Cougar Town s03e06 Episode Script

You know what sucks about getting married to you? I can't think of a thing.
I can think of so many things.
You were such a ho-bag, that I-I always feel like I'm 50 feet away from some young hoochie you slept with.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, girls! It's Grayson! Gray-gray?! Oh my God! I hardly recognized you outside the club.
Oh.
Break it down.
Dancing on the bar.
- Whoop, whoop.
- Yeah.
In the club, yeah, baby, take it down whoop what are we doing? Holly, this is my fiancee Jules and her scary, judgmental friend.
- Hi.
- Blech.
Oh, he and I used to hook up, like, really hard.
Awesome.
We should really catch up.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, did I leave anything at your place? Your dignity.
Any time girls left stuff, I just put it in here.
Wait.
You have a lost-and-found bang box? That's disgusting.
Dibs on these sunglasses.
Yeah, I am totally taking these scrunchies and this brownie pan.
Yeah, she gave me treats And made me brownies.
There are a lot of crosses, considering all these girls gave it up for a dumb bartender.
These are antipsychotic drugs.
I should probably get those back to her before she gets all "Aah! Gonna go around with a kni" What the This is my bra.
Oh, right.
I always forget that we hooked up.
- Look, it was not the worst sex of my life, but - Sweetie? Save that for my wedding toast.
Duly noted.
Look, I don't mind helping you put your wet suit on every day.
Well okay, I do.
I mean, it's weird you don't wear anything underneath.
That's how I roll, dude.
Please don't go surfing.
I miss our morning time.
Baby, you should stay home and ride these waves.
You sleep with that.
I sleep near that.
I surf 'cause I need some alone time.
This little cul-de-sac crew does everything together.
That's not true.
Yesterday, I took a shower without talking to you on speakerphone.
And? It was horrible.
Meh.
Oh, Gray-gray, we should head out soon.
We are not married, but we have to go to marriage counseling? Why? 'Cause I love me some therapy.
I'm good at it.
Paying other people to listen to your problems? Uh-huh.
You know, marriage counseling before marriage does feel a little backwards.
I don't want to enter into this with any baggage.
My last marriage didn't have a chance.
I was pregnant, I dropped out of school, Bobby was sleeping with Kathy Valero, our weather lady.
From News Channel 7? I know.
How cool is that? News on 7 We got the news He skipped my birthday to go have sex with her.
No way! E-street? Let's hang, girl.
Ellie? I want to start our marriage baggage-free, but, uh, this one here's got a bang box.
You know what I think look, that part of my life is over.
Can we just please move on? Well, I'm not sure we're ready to move on.
Okay.
We can move on.
Did you just signal her? That's what happens when you miss the first appointment, you know.
People bond.
Seems fair.
So, Grayson, you want kids, and what about you, Jules? Well, I did say that I would go on any adventure with him, but not all adventures are things you're necessarily dying to do.
I mean, for instance, um, being kidnapped that's an adventure.
Eating raw chicken.
You don't get credit for saying you'll have a kid if you're gonna constantly make me feel guilty about it.
I agree.
Because I have to, Jules.
He brings up a good point.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm I'm just I'm scared.
I'm totally on board with you, okay? I love you.
Mm.
Aw.
You guys are making me miss my husband.
He killed himself.
So we got another wow What else? What else we got? I love that you're having people sign your helmet.
Hmm.
So what brings you to the Phallus Palace? That would be such a good name for a gay bar.
Then we shall find a new house name.
I miss hanging out with you.
Come on.
I don't have anyone to flirt with.
Let me take you out to Louie.
It's my new word for "lunch.
" Aw, thanks for the invite, but I think I'm gonna ride out my last week of humiliation here in the Nut Hut.
- Nope.
- Yeah, that's worse.
I'm just tired of being mocked every time I go outside, and our weird neighbor keeps shooting these suction cup darts at my helmet.
I think he's got, like, a crush on me or something.
