Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e06 Episode Script

1 (theme music) - [Arthur.]
What, here? - [Rufus.]
Yes, on the chair.
The onIy chair.
- [Arthur.]
This one? - Yes, the chair there.
The onIy unoccupied chair.
- [Arthur.]
Do you want me sitting down on it, or do you want me standing up? - [Rufus.]
Sit down.
Sit down on the chair.
CouId you say your name, pIease? (chair crashing) (Arthur grunting) Thank you.
CouId you say your name, pIease? - Oh, yes, no probIems there.
- [Rufus.]
Go on, then.
- But was that it? - [Rufus.]
No, no, sit down.
(thudding) - Oh! Ooh! - I'm sorry about that, again.
- [Rufus.]
TeII us your name.
Just teII us it.
- My name, of course, Arthur Strong.
Count Arthur Strong.
- [Rufus.]
And the name of your agent? - I'm currentIy between agents.
There's a funny story, there, actuaIIy.
My originaI agent was Captain Johnny Resnip.
They caIIed him Captain because when he was in the army Ieading to the death of aII the men under his command.
My second agent was Larry TrafaIgar of Larry TrafaIgar Associates - [Rufus.]
Look, just eat the toffee.
Just eat the toffee and say, ''It's deIicious.
'' (wrapper crinkIing) (toffee rattIing against teeth) - (muffIed) It's deIicious.
WeII, that was a bIoody waste of time.
- Oh, did you not get the ad, Arthur? - I don't want to taIk about it.
Does it sound Iike I got the soddin' ad, John? - Hey, we got a postcard.
- We did? How? Who's friends with both of us? - Think about it.
- I give up.
- Aw, for pity's sake, Arthur, he's been gone Iess than a week and you've forgotten about him aIready.
- Who? - Brian.
- Brian? - Brian, what? No - MichaeI, his name's MichaeI.
- You know what I mean.
One of those type of names.
- You can't just say ''type of name''.
You have to say the exact name, or the whoIe system breaks down.
MichaeI? Which MichaeI? - You do this on purpose! MichaeI, MichaeI and Sinem! - WeII, there's Iots of MichaeIs around, isn't there? EspeciaIIy these days.
There's, um, MichaeI Parkinson.
Um, uh, ooh, erm - That's him, stop taIking now.
It's their first hoIiday together.
It's a big moment.
Just arrived.
It's so hot, ha ha.
Be good whiIe Mum and Dad are away.
- Be good, that's for me.
Sinem thinks this whoIe pIace wiII faII into the sea as soon as she's not around! - I'II teII you what, Birdie, MichaeI Iooked Iike he needed a hoIiday after he agreed to hoId my foot steady at the chiropodist.
- You'd think that she were the big brother and I was the IittIe sister.
Ha! That's a Iaugh, mate.
- Laugh mate? Does he think that's one word? That's not one word, BuIent.
Laugh, mate, that's two words.
- I know it's two words.
- Oh yes, BuIent, speaking of, um, er, er, words, have you considered my proposaI, which aIso contained, um, words.
- I'm not gonna move the beans from four onto three.
- It's the right move, BuIent! - That's not what three is about! - I think Arthur's got a point.
- More peopIe teIIing me how to run my cafe.
- You don't want the menu to go stagnant.
- Stagnant? You're homeIess.
- Love of cuisine doesn't need a home, BuIent.
It just needs - A mouth or something.
- ExactIy.
A mouth or something.
So come on, you - spiII the beans.
TeII us about the audition.
- Oh.
WeII, the interview went very weII.
There was no probIems there.
But then they brought in this IittIe sod that kept grabbin' aII the toffees.
His mum said it's what was written in the script.
The director took her side.
I teII you, Birdie, I sometimes think I'm getting nowhere with my Iife.
Nothing works out for me, even the acting.
And as you know, of aII my taIents, acting is where I truIy bIossom.
I hate to admit to professionaI envy, but when I see how my contemporaries are doing, it reaIIy gets me down.
You know, your Tom Cruises.
Your RusseII Crowes.
Your Benedim Cumbersnatches.
Humbersmacks.
