Crashing (US) (2017) s03e06 Episode Script

1 I'm seeing someone.
Someone I met at work.
- Is he your boss? - No, he's right here.
Ted, this is Pete.
Did you tell him about Seth Meyers? - Shit.
- He's so great.
Yeah.
Dreamy.
I'm talking about Seth Myers.
You got You're doing late night? Okay, let's go meet your parents.
Who's this? Remember the weekend that I worked in New Jersey? - She was there.
- Hey.
- And what am I gonna - And you stayed in the same condo? Can we talk about this later? [SOBBING.]
- Hello! - Hi! - I wanna know what you think.
- Well, are you wearing a bra? - Is that your business? - Mom.
It's my business when you're sitting next to me in church.
We're outta here.
We're going.
I'm really sorry, and I love you.
I love you too.
WOMAN [ON TV.]
: The judges were in total agreement as to who should be our star baker.
Kitty, I'm gonna get going.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? Remember? Ali did stand-up on Seth Meyers? Some comics are gonna get together and watch.
Oh, no, I'm so sleepy.
I don't think I can go out tonight.
- [MUMBLES.]
: Sorry.
- That's okay.
It's It's just kinda It's like a comic thing.
Just a me thing.
Oh, I'm not invited? No, of course you're invited.
- You're invited.
- It sounds like I'm not invited.
No, I Kitty, I barely want to go.
I just felt weird, you know, not saying yes.
- Okay.
- I hope it's not You don't still feel weird about Ali and me and the road or No, Pete.
I don't hate Ali.
I just If you're gonna hang out with your ex-girlfriend, I would like to know about it in advance, because that was weird.
If it Yeah.
I don't have to go.
KITTY: No, it sounds like you should go.
It sounds like you wanna go and it'll be fun.
Okay.
- Do you want to come? - Do you want me to come? I want you to come with me if you want to come with me.
Do you If Just, do you want to? Well, I don't want to come if you don't, like, want me to come.
You're invited, yes.
I want you to go if you want to go.
Is it gonna be fun? Yes.
Yeah! I think so.
Just a bunch of comedians in a comedy club talking about comedy, that's fun.
What's more fun than that? - Okay, I'll come.
- Great! - Let me just change.
- Okay.
I'm wopping I'm feeling myself, uh Jazz all in my soul I'm killing, uh Maybe this is a mistake.
- What? - What? This whole party thing just feels really excessive.
- No.
- Right? To, like, do it at The Cellar? We could just watch it at my apartment.
Stop it.
You need to start to learn how to celebrate yourself.
You know, part of being an empowered woman is unapologetically showing the world how much you matter.
- ANAYA: Thank you! - Oh, then I wore that dress! I never wear dresses to do stand-up, and then I suddenly decided that was the move for national television.
Oh, that's what you do! Don't you want to look great when you're on a date with destiny? That's why you'd wear a dress.
How did you know this was happening? I got my sources.
Pete told you? Yeah, he's a satisfied client of mine.
Listen, Ali, everyone is here to support you.
- Come on, this is a big night! - This is your night! It's not that big of a deal, guys, really.
Well, you know, it could be.
With the right help, with the right support system, you could take this and turn it into something big.
You're gonna need somebody on your team, okay? You can't represent yourself.
What if Whitney Houston sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" and nobody told anybody about it? What if Prince did the halftime show at the Super Bowl and nobody ever saw it? Where would we be now? I don't really think managers do as much - as you think managers do.
- But they could.
I could introduce you to Scott Disick.
I just met him at a rave.
- All right.
- [CROWD LAUGHING.]
I had a heart attack in February, and, um, I don't even like the fact that I have to tell people I had a heart attack.
Like, I wish, you know, I'm supposed to be famous, you know, but it's, like, I'm famous but nobody knows.
Like, I'm famous but nobody cares.
That's been my problem.
I'm famous, but I've been famous too many times back and then unfamous and then famous again.
And after a while, people are just over it, unfortunately.
Like, in this neighborhood true story these guys were bringing a couch up a stoop, like, and they recognized me, knew my name, 'cause I'm famous.
Guy goes, "Colin Quinn " he starts dropping his - "Grab the other end for a second.
" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
That's not how you speak to famous people, folks.
You understand? You're supposed to be a little reverent.
Nobody's ever like, "Hey, Rihanna, you got jumper cables?" [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- Is that her? - Yeah.
- She's not mousy! - Shh, don't say that.
- Hi, Ali! Hi! - Oh, my God.
Hey, hi! - So nice to finally meet you.
- So nice to meet you! - It's Kat? - Yes! - Yes, hi.
- Hi! I was worried I was hugging a stranger.
- No, this is Kat.
Hi, hi.
- Hi, hi.
You are Pete.
- Still Pete, yes.
- Yes.
Pete in a hat.
- How did it go? - It was good.
- Good? Great? - Yeah, it was Yeah, I think it was great.
I mean, I don't know.
it was either good or bad, we'll see when it airs.
No, you're a stand-up comedian! Like, that is so crazy! - That is so cool! - Yeah.
- Congrats! - It is crazy.
You had a dream and it came true.
- Oh, well, yeah.
Guess that's - How amazing is that? - That's crazy.
- KITTY: Yeah.
- Um, you guys are tall! - [LAUGHING.]
I'm like craning my neck to look at you.
- Yeah.
- You're both very tall and blonde, - and the half-Jewish part of me is scared.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Don't hurt me.
[LAUGHING.]
- KAT: Ah! - We're very open-minded.
- [LAUGHING.]
: Yeah.
Yeah, well, we don't want to bother you.
What? Oh, hi, hi.
- TED: I got you a drink.
- ALI: Oh, thank you.
Thanks! - Pete.
- PETE: Ted.
- It's Ted.
- Wait, you're so tall.
You were giving us shit about being tall, - but he's so tall.
- ALI: He is.
- What the fuck? - She's, uh, three talls.
Oh, my God.
I'm surrounded.
That's so cute.
I want to say hi to Estee in case she leaves.
- Okay, cool.
- So I'll be right back.
- Cool.
- I'm just gonna get this out of the way.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We'll just hang out.
- Okay, fine.
- Compare notes.
Ninety percent of people that kill really hard, there's something hacky going on.
- JOYELLE: Interesting.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
WIL: If you're killing for an hour, you're hacking? - If you're getting - No.
every moron in the crowd cackling, falling over their set for an hour, I guarantee there's a lot of hack stuff going on in there.
- I disagree.
- Estee, damn it! - [LAUGHING.]
- JOYELLE: Hey! Then all you need just to play the devil's advocate.
Sorry.
Hi, Estee.
I'm Pete.
- Hi.
I know who you are.
- Oh.
Um I just wanted to say hi to everybody.
Wayne.
- Good to see you, brother.
- Good to see you.
Dildo dude with the dumb hat.
- Dildo dude with the dumb hat.
- JOYELLE: Yes! That's my website dot net.
- Take that off.
- Dot com was taken.
WAYNE: This is Colin Quinn, by the way.
- Hey! Really nice to meet you.
- Hey.
Um, some of us, I don't know if you noticed, we're getting together to have a screening party for my friend Ali.
She's doing Seth Meyers tonight.
- Do you know Ali? She's wonderful.
- No.
She's beautiful, she's funny, she's charismatic.
- She's going places.
- She's great, she's great.
Well, I'll be at the bar.
That guy's got little dick energy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- I know the struggle.
Because when my dad first came to America, he used to think the solution from getting deported, just pretend you're not Haitian.
That was his solution if immigration ever come up to you.
"You Haitian?" [HAITIAN ACCENT.]
: "No, you crazy.
- I'm not Haitian.
" - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING.]
"Uh-oh.
"I've been in America five years all my life.
Why you Why you say that? Who Who tell you that?" I'm really proud of you for tonight.
Thanks, Dad.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean it.
Nobody works as hard as you.
It's nice to see it pay off.
It's inspiring.
I'm happy to see that, you know, the good guys win.
Can you do me a favor? If the set sucks, will you just tell me, please? Because, well, Ted's just gonna tell me it's great no matter what because he loves me.
Yeah, it's not gonna suck.
It's gonna be I mean it.