Rain check, okay? Yeah, okay.
All right, buddy.
All right, go.
Dude! I don't roll that way! I haven't seen you catch a wave yet, Ellie.
What gives? I don't actually ride the waves.
I just sit here.
I'm a wave-sitter.
Well, that makes less sense than nonalcoholic beer Or soccer.
I love it, and until you showed up with your frazzle dazzle, I got to be alone.
Only hard part is getting back to shore, but I have a system.
You want me to teach you how to surf? Yes, please.
No.
Wait.
No, you wait.
Go get it.
Now scram.
I got to talk to Grayson.
Do you think Dr.
Mettler sees us as a good couple? It's hard to know for sure, you know, unless we had her notebook.
Oh, wait.
- I do.
- Ha ha! You stole her notebook? I have never been so attracted to you.
Soul mates.
Mwah.
Check it out.
Oh.
Here we are.
Oh, yeah, look, look, she wrote down "narcissist" but doesn't say which one of us she meant.
- It's gotta be me.
- I'm sure it's me.
Oh, she also says we're compatible and have a bright future.
We are baggage-free.
Hey, Gray-gray.
So this is kind of what I wanted to catch up about.
She's yours.
That feels like baggage.
Both have tiny eyes.
It's a baby.
Everything's tiny.
We're screwed.
This is a nightmare.
Oh, hey.
Do you guys have any wasabi almonds? - Actually, yes.
- No.
No snacks until after you explain why you never told me.
Ohh, but I'm so hungry.
Come on, man.
She's starving.
Why am I fighting for her? I don't know.
When we threw down, you were, like, all angry and dark, which was so freakin' hot But it was also a little bit scary, wasn't it? Now you just seem so happy and stable.
Holly? What? No way.
You know her? Yeah, since, like, grade school.
- Mwah.
- Oh, here's my baby girl.
You know her? Tampa's my goddaughter.
My daughter's name is Tampa? You're the father? I think this might be my favorite day ever.
- Really? - Let me have this.
So can you guys take Tampa tonight? 'Cause I need to dance.
Seriously, I don't want to.
I need to.
I'm assuming that when you slept with my fiance, you also slept with other guys as well? Hells yeah, I did.
Okay, well, I think we should take a paternity test, you know, just for fun.
Man, I can't believe Grayson knocked that girl up.
I don't think that baby's his.
Have you seen how tight his jeans are? He's definitely firing blanks.
I'll get more wax.
Break it down, sister.
Bobby.
Teaching Ellie anything is a bad idea.
I tried showing her how to text a picture.
She cell-phone-whipped me.
I still don't have peripheral vision.
Wow.
He should not be driving.
She's the unteachable woman.
Oh, I'll be fine, little buddy.
Your refrigerator is filled with nothing but beer and churros.
Yeah, I just went shopping.
All right, pal.
Time to leave.
Surf school's a-startin'.
Well, this sucks.
No one wants me around today.
Today? How come Angie gets to stay? Oh, I occasionally let him touch my boobs.
Well, I'll let you do that.
Wow.
Hit the bricks.
Oh, cool.
You're reading "Hamlet.
" You still hate books, huh? Yeah.
I also decided that since you won't go out to Louie with me, I'm just gonna come to you.
Hey, bro? There is no music in the world that will match what your body is doing.
I'm learning how to step dance since I'm joining Omega Beta Theta.
Why are you joining The Black Frat? Sig has always considered himself black-adjacent.
Well, I could teach you how to step.
Yeah, I have watched "Stomp The Yard," like, one million times.
There's a scene 72 minutes in where it's just all of these ripped, hot, black dancers, and they're running up this mountain shirtless.
When I'm not talking, that scene is what I'm thinking about.
Okay.
So you kind of can't practice without a partner.
Travis, get up.
Man.
There's no dude-on-dude dancing in Wang Town.
The worst one yet.
I'm glad we did the paternity test together.
