Curb Your Enthusiasm s03e06 Episode Script

Didn't think I was gonna find out, huh? Is that what you thought? If you were me, you wouldn't have found out 'cause you're stupid.
You guys are fucking stupid.
- I have a gambling problem.
- A gambling problem? Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Got a little greedy?! - I'm sorry, boss.
- You're sorry, you're sorry! I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry, 'cause you fucking morons fucked up! You're sorry! Here, you want the money? Is that what you want? You want money, you fucking idiots? Here, take the money.
Here, go ahead! Go ahead, take the fucking money! You fucking idiots! Take it, take it, take the fucking money! Here, take it.
Is that what you want?! Take the fucking come here, you fucking cocksucker.
- I'm scared of heights, boss.
- And cut! Cut! Larry? All right the still photographer was right in my way.
- Huh? - The video went in and out.
It broke off please, take care of the video for me, Joe, because I can't see the thing.
From what I could tell, from what I could hear From what you could tell? You missed the whole tape? Oh, no, it's great he needs more money.
- This isn't enough, I need more money.
- He needs more money.
Every take I don't have enough money.
- Give him another - Thanks.
I think it's really developing very, very well, particularly the end.
What I'd like to get into more quickly - is the threat of the violence.
- Okay, well, let me do this.
Let me take out Gino's balls in a plastic bag.
Take it out of my pocket, hold up his balls.
The balls will never read.
They're not gonna read as well.
Balls will read.
Why won't balls read? You got them in plastic? They'll be in a plastic bag with some formaldehyde or something? But it's a little graphic for this.
I'd rather that's a big thing to do.
What's the matter with you? Do you know what you're doing? Do you really know what you're doing? This is just the threat of the violence, okay? What I'm concerned about, if this guy says something, you should slap him.
- Like what? - "Don't talk to me until I finish.
" - Like that? - Yeah, that kind of thing.
That's too hard.
- How many takes are we gonna do? - Two more.
- Two more? - Two more.
- You shoot too much, Marty.
- No, it's getting better each time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Two more takes one after the other.
Same slate.
We get the energy better on the second take that way.
You know, "Seinfeld," we did two takes and we were done.
We're just getting into it.
It's rich.
It's getting better and better every time you do it.
All right, try to watch this one, okay? I was gonna watch, but I couldn't get away from the earphones.
- Then cut it or something.
- No, you were really good.
I'm not gonna break it up.
All right.
- What did he say? - Listen No, what was he saying? What was Martin Scorsese saying to you? I don't know.
He has this little way of talking to me - where it's subtle but - He doesn't like it? I don't know, it's hard to tell.
Did my father call? Oh, no, he hasn't called yet.
But it's still early in LA.
I don't know why he hasn't called me back, you know? My mother's sick.
He should call me back.
I don't get it.
I know, I know.
It's hard to take anything you say seriously right now.
You just look crazy.
I don't know if we're going to make this plane.
I really don't know.
He does too many takes.
All right, Marty, what's going on? We ready? - Let's go.
Joe? - Get ready please, here we go.
Come on.
It's kind of nice to be home, isn't it? We should've made a right we should've made Honey, it's okay.
- I don't know what he's doing.
- It's fine.
I think I want to stop by my father's on the way back.
I'll have the cab stop and drop me off.
You can take it back home.
Okay, just to check in? Yeah, it's weird that he hasn't called me back.
I don't know what's going on.
Okay.
Listen, we're gonna make a stop first.
I'm gonna get dropped off.
Okay, that's good.
Very good.
All right, honey.
- Hey, Dad.
- How are you, boychick? - Good.
How you doing? - All right, doing fine, yeah.
- How'd you get here? - I had the cab drop me off from the airport and Cheryl took it home.
Hey, I could've picked you up.
Look at this place.
Very nice.
Looks like you've been living here for a while.
- Well, listen, you look good here.
- How you doing, okay? - Yeah.
- I called, you never got back to me.
I was busy, you know, I got busy.
What do you mean, you "got busy"? What are you doing? Let me make you a cup of coffee, huh? Aw, I don't want any coffee.