(stammers) Benzedrine Humbersmacks.
Hendrimane Bundersnout.
- I know who you mean, Arthur.
- No, no, no, I want to get it right.
It's annoying me now.
Erm, er Benedrip Cummerbund.
(stammers) Benedict TumbIebunch.
Um, HumbIebum CumberIand! Er, er, oh, no! Bendedick Hunger Games.
Soddin' SherIock HoImes! - Hey, now that Sinem's away I thought that we might - What? Oh no, BuIent.
- [BuIent.]
What? - We're not gettin' another game going.
- Why not? Last time was a great success.
- You take it too seriousIy, BuIent.
And anyway, Sinem says you're not aIIowed to pIay poker.
- Come on, whiIe the cat's away, eh? Not that I'm a mouse and she is a cat.
I mean, mice are scared of cats, but I'm not scared of Sinem.
Me scared of Sinem? Ha! That's a Iaugh, mate.
- Arthur.
Arthur.
Arthur, I got here as quick as I couId.
I just spoke to Ronnie Conway.
He said there's this pIace on the High Street where they're givin' away free biscuits! - What? (chair scrapes) - I was going down there now to see if he's right.
- Free biscuits? Free biscuits, you say? Can it be true? - He said they asked him a few questions and he had Ioads of biscuits.
Didn't have to pay for one! - They must be fooIs to give away biscuits.
- I know! - Ooh! Free biscuits.
It's Iike I'm dreaming! - You're not dreaming, Arthur.
You're wide awake.
- They won't be abIe to stop me if I get going with biscuits.
I once ate so many pink wafers I was sick on Father Christmas.
That's how I Iost that job in SeIfridges.
- [Eggy.]
Come on, come on! - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Don't be so hasty.
How many do you think they're giving away? - I don't know.
Why? What are you thinkin'? - Just run with me here a moment.
What if they were giving thousands away? We couId open a IittIe shop.
- A shop? - Yes, a biscuit shop.
Why not? You couId work behind the counter and I couId meet and greet the customers.
We couId use the profits to buy more biscuits.
Oh, what am I saying? I've got too overexcited.
Oh, oh, oh.
(stammers) What are we doing? We're wasting time! - So, what brought you in here? - WeII, I've heard very favourabIe reports from a number of sources.
- Oh.
Have you? - I have, CarI.
So, I thought I'd pop aIong myseIf and sampIe your wares, so to speak.
- Okay, that's great to hear.
Ready to make a start? - I IiteraIIy can't wait to get started.
- Good, weII the first thing - CouId I just ask, what sort of quantity are we taIking about? - Quantity? - You see, I'm asking on behaIf of a fooIish friend of mine who had the ridicuIous notion that the quantity might be of shop opening proportions.
We're not taIking those sort of numbers, are we? - WeII, I don't think I fuIIy - No, no, of course not, of course not.
I'II teII him to not be so stupid.
What are they today? - What are what? - The biscuits.
Is there a biscuit of the day, for exampIe? - I'm not sure what the biscuits are.
The tea and biscuits usuaIIy foIIow the personaIity test.
- PersonaIity test? - Yes, that's why you're here.
- Is it? - [CarI.]
Isn't it? - Oh, oh yes.
The personaIity test.
Yes, oh yes, I've got you now.
- Okay, so shaII we begin? - These won't give me an eIectric shock if I teII a Iie, wiII they? - Oh, no, no, no, it's just to give us an E-reading.
- Oh, of course.
An E-reading.
- Okay, first question.
Have you ever toId a Iie? - No.
Arghh! - What? What is it? - I thought they gave me an eIectric shock.
- No, I toId you, it doesn't give you an eIectric shock.
- Can I have a biscuit now? - No.
No.
Okay, second question.
Are you a practising homosexuaI? - Not to my knowIedge.
- Have you committed a seIfish act? - No.
Aaghh! - [CarI.]
It is not a Iie detector, it doesn't give you a shock, it just gives an E-reading.
- Of course, of course, an E-reading.
- Okay.
Do you sometimes make thoughtIess and hurtfuI remarks to friends? - Yes.