I could go up on stage and vomit and do a curtsey, and Ted would be like, "Awesome closer, babe!" Except, he doesn't call it the closer.
He calls it the finale.
- Like a fireworks display? - Yeah.
I'm gonna start using that.
[CHATTERING, LAUGHING.]
Can you Will you excuse me for just one second? - Oh.
Yeah.
- Sort of worlds colliding.
Okay.
I went shopping for a dress, and so he like came into the dressing room with me.
- Whoa, it's like two naked Big Birds.
- [LAUGHING.]
- That's exactly what it looks like! - MIKE: What? - Hi.
- [HOLLERING, LAUGHING.]
- Hello! - What's going on? I'm just telling them about how we met.
- Not all the details? - MIKE: Not yet! RUSSELL: Not all of them, but some important ones were told.
- Yes.
- PETE: Uh-huh.
RUSSELL: And it was just getting good.
In fact, um, was it good for you? - Ah! - [LAUGHING.]
I just want to know.
Um, tonight, not about that.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's about Ali, so Pete, don't be embarrassed.
You're sexy.
- RUSSELL: You You are sexy, Pete.
- You are sexy.
RUSSELL: Like, own it, man.
Own that sexiness.
- Yeah, you got that swerve.
- RUSSELL: Yeah, man.
This is great.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Not that good, Pete.
PETE: Seriously though? Seriously, I was gonna get a drink, and it looks like maybe you'd like a sparkling water? - Do you want a - No, can you get me another one? Why don't you come with me? - No! - She's staying.
- But I want to hang out with them.
- I wanna have fun with you.
Let's Come on, we'll get a drink together.
Petey, just let me I'm gonna stay here, okay? - She's staying.
- Yeah, you always get her.
- I'm - Take your time, man.
- Let her stay here.
- OTHERS: Oh, yeah! - Thank you.
I love you.
- Thanks for drinks.
I had sex at a job fair.
ALL: Whoa! - At which table? - In the bathroom.
In the bathroom? What, like a union man? Not a union man.
He was handing out pamphlets for the Walmart.
[LAUGHING.]
- Hi, can I get a shot please? - Peter! - Hi.
- What? What are you doing here? Ali invited us.
Her and Jess are like super pals since the roast.
- Jess is here? - Yeah.
God, that's fucking weird, man.
What is weird? My ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend, and now my ex-wife are all in the same place, that's weird.
Cut the negativity, man.
That's awesome! You're talking about three women that you've shared love with.
That's a beautiful thing.
How are you whining about that? Don't make this about you.
It's about Ali.
And one day, you'll be up there performing on Star Search, and you'll get three and three-quarter stars, and you'll win, and Sinbad will be the one frowning that day.
And we'll all be here on your side, laughing for you.
You got rid of your TV a long time ago, huh? No, I just moved to a place without any electricity.
[PATRONS CLAP, CHEER.]
What's all this, Wil? Oh, Ali Reissen doing Seth Meyers.
Ali who? Ali Ali Reissen.
I've never seen her my entire life.
She's doing Seth fucking Meyers, and it's like it's like an open mic now? - What's the matter? She's funny.
- I mean, they just - take anybody now.
- It's not my fault you No, I didn't know.
I thought it was gonna keep coming.
And now with all this diversity you're diverse, you can barely talk, you know what I mean? You still got a fucking accent and you've been here like 50 years.
I mean, come on.
I mean, seriously.
Are you playing it? Can you talk normal and you're just doing it to get a special? It's not my fault you're using whiteness in the wrong way.
- That's not my fault.
- I know, I know, I know.
I should've been an agent or something.
All this whiteness and it got you nowhere.
Look at this guy.
This guy will get a fucking special before me.
- Because he's black? - No, 'cause he's diverse.
Hey, you guys, it's about to start! Um, hi? Hi, excuse me.
Do you mind just putting on NBC, please? Seth Meyers is about to begin.
Thanks.
ANNOUNCER: From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York You recorded this this afternoon? You taped this afternoon? - Today, yeah.
- And now it's airing.
This is the best time when you don't even know how it is.
- No idea.
- So exciting.
How do you feel? Kind of freaking out.
COLIN: Sure, 'cause everything you do lives forever.