I just came to check up on you.
How's Mom doing? Oh, well, you know how people do.
So tell me about New York! Did you have a good time in New York? Um I mean, busy? You seem very jumpy.
What's the matter with you? Well, I didn't expect you to come in today.
I really didn't know you were here.
Where's Mom? Well your mother.
Well, I'll tell you all about your mother, you know after all, we brought her back.
Your mother, she got sicker and we had to bring her back to the hospital.
- She's in the hospital? - Yeah, well, not now.
But we had to bring her back for a while.
Why didn't you tell me? You didn't even call.
She didn't want to bother you.
You know how she is.
She said, "Don't bother him.
He's in New York.
Let him enjoy himself.
" She didn't want to spoil your trip.
She's not in the hospital now, so that's over with.
- Don't worry about that.
- She's feeling better? Well, in a way.
She did warn me.
She said, "If anything happens to me, don't bother Larry.
He's in New York and he wants to enjoy.
" So then, after a day or two nobody goes on forever and ever and ever.
You're not gonna go on, I'm not gonna go on - Is she dead? - Er, yeah.
Dead, dead, she's dead.
And she didn't want me to bother you.
- What does that mean? - Well, you were in New York.
You were having a good time, so we didn't call.
W-when did she die? Let's see, the funeral was on Monday - The what? - so she had to die on - Funeral? - Yeah, funeral.
W-why wasn't I'm not at the funeral? What do you mean Monday was the funeral? Well, Monday was the funeral.
Why wasn't I at the funeral? Why didn't you call me? She told me not to bother you She told you not to bother me? What is that supposed to mean? You were in New York.
You were busy.
So what? What do you mean, I was busy? You give me a call! You didn't call me? You didn't call me to tell me my mother died? The last words she said to me, "If anything happens to me, you don't bother Larry.
Don't spoil his trip in New York.
" That's insane! The woman did not want to bother you.
I missed her funeral because she told you not to call me? - Is that what you're telling me?! - That's right! Who's that, Larry? My condolences.
- Your cousin.
- I'm sorry.
- How are you? - Hi, Andy.
I'm sorry, I really am.
Heard you were in New York.
You missed a good one.
This was really a nice I'm sorry I missed it.
Had I been informed, I may have been able to attend my mother's funeral.
- It was beautiful.
- Very nice.
Very well attended, rabbi spoke beautifully honestly, rabbi spoke beautifully.
Like a friend.
I noticed you called Andy in New York, and he flew in.
Your mother didn't say not to call Andy.
She said not to call you, that's all she ever said.
Why didn't you call me when you were there? It would have been nice if you called.
You know, I was busy, Andy.
I couldn't see you.
I'm not talking about that, just call me.
I figure if you're in town just call and say hello.
I didn't need to see you.
I didn't need to visit.
What's the difference? I could call when I'm in LA.
- I don't see the logic to it.
- You know what I'm talking about.
Don't be a putz.
What are you talking about? - Don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you arguing? Are you out of your mind? If you go to Florida, you're not gonna call Aunt Cher? Not necessarily.
You come to town, you give me a call.
If I can't see you, there's no point in calling! I didn't want to see you.
What is the matter with you? Two people related to each other, two people, two cousins, and you're arguing this way? Okay, forget I'm sorry I didn't call you in New York.
I'm sorry you didn't either.
It would have been nice to hear your voice.
Let me show you who was at this funeral.
Everybody was there, my goodness.
Your Uncle Harold was there.
He told his famous joke that he always tells.
Yeah, about the temple, I know, I know.
Abe Lincoln, he's Jewish.
He got "shot in the temple.
" The food the first night was not so good.
It was just deli.
But I'll tell you, people brought over we still got stuff in the fridge, it's delicious.
Yeah, we have a lot of hard-boiled eggs.
And the eulogy was nice? - It was beautiful.
- Take a look at how wonderful.
A lot of people turned out.
"Beautiful service, sorry about your loss.
Where's Larry?" The Sessons called to send their condolences.
Who else called? - We don't have to - No, who called? Michael Adler called.