Thanks, Graymond.
"Graymond"? That's not his name.
It's not a name.
Sure, it is.
There's a friggin' show called "everyone loves Graymond.
" Get her out.
Um, we'll call you when we get the results, okay? Okay.
Hey, once we find out that I'm not the father, which "Maury Povich Show" celebration dance are you gon' do? I'm gonna do the "boob-shimmy, double point-to-God.
" I'm gonna do the finger-'stache-pimp-lip.
What's up? Wasn't me.
Wasn't me.
- You're such a fun couple.
- You better be right.
You better be well, got your test results.
Thanks for using your influence at the hospital to get these so fast.
The head nurse would only give it to me if I beat her at arm wrestling, so I had to steal it.
Here we go.
Okay, wait.
Promise me that no matter what, we're gonna be really mature about this, okay? I promise.
I'm the father.
I'm gonna skedaddle.
All right.
Tenth time's a charm.
Now here comes a wave.
I want you to paddle and pop up.
All right? Paddle and pop up.
Stop saying, "Paddle and pop up"! Last time I tried that, I got a saltwater nose enema.
Problem is you switched your stance.
Your redneck gibberish is even harder to understand than usual.
I'm just trying to help.
"Frime gerst frying to furble-derble"? That's it.
I'm done.
I quit anyway.
See ya, brah.
Huh! Trav.
Honey, you actually have some moves.
Two summers of preteen dance camp with my moms.
What up? Oh, no.
Did you just try to make that sound cool? I did, and I regret it.
With you next to me, I think I can do this.
All the guys know you already.
Do it with me.
I'm sorry, bro, but not gonna happen.
I'm gonna die up there, man.
Let me handle this, okay? Trav has had a crush on me forever.
The boy has literally never said no to me.
Put your earbuds in so I can talk to him.
Come on.
Ohh.
I don't give a crap about Sig Song hasn't started yet.
Yeah, you'll be fine.
But I think it'd be really cool to see you dance.
Pretty please, Travis? For me? No.
Huah! Big Carl is a miracle worker, but I don't think he can fix this.
No, no.
Let him try.
Sitting there, all depressed, you look so beautiful.
Why don't we go upstairs and make a baby that's even better than my other baby? Are you kidding? Yes But we're not ready to joke, and I know that now.
Haven't you heard of birth control? She said she had it covered.
She probably meant she would jump up and down after.
Look, Jules, I need to know that we can get through this You know, that this isn't a deal-breaker.
Is it? I don't know.
Look, I know this happened before you and I were even dating, but does that mean I can't be mad at him for messing up our life? Let me ask you one question.
Who's he? Andy Torres.
How you doing? I thought I would practice with him before I bring in my real fiance.
I'm just happy someone wants me around.
Now why do you feel like no one wants you around? Well, since I was a kid it's not about you.
No, Jules, childhood issues are very important.
For instance, when I was a little girl, - the neighborhood - It's not about you, either, Lynn.
This is my hour.
Now pretend to be Grayson.
Lover, you got to accept that this baby is a reality.
Yeah, but no "yeah, buts," you selfish jerk.
I love what you're doing.
Pull it back a little.
Sorry, but you know how badly I wanted a child, and now I have one, but thanks to your "no baggage" policy, I'm not even allowed to be happy.
He's not doing it right.
No, no, fake Grayson has made a really good point.
Look, you can't change what's happened.
All you can do is decide whether or not you can live with it.
Don't you quit on me, girl.
What are you doing? I don't know.
E-train, I am glad to be done as your teacher.
Bye, new girlfriend.
I'm sorry you have to sleep with him.
Oh, it's all right.
He's good at it.
Andy is right.
She is unteachable.
She just has her walls up.
Reminds me of when I taught high school.
There was this one gangbanger named shadow.
He used to leave dead rats in my car Did he put 'em in there dead, or were they alive at first and then they died from the heat? It's not really a big part of the story.