- That's the scary part about doing TV.
- WAYNE: Oh, God.
I did Crocodile Dundee 2, - you ever heard of it? - Mm-mm.
Well, anyway, it was better than one, a lot of people said.
But it's, you know, people troll you online.
"Hey fatso.
Hey stupid.
" - You know, forever.
- Oh, God.
So he's in that.
I'm in Legally Blonde.
Little kids come up to me and they're like, "I know you! You got Elle Woods into Harvard.
" It's fantastic.
But other times, like, you Google my name, guess what comes up? Not Legally Blonde.
My evening at the Improv.
- Huh.
- Didn't go well.
I wore a pirate's jacket on a half-hour comedy special.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't my best look, a mullet.
People, to this day, act like I was Harvey Weinstein.
- Oh, God.
- It was a bad fashion choice.
- Yeah.
Forever.
- Right, right.
Yeah.
Yeah, here's the crazy thing.
In the future, you're gonna realize this is probably a terrible set, because you get better as a comedian.
And you're like, "Oh, now I know how to do those jokes.
Now I know how not to look panicked on television.
- [NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah, our point is, congratulations.
- You're in the club now.
- Cool! You know how many people want to do comedy? COLIN: And they don't ever get on television? I'm just gonna I'll be right back.
Okay.
It's exciting.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I would never have a party, though.
- No.
No! - God, could you imagine? [PATRONS CHATTERING.]
What's up? Are you freaking out? Yeah? What's Why? I feel like I'm not gonna be great.
- You're gonna be great.
- No, no, no.
I mean, I'm afraid that I am just good.
And there are a lot of people who are good, and I'm just gonna be another good.
Okay.
- Do this.
- What? Do this with your body.
[INHALES, EXHALING.]
- Is this a Jesus thing? - It's not a Jesus thing.
It's a power stance.
If you're feeling small and nervous, this tricks your body into feeling good.
It works.
I do it before shows.
[PETE INHALING, EXHALING.]
Can you feel it? - I can feel it.
- Don't fucking lie to me.
- Can you feel it? - I can feel it! - Woo! - Woo! I get it.
I feel invincible.
Can I get another one? - You here to see Ali? - What? - For the viewing? You here for that? - Oh, yeah.
That's cool.
Me, too.
Wait, who are you? That's so funny, 'cause I was just about to tell you - who I am.
- [KAT LAUGHING.]
I'm Leif.
Oh, you're Leif? Yeah.
I'm Kat.
I'm Pete's girlfriend.
Oh, right.
Yeah, I know all about you.
You slept with Pete's wife and you ruined his marriage.
Okay, yeah.
Marriages die, Kat.
But out of the ashes rose the beautiful phoenix of a lovely friendship.
Does anybody buy your bullshit? I can't be the judge of that.
- Jess! Hi! - Hey! This is Kat.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Oh, is it? I thought it was.
She scared me so bad.
- Oh.
Oh.
- My bones are ice.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- Kids are rough, 'cause they It's a lot of responsibility.
They don't have any money.
I had to buy a bed.
You know where I went to buy a bed? Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
They don't sell beds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
I was looking for a bed for half an hour at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, - just walking around like a fucking idiot.
- [LAUGHING.]
Finally I just asked the guy, I go, "Where are the beds?" He goes, "We don't sell beds.
" I'm like, "It's Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
" He goes, "Yeah, we fucked up, you know," so [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I'm like, "Is there even a Beyond?" He goes, "No, but we got a lot of chip clips.
" Next up, we have Saoirse Ronan, and later, making her late-night television debut, comedian Ali Reissen! - [CHEERING, APPLAUDING.]
- Stick around, everybody.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God, it's Emo Philips.
Oh, my God.
- Nice to see you.
- Oh, good to see you.
Does he even play here? I didn't even think he lived in New York.
He looks like he lives in a tree.
Who is that? Oh, he's the godfather of alt comedy.
- What are you doing in town? - I just saw a Broadway show.
- What'd you see? - Well, they didn't have a name, but I gave them a dollar.
Oh.
His aura is both childlike and wise at the same time.
He looks like he rode here on an umbrella.
- Hi, Emo.