He wants to have lunch with you I haven't spoken with this guy in five years.
What does he want to have lunch with me for? I don't know.
Caruso's called.
Your suit is ready, which is actually good.
You're gonna need it for Julie Blum's bat mitzvah.
And the Mandels are That bat mitzvah, oh, God.
Is there anything worse? Can you think of anything worse? Go ahead, what else? And the Mandels want to confirm dinner on Saturday.
Okay.
No, that's not happening.
Cancel it.
- No dinner with - No, can't do that.
- What do you want me to tell them? - Tell them whatever you want.
Okay.
Ahem hi.
Mary, hi, it's Cheryl David.
We're not gonna be able to do dinner on Saturday.
Well, I'm sorry to say, but Larry's mother just passed away.
And we're going to take some time with that.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, bye bye.
What did she say? She said she's very sorry to hear about your mother.
Really? Yeah, and she completely understood.
Huh.
Michael? Larry David.
Pretty good.
I'd love to, but you know what? My mom died.
Yeah.
So I'm just not gonna be doing much for a while.
Okay, yeah, absolutely.
As soon as I get it together Hi.
It's Larry David.
Hey, I'll bet Julie's pretty excited about that bat mitzvah, huh? Unfortunately, we're not gonna be able to make it.
Well my mother died.
Tell Julie good luck, sorry I can't be there.
And mazeltov.
You too, darling.
Larry, how did you ever land this role in this film? It's like unbelievable to me.
I'm happy for you, - but how did that happen? - He saw me at the at the lmprov screaming at the audience one night in New York.
- You mean ages ago? - Yeah, ages ago.
He remembered this? He remembered because I was having it out with this guy in the audience, and he thought I could play this tough Jew.
I don't know, it was weird.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
That's fucking unbelievable.
Maybe I should hang out by his house and scream and yell.
No, that's great.
Speaking of screaming and yelling, I'm trying to calm down a little bit, so I decided don't mock.
I'm gonna start I've never done it before, to meditate.
You know, I used to do it.
Did you know that? - I vaguely remember.
- Yeah, I used to do it.
What do you do, actually? I had a mantra, you know, and you repeat this mantra in your head.
- You repeat it? - Yeah, say it over and over again.
- Where do you get mantras? - From a yoga instructor.
I'm not gonna I have to sign up for a yoga class or a mantra class? You could say anything you want.
Give yourself your own mantra.
You want a mantra? I'll give you a mantra.
"Lonely, lonely" - "Lonely" - "Lonely" - Just keep repeating it.
- That would work? You want mine? I'll give you mine.
- Is that allowed? - Who's gonna stop us? - Nobody.
- It's totally applicable.
What is your mantra? Okay.
Actually - Are you taking it back? - No, I'm telling you.
- Oh.
- Ji - That's it? - Ji ya.
Ji ya? What does it mean? I have no idea.
But keep repeating it over and over again "Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya" you know, half an hour, half an hour - "Ji" oh, shit.
- What? This guy, Ed Swindell.
He's spotted me.
He's gonna want to do a "stop-and-chat.
" Don't don't, don't go, don't go.
- Oh my God, I got to - Oh, what a fuck.
I got a lot of shopping to do.
Have a blast.
- Hey, Larry.
- Hey, Ed.
Good to see you.
What a surprise.
Good place, isn't it? Yeah, we're clothes shopping and I had to get out of there.
You know, little Deslys, "the princess," she's holding up these two things.
"Which makes me look more growed-up, Daddy?" You know my mother just died.
Oh, Larry, I'm so sorry.
I kind of need to be alone with my own thoughts.
Oh, absolutely.
Jeez, bless your heart.
Our thoughts are with you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Yep? I'm looking for my mother's grave, Adele David.
She was just buried.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's supposed to be right over there.
She got moved.
Special section.
What "special section"? You'd better talk to the general manager.
Take a right here and it's the first building on the right.
My mother was moved to a special section? Yes, evidently you were out of town.
Well, I would've been here, but I wasn't informed about it.
Well, obviously.
We have a section reserved for people who well, who just don't qualify for the interment in consecrated ground.