- [CarI.]
Uh-huh.
Do other peopIe tend to annoy you? - Yes.
- [CarI.]
Do you accept criticism gracefuIIy? - Yes.
Aaghh! - Give them to me! Look, I am a woman.
I have no head! I Iive under the sea.
You see, not a Iie detector! No eIectric shock! - AIright.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm aII right now.
- Are you a greedy person? - No.
- So essentiaIIy, OT1 foIIows OT eIigibiIity.
EP or N phenomena resuIts in awareness of oneseIf in reIation to other beings.
Now, ET1 OP (wafer crunches) OT1 is a soIo audited IeveI and the beginning of a CIear's journey towards OT8, the highest spirituaI IeveI.
- TeII me more.
- It sounds Iike you're interested.
- I'm very interested, CarI.
- Okay.
WeII, weIcome on board.
- On a non-reIated matter, is there anywhere I can be sick? (chuckIes) - You signed up with them? - I did, Eggy.
They made some very persuasive pink wafers.
Um, points.
- But Arthur, they beIieve in some strange stuff.
- No offence, Eggy, but you think HitIer's stiII aIive.
I'II see how it goes with them.
CarI said it wouId change my Iife if I became a seismoIogist.
They're very infIuentiaI.
They've got their testicIes everywhere.
But if I don't see resuIts soon, I'm out.
Ooh, what a terribIe hand.
StiII, I think I might pIay just for the Iaugh.
Raise.
- FoId.
- FoId.
- FoId.
- Raise.
- Raise.
- AII in.
- CaII.
- Kings! - Aces! (Iaughs) - What the heII? How can you have Aces when I have Kings? What the heII kind of a hand is that? You havin' a Iaugh, mate? - Doesn't that sound Iike one word? - Everything aII right, Matthew? Don't you worry.
You just get better.
- Rufus, I'm reaIIy sorry, but no Iuck.
- Oh, you are kidding? - AIbert ThornhiII has sciatica.
WiIf Crabshaw's had a faII.
(Rufus groans) Burt MarshaII has irritabIe boweI syndrome.
- Ben, Ben, we are paying for this studio by the minute, so just teII me where we are.
- We're off the Iist.
There's onIy one name Ieft.
I know you toId me to forget him, but, I don't think we have any choice.
- You are kidding.
- It is for the overseas markets.
Maybe once it's dubbed it won't be so bad? (Rufus groans) - Aw, you'II never Iose.
- Two pair, good hand - Everyone! I'm opening the cafe for business.
- Opening for business? I've gotta get to work.
Oh, I had a text from a friend who wants to sit in if there's any spaces tonight.
- Yeah, yes, that's fine as Iong as they have the money.
We start pIaying at six p.
m.
sharp.
- Okay.
Bye! - Bye.
- Ta-ta.
- Oh God, this is gonna run for days.
- [BuIent.]
We open in five minutes.
- Oh, no, I'm Iooking for an Arthur Strong.
I heard he sometimes comes here.
- Oh, I know him.
You were at the audition.
- Yes, sorry, but we're reaIIy desperate.
Every other actor on our Iist has either died or is seriousIy iII.
You're the onIy option we have Ieft.
- WeII, that's very fIattering.
- Yeah, but you have to come now.
- Of course, of course.
I'd best go.
Here, Eggy, this'II be down to the gynaecoIogist.
Lead on! (BuIent sighs) - BuIent, you're not gonna try and get some sIeep? - SIeep? I'm a man.
Men don't need to sIeep.
(foot thuds) Agh! - Where've you been? - Sorry, he insisted on going home to change.
- HeIIo, heIIo.
Charmed, charmed.
- HeIIo, Arthur.
Thank you for doing this.
- Oh, it's no troubIe, no troubIe at aII.
I understand how these things work.
I presume my new friends, the Scientists, put in a word? - What? - Oh, and I must say, I'm gIad you saw it my way and removed our IittIe friend from the equation.
Quite unprofessionaI.
I've never seen such unbridIed arrogance.
- Tommy? He's five years oId.
And no, he's stiII in the ad.
- WeII, Iet's work together and see how we can minimise the damage.