Oh, my goodness.
- [EMO GASPING.]
So nice to see you.
You look so good.
Oh, right back at ya, hot mama.
Oh, this is It's cool that he's here.
It's cool.
- Right? Come on.
- Oh, no.
It's fine.
No, no, no.
Tonight is all about you.
This is your night.
Thank you.
It's totally fine.
Do you think he's gonna go up? Fuck, I hope so.
He's one of my favorite comics.
- Really? - Yeah! I thought you were more like a Mike Epps guy.
You know, I can like some real shit, man.
- I'm not saying - What the fuck is wrong with you? - Let's go see if he's doing something.
- Actually, I would love that.
- Come on, let's go.
- Come on, let's check it out.
- EMO: Oh, hello.
- ALI: All right.
Do you mind if I just go down and watch for one minute? Wait.
You're leaving? Oh, come on.
I just wanna watch, like, eight jokes.
And I'll be right back up.
Do you mind? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go, go, go.
- I want you to go.
Okay.
- I'll be right back.
Actually, everybody who wants to go should just go, um Ali, we're all here for you, this is all about you.
Yeah, we don't care about Emu Philips.
- Emo, see? Zero fucks.
- Okay, Emo.
- I don't - We don't care.
Okay, well, I'm I'm just gonna see if he still does the voice bit.
It's iconic, so Um, I'm not here to see Emo Philips.
I'm here to turn you into Emo Philips.
Thank you, Kevin.
I appreciate that.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- It's so great to be back in New York City.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING.]
I used to live here.
Sometimes, I miss it so much I'll fill my humidifier with urine.
Women like courtesy on a date.
That's so important.
I got in trouble once on a date.
I didn't open the car door for her.
Ooh! [LAUGHTER.]
Instead, I just swam for the surface.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, guys.
- Aren't you about to be on TV? - Eh, I got tired of waiting.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
She can't miss this! [LAUGHTER.]
I am excited about baseball season.
I love baseball.
Once, when I was a little boy, I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat.
Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage.
[LAUGHING.]
[CHEERING.]
ANNOUNCER: One more time - Emo Philips! - [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
That was a great set.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're great.
- Yeah, that was amazing.
- Oh, thank you.
I was watching it, being like, "I don't know if I'll ever be that good.
" - Oh, are you a comedian? - Yes.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- I'm I'm doing stand-up tonight.
- Uh-huh.
I'm making my late-night debut on Seth Meyers.
Oh, my first shot was Late Night with David Letterman, back in '84.
Oh, yeah! I've seen that set.
- Oh, thank you.
- YouTube, yeah.
I had a four-and-a-half minute set, and I'm not exaggerating, I must have rehearsed it in front of the mirror 200 times afterwards.
[LAUGHING.]
- That's the secret, preparation.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Just remember - Yeah.
Chaplin can be Keaton, but the Marx Brothers cannot be the Stooges.
- Hmm.
- PETE: Ali, you're on! Okay.
Thank you, Emo Philips.
Okay.
I'm coming! Thank you, Emo Philips! I'm coming! I'm coming! Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight.
Tonight's guest is a very funny comedian making her late-night debut.
Please welcome to the show Ali Reissen, everyone! [CHEERING.]
- ALI: Hello! It's so good to be here! - Whoo! - Thank you for having me! - Shh! Um, I've been eating Paleo.
Um, if you guys don't know what that is, that's where you eat the same thing dinosaurs eat, so backstage I was snacking on Chris Pratt, and, um he's very high in protein.
I've been eating a lot.
I've been eating a lot lately.
Like, the other day, I ate so much, my friend was like, "Ali, you have a food baby.
" I was like, "No, Denise.
I have a gut, you know?" - She's funny.
- Yeah.
The only time it would be cool to have a food baby is if you got treated the same way as someone pregnant with a regular baby, right? Like, somebody gives up their seat to you on the subway.
They're like, "Oh, my God.
What are you having?" You're like, "Had carnitas with guac.
Yeah, it's really emotional.
" - I like her dress.
- Shh! They're like, "Oh, you're glowing!" Do not fucking shush me.
PETE: It's almost over.
Let's talk after.
I was gonna say that I like her dress.