It's a place where we put the villains, the suicides, the gentiles who are from mixed marriages Okay, okay.
This is a horrendous mistake, okay? Let me explain, please.
When the shammas examined her, he found that she had a tattoo on the Tattoo? My mother had a tattoo? Yes, sir.
It's on the right cheek of her right buttock if you will.
My mother had a tattoo on her ass? On her right buttock, yes, sir.
Now So what if she did have a tattoo, so what? According to Leviticus, "You shall not make any gashes in your flesh for the dead, nor incise yourself.
" In other words, to adorn oneself in such a manner, was found by Maimonides many, many, years ago, of course to be an offense which would disqualify such a person from burial in consecrated ground.
Okay.
Look, I wasn't here.
I should've been here.
I wasn't called.
My father for some reason didn't call me.
- Your dad was here.
- If I was here, this never would've happened.
Sir, I'm here now and I'd like to rectify this.
I'd like to get her where she's supposed to be, where we paid for her plot.
Now, if there was some youthful indiscretion, and she got this tattoo which I still can't even hardly believe my ears when you even tell me this but okay, say she does have this tattoo over there.
You know so come on.
So what? There's nothing I can do, sir.
The law is the law.
That's two things you didn't tell me.
All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what can I do? What are we gonna do about this "special section" thing? - We can't keep her there.
- This is ridiculous.
Well, that's true, I don't understand this.
But they have this special section.
It's the stupidest, stupidest thing I ever heard of.
- I agree with you totally.
- Never heard of anything so insane.
I have heard of it.
She would be sick to her stomach if she knew.
Yes, she would be upset.
Bottom line is, she'd be sick to her stomach.
When did she get this tattoo? The tattoo? We were just married.
We walked down the boardwalk over there.
She saw a tattoo parlor.
She said, "Hey, let's do it.
" Your parents had tattoos.
With our names.
That was an epic words of love.
A real show of love.
I can't imagine my parents making love.
I can't imagine you making love.
Wow! Well, that looks good.
- Well, thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, honey.
- So what's for dinner? Turkey.
No, I had turkey for lunch.
Oh, well It's all right, it's okay.
I'm gonna go check on that turkey.
- I'll take whatever you have.
- Thank you, Ned.
Bad call, huh? Having turkey for lunch? Well, who knew? I didn't know.
You doubled up.
What am I gonna do, order Chinese food in LA.
? You can't order Chinese food in LA.
? There's no good Chinese food in LA.
Right, 'cause all the good Chinese cooks went to New York.
A country of one billion people couldn't send one good chef to Los Angeles.
How can you possibly be arguing the quality of good Chinese food in LA.
versus New York? All right, fine.
You know what? come here, come here.
All right, here's my idea, okay? I want to get I want to move her body.
I want to move the body to where it's supposed to be, because Mom would not want to be there.
It's not right.
I feel terrible about it.
And How do you move how do we move her? I'm gonna try and pay off the gravedigger is what I'm gonna do.
Wow.
That does not sound like a good idea.
I think it sounds fantastic.
It's not dangerous because I don't have to do anything but pay off the gravedigger, that's all I have to do.
I think I can do it.
If he takes the money, fine, if not, well, at least I tried.
You think you can get this man to dig it up? If you offer somebody enough money, they'll do it.
I got to tell you, we tried everything we could.
We talked to these people.
They would have none of it.
If you can pay this guy off, I say go do it.
I'd like to contribute.
I'd like to contribute a few dollars.
You're not contributing.
This whole tattoo thing is just I agree with you completely.
- Honest to God, I think it's a great - I think it's terrible.
- Shh quiet, quiet.
- All right.
- We'll do it.
- I think it's a great idea.
- It's a great idea.
- It's a scary idea.
"Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya" Yeah, who is it? - It's me.
- LD? - Yeah.
- I can't, er What's the matter, huh? I'm meditating.
Oh, my God.
You're kidding.
No, I'm getting into this and it's starting to work.
I just forgot to turn the phone off.
I'm just pissed off.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Actually, that's kind of what I'm calling about.