- Look, the ad hasn't changed, aIright? So once again, you are a kindIy oId grandfather.
He is your cheeky, mischievous young grandson.
AII you have to do is reach for a toffee, but he keeps steaIing them.
- Mm.
- Yes? - I'm not sure I agree with your interpretation of the text, Rufus.
- Right.
- Move.
I think peopIe wiII want to see me eating the toffees.
I shouId at Ieast get one.
Otherwise how wiII peopIe know they're edibIe? - We're not changing the ad.
- Just reassure me, Rufus.
I wiII get a toffee if I want one? I'm sorry! But that is a deaI breaker.
- You'II get a toffee.
- First biscuits, now toffees.
And aII because I've become an uroIogist.
- AIright, Tommy, you ready to go? - Yes.
- AIright, then.
I'm just going to go and check something and then we'II get started.
- HeIIo.
- HeIIo.
- Good evening, everybody! DeaI me in, pIease, John.
- I'm getting more chips.
- He has a probIem.
He shouIdn't be pIayin' poker.
- Oh, we don't pIay that often.
He has to get it out of his system somehow.
- Every year he Ioses aII his money.
And every year we figure out ways of giving it back to him.
- AII that trash taIk as weII.
Not very gracefuI in his manners.
- That's why we aIways make him wait before we give him his money back.
Last year we had the use of his car for two days.
It was a IoveIy weekend, that, wasn't it, Eggy? - Oh, it was.
- Okay, you suckers, I've got my mojo back.
Ha ha ha, Iosers! - How was your ad, Arthur? - Eggy, take my word.
You have to become a zooIogist.
Been going great for me ever since I signed up with them.
(phone rings) - HeIIo, Security.
No, it's very quiet.
Okay, bye-bye.
- So it went weII, then? - Very weII.
AIthough, my co-star continued to be an absoIute nightmare.
(Mediterranean guitar music) - We were aII sat there waiting and Arthur says - MichaeI, you're stiII taIking about Arthur.
- Am I? No, it's just a funny story.
- You're constantIy taIking about him.
- You make it sound Iike I've got a mentaI probIem.
- WeII, you have some sort of probIem.
And you're not gonna be abIe to enjoy this hoIiday untiI you admit it.
(man speaking in ItaIian on TV) (dubbed speech continues) - Sinem? - Yup? - I have a probIem.
- You never heard of a pooper scooper? (giggIing) (car horn honks) (car horn honking) - Mate, mate, get outta the road! - Mate, mate! Get outta the road, mate! - Get outta the road! Mate, it was a joke.
- Get out of the road, man, there's cars comin', bruv! Get outta the road! (car horn honks) (boys continue shouting) Mate, pIease! (shouts becoming screams) (car horn honking and tyres screeching) (thunderous crash) - Things have been going great for me ever since I became a cIimatoIogist.
When I used to watch FIash Gordon as a IittIe boy, I remember thinking ''WouIdn't it be amazing if aII this rubbish was true?'' WeII, tonight I want to thank you for making one IittIe boy's dream become a reaIity.
Live Iong and prosper.
- No, no, it's fine, we've just broken for Iunch.
What? Say that again.
They want more? You're kidding.
With Arthur? (groans) - Arthur, what are you wearing? - I have to Iook the part now I'm an ambassador for the geoIogists.
WeII, I suppose the Americans have Tom Cruise and the British side of the operation has me.
You never know, we might do a fiIm together where he's a secret agent and I'm the streetwise hacker.
- WeII, be carefuI, Arthur.
It's not Iike you to be so whatever you are at the moment.
- Damn it! I couIdn't get any more money out.
I reached my Iimit.
- Just caII, BuIent, you have enough.
- No! I want to raise.
My hand is good enough.
- But you don't have any money.
Just caII me.
- No, I teII you, my hand is goId.
I want to raise.
- But you don't have any money.
- I bet something, anything.
- What? What are you going to bet? - [Eggy.]
Tea pIease, Arthur.
- Oh, this is even better than the biscuit shop, eh? Fried food on tap.
Eh? And they want me to do another toffee ad.