- Yeah, okay.
Just, shh, please.
- Jesus fucking Christ, Pete.
I'm sorry.
Let's just talk in a minute.
Things are good.
Things are good in my life.
My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level.
- We broke up, and - [LAUGHING.]
She's so full of herself.
- Kitty.
- What? - She's right there.
- She can't hear me.
But it was still hot.
Like, in bed, he'd be like, "Who's your daddy?" And I'd be like, "Where's your erection?" - [LAUGHING.]
- And it was just this total throw down.
He was like, "Are you close?" I'm like, "Are you in?" - [LAUGHING.]
- [TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Is that joke about you? That's fucked up.
Oh no.
I don't think so.
She's got other boyfriends, ex-boyfriends.
Every time we hooked up, his penis seemed surprised to be used.
Like, it had a real benchwarmer quality, you know? Like the underdog in every football movie who finally gets called in to play the big game.
He's like, "Who me, Coach?" He's like, "Yeah, you.
We're down 40 points.
Now get in here and make me proud!" [LAUGHING.]
That's it for me.
I'm Ali Reissen.
Thank you so much! [CHEERING.]
SETH [ON TV.]
: Ali Reissen, everybody! We'll be right back! Oh, my God, it was so good! - It was incredible.
- Really? Oh, my God, the finale I mean, the whole sketch was it killed.
- Excuse me, Steve Winwood.
- Oh! Whoa! That was amazing! - Oh, my God.
- So, so funny.
So funny.
- Really? - So great.
Great! Ah, that means so much.
Thank you.
- We're talking We're blown away.
- We loved it.
I would say the same thing, but it's better coming from him.
He's a bigger star.
It's better credits.
Why does it have to be about that? Just a compliment - Can't we just compliment her? - I'm done and she liked it.
- Thank you.
- Ali - You! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- It was so good.
Yes.
- Was it really, though? - Tell me.
Don't don't you lie to me.
- No, I'm not.
- Don't you lie to my fucking face.
- I'm not lying! I told you I'd tell you.
It was incredible.
- Really? - I can't believe that was your first time.
- You're a natural.
- I believe you.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- You were so great.
- Oh, thank you.
Pete, can I talk to you for a second? I have one note.
ALI [SQUEALING.]
: Thank you I know everything that's going on.
What? I see everything.
ALI: It was amazing.
JESS: Oh, my God.
I'm so glad it's over! [INDISTINCT CHEERING.]
Oh, hey! Hey.
Hey.
[WATER RUNNING.]
Was that, um, dick joke about Pete's dick? Oh, no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Um, I've actually encountered a lot of soft dicks in my day, so Yeah, 'cause it seemed like it was about Pete's dick.
Mm-mm.
Okay, 'cause with me, Pete's dick is always hard with me.
Congratulations on your achievement.
[TOILET FLUSHING.]
- Uh what the fuck? - Oh, my God.
- I'm like scared for Pete.
- Yeah.
I feel physically scared.
She's going to break his heart.
- She's going to annihilate him.
- Yeah.
[SIGHING.]
Anyway, it's kind of fun thinking about how she's going to hurt him, but We should totally hang out with her when they break up.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Kitty, what are you doing? Hold on.
- Stop it! Stop.
- Come on.
Stop.
- You're in the street.
- You fucking shushed me, Pete.
You fucking shushed me, and I'm your girlfriend.
I'm the one that's important, not your fucking ex-girlfriend - who's on fucking TV.
- Listen to me, hold on.
You were talking during a very important stand-up set, okay? Tonight was about Ali, and you were It's rude.
- It's fucking rude.
- I was rude? - Yes.
- You know what's fucking rude is Ali telling a joke about you on national TV, in front of everyone.
- You should be fucking humiliated.
- You don't know that.
You don't know it was about me.
How do you know it was about me? - It was about your dick.
- I don't fucking lose enough erections for that to definitely be about me.
You don't know that.
Comics make jokes about people they care about.
- That's what we do.
- Oh, she cares about you.
That's That makes me feel so much better.
I'm just gonna let you guys I'll let you go, go back to her.
- Can I explain something to you right now? - No, bye.
