's not the end of the world to feel things.
I guess not.
It's up there.
The thing is, I really care about Marcus, but he wanted to get married, and I'm just not ready for that.
And if I'm not ready with a guy as great as Marcus, then what if I'm never ready? What if that was it, my one chance at love? What if I never get a second chance? I don't know.
I'm just I'm just sad.
Well, I understand.
It must be very difficult.
Wait, are you crying? Yes.
Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.
Thank you for acknowledging mine.
We're both great at this.
Hey, sport.
You look a little D in the D.
D for "down in dumps," respectively.
Probably easier to just not abbreviate if you have to explain it.
Agree to D.
I wanted to talk to you about yesterday.
Yeah, thank you for all your help with the presentation.
And I'm sorry you had to waste your talent on such a stupid product.
Without product makers like you, us dazzle-doves wouldn't have nothing to shake our wings over.
Yeah, but my invention was useless.
No, that scum was wrong.
I showed the Shoulder Nova to a girl in my building.
She's like a mini Amy, and she loved it.
She said she was gonna break the world record for speed-reading.
Psh! Yeah.
Like some little girl's gonna take down Yuri Jurgonav.
Anyway, I know it wasn't what you wanted, but you still made a difference.
Thanks, Gina.
I guess I did make a D.
- Don't steal my thing.
- Okay.
- That's all I ask.
- I won't.
Hey, Sarge.
Why'd you want us to meet you out here? To thank you guys for the weekend.
Really? It was a total disaster.
Not a total disaster.
None of us got sick from that dog water.
- You drank that? - No.
Look, Jake, you were right.
I have kind of forgotten how to have fun.
I'm going to try to work on that, so The fireworks you made me surrender when we reentered New York! Uh-huh.
Fun Terry's back.
We're gonna set 'em off in a big pile, all at once.
By shooting our guns at them? - What? No.
- No.
We're going to set 'em off like normal people.
Oh.
That's good too.
Ooh.
Here we go.
Whoo-hoo! See how fun this is? Original Terry would have been worried that we're standing too close and need safety goggles, and he would have been absolutely right.
We're way too close.
Run!