Well, he couldn't have cracked the window.
They would have just gotten away.
You know, a rat could sneak through a space this tiny.
If it's cool with you, I'll just get back to my point.
Shadow tried to scare me off, but I never gave up on him.
Ellie's your shadow.
You just have to let her know that you'll stick to it no matter what.
Yeah, but Ellie's not a gangbanger.
People nowadays don't think 'bout they ways Don't think before they do, don't think before they say Haphazard with the language and actions Come on.
Let's go cheer Sig on.
Pass.
You really got to get over this thing with books.
What is going on with us? You wouldn't even come to Louie with me yesterday.
I just I don't get it.
Don't blame it on your stupid helmet.
All you non-helmets think it's just so easy.
A year ago, you would have come to lunch with me even if I asked you to wear nothing but a sock on your junk.
I miss the guy that would do anything to see me smile.
It got a little too flirty for me.
There's no such thing.
It's just not as much fun when you get stuck on someone and then you start thinking about 'em all the time even though you know nothing real will ever happen.
Just Makes you feel kind of stupid, you know? Yeah, I get that.
Kind of sucks for me.
It made me feel special, so Sorry.
It's okay.
I'll see you around, Trav.
Oh You should call this place the panty graveyard.
It's perfect.
I'm wave-sitting.
Go away.
Nope.
You're my shadow.
I'm not leaving you.
Why? I just want to be alone.
Hey.
Seriously? What? I missed you.
Ellie.
I need you.
You have got to be kidding.
You're all crazy.
I'm going in.
Well, then, I'm going with you.
Oh.
Uhh! Can we please talk? It's like he took our future into the woods and shot it in the face.
Uh, ma'am? Where did you get those sunglasses? They're probably yours.
You left 'em at Graymond's? Unless you're pregnant, you just can keep on moving.
Keep on moving.
Go.
You're being such a dummy.
Yeah, you promised Graymond you'd have a kid, but you don't want to.
You don't know that.
Maybe I do.
- Then have one.
- I don't want to.
This way, he gets his dream kid, and your 43-year-old egg-maker gets off scot-free.
It's not that simple.
He has a child with someone else.
Oh, like you do? Stupid logic.
This is hard on him, isn't it? Yeah.
Oh, man.
It's exhausting thinking of other people's feelings.
I know.
That's why I stopped doing it.
Oh what are you doing here? Time to surf.
- No, no, no! - Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
No! Jules! No! Oh! Travis.
I can't believe you came.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
Where is my helmet? Right here! I said, where is my helmet? Right here! This feels a little rehearsed.
It is.
What can I say? I'll still do anything to see you smile.
Oh.
I said, where is my helmet? Okay, here I come, here I am.
Omega, Beta, Theta! Your helmet has arrived! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! I hope a shark eats your face.
Even if one did, I still wouldn't give up on you.
Really? Nope.
All right.
Here comes a wave.
All right, go! Go! Start paddling! Get in there! Whoo! Yeah! Hi.
Hey.
Holly let you take her? She yelled from the shower that it was fine.
I'm not even sure she knew it was me.
Oh, Tampa's a cutie.
Oh, good God, she's wearing glitter blush.
That's not gonna fly if you're gonna be a part of our family.
You sure you're okay with this? This is perfect.
I get to have a baby without the hassle, the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers.
That's all you, my friend.
Ohh.
You got to have a hit of that.
Mmm.
Come on.
Where are we going? Everyone? Come meet Grayson's daughter.
Hey, girl.
Hey.
I'm a dad.
Bobby and Nelly are in the gang But they hardly ever hang Unless it's when they're hanging ten Because they like to surf, they like to surf Bobby and Nelly they like to surf Bobby and Nelly they like to surf They like to surf Hey, watch them surf Because they like to surf Ah! She just fell down Bobby and Nelly, they like to surf They like to surf Aah! Just watch them surf That shot looks fake But it's still great Because they like to surf They like to surf