You're my girlfriend, and you're making a drunken, crazy scene in front of a club, on a night that has nothing to do with you! So, if you tell jokes about the people you care about, then what do you what jokes do you tell about me? I don't.
I don't do jokes about you.
Is that what you want? I don't do any jokes - You're a fucking liar.
- I don't do any jokes - Tell me what jokes you tell.
- Jesus.
- Tell me what jokes you say about me.
- No! I'm not doing my act for you in the road, - while you're making a scene.
- Oh, you're not gonna do your shitty little act? Do it.
You can't get into The Cellar.
Tell me a fucking joke outside of The Cellar, Pete.
My girlfriend loves dildos.
Sometimes she says she's not in the mood, and then I hear her sneak off into the bathroom and it sounds like a helicopter leaving Saigon.
Did you tell that joke while you were fucking her in New Jersey? I didn't I didn't cheat on you.
I've never I've never even thought about cheating.
I have eyeballs and I can see everything that's going on! I see everything! - I know what's up, Pete.
- What's up? - What's up? What's up? - [MOCKING.]
: What's up? - What's up? - What's going on? [WITH DEAF ACCENT.]
: Do you understand the words I'm saying right now? Jesus.
What the fuck are you doing? What do you mean what the fuck am I doing? You can't do deaf What are you Why can't I do it, comedy police? Why can't I do fucking deaf voice? You sound like a bully in an '80s movie.
Well, you're You suck! You're a shitty boyfriend.
And you're an even shittier comic.
Okay, can you get out of the street? - You're a shitty joke.
- Can you get out of the street, please? You get out of the street! - Get on the fucking sidewalk.
- I'll do what I want! Yo, Pete, man.
You gotta get out of the street, dude.
Yeah.
I saw a guy got hit out here like two days ago.
He's fucking dead.
Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Come on.
Babe, you were so good tonight.
Did you have fun, my pretty, pretty princess? - I did.
- Good.
Now, if I can just find the pin drop of where my car is.
- Where'd you park? - Like five blocks.
I'm going to walk her to her Fiat.
- No.
- I am.
- All right.
- Be right back.
He really is the best.
Come on.
I don't deserve him.
- Ah.
Hi, hi.
- Hey.
- Great set.
- Thank you.
Everything you wanted it to be.
Yeah, it was good.
Hey, congrats.
I'm gonna go get started on that action plan.
Okay, yeah.
I didn't ask you to do that.
[SIGHS.]
Where's Kat? Kat and I just had a really big fight, in the middle of the street.
Oh, shit.
And it ended with her screaming about your penis joke.
Yeah, I know.
She kind of cornered me in the bathroom.
She confronted me after my set about the joke.
For fuck's sake, really? I don't think she liked it.
I was made aware of that.
She's scary.
I didn't know! - Maybe she was just upset.
- She did deaf voice to me.
- Just now.
- What? In front of People were watching - and she did - What does that mean? - [WITH DEAF ACCENT.]
: Do you - No! Stop.
I get it, I get it.
It was horrifying.
People say dumb shit when they're fighting.
- Not in deaf voice, they don't.
- Yeah.
I think I'm in over my head.
I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Um Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- I gotta go find Ted.
I really am sorry.
Okay.
All right.
[R&B SONG PLAYING.]
Why is it so hard to accept the party is over? You came with your new friends And her mom jeans and her new Vans And she's perfect and I hate it Oh, so glad you made it I'm so glad you could come by Somebody get the tacos, somebody spark the blunt Let's start the Narcos off at episode one - Bring the gin - Got the juice - Bring the sin - Got that too Whoa, just shut up know you're my favorite Am I warm enough for ya? Outside, baby, yeah Tell me if it's warm enough here for ya Warm enough for ya inside me? Me, me, me? Are you okay? I'm funnier than that whore.
Go to sleep.
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
Warm enough for ya outside, baby, yeah Tell me if it's warm enough here for ya Warm enough for ya inside me, me, me, me? Warm enough for ya outside, baby, yeah Tell me if it's warm enough here for ya Warm enough outside, inside Warm enough outside, inside Warm enough outside, inside Me-me-me-me, me-me-me Oh, whoa, is it warm enough outside, inside?