- About what? - I was calling about the mantra.
What about the mantra? It's good, by the way.
It's working.
I'm calling to see maybe I could get it back.
Get it back? What is that? You gave it to me? I changed my mind.
I'd like to get it back.
You can't be an East Indian-giver.
Well, I had it first, kind of, you know.
You did, but you let me have it.
Now it's part of my whole being.
My essence screams of this mantra.
And it's been working, and l - Really Larry, it's not fair.
- What about splitting it with me? Splitting it? What is this, a timeshare in the Hamptons? - You don't split a mantra.
- Who says you can't split a mantra? - Why can't you? - It strikes me as being a tad homosexual.
- Get out.
It's not a gay thing.
- I mean, we're not homosexual.
You don't have to tell me.
I know I'm not a homosexual.
I know, but I'm really having a difficult time giving it back.
I mean, you did a nice turn and you know, and now you're reneging, you know? It's just that, you know, my mother just died.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right, fine.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
yeah.
- Oh, fabulous.
Don't even think twice about it, all right? - Great, so we'll split it.
- Yeah okay, no problem.
- Fantastic.
- All right, man.
Bye.
Who's that? - Lewis.
- Lewis, how's Lewis? - He's good.
- Yeah? - I am exhausted.
- Oh, okay.
Good night, honey.
Good night? Really, good night? Good night.
- What are you doing? - What am I doing? No, no, please.
Honey, I just showered.
What? So what? that's good for me.
I don't feel like getting into all that right now.
- What? Why not? - I'm very tired.
- You're kidding.
- Nope.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
You know, it was just that I've been going through a rough time, what with my mother and all.
Oh I didn't even have a chance to say good-bye.
Oh, honey.
Hey! How you doing? Remember me? All right.
Meet me at the grave.
You better bring some friends to help.
- Help what? - Dig.
All these stones look alike.
Completely, completely lost.
Watch your feet.
You step on one of these things, you'll trip - Hey, over here.
- Hey.
Hey! Hey! You're late.
Yeah, well, we got kind of lost.
Welcome to the special section.
- Oh my God.
- Here you go, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy your work.
Thank you.
Hey, what about you? I only got four shovels.
Asshole.
All right.
Ji ya.
Ji ya.
Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya, I made it out of clay And when it's dry and ready, oh, ji ya I will play Yo! Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya, ya ji ya ji-ji-ji - Who is it? - Your friend, Richard Lewis.
Oh, Richie boy! - Larry - Oh, a little pop-in, huh? - Yeah, a bit of a pop-in.
- No call? No.
Happy? I don't know what you're talking about.
The mantra that you so nicely lent to me, that I said maybe 400,000 times "Ji ya"? What, what? I found out what it meant from some chick who does this meditation stuff.
- What does it mean? - Well, you can take "ji ya," and take that mantra and shove it up your ass.
- You know what it means? - No, what does it mean? "Fuck me.
" Fuck me! Fuck you! Hmm.
Beautiful day, isn't it? Yes, it is.
- You hear the birds? - Um-hm.
Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it would be like - Right.
not to be able to hear them.
It's not so bad.
You expecting somebody? - No.
- Huh.
Hi.
Can we come in and talk to you please? - Oh, sure.
- You don't mind? Thank you.
We're looking for a Larry David, ma'am.
Can you help us? - Oh, why? - Is he here, ma'am? Well, I'm wondering what this is about.
We need to speak with him, ma'am.
Hey, that's him, that's the guy.
Mr.
David? We're gonna need you to come with us, sir.
What are you talking about? Evidently you've been passing some bad bills around town, sir.
- Can you help us out with that? - Counterfeit bills, sir.
Yeah, that's right.
Counterfeit bills.
Put your hands down, sir.
Oh okay, all right.
I know what happened here.
I was in this movie, and they gave me this counterfeit money.
- I understand.
- And no, I'll - Relax your arms, sir.
- You can't be serious.
- Stay calm.
- I'll give you real money.
No, but I'll give you real money.
- My mother died - I'm very sorry.
Ji ya! Ji ya!