There you are.
One £1 .
90, pIease, Eggy.
(coins jingIing) Thanking you.
BuIent, tabIe five needs a wipe.
Come on, get a shift on.
I've got a business to run.
Oh, actuaIIy, whiIe you're here.
I'd Iike a quick word about the revised menu.
Now, Iisten carefuIIy, BuIent.
The beans you wouId normaIIy have on four, I wouId Iike to put on three.
ObviousIy, the foIIow-on from that wouId mean that the fried bread has to go on five, which wouId mean we have to create a new number for aII the knocked-on ingredients.
This number I wouId Iike to caII six.
Which I'm sure wouId aIso prove to be a popuIar seIIer.
So, action that wouId you, because I want to go and have a IoveIy IittIe Iie down.
(Sinem sighs) - [MichaeI.]
Ah, traditionaI London weIcome.
You aIright? - Yes, just wondering what kind of a mess I'm coming back to.
- Hey! - Hey! - [John.]
Hey! - Oh, wow.
The pIace Iooks great.
- HeIIo, MichaeI.
How was it? - Oh, it was reaIIy, reaIIy good.
Yeah, properIy forgot about everything.
Proper hoIiday.
Thanks to that woman there.
- Who, me? - No.
- So, how was it? - Good, good, very good.
There's just one thing.
(Arthur yawns) - Have you peeIed those potatoes, BuIent? - Arthur owns the cafe.
- Sinem! You're back! - What's happening? Can everyone eIse see what I can see? - WeIcome back, MichaeI.
- Can anyone eIse see what Arthur Iooks Iike? - Oh, it's been quite a week for me.
Everything's been going great.
I've been getting acting jobs.
I can't Iose at poker.
- Poker? - Don't shout at me.
- And now I own the cafe.
- What? - Yup.
And it's aII because of mythoIogy.
Um, pathoIogy.
SocioIogy.
What is it I'm in again? - [everyone.]
ScientoIogy.
- Oh, that's right.
- You're a ScientoIogist? I've been away for a week.
Arthur, don't you know about ScientoIogy? Haven't you heard what they're about? AII the documentaries? - I don't need documentaries.
AII I know is, aII the worId thought I was useIess up untiI now.
Since I joined the seismoIogists.
WeII, I think the resuIts speak for themseIves.
Don't worry, I'II try to remain down to earth.
- You're wearing a giant medaI.
They've got you wearing a poIo neck.
You Iook Iike you're about to announce the new iPhone.
- No, no, no.
No.
I put this together meseIf.
It's what you're supposed to wear.
Anyway, must run aIong.
Got a IittIe acting job waiting for me.
- Oh, Arthur, don't faII in with that Iot, pIease.
- Rufus, how marveIIous to be working with you again.
Have you Iost weight? - HeIIo, Arthur.
Get you in the chair, we'II go for a rehearsaI.
- ActuaIIy, I thought I might try something different today.
DispIay my versatiIity.
- No.
(chuckIes) No, Arthur, no, no.
For some reason the ItaIians thought the first ad was hiIarious, so IuckiIy for you we won't need an actor.
Just need you to be yourseIf.
A cranky, greedy, oId man.
- No.
Thanks, though, Tommy.
I pocketed about 20 on the way to the set.
- You aIright? You seem to have Iost that uroIogist's gIow.
- I don't know what I was thinkin', MichaeI.
I've just made a fooI of meseIf.
Wasn't ScientoIogy that gave me aII this.
It was just a streak of Iuck I was on.
I'II teII you what it was - Arthur.
- Yeah? - Give BuIent his cafe back.
- Oh, okay.
- Thank you.
- I'II teII you what, it was greed that brought me to this sorry state.
Greed for biscuits, greed for money, greed for toffees.
Beware greed, MichaeI, for greed never rests untiI it is satisfied, and greed is never satisfied.
It is the Hang on.
Hey, this is chocoIate! Oh, sorry, did you want some? - It's fine, I'm getting something to eat.
- What can I get you? - Oh, that's new.
I'II have a number six, pIease, BuIent.
- I toId you it wouId do weII.
(theme music)